.Thursday, January 31, 2008 ' 10:38 PM Y
=x
well, that's settled..
ahh..life is going to be so boring. but a lot less stressful, I guess. no more pretense.
it's not over.Decided that the events of Night Phantom's Rain will be linked to the stuff I have going on...Claire agreeing to go on a date with Ren if he wins the cross country (this is before he takes a direct interest in Angeline), then the attack on Valentine's Day, and of course my/Ren's birthday on the day after Valentine's.
at least the story will have a bit more sense. of course, Ren/Claire die hard fans will kill me. some of them have been sending me direct emails which is flattering, but kinda..scary. no wonder writers go crazy.
still, I don't mind reviews. :)
it's not over.wondered today what Luke Ho would be without bball? if I hadn't fallen for Junice, would I have even tried bball? or heck, even ping pong?
hah...sports are fun, I guess. especially if I can play them. the last time I checked, I still can't ice skate to save my life. =(
it's asking a lot for it to have ended on talking terms and even more to find out who anonymous is...but if I don't find out myself within the week, I will leave it be. I don't break my word, even if I might be an arrogant liar at times. =/
people in my life are just coming and going...and things..just get more confusing.
the truth is that I want to be free. Just want to make a decision without being scared about the consequences.
I always freak out when someone tells me what I don't know whether I want to hear it or not...
three this month alone. hell, the guilt is so overwhelming...am I really responsible for their hurt? did I play with anyone's heart...?
ugh. moron. =/
I just need to sleep it off.
ShadowFighterX
it's not over, Josephine.
. ' 5:29 PM Y
=x
yawns*
so sleepy.
kakaoed adrienne today. she wasn't too pleased about it.
anyway, after creaming a bunch of guys at the court again, and beating the table tennis team captain in ping pong (no offense Ian! you're still a great guy!), i went home wondering in one of my rare emo moments about suicide.
just KIDDING.
okay. well, the last few weeks have been a blast, but its' time to stop being such a pig headed arrogant bastard. god. i was spouting so much crap it was even beginning to annoy
me. but well.
at least i got to do what i felt like doing. and hopefully, i got those people off my back as well.
so as my previous arrogant self, I think I will leave a few goodbye notes.
hmm. where to start?
weelin. I didn't think you'd come back to reading this, you know? I guess you dont remember anything over the holidays because if you had at least considered, you might have trusted me. but you didn't. that hurt more than anything else. more than your insults. more than your ignorance. you dont'..tell someone you love them and then do that to them. you deserve any bit of hurt you get, and unfortunately, after being so childish to tryand take my so called 'revenge', I deserve it more than you.
I will never fall for you again, and that's something for both of us to be grateful for.
adrienne. I'm a bit sorry I manipulated you and made recordings, but after liqing's gang prank called my hp last year, it was really in self defence. i may not like you very much, but its clear that you weren't out to get me. well. i hope so, at least. will give you the benefit of the doubt. but otherwise, being arrogant was all part of pissing you off. i know I told you i'd leave you alone after I settled everything, and I have. you told me that if I had been myself, it might have been better.
you should know, I was myself the whole time last year and no one gave me a chance. im not desperate for your friendships. I'm not as popular as I used to be, like I said. but I tried to be honest by saying that at least I know I will ALWAYS have real friends. and that's enough for me. you said to be myself. here's what I say to you. 'dont say that like you know who I am."
that came off pretty rude, but I don't want to pretend anymore. im not going to flash you a million dollar watt smile and irritate the crap out of you because it's just not fun.
anonymous. I don't know who you are and probably won't. It's pretty obvious you're in liqings gang, and you haven't been the most polite person, but for a worst nightmare, you...sort of gave me a chance to prove myself as who I said I was. I thought you were mocking me and sort of blew it. it's true that I don't like people to like me, and I guess I overreacted.
If I owe anyone a apology, it's you. at least you tried being nice to me. I don't know why, because you don't owe me anything, but I'm really, really grateful. It's the most sincere thing I can say without being arrogant, so at least just..know that.
I wish that maybe I would have known you. you seem like an interesting person. wish it had been different, I guess. but my life does have basketball and the accomplishments that come with it, and as long as these people believe that I am as arrogant as they think I am, I can let them live out their life. they're not willing to see the truth anyway. maybe that's the most arrogant statement of all, but it's also the most true. for the life of me I will never understand what I did to offend these girls, but I know what I've done now. ;) so..well. not going to give myself excuses anymore. you girls don't like me, and I've stopped trying to be nice, so I was arrogant, and now I can't be bothered anymore. I'll leave you alone, and hopefully you'll do the same.
I'm sorry bettina. I hope saying this doesn't get you into trouble but you didn't say not to say it. I hope it's not common sense.
the truth is that bettina is my friend too, you know. so she was concerned as to why you girls despise me so much. I haven't managed to tell her everything, but I didn't tell her about you girls pranking my phone and on msn..
well i just did. =/. she deserves to know the truth, since she was concerned for me unconditionally. so she should also know that over the past few weeks I have been so arrogant that it's pissed them off, and I accept responsibility for that part.
I wish you could be neutral, Bettina. but it's kinda hard to choose a side. =(
dunno what you're going to do, but it sure isn 't going to get peace. I already tried that.
hope you don't hate me for revealing that they angrilly talk about me in the mornings, but at least it's sort of satisfying that Im irritatingly significan enough to make an impression. so now I can stop being such an asshole.
sareen/karishma. I just don't like you. -_- that's kinda obvious. I don't like you girls even more than adrienne, because you have done nothing but piss me off. so I'm not going to talk about you. spam the blog if you wanna, but I guess I will be switching address after a while.
after all,
ad, I told you that I'll leave you alone. =)
happy? any good bye messages? or like. spams. ah well.
I suppose I should give you people a chance to voice your anger. =/ its' not very fair if I get to flame you girls on my blog and then...well. not letting you do anything about it.
later.
ShadowFighterX
(looks like I'll never get to hear you sing, huh, weelin? if it's any consolation, I'm back.)(Sorry I hurt you.)
.Wednesday, January 30, 2008 ' 6:13 PM Y
=x
So sleepy.
Latest favourite song is 'No You Hang Up' by Shayne Ward. It's a very guy song, but it's quite cute I guess. And it has a nice beat.
You got my attention and hello
We had this connection that wouldn’t let go
There was something sexy ‘bout your voice
Anything you say makes a beautiful noise
And now we break up to make up right away.(to make up right away)
Just an excuse to lie in bed allday
I know this thing we have wont ever change
and thats why I have the confidence to say
A lot of girls are sexy
but you know how to use it
you can keep me up on the phone all night
We say lets hang up on 3 but we don’t ever do it
Aint it crazy how after all this time
We got that you hang up no you hang up kinda love
We got that you hang up no you hang up kinda love
Every time you call me, I wont lie
I still get the goose-bumps I felt the first time
That I saw you walk into a room
Girl you had me hooked on that beautiful view
And now we break up to make up right away (we make up right away)
Just an excuse to lay in bed all day (and we lay in bed all day)
I know that this thing we have wont ever change
And that’s why I have the confidence to say
A lot of girls are sexy
but you know how to use it
You can keep me up on the phone all night
We say lets hang up on 3 but we don’t ever do it
Aint it crazy how after all this time
We got that you hang up no you hang up kinda love
We got that you hang up no you hang up kinda love
And baby you still know just how to Blow my mind
And after everything that we’ve been through It still feels right
And I know, that I can’t Picture living my life without you
Yeah yeah
A lot of girls are sexy
but you know how to use it
You can keep me up on the phone all night
We say lets hang up on 3 but we don’t ever do it
Aint it crazy how after all this time
We got that you hang up no you hang up kinda love x4
A lot of girls are sexy
You can keep me up on the phone all night
We say lets hang up on 3 (you hang up, no you hang up, knda love)
Aint it crazy how after all this time (you hang up, no you hang up, kinda love)
We got that you hang up no you hang up kinda love
We got that you hang up no you hang up kinda love
We got that you hang up no you hang up kinda love
We got that you hang up no you hang up kinda love
For my anti-lukers, I failed SS! woot. landmark moment.
and my english was reduced to a measly 21/30. this is pretty bad for my average, especially since i have 3 or 4 compos on IVLE which had 27.
I guess it was cuz the topic was so hard. unless i could have written about music, I probably would have scored better ,but i know nuts about music.
so much work to do, so little time. trying to relax by bballing..writing...failed attempts at my one handed breakdance move and stuff but it's not getting any work done.
just can't believe i FAILED SS. it's never happened that badly before.
the good news is that derrick failed too, so now we're 'loser buddies.' hehe. the math test was a killer too, so I probably won't get higher than a low a1 (for those who know my class MSG, you guys know im not even bragging), which sucks compared to my class, i guess.
sigh. getting worse and WORSE. AHHH. AND THERE'S NO F***ING PRIZE FOR 1ST PLACE THIS YEAR. NOOO. THERE GOES MY FOUR TIME IN A ROW CROSS COUNTRY GOLD TROPHY.
i don't even want my timing because i started mourning my pathetic life by eating a big packet of chips, drinking root beer in excess and not getting enough sleep. feels like a ritual. do i do this for every girl that tells me they love me before ditching me?
im not going to count.
so today's a loser day. big deal, supposedly. feels like tomorrow...maybe I'll put on a pair of contacts and strut around like Ren Ho...see if I can pull him off and get some inspiration at the same time. of course, that's almost suicidal, but people do stupid things when they're upset.
is that why im letting adrienne and her little group get on my nerves? Either I'm running out of witty banter or I'm just not in the mood to be someone else today.
being me doesnt help me. what I need is a nice cup of Haato Ice Cream tonight. yep. =)
haato. :)
oro.
sleepy.
ShadowFighterX
(what am I going to do now..?)
.Friday, January 25, 2008 ' 11:32 PM Y
=x
Mood: Tired.
So strange.
Is it my imagination or am I simply becoming so emotional?
It's so..
Okay, it just pisses me off.
homework to do over the weekend..lots of it. O lvl spa also.
Urgh.
so getting along with my juniors..well. some of them just piss me off. but of course, there are the really good guys who all think i'm their older brother. then there are the stalkers, the hero worshippers, etc.
im not used to this.
tiredness. can't talk to my real friends properly. feel empty and left out because im scared of something. or angry about something.
as i go back to staff house, watch disney and all the memories keep flooding in...everytime i think i've remembered everything i lost, other things come back.
well if I wanna be honest with myself? I like being emo. i like emo sappy love songs and novels and i like spending time with the people i care about even if we don't do anything. that's me. i can't keep pretending to be someone im not.
im just not that person that I wake up in the mirror to, and likes the penetrating gaze of my eyes. My eyes have always been distinct. scary, even. makes me feel invincible, like today. pwnzording everyone.
haiz.
haven't talked to people in church. just can't make it la. its tiring and i'm lacking time and they're so idiotic by switching the times..the youth ministry is messing up things.
so i can't hang out with pearl and the others, although i guess..i think they may not want to anymore.
huh. so ironic. get whatever 'popularity' and lose real friends, huh?
damn, I'm bad with other people's emotions.
.Thursday, January 24, 2008 ' 10:48 PM Y
=x
Mood: =/
well im on demand! got on several ppl's favourite lists and a bit more variety of reviewers...no doubt when i hit a new mark (eg: 10000 words, 20000 words) the reviewers just keep coming in. :)
yay.
anyway./
currently getting a whole bunch of new songs.
been singing 'A Whole New World' for the past few days, as well as 'One Jump'. Disney's Aladdin. laugh if you want. it's stuff i hadn't seen in a long time, so when i did see it again, i thoroughly enjoyed it.
suffering from lack of sleep. =/
But i guess singing does giving me a certain high, especially trying to keep myself awake.
it's fun, and i guess it's easier to sing then most other songs, but it's so irritating without a girl partner. it is a duet, after all.
wonder if I'm still going to (try) perform on teacher's day? mm. oro. guess it's still something to think about. not that im about to practice my new breakdance moves. they're too basic and i'll probably end up breaking something else...like my back.
work has been light lately, something im truly grateful for. thanks god.
the other day, i was pissed at waik. im sorry bro. i should be more understanding, i guess. just that things have been piling up lately, you know? arrgh. if u don't see this in time, i'll have talked to you by then.
thanks to tom and jamie for talking me out of being more pissed at everything else.
well. need sleep.
what am i doing/
yawn*
night.
.Tuesday, January 22, 2008 ' 7:15 PM Y
=x
Watched Aladdin for the first time in a decade.
I guess I was pretty gullible and blur as a kid, because it sure feels a lot like watching a entirely new movie.
So pissed off by people.
Well, actually I pissed them off first, I guess.
God, I should really think about becoming a stalker. It is, after all, what these crazy idiots think I am.
And they call
me self-centered.
More than anything else. Just disappointed in her. completely lost faith. even any lies I might have told myself all dissipated. reality comes crashing down.
bitch.
god, I feel like hurting someone. just someone whom I hate to get attached to and just ditch completely.
but then again, I already did that accidentally double digits.
haha. isn't life a bitch?
can't even think about writing. can't think about anything except anger and hurt.
need a run tonight,I suppose. to get things off my mind.
sleep.
I need to sleep too.
and hit something.
god, I'm so pissed!
she couldn't even admit it! at least to hear it from her, instead of that crazy woman!
Damnit.
just...damnit.
.Sunday, January 20, 2008 ' 12:22 AM Y
=x
pretty tired.
the play was nice. i especially like the guy who sings 'ivy i love you, etcetc."
yeah it was fun.
i wasn't completely antisocial today, but probably not exactly social. just sat there, observed, small talk with everyone at least once. heh.
the girl (not adrienne, not weelin) is really starting to bug me. one moment she tells me she wants this and then she's not making any sense.
errgh. i never asked for the popularity anyway. being a socialite is a job. not necessarily a job, but a job nonetheless.
wonder how pearl was today. still no handphone, after all.
im so screwed. just can't finish my work. i could chiong it all in one hour, but then i'll probably have to redo it. guess that means my sleep is gone.
sleep early. wheee.
well actually it's 12.15.
had this dream about me and subhas performing here without you remix. think i'll put that in my story. it does seem pretty good, now that i think about it. im not exactly a singer, but singing with subhas and the others in pri school was fun. of course, then i could actually sing a little better. =/
writing block still there. 3 weeks without updating. there goes my fans.
a lot of people seemed unwell today. i did some observing. it comes naturally. of course, it freaked some people out. but the random strangers seemed pretty impressed. looks like they understand that my generation hardly pays attention.
if people talked less and observed more, it would be boring. but sometimes, on my own, observing is fun.
take this for example. justin hugging his gf while checking himself out at the mirror. lolz.
and stuff like that.
shimin was dressed like a guy, but yanlin...well. yanlin looked about..i dunno. i guess im not permitted to comment on her dress i guess. but she looked really. nice.
shrugs*
my life sucks.
16 in another month. less. after valentine's day.
i hate valentine's day.
wonder if i can get another date? hmm.
ah well. haha. if it's a one time thing...
but exams are around the corner.
later!
ShadowFighterX
(lolz sabrina. you crack me up. ;)
osm, you owe me dinner. :)
.Saturday, January 19, 2008 ' 4:33 PM Y
=x
Mood: :)
well just a quick update. still got lots of work to do, after all.
firstly, in two hours or so i have to dress nicely and look good so that ten people will compliment me on my outfit (this is almost impossible because while it's true that i don't look like crap, i have no fashion sense), thus earning me a free dinner from ong shi min.
anyway, staying at the bungalow was fun. too bad tom and waik missed it. hmmph.
unpacked at night and read novels..i wanted to do work but was too distracted. i really missed the place.
it brought back some memories that i'd lost. so happy that walking around in it was enough fun for me.
got bored later at around 10 plus, so i called sabrina and we engaged in scintillating conversation (yeah RIGHT!) but it was so fun. she and i really click lately, i guess. pity she goes to a girl's school. i forgot how much i missed talking to her about random stuff.
so she agreed to help me if i plan the next class reunion. after being at the bungalow, it shouldn't be a problem. and she has to help me. yay.
thinks* still got a lot of work to do. shucks.
dad, rach and i went for breakfast in the morning. roti prata never tasted so good.
ping pong for awhile. dad and i won two games apiece, but i was totally on form. next time i'll thrash him. :) hehe.
had kfc for lunch. :) thanks dad.
mum is busy working now. she'll probably give me cash to go out later. :)
so today would be a really really good day, if it wasn't for the fact that i still have so much work to do...
maybe i'll bring some work there, but it would look totally unstylish. hmm.
heh, think i'll risk it! not everyday i get to go to a play. it's like the kind of affair i have to look good for anyway.
and i want my free dinner, osm!
later!
ShadowFighterX
.Tuesday, January 15, 2008 ' 10:06 PM Y
=x
Mood: Drifting...
Touch.
Pearl accelerates! AHAHA.
okay nevermind. speaking of pearl, and everyone else..I haven't had time to write at all except in school during recess and chem classes...
my bball's busted. what a bummer. =(
I posted ShadowFighterX up, but it's generated almost no sucess. I really need to post ShadowRealm and edit ShadowFighterX before I post it up, otherwise it will be a no-link trilogy.
today was rather interesting.
firstly, I found out why people (i don't need examples here, do i?) were freaked out by me, and it was because of my sudden mysterious rematerialization.
or basically, the art of stalking, aka wee lin.
as in, that's why she probably thinks it is, and not what im saying it is.
I have decided to claim...ABSOUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY for it. WTH la. If people aren't observant at ALL, can you honestly blame me if I popped out of thin air?!
take today for example. I was standing outside the canteen sipping water I had just refilled when poof, out comes adrienne! so I was like *waves and gives random smirk* and she was like *ignores and walks away* and so I was like "huh?" and of course, my smirk died. It's no fun smirking at someone who you know isn't happy about your appearance if they don't notice you at the first point.
just kidding.
well, I had enough messing around. Sure, it was fun arguing and all, but I guess I should be serious about some things in my life at least...this being one of them. I would prefer closure to the constant bickering...though sometimes. I do wonder. If the circumstances were different, would the outcome have changed also?
welll...
so anyway I appeared and practiced my hundred-watt smile on Adrienne, to which she promptly flinched. I think 'sneaky little bastard' is my new nickname from her. so after promptly shocking her, I sort of realized eventually that I did that for the most of them as well.
i'd like to think it's not my fault they were so unobservant, but I guess I do know how to make myself invisible sometimes. so I can't blame them anymore. sigh. sad. doesn't just about anyone hate admitting they're wrong?
talked to liqing today. originally, I had it all planned out: blackmail adrienne with a bunch of recordings and force her into a situation where liqing HAS to talk to me, in order to get closure from wee lin. however, since weelin has clearly had closure, I suppose it all became irrelevant. me? well. this just about ALWAYS happens, doesn't it? it's like. if someone was to watch the november/december of every year, they'd think I enjoy holiday flings or something.
so blackmailing adrienne was out of it. I thought that I would be a COMPLETE asshole and go through with it, but it turns out im not. I mean, since weelin's not suffering,why should they? or me. oro. so i deleted them today.
yeah adrienne. i did. not just to prove im not a complete scumbag, but I did it for me. I was starting to lose myself in this whole business. nobody deserves what I would have done to you or liqing, and it would have hurt me also.
liqing was pretty smart. she anticipated that i wouldn't be making a record of the phone conversation and even worse, actually proved me wrong on some level. I hate to admit that that's pretty impressive from a sec 2 girl who looks like half my height.
originally, I thought the phone call went well, because it was actually pretty funny. liqing was laughing half the time, though until now I still can't tell whether she was just being cynical. at least she has a sense of humour, even though she does speak rather loudly. plus, she made me swallow my pride thrice and didn't hear a single word I said. errgh.
I've been pretty mean to them these past few days, I admit. Nothing like the way I treated weelin when it looked like we might get together. Guess my heart finally accepted it. and just kind of snapped then. it's something I'll never get used to.
I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow? Or for the rest of this year?
Not messing around with those girls, that's for sure. but I will miss that. even though the last time I said this it freaked liqing's whole gang out, I just said it because I meant it. maybe that's the problem with being me...I try being myself even with complete strangers. guess I am weird. but no one's normal, so it's a consolation.
I don't think my crazy neighbour will ever read this, but she should know that she won. Although I told her already, she probably didn't acknowledge it the first time. She did what she did not just for herself but for her friends, and even though it was a little cruel I guess I might have done the same in her position. so she has a little bit of my respect, although she probably doesn't want it! ahaha...
ah well.
so another vaguely interesting part of my life goes by. I can go back to being myself..and maybe find someone else to fall in love with after ward.
haiz..hope pearl finds her stuff.
hmm. perhaps after all this..
oh ya. tom and waik. u guys need to tell me whether u can make it on friday. just remember it's free pool, bball, comfy bungalow and ping pong and stuff. you'll love it, trust me. mm. I havent been up there for a while myself! hehe.
which means I'll be away for the weekend.
ciao, people.
I'm sleepy.
ShadowFighterX
oh ya mingrui. no offense, but I dont like raymond. he just pisses me off. maybe one day I'll tell him. he can shove his 'famous for emoing' up his ass.
.Friday, January 11, 2008 ' 6:05 PM Y
=x
Today...
feels weird. a whole mixture of feelings.
yesterday, I asked liqing about my letter and she had either a genuine smile, or more likely, a sneer. but well. she's got my respect for actually answering and not snubbing me.
guess that means my friendship with weelin is over. I didn't exactly write the most heartwarming letter, just the most honest one. so much for that.
does that mean that i shouldn't talk to ming rui anymore? huh.
well here's a confession.
I lost count of the number of almost-relationships I've had with girls. right after it hit double digits. it's not like i ever bothered to count. just came and went.
and everytime she said she liked me and I said no, or it didn't work out, I have NEVER been able to maintain a secure friendship with them.
so...to the one who's been telling me how she felt since quite a while ago already, I'm really sorry. I've been a jerk and I can't handle anything and now, I'm even almost bragging. I can't even explain anything, without seeming like im bragging but it's the truth.
heh, maybe girls will not like me.Gotten back on talking terms with shimin though. if she's reading this by some miracle, I just want to say how sorry I am for referring to you as my psycho lesbian ex-girlfriend. I mean techinically it should be true...
but i had said once that I loved you, even if I didn't mean it. and now I know how much it hurts to be branded by someone that you love. no wonder you answered my question so fast.
what, the, hell. right? :)
well apparentely im a stalker, and you're my psycho les ex-gf. hell, maybe we should have stayed together.
it's a joke.
a bad one.
ah forget it.
today's ankle got me really upset, and more so when i realized what exactly i was doing. quote jamie that girls can smell desperation from a mile away, and from a mile away, I sure seemed pretty desperate.
still, I was blazing today, with my contact lenses. trying to be like what I was. it should have worked, sinced i can still get a bunch of younger girls to giggle if I wink and make people laugh at totally corny jokes. somehow today, I felt powerful after I realized that I hadn't been making excuses when I said I wasn't popular or anything. I still have it.
Of course, anyone reading this knows that I don't, because I don't have bragging rights.
on the court, jian hao, wee and i took on sidney, subhas and hubert and won. would have sucked if we didn't. no offense subhas. but hubert did imply that he was going to purposely try to inflict bodily harm on me, and burning his face with my hook shot made all the difference.
playing with wee again to some degree made me smile. i've always missed the trust he's had in me. so i hugged him. seems like a pretty gay thing to do, but the truth is, I really missed being his friend.
helped rach chung with math. well. more like we helped each other. i still need help, since i haven't actually done it yet..-_-
descriptions for Night Phantom are going quite well. it's hard to find time to write, type, do homework, play bball and watch bleach at the same time, so writing has slowed down a bit. then again, the last time I updated thrice in 5 days, so maybe slowing down a bit is good. updating once a week is probably the safest.
pearly called. she lost a couple of really costly things and i felt pretty bad for her. im sorry,
poke ball... i still can't bear to hear your voice right now. something hurts too much.
i just hope by the end of it, i'll still be your kor.
turns out i still have reserves, so i got liqing's number. pretty smart, eh?
more like stalkerish. then again, those girls SOMEHOW got my handphone number and spammed me, spammed my blog and stuff. and here IM the stalker. oh joy, oh rapture.
so i told her to fuck off and stuff.
just kidding.
im not that bad, ya know.
no, i told her the truth. as honest and as sweetly as i can. clearly, she and i share a mutual hatred, but I don't hate her guts all that much. it's not her fault she's immature. (this is a insult, duh>! im just being a jerk. hehe. right.) nah. i take that back.
i suppose she was just trying to protect her friends and she did what she felt was right, right? I do what I feel is right all the time, and it might just be wrong. ill never know.
talked to ms huang while i was searching desperately for the homework by mr wu. i really miss her as my teacher too. and well...i told her how i felt and she said I was sweet. i hope i wasn't blushing. it's like the teachers were smiling with these weird grins on their faces and i was like..'okay?' i don't think i was overly nice to her. just being honest. and a bit worried. i don't think i have a right to fret over anyone anymore though, so maybe i won't bother anymore...
maybe.
clarissa looks more mature nowadays. and when i look at her, i feel nothing for her. because she's a different person now. maybe not all that different, but not the one i fell for.
im glad. because it means i have hope. as everyone else.
and now for the serious stuff.
for weelin, I don't know why you chose what you chose. I really believed, that being horrible over the hols was my fault. I broke my promise to never hurt you. I broke my promise to always be there for you. But I did say that it was only if it ever worked out between you and me. there are somethings i should always take responsibility for, like being insecure and a bit of a jerk towards your friends (although they did start it). but I will never, ever, blame myself entirely for this happening. I've blamed myself enough.
I'm not perfect. still growing up. going to be sixteen in another month. and...i hope that as i get older, I'll be ready for love again.
I don't blame you either. or hate you. I just can't look you in your contacts that you told me you were getting over the holidays and remember that it's the same girl who told me she liked me in front of my latest arch enemy's house, or who told me she felt like she could tell me anything. these are things I will always remember, always cherish, but not from you. from someone I cared about a lot back then.
Do you want me to be honest? I had this silly, stupid fantasy in my head that if it worked out, a few months from now I'd be telling you how I really felt when we first met. and I don't regret meeting up and the whole sidney thing and creeping liqing out. truth be told, I found you a little annoying at first, but I soon got fond of it. i did.
and I couldn't tell you I loved you because I was scared.
I don't believe that it was love, wee lin. You can never fall in love with someone you don't know, and
if I don't know you like I thought I did, then I fell for someone else, didn't I?
I wish it hadn't ended this way. but then again, maybe you will never read this...because you may not ever care about me again in any way. somehow...that's depressing...but also a relief.
so this is how it ends.
buh-bye.
do you remember?I've never been too fond of smiles. For those of you who grew up with me-tom, waik, pam, adrian and the rest. some of you know that I can't form a smile on my face at will. and thinking about everything i'm typing out now...my own emotions and thoughts instead of Ren Ho's and Clarissa's and ShadowFighterX and every other character in my novel's. it becomes stronger. I...become stronger.
there is something so special about someone's smile. I've always wanted a photographic memory, but I don't. But smiles...certain smiles that capture their moment in time, are also captured in my head.
I can smile because I have made someone else smile. I can smile because I know that every person likes to know they're cared about, even if it gets annoying. I can smile because I know at the end of an accursed day, at the end of my life, I'll be deliriously happy.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?Someone once told me that when she saw me smile for the first time, it was like magic. One of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. I've hardly seen myself smile because it's so hard to be genuinely happy, let alone smile... but there are somedays...Somedays, there are things worth smiling for.I'm smiling.ShadowFighterX
.Monday, January 07, 2008 ' 6:15 PM Y
=x
This isn't my fault.
It's not...
I'm starting to think that the whole spy-stalker thing is really getting to me. Can't help it if my eyes move like one.
. ' 5:27 PM Y
=x
Mood: Confused.
This happens every year. It's like fucking deja vu'.
well apart from the either dengue fever/kidney problem/tb.
life just
rocks.i really thought that i was right...
oro.
well, i pretty much suck, i suppose. bad karma and etc.
not that i believe in all that crap but it sure seems like that nowadays?
what did I do?
again.this seems familiar.I want to know what I did. So you can hate me, and that's okay because at least one of us is satisfied not liking each other! but im not, alright! I don't like to not like you unless there's a reason. i don't like you not liking me without me knowing what that reason is either!
..or maybe im just overreacting again.
sigh. forget it, k?
you can be happy. i mean.. you probably are. and it's okay. i told you so after all.
you could tell me anything. i told you. i believed you.
but its okay..
it's okay.
it really is..
.Sunday, January 06, 2008 ' 4:15 PM Y
=x
.
what the hell happened.
okay fine. the next time i compliment someone, i should appear obsessive?!
god.
yeesh.
dont know what im so pissed about.
why is she pissed at me? huh.
well fine.
have it your way.
god, i can't be bothered to care anymore...
what did i do this time? =/
.Thursday, January 03, 2008 ' 11:26 PM Y
=x
Sleepy.
um. haven't blogged in a really long time.
here are my reasons why.
1. bball. for some reason, even if I'm not as fit, my reflexes have seriously gotten better. a LOT better. i really surprised myself. it's so shocking im not even embarassed that certain ppl may accuse me off bragging later. =/
2. writing. been serious about it for awhile. SFX trilogy, fanfiction and fictionpress stories...taking a long time but honestly, I'm loving it. it helps me keep my mind off things.
3. Breakdancing, not guitar, is keeping me on my feet also. im really amazed at the reactions people get when you tell them you can breakdance...except i only know 4 moves and 3 of them I can't quite do yet, so I've only got confidence in my baby freeze.
stuff about new year's you can look at pearl's blog. haiz. some stuff there...is missing though. i pretty much made up my mind about how I feel, and I'm just letting it go away now.
schools was okay yesterday. bball and stuff. normal.
today was interesting. not used to ms ang being married yet. i think later some part of me will finally realized what exactly that means and the sec 1 schoolboy will be crushed into smithereens. just before o lvls too. perfect timing.
wrenched my ankle for the hundredth time. it's irritating. have to rest it for a week or so, but at least i'll have an excuse to write...
learnt something about descriptions in writing...they're inspired by real people, so today i studied some people and described them. maybe one day i'll post it up and see whether anyone from new town can recognize them.
saw wee lin today, and exchanged a hi. she looks busy. like, authoratively(sp?) speaking. with the whole orientation camp and all. turns out her whole gang is there. shocking. more reason for me to be so glad i quit.
except i wouldn't be spending time with wee lin, of cuz. but i guess im really mostly over the whole thing..except if im not lying to myself, then mostly is pretty exact.
i've never really cared about her looks before because she always looks amazing to me but somehow, she looks even better now. it's the contact lenses. yeesh. they never have that effect on me. =(
past is past though. haiz. sometimes I still wonder if it would have worked out. then I think about it too much, and it's at really bad timing..
I mean, today Clarissa Lee was at the bookshop. can't believe she's sec 3. she has the maturity of a...well. not a 15 year old. last year, i was fifteen. huh. time flies.
and then yan lin comes out of nowhere.
and osm.
and wee lin.
and somehow as they're all glancing around and ushering small sec 1 kids, for a single moment, i see all of them at the same time.
obviously, the first thought in my mind is 'okay...?'
im not guilty. or maybe im trying to convince myself im not guilty. or crazy. it's not like i manipulated anyone.
..oh, and my novel will be legal when I reach sixteen (cuz of the not suitable for children rating and all, so legally I can't WRITE it. heheh. but I guess by the time it's finished, i'll be sixteen.). which is in two months. oro.
oh, and my ever so friendly neighbour is also a student leader. wait. i think i mentioned that already.
im not arrogant. it's just that i like to think i could get along with everyone if i wanted to. except that i don't always want to, but it always has the wrong result.
and they're all wearing the same student leader t-shirt. hehe. reminds me of camp when i first got the shirt. it was fun, i hate to admit. aww well. and teacher confiscated my cards.
sometimes i still wonder if we could ever be close friends again. talking, at least. haiz.
speaking of student leader and all, syukri owes me a game boy.
and i saw him trying to rally the sec 1's with complete failure. i asked bettina about it and she laughed. guess new towners aren't as cracked up as they used to be. whether i'd like to admit it or not, it looks like ms chan was right...our batch is really making the difference. the gangsters don't rule anymore..
not that i like the new ruling system, but what the hell. =/
some part of me wishes I could go back and make things right.
with one of them. anyone of them.
hell, I'm sixteen this year.
I'm just not a kid anymore....
Night Phantom
I need you like a heart needs a beat.