Mood: Not happy.

Sheesh. Mum is a nagging pain. I''m not kidding. I'm pissed and fed up. Wish I could punch something. Or someone.

Got to study lately....blahblahblah....what has she been doing lately..never see her online nowadays...

I miss her. I want to see her, and every week it's the same old story...
I hate myself for holding on so badly. HAte me for using others as my excuse to continue on living. Hate the fact that I wait and wait for the answer. HAte that I can't confess because I'm afraid..
HAte.

I't's not as if I get a choice...but I have to really know who I truly love.
Just two options left.
Sigh...please forgive me...

Mood: Worried, anxious, lazy.

Yeesh. I'm sick and tired of everything....
Although I'll admit, Everything except for what my heart wants is going well for me. My sports, studies...etc. Except a couple of things.

First of all. My time. I got this great new CCA that I enjoy, having been first in the cross country twice in a row. No such luck for free time. Wonder how the heck am I going to cope? Mum says I don't do enough studying. Like I don't go to school. I just want my own pace! Sheesh. No faith in me at all. Or too much. Hah.

Next. My time spent with them. It used to be her. Now it's them. HAhahahahaha....marcus wee wee and px and justin and nick and ken all called me a flirt!!! =( =) Lolx man.

MArcus wee. The super ever so popular cool friend of mine in New Town. Like her never have four steads last year. Like he never steal ppl's girlfren cuz he too cool and handsome. Not his fault larh, but might as well go all the way. At least he steadless for 10months now. =) Still...

Peng Xiang. He;'s four years older, but sometimes I can't help but feel he's our age. Maybe when it comes right down to it he is more mature, but I'm pretty mature for my age when it comes right down to when it's most needed too! Sheesh? Flirt huh. PEh.

Justin is the worst of all..LOL. He got how many ex steads like cannot count...haHAH. ANd other stuff like..hehhe.

Nicholas ok larh...finee. yeesh.
Kenny has cynthia. Do I even need to elaborate? No? OKay.

But I really need to tell them...at first I thought it was love..but as it turns out...they are all jsut excuses...how unfair is that...

confession is good for the soul.
I know he will tell me when the time comes..

but how to tell them the truth? yeesh. this is going to be painful. and time consuming.
1 down, 4 to go. Personally. No more excuses.

Here we go.

Mood: Confused/

Well. Lately haven't gotten much time to blog but I'm trying..I guess. IT's been a while...
A little confused about my life, still pondering over what I am, but well...i wish someone would tell me the truth. That it wouldn't be sarcastic or a joke...THat I know whether I'm loved or hated. It matters a lot to me if not to you.

I feel that crushes were just an excuse to get over her...just a pretty miserable excuse..but now there''s two of them..not as if I get a choice...but I want to know who I truly love...I shouldn't keep hiding...keep wallowing in my pain.....

I wish you knew...

Ps: I am on the track team/ not much of a team...but well....
she came again....I hope she comes to play with us more often ...but can't concentrate when she around...I think i still love her though...just when all seemed to disintegrate...
I cant decide anymore...and I have to tell them how I feel...then i know he'll show me...even if all along...
I may have known....the answer already...

hey hey. my class is int he com lab now so i'd tot i'd update a little.
tired out...played some bball b4 the I.T class...really feel like sleeping. anyway, misato is so pretty! i'm obsessed...hahahaha...

lolz. that's one way to forget her....but i think this is not going to work in a while...sigh..=(
crap class is starting! alright then....

sigh...will edit this later...
i miss you.

Mood : okay...

Well..not so obsessed with misato anymore..guess that was just temporary...what else can I say.
Lehz. I'm wondering somethings that's not so obvious to you all....

But nvm.

I was very very surprised ( not shocked, but definetely surprised!) to see Xi Min today at the bball court along with the guys and gals who are usually with me....they are her frens after all...but it was surprising. for me.

obviously in the moment of panic i took this time to flatter myself to the point that maybe she might look in me...hahahahaha....
no SUCH THING.

like bettina would say, wayyy outta my league. wadeva.
maybe she was not very serious bt cold wars....

Anyway it wasn't so bad. =) I'm quite satisfied actually, at least she isn't ignoring me, and the feeling is disappearing. not sure bt passion....or love. or simple infatuation...sigh...hate the misleading parts of life...

Although I missed out on service ( remake up tuition is sooo boring! ) I still feel a little touched...hope I can survive the week...especially with my left leg not exactly intact right now...

sigh...anyway medal gonna be awarded later in the week...got runner up in isibl..making new town top local sch in this competition...but lost to SAS! wahhz. the no.1 kinda pushed me around... jsut cuz I'm ace scorer ...WAHAHHAHA.

my dad made the video of the matches with R.I, woodlands ring and finals already. we lost ALL those matches. Maybe dad should not come anymore...hahaha...jk.
YEesh. hate getting blocked. or rejected. coincidentially. same word with diff meanings.

hope I can find out more...and btw, the pics are ready! ;)
later.

Mood: Scared, angry, tired...but...well. calm now. i think.

In the morning, I wake up and start thinking of that super pretty girl on EVnagelion....Misato....who's like 28 or 29 I think. And that just reminds me of Ms ang, so i start thinking of her..
And then of her.
And then o HER.

And I thought this was a typical day, so I try going back to sleep. Until I realise...

Whenhas this been my typical DAY?!!?!

I screamed on my bed. I'm becoming a typical teenage kid. THat's just scary. For me. I mean..I'm not normal!!
Well actually nobody is, so ...it's well. Just so different.

Since when was that part of my life on girls anyway>? Sigh. THe feelings you get as you get older....

Anyway I'm content with the rest of the day....
Firstly I'm not thinking bt girls anymore. ;) I'm surprised I said this even .=(

Then we challenged SAS and promptly lost by 24 points....I scored 16....sigh...hate 190'scm's and big american guys who push me around. PS I'm not biased or racist k?

Anyway silver medal is better than nothing.
Then dinner was fantastic. Waffle town chicken ain't bad..though i reckon I won't eat chicken for a while after this...

I guess all I can say is, God is good ! =) It's okay...I think....
Jsut hope i can finish my hw in time...tuitions won't be so boring...that I won't miss CG on sunday cuz of tuition....

Need to rest....except need to realize something first.

Jun.
Ximin.
Ms Ang.
Shi MIn.
Yanlin.
Misato.
Tifa.

Great. Luke Ho is becoming a very easily infatuated flirt? I'm not even handsome!!
Leh. =( * flame anger bursting from eyes*

Okay. From this point. I hate me!!!!
Since when did I not anyway?

Saturday .
Sighz...the hols are ending.....

Mood: Worried.

Arrgh! I haven't finished my hw yet....
DEAD. DEAD. Fanny, u better remember our deal.

And infatuation is not helping....
I just lost ALL my powers temporily....like bt a year...wonder what's happening.

Arrggh...not thinking straight. Sighz...what's happening to me? Really feelin down.
Teenagers....

Mood: Tense...slightly worried.

arrgh!! Infatuation depths are so...well. Many .And so stupid actually. Guys are so typical.
Honestly, I'm not a typical guy. Nobody can say that of me while meaning it...nor...well. something deep inside.

Today is the big match against SAS, the finals of the ISIBL, the last match I will be playing man to man, one on one.
THis is my last chance, to prove myself at last...as vice captain, and hopefully the ace of the team. No one's gonna beat me now...I think.

I really am starting to think I am a flirt. Am changing really fast....sometimes staying on like a die hard...just like b4....
Or switching very fast.
Or liking more than one....

Sigh..the loyalty and commitment is just not worth it...apparentely....but he says....

God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)

God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28)

I'm ready...I hope.
Just need to overcome what has become the darkness that is me.....
I want to ...go home...
There's a longing for it I never imagined I would have...I missed...being what I was...instead o regretting being what I was...what I am...

When will I find out what I am?
When will I find out who I am?

I want to go home.
I'm not waiting for the answer....
Search for it.

Mood: Okay.

Just listening to a bunch o new songs. Feeling a little better.
The injuries from the R.I match persist a lot though..hoepfully I can still practice....who knew defence could be fun!

Done quite a bit of revision today...but not yet started on hw cuz dinghao wet my math ( need a photocopy dang it) and my physics is a blank. And art? Peh.

Tired from a little bball. so that's worrying..and started thinking abt her for no reason..sometimes I think she hates me and sometimes I think she just doens't look in me...wish I knew....if I'm not what she wants, wh bother? I don;'t need a cold war...besides...I'm still younger..got a way to go...

Beyond myself..just 2 years ago I was changing into someone new....someone diferent. And now here I am again, always changing.
I have a to find a personality eventually....

Waiting for what he wants to tell me.
Wish he'd hurry up. *smile faintly* sigh.....

Love is patient.....

Mood: =)

Yep yep. We beat R.I!!!!
And I scored the most. Will explain later...

On sat met up with atalia but not for very long. She was busy/ St margaret's band performances are soo boring. It's amazing atalia performed at all.

I need to sleep...
Score was 46-44.
THnx for everything.
Anything in possible in him.
Will edit this post later...still too lazy...watchin movie..

now I feel better.

k....I was afraid i couldn;t get over her...but I was wrong. I just have to take this slowly...one step at a time...


die to self... run from temptation, pray and be the leader in the relationship, sometimes even discipling his gf...

ookay. i think.

that's if u're in a relationship rite? k.

and right now....i'm falling apart.....

Well. NAyway I'm happy, so not going to talk like that.
forget this..just too tired..

bb.

Mood: Angry..
Short note. Running out of stuff.
Wahhh!!! Why is she like that!!!
Look in me. IN me. IS that sooo hard!!!!! Why can't you just look at my heart rather then my appearance!!!

HAte hate hate. MEh.
And my face has pimples. Pimples!!!! Arrgh.
Leh. And I am not getting enough sleep.
I keep thinking she hates me. Keep thinking I can't live if she keeps ignoring me. If she just stays...
Why be so cruel to me....? =( I'm just a kid.
Life's not exactly a nightmare, but it will be, trust me.

Am vice captain of the bball team now....so got lots of this and that...especially when subhas ( this is so unfair...cuz he's captain...lolx. only cuz he's more vocal and I am ' quiet' ) ( since when?! ) is not around...

Nevertheless....
Cna't believe he used to date her. I'm not exactly close with him...but....still....can't believe pam was right.
on this earth, no love is perfect.

My reality is slowly fading away.....
I can't get you out of my head.
I can't stop thinking of you.

Except now when I realise I have lots of math hw and a physics paper and PW and newspaper articles.....

I need you like water...like breath....like rain....
I need you like mercy....like hope.....like trust....
I need you like love. I need you.

I disappear when you are gone, cry when you cry, pain when you pain, smile when you smile....

I need you....

Mood: Slightly ok, slightly depressed.

I'm depressed cuz I'm reaching y peak for sec 2 in bball. I mean I'm not doing super well or anything...and running out of moves...

I really want to be the best. To be unstoppable.
But so far, nothing's changed.
Me and y big mouth...teach marcuz moves now he know all my pattern..leh. But at least he improved a lot larh...=)

Tired. So tell ya why I'm happy.
I won the cross country again! First larhz. ;) Super tiring, 3.5 km in 11:57min. Didn't think I was capable of that. But since I couldnt see where I was going....so ran a lot faster than usual.

Thnx ppl for all your support! I mean at the race larh. Every checkpoint for some reason sure got someone I know cheer me on. =)

thanks to him. thoughz I mus admit i was expecting it. everyything and anything is possible.
later try to go westmall and sign up for tournament....and stuf...and try to improve my bball skills.
To reach a new level.
Sunday must beat Hiro...

Mood: Happy.

School is pretty much over. I mean apart from the cross country tomorrow. 3.5 km huh.
Lilin and Nicole get to climb Mt Ophir!! Not fair.
I love that place! THe story is that I climbed it when I was nine and my face came out in a magazine. =) Cuz youngest climber lorhz. 1276m mountain lehz.

Love the place, come to think of it. In fact, nv climb mountain since 3 years ago.
=( Sighz...happy memory of childhood Haix. Unusual.

I want to win tomrorow cross country...wish me luck! And blessing...actually wadeva..don feel like bloggig now
super lazy.
later.

Mood: Feeling better.

Well. I've prayed.
And I feel better. Until listening to a few ballads and classsics. Music is so romantic. OR cool. Or plain sad. HAix.

Nevertheless.....
Sigh..hate to lose everyone the same way...

Here;s the gd news. I'm still going to destroy the passion. iT's about timeI changed anyway. cAn't stay like this forever.
And well. not so easy to handle...

ANd I have goals! I want to be no.1!!
Tell you when i achieve it. ;)

We lost to WRSS...woodlands ring....they like nv use retained sec 2...like not cheapskate...the guy nv knock me down twice....i like...nv score 18 points but we still lose by 2...and not very angry with them but happy they genna default so they lose forever ...sigh....

Not being who I am, what I am lately.
Not like I know what that is.

Be happy. I know I'm not.

Mood: Not very happy.

Not so pleased bt certain stuff...explain later cuz got to eat soon...in the meantime check out this song larhz. I love it. It reminds me a lot. Kinda surprised it's not Christian song larhz.

I don't need a lot of things I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring I've always needed something
But I've got all I want When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason You're my only truth

I need you like water Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms That carries me through
I need you...

You're the hope that moves me To courage again
You're the love that rescues me When the cold winds, rage
And it's so amazing' Cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now 'Cause you've brought me too far

I need you. =(

Mood: Worse than ever. Short as short.

Not happy. So far stuff is not going my way,etc/
I tried so very hard to hate her...and just when I knew it I couldn't. I just can't!!!! =( And it hurts so much more....

Looks like she's still and will always be ( for now) in my mind...guess that means I don't love the one who loves me...pity....so evil me.

I hate being me. Such a glutton for punishment. KNow nothing gd for me, want nothing gd for me...what the hell is my prob anyway?!
Dunno what I am becoming, and thus cannot find out who I am.

I have to tell her that I don't love her...and continue to free myself...my mind from her...or I'll suffer. And hurt.

Wish she had been the one to set me free...
please hope for me. and pray for me.
I can't go on any longer.

Mood : =(
Short note again.
Not always depressed ppl...but lately this stirs up again...why am I so reckless....

Whoosh. This feels familiar. This always feels familiar.
This is a test. Nothing more. I love cuz I chose to, I try to express it cuz I want to.

ANd now...i have to give up relationships. As in anything from more than frens to bgr. Why? Cuz I am so useless.

I hope she can still teach me...
Like I said, I want to be the best for that person. And if I just can't be, there's really no point.
There are so many possibilities...there's always someone better....
Junice wasn't the one. =(
Or Ximin.
Obviously NOT ms ang.
Too slow with Yanlin.
ANd just lousy with shimin. Now I feel like a flirt.

2 years after wanting to die for Jun I end up like this?! Crazee luke.
And sad. And plain depressed.
Sorry ppl.

I give up..

Mood: Sad. That's pretty much it. And a little angry.
Date: 2 march. I think. Today is thursday, just came back.

I hate this. Sheesh. Happiness is a thing. It's temporary. Always temporary. No one on earth can be happy forever. Which is why ppl want to go to heaven to be loved and to love him.

Anyway today was pretty boring. 2.4km ran 9 min 42 sec.

Stupid art teacher so damn pissing off....am going bball later to forget everything...so upset with me.
Wh yam I so useless at this kinda thing?

If you love so much but don know how to express what's the point?
Surrender.

I don't believe in me anymore. I can't stand it. Can't stand it at all. And I am such a loser.
Now I think I get it. I never loved her. I didn't to begin with, I don't now.

That really, really sucks. I thought I fell for her, but if I did, why am I getting all of this?
And everyone in sch has their ideas of love...and stages...etc. And all sorts of immature weird things.
But I don't want to be me to begin with!!!
Why~!

It's deja vu all over again. First with yanlin huh. Irrritating? Too slow? Peh-EH/.
=( I'm really sorry to those I love so much mroe in that kind of way.
So many after jun huh.
Well. Actually none!
Cuz I never exactly loved them.....
well maybe one.

like yan lin said huh.

The more you love a person the more you will cry for that person.

mOod; very confused.
short note.

i'm trying to decide whether I should be me or rid off all the maturity thing. mightas well enjoy being 14 right?
but it needs to be the right decision.

in the meantime I still try so very hard to forget her but it's so hard....and maybe cuz either love is persistent or I am just reckless and hopeless.

and I must be a super lousy bf type cuz shimin is teaching me everything. I am not going steady with her ok.
sigh...the stuff guys are 'supposed' to do naturally....
maybe this is not the right time, but I am still moulding myself...

I want things to be so very near perfect. And I want to be a good boyfriend...and a good husband..and a good father.....

provided any of those things happen to me. provided I can be. =( provided someone loves me as much as I love her.
I mean, I can really be a gd fren lorhz...ask ppl...but then lately...it seems that's all I can do when it comes to relationships with ppl...
dunno how to express any love bursting in me. cuz so insenstive. =(
I mean i don tok much with my family anymore..
pleez pray for me.
I'm so confused.
=(

Luke Ho
15 Years Old
15/02/1992
New Town Secondary School
Basketballer

Likes

Jesus, my Lord and Saviour
Her--obviously,who else..?
Basketball
Running
Slackin
Any form of games that i am fantastic at


Detests

[x]Betrayers
[x]Liars
[x]Heartbreakers(not directing to me.)
[x]Jerks

Alex

Amanda

Bettina

Charmaine

Cynthia

Dinah

Fanny

Hannah

Hernhern

Jia Wen

Joshua

Jules

Jun Jie

Junice

Kai Yang

Leonard

Liping

Marcus P

Marcus Wee

Marion

Mrs Ang

Mr Ang

Nicolas

Nicole

Pearly

Peggy

Priscilla

Sano

Shimin

Stephie

Sulwyn

Varun

Vera

Xiang Rui

Ximin

Zeken

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