.Saturday, September 30, 2006 ' 9:59 AM Y
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Mood: Dark. So dark you don't even begin to understand...
Mostly to Junice. While I'm still in this state. I don't know. It's all true, and I'll probably apologise for it later, but i can't take it back. I've held it in for so long, I don't even imagine what I am now. just an
Abomination...and
a
Shadow of who I was.So coincidental that my desk just so happens to say.Who I was hates who I am... now.I'm so sorry Jun. So moody lately. Can't decide who or what I am being...
feel so evil. feel the darkness within me seep up to the surface...no longer hidden, distraught by the chaos around me...
so stressed...so tired...so insecure...so unsure...so evil...
I can't find myself again.
The cold hearted individual. Or warm hearted loving kid.
Lolz. Was never ever some great guy. I never had anyone tell them they love me without being betrayed. but hell. that's life. isn't it?
I'm really quite the loser. Not typical, obviously. I'm way too special for that. Hah.
and I guess it's true, because everyone's tired of my cold behaviour. my anti socialism, my rudeness, my sarcastic and pointless comments, my irritating self...
the truth is. nobody's better than me.
becuz the more evil i am, the more you backstab. the more you pretend to be all so good andkind and great friends and say things you don't mean when actually right behind their backs, you'd say 'that bitch' or 'f*****'
Am I really that bad becuz i don't backstab? Lolz.
Even wee, nick...they''re like that.
the difference is that im not typical. if I hate you, i'll show you i hate you. i'll make you suffer and make you feel like a loser, tear your life apart, blackmail, slander, point out your worst weaknesses and your long forgotten nightmares.
Because I am that darkness. Lifes picked on me for too long...
Cna you even IMAGINE trying to love someone for so long and hide it all within you? watching everyday as she wouldn't even give you a second glance. that she'll frown, she'll say ' i hate you'..
she'll curse you, make your life miserable, hate you when you love her.
that's life. isn't it great?
7 years of darkness and misery.
maybe it used to strengthen me. sure, as a kid, i don't deny i screwed up. too much positive emotions, maybe. i always thought she fel t the same way, sometimes i'd show ppl that i loved her. a bit too outright. way too outright.
but i stopped. and i started being more than i am...all for everything...
i should have realized right there and then...
i was nothing. i was never anything significant. that nobody gave a shit bt me, that nobody cared enough to tell me anything. that i was too sensitive for my own good.
i didn't F****** choose to be sensitive. or to be stupid. I've got nothing.
you can't imagine anything. you don't know pain, or love, or true hurt. the kind which wells up in your heart so bad you cry every night. the kind that makes you heart ache when you see her everyday...
that everyday...she seems so flawless, so utterly beautiful, so unbelievably devastating, even literally. that you're captivated by her presence alone.
i don't know who i am. who is Luke Ho anyway? some guy trying to buy his way into school and hard times by being NICE. what a joke.
is he some kind of madman? like spilit personality, some guy totally aware of his evil actions? always a possibility.
or maybe some kind of guy he made himself out to be: ShadowFighterX. Trying and struggling to be a hero despite his past, his darker emotions, his unrequited love, his unforeseen circumstances that tear him apart.
he's supposed to survive, for his friends, for his lost family, for her. the one he loves the most, and eventually for god.
in that case. i shoudl really stop writing in it.
cuz it's true. until the end, that is.
And this is the real truth.
Everyday, I lived for you. Not my friends who showed me they loved me and cared for me, and eventually just gave up finding time for me.
Not my teachers. No matter how much I trusted them...they showed me what I was supposed to do. Like. Showing you the door but only you can open it, kinda thing. Guess what. I slammed it back in their face. Probably, given up on me too.
Obviously not my crushes. Cuz I played them...and myself, deluded that maybe i could forget you that way. i was wrong. and hell im sorry.
So what now? I'm addicted to something else now. To give me relief. And it sure ain't POLO.
What am I saying?
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
And I'm dead without you.
I'm dead without you.
There's no soul, no life, no reason to live.
I don't exist.
A much darker Shadow of who I was...
Cold. Brutal. So little light in me to try and hold myself back...
if i don't go mad, or if someone saves me for a short while, please forgive me. maybe tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, the pain will just go away.
This isn't about you anymore. It's about me caring for me at last. Being selfish. yay.
Tomorrow I will be so much darker than before...
Aren't you Ice.AbominationRebourneXBe happy. ShadowFighterXSorry.AlterEvil
.Saturday, September 23, 2006 ' 1:52 PM Y
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Mood: ....
Almost finished typing out some SFX stuff....:)
Especially on JJ and Fanny...
Lolz. I decided to cast bids on the job offer for typing my manuscripts...cuz otherwise i might be getting ripped ( thanks tom. )
Shes taking her time making upThe reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smile
And the look in their eyes
Everyones got a theory about theBitter one
Theyre saying mamma never loved Her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
Thats why she shies away from Human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now shes waiting for the right Kind of pilot to come
And shell say to him
Shes saying
I would fly to the moon and back
ifYoull beIf youll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where weBelong
So would you be my baby
Just saying.
Sigh...
I'm so tired. And sleepy. At least it's literally.
Exams are up. And seriously...arrgh. so irritating.
don feel like blogging. really. so just a couple of things.
I love her.
Rachel got her driving license. She takes over half a minute to park. lolz. =)
Joel and Rach are teaching me now. Math and Bio respectively. haix. ah well. =)
Need to top up my ezlink.
Need to go through the story of my pathetic life again.
SFX Part 5 as well. =(
A little depressed over my thoughts as to how I'm releasing my Abomination. Maybe lately yiou've seen the change in me. Maybe you think I'm scum. But try to remember me for who I was until I sort things out..please?
Will probably screw up all the tests I've had this week, and lit. next week.
I'm lost.
I just can't believe I never got to kiss her.
ShadowFighterX
.Wednesday, September 20, 2006 ' 5:32 AM Y
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:) like the new blogskin. thnx jj. and nick for trying.
Mood: sigh...
now it's 5.27 in the morn. not feeling well. at all.
is it cuz I'm feeling so alone?
or because lately I can't do anything without hurting someone else...how on earth do I ever end up in these situations anyway?
maybe...maybe I just don't deserve to be missed. or to be loved.
life is so pointless. you know? you keep living on and on in a deadly cycle of work, exercise, play, school...same old. same old. you never actually get to do things you want to do.
really blew it. was so pissed off with the world I vended it on everyone. not so sure how wee's reacting. jj and fanny..dunno. i guess..
yeah they saw my diary again. i guess they should have finished what they started, but NOO. clearly now they think im depressed over them.
why? cuz they've pushed me aside for the longest time?
maybe I'm wrong. maybe I haven't done anything for them to deserve attention.
I guess I must be soo boring no one can find somethign t otalk about. or looking so depressed all the time...but only cuz my life is incomplete...
people here are insensitive. in general. it's a give and take system, and vice versa. now it just seems that there's nothing. being here...isn't ...
I think people were happier during slightly decadent days because they weren't bound to technology like they are now. internet, coms, etc. maybe it would even be more fun to play freeze and melt. hahas...
to test your abilities rather than just your fingers. ( although I admit my reflexes are a lot faster now. ) but otherwise...
ever feel how temporary it is? even if you know or think you're living for God ( depending on your faith...like me. kinda on and off)
hell. maybe I was very sad back then. but I was very happy as well...
that I knew how much people care and love me...
that they not gonna just stand there and let someone take me on...
that they're going to storm into the girl's bathroom to take back my basketball( actually it was waikeats..hahas..but..)
that they're going to be there when you need them. whether you're heartbroken...or down...
and you'd do the same for them.
read through my old archives. when I stll loved Jun for those brief periods before giving up ( but you know...don't you? ) when i still referred to wei en as 'subhas' crush'. when I still thought marcus wee was so' cool '( still do. just in a diff. way. ) when i had those talks with ms chan to comfort me..or mrs leong, for that matter.
and what I hated. desmond lim ( not MR desmon lim) obviously. then the time ms ang found out..yeah that stank. and when yanlin and I broke off on awful terms..must have taken me a month to get over that. im not ashamed anymore. i never was. i wrote it all. everything in my journal for that one...
broke off with shimin. personally lately I think she's gone a bit nuts. well. im no different.
True. I guess I still prefer pri sch life. It's far more exciting, coool, fun..and thrilling. I miss the adventure, the challenge.
Everyday is an adventure.But now it just seems... 'You must be miserable...' I didn't forget.My name is Luke Ho.ShadowFighterXAlterEvilAbominationRebourneXAnd as far as I've known. I'm dying in my head...
.Friday, September 15, 2006 ' 6:34 AM Y
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Mood: Sleepy..
so i should really be mugging. after all, its 3.40 in the morn and i haven't done nuts except visit blogs.
jk. now it's 6.15 after my intense doing of tons of hw. i really have nothing better to do.
*copy and paste*
that thing on jun's blog. jahahas. find it quite amusing..so see how it goes...
btw, pengxiang's game is fun too! ask him bt it. something bt 10 girls 5 guys if u're a guy and vice versa. later.
Name ur top 15 friends. Don't read the qns until you've named the 15 ppl mixture of boys n girls. At the end of this, pass this down to 5 more ppl. (not according to best friends, if not it wouldn't be fun)
PS: Not necessarily according to no. but pretty close.
1. Tomson
2. Wai Keat
3. Natalie
4. Ida
5. Adrian
6.Pam
7. Ethan
8. Clarence
9. Peiyi
10.David. Tan.
11. mm. maybe Atalia.
12. umm. Subhas! haha. seriously. i forgot.
13. Marcus Wee. :)
14. Jun jie. Sim.
15. * stuck on tie-breakers* uhh. raja. yea.
( aww. no more space.)
Who's #10's crush?
Dave? No idea. lolz. doesn't seem the type.
Have you ever thought of kissing #8?
eww. im not gay. but he tried to kiss me once when he pretended to be. hahas.
Describe #7.
Ethan. Short, used to have a cute voice. now that's it's cracked it's all stuffy. hahas.
Do you know any of #12 family members?
Yeah..know his mum and dad and sis. i don talk to his sis much. his parents are nice.
Would you ever date #7?
..jeez. suay lehz. no. duh. i m not gay. repeat.
What is the deepest secret you know about #1?
mm. hahahahaha...he won't kill me..if her name started with J... ( last time)
Okay. he would kill me.
Would you ever be in a relationship with #11?
um. maybe. but don really want to think bt it. cuz that's would be givin in ta peer pressure.
What if #9 n #14 dated?
Peiyi and jj. no. peiyi's taller than him, and jj's..um. got fanny. yeah.
Did you crush on #6 before?
PAm? Never. Not once. Nada. Nein. She's been my friend longer than almost everyone cept' adrian, but i don imagine crushing on her.
What's your fave thing about #5?
Yeo is funny. He and I share a lot of things in common and play them all the time. THough lately he's kinda busy. :(
What's #2 fave?
fave what? waikeat laughs a lot. haha.
What will you do if #10 confess he/she like you?
think i'll faint. seriously.
Who's #13 going out with?
wei en. for now.
When is the last time you spoke to #13?
yesterday when he was so sad. :( hope he gets better soon.
Who's #2 fave band/singer?
um..not sure anymore. from westlife to fort minor..nah. jsut not sure.
Who is #1 best friend?
hopefully me! :) or waikeat. or both. hehe.
Would you ever date #4?
uh. i hope she doesn't see this blog. but...
Would #6 n #2 make a gd couple?
Actually maybe. If wai keat isn't fussy, and pam can laugh as hard as he can. lolz.
Describe #3.
Natalie's really strong willed and actually very beautiful in her own ways. probably other ppl think so as well. but mostly, tall. this year. scary.
What's the funniest thing about #15?
Rajas not as funny as tom or waik or dave and such. so i don really know. if i knew, i forgot. whoops. :(
Who is #9 crush?
dunno. :( doubt anyone.
and..that's prettymuch it.
..im gonna be late for school. later.
ShadowFighterX
.Tuesday, September 12, 2006 ' 10:08 PM Y
=x
Mood: ....
I'll be your dream I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need. I love you more with every breath Truly madly deeply do.. I will be strong I will be faithful 'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning. A reason for living. A deeper meaning. yeah.I want to stand with you on a mountain... I want to bathe with you in the sea... I want to lay like this forever... Until the sky falls down on me... And when the stars are shining brightly In the velvet sky, I'll make a wish send it to heaven Then make you want to cry.. The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty. That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of.. The highest power... In lonely hours. The tears devour you.. Oh can't you see it baby? You don't have to close your eyes 'Cos it's standing right before you. All that you need will surely come... I'll be your dream I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need. I'll love you more with every breath. Truly madly deeply do......im so tired.
of feeling like a loser. being threatened half the day every freakin day of my pathetic life.
and etc. *faint smile*
today those losers from 2/8 suddenly brought up the desmond issue.
and i don't know..i didn't want to remember it all...
but i just did..
and it that moment. i backed away.
i'm scared.
and it's scary to be scared.
is that what happens when you stop fighting?
for what you believe in? for what's right?
...I can't do this anymore.
I can't trust myself...after all. how can you trust an Abomination?
kinda uneasy today. but had quite a lot of fun writing a angst scene between jj and fanny. i still haven't decided on how Nicholas saves the day.. then maybe will write a little more on me and the group still in Subhas' house...
lol. but nobody's read this yet.
hired grace today. to type out the parts for $5 each. lolz. i think im ripping her off. :( but i really got no cash. sighz.
exams coming soon. and tests.
hate exams. hate tests.
Do you ever love someone so much it
hurts?
It takes over your whole life, body and soul...
Yeah. I'm hurting.don't feel like blogging lately. later.ShadowFighterX
.Thursday, September 07, 2006 ' 11:49 PM Y
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Mood: ...
Just when you think you know someone...well. you just DON'T....is there nothing left?let's count the ways...ShadowFighterXAbomination ( dead. )AbominationReborn ( dead.)AbominationRebourneXAlterEvilNightRiderShadowHunterDarkStreakRatio: 3 to 3. Not a good thing.When you're fighting yourself...it's not good to let the odds be even.When you think you're alone.Let's face it. You're alone.Seal off the darkness in your heart...I'd believe it...Whether I love you...You are the embodiment of my darkness, the deepest desires of my heart, the strings that hold me together. Your smile keeps me awake at night, cutting a thin line across my very soul.I am so obsessed over you, so crazy, so wonderingly passionate, deeply, madly, only in love with you.I can't let you go.
I love you.
Okay. California.
A lot of things.
Firstly, I'm not back yet. i'm typing this at your 12 in the morning, talking to gen who still isn't asleep.
A lot of homework which I won't have time to complete.
A lot of things which I'm still stressed about.
Exams. Studies. Basketball. I'm in it all.
No time to relax..enjoy myself,...even on this hol...or whatevers left of it.
Interesting thing on jun's blog. bt 15 best frens. maybe i'll try it myself.
hahas..
screw this. i hate life. end of story.
great, isn't it?
at least ppl don have to HIJACK...
later.
AbominationRebourneX