i can't sleep.

mood: numb.

think i just threw away things that i have for things that i want.
which i obviously didnt get. otherwise i wouldn't be blogging like this now.

huh.
i barely feel alive.
can't feel any pain anymore. or sadness. just a whole lot of bitterness whihc doesn't feel like anything. and tiredness. but i can't sleep.
my sanity depends on this person, but i guess that person's really too busy then.

haha.
pretty ironic.

i think it's obvious..
i am going to die.

soon.
you can start cheering now, luke-haters.

till then, I certainly hope that people will know what's real and whats not.
cuz i don't.
don't even know who i am inside anymore.

I never understood, right until the very end, what I did to deserve this. maybe it was my secret sins. but i would have given them up for her. so if God really knew that, than I wouldn't be writing this down now.

everything you know that is who I am is gone.
so leave me alone.

Haiz.

well saw kept licking me today. it's the kind of thing you want at the end of the day. to be cheered up. wasn't exactly planning because of a dog, but still.

tom helped me today. im really lucky i guess. keep forgetting. without him i would pretty lost. i don't honestly know if he could ever say the same about me. maybe i don't do enough, but maybe it's because he doesn't get himself into my situations..then again, it's smarter of him not to. so i guess..well.

so im over her. well. sort of. don't know why it hurt.
i think i never had a right to be hurt, so I shouldn't be..but im so hopeless i guess. being sentimental really never does me any good.

haiz.
i guess i really am just another loser.
then again. im really not appreciated in my time. sort of like a has been. people don't throw me aside, but they forget. they always forget. it sucks.

well. most of them anyway.i should really stop calling people idiots la. it might hurt them more than i think. after all, sometimes when tom tells me to shut up i know he's not serious, but it still gets me somehow.

i still retain that being single sucks. im deprived of a life, it seems.
maybe i can finally get back to my writing. a little angsty story would be nice.

so many times, i can never actually figure out if im lying to myself. if i truly knew what i want.
I don't know anymore.

wish waik had been able to make it today. somehow, i really miss spending time with him too.
who am I kidding. haha. i need a life.

ShadowFighterX

(wonder exactly how concerned ming rui is about..)

Mood: =/

jenny.
youve got me on my knees.


basically..
think i dunno la.
stuff was boring.
so tired today. tuitions are seriously wearing me out. and im too lazy to write. tsk. =(

feel so distant lately. so cold and mean and selfis. even to my friends. haiz. dunno why./
something's really going on inside.

hope it'll end without me having to try and go there myself..it takes up too much time and it's tiring..

sunday going to help poke ball paint her room. hope other ppl are going. =/
starting to think i need a gf again..for some weird reason. hate it. sometimes i feel like im ..in there, and then i can;'t distinguish between what's real and whats not. or real and fake memories.

tomorrowe last tuition of the week. =)
which reminds me..since i failed chinese, next week need to go back for lessons.
haiz.
well, more bball. -/ and cycling. and maybe getting books for next year.
heh, now im so glad i didn't sign up for student leader camp. =) (poor wee lin.) ;)

shrugs*
i need. to. write.
awww crap.
didn't play bball. darn rain.
is it my imagination, or did sidney quit bball?
maybe it's just a rumour. the guy spreading it must not be too smart, then.

bored outta my gourd.
tom's ro doesn';t work. i doubt they even play anymore.
life is so sian lately, you know?

still trying not to like her.

ShadowFighterX

Mood: sleepy.

so anyway.
woke up late.
i finaly decided to wait for the anime to load. by the time it did, and by the time i finished it, it was 2 in the morning.
so yep.

still dunno who my spammer is.
never heard anyone i know call me 'asswipe', which is weird. probably someone i don't know.
ah well. it doesn';t hurt when you don't know. =)
so she can do what she want.

anyway.
tuition was tution..
tomorrow need to wake up b4 ten..this is really a tiring process.

hope-hope it helps.
need to study on my own la.
haiz.

thanks jamies for sending me 'jenny.'
and a couple more.

so i went over to xian yang/an's house because
1. it had rained earlier.
2. those arrogant guys had taken up the full court. again. pissing off. need timo, waik and tom to kick their asses one of these days. as in. on the court.

realized i am really. emotional for a guy. i mean. not that i didn't know that before. but to be honest, i really love it when saw starts licking me. (saw is the chua family's dog)
i mean, he used to bite me. now i can tell him to do stuff. and he's really cute.
and i can finally bring him back to the kitchen by myself.

lolz. reminds me that i bet wen hui i could. hope she wasn't pissed.
she probably was, because in order to leave her alone, i have to be irritating. i even irritate myself. no idea how long this is going ot last. =/

wonder if poke ball is ok.
xian an wasn't as hyper today. playing one of xian yang's war games. it's fun. =)
mm. come to think of it, tom did more talking with xian yang..lately it's like that. not that i mind, but maybe i should talk to him ba. can't make excuses to be with.well. yeap.

is it my imagination or have i not talked to wee lin lately?
feels weird to not have her talk to me all the time. like. well. last time.
i really hate my paranoia.

anyway it was fun. i really wish the times i go over to xian yang's house can stay longer than 10.30..but i guess not ba. sigh. hols don't last forever. not like im having a whole lot of hols. but i guess having all my tuitions on 3 days makes things easier.
i still need to study ba.

surprisingly, the anime's have been helping me with ideas to write. still too lazy to write them out though.
oh ya, 'myself yourself' is so, so much better than school days. seriously.
well, except that sekai should be like. transferred over. somehow.
at least the main character is a decent guy! woot. congratulations.
no, im not gay.
just that after that bastard makoto.
he ought to be burnt at the stake or something.

keep thinking about her. don't know why.
problem being it could be..
1. a memory.
2. a reflection of someone else
3. a new crush
4. infatuation
5. sheer persistence from a sick game in my future self's mind.

doesnt look like i'll be able to pick up angie from the airport. church camp.
need a miracle to be let off. =(

sigh..
so sleepy anyway.

someone irritated me yesterday. and no, it wasnt ming rui.
im losing my patience nowadays.
but she needs someone else to talk to la.

ShadowFighterX

so many thoughts.
nowhere to put them all.

for the past few weeks i've been struggling to make a choice.
to bend my morals.
would it really make me happier?

mm..
i think truly, the most emotional people are the ones who become sadists, cynical, pessimistic...
because to be so sensitive makes you absorb all the crap that is reality.

it's really sad because these people should be decent, loving people.

today i have my answer.
the proof as to why, I should not bend my morals.
it wouldn't change me, i guess.
it would just allow me to harbour my darkness.
that's just..worse.


church was okay.
watched the bee movie. everyone kept stealing my popcorn chicken.

sulwyn seems a lot better now. i was really worried about her.
arcade was hopelessly boring.
ced looked very sian. so he went home.
met up with pearl. won a match and lost a match. poor pearl. that short guy was really fast. about very slightly slower than hopper.
i decided not to elaborate to them about my whole bball career since like. well. ehehe. only pearl will understand this.

speaking of pearl.
dunno why i thought so much about her today.
lately she seems more like my mei than ever. sometimes i wish i never looked at her romantically.
other times, i just wish i was good enough for the people i love.

when jeanette is around, i feel more like me. more relaxed. to say anything i want. we just click as friends really well. but sometimes, I feel more like myself with pearl.

like two different sides of a coin.
for those who know those two sides, i guess it's okay. im glad, because it makes them more compassionate and understanding, and i can return the favour.
for those who don't, i can still be myself..just sometimes showing my other side gets me rejected by the people who can only accept one part of me, and it hurts.

those people have asked me both questions.
why i believe in love so strongly.
and why don't i believe in love.

it's funny.
i never realized i was living a double life. many of us are.
Dearest heavenly father, i pray a lot. for my family. my friends. especially for those who are struggling.
for people who have broken up.
for people who have lost faith in love.
for people whose love ones have left their life.
God...

why do you let them suffer?
and the answer to that is, of course..

well.
something i know ba. it's a very simple answer. irritating, but true and simple.

i wish it wasn't like that.

there have been so many girls in my life after junice. thankfully, none of them are sluts.
some are really great friends who didn't work out eventually, but it works.
some are just really spiteful.
some are plain immature.
some just aren't ready for a relationship.
some are clingy. some are psycho.

at the end of the day.
it's not me who makes a choice to bend my morals.
because being attached for the wrong reasons will never satisfy me.
no matter how much it hurts already. it will get worse.

i believe.. that so many of us are lonely. because we take our parents and our friends for granted. our loved ones. it is hard not to, but we do.
and maybe at the end of the day.
i will be alone.

but i think..
that it is not always so bad to be alone...
when you know.
that you have people who will stick to your side when you need them. who really amaze you with your loyality.
parents who love you even though they don't love each other as much.
and most importantly, a God in heaven who really loves you, but probably has a hard time showing it because of this earth. it is not his fault.

love isn't about being the first place in someone else's life. i've wanted a meaningful, committed loving relationship all my life and i don't have it.
but even though i've known love and even understood love for so long..i forget.
the people who are attached and break up may think they're worse off than everyone else.
but the truth is..
if they didn't break up, things could get so much worse in future.

if they didn't break up, forcing love would not do them good.
there is so much more to life than just love..

i ask you all today, to cherish those you have while you still have. the people you've neglected don't forget. but they still will love you. and you should try.
of course, listen to what i say and not what i do.

sometimes..
a little love is all anyone needs.

ShadowFighterX

.
idiot lukeho.
idiot.
dumbass.
ahhhhhhh crap.

ergh.
dumb, traumatizing, thing...
grr..

300.
cwh.
blows-up-in-my-face.

cant control what i wanna do..
and no one knows it..

ShadowFighterX

Mood: Shrugs.

so thanks to wei yuan and his dumb school days anime, i am traumatized.
i mean that main character sucks.
the plotline is totally wack.
and they're all such perverted losers?!
omg.

except for sekai la. sekai's my like. idol for today.
she's kind and good hearted and selfless. and hot.
pity she's just an anime character.
and she had sex with ol-whathisname.
he sucks.
hate it.

i think that's her only fault.
still traumatized by the whole stab-bloog-gushing-out thing.

help.
ShadowFighterX

Pearl's quiz.
I really have no life.

Favourites

Colour: Dark blue, silver, black. Maybe a little gold.
Food: KFC, McDonalds, LJS, Waffle Town. =) fried stuff. artery clogging.
Song(s): Here Without You, here in your arms. invisible, jian dan ai and just about every song from backstreet boys, westlife, linkin park. im emo and angsty. deal with it.
Movie: Right now would be like...spiderman 3? bleah.
Sport: Basketball. Running. Ping Pong. Swimming. Fencing. yep. i do a lot.
Day(s) of the week: This friday, cuz tom's birthday. i don't like my own birthday.
Season: Winter. Love the snow.
Ice cream: Cookies and cream, chocolate and fudge. maybe vanilla.

Current

Mood: Depressed and confused. Also a little..not inspired or motivated to hijack, bball or study.
Taste: Dunno.
Clothes: Bball jerseys, black outfits that I don't have. do my flashy fake oakleys sunglasses count?
Desktop: Has a lot of my writing on it. If the com breaks down I will cry.
Toenails: Are really not long.
Time: 12.06 am. like i said. no life.
Surroundings: Living room stuff. trophies and ps2 and balcony and coms. and sofas.
Annoyances: Chua Wen Hui. lolz. no la. she's kind of cute actually. pity she daos me all the time. earlier it was my mum, but she's just really tired so im not..annoyed. at all. wow.
Thoughts: Wondering how I suddenly changed into such a emo annoying jerk.

Firsts

Best Friend: first best friend was Pam, of course. what would I do without her? haha. or maybe it's a tie between her and Adrian Yeo. fat yeo. hehe. around the same time la.
Crush: Junice Lim. though I don't like counting her as a crush. crushes aren't really long term.
Movie: like..some disney movie. don't remember which one. either beauty and the beast or tarzan first.
Lie: no clue. something to do with apples, maybe.
Music: Backstreet boys I want it that way. Very first tune i heard. or remember. heh.

Lasts

Cigarette: Saw Daniel E smoking one today. he's really a good guy, but still. wish he wouldn't smoke. i hate smoke.
Alcoholic Drink: beer. i got drunk over less than a third of a can. someone can really take advantage of me. =/
Car Ride: mm. family car. what else? not taxis. cold and expensive. brr.
Movie: watched pirates of the carribean again yesterday.
Phone Call: mm. timotheus. asking whether he can go bball tonight.
CD played: meteora today. while studying. bleah.

Have You Ever..
Dated Your Best Friend: don't think poke ball counts.
Broken The Law: jaywalking. who hasn't?
Been Arrested: nah.
Skinny-Dipped: no.
Been On TV: no.
Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: i haven't kissed someone, period.

5 Things you are wearing: red shorts. green singlet. underwear and whatever. that's it. less than five. is that bad? =/

4 Things you have done today: bball. study. tuition. ps2.

3 Things you can hear now: here without you remix featuring jay-z, my bro in the kitchen, and the sound of my typing. it's loud.

1 Thing you do when you are feeling bored: this quiz. duh. =/

5 people to do this(optional): Jamie, (i won't get tom or waik to do this, for good reason) Adrian, Junice, Ming Rui (would get weelin to do it but she doesn't have a blog) and Jenjera? mm. if she has time. she's so busy. =(

that was long.
but at least it wasn't boring.
sigh..
life really, really sucks.
doesn't it?

ShadowFighterX

Mood: ..

i felt the change..
as i talk to people. as i behave around people.
i've changed..

hope i don't lose tom. doubt it, but still.
waik's coming back, tomorrow.

sorry ming rui.
but well. you told me she knew. i just wanted to be sure.
hope you don't hate me.

but maybe you will.
i have this uncanny ability to push away the ones who love me and desperately seek love from the ones that don't care about me or just forget me in the end.

today i figured i'd tell wee lin.
that since she and i weren't anything and all, maybe in order not to lose her friends, she should just..maybe stop talking to me altogether.
it's not that she would have a huge loss in her life or anything.

then again. i worry about her 'true' friends.
don't know la.

somehow, people who tell me they love me always break me the most.
..
my parents.
my ex-s.
my friends, even.

so confusing.
so demanding.

can't focus on being me..

i saw my HIJACK future self, after all.
i know how it could turn out. how it SHOULD, turn out.

but i don't want to be that..
yet it seems so much easier.
would it really be better this way?

i don't really have a lot longer to live anyway. well. at the rate im going.
hopefully, i'll make it for my parent's funerals and my godbro's weddings, but..

to be honest.
i don't wanna make it to my wedding.
or my going steady. or whatever.
because if I die, I'm dispensable.
HIJACK. just one of the many.
reality. all of my friends might be struck at the most, but they'll get over it. they'll get attached, married, move on.
no one will remember me.
no one will care.

I don't really..
believe that I will happy...

i don't believe..
that i will matter to people for much longer..

and lastly..
i don't believe...
that people on this earth will ever love properly..
at least.

i will never be loved enough for me to exist fully.
and thus, i will always be cheated of my chance to love someone else.
because the ones i love will not remember me.
and the ones who love me will not stop hurting me.

..why do I feel ..
so discontent?

Mood: Neutral.

Okay..
talking to ming rui about totally random stuff.
like discussing why im always sleepy.
i am not always sleepy.
or drunk.
oh wth.

okay.
so i woke up late. needed sleep.
then played riders till 1. had trouble with my contacts. been a long time since i used them, and it's annoying that it kept hurting my right eye. so pissing off.

then went queensway. tom coulndn't go, but for some reason xian an agreed to go with me. dunno why also. not like he could buy anything.
overpriced goods.

got new shoes and love them. =)
if i can perform like what i did yesterday in normal shoes, with these shoes i should be owning.
hehe.

went to his house for awhile.
something about xian yang's family..
they're all so different when i see them each separetely..
like xian yang in his room.
or wen hui with her com.
or xian an...well. when he's being xian an.

but put them all together..
and you can see the resemblance.
sometimes im envious.
other times, im just a little confused.

but yeah well.

she really is kind of cute.
i hate having to leave her alone.
still.
it's just a like. thing.
it's not even a crush.
haha.

their dad's birthday, so maybe i wont be teaching the kid tonight..
maybe...i should finish tuition work..

..

i can't believe i just said that.
mm.
yeah well.

i guess it's time to apply the tuition.
it's just one night, how bad could it be?
or i could get tom to go gym instead...
yeah well.

started listening to my old chinese songs again..
and thinking about new plotlines..
maybe someone can recommend something..
for those who have read Shadow Infinity and Night Phantom: Rain, anyway.
yeah..

need sleep.

ShadowFighterX

Mood: arrgh,.,..

grouchy.
twitch.*

aww crap.
i still don know what my motives are..
been going over my writing..
tuition helps..sometimes. it's keeping me working, so i can't complain. it'll pay off. someday.

bball is working out too.
hmm.
if only i had balanced it like this last time.
but i guess i don't spend much time with my family.

or my family..well. doesn't spend a whole lot of time together anyway.
what i really like are the dinner conversations. it's fun.

but other than that..maybe watching a movie and talking in the car is okay too.

maybe i should do something.
for christmas. yeah.
i will.


bored today, especially after tuition. stuff just put me in a bad mood, so i went to cycle to vent it out. cycled really far distances and exercised a little.

dropped off something at jun's mailbox.i hope she doesn't get pissed. now im thinking-why the hell did i do that?!
nevermind.

still won't talk to me.
hell, i really took that for granted.

ahh. hate myself. crap.
worried about jen. she shouldn't work so hard./

head is slightly dizzy.

came back from xian yang's house. the usual. couldn't teach the kid today.
too many distractions. those guys should really not look down on me. i can handle myself.
next time i should bring tom, waik and timo with me. hehe.

anyway.
i was pretty miserable today.
couldn't bag inside shots.
but nailed a jump shot and a couple of hooks.
still not good enough to impress, anyway. shucks. who needs it? i'd rather not anymore. waste my time.

ahh well.
wen hui just dragged me and a whole bunch of random people into a convo.
sleep.

Night Phantom

Mood: ARRGHH.

im such a jerk.
honestly.
i wish that my head and heart would coincide but they just don't.

if its; just a memory.
then why is it so important?

i don't understand.
what my motive is..
what i want..

what im trying to do..
haiz.

i wanna leave her alone.
..
why does this feel so familiar..?


mm.
today was...

slightly uneventful.
mixture of constant resting and failed attempts to do my homework.
studied at least. lolz.

two tuitions tomorrow...3 and a half hours of it. sucks.
i just can't focus..
don want to either.

then bball with tom, yi feng and xian an. not too bad., just didn't really train..the kid wore himself out before that and..
well hopefully yi feng's free tomorrow or on tues..

xian yang was clearly enjoying his old friends' company. sometimes I take for granted that i see them so often..that i have them.
but yet, i still want to preserve my memories..at least, those that i have been able to hold on to.

i really wanted to leave her alone but since she lied to me, i guess...
'well it doesn't make it right.
maybe i should. huh. guess trying to be a gentleman does have it's prices?
am i genuinely interested or am i just still suffering from post withdrawal?

pathetic.

mm.
ming rui must be really bored.

i don know why. somehow her laughter is echoeing.
it's scary.

well i've decided to respect her wishes and leave her alone.
though honestly i wish i knew why she treats me like crap.

still.
she did offer to change my blogskin. and she was nice about it.
and stuff.
she has a heart.

i don't need to care ba. i'll just be really annoying, so...
well.

somehow, i still believe that I'm a good person inside, so I have to do this. not just for her, but for myself. maybe learning to leave her alone is the first step to letting go of things that i...basically don't want to let go off.

i mean i can let go of stuff from circumstance. like junice..
telling me to leave her..alone..?
okay now i remember.
not feeling better.

but i listened.
and. well. we're friends. so.
.
hmm.

but after all of that, i don't love her like i did then.
so maybe it should stay that way.
right?

makes sense.
yep.
what the hell am i doing?
i really shouldn't be typing all of this.
my thoughts are very revealing right now.
like im high or something.
too much h20. i notice i always have a can or bottle with me.
energy drink. hehe.

.
okay nvm.
wth.
leave her alone.
right.
got it.

ShadowFighterX
(i have GOT to survive tuition tomorrow.)

Mood: Sleepy.

Oro.

12.26 am.

pretty much usual. wake up late, play sonic riders and eat lunch, go church.
meet ced and pearl at arcade. pearl can't shoot with a gun for nuts. hehe.

mm..
was so bored...
cg went to buy stuff for the tree..we all played a practical joke on sulwyn but i think she was really hurt...feel bad..haiz...

then had service. ethan entertained me.
talked mostly to hannah.

dinner was good. shared with pearl. watched their dance. really not bad la.
was so bored..weelin took so long to call.
then ming rui wanted me to call her..
then pearl forgot to call me..
ahhh..

on the way back was quite funny..the thing was 12 min so me and pearl hung around..then we didn';t realize it reached 'arrived'..so we ran and made it just in time out of breath and laughing..hha..

too tired to blog properly la.
night.

ShadowFighterX

Well it's not five in the morning..

Im still so darn sleepy.

Today was pretty much wake up, cycle to school, attend school, cycle back, finally beat the socks off that blasted stage for sonic riders, lunch, sleep for an hour, tuition till 5, rest, dinner, bball with xian an and back to his house.

here's the interesting part. she has a boyfriend. lol.
lol.
lol.
i mean.
haha.

you got to be thinking 'what a dumbass!'
its not that i was like crazy about her or anything. i just wanted her to know i care.
she kind of..threw it in my face.
not that i hate her or anything. but her brothers could have mentioned it earlier. so i wouldn't give off the whole wrong impression thing.

oh wth.
that was a whole lot...
not as complicated or as difficult.
i mean.
why don't people (or specifically girls) ever come up with the magic words more often?
'i have a boyfriend' it's like the passion killer.

they could tell you that before you realize you're doing something stupid even though you think you're not. dumb. what the hell was I thinking.
anyway, i've leaving people alone now.

yeap.
so satisfying.
obviously, that's bullshit.
still.

uhuh. worse part.
i actually feel sorry.
i feel.
cold.
and..
like.
hard. inside.
and at the same time. really. sorry. there's like. nothing to it. it's not like i commited crimes against her family. but i am sorry.
and i feel bad. damnit. i hate feeling bad. it makes me as pathetic as ..
whatever.

screw it. im back.
for another short time, before someone else decides to screw my life over.
or end it.

ShadowFighterX

Mood: ..slepy.

it's 5 plus..
can't really sleep.
yesterday...

shit, just what did I do...?!
i'm just getting myself addicted...
and now everyone around me is getting really sick.

so tired.
but can't fall asleep. i'd like to think it's the coffee, but I guess my eyes are dry.

man i really am sleepy. haven't stopped yawning since i got up.

it's nice to know you've changed, isn't it? God, I'm such an asshole to the people who are actually looking out for me...
I don't know what to do anymore..

when it comes down to it
who am I more disappointed in

the people who won't admit they have problems...
or me for not being able to help them...?

Mood: Harder depression.

Woke up a lot of times today..
weird dreams...possibly premonitions...possibly prophecies...have to know what they are...
found out how Asherah poles look like...

Had tuition. wasn't as bad as I thought.
Went back to sleep. slept for3 and a half hours. I must be really more tired than I thought.
dumb zombies.

taught xian an again. this time it was free throw, defence and dribbling. it's also good for my practice. can pull off a jumper better and better..

today what I'm really depressed about is failing, and not being able to keep my big mouth shut once again.

it's not like his family didn't already know...but i didn't know he didnt know his family knew.
maybe they didn't offer him a chance to turn back...he does get to make his own decisions.
but he shouldn't have to learn the hard way...I know how it feels and god, I just wanted to spare him of his future misery...

why can't I do enough..?
I mean, I thought I suceeded. I really did. He lied to me, and than accused me of slandering him.
it really hurt.

well his sister daoed me today. totally hurt for no reason.
i don't know why.
it's stuff like that which makes me wanna give up.

I didn't exactly have to do any of this...but I volunteered...
everytime I try to help someone, something goes wrong..probably cuz I'm not good enough...

I needed to tell her that I care. Maybe I don't like her in that way,but she's part of my memories. Memories which I've lost. it's not fair that I don't..well..i should at least try to keep that part alive.

it's just so unfair.
so I ask...why, God?
Am I not meant to be a good guy or something? Am I not meant to be myself?
...people tell me they love me and then break my heart all the time...

but getting them to fall in love with me is really so much better...
is that a sick game or just some overwhelming selfless love that I never got to express..?

I just...should really stop trying.
just teach the kid a little b4 he goes to secondary school. at least he won't get bullied or whatever.
maybe, I wasn't meant to come back into the lives of people's whose memories I've lost.
I'm not ashamed of having done what I did 4 years minus 7 days ago. I did it because then, she would know I loved her. It was a bit psycho, but I proved it.
I'm just ashamed that I lost what I already had because of it.

..then maybe, I should go back to my withdrawn-no life.
the first person that I opened up to isn't as close to me as before, so it's hard...
and for my people, they moved on. maybe their memory faded as well, but they...well. don't owe me anything ba.
..and as for..

..but she doesn't exist.
I think I'm meant to be alone.



I'll be honest with you.
Five girls that have hated me, and out of those, 3 changed their minds. 2 told me they liked me. well, at least a long time after breaking away.
There's a certain thing..some sort of satisfaction when somebody doesn't hate you anymore. Or better yet, likes you.
That's not going to happen for her, is it?

I don't have high hopes...for anything...
I just want to pretend...that my memories disappeared that day and stayed that way..
...so I won't try to save them...
...so I won't need to admit how much they need to me...

I just need to sleep so badly God.
I just need to wake up in the morning and pretend things aren't so bad.

I just want to know, that someone's there.

ShadowFighterX

Mood: mild depression.

so today.
i was bored in chinese class. still, i learnt a lot, surprisingly. during breaks, i remembered that the dumb test classified me as a flirt yesterday, so I thought i would check.
just wrote down a little list of crushes (didn't write the ones whose names I didn't know since they crushed on me and not vice versa and not the gay admirer and not the ones that didn't last more than a few minutes)
and voila.

i am a flirt.
it sucks.

i mean.
how..?
when..?
the majority of it was like. after junice and all, but it's only been 2 years and..around 3-4months since i was over her? and ...um. number of girls i've been associated with..
well not attached to.
but still.
i mean.
you could win a freakin prize for guessing what the number is.
it's not a lot. as in a lot lot.
but it's not a single digit either.

sigh...
this isn't who I am, is it..?

Im so confused..
and i found out what the major change is..and now..im..well. not scared. but...
it's..
weird.

what to do..?

another thing is that after recording, i notice that im not a total failure. seeing that it's not always i-fall-for-her, get my heart broken and that's it. problem is, it's not that, because if it was it would be a lot less painful.

no wonder i don't get attached.
no wonder i don't open up to people( although this part is other reasons as well).
and it sucks.

..and the last thing is that I always start the crush on someone who
-has absolutely no interest in me
-hates my guts
-is immature
-is evil

..
i mean why do i always fall for the ones who well..pretty much started out..that way.
shrugs*

well the only good thing about today is that i realize im an idiot, and that even being an idiot doesn't mean any girl who I might be interested in in future will hate me, so i can live with that.

gotta to stop playing this sick game with myself.
haiz.

...why her...?
fucking post withdrawal syndrome.

ShadowFighterX

Mood: sigh.

today I realized something.
on tom's birthday, it is also the fourth year anniversary of the ahem-hem.
and i hate it. to be reminded of. well. me.

mm..

lessons today were..
weird.

zhou lao shi threw a tantrum, which is normal, but he said stuff I actually understand that mean a whole lot more in chinese than they would in english.
ms ang didn't show.

so wei yuan hogtailed to my house.
bike shop was closed. wth.

played sonic riders. lost bitterly pernormal.
gavin and wilson spammed calls which i didn't answer, and they showed up anyway. geniuses. =)
at least that works.
tom's birthday is c oming and i still don't have a million zenny.
junice's birthday also. not that i'll get her something, but since i auto-remember it for some reason, i might as well.

sigh..
problems..
hate o lvels reminder..
new tutor on thurs. hope she's good.

i really need motivation to improve..
shld be getting back to study group soon.

bballer. with tim and xian an. pulled off some sweet moves, but my overall shooting still sucked.
i think my hang time is longer but i can't jump higher or something. permanent injury ma.

then xian an hurt his head on my bike and i was really scared la. don't want anything to happen to the kid, even if he is a little cranky at times. he's a good kid.

went back to his house with tim. saw wen hui. she's always talking to joey. how do girls find so much to talk about? =/
she stole his hp like she did mine. only she held it for less time. maybe it's cuz i was staying overnight that day. or im more pathetic and tim's more shrewd. hmm./

still dunno why she's like that.
my reasons for going there..are pretty much in my diary..surprisingly, the only one i've confided in about this is timo, because he pretty much asked.
im glad.

and tom's there for me as usual. it's hard not to take people for granted, especially someone like him. then again, it's vice versa a lot. hmm. ah well. mine is almost always worse than his, so he obviously does more.

im tired. gotta work out and gotta sleep. in shape..

wee lin seems better. im really glad. can't stop worrying about her lately. now i can relax./

ShadowFighterX

wake up in the morning.
feel numb. feel eyes dry. have i really been awake?

can't feel anything.
thoughts. dreams. memories. don't remember.
at least. for now.

tom's smses. two of jamies.
i don't know how long they'll keep me alive.

i feel different already.
I am different.

I'm so sleepy and tired..

yesterday and the day before that was so emotionally tiring. now im just so..
withdrawn.

it's hard to smile. it always has been. but this is different i guess..because since junice, I've never tried being happy by myself. to be happy about who I am.

shucks, when it's too good to be true, it usually is.
=/ haiz.

today was open sunday and it was fun. especiallly lighting stuff on fire.
and getting burned by wax. =/
crazy games.

and felt very antisocial i guess. didn't help that jen couldn't make it..i was pretty mean to pearl and ced, too. i dunno. i guess im really feeling more bitter and cynical from the whole withdrawal syndrome thing. more sensitive to simple remarks that suddenly piss me off without me expecting it. ..
im really cold, aren't i...?

i just can't wait for the week to be over...
mrs lee's work to do...so much work to complete...
gotta go back to basketball training..I'm tired of being super unfit. =/
and hopefully I can go back to xian yang's house more. it's a nice place, especially when tom's busy i guess. it's like being with people but getting time to think. strange.

still, I haven't spent time with so many ppl lately...my family, my people, tom, and of cuz, waik's in china.
for my parents credit, they at least left me alone when they realized I wasn't happy la. and were a bit comforting. i cried when rach hugged me yesterday. guess that's pretty much the extent of my vulnerability right now.

the worst part is that I don't deserve to feel this pain. not because i don't deserve it, but more because I haven't earned the right to suffer...just because i was selfish...just because I wanted to feel loved or special. i've missed that so much that I've forgotten what's really important to me.

i wish i was more than myself. but God isn't making this any better. i always end up doubting him in the end, and I've got plenty of reason.

if there's one good thing that's happened today, it's that I no longer believe that you can earn the right to be arrogant. i mean, I was for a short while. i worked really hard and earned my talents.

but people..now including myself, could have been better, should have been better had they not forsaken their talents for the greater good..or simply for someone else. I have made sacrifices like that, but never enough to complete let go off things that should be.

maybe that's just retribution, but I'm glad that I will no longer..
well.
let's just say that I have reached the final stage of not being discriminating or prejudiced..
and somehow, I feel so relieved...I thought I would be sad...being arrogant can be fun sometimes..but why should people suffer?

ahh well. fine. im changing.
so what?

I'm moving in. things to do. bball. writing. studying. hell, maybe I should finally hit on someone else. I might have actually earned this.

hmm..


ShadowFighterX

yawn.

im so..sleepy.
haiz.

well yesterday i have no idea what came over me. why the hell did it hurt me if it wasn't meant to? and i was so arrogant. something even I never expected from myself.

so I was pretty angry and started suffering from the whole withdrawal syndrome thing almost immediately, which really really got me pissed off, so I hit a whole lot of things.

its not easy to live with me.

got tired and cooled down and stoned for about an hour. head felt so empty then.
then I decided that I might as well pay xian yang back his cash, and maybe hang out at his place for awhile and talk about the problems, but I guess he was a little busy with his anime and stuff. still, im grateful because i felt better after I ended up staying over.

couldn't study, couldn't think. running to xy's house and working out also made me feel a little better.

i think the most fun part was probably hanging around their family la. they're really nice people. except a bit loud. lolz. i didn't get a whole lot of sleep.

mm.
i guess i was wrong about wen hui. xian yangs sis. i figured she had changed a lot and was pretty cold (although she gets to be if she wants to, because she is so outta my league.) but the more I see her I guess I realized shes not a whole lot different. she's actually pretty mature. maybe she just enjoys being that way. we all have our ways of being happy.

i still don't have one.

i asked her why she was so cold awhile ago jokingly, which was an incredibly stupid thing to do, because I guess..well. you just don't tell a girl that she's cold la. i hope she isn't hurt or anything, though I sort of doubt it. and she just said that I don't know what cold is yet.

which my first reaction was obviously 'hmmph, you gotta be kidding me.' obviously I didn't say that ba, but..well. it made me think.

anyway, I feel really bad for being so well. mean to her during my whole time over there. as in not really mean ba. but could have been a little nicer, I guess. she's really nice when she wants to be.

so coming back from xy's house today helped me with the whole withdrawal thing. im estimating about a week. in the meantime, I've been thinking a lot about HIJACK..about my future self, at least..

and i realized that I am still ultimately, turning into that person that I never want to become..the less I write, the harder it is for the story to unfold..so in the story, am I really going to become that monster of a guy?

..and if you think this is revealing, you should see what i DON'T WRITE.

and the ironies here is that I am still changing into that person despite the fact that I am aware that I am changing into that person.
and I keep hurting myself without even trying.
and everytime I swear I will never fall for anyone else until I'm older, I always end up...
well you know.

maybe still, but I will never be the same.
a few more times, maybe one more is all it takes before I turn into him..

honestly, he looked a lot happier than me. or well. I looked a lot happier than me.
maybe I'm just going crazy.

but it doesn't make it right.
i can't predict the future, and i sure can't see it properly, but I'm not going to be that person.
i just can't ba.

hopefully, in the four years, when i look back at this post I can safely say im not that person.
or maybe that person will look and laugh.

yeah.
there's one thing I learnt from going over to xian yang's house, at least.
and the truth is wen hui, the cute hard-to-get sister of my close friend isn't cold at all.

I am.
and add really dark inside.

hell. im not me already.
i just hope im not completely changed yet.

ShadowFighterX

Tom was right.
Isn't irony such a bitch?

I mean, how the hell did I expect...
ah fuck. i don't even know why...

well nevermind.
god, i should not be hurt. so the sin did me in, huh?

yep.
no wonder why I never...
well..

two more days and it'll all be over emotionally..over.
except by then I'll probably be some..
other guy...

haiz..
is this really what I get for trying to be happy being single?
I me i knew that I couldn't be, but I thought trying wouldn't hurt.
I thought wrong.

Luke
Not ShadowFighterX

Mood: Sleepy.

Okay..
yesterday was interesting.

I mean, after school of cuz. well. except owning at daidi.
of cuz, today wasn't as good. =/ a lot of them are pretty good, so i guess i was just about semi-par.

so about yesterday, i went to meet wee lin for lunch. the 183 appeared and i just had to race it, and i would have won if not for the blasted traffic light changing. =(

so i met her and her friend ming rui, and i have no idea whose smart idea it was to meet at bugis. =/
but i have to admit lunch was pretty good la. and talking to them went smoothly. i thought it would be awkward but i guess i thought wrong. walking around and arcade and stuff..

and then weelin needed to go to the toilet and we talked about stuff i wont tell weelin about yet. hehe.

to be honest, i don't know how i feel about her..
although i doubt it's romantical, so..not sure if thats good or bad.

and ming rui's pretty cool. she's a good friend too..haha she LENT ME HER JACKET FOR THE ARCADE CUZ OF THE DUMB GUY WHO WOULDN'T LET ME GO IN WITH THE UNIFORM.

and wee lin sort of walked me home. ahaha..
not really.
no.

but we had a pretty good talk i guess.

well yeah.

today was less interesting ba.
not going to blog about it.
almost went jpm.
im sleepy.
wee lin is not answering, and i don't know what kind of 'worried' i am...
later.

ShadowFighterX

Luke Ho
15 Years Old
15/02/1992
New Town Secondary School
Basketballer

Likes

Jesus, my Lord and Saviour
Her--obviously,who else..?
Basketball
Running
Slackin
Any form of games that i am fantastic at


Detests

[x]Betrayers
[x]Liars
[x]Heartbreakers(not directing to me.)
[x]Jerks

Alex

Amanda

Bettina

Charmaine

Cynthia

Dinah

Fanny

Hannah

Hernhern

Jia Wen

Joshua

Jules

Jun Jie

Junice

Kai Yang

Leonard

Liping

Marcus P

Marcus Wee

Marion

Mrs Ang

Mr Ang

Nicolas

Nicole

Pearly

Peggy

Priscilla

Sano

Shimin

Stephie

Sulwyn

Varun

Vera

Xiang Rui

Ximin

Zeken

Class blog

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