.Thursday, May 31, 2007 ' 7:22 PM Y
=x
Mood: :)
um right now im bugging sabrina.
it isn't everyday i get to talk to ex classmates..
and rachael was right, it is so much better this way.
for a while, i felt like myself again..
woke up pretty early...
then went to take 61 and almost failed to get off at vivo. bleah. im really bad at counting bus stops.
then got lost in vivo for another half an hour or so..
i nthe end finally found mcdonalds..met up with chilli padi (shiyu) and amanda,...
then went to rescue val cuz she was lost also. AHAHAHA.
so i found her really quickly.
then they all ate at mcdonald's. lost my appetite from all that walking. which is ironic, because all that was supposed to make me hungry.
then went to the mrt station to wait for the others.
lolz then played cards. very funny station guy. he asked us to move out of the way but NOT to stop tplaying cards..like lolz? we really thought he was going to stop us.
then ida, zachary, bryan (as in chan mali chan. a first! lolz! bet tom's glad he didn't go. but bryan's better now la. :), atalia and kai yang arrived.
went to sentosa and played in the water...
atalia was being anti social and a bit shy. amanda just didn't wanna get wet. but i got to talk to them for a while, especially atalia.
bryan was wearing a gay pink t-shirt! like LOL. but he was a good guy today la. really.
played monkey and a bit of dodgeball..splashed around..shiyu swam across that whole area la. that's scary. seriously. really deep.
quite fun.
then it started to rain..took shelter..
i lost my glasses. crap.
as in seriously.
arrgh!
oh finee.
then i went to change cuz i was really really sticky in sand. changed then it was raining heavily and everyone was gone. and decided not to eat in sentosa. so after i was lost (again!) took the bus to vivo..
and it stopped raining. damnit.
then something.um. embarassing happened to me which only the guys know abt. hehheh. ;(
ate lunch, and after a bit of trouble, sabrina and david showed up, and then stephie and amy.
stephie is so cool now la. she's got like so many piercings, including neck and tongue. i bet jamiejamie's jealous. ;)
walked around a bit, wanted to watch a movie or go arcade but both couldn't/ eventuallly. we just settled down and played a few of chilli's games for a while, before playing cards for almost 2 hours.
i was not president at all. it's all ida's fault. :(
scum!
then after so much time, the guy at the snack counter finally said we cna't play cards in the lobby! like LOL! AFTER BEING THERE FOR SO LONG.
okay fine.
then after a bit ofchatting, went home.
really enjoy being with them. =( pity it's over.
took 61 back with amy and sabrina..
sabrina has a few secrets she won't tell me! everyone bug her!
come to think of it.
ida's always been a knockout and i've known her like longer than any guy.
sabrina and atalia..and jiawen..well. always have been quite pretty.
and chilli's cute la.
but after all that, i've never felt that way for them, even if i tried, i don't think..
nah.
it's just good to have friends la.
i hope i'll stop taking them for granteed.
i really do.
happy la. ;)
later!
.Wednesday, May 30, 2007 ' 7:48 PM Y
=x
Moodl:
Okay so after going bball by myself..
well iactually did training. so proud of myself. solo training. haven't done that for a long time.
polished up on my new move..a couple of suicides..
im really out of shape.
then after dinner, called about the details of tomorrow's 6c reunion at sentosa..
i really don't know what we're going to do. i mean i like our hpps ppl andd all, but what exactly are we going to do there?
hmm.
ah well, can't be more bored..tom will have his 2-9 reunion which means him, timo and jamie will be busy.
i would bring waik, but im not sure if that's suitable.
so after numerous calling people (with rather amusing results) welll..
i guess there's only one more person to call.
and she' the one who said she'd go out with me if she wasn't so busy. ;)
lolz.
later.
. ' 5:13 PM Y
=x
Mood:
Okay I'm only a bitt. frustrated.
i mean here i thought i'd be a good boy and do work until 5.
and aka, nobody wants to go bball today. or can't/
sheesh!
tom's a bit sian, plus, he's going to be in japan during sudnay so that means no training till after that..
haven't tried to contact monkey, boss, brother or gay tthey all cuz they live a bit far away to go bball asap..
waik got tuition..
and people are not answering me on msn!
oh fine.
oh and i saw the post on jamie's blog. :)
LOL I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE ACTUALLY WENT THROUGH WITH IT.
but it looks gd la. can remind myself of that day. =)
but seriously. very frustrated. where's the justice?
lolz.
should play bball later...by MYSELF.
errgh.
I just realized that i got beaten by timo yesterday for the first time!
and that guy who's so-called not better than chao le.
shall choose to be in doubt and not believe timo so i can feel better about myself.
that way, i can have my revenge. wahahaha.
training starts next week!
my team better be punctual and attend..
and work hard!
and keep up with studies la.
im not failing again.not this time.
.Tuesday, May 29, 2007 ' 9:26 PM Y
=x
Mood:
Kinda pissed originally..
but today i talked to my parents about my ..condition.
and yeah, i was pretty [issed. but i guess it's not all a bad thing because i feel better now.
im surprised i feel better.
lolz.
so this is my first-second-third-donknow attempt to feel positive this year..
yeah..
i guess really speaking, n0body likes a negative person all that much..
and i guess not everyone can see what happens to me, so i admit that my life should be better than this..
but if it's for people like that guy to keep judging me, then..
well. that's missing the point, isn't it?
I'm BLACKLISTED. oooh. scary.
lately, i know that there's been some sort of beastial, primitive wild side of me...
something i can't seem to control very well..until recently..
i guess i really thought that he was a true friend..that he would understand.
but maybe we only became friends because of basketball. sad but true.
teacher probably knows what i said to him, since he and i whine a lot..
...sad.
i guess i have a lot of reason to transfer..
so i was pleasantly surprised when my dad suggested it.
but i shocked myself but saying no.
because i also have a lot of reason not to transfer. so very-negative luke ho is here to stay.
and if jamiejamie keeps calling me homo, im sure that im going to think that i actually go through pms. i mean seriously.
but it's okay cuz she's fat.;)
speaking of fat jamiejamies.
yesterday went lan and to watch potr 3..
then everyone decided to pwn jamiejamie. AHAHA.
actually if it wasn'[t for her i'd be like. last.
but im fourth instead. yay!
it was quake 4, i think. and i had the lead in one of the games for a very long time, till lucas and tom stole it.
in fact, lucas was owning. i didn't know he could play so well.
and waik was crazy about some chio bu acting in this lesbian flick. tsktsk waik .that's why you can't think straight. ;) but we knew that all along. AHAHAHA.
the movie wasn't that great.
sadly. and we didn't play bball on that day either.
oh and i was staying over at tom's place.
so we came back and i met his father's friend's son joshua. okay guy. don know why tom doesn't like him. oh well. first impression. watched heroes and a bit of tv. had very late mcdonald delivery. so cool right? (tom's DAD is my hero!)
so i was like sleeping on the edge of the bed and fell off. oww.
turns out justin (tom's bro) got up, went to sleep on tom's bed and tom subconsciously move to my side..
effectively pushing me off.
okay la. no big deal. after all, im such a great friend. (yeah right)
then he started snoring. go tom. great.
im really not sure whether i fell asleep at all.
then when he stopped snoring and i did fall asleep, somebody called.
that person was probably fat.
and noisy.
and it turns out tom had lesson. genius, luke. genius.
but being the natural born hero that i am, i herocially woke up tom( grouch! ) ;) and saved the day! yay!
lolz. i still didn;t get to play much bball.
except i went nanhua play a while..and lost to some guy who was a bit arrogantt..
who's apparentely not better than chao le..
does that mean chao le was very very VERY off form that day?! means that i didn't beat him fairly?
actually u can ask brother or monkey or jamiejamie, on friday i was so incredibly awesome. as in seriously. i don't think i've played better.
but then like.
oh that reminds me, she didn't elaborate on her blog! she said she would! :( now she's fat, homo and mean!
oh and point being means i need to come back to nanhua.
plus, it's good for training. if leon is anything like chao le(when he's on form) ..that's good enough for the going-to-be-no.-1-1-on-1 player in singapore, right?
..and my studies ain't grand. :(
ah well.
i have a goal now. :)
i always did.
one thing that bothers me is my guilt..
i think i told timo already by accident..
but i will not betray my friends. my family.
..or my heart.
so if I was to tell Junice Lim that I still loved her, that I've changed. That maybe someday, I could be good enough for her. that maybe if all I needed was to be the reason for her smile?Would that be enough?..but not for her.would it be enough..for me.this time, it's about what I need now...and I feel guilty about being so selfish.
.Sunday, May 27, 2007 ' 8:21 PM Y
=x
Mood: Sleepy.
Okay yesterday wasn't the most exciting.
I think that bball at 4 plus on saturdays will not be very good...the gangs are having full court matches at fushan so it's really not that exciting to like .just watch them.
some of them really pro but others quite noob la. a bit sad.
so not dropping by rv or nan hua soon..
studied a bit of A math today..dad helped me with binomial theormem, so my homework should be somewhat easier..
then cuz tom and waik were busy..stayed home..wrote a bit of Shadow infinity..and uploaded my 'how i made a difference' to ivle..
kinda bored today.
but dinner was great. :)
swensons and icecream!
yesterday a bit emo..
wonder if pearl is okay now..
beat a couple of ppl (well more like bullied them. i was still high after friday. lolz. so mean.) in bball...
and cg..then that's pretty much it? :(
aww.
oh and of cuz talked to fat jamiejamie. i seriously need a life though. can't keep depending on her for my source of entertainment.
;)
oh and beryberyl's dad had fever so she couldn't come yesterday to play bball..and bball has gotten her more tired anyway.
gary is setting up a GIRL'S team. no wonder he didn't ask me to join. lolz. to think i was almost offended.
why on earth is he setting up a girls team? I don't discriminate, to be honest.
but he's a GUY. and barely older. not weird meh?
ah well.
tomorrow is going to be fun. :)
oh and jeanette framed me! evil!
well that part i won't elaborate. lolz.
has yeo been emo lately or isit just my imagination?
ah well.
one whole month away from my classmates. nothing but playing and studying..and more playing.
i guess i don't really miss them, to be honest. a bit sad. but true.
i wonder why.
feel like im getting some of me back, at any rate..
maybe someday, i can be accepted for who i am in new town.
seriously, nan hua is a lot more accepting.
all u have to do is make a big show with the ace..AHAHAHA.
im mean. i know. but chao le is really powerful. another day la.
but i just wish it was as easy to be accepted in new town as it was for nan hua, you know?
having enemies in new town feels weird. i mean, i had enemies in hpps, but it was different. i have lifelong friends there and all of them became my friends i nthe end.
so why do i feel so discontented?
on a last note...
jamiejamie says not to like. take a special interest in girls anymore.
cuz that would seem kinda despo, wouldn't it?
i think it makes sense, tell me if u do!
that way i can actually get attached!
yup. despo./
lol.
alright then.
later! ;)tomorrow is going to be fun. :)
.Friday, May 25, 2007 ' 9:41 PM Y
=x
Mood: well..
Yesterday didn't blog..
didn't really want to..scared my mood i might flame someone..
..ah well.
I guess I forgive her, but what's going to happen now?
huh.
so anyway, today's friday!
last day of school..
a bit draggy..and not great..
results..
a lot of ppl beat me..
bleah.
but anyway.
after going to orchard yesterday ( for no particular reason) met pei jun on the bus.
im really grateful that brother decided to tag along with me. LOL.
and she and her friends quite. um. funny la.
yeah..
still not feeling too well..
but slightly better. im learning to go back to what i was..
a better person.
probably more despo than i already am though. is that even possible? haha.
so today after school played bball..went one on one with quite a lot of ppl..
then went nan hua..met jamiejamie quite early..
played with brother and monkey while waiting for sch to end..lolz. owned them both. im such a horrible bully.
then okay la. still got energy.
i found out the guy who's rather big is xavier. he's quite good la. i played him 11 ball and beat him 11-4..
i was sizzling hot as it was today, seriously. i don'[t remember the last time i played so well la. and for proof, you can ask jamiejamie. :)
then found chao le. :) so happy la. i was trying to play with him for how long already.
at first wanted to just play 3 ball cuz i was sooooo tired.
but went on to 7 ball game..then another 7 ball game..then an 11 ball game and i totally pwned! i was so awesome! OMG I INSPIRED MYSELF. AHAHAHAHAHA.
no but seriously. i was amazing. i probably never played that well in my life.
so after i won i was like seriously half dead.
and i still had the cheek to accept xavier's rematch. lolz. i won that also la.
but nan hua players are really good challenges. they play quite seriously.
guess now that i've beat chao le (although i think today he was a little off form offense-wise) i won't be dropping by so often. :(
but still will i guess. fun. :)
monkey lost to a sec 3 guy who wasn't even in the team! AHHHHHHH.
but that's okay cuz that guy is a pwnzord. yepyep.
he's like. not even in bball cca and so power. so cool.
oh and nowadays i feel like jamiejamie is fat for some reason. i don't know why.
she insists on calling me homo now even though i am..like. ANYTHING but homo. but then again, she's anything but fat. :)
aww fat jamiejamie. it's okay. you're still my heroine. ;)
oh then everyone else decided to be either busy or tired, but after a lot of complications ( and a lot of crap from me, waik and timo) brother, monkey, waik, timo, tom and I were actually in one place! yay!
tom looks funny in uniform. lolz.
and waik wouldn't stop whining and acting like an eel. AHAHAHA.
and jamiejamie was fat..hey i think i mentioned that already.
oh and she kicked my shin! pain..!!
especially since it's like. the one with the permanent injury?
so if it wasn't permanent i'd have been very angry. :(
some part of me still feels evil..still can unleash that dark, cold side of me..
i don't want it anymore.
getting my faith in god slowly but surely..since i realize a lot of things are going according to his purpose..except for my results, of cuz. so..
well.
im just glad nan tagged my blog. :)
(anna is my oldest sis)
oooh. sleep!
reminder to self: do not jump off the building. just because junice is attached. not worth it . well. not worth it ANYMORE. people love you. yepyep.
AHAHAHA.
well only laughing for the people love me part.
..yeah.
im not jumping off again, okay?
just don't hurt my feelings in a more personal way..
yeah.
yeah.yay i beat chao le at last!new limit breaker!new HIJACK mode!..i feel like im in a game now...but im missing my other main character. the girl, of cuz.The girl.
.Wednesday, May 23, 2007 ' 7:02 PM Y
=x
...I can't.
can't keep telling myself that I can do this..
i can't anymore.
this is not the way to do things.
am i still alive?abandoning it all is not such a bad idea.
i'm changing.i can't control it.i have lost everything.Today started off pretty well.
I mean, having a little form really helps the shooting..not to mention confidence.
Still didn't exactly talk to anyone today though.
But basketball was pretty good..
i didn';t lose..like. at all. lolz. beat hopper and hong kai today! :)
and subhas, but that's really not counted cuz not really playing serious.
in fact, i actually learnt some stuff from him today!
regarding post moves...hmm..
thinks*
ah well.
okay so after a bit of coaxing i got boss and brother to follow me..
hopefully they can follow me on friday..if i haven't decided to jump off the building by then, at any rate.
painful ironies today.
i don't know what happened..
so boss went tiong bahru, but brother followed me all the way to orchard.
right now im trying to figure out why the heck i went there.
i mean seriously, what the hell was i thinking?
math was actually interesting today.
okay that's random.
um.
yeah what the hell was i thinking?
she still hasn';t replied my sms.
oh ya and i wanna die!
actually i already wanted to die on the bus when i heard she was attached...
when did it start mattering to me again?
can't i keep my own desires away?
was my love for her never sincere enough?
dumbass.
love isn't meant to be forced.
and i can't keep denying myself from what i really want. what i really need.
time isn't just
nothing.what we said isn't just
nothing.even if it wasn't real to you.now it's just all desire, and pain.
and anger.
dumbass. you think anyone actually cares?
not anymore. still a few left.
i guess that's why you wanted to push them away in the end, huh>?
im changing...because if nobody cares about you...
then nobody will miss you once you're gone.
.Monday, May 21, 2007 ' 10:04 PM Y
=x
Mood:
Urgh.
my head is throbbing like crazy.
lost to weng weng today. quite sad la. 7 three pointers in an 11 ball game..the guys' beyond accurate.
had a little trip down memory lane..
plus..a little something that i'd rather not have found out...
who the heck is zhang qin de?
the 'luke' story? omg.
i am such an idiot.
of cuz, that's what u get when you're super bored in com lab and decide to type out all your friends' names in google. then you find luke. then junice. then both.
smartass.
zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:hello u noe zhang qinze arthur rite ?
Drop it like it's haaaaawt said:HAHAHA HE'S NOT CALLED ARTHUR. and he's in yr cls?!
Drop it like it's haaaaawt said:ohmeeegoooosh.
- zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:he in my class :)
- zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:and he want ppl to call us arthur ...
- zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:i mean call him arthur-.-
Wht the hell.Zhang Qin Ze Arthur.This gta be some joke.
- zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:then that day he was talking all about jing qin and junice at OBS...
- zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:then my whole class was like so touched by the luke story which qinze told ...
Drop it like it's haaaaawt said:HE KNWS THE LUKE STORY?
Drop it like it's haaaaawt said:eh..
Drop it like it's haaaaawt said:wht did he say :/ ah touched -.--
zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:donno he say jing qin say one
Drop it like it's haaaaawt said:hahahaha. how come talk about me &jq leh. wah he's damn weird.
- zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:like OMG who will go jump for a pri 6 hitl ?
- zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:*girl
Drop it like it's haaaaawt said:HAHAHA! tht was their reaction?
- zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:ya
- zhuo yang - Auspicium Melioris Aevi. said:like how many ppl will do that ?
Zhang Qin Ze has an extremely big mouth.
quote junice.
ahh fine.
yeesh. i don't believe this.
god, i do not need to even REMEMBER that.
so i shall not talk about it. :)
two ways to fly. u can dream that you're flying, or you can...
well yeah. =)
math file is sooo troublesome.
and im getting super bored.
i realized how much i've changed..
friends that i never expected to say it just keep telling me..
how much i've changed. how they don't know me anymore.
Can't focus. can't think, can't make sound decisions without thinking that i'm making a mistake, that im going to offend someone. paranoid.
ah well at least i stopped with the soft drinks. :)
bei ji and subhas aren't mad at me anymore (or come to think of it, they may not have been mad at me to begin with..im really paranoid) and..
and nothing. great. life still sucks.
and i have no more minutes left.
one chao le, one leon on the list..
3 novels..
one HIJACK...
and one me.
just let there be one me.
awww, i bet you say that to all the Lukes.The player.
.Friday, May 18, 2007 ' 10:24 PM Y
=x
Mood:
Urgh.
I mean 15 minutes a day to use the com?
I got more time than that when I was like. pr 3.
sheesh.
ah well.
at least all the stuff is lightening up a little..
sleep.
tired.
less pain.
more desire..
it's controlling me.
everytime i get hurt to that extent..it controls me..
i almost did something i could regret today..
chao le was busy.l
sheesh.
heard leon was nothing compared to chao le.
not reliable statement since it was from nanhua..
but yeah well.
see how.
....
im stubborn.
whee.
.Thursday, May 17, 2007 ' 10:54 PM Y
=x
Okay so that was fast..
ahh.
still grounded and stuff.
as for the rest of the things...
well. things have improved significantly, like my mental condition for example...
Im not going to say I was exaggerating..cuz i wasn't.
But still..
ahh well.
jamiejamie is my heroine. :)
and probably afina and yy as well. (except afina keeps telling me to go away whenever I beat her in something...lolz.)
don't have more than 5 minutes anyway...
tomorrow has to be a good day!
hope it doesn't rain.
oh ya. there's the pen awards thing. money money money!!
must write like. on a very boring topic..
so i dunno la. make it funny, heartwarming or what..?
and zhou lao shi let me off on not having my chinese file..
and there's this chinese karoake thing. lolz. not that im interested.
but if he is really giving away $400, i'd probably enter. AHAHAHA.
im quite pathetic. :(
bball is on my mind!
i think.
really not thinking or trying to study..
though that new a math topic might be a good place to start...
maybe it's time to focus on other things..
not.
bleah.
at least im no longer in despair.
after all.
what have i got to lose?
ShadowFighterX
*the end of the world means nothing to me.
for the people I actually care about..
well. that's a different story.
.Wednesday, May 16, 2007 ' 3:18 PM Y
=x
This is going to be my last post..for a while. A long while.
I've been grounded. My handphone is taken.
No ps2, tv, com..
etc.
That's not what Im worried about. Or angry. Or hurt about.
Some of my friends have turned away from me, others have been fed lies which they believed. I have lost them.
My relationship with my parents is in chaos.
My intelligence has become virtually nothing.
My L1R5 is a grand total of two B3's,1 c6 and 3 d7's.
Im not even going to count.
No love life either. Or social life.
The friends that I have, I never have enough time or good places to be with them.
I have lost everything.
I don't deserve this. I'm a good person. Not a great guy, or perfect, but i love my friends and family, I cherish my relationships, Im not actually manipulative.
And I love God. Believe me, I love God.
Now, Im not so sure.
Oh, and I lost my mind.
Dunno what it's called. A.D.D or something. I can't believe I don't even know my own mental and psychological condition. Maybe that's why Im mad.
I put my blood, my life, into love, my family, my friends, my relationships, my studies, and lastly myself.
I may not be entirely selfless but I have sacrificed so much.
I don't deserve this.
I don't.
I have lost everything.
I put my blood into this.
My blood.
My mind.
My heart.
My love.
I have lost everything.
I...will never be the same again.
...if you walk down the street and meet me, would you recognize me?
The face maybe. But not the person.
No more.
..I have lost everything.
It's over.
.Tuesday, May 15, 2007 ' 6:40 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...
I will kill someone tomorrow. I swear, it sure looks that way.
I mean taking out that bunch of REAL bow and arrows from sarawak and shooting a couple of people through the head (mind you, i've had archery lessons!).
sounds soooooo good.
urgh.
i mean it's not as if i failed a LOT OF SUBJECTS. or that the basketball team thing is going up again, or that my parents have those...things...
oioooh. im not mad. im psycho. seriously. i mean any moment one day i'll break and massacre you all .really.
ooh. oh ya, and the most important, i have no social life.
wait for me ,berylberyl! i'll find a growing older potion. AHAHAHAHA.
not happening. lolz.
yeah i seriously need some sort of help..like. now.
anyway. between two basketball teams and the converse one on one...
next year is the best chance, and yours truly knows it. playing against people you don't know will only make me better..stronger..and definetely pushing me to my best.
yeah man. ;)
i wonder when those competitions are though. :(
ah well mind can't really think of bball. it's traumatic, what's happened to my studies./
LOL I KNOW EVERYONE FROM MY STANDARD IS TRAUMATISED TOO. IT'S OKAY.
well except for qihui cuz she's such a GENIUS. ( so unfair. )
but well. you all didn't fail as much. i think.
i want the new linkin park cd to make me feel better. some screaming on PURPOSE will probably do me some good.
yeah.
what is life becoming?
darker.
and darker.
tsk.
for the past few days, god has not existed in my life.
i hope im not serious about this.
but then again..if my life becomes as screwed up as this, i can';t quite glorify god..
which would make me quite..useless.
so i might as well not have him. yay.
im so evil now. and corrupted. and twisted.
it's all the life's fault, seriously. satan. works in the mind and now reality.
damn him.
as for her..
well.
forget all the 'hers' in the past..or present..
no more love for Luke Ho.
Am I telling you guys that...or myself?if someone still believes in god, then believe in god for me a little while.im not okay.
.Monday, May 14, 2007 ' 10:47 PM Y
=x
Mood:
I'm hurt. It's not really a mood.
Bad things today consist of seriously screwed up results.
I don't deserve this.
I don't.
I put my blood into this..
I put. My blood. Into it.
I'm going mad.
Mum is driving me mad. I don't hate her.
I just dislike her , a lot right now.
yeah.
Tired from the basketball today.
Went with brother and boss...met the others they play with regularly.
A china guy (monster. well. that's what brother called him. it's his nickname. i THINK) , a sji guy from thailand (gay. lolz! that's his nickname cuz he's the only one in an all guys school. AHAHAHA SUCKER. LOL. jk.), monkey(think his real name is..um...) and um. yeah well.
Boss, brother, monkey, gay and monster. AHAHAHA.
they kept calling me pro. lolz. i was pretty good today. a bit tyko, but i was so awesome against the queenstown sec 4/5's. why do i always play my best against the ones that don't matter.
hope they join the team. yepyep.
it was almost as tough as regular training today! wahhh. my legs actually ache! (maybe cuz we played for almost 4 hours...LOL.)
um. mcdonald's gave me a stomach ache. iwas so hungry i ate two mcspicys, an ice milo and fries.
pain*
im still feeling quite hurt, very dark desirious and powerful, and the will to do something stupid increases greatly over a range of values.
i hate school. hate it all. hate. hate.
kill. death. and such.
god.
i don;t wanna turn to god no more.
it's so hopeless.
sheesh.
if you knew what i was going through.
you wouldn't think i was exaggerating.
..why?
.Sunday, May 13, 2007 ' 8:34 PM Y
=x
Mood: Whew.
Sleep is goooood.
As in seriously. you wake up the next morning from immense anger and hurt in your heart and you feel perfectly all right.
I know that's not going to work forever...
ahhhhhhhh well. im feeling a little better.
sort of.
i dunno..i don't feel like getting attached anymore, so..
there are three ways for me to relieve anger and hurt.
1. Drink, a lot, a lot of soft drinks. Maybe in future it'll be alcohol.
2. eat. a lot. of the same thing.
3. sleep. cry. talk to someone. all at once.
okay 4.
4. doing some incredibly reckless and stupid things.
praying really..takes a much longer time than it should...
did solution 4.
sometimes it takes more than one solution.
sleep.
is :)
whee.
blood. and nightmares yesterday.
i really have far too much free time.
and solution no,1 is not helping my basketball.
ah well. im a naturally addictive person. everyone knows by now.
im becoming kinda bored..
talking to myself..
it's not my fault i don wanna be alone more than anything else in this world.
on the bright side.
i actually look good now. :)
well, a lot better than up to 4 years ago.
ahhhhhhhh.
life is perking up on everything except my non existent gf.
and maybe my studies.
so im grateful for now la. yepyep. ;)
im still a little resentful at god, but i think i'll get over that.
especially since now im getting the chance to help people worse off.
tom. waik.
jamiejamie.
and the others.
don't worry bt me yet k? :)
not yet.
..I still have a job to do..it's all..
in the mind.
.Thursday, May 10, 2007 ' 7:57 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..frustrated..
i guess being alone doesn't take the cake.
if what i have with her..
is not meant to be. sigh. forget it.
my nose bleeds. again. and again.
it's the third day in a row, and during basketball today it was horrible. my hands were covered in blood. had to wipe them off on my shirt, making my shirt covered in blood.
worst blood nose ever.
errgh.
ahh...gonna edit this post later.
grr.
Ookay.
so there's supposed to be a few things to be happy about.
like end of exams. and the fact that now people are not going to pick on me cuz i actually look like a basketball player now. with the hair and without big glasses and everything. yeah.
i guess it's not enough.
oh and spiderman 3 was great. not quite like the tv series, but great.
sigh.
but right now i'd just prefer to feel stupid.
Luke Ho is such an idiotic obsessive sap.
god, why'd i do that? ...
again. and again.
history repeats itself.
no more.
no more, Luke Ho.
the change is going to be complete soon.
no more love for me.
. ' 3:26 PM Y
=x
Mood: Ookay...
think by now tom shld have reached home.
wonder what he's doing? LOL. of cuz i know what he's doing. AHAHAHAHA.
anyway.
mm.
today exams was pretty stressfull..not gonna comment on it, just glad that it's pretty much over!
got lots of things to do..
so after exams said gdbye to mr peng and ms sheryl ang..
quite funny la..got photos..pizza and stuff...
wee sang ..i did a bit of bball stunts..think it was kinda embarassing to keep messing up but ah well. :)
i really don't mind as long as im okay.
mm. not been obsessing so much lately. so i think that's a good sign..more or less.
miao ling's nice to talk to i guess..pity i don't talk to her much.
ahhhhh.
then went to yy's aunty the salon..
tom complained after it was over that his hair sucked, but for me ,i think mine looks pretty good. :) yep. i mean, cuz my regular cuts are really like..all short and bald and not nice. yeah.
lolz. show everyone at sch tomorrow. it's not great, but it's so much better than my previous barber. yepyep.
sat got church and stuff.. and tomorrow going bball and movie after sch..
and after tuition today maybe might be able to go bball...hope mum calls soon la.
then met jamiejamie at clementi..i dropped off at my house..
and then now im blogging.
mm. so im bored. hahas.
realy wonder what tom is doing.
someone remind me to pass him kh2 later..but i think i'll forget! AHAHAHAHA.
..i jsut feel like laughing sadistically more often for some reason.
not that it's funny. just makes me feel better.
bored. and my mind is really distant..
if i think about her, i feel like i'll lose her.
if i don't think about her, i'll feel plain..like. ..i dunno.
...i don't know.
confused again!
bleah.
later. ;)
.Wednesday, May 09, 2007 ' 2:59 PM Y
=x
Mood:
Im not sure how to describe pissed off even more crudely, so i won't put a mood.
...
curse?
nah.
i can't.
today 'my good friend' fanny choy asked me not to go to the movie spiderman 3.
i thought she was referring to something else..genius luke.
i mean okay la, bad enough that i was originally involved in this and she and the 'whole gang' had nothing to do with it...
then you got the cheek to ask me not to go cuz wee is going.
probably everyone else who hates me now is going too.
maybe people have noticed the change. maybe they haven't. maybe they can accept me for who i am now.
maybe they can't.
if you look into my heart...
is it still as dark and tarnished? frozen and cold hearted, drawn away and immune to the pain of this world?
or is it burning with a new desire to become the light it was meant to be?
is everyone else happy with being pissed off with me?
i know, alright? believe me, i know.
i doubt most people by this point of time still believe i have a heart..
so affter i made fanny pissed with me...
well fanny's emo. she'll probably be really unhappy or plain pissed off.
it's easy to get to her. what on earth is she going to do in future?
ah well. that's not my problem anymore..
everyone is so convinced that im cold hearted from the wee incident..
jsut because i refuse to apologise to him..
then the whole thing took it's toll..made me change..
so now i've even more worse off then i was b4. so where were all my friends during this time of need?
new town. tsk.
...as for my feelings for that girl.
well. initial conclusions tell me to give up.
my heart says no.
i know that anyone who doesn't like me will tag this blog saying something really nasty. i can't blame them.
but that's absolved by my past.
wee told me not to name ppl on my blog.
but i will anyway.
px. justin. jerome. nick. fanny. wee.
i know all of you lost faith in me.
even the girls..joan, wanting, grace..
they might think differently of me now, but i wouldn't know.
even closer friends, like jj..im sure ding hao has noticed also..
if you all really want me back. then don't cast me aside.
and if you all can't be bothered, okay.
and if you all are just pissed off, just be pissed off.
i think, i've lost her.
let's be honest here.
when clarissa..well. the whole thing. i really lost all faith in love.
not that i gave two cents about her anymore. it's just love, in general, is still temporal.
i lost it. i lost what keeps me alive, what i believed in the second-most, a whole chunk of my personality, my heart just disappeared after that incident.
so.
someone might think it's funny. that now im like madeline last time.
even madeline has true friends.
last year.
reaching out to her..
makes me wish that..someone like me, would do the same for me this year..
because no matter how bitchy madeline acted in the past, that's almost all gone now.
and i know a lot of people were hurt my her actions. including myself.
i know, my continually real friends who have never given up on me..tom, waikeat, and the many more from church, hpps...
but in my own secondary school, do i have any more true friends left?
lol. i always have gd fren yy i guess. i think it's fair to say that she's the only one who's not lost hope on me.
i was distanced from all my ex-best friends in new town, after all.
the quitting of the basketball team. clarissa. then i lost wee. then i lost everyone else.
..is this how it ends?
my thoughts just seem to pour out..i don't know what im writing.
but i think i've said so before.
the girl that i really like now..well. im losing her also.
i know it, she knows it. i can see it through her eyes, her half smile.
i hate myself for it.
out of everything. it's the only thing that matters most.
..im torn.
I guess one can't really say..
It doesn't matter.
.Tuesday, May 08, 2007 ' 7:28 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...confused.
..the very mature one...(LOL)
asked who i took seriously..
and i stopped thinking about it already..
but i can't help but ask myself..
whether im just deluding myself in obsession..
in hurt.
in pain.
the after effect of the torrential events of my life..
im really upset with this certain girl. well. not so much upset as disappointed.
it's nott even either of the SM's, who seem to dislike every bit as much anyway,..
the whole shimin hendrick thing...i mean, how on earth did i ever get involved in the first place?
so if i believed a lie then obviously it must be my fault la!
that every damn thing has to be my fault la.
for you to be happy?
this thing. that thing. even that guy.
and the whole thing with wee.
i mean, must i be wrong for her to be happy with my attitude?!
im just really disappointed. so much for friendship. but then again lately more often that not my old friends turn out to be like that, or change to be like that.
that girl..
is nice but gullible.
so gullible.
believe all her lies. i don't care. im disappointed and hurt by you already.
because if you think i broke up shimin and hendrick, that's your problem.
i don't even know the kid, let alone care about him.
he lied to me, she lied to me. it doesn't matter.
but do not put this on me. do not. put this on me. i've had enough things put on me already.
practically, they broke each other up.
he lied to me so he could find reason to break up with her.
she? she's been lying to me the whole time anyway, and she sure doesn't know what love is, so why get into a relationship?
god. don't waste my time.
it doesn't matter.
hope jamie's okay. she sounds really tired and stuff.
as for everyone who's mugging for exams...
3 days to go!
lets end this.
ah well.
a lot of peeps, apart from me, have also fallen sick during exam period...please pray for them, i will too. lolz.
ahhhhhhhhhh.
physically sick.
and emotionally heart-torn.
mushy again.
mm.
shuk yee told me i'd get heart broken.
i don't know..
but it sure seems that way, doesn't it?
i don't wanna know.
i don't wanna care.
please don't break my heart if i give it to you.
just don't.
i barely have any of it left...is this fated in my destiny?
.Monday, May 07, 2007 ' 8:44 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..
sneez.
crap..the morning was terrible..
physics was horrible, and that's just the paper..
hadn't fully awakened...
and couldn't stop my runny nose. felt my head burn up this morning.
i had a 4 hour nap and now im okay. this does kill precious study time.
like im doing now.
tsk. :(
later.
ShadowFighterX
*yy, im NOT obsessed!
.Sunday, May 06, 2007 ' 5:11 PM Y
=x
Mood: Wahh.
short post. tomorrow's physics!
Tiao Bo always makes me quite sad. it's so mushy and such but so beautiful. jahahas.
let's see.
it's like 5.13 on a sunday..
supposed to be studying but im not . taking a permanent break.
..mm.
went to the library anyway. by myself.
dad also went to do some other things.
tried calling tom, yy, waik to go but all cannot. bleah.
studied for abt 1h45, really got too bored...
covered all the physics topics at least..
sigh...
:( wish i got to study with someone.
ah well,worse come to worse im just studying at home by myself.
radio channels played good songs today, for some reason. usually they don't. at least, in my opinion.
they shld play tiao bo on 93.3~
so tired..a little bored...
sigh. and i missed open sunday today.
by the end of this week i'll really be glad exams are over.
basketballbasketball..
then it's time to pit myself against the bes.t.
and after i've beaten singapore's best players at least once one on one, i can go into semi retirement.
lol.
becuz at this rate im not enjoying the game as much as i want to.
too many grudge matches and all. and i don't wanna prove myself any more than i have to.
i know im good, i know i could be the best if i was more dedicated, but im not.
i just can't sacrifice that much. and the players deserve to be better than me if they can sacrifice more than i can.
which is sad but true.
still.
im thinking.
i don't want to think about her anymore.
..it's not going to do me any good.
sigh..
*any one know what to study for lit.?
.Saturday, May 05, 2007 ' 6:11 PM Y
=x
Mood: Sleepy.
I just realized..
that I'm paranoid about being beaten by someone in something which im supposed to be great at, and spend a lot a lot of time brooding abt it until i realize im better than that person in something else and cheerr up.
but seriously, big waste of time.
i should really start being less mushy.
in fact, i sure don't feel mushy now. or like. anything.
yesterday i must have been high or something..
omgoshwhathaveidone.
okay anyway..
subhas, maybe u'd like to tell me why the sudden..um. thingythingything in private, or you could always post something really mean on my tagboard.
sort of depends.
for anyone who linked me, thanks, because i've stopped putting nasty posts on my blog since i've gotten less angry over the weeks..
but my links don't work. hahas.
as in, i can't link anymore people.
anyone who wants to volunteer to help me fix this problem?
:) haha.
almost lost my Shadow Infinity file today.
i almost freaked out. it is saturday, after all.
after the maid found it (in my stash of weapons for the lit. play, i forgot i was too lazy to put it in my bag that day) then i studied..
and studied..
and went on com..
and bathed.
and watched tv.
and ate.
and studied.
and went on com..
LOL.
still a bit high from yesterday la.
just sort of tired...
after the exams, i have to challenge leon and chao le..
oh, and i've decided to ask joshua to join my team.
as in my rival from pine grove.
not say join la. but maybe share his expertise.
plus, im sure he wants his stamina back. incidentally, so do i.
don worry timo, you'll still be my vice-cap. :)
hahas.
tom went to watch spiderman 3 today and buffet!
probably went with waik!
arrgh. i couldn't go..!
screw exams.
mm. probably go with a bunch of peeps after exams la..
spiderman 3!
and potc 3 also.
and arcades. lan! and stuff like that! freedom!
next week. :(
and of cuz, basketball.
maybe i should drop by rv early and scare jun...
okay maybe not.
mm. not smitten. nope. no way. like only. crush.
im so not emo.
i think.
touche.
ah well.
it's my life.
don't mess with it.
;) later.
ShadowFighterX
My head. oww. what...was that?PS: Mass killer career! bonanza baby!okay nvm. inside thing..
.Friday, May 04, 2007 ' 7:08 PM Y
=x
Mood: Huh..
mm. let's see..
haven't updated in a couple of days..
wednesday not much to say.
thurs=day is a different story.
more people know. errgh.
taught qi hui the life partner 10 girls 5 fuys or 10 guys five girls game. she was so ecstatic bt it. how entertaining. lolz.
pretty interesting and fun..
got to socialize a bit, i guess.
which im really grateful for..
thanks wilson for the ss notes..
helped me quite a bit today..
gavin;s not a bad guy.
mm.
i guess socializing isn;t turning out as bad as i thought it would be.
clearly i have issues.
and yeah, i think i crossed the line yesterday.
as in. im taking it seriously..
i don't remember how to cope with emotions like this.
or know how to, at any rate.
im just so scared to screw up.;
really, i care for her a whole lot more than i should.
i sure don't show it..but...
i just want her to know, if she knows how i feel about her...
that i really want her to know that not every guy's going to hurt her the way they did..
because no one is going to care about her the way i do.
i hope i know what im doing.
un-known, i swear if u say anything..
anyway.
dreamt abt ying yun on wed! ahhhhh.
it was just a dream.
but so um. not. um. usual.
not usual.
unusual.
not a bad dream. but not an expected one.
wahh. she kept pestering me..
shld not have told her bt it. bleah. :)
today papers were okay la.
hope i do well.
please pray for me and exams and stuff.
cuz i'll be praying for you too!
played with waikeat..didn't exactly give 100% but he's getting better la. showed him a couple of moves which i hope he practices..
i don't think..
i can play subhas or waikeat the way i do weng siang or hong kai. especially hongkai.
or that day against mr ang..
or beiji...
or shawn and lewis..
or even benjamin.
there's just some sort of fire waiting to be ignited..
i've seen my best..it's more than i can imagine.
it's creeping into my soul.
corrupting me. the raw power in my body and mind.
especially the mind.
..unrealized possibility.
..subconscious.
HIJACK.
..where are these dreams coming from? is this something else i have to do...?
I better get off now. bleah. eat dinner..
Beauty and thorns...I won't hurt you. ever. god. i better not get more emo than i already am.
.Tuesday, May 01, 2007 ' 6:53 PM Y
=x
Mood: Sleepy.
401 posts.
Time now is 6.43...
I've been asleep for almost 4 hours!
(and got to use the com almost immediately after that. anyone noticed? ha SUCKERS>)
..MM.
people shld be mugging by now..
but seriously, not me. im just not that type. can't stand it.
i mean if you think about it, theoratically by the end of next week everyone's troubles will be over.
first paper is math paper 1 and social studies...
they are testing like..sec 2 stuff? that's so crap.
studying with afina tomorrow after her extra lesson.
which gives me plenty of time to run from new town to avenue 2 and then run back..
training!
okay so i know a lot of people hate me, probably due to what i post on my blog...
and if i were to give a response, ppl will probably get even more pissed off..
i guess i don't wanna backstab. if i can't tell u i don't like you, i'll put it here.
and if i feel really bad about it, i'll also put it here.
i guess one of the disadvantages of writing is you can never truly hear tone of voice...
im not soo cruel.
tried talking to wee yesterday.
mm.
i wouldn't exactly call it 'went well' but better than 'not at all'? i don't know.
although i can pretty much guess...
tried explaining him the concept of...
but i guess it's okay if he doesn't believe me..not a lot of people do what i do...
so it's okay.
yeah.
just keep telling yourself that, Luke.
yesterday night i had the worst dream...
or not a dream. can't tell.
but im really really hoping it's just a dream.
cuz it was so wrong, maybe?
bleah. the mind is so corrupt. although i guess a lot of guys don't quite admit that.
heck..
i need to practice a math paper.
and go to sleep.
again.
oh ya. family day had it's high and lows.
mum was pissed bt something. i wasn't too happy with her either.
but it seems that the small things seem to pile onto the big thing on her mind.
which nobody in this house has decided to tell me, so...
jeez.
ah well.
ss files!
touche.
dinner...
and back to studying.
later.
ShadowFighterX