Mood: ..oh.

clarissa moved her blog again.
huhhuh. im really not a likeable person. 'wonder why'.
..let's see..
didn't have much to do..finished homework and decided i was too lazy to study...
so i slacked...caught a glimpse of a dvd on my table.
New Town vs SAS, final match. we lost that day, ISIBL. the beginning of the end for me.

namely my leg.

yeah well.
i got so many assists that day, so many points...
it is one-on-one after all. and in all modesty, i am the best at that.
clearly not helping a real team play though.

i guess what i really wanted is for everyone to count on me, not to call my name so that i would pass to them. to have them know, that i can make the shot, to have them know, that i can do it. that kind of faith makes sure that i can.
and maybe a little on the confidence thing.

i really don know when im going to ask for my ring back. maybe never. i can never truly be happy, because 'these accomplishments won't fill me..'
well. sad but true.
maybe i've been listening too much..to what teacher said, wee said...
i don wanna remember the past anymore. it's a psychological thing to feel abandoned. feelings do not make reality.
but im not a same person.
..it's different. complicated. gosh, i hate that..

to me, it's simply that they've forgotten me. that i might as well never have existed.
i guess im truly not good enough for anyone.

got so pissed off during recess.
at least show me a little respect. but no. huh. i've had it. what, just because i play during recess means you can? don't waste my time. if you must, at least have some manners.
of course, this is not directed at some people. but honestly. manners. really. ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find.
blah blah blah.

SAS just scored again. i look in my background, and my hair is terrible, and im praying the shot doesn't fall. so embarassing. im such a geek person like thing. no wonder im a girl repeller. huh.

math test got 18/20. so careless. in all fairness, could have gotten full marks. sakthi is a total math genius. how the heck does he do it?
at least my postion in math class is moving.
i have got to see whether im doing this because of ms ang or not. i cannot afford to be distracted anymore by my delusional feelings.

so emoti0nally stressed.
...how do i talk to her?
ShadowFighterX

Next week, training is on wednesday. got that, peeps?

Mood: well..

so training was okay today.
beginning of day was really stress..my right eye kept bugging me and in the end i lost both my contacts, so i was like. half-blind for the whole day?!
it really sucked.
kinda pretty much in a bad mood that time larh. also have a lot of things to think bt.
like math test tomorrow.

i decided to give up on wee larh. so had it. it's not worth it liao.
such a pain and waste of my time...

still didn't forget memories larh..so just in all fairness to him, i never forgot the times we had in bball, the one-on-ones especially, and the times when you defended me.
...yeah that's fair.

gosh clarissa, please don tell me you keep changing your blog address becuz i keep finding it. it's not as if i stalk you. it's there, and i read it. it's called a BLOG.
maybe that's mean.
what the heck. you are.

im sitting next to MADELINE, for crying out loud. i mean seriously.
well, teacher has better things to do with her time, like looking out for wee and the rest, and obviously since im in conflic with him, she has to take his side eventually right?
..since they're closer now then i was.
whatever. coldness and darkness is evident.

i am that cold.
god, i feel evil. i feel neglected somehow, even though it's silly. i need some sort of fling to get away from it all. to do something that i know i will regret. then to cry and moan about it. yeah, that'll really liven up my world.
i don't know.
HIJACK..

math test tomorrow. im worried. pray pray pray.
..huh. confused whether baptism now is the right timing..again..im not perfect, but this is ridiculous.
obviously, if you judge me you will get your ass kicked horribly.

ms ang didn;'t come today, so not much math practice..but no hw..whether its a good or bad thing remains to be seen.
nobody really cares anyway.

basketball one-on-one..i've reached the standard where i've grown another level. i can practically consider myself demi-invincible now. one-on-one, no one can stop me.
haven't tried my new skills on weng siang yet tho. subhas and hong kai have already.

still, i need to improve..really wanna..i jsut want to cope with everything i need to in life...
..im tired, as always.
sometimes im feelin alone again. sitting next to madeline, with no friends anywhere too close. no wonder olivia felt sad and bored.
hell, im sad and bored.
better her then me, huh. people in this school,,new town..i don think many ppl believe luke ho can actually do something selfless for anyone anymore.
..you don't know me.

I've had it with people judging me.
need to find that girl from fairfield.
M.I. all over again. this time, it's all out solo.
here we go.
ShadowFighterX

Mood: ...oh.

Yeah! Ripped nan's Nsync cd to this com...
really sound good. huh.

anyway...
i think mrs alison cheong favours me..ahahas...well. not really larh. but she's really nice to me larh, for which i truly am grateful for. why, you ask?

cuz im sitting next to madeline now. and while some people ACTUALLY realize my sacrifice and selflessness (lolz!) others just think that i wanna sit next to madeline..tok behind my back...some parts funny. others pissing off.

okay, so blogging vulgarities isn't the smartest thing you can do. huh.
but my patience has waned. so i couldn't really care less about wee.

i mean, everyone may think im wrong, and i think im wrong too, but can't someone PLEASE look it from my point of view and say that he's a little teeny witty bitty JUDGEMENTAL?!
BUT nooooooo.....

ah what the heck.
anyway, i hope that i can get used to sitting next to madeline larh. the girls are pretty nice, but i haven't talked so much to them yet...i don think they'll be much time for socializing this year, but im hoping they'll at least be my friends larh. yeah..?

making a comeback in basketbal. i hope.
tomorrow got training...
]nick, yes you're excused if u wanna be..
later.
ShadowFighterX

Math is soooo difficult..

Once you have loved, You will always love. For what's in your mind may escape,But what's in your heart will remain forever.

...yeah that's from ximin's blog.
So, surprising news.
I'm getting baptized.

yeah. i guess it's more like..finally...
i haven't been so sure what to do with my life...but i guess, it's about time i realized i gave my life away already.
that the old luke ho is pretty much dead.
no matter how good or bad he was then.

..mm. listening to westlife now. stuff which is really nice...
Like "I lay my love on you...'
'If I let you go'
"My love'
'UpTown girl.."
ahahas.

..furthermore. did a bit of studying today...
math is just too hard lah.

but the rest of the hw completed. so that's pretty good, yeah?
huh. i don't actually know.
someone saw this blog and told grace, joan and wanting bt it. so they asked me bt stuff. lolz.
then went tom's place..study...play bball..then went to gym with waikeat..im so out of shape larh. did 1 km very fast...but then BURNOUT! it sucks!

maybe should go for middle distance writing so i don seem so sucky. hehe.
mm.
And SFX is taking forever...

stuff as usual..
today isn't a bad day, i suppose.
later.

they say when you sin, it stops's god's blessings from reaching you...
what the heck am i doing?

ShadowFighterX
Tuesday got training peeps. prepare for sheer torture.
..but do keep in mind this is good for you.

Mood: nuh-huh.

tot teacher said she was very tied up. i guess otherwise.
not like it matters now though. not a lot of ppl care bt Luke Ho.

so anyway.
can someone please help me with my links?

well that doesn't bring a lot of people coming.
seriously wondering what the HECK keith is doing...not that anyone knows since i didn't mention it...

saw ximin today. oh gosh, she looks so so beautiful. so so...ooohhh........gosh.
...let's never say that again cuz i don like her anymore.

sooo tired of stuff..
im trying to solve ppls problem's agains. being a hero. ahaha.
i think that's really what im meant to do in life. who knows, if i keep doing it i'll die early.
..so yeah.
hope everything goes well.
later.
ShadowFighterX

PS; Thanks waikeat who volunteered to help mi type..

Mood: ..well. short post.
.oo. everyone just hates me today.
first, clarissa made it pretty clear that. well. whatever. i don't really know anymore. not that i ever stopped feeling anything for her. but it gets annoying.

and wee. kinda made it obvious apologizing wasn't going to solve the prob, huh? he's judgemental. how'd you like it if i told him he was a lousy christian for not being able to forgive? bet he'd like that.
tough luck, anon.

and teacher and i havent been talking...
and olivia and i are switching places...i don't even know why im doing it...im a more-or-less good person, but good enough to switch to sit next to MADELINE? I don't know.

ms ang asked me if i was okay...just looking at her..is hard enough. my mind goes haywire, and i sure can't fake a smile. peh.

bball is going pretty...stagnant...
maybe this week was too gd to last larh.

heh. =( it's kinda expected. im not disappointed...
..i guess, i don't know what to do now.

..someone's got to help me get my links working.
ShadowFighterX

Mood: Ow.
BAck still hurts.
Okay, first things first.
SFX is taking a long time.
Nicholas might be going overseas after june hols! =(
..mm. tai tsun and ben still not getting along...
think tom and jerome will become gd frens soon..haha...
and lastly.
clarissa, she kinda knows already. i had to go for COUNSELING you know. so she knows. which is probably why we barely make eye contact.
..and if you do tell her, and i find out. i will have my revenge. seriously.
...what were you crying about anyway? hope you're feeling better.
if you tell her, i'll change that to a 'not'. =)

so anyway.
no homework! phew! finally. we've had more math homework from ms ang over the past month than we've had over the past YEAR.
except maybe a little english and stuff. it's complicated.
and for the record, im not perverted. at the very least, trying not to be. so there.
im fifteen this year. whaddya expect?

...wee still not talking to me. no. NO WAY. i refuse to lose. yep.
which is kinda proud? i dunno.

sfx is still going real slow. it's like. already have the plot. but then nd to edit a lot of things...type out a lot of things....kinda long and troublesome.
need to HIRE someone..

..tired.
im getting everything i nd these past few days. thanks to God.
im grateful. don't get me wrong.

..but something's missing.
..so i decided.
the first thing, after wearing contacts today, is that im not a total nerd. so instead of whining about how i have no girlfriend, im going to..like. freshen up, maybe?
get rid of the pimples...
maybe the hair style change a little..
ahahas.
that should be interesting.

later.
ShadowFighterX

Mood: okay.

back. pain. OWW.
anyway, today's training went well larh. i must say, they were a lot more cooperative than I thought. hopefully everyone can come next training..
legs hurt...cuz walked with tom from sp all the way back home..wahh...at least saved cash..ahahas...

mm. letssee.
um. wore contacts to school today. trying to do that tomorrow as well. and the day after that. it's just that, they take so long to put on...
..and if i didn't know better i'd say i was falling for my bitterly cute, beautiful, sexy form teacher.
again.

stupid hormones.
...i just realized something tragic.
shimin and i lasted. first 2 days. then like. dunno. a month or two?
yanlin and i were frens from april to july..like....3 months?
amanda tan and i were frens for... dunno. two months.
clarissa and i were frens for... dunno. um. less than two months. ahahas.
no. that's not funny. =( actually the way we started talking was strange enough.
i am such a loser.
in fact, im a girl-repeller! i repel girls! oh gosh. i suck!
...this, sucks. not me. nooooo.

..i have no girlfriend. sigh.
not that i need one or am supposed to have one. huh. but. well.
she cried today...wonder what that was all about...
teacher's hand is scalded...pleez pray for her. =(

math is just getting. well. this..
it's complicated.

later.
ShadowFighterX

To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
clarissa.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
you're right.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
i don't know what true love is.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
i know i am
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...but i don't believe in crushes. or infatuation.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
pure love should be loving. on wanting someone else's happiness, pure unselfish love.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
infatuation??? too chim. hello???
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
..crushes based on physical attraction.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
i know you're not happy with me.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
so if you can be happy..
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
well.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
im learning.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
why do u think im not happy with you?
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
becuz you hate me.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
just in case you forgot.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
oh ya
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
i forgot.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...it's okay.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
i'll just keep reminding you so that you'll have more satisfaction out of remembering than i will.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
:)
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
anyway. about the pact.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...about the pact.
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
since uve finally sorted EVERYTHING out,
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
so we can go ahead with my plan.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...does that really make you happy?
舞娘`` this is girl world. says:
short term , no. long term , maybe
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
...
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
just be sure.
To a new beginning. To a quicker end. Kage Shadow says:
please.

I'm torturing myself.
I'm killing myself.
Oh gosh.

Maybe I'm not allowed to post that on top? But well. Just a little taste of how i felt. so ppl know but no one knows toooooo much. yeah.
..sadly.
torturing. myself. if anyone wants the rest of this conversation, you can have it. i can't keep it anymore. except i can't delete it either. too hard.

anyway, today went for that 3 on 3 thingy thing thing. so kinda fun..just that i played miserably..
improving at accuracy ever so slightly.
chem and ss and english all in ONE day tomorrow...not sure whether i can take it..just blogging to relax..
talked to gloria and tom bt how i feel bt things lately..feel like ive learned a few things these past few days larh. hopefully i won't forget.
waik couldn't come for study grp. =(

...it's one of those days, you want to be committed to someone you love, other then your friends, your family.
...the sudden desire to get attached...
is evil.

Mood: =)

Well, almost happy.
Stuff went well at church today. huh. I guess I really know what people think of me, huh?
Good or bad, I'm still confused.

Mei wrote me a note. It means a lot to me. Thanks.
And to those who tagged my blog, thanks. yeah..
I'm really running out of words to say.
blood diamond was nice. =)
tomorrow..or more like in 8 hours time, since now it's 1 am...
got match. don't ask./

something I decided to do.
take care peeps. thanks to those for you-know-what and stuff.
later.

of course, clarissa moved her blog address again, so im not exactly happy about THAT. it's not as if im some crazy stalker, right?
...and that's when you raise an eyebrow.

Mood: Well. Here it it.

So...
Stopped writing SFX for a while. Too many tests next week, and JunXiang is a total monster. lolz.
And..had played the one on one with subhas.
After an all out match, which was rather physical...
I won. I prayed that I'd win, I hoped I'd win, I had trained to win, and I won.
You should know how I feel.
But you don't. Cuz I'm miserable.

..yeah well. God was why I won. I sure didn't win it by myself. I had been playing so much longer than him, my decreased stamina should have killed me on the court. But it didn't. Supernatural.

But it's when I won, and saw the look on Subhas' face when I accidentely hit him on that last shot...I really felt sad. I still feel sad. I think I almost cried. And it means so much, I'm really not ashamed to admit it right now.
I think my eyes are opened.

God, what was I turning into..?
...I lost myself. I lost the goodness of anything. Every single day, thanks to HIJACK, I have to fight a battle in my mind, but this is ridiculous.
...I lost my heart.

Maybe the whole 8 year thing with Junice shook me up bad, because I don't trust at all. That it sticks in my mind...and im emotional, sensitive and afraid to be hurt.
Big deal.

God. I can't believe I lost wee. Wee and I have been through wayyy too much for any of this to happen. I mean, wee has always been this judgemental anyway, and I've always listened but never taken it seriously anyway, so why the hell did I choose now of all times to be angry at him? Does he think I didn't care about our friendship at all?
and alternatively, I could be very wrong about this.

and teacher. ...sigh. i told her. i knew what was going to happen, and I couldn't do anything. I really don't blame her if she's lost all faith in me. but i think i need her now more than ever.

and clarissa. i mean, she has every right not to care about me. i have no idea how to talk to her nowadays, im irritating and im silly.
..crap, i just wanted so much to be her silly...

Oh gosh, I'm crying. these f****** tears just won't stop. i hate it.
subhas just sent me and sms. i think my guilt level just went up a notch.
I need to be forgiven.

ShadowFighterX

Mood: ..miserable. angry. disappointed in being me.

Cheered up a little.
I mean, a little. seriously.
so..wore myself out today. and lost to subhas TWICE, because i had no energy.
I'm either very good at making excuses for myself or I'm out of shape.
..but i admit it larh. im really out of shape, and my fear level is higher because i've been so pissed off these days that even taking off my glasses doesn't increase my abilities now.
...I need to learn some new techniques. To take advantage of my speed...
But my stamina sucks.
ARRGH.

my mind is so not focused on my studies.
oh yarh. the training...was cancelled, cuz i was stupid enough to hold it in school...
..yeah..things didn't go quite as planned..but not bad larh...all of the players can play a little...
if only there was someone to teach me...

I'm going to make a prayer now. A selfish prayer, but a prayer nonetheless.
And if God answers this prayer, I'm going to never, ever, relate to my past again.
...And my request is to help me be the best I am.
Teacher told me, that not being the best doesn't make me not good.
But I'm not good if I'm not the best.
I've had it with losing in the things that matter most to me. I have no social life ( as in, this time not just including a girlfriend, but all sort of other things as well) and I hate losing in basketball. Anything but losing one-on-one.
There is no room for compromise. Once the best, always the best.
I don't care anymore.

..This thing is not about God. This is about me, and what I want.
And finally, I can admit that. it's pathetic, but what the hey.
I want to be the best. And god never seems to do that for me. Is that so wrong? It's just this thing.
Of course, the part of 'giving your whole life to God' does make me feel a little guilty.
So I've decided.
After my leg heals from that really painful cramp, I'm going to challenge Subhas one-on-one.
I'm going to train for it, build up my stamina, and my strength.
And if I lose, I'm never going to play basketball on a school team again.
I'm never going to care about how pathetically I play on the court.
I'm never going to care if I lose.
...because I just can't.

I just can't keep getting clobbered by everything around me. I care too much about things not worth caring about.
God, I want to win.
And I know I can't win without you, because I'm helpless by my own might.
So...can you help me win?

..huh. not exactly a prayer.
But I'm tired. If life as a Christian is going to be like this, with a horrible past, HIJACK, not being able to cope with studies and sports, I don't want any part of it.
...I'm just so, so, so, so, tired of being clobbered. Of being put down.

Wee's ignoring me. I try to be a little better and be nice to him, but what do I get? huh.
forget it. I'm not even going to tell him I like the song. it's nice, and hell freeze over before he ever knows that.
and teacher read this, because otherwise she wouldnt know nuts. she's on his side and stuff. i guess. she probably likes him better. he doesn't blast people on HIS blog. so much for all the support and stuff. I'm never ever going to get my ring back.and just in case she reads this and really doesn't like me for everything and is on wee's side, I'll just say this.
I hate you for it. (this clearly only applies if aboe is true.)
Because...
Of because. Screw that. Forget it.

God,
I hate life.
I hate living.
I hate it when everyone else is smiling but I'm not cuz I don't know how to smile.
I hate happiness. It's so unreliable, and temporary.
I hate it all.
Nobody loves me. Nobody cares.
Apparentely you do, but haha. I take it for granted.
This is not love.

..now I feel lousy.
One day at a time.

Mood: ...

So how come nobody encourages me anymore?
Hmm. Maybe because I sure as hell don't encourage anyone without abosolutely wanting to.
New Town really sucks more than ever.

I've really isolated myself from the world. People either hate me, backstab me or dislike me to a certain extent. Let alone love me? Ahaha.
Hmm.

Life sure isn't worth living nowadays.
Let's face it. Worthless. Everything is so worthless.

Maybe it's just because I feel I've lost teacher to wee. I mean. What the hell.
Is there no one I can look for support now?

Screw that.
I'm damn tired. And I shouldn't be. I'm tired of feeling tired.
So I've decided. I don't trust my heart anymore. Nor anything or anyone.
I'm so sick of being trodded on. To choose not to love and be trodded on.
To choose to love and still be trodded on.
It's selfish, but I can probably easily say that I've never felt physically or emotionally comforted. At least. Not those which matter. My parents hug me, but most of the time they're the reason why I need a hug to begin with.
l.o.l.

pathetic.
so pathetic.
tomorrow's school.
just great.

and you give yourself away.
with or without you.
I can't live. with, or without you.

ShadowFighterX

...
So tired.
Who the heck is that anon guy anyway?

..whew.
coolled down. still not happy. abstaining from f words though.
Sometimes, I jsut wonder what my life is going to be like.

...at first. i wonder how people would look at me if they knew my past.
but then i realized. i've hung on to the past for so long i can't look ahead.
maybe life back then was better. or worst, in certain cases. huh..
but well. im done.

need to find myself again.
ShadowFighterX

I'm so tired.
So sick and tired of decisions..decisions..
I really regret bringing up the stupid cca point thing.
now teacher thinks i don wanna quit.
i mean, i need the cca points, but how badly?
I don't know. I'm not the only one who needs them. My parents and everyone else is on my back about that, asking what the HELL I'M SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT.
HOW THE FUCK SHOUD I FUCKING KNOW?!

Every idiot in the way, judging me..especially that wee. what, he always HAS to be right? Oooh. scary. 'it's not done this way' or 'no such thing' or whatever FUCKING CRAP he can come up with, im sick of him too. who the fuck does he think he is to judge me, huh?! think i don already know what will happen if i make these decisions?! I already KNOW, DUMBASS!!!

So what if you think I don't know as much as I think I do? huh?! I sure as hell KNOW MORE THAN YOU!! he's so damn fucking insensitive. he knows me? huh. he knows nothing.

What the Fuck.
So pissing off.

Then now teacher's acting like Clarissa. It's creepy. And I can't get in a word anymore, let alone a little time. I mean, if I depend on her a lot and she doesn't like it, then say so?
I'm just so pissed with everyone...
I never get to see tomand waik as much as i want to.
HIJACK is really getting to my head.
I hate relationships, I hate my parents, my life, my pathetic social life, my loneliness, my hyper-sensitivity, my depression. GOD. i hate it all.

And Clarissa's being bitchy. Which really tears it, because I can't get her out of my head.

But the best part is? Nobody gives a shit! cus you don't even SEE THIS POST. AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I don't have a reason to love anyone.
huh.
Nobody needs Luke Ho.
..clearly.

Abomination/ShadowFighterX

Mood: Okay.

Fine. 323 posts is a little..too much.
Money making scheme to sell SFX. hehe.
..this part is totally irrelevant.

So I've met all my teachers. Huh. Not a lot of people care, but well. At least I don't have Ms Helen Chong ( haha jj! sucker!!)-yeah that's mean and evil.

But you know something? Recently, I've felt more like me again! I don't know. Excluding the mean parts..I feel more typical...boring...but carefree. more caring. more kind. I don't know. I've forgotten how great it feels to help someone.

It sent me on high yesterday when I got to help. And today, I did it again! I guess...I'm realizing looking out for No.1 is important. But to know and remember that No.1 isn't me.

And I love this song.

With or Without You
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you ....With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live with or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied - my body bruised
She's got me with nothing to win
And nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you... With or without you..
I can't live with or without you...

And I'll be trying my best to move to a new blog. huh.
later. everyone take care!
PS: I totally screwed up my math test. =( Please pray the next one won't be so SCREWED up.) =(

Mood: ..oh.

That 'oh' goes back through my head a lot of times.
Wonder if teacher still comes here. She needs to know.

Sigh. Gastric flu getting better, but I can barely eat half as much as I used to. It sucks.
And I hate life.

Um. I passed math. hehe. no 100 MCQ...;)
later.

Mood: ..oh.

Well. What a way to start school.
Ms Angeline Ang is our form teacher. Yay, I don't know quite yet. I's 10 periods a week after all. 50 minutes a day. I could really get sent back into counselling for either a really bad crush or heartbreak. And that;ll be soon.

Family's doing okay, at least.
Stressed. Confused. Consumed. Everything is just boring into me, lust, anger, regret, HIJACK, and lots of inner struggles. I really don't know what I'm going to do.

...it's so bad I'd think prayer doesn't work.
But it sucks to be addicted to things you aren't supposed to be addicted to. And I'm speaking freely. because, I'm tired. And sad. And desperate.

Is it too much to ask to be the best in at least something? It's hard to think of even.
Sometimes, I fight against the inner demons in their mind. Every day, I almost kill myself for someone else.
And this is when I've discovered my root problem.

Firstly, I'm getting too arrogant. Too many unrealistic expectations. HIJACK isn't helping either. My arrogant attitude is leading me into depression, outbursts of anger and inner sadness. Which sucks. Yeah.

Secondly, I stopped giving. When I was being a best person I could be, the guilt never bothered me. Now it's all I think about. The darkness shouldn't consume me this much, should it? I can't even think about God now because I feel guilty. And yet, the addicttion stays.
Honor God with your body.

Personally, karma is not something new to me, and wouldn't quite believe in it, because good people get a lot of crap. But when you stop giving, you DEFINETELY get a lot of crap. So I guess that's a start.

Teacher talked to me, and I think from now I'll have to make HIJACK a little more obvious. I need this. To those who know, trust me as you always have. I need this.
I'm glad she was there for me. =)

...the news to all my fellow HIJACKERS (if only BlackNight would take this seriously and TALK about it?! or Jang?!) that I've tried again and again to not help anymore. To live my own life, God's life, in reality. I figure God will save us all eventually. But my faith is either that weak or I am that mad to think that I'm tired for fighting for people I don't know, people who'll never know who I am. Which all the more, is my arrogant attitude. That I want the credit. But God doesn't expect me to claim it.

There are so many reasons right now? Why there is a dagger sinking into the depths of my heart, and when it hits rocks bottom, my heart will break? I can't understand it.
I don't know what to do.

But the good news? I've found the Ring. The ring that everyone on that planet was searching for? I found the one in reality. Can you imagine it? The ring came to me, in Las Vegas, and cost quite a bit, but pebbles compared to all those other fancy stuff. And tomorrow, I'm giving it to someone to hold on to. I can't give it to my mentor, or to you guys, but at least you'll know, it's safe.

When this is all over. My mind will finally be free of the darkness.
Why did he give me both? I heard him . He told me. This is my calling.

But why am I so tired? So angry, so sad, so broken that I'm willing to give up? Am I relying on him?
..I can't do anything anymore.

Luke Ho
15 Years Old
15/02/1992
New Town Secondary School
Basketballer

Likes

Jesus, my Lord and Saviour
Her--obviously,who else..?
Basketball
Running
Slackin
Any form of games that i am fantastic at


Detests

[x]Betrayers
[x]Liars
[x]Heartbreakers(not directing to me.)
[x]Jerks

Alex

Amanda

Bettina

Charmaine

Cynthia

Dinah

Fanny

Hannah

Hernhern

Jia Wen

Joshua

Jules

Jun Jie

Junice

Kai Yang

Leonard

Liping

Marcus P

Marcus Wee

Marion

Mrs Ang

Mr Ang

Nicolas

Nicole

Pearly

Peggy

Priscilla

Sano

Shimin

Stephie

Sulwyn

Varun

Vera

Xiang Rui

Ximin

Zeken

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