.Friday, March 30, 2007 ' 8:02 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...
Well wee got baptised./
congrats to him i guess.
mine's next sunday.
mm.
think this blog is starting to outlive it's usefulness...
should reinstall the password...
after all, nobody is here.
i had a weird dream last night. well. not weird. more like. nightmare.
mm.
it's starts with meeting her on the streets, and we hit it off.
and then a few years later, we get married.
and then her stupid boss sends her on a errand to do something she doesn't want to do. her cab gets into a accident.
she's dead.
i kill the son of a bitch, murder his wife and rape his teenage daughter all in front of her younger brother.
and if that's not enough, i take out one of the cops who try to arrest me and take his gun.
and i go on a killing spree.
then my best friends try to stop me. obviously, they must have said something stupid to someone who's become seriously psychotic after my wife was dead.
oh, and did i mention she was pregnant when she died?
so i kill them all. and their girlfriends. or their wives. i kill them all.
and then i kill myself.
im a sadist.
life sucks.
im glad im not describing it in detail.
i wonder how it's possible you can really cry while you dream you're crying.
or if you throw into the sea the ashes of the one you've loved since you were 5.
or how u can smile while you kill the ones you love.
I'm going mad.
i've known it all along, and i got myself out of that state of mind time and time again, but..
...yeah it's over.
My mind..my abomination is taking over.
i think it's better that way.
that way my needs for intimacy and love can be fulfilled by other things.
better than not being fulfilled at all.
yi feng hurt me when he said that i wasn't even attached to junice.
like i have no reason to be sad.
..love isn't like that. it's just not. love hurts, and i know it. he was just lucky his love was reciprocated.
and they patched up, and...
well see?
better to be loved once than never at all.
...better to be loved twice than once.
I've gotten over her.
But I have no love.
I'm so empty, so dark, so cold...
All of my love was already poured into people who forgot about me, never loved me or pretended to love me.
and i feel alone.
God help me, please...
I don't want to feel like this next sunday.
im hurting inside.
are you?
.Thursday, March 29, 2007 ' 11:17 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...whew.
complicated.
letssee.
not much today. the sec 2's not in school, which makes my life less entertaining.
played with nicholas bball.
then lessons as usual..
i think ms ang, the trainee one, is really friendly.
and i think our physics teacher, the trainee one, likes her. AHAHA.
i think.
anyway.
had an unusually long talk with ellice and she helped cheer me up a little. dunno why she's so devout and all though.i clearly am lacking something. but most of it was enjoyable.
so after that.
went to tom's house for a while.
ps2 and stuff. cuz rehearsal...
um.
actually there was.
and it was goin g to be super long.
and they f****** cancelled it at the last minute.
F. ha. i did it. no vulgarity!
yeah right.
beign emo about being single, as always.
talked to ying yun. she obviously doesn't like me in that way. nice to know.
not.
then again, im being selfish cuz i don't like her either.
but it would be nice to know if someone actually liked me.
i think.
or maybe i just need a life of some sort.
then tom had lots of probs with ncc..talked about it and in the end i think we're still gojng bball.
can't mention the new peep who's making tom feel pain.
physically.
but that person's cool.
not ever going to let that person know.
i think.
nice for him to be happy.
one person at a time.
later.
ShadowFighterX
(finally working on my third novel!)
(since i have no inspiration for my second and first ones.) :(
oi tom, you'd BETTER TYPE IT OUT!
.Wednesday, March 28, 2007 ' 8:31 PM Y
=x
Mood: Neutral.
Amazingly enough, Im not entirely lonely.
I think .Thanks nick. :)
help me change my blogskin yep? ;)
Let's see.
I think people in class...generally...don't like me?
I think I could laugh, if it wasn't so not funny.
mm.
I admit I haven't been the most social of people lately.
But it's getting hard to appeal to people now.
I wonder why.
Sigh.
So tired..
need something in my life to keep me living...
so baptism on easter sunday...?
hmm. i was pretty sure at first. but it's too late for doubts.
i wish i was a bit more...devout though. huh.
there's something that's still missing.
sleepyy..
not used to being lonely, i suppose.
it gives me a bit more time for my ankle to heal..to write my novels..
but i highly doubt that i'd trade my happiness for anything..
talked to someone very interesting today.
quite an intrigueing person. gave me things to think about, no matter how un-seriously they were put.
the person's smsing is kind of slow though.
so anyway.
listening to 'smack that' and 'my love' now!
And they're better than i originally thought.
arrgh. tood.
Im sleepy.
Or just tired.
Not a lot of difference.
Ms Ang spent forever looking for our humans class. LOL!
i need to write a poem on an animal and the creator of the animal..
complicated.
SFX
.Tuesday, March 27, 2007 ' 9:58 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..
Whew.
lesse.
Madeline's got OBS, qi hui's got OBS, guo yi's got OBS, daryl's got OBS...
man, the few people i can talk to freely are gone right now, except for wei yuan. obviously, it's harder to talk to Kenny or PX, and obviously wee...so...
huh. trying to see what my plan is for flag day...
i mean, im obviously not going to spend 4 hours begging.
anyway.
today was a horribly wrong day to wear pe under my uniform.
i was being roasted alive. seriously. ahh.
bball went well today, but my ankle is not getting any better.
maybe i lack a lot of patience..
starting tomorrow, im banning myself from the lift cuz i need to touch hoop. seriously.
suddenly feelings a bit pissed at things..subhas' behaviour lately...my incompetence with my ankle..all the 'captain' stuff that mrs ang has to announce on stage..
maybe i just don't forgive that well.
shi jie and chong han playing fierce today..i got to get better. really. otherwise i can't improve.
maybe my stunts and my pull-up jumpers and my defying laws-of-physics moves are definetely getting better, but my stamina officially sucks.
mm. if my ankle had recovered by now. i would be so much better.
one-on-one wise anyway. maybe it's time i learnt a bit of teamwork while im injured?
i could really use something to numb the pain right now.
what else happened today?
apart from getting busted for being sleepy during physics (it's the heat. seriously. )
and my mum thinking that im lonely in class ( which is techinically a fact now, hmm.)
and stuff like that.
i need to sleep more often.
maybe that's it.
and pray. for me. god please. im tired of my ankle being in this condition, of the feeling of hating to go to class.
mm.
thank god for 'brother' who i spent quite a good bus ride with. lolz. i think juniors like people who act arrogant. lolz.
im talking a LOT, a LOT of bullshit these days.
and believe me, it's fun.
for now.
ShadowFighterX
.Sunday, March 25, 2007 ' 9:28 PM Y
=x
Mood: Um.
Mm.
no one comes around here anymore..
but surprisingly i find that okay. looking back at myself is better then nobody.
lesse.
um. had baptism class today but fely so depressed i commited sin again. i don't know when im going to grow up...get a bit more of a life...
did some other stupid things today..
like looking at all the previous files i have..
looking at my stories was nice...but..
clarissa's files..well...
haiz. just keeps reminding me of what a stupid and complicated guy i am.
i mean obviously she doesn't care at all anymore right?
athough so much for the part when she says 'no matter how mean you become, you're still my fren you noe?' or something like that. which hurts, because i did love her. even if it was for only a little while.
mm. knowing some people..they think they're in love but they just don't get the diff. between intimacy, a fling, a crush, infatuation and true love.
which is silly ultimately.
huh.
love doesn't really fade..it more like changes...mostly into a less than preferred kind of love but love nonetheless. it's everything it was meant to be. people define this as...
Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
"Love is friendship set on fire."
"Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness."
"To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven."
"Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever."
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
and yeah..there you go.
haha.
then i loved junice?
i never get over it, do I?
mm. shouldn;t be comparing all the time. that's like taking advantage of my own feelings.
which is weird, wrong and true.
huh.
mm.
trying to kill, poison myself..
MAYBE...
i do not believe in suicide...anymore.
but it sounds so good sometimes.
like a desirious sin.
maybe i have a lot in life. lately, at any rate.
but the problems remain, and i long for the love of my life more than any of these other things..
mm..
i think im addicted to intimacy.
.which is creepy and wrong.
but to hold someone you love close to you..
is infectious. and desirious.
just to hold her in your arms, watch her as she sleeps?
..
im going mad.
like clarissa said.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
i take that as ure suffering from erm.....temporary insanity.
.b.
bye.
.Friday, March 23, 2007 ' 7:10 PM Y
=x
Mood: sigh.
haven;t been blogging properly lately..
today is just one of those days..
mm...breezed through the lessons rather effectively..tons of homework as usual but if i cram like crazy then i can finish it tonight ( which i won'[t do, so i'll finish it by sat night) .
mm..all started after schooll...played bball while waiting for commnendation day rehearsals...
Played for quite a bit had a little fun...
I was doing fantastic despite my ankle..and subhas had to ram me..
I just didn't wanna play anymore..wanted to back out..
the he called me and pussy and whatever...
Im not angry anymore..more like hurt. he of most people should understand. but if all he can do to impress his teammates is to humiliate me, so be it. he should learn to hear himself speak though. maybe someday, he'll realize why...
well let's just say i know something about his life that he himself doesn;t...
but being the loyal best friend I am despite his being an asshole today, im not going to tell him...
that's what friends are for huh..
so my ankle felt much worse..went to rest in the hall talked to ben goh awhile..he's pretty much my favourite junior. of cuz after him there's 'brother', 'boss', 'boxers' and 'liao man' of i only know two out of their actual real names. lolz. they seem content with the nicknames though. ahahs.
commendation day rehearsal sucked...so long so boring big waste of time..
i hated it..almost fell asleep cuz i was so tired and hadn;t eaten lunch but even then they wouldn;t let me rest...
hobbled to tom's place where we didn't end up playing bball after all. was pretty mad bt it internally but after seeing where he was emotionally i felt pretty compelled to never bring up that issue. he's matured a lot. lolz.
i hope he doesn't screw up.
im just so tired right now..
this got me to think a lot, so im writing this now after i've just bathed...
just thinking and wondering how it would be like to put my arms around my girlfriend again...
except that it seems i'll never be attached again....
i wonder how people can exist with being single..it sucks..
somehow, there's some sort of untapped energy within me..which is starting to come out...
especially during basketball...i did something i wasn't even capable of that wasn't tyko..it was as if i felt the shot so well...
was taking up a driv against subhas, nick and hubert all at once...then i jumped...they jumped...
i faked in mid-air, pulled off a three sixty and shot backwards. it was like that moment i saw myself pulling it off in my mind...
scored in one jump. the thrill was unbelievable.
and suddenly i was on the ground stumbling slightly, as if the shot was just a memory...
but i pulled it off..
mm. weird.
so anyway now im just resting my ankle..
i realize something..
how envy easily gets a hold of me..how vulnerable i am to sin..
maybe that's what blocks God's blessings from me..after all, im envious of my best friends and god-bros...
Adrian.
Subhas.
Tom
Waikeat...
but i'm christian. i love God. no matter how i screw up, i've always loved God. I wish they had what I had, but in some sort of place in my heart, if God became the Lord of their lives because of me, they would have him..and maybe i might have some of what they have..
it's horrible to realize how evil i can be inside...
want to call someone later to talk out my feelings..
but i've barely been social.
haven;'t been talking half as often to Grace and gang, JJ, my ex-classmates.., my primarysch classmates...
...i don't know..what's making me become destestable..?
hell, nobody pays attention anymore..
mrs ang..
ms chan..
even mrs leong.
haiz. is there no hope for my self inflicted depression?
maybe i want love in my life. by some miracle, if junice ever fell for me, i would love her with emancipation of every burning moment she barely existed in my life.
but i would die if she left.
so that's pretty much the end of it.
..
yeah im feeling alone.
.Wednesday, March 21, 2007 ' 6:58 PM Y
=x
Mood: Um..
My leg looks like it has significantly recovered!
Well. Not FULLY recovered. but significantly.
TOM WHERE IS MY SFX?!
okay anyway.
Ms Huang has apparentally found a great deal no. of our blogs.
So that means she will eventually find mine. because mine is linked to afina. and my links don't work. so.
So what was I saying about how great a teacher Ms Huang is?
lolz.
okay something interesting happened today.
Mrs Cheong could not mark my super long compo. so she let me mark it.
OMG SO COOL. CAN CHOOSE MY OWN MARKS.
first initial reaction. sadly, i eventually had to tak 24/30 only.
LOL.
anyway still lost to mun yee. :( she got 24.5. but don't worry. it's not counted.
temporarily the best*
Oh ya. i was the only one in class who got full marks for the algebra speed test yesterday. whoo.
but then the other test..well .that'sa diff story.
sigh.
i'd like to sleep.
got so much work to do.
the play was postponed again.
writing is still fun..but i feel like im not improving...
somethings can write really well..other topics i just can't get many marks..
sad. :(
getting baptized on easter sunday..or sat. :)
the testimony i wrote went well...
quite happy bt it...
..mm. there's one thing i have to settle that i shld settle b4 i get baptized. with a person called wee.
but i'll take my time at it..
i don wanna say anything stupid.
in the meantime, every one please pray for my ankle. ahahas.
seriously.
I still need to be the best player in Singapore.
and i think that more than ever, it's possible. sometimes, i feel like i've become better..just by thinking..working out the muscles my ankle can't work...
..ms huang was talking some interesting stuff about philosophy..
im thinking about it.
later.
SFX
.Monday, March 19, 2007 ' 9:51 PM Y
=x
Mood: Okay.
Sleep is a necesity in all things if my life.
So tired today. Almost fell asleep in every class, except..
ENGLISH BECAUSE I GOT ONLY 21/30. ARRGH.
STUPID TELECOMMUNICATIONS TOPIC.
And Im sleepy.
Today was so boring.
And i'm loveless and hopeless.
later.
.Saturday, March 17, 2007 ' 9:28 PM Y
=x
Mood: :)
a few interesting things happened today (: went for dance today. did nth much, jus some improving and stuff. cmc came to get some books but i ended up going jurong with them. then went to library with cmc and hy. did maths for awhile. then explored myechit's laptop. found out shocking photos! okay, i'm jus exaggerating but still not supposed to see photos like that in his pc. lol. wanted to go home, but ezlink card mei you qian. so got coins from them to take bus. BUT in e end took mrt. dunno why. lol. reached shop, kinda surprised to see guoxuan. lol. he coming my hse! lalala.. reached home, called luke to chat
(i so guai horx xD)cus i promised him ytd nitx, i guess. then talk.. suddenly said something i shldn't say. he was laughing his ass off! omgosh. i'm so paiseh lorr. WHAT AM I TALKING ?!?! cus i was thinking abt other things. then spout nonsense. i think he fan ying chi dun, wait awhile then realised and laughed (: okay, jus treat it as a joke. and DUN TELL ANYONE THE CONTENTS! jus treat it as a laugh.LESSON LEARNT: think before you speak to luke (:LOL MAN. ahahaahha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:)
tell u guys abt it sometine.
NOT. just kididng.
gd mood!
later.
;)
PS: yeah this is ying yun's post. hope she doesn't kill me.:)
5 days and stil no bball..
:( sadness factor.
.Thursday, March 15, 2007 ' 2:15 PM Y
=x
Mood: Whoa.
I forced myself to get up at 2 plus today...
Today is a day when I feel as if my english is perfect. Maybe I shall do some writing later. hmm.
3rd day of injury. Still can;t walk staight. :(
but i found dad's ankle guard, so now i can walk a little..that way i don have to roll around on the wheeliechair or scream when joel's toe hits my ankle...
urgh.
yeah well.
Im so bored. and pretty tired...
which is frustrating, because my parents are all over this timetable thing that never works and they forget about it anyway and I just hate to be pinned down by them...
but what I hate more is no excuse to go out, because frankly speaking, I can't go out...:(
maybe to lan by cab? ahahas. even walking to a bus stop is too far. :(
so sad. :(
haiz..wonder when God is going to let me heal fully?
I don't know..
And I still have to write my testimony..
And chem and physics homework...
sigh. at least i finished math and english.l..
well mostly..
sadness factor.
mm. at least my feelings are finally set back in place..hopefully people will start accepting me again...
who did I piss off when my feelings were haywire?
lessee.
Marcus Wee.
Nicholas, but he's understanding. Im not worried. :)
Fanny...
Maybe even JJ by neglecting him as a friend? haiz.
mm..basketball team..even including subhas..but i'll piss them off anytime even when my feelings are haywire, except for subhas, the rest of them just enjoy pissing me off...( well hopper also not including, he just makes me irritated in a good way)
like hongkai!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I BLAME YOU FOR MY LEG.
actually i can't since theoratically I jumped...
but that makes me more determined to beat the bball team now...
or join back. hmm. frustrating decision.
and the dreams come back to haunt me again...
sigh. one thing at a time God. Please.
=(...
haiz..
life is frustrating.
I've got to get through this...
.Wednesday, March 14, 2007 ' 10:17 AM Y
=x
Mood: .....
lately have been coping with some things emotionally...
some things that have compelled me to be quite an asshole...
somethings that have made me drink an exceedingly huge number of soft drinks...
some things that have made me stay at home and do nothing..just wondering. just wondering.
..and the truth is that I've finally reached a point in life where I'm struggling between infatuation and love.
sometimes, no matter what happens in your mind, it never happens here. it just can't. it's not real. so no matter how it goes...reality is all that counts. even if you knew what would happen if it didn't.
so that pretty much crushed me. im not going to say exactly what tho'. hmm.
i still feel like quite a jerk.
anyway. i can't walk. i suppose that is my punishment. for like. not doing anythingg. and stuff.
..I saw you die.Although I'll admit that not being able to walk twice in two weeks is really annoying.
it happened during a one-on-one with hong kai..don't know why i was so tired so easily..
then i was doing a jump shot..foul in! but my leg landed on his..then my whole body collapsed on one side...
my leftt ankle is so swollen right now.
it kept getting worse and worse, eventually, ms william helped me numb the pain a while, huan wei carried me to the porch. then i called mrs ang and she was going to help me call a cab...but then huan wei say need to save money or something..ahahas...
but in the end, jun wei carried me outside the school. then huan wei carried me across the road where we got a cab..
thanks peeps. :)
was pretty angry and pissed after that...i mean, i coudln't walk again. and today, as im writing this, i still can't walk. huh. i don't know when im going to recover.
so i was cursing and swearing as usual. and val calls and i have to tell her bt my injury..i guess i can't play on sunday. or thursday for that matter.
mm. later in the day talked to guoyi..still pretty pissed, but she helped to cheer me up a little..thanks.. :)
so today im pretty determined to recover as fast as possible, build up my stamina again and beat hong kai. in all honesty, not to sound proud but im guessing it's pretty true..
if my stamina wasn't as crappy as it is now, i'd be one whole level over hongkai..one-on-one wise my defence has immensely improved..who knows, i might even be going a level over like..joshua or subhas? although diff. ppl is diff. hmm.
but the thing is, when the bball team thrashed me, nick, bei ji and ben that day, i realized something. no matter how great i become or am becoming at one on one, no matter how much i learn how to control my peak so i can' be the No.1 in singapore, team-wise, ..it's not helping that much..
maybe i still have things to think about..and while im crippled, i pretty much have time to think.
maybe the time to write my testimony...write my novel...
study a little? ha.
in the meantime, hope u guys will pray for me to recover as soon as possible. i'll be back on the court in no time!
and im so going to kick ass.
later.
ShadowFighterX
.Saturday, March 10, 2007 ' 11:27 PM Y
=x
Mood: um.
okay feeling better now.
not much better, but definetely better enough to know i didn;'t mean it.
for goodness's sake, i expres my feelings in writing. half the things i say i don't mean.
well, except for wanting to be the No.1 player in sing, of cuz.
keith pissed me off today. don't know why. there was jsut something annoying about him...
for those of you who don't know keith, he's a generally quite gd and loyal church friend, but today he was being an asshole..
i mean 192cm is probably so overrated..
maybe shld ask subhas to check him out and go one-on-one with him first. then if 192 gets thrashed, i won't even bother challenging him.
yeah well. i've seen myself at my peak. like i said, all ineed to do is prove to myself im the best. no need to be an all-star and such. im sick of that.
although giving up on basketball team entirely, im still not so sure.
thinks*
went church today.
didn't do much. but got to see my mei after three whole weeks. she looks diff. somehow. hmm.
just imagining it maybe.
anyway, i think i must be a flirt.
otherwise i wouldn't start feeling weirdness and highness from random places. life is just not like that.
and i shall find a way to shoot consistently. that way, i can beat everybody when i feel like it. :)
pratice/determination/hard work
although balancing studies and bball is really hard...
poor subhas. hope his parents didn't get at him.
i know my parents got at me...
tiredness.
ben was noob the other day. couldn't handle sidney. i think i was pretty noob too. but still better.
losing to bei ji doesn;t help though,
i think i've challenged bei ji at least 6 times.
and only won once.
hmm.
hong kai has a worse record though.
ahahas. like if u compare me, hongkai, subhas, weng, and beiji.
beiji takes on subhas and has it easier because he has more strength.
but im faster than beiji by a lot, so i wear him out much faster than if subhas were to use physical strength against him.
naturally, subhas wears me out a lot faster using physical strength against me, because, while he is not faster, at least he has more than enough speed and stamina to keep up.
which makes things more fun. more challenging.
hongkai i dunno. ahahas.
but i fugre im improving now. shooting getting better, and im able to access my limit breaker more often. maybe if subhas and i become worse enemies, one day i can play my best against him?
but that day will not come. for him maybe. (subhas, don take offense, but u and i do quarrel, and u tend to like to vend ur anger on me. i mean obviously i respect you. buh hah>? take ur own advice dude. i know im taking it.) ;) at least from now on, anyway.
and happy birthday! oh yeah. going ur house tomorrow. or ur uncle's place. whatver. woohoo!
..but im quite amazed at my peak performance.
oh god, please help me play like that on a constant basis.
bball forever!
..
and hoping the feelings go away.
cuz i wil leither eat a lot, drink a lot, or do something rash when im depressed.
urgh.
SFX
.Friday, March 09, 2007 ' 11:44 PM Y
=x
Mood: pissed.
God, when will my mum learn to just shut up?!
FUCK studying. FUCK that larh. im so pissed enough already.
everything i do is never good enough for her.
although there's s a certain someone going through it worse then me...
and im starting to care for her a lot..as a friend thing lah..don't jump..but it's unnaturally fast...who knows?.
lolz. yile and subhas are suffering also. they got a tough time.
the very thought of hearing my mother talk is disgusting.
bitch.
when i grow up, i shall have my ultimate revenge.
maybe abandon her or something. hmm. considering all the possibilities as long as i act like a good kid.
don't be silly. of course not. recognize the sarcasm when you see it.
but she crossed way over the line. so i will have my revenge. but not so drastic. just a plain, simple revenge. no big deal. only cause her as much anger as grief and stress as she has me.
anyway.
Math-91.3
A math-72
English-85
Chinese-44
Humans-78
Chem-57
Physics-62
Average score: 69.9 (rounded off)
L1R5: 14
screwed up system.
fuck.
anyway, bball lately has been very inconsistent...
from limit-breakers..to beating subhas, hongkai, even weng weng this week? i know they were playing slack, but sometimes no. the challenge gives me a thrill.
to stiff legs, lousy shooting, bad solo play and lousy passes. demolishing.
anyway, it's been a while since i blogged, yeah?
I still have things to do during the hols..
1. Math homework, A math homework, English Compo corrections, Chinese ting xie studying, physics and chem homework...
and the lit. play! omg. crap. forgot ALL bt it.
2. basketball? ahahas. knowing that crazy bitch back at home, chances of playing is not much right now...
to me...frankly speaking...my parents don't have a clue about who i am..what i've done..what i can do...they jsut think i've got an attitude problem, that i 'think i know everything.'
ironically, this is exactly what it is.
i 'think' i know everything...
but it doesn't coexist with my consciousness.
so that's different.
can't i help it if i know much? or if i get irritated hearing things from them i don't wanna hear, and they know i don't wanna hear? why the HELL do they want to piss me off?
especially my mum larh. she sucks. she's been not supportive at all, and is banning me off church if i don't study all day tomorrow.
initial response: go to hell.
later response: I'[m sorry. for the hell remark. the rest? ahh....NO.
last response.: i'd rather u didn't got to hell, but im not studying all day, so you can go talk to the pastor for all you like. i don't give a shit.
yeah well.
life's like that./
i think i need to be on the phone tomorrow to occupy my time...
my sis will be watching me..blablablah...as usual, nobody knows what i can do or what i've done for them. and my mum calls me unappreciative.
whatever.
so, so pissed off. had to vend my anger on bei ji xiong, but had stomach pains in my leading 5 to 3, so he caught up and beat me. im gratefull he let me use him. he also got to release his stress ( oww! my aching back..)
whioch reminds me. 3/3 the class marking is so lenient. checked it out already. so ben, jx and anyone else, don dare brag.
tired larh.just came back from playing Xbox with tom and waik in orchard..
getting better at HALO? ahahahas..
finally.
later.
.Tuesday, March 06, 2007 ' 11:35 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...
yeah it's a been quite a whirlwind...
still trying to get to the bottom of what i've called the limit-breaker
which sound too much like FFVII according to tom, but I still think it sounds cool.
anyway...
my legs are slowly recovering! yay!
except i don;t think they'll recover in time for tomorrow...
think i'll pon training larh..i have something to do...
now that i'm injured...and studies are moving slower (incidentally, my marks are dropping..haiz...) i have time to think....
about what on earth is happening in HIJACK...
about the attacks in my head...
about when i'm going to finish my novel...
about being happy i beat hong kai this morning! ahahas...
about being irritated at weng weng for being so zun today...
i realized something, during the numerous matches with hongkai, is that he knows how to play intense defense. he must have started from quite some time ago..two years maybe? i've barely even tried for more then 5 minutes. but he lasted the whole match we played. (grudge match, loss, 6-7) ..interesting. intense defense is more consistent then intense offense, no matter how good i am at it, so even when i win i lose. if i can't shoot for some reason, game over, isn't it? subhas also knows intense defense...
practicing new defense technique...it's like, specifically for taller and bigger centres..i'm so going to try it out..it's going to raise my performance level another notch! yeah hah!
although im surprised i didn't even try it so long ago. :(
so stuff yesterday.
ms ang got pissed at me becuz i forgot that stupid parent's form thing and she made me sad cuz i hate to disappoint her. stupid hormones. i tell you, i've got enough problems already. i cannot deal with a almost two-year on and off infatuation with my form teacher.
chinese, im embarassed. as usual. evil zho lao shi. he pretends to be a good guy only. grr.
english ppl have to copy my summary. =)
played a little bball despite my injuries and it felt like hell. not smart. but i exercised some of the muscle aches and they're back to normal. monday night is uneventful. no talkin g to girls. tsk.
today ms ang was not pissed at me.
i'm just feeling weird today....
someone got beaten up by a gang in front of me..i did nothing to help him..i couldn't...
they beat the guy up right in front of mr tan say pin. useless. the school is unreliable. some things, you just have to handle yourself. but i feel weaker. and scared. i haven't..taken action in so long.
..so angry, so confused about the events elsewhere, so depressed...i think even ms ang noticed. anyone would have. so stressed i fell asleep in chem class. everything just wears me out.
..didn't do homework today even though nd to pass up tomorrow..what's wrong with me? i got no will to do anything...i'm just so upset over everything lately...
feel like a flirt...even though i know im not...people don't know the real reason why it's so easy for me to get crushes...but then again.
i FEEL, like a flirt. recently.
and those feelings are just so fucked up.
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfaceconsuming...confusing...talke to qi hui today night..told her what she wanted to know...i'm just glad things worked out well lah...it was a silly thing, nothing more. and to think that madeline actually brought about someone who's really nice. a first.
jj's so gonna bother me about it...
..mm. she asked me if i liked...opps. she said not to say. arrgh. so close.
but she was wrong larh. =)
although i wouldn;t mind being clsoer friends? ;)
oh YAH. and she said i was good at FLIRTING! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
see? more proof.
obviously, im lousy at flirting, but that's beside the point.
otherwise junice might be wrapped around my little finger.
although knowing me, i'm probably already wrapped around hers.
which is not a smart thing to say.
jun, don't take that to heart k? ;)
btw jun, your tagboard is not working. for me, anyway. i tagged several times and it all never got through.
gtg, mum is being apest.
later.
ShadowFighterX
do me a favour and don't ask me what's wrong..even if i knew i couldn't tell you...not that i don't want to. i just can;t.
the scars just go so deep.
.Saturday, March 03, 2007 ' 9:38 PM Y
=x
mood;...
numb.
my legs are lagging like crazy,,'
okay so cleary my body can't take very much.
my legs are LAGGING.
i can't WALK PROPERLY.
AND IT'S SO BAD I LOST TO HUBERT. HE'S MY JUNIOR.
subhas wouldlaugh, except he tore his hand open again.
please pray for his hand and my legs.
gotta run!
later.
SFX
.Friday, March 02, 2007 ' 1:21 PM Y
=x
Mood: Arrgh.
Now I'm pissed.
Earlier was typing out all this when i pressed control by accident...and deleted everything that i typed...crap larh...
anyway, was going on bt limit breakers..
I won again! yay. Praise God! woohoo!
i think asking help from god gives me some sense of fulfillment..like i have something to live for..
and the limit breakers are a great benefit. =)
Jed shouldn't be called Jed. shld be called Jet. he's dead fast. right behind me..
my timing was like 10 plus...really gd larh. yeah...
my body is killing me after the limit breaker...
if i could do that in every basketball match, every one-on-one..i might be champion of the world or i might die before then. whichever comes first...
so, so tired. slipped and fell as i crossed the finishing line and was dizzy and stuff cuz i had no more energy left to stand..
altogether, 12 different people threatened to break my legs b4 the race. ;)
still very sick...i threw up a little half way through...my timing slowed down then. it'll be much faster next year.
really thank God, everyone who supported me, my teacher and my friends! especially Mrs ang and jj and ding hao. and of cuz the girls who helped me look after my bag.
oh yarh, and somewhere along the way i abandoned my specs with a bunch of girls and they ^()@^)*@^) left it there!!! had to walk over 2km to get them back..
so tiring and irritated by that larh.
man, if only i could use limit breakers on subhas and hongkai and weng siang...then would confirm win instead of so flip coin wishy washy.
although lately it seems that if the word 'must win' is on my mind i seem to lose...cuz i never seem to be able to go through with it.
especially with my friends..it hurts too much./
but i know i can win. =)
heard that subhas! wahahaha.
don't get offended larh. ;) it's not meant to be offensive.
but im a lot more tired. so i think i'll sustain from the limit breakers awhile. only like if there's some situation when i need it.
i mean i could never use a limit breaker against subhas. maybe hongkai. but friendship is a little more important then winning larh, and i hate to cause unnecessary injuries to myself and others.
feel so powerful all of a sudden. hope that doesn't make me complacent.
pretty happy bt qi hui keeping her deal since i got first. yay! someone has got to give me her email address so i can tease her online. hehe.
wow the power is really getting to me.
anyway, went for lunch with wee, nicole, cynthia, xiang rui, teacher and denise..i didn't really talk much..still not comfortable...
and still not full..
lining up all my trophies now..ahahahas. today's one is the tallest! it's so big. whoa hoa.
...im suddenly distracted...
limit breaker is ringing in my head..
can't imagine what i could do if i was always like that in bball.
i mean, i've seen it's effects, beating tom, timo and waik one on three. it's beyond my limit byso much..it's like i went a whole new level..
anyway my juniors all so surprised i won. lolz. like that effect.
ben goh got 2nd! he's so thin larh. and so fit...he can do 27 of those pull up things...and his timing is better then mine last year! my gosh larh. someone so small is like. demi invincible already at his age. meh. no wonder we met. he's got a lot of potential.
mm. reminscing qi hui's face when i showed her the trophy..SO FUNNY LARH! ahahahas.
mm. oh yeah. nd to buy stuff from enterprise but i forgot! ellice is going to kill me. lolz. i feel very bad now. meh.
so sleepy all of a sudden now. the limit breaker is making me pass out. plus, im still sick from flu.
dizzyiness and sleepiness taking over...
later peeps.
ShadowFighterX
.Thursday, March 01, 2007 ' 7:18 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...ehh...
misunderstood. i think.
yesterday i was training. and not with my team.
the basketball team.
I don't know what this means. I mean..am i really going back to this?
..i dunnoo...
been talking to certain ppl..
mum of cuz, disapproves .quite annoying. she's not at all supportive of me.
I wonder why?
mm. not making the right decisions lately..with all the work, bball and HIJACK.., i haven't had enough time to think..even to write...
...sigh. my basketball skills...and my fitness...
my studies..
there's no balance. it's hard.
...just that today, really copped it off...
Mr Lim kept announcing 'the captain', 'the captain' which really set me off...
I don't know if that's a signal for me not to join back.
..i just..don't want to disappoint teacher again. but there's so many things.
..wee was right. crap. as usual. can;'t stand it. even when he's barely involved in my life, he's freakin right. can't stand that.
so now i have, problems. grr. quit means quit, huh?
and then he says 'i always knew u'd join back'.
tired. so tired. and so much anger from the past...
I thought with a new goal, to be the no.1 in s'pore, that goal would set me free...give me a bit of freedom...and a bit of discipline.
but even my muscles are still aching from yesterday;s workout...so outta shape...
...I don't know what to do.
Please God, help me decide what to do.
Mm. no social life.
so..tomorrow's the cross country. the bball team's not taking part...but there's the thailand guy, and Jed.
mm. and on sat im not sure whether mum's gonna let me off for the training...
strictly individual training and physical, apparentely.
I'm scared. Of my future. of who I am. of who im becoming.
I need a lot of time now.
ShadowFighterX