.Monday, April 30, 2007 ' 8:02 PM Y
=x
Justification.
okay again, when was the last time...
ah screw it.
mm.
let's see..
on wednesday im going to attempt to study.
seriously.
i mena it's not as if i haven;'tt been studying already just..
there are things on my mind, you know? unnaturally, it's not abt suicide or stuff like that..more like.
how im going to make the best of what time I have left.
pushing everyone aside for the last few months..
was like the lesser of two evils thing.
i think.
it's time to get my head back on.
...phew..
today something really ticked me off..
i lent my bball to justin..
then he lent it to subhas..
and it ended up in the field.
now you and i know that even justin is not that stupuid to get it in the field.
which means someone kicked it there.
i clobbered the table, ms willian counselled me and i soaked my head for almost ten minutes before i could cool off.
i need to get back in the game.
need to know, what the hell's been going on while my life's been stagnant.
im lucky to have a few friends at all, after all that's happened.
my first step is going to be concentrating on going back to what i was.
since now i got the Xydler situation under control..as well as my issues.
god, where have i been?
so let's take back what's ours.and start from the beginning.someone could have told you a long time ago.it's not about right or wrong.I think they already told you.Luke Ho.So what's the plan?
I'm coming back.
And this time.
I can't afford not to come back.
Because if not, I'll lose everyone I love...
both in this world.
and another one.
ShadowFighterXand that's not happening.
.Saturday, April 28, 2007 ' 10:51 PM Y
=x
Mood: Okay.
Found my motivational gift and am feeling a lot better.
the only catch is it involves me doing something i never expected.
my life is coming back together..the pieces are falling back in place..
can i really go back to the happiness it once was?
a life without junice is misery.
but i already chose to move on, so if I go back to it..
somehow i always knew,that eventually i would have to choose between my true side and my dark side.
and the truth is I just want my life back.
I don't need a girlfriend to be happy.
I just want, whatever it takes..to be happy.
if it doesn't involve being the best at something..
or being unattached..
but for the moment..
i just want to be happy.
if being what I was before ws so hard.
then being what I am now is harder.
so let's go back to it.
just take a moment to go back to my past.
I have friends. I have a family.
Everything i need is right there.
I havea God who loves me and will never stop loving me.
just take a moment.
to go back to something good.
and smile.
ShadowFighterX
*should I do it? And the signs from HIJACK..what is going on?
.Friday, April 27, 2007 ' 3:25 PM Y
=x
Mood: im not thinking straight, so everything here is raw anger. and hurt. and hatred.
okay i really hate new town now, don't i?
i mean it's NOT as if im losing more and more friends..
jeez, i guess most of them are the type of ppl who'll ditch you when you're in need then.
pissed at fanny.
wee.
mrs ang.
clarissa.
people who just don't get it.
i'm changing. anyone here actually thinks i want to become worse? but nooooo.
oh fine.
i shall be evil. succumb to it. might as well.
being a loner is not so different anyway.
i mean all anyone ever relates to me is basketball.
maybe i want to be the best now, but i didn't even want to play it at first.
i really hate basketball.
i really hate everything.
if anyone decides to give me a lecture.
well.
i mean, even subhas>?
new town changes everyone, i anticipated that, but god, why me?
is somebody never going to get off my back?
i just hate the world!
..which is probably a good thing.
this is the only time.
that i have doubts.
that if i died now.
would i go to heaven.
hatred.
and jealousy and inner pain.
makes me.
insecure.
and darker.
don't mess.
with my dark side.
all i want in school.
is a real friend.
not even a girlfriend. lolz.
a friend.
bleah.
where did i go wrong?
did i not do enough for these people? did i never touch them at one point of time?
is it my own goddamn fault im not going to apologize to wee, that everyone else shld condemn me?
think about it.
god.
.Wednesday, April 25, 2007 ' 9:34 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..
Sleepy. am i awake?
oh i studied for chinese!
please pray it'll go well!
let's see.
i think the only subject im confident bt is english..a2 shldn't be a prob..a1 a little harder..
but omgosh..the rest of the subjects..im like..
not keeping up, sucks or seriously speaking.
lit/ss
physics
chem
chinese
e math
a math
that's a lot. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. can't do it on my own.
okay so now im worried.
studystudystudy.
god, i need help.
can't do it though.
how did so many ppl know i like her? well, im really trying not to.
it's just a crush. i think.
it's the smile ,seriously*
later.
.Tuesday, April 24, 2007 ' 6:05 PM Y
=x
Mood: Pissed.
Okay fine.
So im supposed to be all ashamed now?
God, it's not as if im perfect, or you're perfect..
or think about your life, have u ever not backstabbed someone?
pretty simply put, ppl do it everyday.
okay so px called me an extra.
fine, so since im not wee's friend i've committed a personal crime against you.
god, im tired of trying to please everyone. which part of accept me for who i am do people simply not get? it's not as if i judge you for everything. which i could. i simply have talents for it.
at least kenny trie to be a little nice..
wee..well.
that truth or truth thing, i would have asked him bt clarissa..maybe bt his birthday..
ah what the hell. nobody cares.
jerome and justin and nick don know whether they tokin to me..
my best fren in this sch also somehow don know what's wif him..
FACT: i AM going to be the no.1 .
i just don't even know what's with me.
i mean, if you're not going to tell me, then...
ah hell..
it really hurts when you know who your true friends are..and who isn't..
mm.
think im falling for her smile. and falling bad. very bad.
touche.
mid years are only two days away.
..but im not backing down now.
*started writing again..maybe that'll make me feel better..
*come to think of it..mrs ang never really had time for me..i guess now that's shes got the girls and wee and all, i'd rather not exist...
*screwing up exams...let's face it, i'll never be at rest until i beat everyone im supposed to.
*it's just one on one.
just one on one.
.Monday, April 23, 2007 ' 6:46 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..sigh.
guilty.
well, obviously not bt ben.
that guy actually waited until 6 o clock! what a total MORON!
AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SWEET REVENGE BABY.
then something happened that i did not expect.
sigh.
bei ji was really mad at me. jsutin and jerome and nick, a bit disappointed in me. why? i told them.
then i realized, i didn't tell bei ji. he got in trouble with his parents. he ponned something for the match, and i didn;'t show up.
he must have been very insulted.
sigh..
he hit me. twice. i didn't even retort back. my legs were shivering.
why would i fight back? i was totally in the wrong.
so anyway..hope he's not pissed.
in class, i almost cried..think that i've been guilty of hurting my friends enough already..
wee once told me, 'this is not the way you do things, it's not how it works'
for me, i've always loved bending the rules of life..because i know i can, i'm brave enough, reckles enough, and more often than not i pull it off, or i pull through, with the help of my friends of cuz.
..but i guess sometimes..these things hurt people that i never realise. wee was a victim of my misactions. so now i've lost him?
everyone sang happy birthday for him..quite a great contrast to my birthday..ahahas..
wee will be wee..
and I will be me..
being the no.1 has given me a sense of power..that i wish i hadn't defined.
tom brought up some things yesterday..some things that left me thinking..that made me remember, that I have a duty, a untapped power that i have to use everyday.
that more people need me than i realise. no matter what happens, i know i have my friends and family. well more my friends, since they know exactly what it is..
i need to fall back on more than just that..
tomorrow, i got to get back in shape for basketball..no matter how depressed i was b4, it's all over..i don have an excuse to torture myself or make myself a lousy player..
im going to be singapore's no. 1.
*started writing again! english practice. ;)
*bei ji was really angry...god, i feel really bad..
ShadowFighterX
god, please forgive me.
.Saturday, April 21, 2007 ' 9:49 PM Y
=x
Mood: Fankly speaking, sad.
..mm.
so much work to do..
today went to church.
sat. the day we were looking forward to. not like we lasted that long.
been having these strange dreams lately..from my dengue fever to wee yelling in my head, 'quit means quit'..
..been suddenly thinking..
do i really matter to ppl as much as b4..?
i mean keith totally blasted me on his blog. like i blasted wee. but i lost both of them anyway. not say keith la. i don really take offense cuz i know he's like that and can think from his point of view. but like i always told wee, he will just never fully understand me.
for some reason or another i found myself at his performance..saw kat and clarissa and vicki and caroline there. as well as lots of friends which i haven't talked to as much lately.
..seeing clarissa there..
is like.
something else. im so full of anger and hurt..but that isn't it.
wee surprising did quite well. well, maybe not. just that i haven't exactly been keeping close tabs with him. tomorrow is his birthday. happy birthday, i suppose. guess im not going to tell him that personally. to me, i don think wee is the kind who'll get all arrogant if he knew i still cared about him. but something inside me still holds me back.
a darker side, a lonely side.
..seeing pearl today was not so different as i see her every week..random, cute sometimes sad and etc. somehow i felt as if somehow, through all of this, we've still gotten closer.
jeanette was trying to be as helpful as usual..
keith lost one on one. twice. then again, after that match with subhas, keith shlda have been chickenfeet anyway.
today in sermon when worshipping..i got a HUGE load of flashbacks..when i realized.
i attempted suicide like in pr6.
but i started losing my memories AFTER that.
...
and then the truth came back.
bottles and bottles of soft drink after depression.
and then the ttears came out.
and the healing can start.
.Thursday, April 19, 2007 ' 5:36 PM Y
=x
Mood: Well.
..
my knee.
immense pain soon follows after!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ow.
mm.
yay. no more one on ones!
wait. why i am relieved? mm.
anyway, just for those who are wondering, Im sort of. um. no longer attached.
for those who are ACTUALLY worried about me, I'm fine. to be honest, im really more worried bt her..
for those who want to know what happen, please mind your own business. well. actually it sort of depends who u are. but yeah. otherwise just bug off.
for those who..
um.
well.
forget it.
i think the 5566 song applies more than ever.
in case anyone at this point thinks im invincible, a flirt or emotionless, im not, alright?
just wanna make things clear.
so anyway.
couldn't sleep yesterday.
so i fell asleep in class instead. that madeline did not wake me up. i missed a lot of math. got so much work to do tonight. :(
sleepy, and rather smelly. havent bathed yet.
ying yun is being a gd fren. lolz.
and val also. and nick. and tom. oh fine. long list. but so far.
and waik and subhas and jamie.
so far that's pretty much it?
..lolz. not that i expect it.
but it's really nice of them. :)
mvp valentine is becoming sad. :(
tai zi's mum is taking him away from his sch! NOOOOOOOO.
this can't be!
ahhhh./
um.
alright fine.
whatever.
i'd rather not think bt anything right now..
i still have a one on one on sat..and things to settle bball wise anyway.
and exams. don forget exams.
touche.
ShadowFighterX
you are who you are.
.Tuesday, April 17, 2007 ' 7:26 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...
To Subhas
From yours truly.
Asking for that one on one was not to mock anyone. Moreover, it was to prove my mental state of mind is no longer ready for things like official competitions. the pressure, the downsides, just aren;'t worth it. and by the match today, I think I pretty much proved I haven't lost my skill. just my stamina. among other things.
truth is, are you happy?
you asked me today, and told me a whole bunch of things to go with it.
I've always encouraged your basketball, you skill, your physique, is so much better than I have or ever will have eventually.
but what u told me today.
makes sense to you, doesn;'t it?
..anyway. ..
another time.
Luke.
Went to Woodlands yesterday, I swear rach is going to kill me./
which is why im so grateful for the fact she hasn't found out yet.
spent the day with pearl, playing bball and such.
mm. really miss her.
she's very torn up right now..moreover, I know just how painful that is.
I'd rather she not hurt herself..rather, that she settles what she needs to in her heart...
even if she doesnt choose me.
does she know it won't hurt?
does she know that seeing her smile, or hearing her voice when she's happy is more than enough already?
I don't know. ..if she chooses him, it's not as if she'll get him, and she knows it.
..i hate to see her miserable..
haiz.
what to do?
...
..on to other things i guess. not much i can do now.
met jan on the mrt station yesterday. had a meaningful talk, which im quite grateful for.*
(jan is my previous cg leader)
she was heading to westmall..explained a lot of things to me.
mm. lolz. she found it quite suay for me, since she got a chance to corner me. ahahs.
keith is not realy happy with me right now.
i tot he'd be supportive, since he asked me to go for it..
but he still..
i don't know. haiz.
im not insecure. im not. seriously.
just lots and lots of homwork and an especially hard test tomorrow. no big deal.
i tell you, i am getting infuriated.
please pray, everyone!
prayer is strong. :)
anywa congrats to tom on his whatever. hope monday went well.
..oh ya, what the HECK am i going to do abt friday without tom?!
still haven't discused!
...
ah.
crap.
Well, life goes on.
I'm happier while it lasts.
.Monday, April 16, 2007 ' 7:56 PM Y
=x
Mood: UM..
Okay now blogging has just gotten slightly harder.
the most i can say is i hope she's happy. with whatever she decides.
Ms ang handed me the axe today. Guess that sms was really irrelevant.
still, i guess she gets the message.
because if things continue this way, my dark side will just burst out.
I just know it.
mm..
spent some time with pearl today..
sat seems so far away.
bball and stuff. met some of her friends also.
:) stuff to smile about,I guess.
are my marks seriously dropping?!
ah crap.
seriously, I can no longer keep up with ms ang's lessons. whoever can is genius. my class ppl are just too pro at math.
as for science, let's SERIOUSLY not talk about it.
which reminds me I forgot to collect the worksheet today!
oh CRAP.
physics hw and stuff.
and more!
ah well. at least finished all the chinese..
and still got tests tomorrow..
and the day after that.
挑拨-5566
你看起来不太开心
谁困扰了你
让你的眼神看来有些悲哀
有多严重 ,你和他之间
到了不可收拾的局面了吗
我看起来也不太好 我当然知道
因为你的表情让我很心疼
你不了解
我和你之间
只是爱上了不爱我
却又在乎(他)的人
应该挑拨你和他
我想这是最好的时机
只是当你哭着说你还爱他
不忍离开他
我竟努力扮演你和他之间的和事佬
应该劝你离开他
可是我怎么也做不到
因为当你笑着说
我最好了 , 是你知心朋友
..想做你的情人..
lolz. very old.
but means something to me, somehow.
haiz.
guys should not be depressed.
studyingis important now.
I guess ShadowFighterX.
has to wait.
later.
.Sunday, April 15, 2007 ' 10:12 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...
today morning was incredibly great.
why?
cuz i couldn't sleep.
at all.
oh god, the feeling was just so amazing.
i love her, so much.
mm.
as usual.
stuff gets in the way.
how on earth is a guy supposed to be secure?
as in, he can give his girlfriend a sense of security.
so why can't I?
why on earth does all that crap just have to happen?
hopefully that crazy friend of shimin's who is probably as crazy as she is, does not try threatening me anymore.
sheesh.
or ppl trying to talk me out of it.
or my parents and siblings getting in the way of my phone calls.
do not disturb the phone.
she and i can't see each other enough as it is.
grr.
does it seem so empty.
when everyone gets in the way?
when it seems so good to be true?
..i don't want to be insecure anymore.
..i want to be strong, for you.
i don't want to lose you.
..so.
im not going to let anymore people or things get in the way.
..never.
i love you.
.Saturday, April 14, 2007 ' 11:29 PM Y
=x
Mood: Happy. :)
the date today is 14/4/06
and im officially attached!
WHOO HOO
LIFE AND FREEDOM AND LOVE BECKONS, BABY!
happines all around!
and life is beautiful.
leave u guys with a cliffhanger.
later!
.Wednesday, April 11, 2007 ' 8:44 PM Y
=x
Mood: Blessed?
MM..
Argh. physics test tomorrow. didn't feel like studying much.
went tom's house to study. did my usual thing, wait for someone to help me open the door and then break into his apartment. no sweat man.
lessons were boring, so i won't elaborate except for lit. cuz i was really fascinated by ms huang's knowledge of philosophy and her definitions. not that i'll ever tell her that, of cuz.
oh and i think i screwe up a lot of tests this week.
so my mid years are soooo close!!
must start mugging, but frankly speaking, i don't think i can do it.
god, help me.
so anyway, why im feeling blessed.
ben almost backed out. of cuz, if he had i would have considered my victory and probably hit him or something. or just the bowing down in forgiveness thing will do.
i was so pissed i could barely concentrate.
in fact, i think i snubbed the girls today! ahhhhhhhh. hope they don't think im all mean and stuff.
madeline was very fascinated by my story of mr bean's holiday.
to be honest, i think i really don't mind sitting with her now. i mean she has lots of mood swings, but so do i? she'll still human, so i finally (finally) accept her for who she is.
hope she doesn;t find out.
guo yi is okay now. :) i think.
ying yun called me today to talk a little..random stuff, as usual.
Tomorrow i guess i'll be studying physics while watching her play piano.
mm.
then at tom's place i studied a while and finished all my work cuz tom and jamie were watching heroes and decided to deprive me. :( mean friends. lolz.
mm.
then after a lot of argueing and childish stuff, went down for bball..
i probably owned them both at bball.
and..
mm.
became all sentimental and stuff.
i was looking out at the pool, and i could see memories reflected in the pool.
great times. happy times.
im getting my memory back, piece by piece, slowly..
and i thought about my anger with ben, and how his players couldn't make it.
when i realized something.
im so blessed.
i mean i am the suayest guy when it comes to a bgr thing, but...
I have a family who loves me a lot..
and friends who're willing to do so much for me. who care for me, who know my needs, who try to sympathize even when they know they can't.
they're there for me..
adrian moved out yesterday. im really going to miss him. cried a little. ..:(
but it's him, tom, waik, subhas, pam, pearly, ida, nat..
etc.
etc.
etc.
oh god, i have so many true friends.
and i'm really grateful.
what saddens me the most.
is that this has never been the kind of companionship i desire for the most.
what i really regret about falling in love..is that im never able to appreciate anything else...that doesn't feel as good as being in love..
as being loved in that way.
..but these guys love me.
and i love them, so, so much.
thank you all so much. :)
so i was all mushied up looking at how beautiful it is at night. it really is. i think people who keep themselves studying or at lan parties at night can never appreciate how beautiful it is.
....when jamie decided to pour extremely cold water down my back.
that's friendship. lolz.
later.
Luke Ho
(my physics test tomorrow is SCREWED!)
pray for me kays? ahahas.
i'll be praying for you. :)
Single and available! ;)
.Tuesday, April 10, 2007 ' 6:28 PM Y
=x
Mood: TIred.
Feeling exceptionally tired today..
not only do i find it hard to keep up with my work..but im emotionally stressed with all the permanent injury and career ending thing. i think.
and the match,of cuz.
he has no right to insult my friends.
wish jerome had a bit more faith in me and my friends...but at least i know he's a true one.
im not backing down now, but we're going to need training..when is there ever going to be time for that? plus, i got physics test and chem test over the weeks..
and mid year in three weeks..
and oral exam next monday...
it's hard not to continue my present lifestyle.
hence forth i make a covenan with god to study much harder after my match.
hopefully i can do it.
so anyway..
today was generally okay..played bball and stuff..math is getting harder of cuz, but at least i can survive in classes...
stressed over no reason..the nightmares stop but reality comes back to me at the moment where i have only began to recover..
my friends are disappearing.
or they are becoming more stressed themselves somehow.
somehow.
lately i think I care for someone more than i should. then again, it might be nothing. in fact, more often than not, it's nothing.
im pretty sure.
lolz, madeline and i were gossiping about qi hui..well. sort of. more like she was the one doing all the talking and i was just pretending to listen intently.
i think i've reached some sort of understanding with elf and jie wei so im quite satisfied. :)
jie wei couldn't stop laughing..
wonder why?
i think estellla is influential.
hope guo yi's feeling better. she looked very disturbed and such today.
some guys are truly assholes. they never know how to treat a girl right.
What kind of guy calls his girlfriend a bitch?nevermind. i shall have my revenge.
this is obviously not related to anything, but for those of you who know.
well.
we'll see.
don't judge me anymore.
because when im asleep, another part of me might burst out.
and find you.
SFX
.Monday, April 09, 2007 ' 8:54 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..
Stupid MATH!
I HATE IT. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
dunno why.
i think it';s becuz i can't keep up with ms ang. hopeless la. might as well go for ltp. and my test sucked. i hate it all.
my studies are officially dropping.
although bball wise is a diff. story of cuz.
i decided to consider how it would be like to beat all the greatest players in singapore WITH A HANDICAP rather than not, and im pretty sure the feeling would be greater than without the handicap. i think.
so im not giving up. thanks tom, waik and jamie. :)
and subhas of cuz.
im going to ownage on friday. ;)
next friday, that is.
postponed..
so anyway.
when did i start running out of time?
my work is lagging.
especially science and math..
i just got no time..
sch is stress..
sleep.
tomorrow must be disciplined. lolz. do work all day or something.
my mood eased already, so im not totally mad at ben anymore.
just banned him off my bball. no big deal.
practicing new bball moves tomorrow..
i think? maybe i shld really start working harder...
studying is taking me forever..
it's time, for my dark side to just hide in the shadows of my past.
think i'll respond to the tags here cuz i don wanna flood my own tag board.
jamie: GO LUKE! ;D
thanks jamie. really means something to me. :)
Nch: Look Tom its the kids at play..=/..And ben.i tink im gonna play fer luke if he has a place for me.=D.u did real bad.u din tell me iwas supposed to tell u.
lolz. thanks nick. ahahas. but the match is on friday already..you can't make it! ahhhhhhhh.....
subhas to caroline: haha.ok.anyways, who are u ah?the one always with mrs ang one ah?i like heard ur name but never see u like that leh...haha....WHO ARE U?....ni dao di shi sui?
: yeah she's the one always with mrs ang. she and three other girls.
subhas to luke: im free to play for both teams.come and get me.while stocks last.=)
: idiot. lolz! anyway, the match is postponed to next friday okay? i think at sp is better. yeah..
later.
.Sunday, April 08, 2007 ' 8:06 PM Y
=x
Mood: sleepy.
thinks*.
Today was my baptism.
yesterday was the worst day on earth. at first, i thought that the other day was the worst day on earth, but i was wrong.
but somehow im still here. and i didn't do something stupid like jump off somewhere or hurt myself.
of cuz, im pretty sure i was mean to a lot of peeps./
mm. but i guess it's too late to take it back now, cuz i probably meant it if i said it.
which hurts.
anyway.
im so glad so many ppl came to my baptism. :)
and that my grand ma gave me ten bucks. LOL!
im surprised she came actually, all the way to woodlands! im really grateful.
and then waikeat and nick came..
tom would have come, but he really couldn;t..but im grateful for his blessings..
yeo and subhas tried to come, but they would have jsut missed it, so i told them it's okay..im really grateful they tried to come in the first place...
so im really grateful for today...
cept for a couple of things..
cuz got my EX-vice cap who im playing against on friday...
Don't wanna thrash him by too much...im playing against my friends also anyway.
wink*
so hopefully i can get the team i originally wanted to assemble..
change in plans..not getting both brother and boss..
instead, i want timotheus..
and tom, waik, me and boss or brother..
see how..
mm.
and im learning allen iverson's killer crossover!
as well as some new offensive tactics..
but the bad news is that i can't do any of that until my leg heals..
think it's another permanent injury..?
i think..
that i can't ever keep beating the people i beat last time without my permanent injury..
i only realized that today, and it makes me quite sad...
i can't ever keep up with subhas or weng xiang in terms of atheletism..
or stamina or speed..?
forever?
...so what's the point of trying?
a bit downcast.
..i jsut got baptized.
great. depressed again.
...just great.
SFX
school tomorrow.
one thing or another.
everything gets in the way.
.Saturday, April 07, 2007 ' 9:18 AM Y
=x
mood: ...
if there is one word to describe me now..
yesterday was just so fucked up. or today very very early morning. who knows..?
i mean, I obviously thought about my accomplishments, and was pretty happy.
Smart and incredibly great bball player. lolz.
but i guess i never realized how fast i was losing friends.
wee, then all the backstabbers around me...
After friday's match, the team will be no more, huh?
If someone, anyone thought I didn't treat him fairly, it would be because i was being a coach rather than a captain.
and maybe im not a great leader, but im working on it. no one's perfect.
of course, this is not for benjamin.
this is more for jerome or justin, or anyone else. or nick even. i dunno.
..and even wee.
I just wanted you all to know I'm sorry.
Anyway, not as if..
mm. just could not get any sleep yesterday till almost 2 am..
except something weird happened that...don't know what exactly happened...
did something stupid. traiditionally, I do somethingg stupid when I'm more torn up than usual. and when I wake up the next morning, I realize the night before I was hyponotized by some unknown entity.
So I put away all the lies and hurt and everything that I had been using to cover up my pathetic life, and sent a really stupid sms to the girl who it matters most to.
And then, to top it all off, I called her.
Genius, Luke.
but the truth is, it wasn't even weird.
It wasn't painful, it wasn't anything it was meant to be for me.
And when I heard her voice, like the very first time I ever did, everything just fell in place.
Maybe she and I were never really on great terms in the past.
But I know she cares now.
So maybe it's awkward that I love her.
But I do.
My handphone drops to the side of my bed.
And I'm sleeping like a baby.
. ' 12:19 AM Y
=x
Mood: OOh, what a S.O.B
im sure i shouldn't swear so late into the date soooo close to my baptism but i just couldn't resist. sorry god.
..that ************************************* backstabber...
na bei.
i just figured out who exactly my true friends are>.?
mm.
I figure that in the last few months, my personality has tweaked by quite a bit.,.
become more of a whiny bitch and less and less of an all-round nice guy.
which is not great.
...ah nobody cares about that m*****f***** anyway.
If I'm not ALREADY the best in singapore one-on-one wise,
I'm going to be.
match on friday.
I haven't called the guys yet, cuz it's freakin 12.21am in the morning, so...
..me vs him..?
...hate to admit about some of the things subhas said..
im glad that he cleared with me the misunderstanding about that day..
guess he's not a hypocrite after all...shld not have doubted him...
..but there were just some things I wish i hadn't heard..
in the end, who am I going to fall back on?
I have God. That part, Subhas didn't mention.
but well.
It's something to think about.
Maybe i do too much thinking...
i mean i already have no girlfriend, and if i join the school team i should have a LITTLE bit of time...
although my studies would probably just fall apart..
but the match is first.
Actually, im feeling happy.
cuz im thinking about all my accomplishments.
and i know that despite how crappy i can feel, i've done worthwhile things, you know?
Cuz in all fairness, I've beaten Subhas.
Hong Kai.
Weng Xiang.
Joshua.
Hiro.
Jun Jie
The R.I Ace
The P Ace
The All-Star from the woodlands area
...etc.
God, winning is everything to me since I've felt like I've had nothing left...
But in the end, it's not, is it?
In two days...no, tomorrow.
im getting baptized.
Friday's service, I cried. I don't know why.
Maybe, finally, I can feel like something's worthwhile.
Without any of the girls that i've been romantically involved with?
Or with people who backstab me in the back?
Or the pain and darkness inside me..
I'm coming back.
I'm coming back.
And I'm going to be No.1 in Singapore!
(un officially and only one-on-one wise)
ahahas.
yeah well. :( lolz.
ShadowFighterX
.Friday, April 06, 2007 ' 12:25 AM Y
=x
Mood: ..huh...
blogging again since i clearly have nothing better to do with my time.
12.25 am ONLY.
girls are complicated.
i feel as if i've said this line many many times. but im sure girls don't like being reminded.
that would be plain mean./
tomorrow got gd friday service..
some ppl really have to relax..
joey's playing resident evil 4..which is so much better than outbreak, cuz not only was it one player but it SUCKED.
and i have been ever so helpful with my expertise, of cuz. :)
had dreams like. 6 days in a row.
that's wrong, that's just so wrong. each dream is emblazoned in my mind the moment i am reminded of it...
this time, it was pretty...well. not pretty. a rape, some sort of temple like thing where some guy with knives tries to stab me and i react instinctively. at least, i don't feel totally useless..
it's interesting, because having the fear under these conditions is actually a simulation by one's own mind..something i was generally in control of...until now.
..would have told you, but i feel not only darker and a lot more moody lately...
but also that ..
well screw the devil, for one thing. and all hell.
it's just a step along the way.
im going to be devout. so there.
which is why i feel so much darker?
...huh.
being lonely has it's toll.
being blur is innocence.
so i would have said that i loved you, but i said it already.
and that i really never gave up on getting over her, but...
maybe you were right.
huh. i'll never know what exactly love is.
but i know it well enough that it isn't love in your case.
The rose, with it's beauty and thorns..
...seems a lot like you.
im okay with giving up, i suppose. im used to it.
the last thing is that...
is this how we say goodbye?Darkness overwhelming...
Confidence=Love=Intimacy
well, close enough.
thanks j.
later.
.Thursday, April 05, 2007 ' 8:46 PM Y
=x
Mood: Okay la..
Today subhas and i played one on one..
neither of us at 100%...but stil i won..lolz..
both givin chance la..till our injuries heall...
but at least i know im not deproving or anything..
thats satifying somehow..
feeling so sleepy..
i injured my other ankle..how to walk?! lolz.
gd thing it's not as bad as the left one...]
haiz..
still wanna get attached...
maybe it's a super wrong desire..but..
haiz...
thinking what to do..
sleepy.
maybe i'll strain my mind later...
oh ya. today had the rehearsal. at first i tot it would be a total waste of time.
but then thanks to afina, atherai (sp?), nawsheen (even worse sp), sakthi and ellice, life was entertaining.
yay.
afina is really nice.
i shld talk to her more often. ahahas. found out some interesting facts about the ppl above. they're all really nice la. pity don get much chance to talk to them.
ah well.
later.
ShadowFighterX
.Wednesday, April 04, 2007 ' 9:56 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..ookay..
so according to unknown sources,
clarissa likes some guy who's my senior.
like i told brother.
UPPER sec.
what the heck.
mm.
i think i finally found out what kind of person my new personality is...
and while it's not exactly good, it's..um.
a bit interesting. so much more interesting than the typical Luke Ho..
...so we'll see how it goes..
not going to be too popular..
but i may get my social life back sooner rather than later..
dreams again.
this time of clarissa in some japanese place. or chinese. i think yesterday;'s subconscious was quite obvious, abt clarissa, that scary chinese place that we had to go on our yesterday, and other random stuff like trevor smacking girls butts?
okay.
that stupid horny guy at the bball court.
nice guy. but seriously?
i mean ___ is hot but she does NOT have big ____.
sick pervert!
and of one person which was totally unexpected..
i tried calling her today..but she was busy..
maybe if i knew her a little better, i could get to the bottom of my subconscious...
mm...
tired..
social studies and english test today...
math test tomorrow..
sleepy.
pray for me k?
and my mei la. she's got probs.
angst rules all.
pwnzord.
and evil.
the darkness
is my friend.Bloodlust Phantom.For every good there is a bad, a balance to an imbalance, a measure to a counter-measure.A hero to a villian.A bright side to a dark one.Opposites attract.And I'm coming back into the light...
.Tuesday, April 03, 2007 ' 9:00 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...
So obviously.
I have intimacy issues.I mean there's something so, so positvely alluring about being so close to a girl that you really care about...
That you can smell her breath, hear her sweet voice in such close proximity you can taste it..
Clarissa is crazy about someone right now...
Somehow the very thought of that is simply amusing...
Revenge is sweet when you didn't do it. :)
oh that's just plain mean.
after all, i was only attacked by dozens and dozens of crazy devils in my head.
and my heart felt so empty like i was thrown into a dark bottomless pit filled with the fires of hell.
or that could just have been another dream..
these dreams are seriously getting to me.
ah what the heck.
im not that mean. sorry clarissa.
but she won't read this anyway.
mm.
life has to move on...
dunno what was wrong with shimin today..
stuff about quarrels? i dunno.
it's not as if i'm involved in her life anymore.
or anyone else's in school for the matter.
people find it hard to move on after relationships..
me, im not even in one.
irony. pure stupidity.
5 days to go.
i hate being taken in my weaknesses...
just so empty and lost.
but these few days.
can help other ppl..
better them than me...
then again.
that was me before.
maybe i'll be happier..
jun was talkin bt pri sch...
mm.
chop off both legs.
Thanks Guoyi for helping me with math! Im glad we got to talk awhile. ahahas.
brother and sean have suddenlyy become gd frens..lolz..amusing...
i think that's my fault...ahhh....
Afina touched my cheek today! ahahas. don't know why i remember that. i don't quite recall what it's like to be touched there by someone other than my sis.
don;t love. don't like. don't care.
I just can't stop myself from loving you.
Like I said.
I have intimacy issues.
.Monday, April 02, 2007 ' 2:27 PM Y
=x
Mood:
Like every other day...
I saw you smile at me and look away
In my mind i thought of only you
But back then ,I never had a clue
They said 'Wait'
That girl's just too good for you
In my mind I knew that was true
But back then, I never had a clue
Too long we waited, I watched the sunset
See your smile light up my day
And in every other way
I could only love you just the same
Oh.
I just can't stop myself from loving you
I just can't stop myself from loving you
You might not believe me
But it's only cause' you can't see it
I just can't stop myself from loving you
Sometime that day
I watched your smile fade away
In my mind I was too confused
I never knew what meant to me was you
They said 'Yeah'
That girl's the one in love with you
In my mind I was too confused
i never knew you loved me that way too
Too long we waited,we watched the sunset
See your smile light up my way
And in every other way
I could only love you just the same
Oh.
I just can't stop myself from loving you
I just can't stop myself from loving you
You just can't believe it
But to you, I mean it
I just can't stop myself from loving you
Bridge: Emptiness.
Okay forget it.
Im no songwriter.
and it's all so corny.
got a little high today in class. sorry weiyuan!
and i just typed this out.
and now im back to normal.
maybe i'll edit it later.
.Sunday, April 01, 2007 ' 11:03 PM Y
=x
Mood:
Another dream.
Another nightmare.
Real. Too real.
It's HIJACK, or some unknown darkness.
And it's hacking. HAcking madly into my conscious.
I am dying. slowly, my mind, my heart is dying.
something is trying to kill me, from the inside out.
i only have you left.
and then again.
i don't have you at all.
It's over.
. ' 12:38 AM Y
=x
Mood: Non-existent.
There was a man, a lonely man...Who lost his love through his indifference...Ah SHUT THE F*** up.
Your corny lyrics piss me off.
Im so going to get blasted for this.
but i don't give a shit! WOOHOO!
I sure ain't playing Solitaire, bitches.
So anyway.
People in my class can't stand me.
I officially have no social life.
I have nobody who loves me.
I do not believe God can fulfill my intimacy issues and obviously my physical needs.
I have not gotten over Junice Lim.
My God-Bro has gotten everything I have ever wanted, only wanted.
Im not jealous. Im just envious. right?
You all just don't get how serious I am.
Just because the problems' been there so long, because I keep whining about the same old fucking thing doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Anyone here thinks I actually want to be in love with someone who doesn't even know I truly exist?
I mean, look at me!
I had a social life. I was relatively popular speaking, I have a multitude of talents, God loves me, I have hundreds and hundreds of friends, teachers and a family who loves me.
That was before.
Then all turned dark.
And then it turned light...
One reason is because when you experience something so good, when you get the exact opposite you suffer like crazy.
obviously people don't understand.
and the cycle goes on and on.
but hey, i don't blame you.
Jsut like i told everyone who made fun of my crush on Junice.
when you get older, you'll find out!
And then you'l suffer! YAY!
EXCEPT GUESS WHAT?! YOU'LL BE TOO FUCKING OLD TO EVEN FEEL THE PAIN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IT'S LIKE TO GOT THROUGH THIS AS A KID?!
of course not. people tease me, mock me, hurt me and when they become older.
what do they do? they complain about heartbreak. about how much life sucks.
try going through that when you're too young to even understand it.
peh.
yay.
same person who's getting baptized next week.
okay now that i have officially regained my composure.
..i'm being hit at my most personal spots recently.
i think the devil wants me to not be baptised.
like a test from God or something.
I can get through this, but only if you people pray for me and believe that I can.
Im not asking for your sympathy. I'm asking for your help.
i don't care how much more screwed up your life is, you know that deep inside, my true self would do the same for you if you ever felt this way.
but then again.
no one comes here anymore.
maybe im all alone.
darkness and loneliness.
is my friend.