.Sunday, September 30, 2007 ' 3:26 PM Y
=x
Quick update.
Taking a risk here, but what the heck.
okay...
thanks to um. Someone better to do. for saying something so nice. im flattered. but um. who are you? haha.
yesterday church was pretty good. well. good as it can get without jen or ethan or keith. =( and jean left early also. haiz.
but still was okay ba.
talked and decided what i have to do. the right choice is never the easy choice. spent last night doing my emo thing, and passed out. pillows still wet.
wonder what people think about guys crying. maybe if they have a reason to cry, it's not so bad.
i don't havea right reason.
like the song incomplete, and inconsolable.
going to tom's house soon. was a bit delayed since he's out of the house. need to study. sigh.
math papers coming up.
sometimes I wonder whether I actually know her. at all. maybe I've fallen for the part of her I can see, but the truth is that I dont know the rest of her at all. and that's part of the reason why I shouldn't be in love with her.
everyday I glance at her profile and rate from 1 to 10 whether it still hurts. hoping that maybe it'll drop to 9,9 someday.
it still hasn't.
im really a stubborn idiot.
oh, and yesterday's lunch cost me $11. it cost me half of what i was going to spend if I was going to see her for lunch.
at least that clears up things considerably.
at least I really believe that for once I can get over someone without changing for the worse.
how do I get into these situations is really what amazes me.
and how it turns out is even worse.
my luck is baadd.
i never thought there would be more than one clarissa in this world.
but i was wrong.
im just glad that maybe im not so naive.
or gullible anymore.
I wanna be a good person. still wanna help people, still can, even when I can't help myself.
I could do it then, I can do it now. doesn't matter whether im irritating or hated, tired or rejected.
I always can.
I pray that God will give me the strength and discipline to do my job..and to stop blogging soon so I can study.
lolz.
so for how many times I wonder...
when something truly heartbreaking happens and I become more of a jerk..
whether I can maintain just knowing that if I do the right thing..
if I keep HIJACKING...
if I keep persisting despite the pain..
then I know that it's all going to be okay.
So..
My name is Luke.
And I'm back.
ShadowFighterX
.Friday, September 28, 2007 ' 6:28 PM Y
=x
...
so that's it?
haha.
hahahaha...
mm...
...
nah.
words aren't really good here.
wonder what happened to says when you could do something nice for someone and not be accused by someone cynical.
I guess it was wrong to interfere in the first place.
it's all my fault.
yep.
sure.
whatever.
the next time something happens.
it doesn't matter.
because I'm not...
well.
im not anyone.
or anything.
so i can't be anything to anyone.
can't please everyone. can't be nice to everyone.
I would be sorry but I'm not. it's common for me to be misunderstood.
maybe someday.
I won't be alone.
ShadowFighterX
(now that you all are settled, then maybe you can leave me alone.)
. ' 4:03 PM Y
=x
Mood: hmm..
well ben seems angry at me for busting him.
firstly, i thought I got rid of that guy but well. guess he holds a grudge. doesn't give him the right to tag me though.
so anyway ben, if you do I'll destroy you and everyone you love. ciao. =)
as for anti luke and victim and the whoever...
you're all one person.
but don't worry. =) i'll find you.
i told you I wouldn't hold anything against you. and i planned not to as i made my way back today.
but you just had to go and PISS ME OFF.
ah well.
pearl, help me delete this guy. i've studied enough already. the rest of you, just find this guy.
in the meantime...
i think my neighbour really doesn't like me. =(
and wee lin. well. dunno..
i guess since i met them by circumstance, it's only fair that I un-meet them by circumstance.
maybe im not meant to be their friend. who knows? I guess people really don't like me in general.
got a job to do.
ShadowFighterX
.Thursday, September 27, 2007 ' 9:57 PM Y
=x
Mood: Not happy. but happier.
okay people.
finally, people have STOPPED spamming my blog.
i thank you for being slightly reasonable.
not in orer of events in the recent week:
thanks to my informats. (you know who u are.)
thanks to anonymous.
thanks to jamie.
thanks to guy.
thanks especially to tom.
yes, i know smiley face is benjamin, the guy who holds a grudge. hello? fortunately. i have decided to forgive you.
unless you insult me just one more time, where i swear i will take action.
as for-guy-im-meeting-at-7..
well.
hope you don't shock me.
yeah well.
i notice im REALLY, really, not an msn person.
or even a blog type of person.
i have to start talking to people again.
yep.
ah well.
too sleepy.
pam coming over tomorrow.
gotta call pearl tomorrow also..
english tomorrow, pray for me please.
thanks.
god bless peeps.
night.
ShadowFighterX
.Wednesday, September 26, 2007 ' 9:54 PM Y
=x
Mood: Right..
I'm going to dedicate this post to all the people who hate me.
Hell, I don't feel a lot better. slightly, but still.
let's see.
anti luke and luke the loser must be having a lot of fun.
i mean come on. im an open target. anyone who's anybody can hate me. from anyone in the basketball team to someone in my class to some guy I don't even know.
ah well.
i suppose I can take criticism occasionally.
after all, it's not like it does them any good...
and knowing crazy spammers, like all crazy spammers, they actually do have lives, so they'll stop after awhile.
right guys?
don't worry, you will. =)
what else is on the agenda..
okay number 1 is that the group of gaggling girls do NOT like me. this is a misconception and misunderstanding. apologies if I may have typed something wrongly.
number 2 being that I don't really care about people I meet due to circumstance on a personal level. karee was being threatened by sidney and I just did what I could. nothing more. I don't owe anyone anything and as I'm starting to be reminded, the hero game is a lot more painful and difficult without friends.
number 3 is that I'm tired of people like you. I mean. take your advice and get a life.
number 4 is that I like being alone in school. people don't do me a lot of good in school, because everyone takes me for granted anyway. it's no point trying to be nice to people who don't appreciate you (this is not directed to anyone in particular) anyway, and I only mentioned the girls in my previous posts because at least they appeared somewhat grateful. I don't ask for a lot, not even a thank you. all I want is that if you don't like me, at least don't piss me off.
As for friends, I have plenty. I know this. just in case you didn't.
think I already mentioned it in the teachers' day post anyway.
let's face it, luke-hater.
I'm okay with you, really. I like rebutting you and pissing you off, but it doesn't make me a better person than you.
people have their different opinions of other people all the time. many are prejudiced. you can say I'm a showoff, and I wouldn;t disagree, but I would argue that why should it matter to you?
it's not like I take away whatever glory you might have.
or that I certainly affect your life significantly. if I did, you wouldn't hate me, trust me.
I mean if you were hubert, it's understandable. or jia hui or even sidney (though even he seems a little nicer.) but personally, you asked for it. I don't earn respect. I demand it. I've never done anything to hurt you personally and I don't deserve, as well as the people you pick on for no reason, to be hurt by you in anyway. I don't tolerate bullies.
and that goes to everyone, every single one of you who hates me.
you shouldn't hate someone you don't know...
but let's face it, I'm not exactly perfect. so instead of pissing me off, you can just confront me about what you dislike about me, and if we can compromise, then you can stop wasting your time on my blog and I can stop wasting my time on..you.
and if that doesn't work that's just too bad I guess.
I know what my job is. What my purpose in life is. And I haven't faced up to it in a long time, but it doesn't matter...
so what if I'm tired and angry of being a good guy when people just aren't..well.
at least I still have a job to do.
and I can't allow anyone, anyone. to get in the way of that.
so I'm going to ask you nicely now, to either try and resolve your difference with me.
or leave me alone.
because if one day I find you.
well. I won't do anything.
but someone else will.
and it won't be pretty.
ShadowFighterX.
(let's make this clear.)
(I don't wanna fight anymore.)
(I don't wanna be in love.)
.Tuesday, September 25, 2007 ' 9:33 PM Y
=x
I don't feel like existing.
No one to live for. No one is going to die if I'm gone anyway.
well ladies and gentlemen.
after countless tears and whatnot, yours truly is back in shape. for real.
i think my personality just became incredibly rebellious and violent, but well. one thing at a time.
like for the anti-Luke.
get the FUCK off my blog bitch.
who the fuck do you think you are, tough guy? you've got no guts to even confront me. so let's leave it at that, loser.
what's the matter, afraid you can't take me?
yeah that's the part where you say you can't be bothered or I'll just be wasting your time...
you've got no time to waste.
because your problem is with me.
so bring it. ambush me with your little gang or whatever.
im ready and waiting.
who else thinks im psycho?
i've got news for you.
go screw yourself.
and the truth shall set you free.
yeah right.
i should have realized a long time ago that the unrequited love was a sign.
i mean come on. 8 and a half years and thats just with ONE girl.
love isn't meant for people like me.
we fight, we play hero occasionally, find out that being a good guy isn't your thing and go back to being human. being natural. being evil.
pure, unbridled bitch.
anyone who has any qualms as to what I'm saying, call me. go ahead. make my day.
my friends are doing that already. don't know how long it'll last before I drive everyone away with my attitude.
can you blame them? of course not. i wouldn't blame them.
but none of them can understand me right now.
nope.
so I've said this once.
and I'll say this again.
keep your hands off my girl.
bitch.
ShadowSlayer
(..if any of my..friends. want to call me after all this is over, that would really be nice. but right now, I can't appreciate anything. leave me alone for awhile k? I'll be fine. promise. thanks so much..)
.Monday, September 24, 2007 ' 8:05 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..
shit.
did it again.
im obsessed.
damnit.
can't do anything without thinking about her.
can't stop doing things wrong.
not good enough. for anyone. for the people I care about. even the people I love.
messed up again.
f***.
don't tell me I'm doing this wrong.
don't tell me I'm guilty.
I know. believe me, I know too well.
it cuts me all the time.
guilty. jealousy. obsession. anger. hurt.
and some form of crazy infatuated love that isn't real. it isn't real, because love isn't possessive or obsessive. none of this exists. none of it.
i have to know im not going crazy.
i have to know I can get over her.
tell me I can.
I'm the sinner and you're my drug.ShadowFighterX
.Sunday, September 23, 2007 ' 3:04 PM Y
=x
Mood: mm...
yesterday I was really shaken up.
over things.
I mean it only FULLY sunk in yesterday-the reality of the entire situation that I was in.
well it was kind of funny at first. its' not now.
So what happened yesterday is pretty much something I'm not going to say./
except it involved a lot of highs and lows, and crying like a little kid.
im fine now. really. im so fine im not even in a mood swing.
god i am sooo stupid.
I mean what was I thinking>?
although it's kind of obvious I really wasn't.
haiz..
well I went back to eating and drinking a lot. probably put on some weight yesterday. haha. lots of soft drinks and the amount of fast food I ate yesterday is unbelievable, even for me.
at least I had coupons, so it didn't cost my parents a whole LOT.
and as for the usual stupid thing, it was incredibly, incredibly, stupid. I think I probably freaked her out, or scared her away, or se thinks im a despo, or I should probably just jump of the building now so I don't have to face up to it later.
nevertheless..
I think I'm finally getting over..things. my parents arguements and my new knowledge of so many different things this week that i didn't ever want to know at this stressful point of time with my exams, not just about her but about so many things..my condition, their past...
..and maybe even my feelings..no, love for her is changing now.
it's so hard to accept. so hard to let go.
im really grateful for my friends I guess. but it only shows I don't quite listen to them.
it's hard to listen too. to not hear the things I want to hear.
...huh.
maybe when all this is over, I can actually say it was good while it lasted.
love keeps you mushy and warm inside. it makes you a good person, even if it only lasts a while.
no wonder tom's been full of good advice maybe. haha.
although I kinda think that I already knew all that he was saying. because I use to say those things a lot. it's different though, when someone you love tells it to you, then it makes sense.
especially when you can';t think at that point of time.
so even after it's all faded away, hope that nothing really bad happens.
won't be awkward unless I make it that way.
lolz. so much for swearing off love for a while. when was the last time I did that? oh ya. guoyi. haha. but i didn't love her. just hurt myself only.
dumbass me.
well this time im NOT going to swear off love.
that way, maybe it'll keep it's mitts off me for a while.
and later in the future.
keep your hands off my girl.
ShadowFighterX
(this REALLY doesnt mean i can concentrate on my exams. sigh.)
.Thursday, September 20, 2007 ' 9:51 PM Y
=x
Mood: Ugh.
Haven't studied at all today.
No mood to do anything.
keith introduced me to chloe. somehow he seems pretty determined to pair me up with SOMEBODY.
i suppose i am a super boring person on msn, which is probably why I inevitably have stopped talking to people online. guess i really am a more personal-based guy.
not that im not grateful to keith for trying to deter my feelings away from all sorts of other things..but I really don't think that kind of thing works.
hmm..am i really a boring person? haha.
guess it sort of depends on the situation.
maybe i'll do work. or sleep. or study for my chem test. or not do anything.
im such a slacker.
ugh.
just can't concentrate on anything.
kind of confused about so many things...
it's amazing how keith is her kor after like meeting her within..two weeks. what im really amazed at is how he even gets into situations where he gets to meet and befriend incredibly pretty girls, and somehow make out with some of them.
i mean, how unfair is that?
aha.
perhaps I shall tell him that sometime...
yours truly still saving up for something special...
that is, apart from prison break vcd set and electric guitars..
xian yang is going to kill me..haha..havent paid him in like forever..
.first time i've truly felt poor. maybe i should get a job. or starve. either way sounds like a good way to get cash.
or sell comics, cards, or something? heh. got too much stuff at home i don't use.
I feel bored. I'm boring myself and the people around me.
Life is so unfulfilling..
but somehow, being back in the game..something is bound to happen...
and I can't wait to see what it is.
because if I didn't, I wouldn't be me.
ShadowFighterX
. ' 6:44 PM Y
=x
Mood: Um...
haha.
good mood calmed down a little.
god knows why im posting so much lately..not like people are reading it.
feels good to type though. especially when i can't type out my novel instead. haiz. I did not think this through..
mm..
well the whole things blown over..
going to miss those girls teasing me though..haha..
i guess I only asked because I don't want anyone to get hurt.
which is stupid.
sometimes I really hate girls when they go overboard with their practical jokes. well. certain ones anyway. they make you paranoid that other girls who really like you are doing the same thing. and then it either becomes a misunderstanding or really really embarassing.
like jean says, 'let nature take it's course' and whatnot. but seriously, nature doesn't have a course. yeah.
i am sleepy.
pearl has gone to sleep. without doing my blogskin. poke ball. -_-
but i really appreciate you helping me pearl. thanks. =)
im sleepy.
don't feel like blogging anymore.
stuff just came up.
haiz.
oro. and jen, i found your friendster from marcus's p friendster (unusually the only time i go on it is when someone sends me a message or an invite) so add me k? haha.
ShadowFighterX
.Wednesday, September 19, 2007 ' 10:40 PM Y
=x
Mood: Happy. =)
haha.
im blogging more cuz nowadays I feel like blogging more.
Maybe it's cuz I...
1. don't like report writing.
2. run out of inspiration for my novels.
Okay nobody is responding to my smses...
kinda annoying.
hmm.
anyway im happy for several reasons.
one is that the gaggling girls group left me a heart shaped cookie, claiming it's from that girl they claim has a crush on me, which is quite silly, but i guess its pretty funny they went through so much trouble to pull off a predictable practical joke, and I'm kinda amused, not to mentioned slightly touched. AHAHA. nobody has done something like that for me b4..so yeah...
i'll probably keep the container as a souvenir. hehe.
um. then went out for dinner..joey suggested a place where he and i could play time crisis 4 afterward (omfg i just realized we spent almost $26 on it!) and after eating chicken rice (yay.) then played. naturally i was leading like mad. hehe. poor joey. maybe it;s cuz i practiced my two ezone coins on time crisis 1 at cine the other time. ahaha. of cuz later joey started to lead again, being that he's more offensive but i value my life more, so we struggled like mad till the last stage when joey died and i was the only one left in the game.
lolz. i was left with two lives and the boss had FIVE HUGE BARS OF HEALTH. WTH LA.
so i blew him up with all my grenades and my machine guns, and then he only had two bars left. =)
and then he shot me and i lost a life...
and then i took out my shotgun with only 8 shells in it..
and spent it on his second last bar and a bit on his last bar..
and then he shot and he missed by so little i almost collapsed.
whew.
and i shot him and won. yay. =)
a bit high la. sound pretty kiddy for a 15 year old teenager.
but it was pretty exciting, yeah.
mm.
can;t stop thinking about the heart shaped biscuit in my fridge. haha. to eat or not to eat.
i mean it's really so damn cute. (note i put the 'damn' before the 'cute' so tom won't scold me like he and i scolded waik about his 'rawr'. what guy says 'RAWR?!')
then again, it could taste bad. =(
ah well.
bought back long john's silver after that (mum and dad must be feeling really rich) and have it for lunch tomorrow!! with my favourite chocolate pie!
yay for chocolate pies. bet pearl's jealous. ehehehe.
..yeah i really feel childish.
ah well.
happy la.
=) whee.
later.
ShadowFighterX
. ' 5:51 PM Y
=x
Mood: Content.
Wow I'm feeling better.
And I really did it myself!
i think.
hmm..
don really know WHY i said all those things yesterday..
something must have really happened inside my head..
or my heart.
mm.
today was okay, i guess.
ben goh was being a whiny bitch, but i guess as a kid he has a lot to learn. maybe i should just give up, but then again, I wouldn't be me if I was to give up on my juniors again.
somehow, I feel responsible..that maybe if I hadn't left the team, he would still look up to me and know that I only do what I do because I care about the kid.
Pity they got to him first.
Really, evil comes in all forms..
The last school I was in, by the end of the year I had no enemies left...I guess I really took for granted the kind of friends who are willing to risk everything to help you help someone else...
this school. well. being back in the hero game isn't so bad. made a couple of new friends already, even if they are all gaggling girls who go over to my neighbours house and call me lukey and stuff. a bit annoying from the noise, but kind of cute i guess. im sort of flattered.
sort of.
then again, it makes me feel alone, because at least last time i had a group of people to help me..
now i have no one in school, at least..
no wonder why i feel more comforted by my god bros and the church ppl.
hmm.
oh ya -carynn. thanks. =)
Today I smelled brownies from the home ec. room again...the smell is driving me mad, seriously. as soon as i got home, i ate chocolates. lots of it.
the girls were making a lot of noise below my classroom...poor ms peh. wasn't exactly able to pay attention in her class. report writing is boring.
then again, I have a test on it tomorrow.
mustn't screw it up.
chem test on friday. havent even prepared my notes.
afraid im probably going to fail this one. and oh, still can't find my chinese shou ce. there goes my savings.
played a bit of bball even though i shldnt have, beat 8 of my juniors by myself b4 mr yee decided to throw off all the uniformed ppl.
oh ya, and subhas kissed justin on the lips yesterday. must tell the girls. lolz.
just kidding.
mm.
speaking of subhas..
he seems to be more online lately than even I am.
weird.
maybe cuz bball is suspended..
the guys really don't like karee. personally. neither do I.
someone fainted today. hope it's not the girl from bowling. though it did look like it. she was convulsing. haiz.
and wee used his squash manuever on rachael. they are attached, after all.
I don't think I'll ever get used to the idea of couples in my class..or their class or whatever. im not really part of it..seems i'll never be. haiz.
kenny and miaoling seem to have hooked up also.
not like it's my business.
somehow though, it makes me uncomfortable. don't know why.
keep thinking something's going to happen.
ah well.
tests tomorrow.
exams next week.
pray for me guys. k?
I have more than just studying to do...
have to save a life or two.
again.
ShadowFighterX
(funny how when I get back into the game, it seems so many people are looking for someone to be a hero. well. that's what this antisocial is here for. maybe people will finally see that im not such a bad guy.)
.Tuesday, September 18, 2007 ' 9:42 PM Y
=x
Mood: Sigh,.
well yours truly is a blooming hero. hooray. let's all cheer.
and a idiot.
die luke. die. infinite omnislash.
wheeee.
im not sure how exactly someone can feel high and extremely..hurt, confused, stupid at the same time.
it's not that i should be hurt or anything, but because im such a posessive, sensitive and idiotic idiot, i think i am.
i don';t think anyone has a vague idea of everything in my life i've been through, except maybe a really really small number, biological family NOT included..
and i think it's about time someone realized..
that i don't let go easily.
today i realized.
by pure dumb luck again.
that no matter how much you think you know someone.
you don't.
that they may be so different from everything you realized they would be. that the knowledge of it can, and would totally destroy their relationship with you.
the people we care about, the people we love...
how'd you feel if you loved someone and realized that you didn't know them at all?
someone already warned me. probably. somewhere in my lifetime.
im just the gullible idiot. can't be helped.
i hate myself, more than any other time in this world, right here, right now, right FUCKING NOW. i could go to hell and i really wouldn;'t give a shit about who the hell dies or not.
of course, the irony of this is that i really wanted to know.
so kill me. just break me and kill me.
im so tired of being who i am. how anyone...
oh fuck that.
nevermind.
yours truly is shattered again.
maybe, these nightmares might kill me.
maybe, someone will destroy my subconscious entirely and i might become brain dead, or psycho, or have some violent personality change.
anything is better than the alternative.
does anyone have any idea how much heartbreak i've gone through?
im tired. so tired,. always tired. no in between.
i never, ever gey anything i want.
maybe it's time to give up on love.
maybe i want to be single for the rest of my life.
maybe i want to be a FREAKING VIRGIN, FOR THE REST OF MY ALREADY PATHETIC LIFE, AND IT REALLY WOULDN;'T MAKE MUCH DIFFENCE ANYWAY.
maybe i should just die.
ShadowFighterX
(ironically, i was thinking things couldn;t get worse than the other day...)
(please don't tell me you care..i don't wanna hurt anyone else..)
.Monday, September 17, 2007 ' 3:21 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..AHH.
okay im a total total idiot.
anyone remembers wha i said about getting back into the hero game?
well after they were in the clear i started talking to them. damn it.
i mean just because meeting someone is new...exciting..different..
doesnt give me an excuse! im not desperate!
i probabl appeared desperate.
bet my neighbour doesn't even like me now. huh.
ah well.
i still have a job to do.
turns out that karee( how to spell) is actually botak, which means good luck to him.
i mean he's the same guy that pissed off the whole bball team last year, INCLUDING me because of his screwed up attitude.
so good luck to him.
ah i can't do.
i have a conscience right?
even if the guy is an idio.
maybe the guys won't do anything stupid.
yeah i wish.,
.Sunday, September 16, 2007 ' 10:15 AM Y
=x
Mood: Sleepy.
To the random guy who just posted on my blog: I don't really care. haha.
and um. screw you? just for good measure. =)
yeah that was pretty mean. =/
okay.
it's like. 10.11 on sunday. im. really. sleepy.
slept in at 1.30 plus yesterday..keith, jean and jen probably slept even later...lolz. so silly. nothing better to do in the the morning. haha. call and talk crap.
well keith at any rate. ;)
well at least until they started talking with their 'spouses.' pang seh. huh.
AHA LOL then why the heck was jean awake?
thats' so mean. ehehehe.
anyway i must have fallen asleep before 2 because when i woke up jean had sent me a message sometime just,,b4 2 (okay that's kinda obvious) asking me to call her, so yep.
yesterdays' talk was a bit..well at least when keith wasn't around, a bit unexpected. i think she'll read this eventually, so it's..well. okay.
im just glad she really told me the truth and it really didn't hurt. much.
i guess it's never easy to just accept but hey, that's life.
besides, even if by some miracle, i probably would make a lousy bf.
i mean look at my previous relationships. seriously.
my first ex is now a psycho lesbian.
and.
okay.
nvm.
i think being a good bf is really a lot more difficult then it seems. i know people who im really close to who have this great relationship, and its 6 months already. i never thought in the beginning that it would work out but i think it did because they both really love and care about each other, and it just comes naturally to them after that.
it's real love. and i know, because i've known all my life.
of course if i turned out to be wrong for some seriously messed up reason it would be sad.
tsk. but i guess it's the kind of relationship you expect will last forever. =)
so how about hers?
im not to say because apart from being an idiot emo, i also can't think about it properly.
but i've known for a long time the right thing to do.
i think her friendship means a lot to me now. i've said so before. i don't want to lose it.
and as long as i know who i should be to her and not who i want to be, then it's okay.
because really, i understand.
I do/.
ShadowFighterX
(i just realized i blogged only 9 hours ago. haha.)
.Saturday, September 15, 2007 ' 10:40 PM Y
=x
Mood: mm..
Officially no longer addicted to the sappy teen titans movie.
which is kinda sad. haha. i bet you guys think i've gotten soft.
trust me, it's anything but that.
huh. no one has been tagging. thinks* ah well.
not so angsty right now. thanks to tom and waik at least. especially tom for that day.
it's just that i realize well..yeah already mentioned..how much i need to be humbled.
anyway, after that was a lot of humbling.
i mean, seriously, NOTHING went well after that.
mum let me go bball at 9 pm. pretty good right?
then on my way back, some asshole m****rf*****r who had his headlights on me for like how many seconds, tried to move me out of the way by plowing me down!
i mean wtf?! (see all this is only because i'd rather not type out the vulgarity)
i was lucky that i only collided with the sidewalk and escaped with several scars to my leg, but what really pisses me off is not that the guy could have killed me, but more along the lines that he drove off right after i swerved and almost died.
b**t**d.
mm./
she overslept today, which is kinda sad because i really wanted to talk to her over lunch, but i can't really blame her. im not half as busy as she is. =(
can't reveal her name, but i guess if she's reading this and those who know you'd know yep?
i guess there's a lot to complain about, but complaining is a sin.
got lost, various things happened. good thing pam came today to convince me to cool down.
i told her after i revised myself i'd tutor her, cuz she lives near enough to come over..hopefully i can help her out.
mm.
and i decided officially to get back in the hero game despite the risks it has to my life, and my family and friends(or so my family claims anyway.)
because doing the right thing, as someone who i really love as a brother once told me, doing the right thing should be because you want to.
not out of obligation or something else.
i mean i helped some strangers (incidentally, a group of girls, one of them being my neighbour, who's kind of cute. ehhehe. not harumi. lolz.) and it felt good, really. that i knew what i could do to help and i did. there wasn't much thanks involved, but maybe it's not about receiving their admiration or even their friendship.
yeah..
and pearl poked me a lot today. dunno why. she seems pretty happy i guess. im glad.
jean was normal. at least. jean-normal. jean is not normal. haha.
mm. ced couldn't come today, ethan had a swollen toe and couldn;'t come either.sigh.
didn't get to talk much to jen either. or keith.
had ct today. really didn't do anything. aggie kept laughing at me and jean. i have no idea why.
sulwyn was normal today too i guess. although maybe in a good mood cuz she suggested we interrupt adeline's cg and that's something i reallyreally wanted to do, but eventually she went back to the serious sulwyn. tsk.
slacked during service. caught the important points, missed a lot of repeated and non repeated stories of pastor kenny. today's sermon was one of the less interesting ones.
i didn't want to tell her she was so incredibly beautiful today because..
i've been trying to give up on her? for both her and myself.
number one because i keep gazing at her gorgeous figure, i think she might get kind of freaked out. it's not my fault she's so pretty, but i really should have some level of self control.
number two being that she's attached, and I should probably not try anything stupid. come to think of it, maybe it was better she couldn't make it, because i might have said something stupid when caught up in the heat of the moment, and subsequently lose her friendship.
i don't want to lose her at all.
i hate giving up when i don't want to. but i guess it's something i have to accept.
a lesson from so long ago..that you can't force love. i know that better than anyone else my age. they probably couldn't come up with 8 and a half years worth of arguements.
ah well..
life..
sucks.
but at least i have people to go through it with me.
ShadowFighterX
.Thursday, September 13, 2007 ' 7:57 PM Y
=x
...why?I mean...
It just..hurts.
so much.
has anyone ELSE noticed how pathetic my responses have become?
Like i can't seem to say the right thing anymore.
like i''ve lost my empathy or sensitivity or something.
it's really painful.
I think God has humbled me quite a lot over the years, and now is just one of those time periods I have to remember I am living my life for him.
it's not that im complaining. which i am, of cuz.
I mean, I've lost any talent in basketball, any opportunity in basketball I might have had.
I have officially lost all forms of Secondary School Popularity, which is very ironic.
I no longer have any abilities to do or say anything right.
I am officially irritating, and pathetic with girls.
I am a whiner.
I am afraid of rejection, in all forms, including basketball.
I fear everyday that because of all the reasons above, I may lose my true friends, which is really silly because that's why they're true friends, but I'm so paranoid and afraid.
I can't imagine my life without any of them.
I just can't do this anymore God.
You keep making me feel so worthless.
Like I can never do anything.
I can't do anything right anymore. I feel so hopeless. So lost. My basketball, my running, my studies, my social life, my school, everything just sucks.
Just give me a miracle. All I ask for is a miracle. That you revive my life like it was, or whatever you have planned.
I don't know whether you want me to suffer for something, but I promise I'll stop doing what im doing if you just bless me again. They say that sin blocks of God's blessings, and I believe it now more than ever.
I think my mother hates me.
I think the world is against me and after everything I've done for people, if for some really WEIRD reason not include what people have done for me, then the world owes me a living.
I wish.
I'm so tired of fighting. I am so FUCKING TIRED OF BEING ALL ALONE.
you better respond God.
I am done here. ..I don't want to do this if I can't hold on to the faith that you love me/.
I can't.
ShadowFighterX
(i think...i know why my basketball is so bad, why i can't talk to people, why everything became like this in the first place, but I don't want anyone to get hurt. they don't understand.)
(no one understands..)
.Wednesday, September 12, 2007 ' 9:56 PM Y
=x
Mood: =)
feeling much better. for now.
okay first of I totally screwed up math.
but i got my first a1 for chinese. unbelievable, no?>
good thing i aced math last term, so i won't get pulled down by so much...
okay anyway,.
um.
teen titans in tokyo is one of the funniest movies ever?
or maybe im just a sucker for mushy romances between starfire and robin.
robin is a bit of an idiot though. but well. it's really cute. haha.
Starfire is explaining to Robin about why she kissed the Japanese boy, he learns that was why he kissed her in order to learn how to speak the language.Starfire: On Tamaran in simply signifies the transfer of knowledge...but on your world...it means...more? ..or so I've heard. *blur look*Robin: *dreamy look* (stares at Starfire, then snaps out of trance) OH. More. Right! I mean yes..! (starts stammering) I've heard that too.(Starfire sneaks in to sit closer to Robin, both look at each other and give sheepish laughs.)Robin: (sprays mouth)Starfire: (checks herself to see if she smells okay)Robin: (checks reflection in the birdarang)Starfire: (eats hundreds of mint freshners)(stare dreamily at each other)Robin: Hi. Starfire: Greetings.Robin: Starfire?Starfire: Yes Robin?Robin: You know you're my...best friend, right?Starfire: And you are mine..Robin: I never want anything to get in the way of that.Starfire: Nothing ever could. (interlocks fingers with Robin, both blush)Robin: ..I know.Starfire: Then...we have nothing to fear.(both lean in for kiss, super mushy heartwarming music plays)Robin: (realizes brushogun's weakness) FEAR!! (stops at once)DUMBASS.
I mean you're kissing a beautiful girl and RUIN it for yourself. OMFG.
Ah well they kissed in the end. =)
yay.
as in the end of the movie.
ah what the heck. watch it yourself.
Physics and chinese test tomorrow.
whew.
after relaxing after the tests for a while, I have to mug for exams.
good luck people.
later.
ShadowFighterX
(wonder if I can still stay back for dinner on sat..?)
(must learn new chords and new songs to play!)
.Saturday, September 08, 2007 ' 11:01 PM Y
=x
Mood: hurt.
just came back from david and daniel tai's house.
the bbq was fun.
jen didn't come. i was throughly disappointed.
got to talk to pam awhile. good to talk to her. really.
bball.
soccer.
guitar.
especially guitar. haha.
im feeling serious now, especially after all the immature nonsensical fun i just had.
I don't know why these thoughts keep going through my mind.
I don't know why I'm such a coward to tell her how I really feel.
How I really felt.
So this is for you.
You'll probably see this while doing my new blogskin.
thus you know this is for you, my mei.
You surprised me today with your laugh. it was amusing since i really didn't know you were there. the look on your face still makes me chuckle in bemusement.
earlier when you said your figure was terrible, I thought it was one of the most silly things to say. maybe you were being modest. or you meant it. I don't know. But believe me when I meant that you look a lot better than you think. you're really cute, and incredibly pretty, but I guess I never got to tell you that even when we were ever so very briefly attached.
I lied when I said I didn't hurt. I lied when I tried to put it behind me so easily, like nothing had happened, like nothing would ever happen. I ruined it for us, our closeness, our friendship, our shreds of intimacy.
I wanted to. I really wanted to be what he wasn't, because it killed me to see you so hurt. But I'm not the one you turn to anymore. ultimately, you don't need to turn at all.
But I couldn't and I wasn't. You didn't love me that way, and vice versa...perhaps. We were just fooling each other. I was lost in my own hurt and distress. I don't know about you.
I hated,, hated that you still loved him, hated that you love him, hated that you got attached again. I resented it. I denied it. I wish it didn't happen but it did, and I was jealous. I was angry. And most of all, I was so hurt.
I wanted to curse him. or somebody. anybody. maybe even you. but you know im not that kind of person. yet again, there's only so long a guy can cry.
guys aren't supposed to cry, are they?
that's just silly.
I don't know why you reacted the way you did about what i said about jen and the electric guitar. true, it was something not meant to joke about. but I've been making so many lame jokes, to cover everything under a layer of immaturity and limited lust, just to try and pretend that i wasn't hurt.
I never want anything bad to happen to you. I'd kill myself before I hurt you myself.
Maybe that's why I've been pretending to be somebody I'm not. everyone in church has noticed it. I know it.
but it';s still easier to pretend than to just..try being angry at you. to try an admit that I was hurt.
I was in love with junice lim for 8 and a half years. Obviously, I don't let go so easily.
I guess I'm a more emotional than physical guy, which is probably why now I desire some sort of intimacy because I've never desired it before.
It makes me feel so lost and confused, and it's hard to leave it all behind, and I wish I wasn't crying, wasn't hurting when I write this post, but I have and I am.
Because at the end of the day, I realize that if I had never sonehow ended up asking you out, I would still love you as I should, as a kor should a mei.
that my love for you would never change only for such a short time before it has to change back, and it just hurts so very much along the way...
the real point im trying to make is that I'm sorry I couldn't say how I feel.
that maybe sometime soon, I'll repeat this all because I'm still hurting.
but not as much.
I don't know why you reacted that way about the jen thing.
I hope it wasn't because you were jealous, but I really doubt it.
I resent myself because I liked it when you were jealous and hate it when you aren't.
it's not right.
if you understand, and forgive me.
then do me a favour and call me. just for a short while.
and tell me that it's okay.
maybe tell me why you reacted that way bt jen and the electric guitar.
pretty idiotic, but I still didn;t get it.
I love you pearl, as I always have, and always will. sometimes when you and I are so close, it's hard not to imagine just crossing that line again...
but you wouldn't, and I couldn't.
with this post, my love for you changes back to what it was always meant to be, that brotherly friendship love we ended up becoming from the moment we first found somebody to talk about.
take care of yourself mei.
I love you.
ShadowFighterX
.Wednesday, September 05, 2007 ' 10:40 PM Y
=x
Mood: Haiz.
Kinda sad now,.
Stuff been going on, but I told tom the gist of it already..
but i wasn;'t so unhappy..then i started talking to her...
i don't know why I think so much.
I'm a HIJACKER. nobody really understands what that is and i've revealed it so many times that i don't count...because this world is no longer relevant to me..
but somehow i can't help but get..caught.
anyway, I did mostly math and ro until lunch..then went to yi feng's place where he taught me guitar stuff. then went to tom's house. left my amp there.
met ashleigh. he seems like a nice guy.
talked crap and did math, played around with guitars and stuff.
went down myself, met benjamin, trained a bit before going haato with them.
went back, ro a bit, write my new novel a bit (it's Lances of Krain, in memory of JunXiang..lolz) and then ate dinner. talked and stuff. it's all so real now.
called her after asking. can't forget manners.
love the sound of her voice.
she doesn't know how to pronounce a lot of words. haha.
turns out she's with her bf now..so.
i can't get this imagery out of my head of me reading a book called 'Stealing other guy's Girlfriends, Lessons 101', which is quite stupid actually.
im not so mean.
or even capable.
and then her phone died so i can;t talk to her.
feel sad yep.
=(
wish i knew what i was doing.
it's complicated.
ShadowFighterX
GunXlinger
(at least I'm starting my new book..but what about my old ones? sigh.)
.Sunday, September 02, 2007 ' 9:33 PM Y
=x
Mood: Oro.
Feeling slightly blur.
came back from bball in ghim moh a couple of hours ago..not my best performance, but i realized how to unlock myself..so...
anyway today was not very eventful.
kept poking poke ball after service. i notice my finger bounces off. lolz.
and then jeanette and ethan and ced will surround her. AHAHAHAHA.
SO EVIL.
yeah well..
service was okay.
rushed home after shopping. turns out ice milo doesn;t go well with mutton curry. owww.
and pretty much played ro. thanks to waik, jamie and tom who helped me grow like. 13 levels on my gunslinger account in one day. LOL.
knight sucks. lord knights have lots more offensive abilities.
but base lvl needs to be 99. OMG.
gunslinger would be a lot cooler..if i could decide on rifles, guns or shotguns. ugh.
splashing or spraying?
..wow. talk about a matter of life and death.
anyway, apart from math and source based, I forgot all my other homework.
sigh.
yeah well. got to do the compo by tonight so i have an excuse to stay on the com.
craps.
ShadowFighterX
.Saturday, September 01, 2007 ' 12:08 AM Y
=x
Mood: Happy.
Went back to hpps today./
Hpps always makes me happier.
saw ms chua and mrs lisa lee. =)
anyway met up with some people. things have changed. not everyone is the same..
people still seem the same..still get along with everyone..tons of new phone numbers...
but i guess some people have changed to the extent that they didn't want to come back.
the celebreation wasn;t great. and i was a bit..well. mixed feelings. of happiness and jealousy for wee. going back to hpps once again reminds me of how much better i was in pri sch then now.
maybe subhas..rach..i dunno who else changed, but i guess im not done with it.
bball -wise, it's nice to know i haven't let anyone beat me more times then i've beaten them...so i guess maybe i can't claim no.1 in singapore, but i guess unofficially, i know what i can do and what i've done. it's over-more or less.
played a bit in hpps also.
my shooting going to suck tomorrow.
waik really didn't go back. junice also.
sigh.
after all of it, talked with gloria for a while then went back home le. fell asleep.
ate dinner. went to secret recipe for cake.
went to pandan valley and caught up on stuff with xian yang.
he gave me his amp and if i like his electric guitar, i'll probably buy it for like. $200-$250 la. it's in pretty good condition, except it's not tuned. i'll have to learn how to play it i guess. have no idea how to play it at all. :/
lolz it was really good today.
went back and talked with pearl and a bit with tom.
then now typing lor.
i am sooooo tired.
oro. and ms ang's like. either married or getting married already.
hahahahahahahaha...
i heard the guy say it and felt nothing. nothing.
YEAH BABY. ;)
touche ppl.
later.
;)
ShadowFighterX