.Tuesday, February 27, 2007 ' 7:03 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..um.
mm. don't know what to say..
lately feel like im a pretty reserved person..feel like its so much harder to talk to people for some reason....
teacher on mc..no wonder i haven't seen her around..was slightly worried...
yeah well.
I noticedthat SFX becomes more and more focused on
1. fight scenes
2. overdone dramatic scenes
3. me
so basically, im rewriting most of it except for what really counts. a good warm up experience on novel writing i suppose. it is disappointing that i have to give it up, but at 13 i wasn;'t experienced enough to know what makes a story interesting. i only knew how to copy what i knew from...there...
yeah well no elaboration.
wonder if jun is still irritated with me..=(
i think it's really the cahoots with keith, pearl and i now..first he screwed up and now i did. im quite ashamed larh. but i don't know what i should have done at that time...because it seems either way i would have wanted the choice i made...
which is quite disappointing...
im worried. i really am.
lost and found found my math file...they gave it to zhou lao shi...he gave it to ms ang...i was so hoping she wouldn't find out! =( but she was really nice about it. =)
which is why i am so deeply infatuated with her. being pretty is just a side thing. ahahas.
Emblazoned in my mind...Still can't find my compo. supposed to type it out...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
PEIYI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ah well.
Cuz I...need time...My heart is numb has no feelingBut talking to Ms Ang was nice. =) Maybe i should lose my math file again. i hope. i hope...
Ms Pearl Huang helped talk me through my thoughts about the team...
Subhas is intent on me joining back...I just don't know...it's true, that he might get ahead of me...but once my seniors graduate..
who's to say he shouldn't get ahead of me? I may be aiming for the best, but he's made it this far..he's definetely sacrificed more...
But I just don't want to lose yet.Not now. not in this time...maybe when I become too old for this sport, or when I've beaten the best of the best in Singapore...
..he called me an all-rounder once. i wonder, is that the case...?
So while I'm still healingjust try...I've tried very hard...in every thing I do, to glorify God and not myself. To for once, not think about this for myself...but I wish God would fulfill this desire of mine...
I mean...it seems every thing i want never...
...junice...
fck. i can't think about her now. i mustn't. not even if i want to.
it's been too long trying to get over her. i can't, i won';t fall for her again...
shit.
To have a little patience...But there are still things I want to do...
Like
1. winning the cross country
2. being the no.1 bballer in singapore
3. coping academically
4. find a girl who i love with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and have a meaningful and lasting relationship...
5. baptism..in like..a few months time...
and thereafter, i have things to do. to accomplish. in this world, and other worlds, this is me.
my legacy.
I'm sick right now though, so getting round' to all these things could be a little hard.
Please pray for me. ;)
Anyway, lastly...
just recent results. not too bad i suppose...
Math Test 26/2: 23/25 (too many ppl got full marks...carelessness!!!!)
English CT Compo: 27/30 (yeah man, the best!!) (peiyi lost it. urrgh. =()
English CT 2 Compre: 40/50 (=)
Chinese Test; 32/70 (lowest..i think. urrgh. fail.)
SS: 10/13 (A1 for SS! considered not bad already ok.)
and thus forth. 4 a1's baby!
and one fail. =(
later then.
ShadowFighterX
.Monday, February 26, 2007 ' 7:01 PM Y
=x
Mood; Well..
Okay so peiyi lost my compo which i was so proud of (sobsob) =(
and i lsot my math file which suffered a lot before dying (it was left in the rain and subsequently disappeared)
and something has jsut happened.
damn me. damn my life. all of a sudden, everything is just collapsing.
basketball...?
...it's a competition...
...i've beaten all the aces in new town...clementi town...
Turns out River Valley Ace Leon and Nan Hua ace Cao Le...
still got them.
i pissed off keith. and i know im wrong. and im very sorry. i really am. i hate it jeopardizies our friendship, but lately nobody seems to want me anymore. im like trash or a discarded thought.
...but i will not have you thinking you, or anyone from your team can take me down.
because I am going to be the No.1 player in Singapore. no. 1.92 m guy is going to stop me. The Queenstown centre is 193, and he's not a match for me. or any of their aces.
im the best inter-locally, isibl, and i've beaten the aces of 4 different schools, including my own and all-stars. i am NOT LOSING TO SOME 1.92m guy!
..whether he's older by a year or not. if he's my age.
i'm taking him down.
...and i hate life.
ShadowFighterX
.Sunday, February 25, 2007 ' 11:42 AM Y
=x
Mood: ..oh.
The dream yesterday really gets to me..
not just because it was positively erotic and very sensual...
but also because of the other events..the flight, the people in it...
it was A HIJACK dream.
it was very powerful, lasted very, very long. quite traumatising, and ...well. i've become more than myself again.
but trying to find myself within that kind of universes...
it's...more than i can take.
for the rest of my life, I'll have to live with losses and experiences that never actually happened.
the worst part..is that no one will understand...no one will believe me..no one will know the truth, except for those who know, but even that they will keep within their own minds...
I dont' feel good.
I don't feel good at all.
Back here, my life just falls apart...
...I pretty much acknowledged Subhas' standard to mine...he's getting better, and a part of me really hates that...
Currently I would be the No.1 basketballer one-on-one wise in Singapore..for locals at my age, I would think. Otherwise I just missed a bunch of ppl out who I haven't challenged yet...
Like Leon? Hmm. The Rv match arranging still has some complications...
Subhas called me the other day...
A little pissed at nick for not telling me he was going to join sch team...didn't even tell me. huh. ..he already has ncc and shooting right? I dunno. Wonder how he has so much free time. and time to study?
...anyway, subhas made me an offer to join back. the school team. naturally im hesistant about this. people keep bothering me about this...bout' why I'm not in the school team. my mum tells me I shouldn't expect to be the best. she just doesn't know how to say encouraging things. very pissing off. but i tell you.
if im not already the best, I'm going to be the best. making it a promise to myself. to break my limit breaker, again.
...junice still isn't talking to me...
...mm. pearly's acting weird...
bball competition on march 18..wonder if i shld ask my team to join..but knowing ben he'll probably end up pissing me off...if he doesn[t bring the ball on monday he will piss me off...if the team goes for training on sat but not wed it will piss me off...
..leaving the team sounded promising, but im not going to abandon tom and waikeat. i owe them, to say the least.
subhas goes on to say stuff bt how great the team will be...
PG: Hong Kai
SG/SF: Weng Siang
SF: Me...?
PF/C: Bei Ji Xiong/ Nick?
C: Subhas
...like that kind of scenario..it' true, that would be an all-star new town team...
but I'm sick of proving myself to other people. who the hell judges whether I'm better than subhas or hong kai or not? I don't need to be judged. ...because i don't give a shit how tricky hong kai is, or how strong subhas is, on a match, on a one-on-one, and with a permanent injury to the right leg, I'm going to win.
I have never been more determined about this in my life than now.
...So with or without the team, I'll decide later. but I'm going to be the best.
...In my life...
there's no junice. or clarissa. or yanlin. or shimin.
or ximin. or ms ang.
...I have to guard my heart now.
the dream..and everything I want.../need, to do with my life...
it's over.
..I'm just so lost now. Missing the kind of love I've always needed....So what if I love her? ...she'll never love me. she never could, she never will...I made a mistake of thinking that I could get on without her. ...friendship just doesn't satisfy needs or criteria.I've made this decision. ...yeah.
but my gosh. you have no idea how much I miss you.ShadowFighterX
.Saturday, February 24, 2007 ' 11:39 AM Y
=x
Mood: ...
Yesterday was okay i guess. A little frustrating at first, but ok. Played with Subhas, some of my juniors, ben, huan wei, etc etc. yeah.. sidney hopper as well.
feeling really weird...
then went lan with tom and waikeat...deathmatch is fun! ahahas..it's a game i am actually good at with the mouse..considering that my com skills very useless nowadays...
mm. so far for com im only gd at RPG.
ps2 of cuz, is a diff. story. ;)
Xbox..grr. stuipid X-box. well. except for LOTR two towers, but otherwise...
Just woke up from a traumatising dream.
going to church soon.later.
.Thursday, February 22, 2007 ' 9:43 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...yeah. not good.
so im not exactly upset.
im more like confused, dense and blurr. as usual.
something is up with my parents, and they're not telling me. and i have the feeling it has to do with one of my friends.
still don't know what to do about that...
a bit lost now. thanks to jing qin anyway. he's always been reliable. but um. not exactly in the way most people would want him to be.
god, im confused now.
what is it that you want me to do?
so. three? four weeks? five weeks? i lost count already. that's how long i haven't talked to wee. nic wants me to resolve it..it's getting more complicated...talking to grace and they all and acting like he's not even there...
..yesterday, it happened again.
i think somehow, somewhere, someone's taking control over me. it's not preferable,but i'm starting to lose..
the abilities. ..as in. those.
..so. i don;t know.
...a bit unsure bt what to do. about everything. i feel as if lately i'm screwing up most things..my results...homework, relationships with friends and family..
everything except basketball, huh?
..amazingly, whenever lost my mind always drifts back to the past. mostly of junice.
i wonder how long that habit is going to stay intact...
..speaking of which, i think I must really have irritated her.
somehow. I don't know. all guys are dense. im a guy. end of story.
hell, im not even sensitive anymore. or i don't bother to be. it hurts too much, as far as i know. or remember. which ever is closer...or worse...
so on a lighter note..i don't know what to do.
something is going on, between my parents as of now.
hell, wtf is it?
...fanny said im too mature.
joke.
This is getting complicated.
...guess it's time to get back into what it was.
.Wednesday, February 21, 2007 ' 5:32 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..okay...
rightgottostudyforphysicstestsoonsobettermakethispostquick....
lolz.
okay. to start things off, physics was a drag as usual...
and im really worried cuz that draggy subject is so not going to help me get my marks...
..mm. then got busted by ms ang for playing bball during recess ( sweating like crazy! ahhh!! ). first time i talked to her in over a week. she's kinda cute in ways that i didn't think. and then she started talking bt how she's not my mum and etc. ..god, ms ang is so beautiful. she cannot, cannot, be my mum.
Mum better not see this... =)
nah. my mum is still the best. ;) although i admit we argue a lot.
anyway, the thing died instantly when ms ang talked about being my mum, so yeah... almost, almost, felt...something for her. urrgh. hormones outnumbering brain cells...
um. mrs cheong was being nice bt me being cynical..ahahas..stuff i wrote in 3 min writing larh.
and she said i did pretty well for my compo...that i can live with! =)
mm. then played a long...time after sch. kept getting owned by bei ji xiong...that fAt BUTT..arrgh... but then paid him back with my skills, of course. ;)
mm. got a bit frustrated when i had to call of training..too many ppl don wanna come or cannot come..so idiotic leh..
so i did something stupid. as usual.
i went to river valley high/
the tazi fare cost $4.70. we are so not taking cab there next time.
anyway, by chance (yeah right) i happened to find leon!
darn it. the name leon is so much cooler then the name luke. and his teamates call him the star of their team..star of team i can handle. but my name does not sound cool. everyone thinks leon from FFVIII is cool. but everyone else knows luke skywalker. unfortunately, they think he's a gay sissy who got his arm cut off by his father.
OVERRATED.
..i think i teed jun off a bit...im sorry jun! i didn't go to rv just to arrange the match and all you know. =( really am.
sigh.
bo.do.
sia.
..mm. rv guys are pretty tough.
i got to take them down though. ;)
...arrgh. legs aching.
mm. i didn't get to play against leon...
but those sec 3's and 4's are pretty tough..me, nick and ben had a hard time..
we lost the last match though. ahahas..
should be quite a challenge.
so anyway, coming outta rv i bumped into jing qin! well not literally. huh.
talked to him a bit..( btw waik he changed hp no.!) he was rather surprised to see me..ahahas.
then turns out he knows leon..hmm..
cuz he was counselor or something? oh yarh. jun mentioned it.
mm. listening to 'how to save a life' by the frey. (thanks marion! ;)
it's really nice. =)
tired. my hp died!
..gotta study soon..
panicks*
hey. no hw?
yeah right.
maths, darn it.
if ms ang wasn't so pretty i would have complained by now.
but that's just the overcharged hormones talking.
stupid.
stupid.
arrgh.
..later! ;
;)
hmm..my mood is more than okay...ShadowFighterX
.Monday, February 19, 2007 ' 5:10 PM Y
=x
mood: slightly..
off.
damn, life's a bitch sometimes.
anyway, visiting is pretty much over..hong baos coming in numerous..including belated birthday hong baos...yay...
should be a little happier right?
mm. haven't blogged since. mm. 3 days ago? mmhmm.
what happened?
letsee..
got new jersey which i can brag bt since it has my name on it...
um..getting a new bball from dad soon..that way i won't cling on to the team ball..and anyway, waik can show up for training on wed now...
hw all done..pretty much shld get round' to studying soon...
..mm. went yifeng's house yesterday and got a hongbao. pearly was there of course, otherwise i would't pester yifeng for much. ahahas. except maybe for his electric guitar.
toked a bit.
so is everyone going to know my deepest darkest secret now? ahahas. yeah well. im not a person with much to hide...
so anyway, what im really not happy bt is something 'silly' told me..
the big fat old silly, that my mei knows..
which for the record, there is nothing going on between me and pearly. huh.
..oh my gosh im so, so STUPID!
i know i promised not to say anything but i can't take it!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
..made quite a number of stupid mistakes in my life. especially associated with girls.
junice, i practically stalked her.
and probably ximin also.
yanlin i threw away the birthstone.
amanda tan..
hey that's one that's completely not my fault! yay!
okay back to it.
clarissa i probably pissed her off.
but this is the WORST.
well maybe stalking junice for almost 7 years was worst. but this one's pretty bad, all the same.
...maybe i didn't know quite how to be rational and 'cool' about my feelings. i never learnt how to do it. mm. cuz i was too busy dreaming about junice.
..so now that im learn-ed, ..NOW i can say OMGOSH.
how could i have been so stupid!?
actually i give advice to ppl like jj, and i used to matchmake a lot.
...so how come i broke all of the rules i set for others?
..damn hormones.
i cannot get over how stupid i was. and haha, if i end up apologizing...
i don't know what's going on...
something's happened in HIJACK.it's not jsut big. it's tragic. nobody knows who caused it.go see for yourself.but SFX is already on his way to stop.i know i am...you were there for me when i needed someone.
...i didn't want anything to happen. i didn't want to feel anything for you, to jeopardize our friendship. i ruined it all for us.
...i don't think you'll ever get to read this. but my attitude changing...it never actually did.
..i was just being indifferent.
now i understand.
...a little too late.
someday, I'm going to take a stroll down your life again, and when I do, it'll be much better then the first time...
ShadowFighterX
.Saturday, February 17, 2007 ' 2:28 PM Y
=x
Mood: Neutral..
Pretty much...
mm..yesterday was a gd day/
today? not so sure..
im suddenly waiting in anticipation. really want to feel the basketball slide off my fingertips..
training, training, training...
Mm..jerome says i overrated waik and tom huh? guess he should really play 3 on 3 with us more often. then again...
everyone's outta practice...
mm. jump shot.
is it just me, or am i very relaxed today?
just feel like playing bball.
huh..
ShadowFighterX
will blog again later..nothing better to do..
.Friday, February 16, 2007 ' 11:51 PM Y
=x
Mood: Slightly happy.
mm. dinner was gd...
new book is great (thanks joey!)
coffee bean voucher is great (thanks rach!)
chocolate is great (thanks joey! ..again.)
and everyone who wished me happy birthday is great! yay! ahahas.
mm. talked to jun a while ago...trying to arrange a match with the rv sec 3's..
which would really be interesting, wouldn;t it?
yeah well. i doubt the team is ready, but maybe if i torture them every chance i get, i can arrange the match in two weeks...
and we can drop by RV. =)
..hey, justin, benjamin. i found out who peiwen is!
lolz. try not to worry too much.
mm. my mood is weird isn;t it?
lately, with everything going on, even HIJACK,..things. are just weird.
but i figure i can manage everything by today.
and maybe i can feel slightly better...
i guess blogging helps relieve stress a little. im not afraid to say anything, and even secrets can be revealed cuz u all won;t understand them. ahahas.
went back to hpps today...
stayed with waik awhile..
waik wasn[t in the greatest mood. he went back early.
then toked to mrs leong, said hi to mrs ong and ms chua..
ms chua got promoted.
mrs leong was offered HOD a lot of times.
mdm yazilah is now principal of her own school.
interesting.
well jun and tom were overseas so they obviously weren;t at hpps..
left me bored awhile..in the end hung out with marion and edlyn..(or is it adyln?)
it was good talking to them and their friends. kinda fun, and a bit more worth it then just going to hpps and doing nothing..
so im grateful. not overly happy. but relatively.
kinda tired.
bball.
bball.
bball.
No. 1 one-on-one player...
ShadowFighterXbetter not oversleeps for bball b4 cg tomorrow...
.Thursday, February 15, 2007 ' 6:13 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..urrgh..
Today is the worst birthday ever.
Although I've only had fifteen, so it could be worse.
yeah well. being fifteen...
feels old to me. not a lot of diff to you peeps tho'.
I guess im proud of myself for several things. Not say arrogant bt it. But a bit happy bt it.
1. Didn't go around telling people that it was my birthday and demanding gifts.
2. Not killing someone over this frustrating day.
3.Not doing anything stupid on valentine's day. (first time!)
4. Playing a full-court game today...
Subhas injured his hand. So much for wanting to win. This is not how i wanted to win. honestly.
i feel a little guilty somehow. do pray for him. this time im trying not to be selfish.
and god, pelase forgive me for going to clarissa's and wee's blog. I couldn;t resist the temptation.
How is it I can't let go of the past? Do these people really mean that much to me?
well duh.
teacher forgot my b'day. nvm that. it's ok. but i just wish the bball team had been able to celebrate my birthday just once. it's just a little feeling...
mm..olivia's cake is fantastic. it must have cost a bomb. thanks! (although i doubt she'll see this)
the onlly gd thing bt today is that dinner smells fantastic. otherwise, later got to do 18 pages of chem.
yeah well. to top it off, jun is overseas, tom is overseas, not a lot of ppl going hpps tomorrow...
...
i found a new HIJACKER.it scares me...she does.ShadowFighterX
.Monday, February 12, 2007 ' 6:41 PM Y
=x
Mood: Stressed, tired, worried, anxious...
Tomorrow is going to be even more important than that match against hong kai.
I mean hongkai is something else. I know at my peak against his, I can beat him. It doesn't matter how many times I lose to him for fun.
Tomorrow..got a match with Subhas. Grudge, I think. We're signing a contract and all.
Today he was really pissed off..just becuz i was being honest? Go figure. I mean, I don't care about the team, but at least I have my reasons. If he doesn't like me not being loyal to the school team he really shouldn't take it out on me.
Which he did, incidentally. Kinda cooled down already. But the match is still going on..
I don't know what to do. We're signing a 'contract.' Loser acknowledges the winner is better...like..forever...?
I guess that compeitiveness bothers me, and I am worried if I l0se. Subhas is pretty confident in himself, his strength, his increased speed and defense...
He and I are supposed to be friends. Huh.
I guess...I'm just tired. Tired of having to lose and make a comeback all the time. But while I'd love to make a comeback and settle this once and for all, Im not sure if I can win.
Dear God,
I'll admit this is a very selfish prayer. But God, tomorrow's match is really important to me.
You once gave me a special gift in the form of something I could not recognize. It was basketball, through trying to impress Junice. Not once did I think then I would take it seriously.
But this is my talent now.
To me, it's all I have right now. Something I can believe that I can do, something that's a gift from you...
I used to believe that I was unbeatable. I don't now. God, you've given me this gift, and if you want to take it away, there's really nothing I can do about it...
But what i believe now, is that I can rely on you to accomplish anything. Winning subhas won't prove anything to him...or me. It'll only prove that you're with me, that you've blessed my life in whatever I do..that you exist, that you're ruling my life.
This whole thing is complicated and a personal matter, with probably nothing to do with you whatsoever. And yeah, correct me if that's wrong. if you would talk to me, to begin with.
God, I want to win so badly...just let the whole thing be over...
If I lost, God...would there be a purpose for it? Why am I even asking...?
...of course there would be.
But I just pray you'd let me win. You'll even claim all the glory...I have no more self-esteem as it is already...
Amen.
That's a horrible prayer.
But unfortunately, I'm just too frustrated to care aas much right now...
Trying to be a bit more sacrificial then usual..gonna train benjamin goh tomorrow.
he's a good kid, but i'm not sure why I'm doing this.
..I..just realized something...
Really..horrible...
Today...couldn't cope in chem class..so decided would revise it later ( which im obviously not doing, and won't do later cuz im too frustrated, worried and anxious)
and then I wrote down all the name of the girls I've liked b4.
11...12...?
Like...if you include Amanda Tan, Yanlin, Shimin, Clarissa...
..huh. then i thought about..like. why didn't i ever like someone else? Instead of Junice, why her of all girls? In all fairness, she did hate me most of primary school.
Obviously she had good reason to, but that's not the point. Immensely heartbroken, lots of traumatising experiences...
and it all made me a better person. mostly.
..so just thinking about these things..and thinking..
ida's hot, why did I never like her?
or my childhood friend nat? or even sabrina. no jj, not the one from SFX.
..and I realized, that I knew it all along, but it just hit home again.
I'm still in love with Junice Lim...?
(which automatically makes people groan or makes me a jerk, which ever one is closer, because i did fall for clarissa)
..wait. realized something ELSE.
the only other girl I've ever loved is Clarissa?!
Oh my GOSH.
and that almsot camee out as God.
I'm not going to use his name in vain. =)
..love is confusing.
ShadowFighterX
(please pray for me for the match tomorrow...helpful if u hoped i'd win..but if not just pray that everything goes well...even if i lose..that god has a purpose and plan..and all that...)
depressed.this feels familiar.haven't I felt like this for the past 7 years?
.Friday, February 09, 2007 ' 10:33 PM Y
=x
Tired...
Errgh..couldn't run more than 800m today..
then played ball with ben..then had tuition..then more bball training with tom and waikeat..
then did math, talked to pam..
very sian.
so much hw, so many things to do, so little time..
life is flying by really fast.
im not that social, but i figure i really need to make more friends..
yeah well. or i tot i could. huh.
so bored and tired..
maybe not everything in my life is crap..
but that thing..is all in my head..
is it..?ShadowFighterX
.Thursday, February 08, 2007 ' 10:00 PM Y
=x
Mood: Okay...
And the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control...
I forgot which verse that came from.
Huh. Virtues..are...virtues?
Gosh.
My running sucks!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!
SLOWED DOWN BY FREAKIN 14 WHOLE SECONDS.
iNJURED MY RIGHT LEG..
Crap larh.
how did I lose my speed, stamina and basketball skill all in one week?! My talents are dropping like flies!!
Just kidding. I'm so gonna make a comeback. As soon as that #^(@)*# right leg recovers, it's 2.4 everyday until i get below 8.30. so there.
and pretty much decided to go training once a week. that's up to teacher tho'.
Yeah..actually, i was content today. cept' for several things.
No. 1 is the running of course.
No.2 is the fact that I'm going to be so busy..I haven't had time for a haircut and stuff...got my team practice, might be having the sch team practice, that's two days out of a week. two tuitions, that's four. sat is whole day, that's five. sunday got study grp, that's six.
ohcrapionlyhavefreetimeonfriday.
how did
i ever get myself in this web?!
..well at least now i can convince myself i shouldn't be attached becuz im so busy..
real comforting.agendas are to suceed in virtually everything.
..mm. with the HIJACK stuff simmering down significantly, i might actually be happier soon..
but..there are still things on my mind...like that thing...
it's sadness.
..huh. a thought came into my mind. something like 'coolness can be redefined.'
i don't know what brought that up.
So tired after the run...soo killing myself right now.
and btw, how come almost everyone doesn't know my birthday?!
ah well. not everyone cares. besides, im guessing i forgot your birthdays too. heh.
really hate that my birthday has to be the day after that stupid 'special' day...
and all sorts of boring speeches on it too...
and now physics test on that day also...
...what i really want to be...
if i lost everything, like my ability to play basketball?
like running?
like rock climbing...
okay all the sport that i rock in.
and my revolver shooting...
and arcade games abilities..
wow. i do have more talents than i thought.
well teacher was right to think bt stuff i've accomplished.
HAH. i finished time crisis 4 like two days after it came out!
..flashbacks pouring in rapidly...
...yanlin. clarissa. ximin.
...yeah flashbacks.
...huh. I guess I am a pretty bad fink.
...amanda tan, ms ang.
...all that to get over junice?
..well clarissa technically wasnt.
..what the heck. doesn't matter anymore.
hah. convinced myself im not an entire loser.
besides, im a girl repeller.
later.
ShadowFighterX
(anyone wants to be my 2.4km partner? can run every single day after school..) ;)
.Wednesday, February 07, 2007 ' 6:12 PM Y
=x
Mood: Well..
I noticed my moods are no longer specific. not a lot of point putting them there.
anyway.
lost to hong kai 6-7. after all my determination and my prayers. haiz.
then i made him a deal that if he beat me again, i would go back on the bball team.
he lost 7-1.
I don't understand it..how come I couldn't play my best against him the first time...how come he seems harder to beat than subhas now...
how come he couldn't win even when i said i would come back if he did?
how come he used these words 'you live in your own little world'..he was never even capable of using idioms!
how come...?
Hongkai, Subhas, Weng Siang, Joshua Lim...are probably the best players my age I've known. Singaporean, at least. well, weng weng's not counted..ahahas..
i've got less experience than hong kai, and weaker than subhas..but amazingly, i guess God has really helped me overcome again. words can't describe how distraught i was losing the first time.
al my energy was gone.
talked to teacher. at last.
i guess depending on her..is my fault, not hers. at least, i can finally admit that. I don't know how to not depend on her, but...
finding yourself..is a slow process..=(
who exactly is luke ho? He's been so many different kinds of people...
i don't know.
i've decided that God is mysterious and just plain weird. Apart from knowing what he is doing yes, loving yes, etc yes, but weird.
I don't understand ANYTHING that just happened. happy yes. understand? no.
for basketball, if i don't have the opportunity to train as much as the team...in order to keep up, i suppose i am trying to train at least once a week with them, whether i like it or not..it's a good experience, and hey, i figure i might change my mind bt the whole thing.
even without wee, huh?
this is really how it ends. or begins. it sucks..but..
I met a cool guy called benjamin today. or more like the other day..but whatever. didn' even know his name then. now he and i know each other a little bit. im really scared i insulted his mum. OMGOSh.
anyway, quite grateful he was there, otherwise i would have tried to kill hongkai or myself on the spot. huh. it was hard, losing to hong kai like that. i needed both him and teacher to talk me out of doing anything stupid..although i truly doubt they knew i was going to do something stupid.
clarissa and wee still not talking anyway.
..i guess, im not concerned anyway. 'it's their choice.'
no soft drinks till after cross country.
goals for this year are to:
1. beat subhas and hong kai and weng siang. yeah.
2. win cross country; again.
3. improve on chem and physics
4. impress ms ang with my superb math..ahahas. just kidding. but the math is a must. yeah hah.
5. mm. improve stamina. 2.4km must be below 9min, at least 8:30..if not less..gotta start training for it!!
6. pull-ups must NOT fail. must get at least 3 out of 5 points. otherwise will not get gold for NAFA. meh.
7. resist getting attached.
8. hoping i get along better with my family and friends...
if anyone is worried, don worry. this order is not in any order whatsoever. obviously, i don have priorities right.
worry bt THAT later, huh...
I need to be the best.You don't know why. The point is.I have to be the best. I will be the best.It's something I can do.ShadowFighterX
.Tuesday, February 06, 2007 ' 9:23 PM Y
=x
Mood: Yeah well...
wee just sent me something. first words in 3 weeks, and that's pretty much it.
first reaction is to get very pissed off. i don't need to be your friggin neighbour and stuff. gosh, how arrogant can you possibly get? you 'choose not' to talk to me for three weeks and then you come up with this? and then you use God's name. get a life.
second reaction is the whatever reaction. the 'i can't be bothered anymore because i just lost to hongkai again due to my crappy compromise and crappy shoes and im still thinking about it..and clarissa hates me more than you now and i can't be bothered with you' reaction.
the third one is going on now. but well. its not as hostile as the other two. I asked God about what God told wee, and I...(at least, after i cooled down)
..I guess I'm really not concerned anymore. What happens next in my life is really whatever God has in store for me, and whether it's horrible defeat in basketball to being the No.1 player, or lousy academic achievement to the opposite, or broken friendship...to brotherly love, I don't know.
For me, wee, the thrill in my life, my mindset is that the thrill in my life is not knowing what's going to happen and getting frustrated at it, because the whole time God has it under control. To be over-emotional and worried and to ponder about something bad or about someone you love...and when God comes through, the feeling is amazing. That's pretty much why i do things, without all that much fear of the consequences. I believe that one way or another, it will be handled, it can be controlled, and if I'm the one to do it...Maybe I suffer a little more because of that, but...
I do choose a lot of bad times to be weak in faith.
Oooh. Chinese teacher busted me for not signing the crappy paper..what the heck, he didn't call mum in the end. oh well. and speaking of mum. she was so horribly moody today i felt like breaking something...
yeah well that's over now.
training tomorrow. im not too estatic this time..the guys got ATP till 3.30..and i have to beat hong kai and subhas before that timeframe to feel good about myself.
...i guess another confession is that i really miss teacher. And clarissa. not that she comes here anymore, and now that all of her spiritual family has blogs, it was easy to set up that invitation thing. oh well.
i guess i don't bear a grudge anymore. although it kinda pains me that she really hates me now, or at very least, can't be bothered with me anymore. people jsut don't reflect on the good times you spend with them. wee didn't. clarissa didn't. yeah well.
People come and go, and sometimes, as teacher told me once in sec 1 when i first started to talk to her, it's touch and go. they just come into your life for a certain purpose and you drift away from them for some weird reason. come to think of it, caleb told me the same thing.
heck, im drifting away from everyone. bad enough im a girl-repeller, i don't need to be a touch-and-go guy now, do i?!
so is it so wrong to say that nobody loves me? well, except God, but a lot of comfort that does. that's one of the main problems of my christian life, i don't understand or recognize God's love in my life. like my home, my family, friends...they're there because of him, and im grateful. but when they start to drift away, is that like..taking away his love?
oh well.
not a lot of people come here anymore, so I'll say this...
every selfless thing i've done in primary school, and the few selfless things i've done here...it was all because I truly believed, that God loves you. Those times, I felt God didn't love me, so it was pretty much better me then you.
God loves you, and you can experience his love.
...it's weird coming from a guy who thinks that God doesn't love him as much, but I guess that would be because I don't rely on God as much as before, I become engrossed with my basketball, my social life, my academic life...it's sad and pretty wasted actually. so we'll see how it goes...
a covenant here...if i beat subhas, hongkai, wengsiang..joshua...for the rest of my time in secondary school..then i promise God, and to you guys, that I will spend all that basketball time, devoting myself to training my team and devoting myself to please him with the talent he has given me.
If I win tomorrow, it will change everything for me...
The people who affected my life most, who made me who I am...all those from my novels ShadowRealm and ShadowFighterX, and the GEP classes in HPPS, my church guys and gals you know who you are, my teachers who mean more than teachers to me, my ex-classmates who touched my life..anyone i missed out...
This is who you have made me. I don't regret it. It's the ride that counts, not how thrilling it is or how much it sucks.
I guess most of you can feel his love rather than me. take that step.
later.
ShadowFighterX
.Monday, February 05, 2007 ' 8:32 PM Y
=x
Mood: uh huh.
Okay tests are killers. But I'm grateful, I suppose. because now i know, sin or no sin, im getting baptised. no turning back.
i mean, im not perfect.
but compromis onlygets in the way.
boy, if i had played against subhas or weng xiang today i would probably win or do a lot better..my form was like..96% of my best? Only after school though. During school I just sucked cuz of my blisters and my punctured ball.
I really feel like I'm getting better sportsoms-wise..but my studies are kinda worrying...
yeah well.
tomorrow got to go one-on-one with subhas larh. have to make myself feel better or worse somehow. whatever it takes.
so tired. going to study later, i guess.
..oh yeah, chem test totally screwed up. i wonder how to get my chinese and chem signed...
..some days you just can't win.
another thing is that i realized im forcing the ppl to train on V-day! oh crap! im going to be missing so many players or i just won't feel like playing. who knows. ah well. =( meh.
training is important. *steadfast grin*
you all better not pangseh me. my team!
No. 11: Luke
No. 6: Tomson
No. 4: Waikeat
No. 9: Benjamin
No. 12: Jerome
No.7: Justin
Nic, Si Min and shimin haven't asked them bt jerseys yet..
yeah well. SFX going a bit more smoothly now.
last thing is that im facing a problem i didn't think id have.
financial probs! ahhhhh!!
keith hasn't returned my $20..and i owe dad $60, and need $99 for the jerseys for the guys...
omgosh..running out of quote kat or one of teacher's daughters..
ka-ching.
god, help me.
ShadowFighterX
( tom is going to teach me electric guitar soon!)
(or more like he'd better.)
.Sunday, February 04, 2007 ' 1:19 AM Y
=x
Mood: Meh.
Okay so things in the morn were total crap. my contacts broke apart in my hands, had to wear specs, then no time to play bball, and when i finally did i sucked like crazy. what the heck is with that?! ah well. ..that's not all, but the detials are so little that id rather not type it. stuff bt rushing.
SS and Lit. tests on monday..probably got math also..
loads of hw..haven;'t got time to complete..
maybe it's i just i can';t be bothered anymore...
feeling just abandoned and lonely. maybe it's a usual thing, but people shouldn't think that. it's not as if i don't need love or affection.
stupid wee. and his family. and stuff. hate it when he's happy. im not even going to pretend i don't know. i mean seriously, if that's the way it's gonna be...
darn it. i've got to fight back. i've got to prove to myself that i can do anything i want to if i try hard enough, like being the best one-on-one bball player there ever was or will be, finish my novel..get through sec 3...win cross country..there are just so many things i need to do with the life i have now, and it seems that God has no intention of letting me get these things without all sorts of insignificant stuff getting in the way. maybe it's a test. who knows?
..i hate being lonely. maybe it's not a loneliness issue. painful memories brought back these past few days. especially of happy memories which turn into sad ones because i know im never going to have those memories with those people.
1. Subhas. 2. Weng Siang 3. Hong Kai 4. Joshua 5. Lewis 6. Hiro 7. Jason
So in no order whatsoever, the 7 best players my age i've ever knwon. that i have to beat entirely. goal time. and hiro isn't my age, but i wanna beat him anyway. maybe im better than him now. got to pull out all the stops. know
invincible.Ah ma's birthday today. Dinner was not very filling. chinese restaurant, whaddya expect me to eat? a little duck, cake and steam fish. and two cans of sprite. and free karoake. a little embarassing, but so much fun. much more selection of english songs then k-box. they really out to get one of those systems in the restaurant installed in the k-box thing.
Lately, been a bit worried bt pearly..meh. i just wonder how she can go through all of that heartbreak crap. not going to say i know how that feels. quote yifeng, 'iwasn't even attached to her' ..like i wasn't attached to junice, but well.
I guess it's the way you view love. Like when younger, lots of mean ppl kept mocking me bt loving junice, yeah..but the truth is, when they get to this age, then they know. of course, they convieniently forget they mocked me as a kid, which became pretty traumatizing for me, but when i see them in their pathetic heartbroken state it someone reminds me of me, and i don have the heart to be all that mean to them.
maybe im not all that evil. huh.
im a good person. i can love someone. my love tank is not 'empty'. nobody judges that. nobody decides that. pathetic, lonely and desperate, yes, but definetely not incapable of loving.
like my parents, my friends aren't there?
i don want to love them in the same way i would love
her. that would just be weird and pretty wrong. so yeah. a little explaination/confession on my part.
it's so wrong to be upset that the people around you are so, so happy...
..but if i could just get one thing in life that would keep me happy forever, that would be it.
i hate to say it, but maybe what im looking for just can't be in God.
Putting it bluntly, God doesn't fulfill my needs. I don't feel a desire to love him as i once did, and fail to love him also as i once did.
Not anymore.
...and i question baptism again.
still got to go for those classes one way or another.
stupid emotions, always leave you confused and hurt and get in your way...ShadowFighterX
.Friday, February 02, 2007 ' 6:06 PM Y
=x
Mood:..well.
so much for invincible.
lost to subhas today! ahhhhhh!!
not counted, small ball ,too light...
excuses excuses.
not intense...
okay, a lot of excuses.
but still disappointed for some reason. i think cuz i was like. underestimating him. so afte losing, i feel downright stupid.
beat weng weng after that. =) and weng weng beat subhas so...grand champion of all time is still me!!!!!!!!
yeah right. =(
but well. nice to know i can keep up with them. now alli have to do is have that little intense stamina egde (which i do already)
the thing about this, is that in any fair one-on-one, even subhas would admit i could beat him, weng siang, hongkai and even joshua.
but when is it ever fair? either party can be too tired..or injuries..
crap larh. i hate always getting injured..
anyway. saw caroline with mr and mrs ang as i left school. wonder where they went. oh well.
..maybe life is looking upside, but i really want to win in all aspects of my life. remembering to rely on God is not on easy to forget but bad for my inner pride ( which is good) ..and well. it's hard. being a christian is harder than i thought. resisting vulgarities too.
..okay now i have hundreds and hundreds of blisters.
and clarissa has that stupid password invitation thing that i can't access. hmmph.
ah well. it was fu nfor a while.
being Luke Ho is not great.
but well. getting better.
with or without you.
ShadowFighterX
someone i hate, is really hard to get out of my mind because she's also someone i loved.
.Thursday, February 01, 2007 ' 6:19 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..huh.
so it's gonna be me is officially my new favourite song for this month. or old. whatever.
firstly, my congratulations to clarissa. she managed to insult me a LOT without using the f* word once. im not really sure how you can do that. let's quote a bit.
okay forget that.
im not all that mean and cruel and sadistic and cynical...
that is, in a another reality.
in this one, i'll just stick to payback.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
sigh.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...since when did you care anyway?
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
you hate me.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
god.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
im not sure whether i hope u change ur mind.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
i dunno what to say or do
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
let me do smth ive never done b4
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
..okay.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
maybe tall not do
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
tell
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
tell not to do?
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
just do it.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
i've got nothing to lose.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
and i doubt you do.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
i have
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
i have lots to lose
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
like..?
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
clarissa.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
like my pride.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
yes?
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
....
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
i don't want you to lose anything.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
so you can keep quiet.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
okay?
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
it's anything.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
it doesn't concern me.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
you hate me.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
wait.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
let me tell you something
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
nono. ask kat to tell you.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
....you won't tell me yourself because?
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
i will lose my pride.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...fair enough.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
has she told u anything yet?
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...a little.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
what did she say
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
..you liked me from the beginning.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
as much as i'd love to know when that is.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
DONt TALK ABOUT THAT TO ME
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
im not going to press it.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
sorry.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
my life is over.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
forget it.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
i got no more face to go out
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
my life ended a while ago.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
it's okay.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
im never going out again.
yeah for whoever doesn't understand this, it' just spells retribution.
and of course, cheap plain meanness.
got 18/20 for the e math test..not yet, but soon...
so math is doing really well. =) im grateful.
in fact, im practically owning wee at math now, which is a delight becuz he creamed me last year.
it's only a delight when you're not talking to him. i mean seriously. i try talking to him. u don wanna be friends at least say hi. arrogant pig.
so i figure if we could be close friends we can be arch enemies too. hehe. rivalry has always spurred me on.
i mean, do i really need him?
..i don't know.
there's a lot of memories he doesn't want to cherish. so neither will i.
teacher sure is busy. ...definetely no time for me. so i give up. i get to say this 3 times at least. before i finalise. okay?
dinner was okay. the aunty thought i couldnt eat two packs of chicken rice. what a joke.
kinda tired. been thinking of new ways to improve in bball..and thinking how exactly to study and finish all my hw on time, i still wonder.
..well, clarissa said not to mention her name at all, but i think i will.
I think I may still love you.
..well maybe not love.
maybe you were right. that i don know love, and all.
but i could have done so many nasty things by this time, im lost..i don't know why i haven't done any of those things yet. except for above of course. i still have a dark side, you know.
you brought it out..
so im stumped.
ShadowFighterX
This I promise you.And I will take youIn my armsAnd hold you right where you belongTill the day my life is throughThis I promise you