I'm dying.--

.Tuesday, October 31, 2006 ' 12:42 PM Y

Mood: Sleepy.

So dad came back yesterday. Finally.
And tomorrow is rachel's b'day...where the HECK did i put those presents from california...arrgh...

mum's games are annoying. i wonder how i ever liked those kinda games as a kid...
in fact, they're either too easy or too complicated. lolz.

mm. forgot a bunch of ppl.
nicole, lynette, etc...
i dunno right now. actually im pretty sure i wrote something for nicole, but forgot to give. =(

anyway. wee wants one also. lolz. i think his one shld be private, but what the hey.
mm...

Nicole: Awwz. Im sorry I forgot bt you. I saw the one you wrote for me! =)
...well. at least it gave me something to think about.
still remember when I first met you. ( I don't even remember how i first met wee! hey wait. it was at orientation camp. hehe. oh wellz.) that time the compo we were the only two who wrote on the same topic? =)

ever since then, i've never wanted to lose to you in stuff i don't usually lose in..lit....english...math...
and in the end, i lost in everything. ahaha. but to be fair, I loved every moment of competing.
sometimes ( this is getting really long) when I look at you, there's a green eyed monster of envy...because it just seems so unfair...
Because you're so amazingly smart and athletic at the same time...
Because your voice is the one which soothes me and not the words you say ( is that a bad thing?)
Because you can play guitar and I can't flick a string for nuts..( lolz. im not actually envious.)

But wellz...God has really blessed you. and im not envious anymore. everyone of us has gifts, and I hope you continue touching other peeps lives with yours. =)
there are so many things to be thankful for...
and you're one of them.
i'll miss you a lot.

And now for Wee. wahaha. i think this will be super emo at the end. in all seriousness.
Wee: My favourite Wee. You know why I say this? Because that irreponsible idiot went to play bball at sch until 6 plus and his FATHER called me. grr...

I dunno. You seemed so mature and cool at the orientation camp, surrounded by friends that I was almost intimidated. hehe. almost. now I'm glad I wasn't.

I missed a group of friends in my primary school, especially the trio. in new town, i was plagued by all sort of assholes and losers who'd pick on me becuz I looked vulnerable. in new town, those moments I felt I was all on my own.

I think we've gone through a lot more than you or I can remember...but one thing that really touched me was the way you defended me from Desmond last year. you were totally putting yourself at risk. I mean, you don't even know the guy and what he was capable of. but you still put it through for me. that's really a lot like something like what my true friends in hpps..the ones that matter most would have don for me. and you really were a sparkle of hope in my life in new town, that lit up all other lights around me. ( cept, for jj, cuz i met him first! hehe.)

in all seriousness wee, in new town, i envied you the most. not because you had a lot of talents or achievements ( this is getting REALLY long.) but because of your inner qualities, despite all the circumstances you were put through, you made a stand, rather than to hide or run away...it reminded me of what I could have been, what I used to be.

In streaming, I wasn't really worried about my results. Actually I jsut hoped you would be in my class...because I realized something...
that everytime something really bad happened to me you were always there.
that wherever I got, bball, messes around school, in class, you've always got my back.
that I can't do without you at all because otherwise I'd be all alone...

Most of my friends who came here got influenced by the darkness in this torrid place, this so-called school, where a beam of light by people such as you, are the only ones keeping this place from being consumed by darkness.
i lost all my friends to that darkness.

And really, all I just want to say is that I thank God now, fully and sincerely.
I thank God that he's kept you pure despite everything that happens to you, and you can reach out to even more people than b4...Shawn, ZhiYuan, etc. these people might not realize it now, but it's you who's made the difference in their lives that'll lead them to eternal life.

I thank God that you're in my life, my class next year, the basketball team, because I wouldn't pull through any of them without you, while in New Town. I just want you to know that I'm grateful. For once. ( dont ever let that get to your head.)

And most of all, I thank God that this year, you were called back to his light. And you're even brighter than before.

Thanks for everything, Wee.
I'm glad Im not gonna miss you yet.
And the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...

Sleepy. Tuition is in like. an hour! CRAP.
later.

.Sunday, October 29, 2006 ' 6:23 PM Y

Mood: Yeah.

mm...injuri=y is still holding up, but what the hey.
she cares for me! i was wrong! she actually gives a shit about me! woo hoo!
although i think it's cuz she's sympathetic. so. um.
it's a start.

val was a little moody today. so um.
made a new friend. his name's wei sheng. =) another person-like person. but my favourite is still isabelle. she actually responds properly to 'person.'
=)

hope pearly's ankle feels better soon. hope she just..feels better over things. or pray.
oh yeah. hope my leg feels better soon.
but i don wanna go for training. too lazy. got tuition, outings...
maybe i should be satisfied with life. tho' thinking bt quiting the bball team...a lot less respinsibility...i mean, they just TOSSED ME ASIDE. AND THEN SUBHAS BECAME AN ALL-STAR AND NOT ME.

but hey. that's life. it's hard to accept, but...mr ang is really getting to my head ( sides i know im better..lolz.. jk or not.) . he's really helpful/. i guess it's good. in fact, everyone is getting into my head lately. if i don't do something soon, im going to become overwhelming postive. noooo.
like that's supposed to be a bad thing. ;)

mm..ximin joined us again for bball...im beginning to think she likes ol' whatsisname ( not pearly's whatsisname) . but it's a good experience for her. hahas. and maybe for me. at least, i'l get used to her being around, so i won't keep doing stupid and hurting stuff...

keith is really getting better.
which reminds me. wee and weng xiang beat me in one-on-one! i haven't paid them back yet! arrgh! ( provided i can in the first place)
mm. wee really has it all. im so envious.
looks, smarts, bball skills...i mean, he worked for it. but so did I...
i think that's the only thing that gets me depressed. but these things are temporal, i guess. we're all going to heaven. i should be happy for him. maybe someday i will.

in the meantime im not gonna lose to him again...( hint: takes off glasses...)
or weng xiang either.
look out. here i am. here i come!
Here goes.

Super sleepy today. This post is getting long.
I just realized i haven't written anything for nicholas yet! cuz everyone who's touched me i've already written to ( eg: jj, fanny, jx,) and obviously not writing to those in my next year class ( can't say goodbye..yet...) but OMGOSH. i forgot bt nicholas.
rats. here goes.

nick. for some reason cynthia's calling you nikkigiant. bet you don't like that. ( dammnit. cynthia also! no matter how much i hated her last year...)
after all, you've never liked her too much.

God says to forgive those all you will be forgiven. =)
wellz...to start simply, i'll miss you. not as much as jj or jx, cuz i'll see you in cg, but...
bball...
singing...
jokes...
counterstrike ( winks*)
man to man talks
comfort
help
favours

i think you're a great guy. people look up to you, really. just in case you didn't know it. ( both literally and not! ;) ] i know I do!
take care k?
Luke
ShadowFighterX
(you get a double signature. hehe.)

later.
PS: anyone know where to get portable microphones? if u have lend me...i need it by thursday...

.Thursday, October 26, 2006 ' 7:31 PM Y

Mood: well...

feelings super sad.
there goes my class huh?

haix. 2/4 rocks larh. im so gonna miss it. and the ppl there, specially.
wish i had more time to write da letters..so I suppose the most I can do is post them here. Some here, some individually. yeah. individual if it's shorter.

JunJie:
Hey person.
I don't know what to begin with. Really. I think we've been through too much to start with anything.
"can i borrow a piece of foolscap?'

yeah.

Person. Really. I've seen you grow up so much over the two years you know? You're so much like the younger bro I never had...I'm gonna miss you a lot okay. [( you know I hate to admit it. :)] I mean...all those times we fought for fun and competed academically...you're really always going to be smarter. I mean it. =)

Sometimes, I can't stand you. You're so dense, you don't know how to respond to people's needs at all, you're as good in sliding as I am...
And really. I've seen you grow from someone so shy to someone who's learned to express himself, more daring, more expressive in your true feelings...honest...

And you've learned how to take responsibility. I'm so proud of that. lolz...
and I'm kinda sad now. =( I know what I'm going to miss.
Take care of Fanny, kays? =)
Luke
PS: Will send ya all my fluffs.

I think I'm going to cry if i keep writing. ha's..

Jerome and Johan:
You guys just don't know when to quit. You're irritating, noisy, you like to bang on people's tables. You make jokes that practically force me to laugh even if it's about me.

and that's why I'm going to miss you guys. but hey. you're still comin for cg right? =)
Thanks guys.
=) Luke
later.

I would have written one for Wee but...we're in the same class anyway...

Rischa: Thanks for your reply! It means a LOT to me...it's really going to be hard to say anything...miss you a lot already. hahas...
just take care. =)

Peopl from 2/4...don really know what to say to you all...
maybe you should just go to px's website...it says pretty much all...
=( try not to cry yeah? =(
haix.
and so another year goes by, and 2/4 of 2006 goes away...for now...
http://pengxiangz.spaces.live.com/PersonalSpace.aspx?_c02_owner=1

Kinda sleepy.
Plans:
1. Recover. From my leg. FAST.
2. just try not to cry. don't dwell on the past..look forward. everyone take care k?
3. Play bball.
4. Activities, Training, Outings, Trio, Play, Slack, Spam games...
5. Jun's place?

I'm alone again...after so long...

.Monday, October 23, 2006 ' 6:19 PM Y

Mood: Blaze.

bASTARDS AND SLUTS.
im coming for you. and im done here. i'm reducing myself to your pathetic little level just to kill you.
HIJACK?

I'VE HAD IT FOR THE FUCKING LAST TIME.
I'm not gonna get picked by these stupid losers anymore.

Crappy day today.
First got into a fight with jia hui. How was I supposed to know what a SQUARE BOX IS?!
Anyway, it only proves how scared he is. trying not to get hurt. i didn't even agree!
since when are fights fair ANYWAY? that's so boring!or just cowardly?

Then fell, and hurt my leg . real bad. it's gonna swell for days/. guess i won't be comin on friday.
ah hell. this is NOT a good time to blog.

later.
hols suck./

.Thursday, October 19, 2006 ' 6:36 PM Y

Mood: Flaming.

Yeah I feel like shit.
Crappy results people! ( except lit., duh?)

And bball was just great.
It was pretty crappy after cg, maybe cuz we kept getting owned, maybe cuz we were out of the court, maybe cuz the only time I can beat wee now is after I take off my glasses...

I just feel more and more angry at the world. At God.
Couple of things.
Hey. No kidding. I'm Christian. But don't you ever ask...
Or point out.
There is no choice.
Blah blah blah bt bearing the consequences. I mean hey, what kind of idiot in his right mind would prefer to spend one lifetime and then go to hell?!

Another thing. New Town sucks. I hate the people there, hate the school, hate the justice system...
just read the frickin archives to find out why.

One more thing. that idiot jia hui got my ball confiscated. yay. then i barely got it back after half an hour of searching for that roy tan. whatever.
obviously, neither of them acknowledge this wasn't my FUCKING FAULT.
OH YEAH. I MISSED OUT THE GOOD PART.

Ms chan yelled at me unjustly.
an hour later, her bbq was cancelled.
peh.

How stupid can you get, lending someone else's property to someone else?!
Whatever.

yeesh. need to cool down. later.

.Sunday, October 15, 2006 ' 11:16 PM Y

Mood: Sighs deeply... I'm happy. Really. I'm writing this with a smile on my face.
Just played bball 1 on 2 with waik and tom. First time I won them in ages. yay.
think im getting back my form. thanks god. =)

Im more grateful then it soudns, trust me.
Speaking of which. On friday we went to teachers house and had a super fun time. Although it didn't help I was starving, so i ordered delivery and teacher paid for most of it ( whoops! ) =( but waha. it was so nice and I was sooo hungry i ate 7 plus pieces of chicken...that's like a record...
ah crap. now i'll never be satisfied with just 3 piece.

mostly played XBox...wee and the others came well prepared with all sorts of games...played wrestling for the first time and owned them all with some guy whose kick is super in-bar...LOL!

That was fun, at any rate. Played soccer after that and I totally lost. Well, at least it was fun. Beat zhi yuan after that, maybe he was giving chance. I dunno. But pretty good playin individual. lol. solo kia.

Really grateful Junice didn't see my previous post..will probably delete it...cuz I don't mean it anymore...
Love is so temporary, but in truth, it's us, sinful humans who make it temporary..kinda sad...but it's comforting...that love endures forever!!!

Maybe I will feel like shit again after a couple of days...but until then...
Thanks Vera, Tom, Waikeat, Avi and Keith! Mehz. And Val, for offering to help me. And Pearly for random situations. lolz.

Person ( Isabelle ) ...well. not talking much with her lately. wonder why? mehz.

So bored now.
Which reminds me. Talked to Junice bt my worries with Angi. lolz.
I'm really, really afraid i'll do something stupid or say something sooo wrong.
She said just be me.

Real standard. I would do that, seriously. But who am I?
Worry bt that later. At least I know I'll actually talk to the girl I've been messaging for two years for the first time.

Tom and Waik haven't finished KingDom Hearts 2 yet!!! wahahahaha...( i'm so gona get killed)
=) wonder why. but come to think of it, im gettign really good at fighting one on one games...
Marvelvs Capcom and most other 2D games...
All the DW series...I haven't been beaten overall in Versus EVER...
Lord of the Rings too...
....A lot of game.s Woah.
yay. higher self esteem. for now.

For now, I'm happy with life.
For now.
Thanks.
ShadowFighterX

. ' 6:39 PM Y

Mood: Silence.

I'm feeling so cold.
Maybe it's cuz you make yourself cold...do you really think nobody cares?

The darkness is all around me...
Fair enough. But it doesn't have to be this way.

I needed her. But it was not meant to be.
She may not be the one. Can't you just work on yourself?

And then I met her just after I gave up on the first one.
It's not your fault. So what? At least you're aware.

When I look at her, I feel pain. I know what I missed.
Yes. But do you know what you're missing now?

Nobody loves me.
That's not true. Otherwise what happened today wouldnt have happened.

Nobody cares.
That's a lie.

I needed her. For so long, I needed her. My heart broke. My life was lost. My soul was torn...
You didn't waste those years. You learned what's important. You just need to listen, to internalize it...

Only one audience.
Only one audience.

God.

Had youth games. Played bball.
Yeah man! My jump shot's getting better and I'm getting my old form back( i think!!) and pretty fun, until a bunch of stuff happened.
Kept getting flasbacks of youth camp last year...until i remembered...
I want to be forgiven. God, I want to be forgiven.
But by her.

Talked to vera later after that. For some reason, I wanted to talk t0 her and not to Keith or Avi. Guess it would be because of what I learnt.

God is the only audience. In this world, it means nothing. Nothing comparable.
Even if you share today, feel better for awhile, you'll probably feel like crap again when something happens. so true.
Like you for you. not for what you can do. a little harder.
It's temporary. Even ...

Well. I know what she told me.
Mostly I agreed, and it helped, really. It got into my soul and stayed there, though the message didn't get through entirely. I felt better...although moments later, I felt confused.

Love can't be temporary. It just can't.
So I left Vera with the impression.

Truth be told...I couldn't accept that. Into my heart, into my system. Humans are pathetic enough already.
...shoot. later.

.Thursday, October 12, 2006 ' 10:38 PM Y

Mood: Okay.

Woosh.
Almost done with KH2. Really sad.
I should have played KingDom Hearts first....urrgh...
Played bball with tom and waik today, along wif my bro. It's a good workout for him.
Felt really good and bad.
Couldn't stop laughing. That's good. It's about time I was happy for a while.
Couldn't stop losing. That;s bad. Either Tom and Waik are really getting a lot better or Im getting worse...
It really sucks not to be able to be exceptional as I was before. I'm not improving...
And I've decided. Everyone who sees this, remind me.

BE AGGRESSIVE.

BE AGGRESSIVE.

BE AGGRESSIVE.

BE AGGRESSIVE.
BE AGGRESSIVE.
BE AGGRESSIVE.
BE AGGRESSIVE.
BE AGGRESSIVE.
BE AGGRESSIVE.
BE AGGRESSIVE.

ARRGH.
I hate losing. And because of a valid reason. lolz.
...I'm just feeling so transparent. That goes along with my coldness and darkness...
I'm losing myself.
And turning into nobody, with no talent, with no life, with no love.
I'm nothing.
I hate my life like that.

Screwed up my math and science.
HAte it.
Okay. moood changing now.
I hate it.
HATE IT.
HATE EVERY INCH OF THIS MEANINGLESS, PATHETIC EXISTENCE WHERE I CAN'T DO NUTS TO SAVE ANYONE, NOT EVEN MYSELF, WITH NO ABILITY...
no hope.
I hate myself enough already.

pehz.

.Sunday, October 08, 2006 ' 7:54 PM Y

Mood: Flaming.
so i officially have less than 3 minutes to type this out.
I am so pissed with my mum. what the hell does she want from me?!
anyway, some of your exams are over. but for yours truly, and the rest of the new town students, it's pretty much over.

Was originally talking with ying yun for the past two weeks over the phone...decided not to call her anymore. I suppose it's better...cuz that way there's really no chance of me doing anything stupid, as usual.

I really give people the wrong impression.

Honestly, I'm so not a sick perve. be sick in the head for one day and there goes whatever your character originally had. what-ever.

I'm done here. So for now, I'm going to change back to who I am.
I don't care. Be a Abomination, or ShadowFighterX, it doesn't matter. I'm all I am now.

Sheesh. New Towners are so hard to please. I really don't belong there...even with friends...
Sighz...dreary and pathetic life, obviously.

My pain is still a mystery. It's amazing how people can be so dense.
Well, never mind. Ignore my pain.

Anyway, I still have exams on. And after exams, I'm only going to do several things.

1. Okay you son of a bitch. You threaten me? I'm gonna kick your ass. And no, I don't give a shit writing vulgarities on my blog. Shimin's bf or not, you're going down.
Nobody threatens Luke Ho. I'm done with that.

2. Church events. But seriously...I don't feel like attending them at all. Better not to go wholeheartedly...so forget it...Im still thinking bt it...

3. Bball training...sucks... I'm so tired of dealing with arrogant losers or complicated fake friends...besides, my skills are just deproving and I'm not getting any better physically...so why try? Maybe wee can take over...after all, he's almost as good as me.

Sure. I'm giving up on a lot of things.
But SFX ain't done yet.
Later.
ShadowFighterX

.Friday, October 06, 2006 ' 8:33 PM Y

Mood: ....

okay. i'm better now.
so far...

Feeling so tired lately..like I really need to sleep everyday after school...who the heck knows why?! yeesh. but well. i admit it's been good for me..though i don wanna study after that...cuz already so sleepy mood after waking up...
been struggling with math, lit, chem, and bio lately rather than anything else for some weird reason... my next exams are super screwed larhz...even chem...=( just that something feels so missing.

starting to realize how much i like photos..hahas...especially memories of a day i actually LIKED... hell...not something that happens often. but well. less than not.

ida's been talking me throught these past few days...guess I'm really grateful to her. i mean. heck, her advice isn't exact sage like, but it's not exactly crap either. it's given me a lot to think about. although i wish i had felt this way AFTER EXAMS so that i could have all the time i need to think.

which reminds me. bball training is around the corner. and im not recovered. super-obvious. am still quite bent on quitting or slacking a lot for bball...
after all. you tell me what's worth it. im clearly not recognized as the best anymore...
hell, one on one is my forte...but it seems im just not getting better at bball...
and for some weird reason my running just keeps improving when i don't do NUTS bt it..hahas.. ( though im not sure now) maybe i should try that...if i give up...

which reminds me again of two more things. teacher suggested i go for some student-leadership camp. not as if im going to be the one leading the team. but she talked me into it again. imean, she does that even if she doesn't want to. lolz. im such a pushover.

and subhas tried to ask me bt why i was thinking about quitting. and then he went to gamble, leaving me all alone. completely forgetting. so kind.
hell, i don't give a shit whether he was the captain, took whatever glory i might have had and is really getting to my standard...im first going to thrash him in bball and studies and THEN i can quit. what the hell happened to our friendship? is it so sappy and meaningless now?

maybe i dont mean enough anymore...or hes' been hanging out too much with THEM...i knew he'd get pushovered again. he doesn't even call anymore. hahas.
forget it. im not worth it, no one is.

lately i realize im not worth anyone's time.
cept' just grateful for 2 more things.

1. Fanny thanked me for helping her and ol' whatsisname in their little lovey dovey relationship. obviously it doesn't hel pthat i wrote all those fluffs. lolz. but it's nice to be appreciated. really. very nice... =( i miss something like that.

2. lost 20 cents to syukri today. didn't want to pay him..hahas...wanted him to collect from subhas..knowing jolly well he won until centuries later... then when i was asking him bt yanlin, he tried to get really personal for some reason. weird but touching. eventually i wanted to give him the 20 cents, but he said 'Keep it. I share your pain." then he put it it my pocket and walked off without letting me object. mehz.
lolz. how sweet. for a guy. hell, im not gay. but it's sweet. something wee would have done now, or tom and waik would have done b4.

it's amazing i can be touched by little things. and be so affected by little things.
but it's these little things that make up my life... determine who i am eventually.
to be ShadowFighterX?
or an Abomination?

still thinking.
later.