Mood: Frustrated. Slightly humiliated. Injured, tired, angry. bored.

Yeesh!
We lost R.I 48 to 46. In a bball match. Sigh.
I tried real hard to even the score...but at the last second....
Fluke. Big fluke. It's not fair. MEan.

The no.6 keep elbowing me....imbecile cheapskate fouler....wt. It's so unfair. The referees stink.

I'm sleepy. Just completed my hw. But probably going to fail.
And I fail bio. Bio stinks. Yile stinks.
But today I really blasted yile to the limit lorh...i feel sorry for him. He lost in everything.

Ah well.
I hate not being able to RUN!!!!!!

wAHH!!!!
and she was mean. I'm not even irritating....
Slow? OM.
Sheesh.
I think I'll leave this here.
WAnt to sleep and sulk.
bb

Mood : Erratic. Unaware whether to be angry, relieved or sad. And tired.

This....just. Sucks.

Okay. Sunday service went okay, and stuff went mainly okay, and cg was fun, and then went bball with a lot more people then usual.

Well, it was nice they showed an interest. I think.
So later on a bunch of ppl show up larh. And they're like pretty much act tough,so I just had to thrash them in bball. You know how it is.

Then gangster-like ppl make the scene. I wasn't very impressed. Kinda like a scene you see everyday nowadays/
They pretty much wanted someone's bball to play with, and the court to take, so it was pretty mean. Not to mention insulting. think so tough huh.

It resulted in a match by which I played more than 80% at least. I don't know. Still got the power.
Then the big guy want to take me one on one. He wasn't very happy to begin with...I mean, I'm barely 14. He's like..dunno...way older?

Winning 6 to 5 then 6 to 6...then b4 that he keep whacking me...he didn't need to fight me...he already was fighting me....I was really pissed off. When I accidentely hit his leg I was hardly sorry but I apologized anyway. Obviously he still wasn't happy abt it and it sure wasn't about to help my previous injuries....

To make a long story short, he tried to pulverise me and in the end frankie and jules had to help me. Eveyone was very caring...except her obviously, since they're her frens and she doesn't like me too much..but at least she has a reason.

So it was resolved. I told my parents and it was not smart becuz now a lot of things seem to go haywire. Not like I care. I mean it's hurting. I was right and I know it. I did the right thing and I know it. I was good, and hell I know it.

It's not fair at all. Bleh. Hope this dies down and they forget bt it or something.
Thnx to everyone who actually believes and trusts me despite this, unlike some people.

IT's quite hurting to know the ppl who raised you or grew up with don't...believe you...
SO hurting.
Peh. Look in me, not at me.....
Just...

Sigh. I can't forget her. Despite so much pain.

Mood: Tired. Content.

My internal injuries rom yesterday's match are really starting to hurt. But i still have a Super-Hiro to beat tomorrow ( provided he comes to play in the first place, he's celebrating his b'day...) and stuff to do at church....

Still remember what happened last week...really grateful that ppl were able to help me...that they care and believe in me...my family, my friends, my trio....ppl at church...cg......

something deep inside me is awakening...gd or bad...I don't know...
some unknown power, that's for sure.
something that gives me a new insight. that makes me confident. that makes me really good at something.
till that happens.

had study group today, and two tuitions. kinda tiring but well....to do well in studies....
Hope shimin's okay at madeline's party.

why did she go anyway?! haix.
try to be gd and evil at the same time.
but ultimately and always for gd. trust me yep?
3 down.
1 to go.
This will be the most painful most intense battle I've ever imagined....
Both in reality...
And HIJACK.

very well then. explain someday larh,,...
here we go.

Mood: Elated but disappointed in somethings.

Jsut mention the disappointed stuff first. That ms wong a bit the crazy. Very bitchy lorh! Not everyone is at fault larh...crazee...crazee....b****

Can't stand s***s like that. She...um. Better not reveal on the blog.
Hopefully she doesn't deduct so much marks...I never going to take bio for O level.

Now for the good part.

Okay. Firstly the homec test today went pretty well...even though Jun Xiang not here...but then still Ms ravia help me a lot. =) Hope she favours me a little.

Then the bball match against queenstown. Definetely worth mentioning.

Details? Quite a lot. Didn't score 20 points. Or 10. or 5.
Tell ya later..

So anyway, their ace is a guy called weng xiang or wei xiang.Anyway for his height and size he's really ultimate. I never see anyone play like that at his age. Still, he lost to me!!

The match started when subhas scored the first 2 points. After that I kept getting the ball.
They didn't take me seriously at first. =(

10 points later....
First it was the guy with the numberless yellow shirt taller than me. Than it was no. 11 who kept saying ,
" No.12 is mine!"

And it was pretty rough, but I pulled it off with the help of everyone, I got really nervous when hongkai fouled out, even worse when subhas fouled out...but well....

There was a free throw I got to take after scoring, so it was only one throw. But everyone thought it was two, so after I shot it NOBODY went for the rebound!! Sooo funny!!!! The referee stand there with confused face say nothing. I catch my own rebound, shoot, genna fouled and two more free throws!

=) So very very happy. Guess how many points I scored?
PS: It's more than my previous record of 12 ...

27!!! Whoo hoo! Or 28. =) Never scored so much in an official competition. ;)
Yes yes yes. Whooz. Well. Anyway the match is pretty much over.
Everyone was hugging me after the match. Like a dream come true larh. ;)

I feel GREAT. And very powerful. I'm grateful to God cuz he ans my prayer, my dad and bro cuz they went to watch the match, and my ppl who trusted me, including trio. =) Sigh.
No man is an island.
Thanks.

I guess this happiness will last a while, but I still have a bio teacher to deal with, and loads of homework to complete....it's not going to last that long. But in the meantime....
I'll just smile and rest.

Did I not mention the score? 44-39 new town win.

Mood: Content.

Why the heck Zhong Han stick around me? Dunno wad the HECK i ever did for him. Ah well.
Match against queenstown tomorrow...hope I do well.
Lately L1R5 not bad larh.
scared though...my results slowly dropping....
but as long aas my overall is still 77% I'll just celebrate. =)

In the meantime I got to keep up with schwork....fine some time to slack, rest, play ball....

But then time just seems short lately. How sad.

Need more time to think...talk....sleep....play.
Sigh. Don't like sch.

Hope ppl are okay.
nothing much to say now.
got 19/25 for math. very bad leh. compared to some of the class.
but maybe second or third in class for math. smile*
consider what i do in sch not bad already

later.

Mood: Tired...moody...upset.

Just a short note.

Lousy math thing!
Crap larh. Sure fail already.
This sucks.
And the history!
Ace the test then forget to write name and wadeva.
MArks might be genna deducted. Hopefully teacher is merciful.
Otherwise my a1 will be taken from me....

I don wanna lose...
I don wannna lose!!!!!

But I beat hongkai and subhas one on one. =)
and dad came back from overseas!
uess those two are the only gd things today.
slacking off now.

god bless.
later. ;)

oo00.
Sleepy. Tired. Hungry. Slack.

Okay. So here is how it goes....
Lately results not so great. Math also strugglin with factorization. Study so hard still like that...haix.
Hopeully I can get a decent grade. Like 85% like that. =)

If not minimum a1 for math.
Pray. Hope. Pleez.

Keep getting sudden flashbacks. Not say all bad larh. But some a bit conusing.
English get b4 b3 like that. Crap leh. Ms william marks so strict...so unfair leh.
I really need to practice good english.

Miss all my frens from pri sch. The "f" key is not working. Crap. Must press veri hard.
I want to see her again. Dunno why. Maybe cuz haven't see for so long. But then...I'm still over it right?
I think.

After all my tests I wanna spend more time in church. Sing, bs and bball. I think woodlands is a nice area/
Hope can challenge Hiro on sunday!
hmm. plan plan plan. don wanna lose. no matter what. don wanna lose to anyone. meh.

One flashback really got to me though. It was like this...
I was remembering about wanting to impress Jun ( that time pr 5 and just quit ping pong and try bball)
and then remember something really weird. Don't remember exactly what it was. like a feeling.

what did I ever want anyway? sheesh. me and my dreams.
at least at the time it seemed like a goal to work for.
how amusing. all the antics that I tried.
I wonder where that part of me is now? Sigh...occasionlly I'd still like to be a child.
Miss.
A lot.

Ah well. No pain right now...but having a lot of 'I miss you' feelings right now.
also stressed on math tomorrow.
need to sleep then. ;)

take care.
later.

Sleep is really essential or the body....lolx. especially if you're a sleepy me.

Mood: Tired. Sleepy. And a little frustrated and sad...but thankful. Just...thankful.

The power of the drive surges through me!
No one can stop me.

Two things that I actually can use in basketball. Actually. Only those two things.
One is my drive for the ball. When I'm pissed no one so far has stopped my drive...so I guess that's why I don't often beat my friends by many points in 1 on 1, or basically I lose.
I don't exactly hate super-Hiro....

Another is my hook shot uniqueness. Nobody does it at my age or hardly older. =) And it's pretty hard to stop, especially if you're accurate.

But lately my bball has been erratic...I hope this is not a bad sign.
And my atheletism is shortening out. Did SAS actually inflict a long term injury on me?
Scared. Sigh.

Anyway tests so far are going well...just hope I don screw up anything else larh.
Getting along much better with mum. =)
I'm glad....

I wonder how all hpps are doing. Found class photo of 4a. Subhas so fat. lolx.
Jun still really looks something else. Ah well. The intensity is pretty much dead, though.
I wonder...

I don't need to worry bt my future..I guess he has it all planned out for me, just wish I knew what it was.
That when it comes own to it, I won't make the wrong decision.
That I'll be wise. At last I understand that part.

Hope playing Hiro on sunday will help my current performance....

want to do well in everything leh...
am I asking for too much in life? peh.
I want to be so perfect for someone I might actually deserve...to be loving, faithful, loyal...
to be the man that everyone wants in their life.
and that's just the fringe benefit.
where to start? haix.

anyway jsut toked a lot of nonsense and random wonderings. going to sleep cuz can't concentrate on blogging.
hope history test doesn't screw up. later.

whew. I'm thankful I'm still alive today...i think?

Mood: Moody. nevertheless...

Meh. I still got to the concert yesterday by all means necessary, but I only went there cuz it was might as well, and I was pissed off, and it was a nice concert, and didn't feel....

Wadeva. Mum and I are slightly better now. HOpefully she doesn't bear any grudges. Wish she'd not avoid the issue. How to speak to her leh? Peh. Everything's supposed to be my fault now, huh? Tch. And what does that say about my character?

Don't you DARE judge me if you don't know me.

A lot of signs are showing now about what I am, but still confused about the who. Eventually I have to choose....
Got Hiro's hp! Maybe I'll try to convince him to go back to the church...but wanna beat him in bball also..hahax.....

Anyway, had to have make up tuition today at very far place near Bukit Panjang, and the teacher was pro. No way it made up for not going to church at all today though, I was never more pissed with my mum since the last time I ran from home.

Running...is...so easy...but...I guess it doesn't solve anything..
Pity for some people. There is no problem, yet they run from it.
At least there's something to be happy about.

I'm in love with classics! Well. At least the songs. But it's not as if I wasn't before..=)
Hmm. Although just maybe...I should actually TRY listening to chinese songs. Just a couple if they sound very sweet.,,;)

I have no idea what happened at church...wahhz!! IT's not as if I get much time there anywhere. And whole of next weeks got tests...that just pisses me off.

Ugh...should have known my happiness wouldn't last so long!!

*Thanks to everyone who helped me, prayed for me and believed in me.
*Thanks to Joel my bro for being so cool bt yesterday.

Let the power surge through me...
Consuming......

Mood: Unhappy and grumpy.

I hate tests. It really sucks.
Now then I only realize I can change the colour of my words. After two years..lolx.
The effect is very nice! =)

Ah well. Anyway....I really hate not being able to attend the concert today....haix. At church larh. A bit far, and with tuition and study group...
What does he want?!

tomorrow also cannot stay back.....really want to complain leh. Tests really stink. Hope soemone can help me...

My bio going to fail!
Bleh.

Sheesh. And yarh, my mum sucks.
LAter.

Mood: Fine

Okay. Missed out oneday.

Feb 16th
Was able to run! It's been two days since my major injury. Anyway , still can't jump nor sprint or additional movements to bball, but nevertheless...should be okay by next week.

NOt so easy to cope in class...but e got new math teacher who's waiting for his A level results...really not bad actually...quite impressive..but apparentely we missed out by 3 weeks of math...so common test real afraid will fail...arrgh. Still, no results less then a2 =) / cept for chinese or artbut that's okay.

NEarly fail chinese. Arrgh. Then math get super sizzling A1 90 plus. Peh. How ironic.
I wonder how long I'm going to be soo happy.
Maybe not on sunday.
Probably not on sunday.
But lately, I've never been half beyond myself as I have now. The feeling is unbelievable.
I can be so wild..so free....so passionate...( grin*)
Thank you...

Feb 17th
Bio sucks. I think my worst subjects are art, chinese and then bio. All like 50 something. Then the rest 70 something and above. How to get top class like this? Don wanna have to study as hard as joel....
peh. or maybe jsut very lazy.

Math okay larh..but still never learn enough...i want to get a1 for math!! still do..
want to be the best. no one can beat me in anything. no way. especially if I don like the person.

meh. feel very evil. anyway...
had the health check today...have to take off shirt and all that wadeva weird stuff they do behind the screen....all my frens keep making funee but sick jokes...haiz...never grow up.
sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be as typical as them.
not THAT typical.

home ec first got 28/35....disappointed at first cuz i studied so very hard for this one...then later pull up by two marks cuz teacher make mistake..=) like top 10 in class for now? ;) percentage is like 85.7! whoo hoo!
then suddenlyall sorts of tests start popping up for next week. crap.
Monday got science and bio. Science on Light, Bio on Dna and diffusion osmosis. so complicated.
Tuesday on History. Hate history. only the subject...not gd in memorizing..so troublesome...
Wednesday got MATH. Don wanna do badly leh...all previous math teacher fault..no time ta study....crap leh.
Thursday got chinese spelling. No sweat for most ppl, for me it's like a test. struggle to pass.
Friday got home ec practical..

nononono! mum won't let me stay back on sunday if she knows bt this...maybe shldn't tell her...but then if don do well? bleh. love being in church on sundays. i really don't get enough time in church...only once a week in his home....and pretty hard to get there too....

sometimes I wonder in this kind of situation what is right. Am I just usin him as an excuse or do I turst him to work miracles for me?

at least can sleep late today. =)
well....the current score for eliminating current feelings for certain people.
3/4.
Let's end this ....let the pain go away... no matter if it makes you hate me....
I will, I will...always love you.
I hate to do this.
Here. We. Go.

Mood: Relatively happy. ;) =) It is my birthday!

heyhey.
today a lot of ppl ask me how I am...lolx! Since yesterday got carried off the court ( literally0 guess ppl really carefor me. =) Nice to know. Then they forget my b'day....hahahahaha.

They remembered b4 end of day at least. Thanks everyone! It's nice to know ppl care for me. Really...espically when my life was pretty down.
Hopefully this is where mylife takes a turn....

Peh. MArcus Lim said what I told him...is basically assumption....well...dunno what to say to that...he's still older...more mature? Well...more then he appears to be anyway...thnx for the advice anyway.

;) I feel like I've returned to being me....when I was supposed to be dead today...hmm...like everything today just headed my way! Whew. Never kept my cool so well in ms ang's class....and break up not totally painful...no cold war...phew. Hopefully it stays this way. Still have some things to discuss with her though.

Nevertheless...was abit the stupid today...sigh. Oh well. can't win em all. wonder how everyone is doing.

get lots of presents...not expecting much actually...ahahaha! Oh yarh. Need to tag beryl's board..she also b'day today...heh...

Thanks a lot to my mum who will only read this after some time...today is great. ( even though i missed b;day dinner...overslept cuz soooo tired)

Just completed hw. Anyway..nothing much to say...hope everyone's okay....
thanks again!

whew. fourteen now huh. wonder why her life and mine are taking a turn....

This is miserable. THis is hard. This is painful....this is the deexistence of love. Love is gone....
Mood: One of those days when you feel like blaming God for everything cuz you screwed up. That's one of satan's tricks. another one is when you believe you screwed up to begin with. Tough luck devil.

We lost to SAS by 29 points. NEar the death rule of gettting no points at all...is R.I...Stronger...arrgh!!
Anyway/ I scored 8 outta the 24..so wasted...we had 13 points first quarter...leg let me down..had to be carried of the court....crap.
Still top scorer. Is that supposed to be good? No! All low scoring games so far. And I can't run.

Peh. Miserable. But nevertheless....I know what I'm doing.
Do I? Today I got caught up in the heat of Valentine's Day and remembering a lot of things makes me miserable. I got so...confused that when shimin and I spent time together I just thought I fell for her. In the end, I nearly asked her out. I probably wasn't thinking right. I do know the purpose of steading or bgr is still marriage....but might as well cherish the time I love her right? Maybe? Just maybe?

Stupid Luke. Fall for alll the girls who end up ignoring or hating me. No such thing as ppl loving me. NO SUCH THING. For someone like me, nobody tells me they love me. Nobody who says they do mean it. MAybe I'm wrong bt shimin. Maybe I was wrong about a lot of things. Maybe...

I know this is wrong. Or foolish. But. I think this either will end in a painful breakup or a very good frenship or a even closer bond. Don't know. Don't care about what anyone says or does. I have to trust myself for once.
I was wrong....about Ms Ang. She doesn't take me seriously. Besides, she's like, older? By a lot?
Wrong about Junice. She...wouldn't respond to my love anyway...besides...she's too popular..and I can't give her anything....
Wrong about Ximin. She....nah. She hates me. I think. Either that or she doesn't care at all anyway.
Wrong about Yanlin. She..well. My fault totally. Sigh. Maybe not totally...but I still dunno why she started ignoring me....haix. Hate to end like that.....

So close to love...yet so far. To love...and let the love remain unrequited. That is pain. So much suffering. So much waste.
Maybe not...cuz I haven't eactly expressed that love.
Maybe not...cuz I chose the pain.

Let's do this. Let's finish the pain, end it once and for all. Let Luke Ho be Luke Ho.
Let Alter be Alter.
Let Abomination be Abomination.
Darkness to Darkness, Shadow to Shadow.

Someday...I ask him...and hope he'll tell me what to do...to end this all.
My choices...make me.
....I can't go on like this.....

What are you.
Who are you.
What am I?
Who am I?
All I know is love and hatred. Nothing else exists.....nothing. nothing. pitch black darkness. pity. there's still light...but so afraid to be seen......
I love you....and hate you...and just can't forget you. God knows why. I sure don't.
This is a sad and brutal game we play.
We take no prisoners. No casualities.
If you want a war....be that way.
I...am not him. I don't love like him....can't love like him.....
eventually u just..hate. and hate more.
My name is Luke Ho.
I know all the rules. This is my game.
My name is Luke Ho.
Payback time.....

Mood: Angry, hurt, depressed...regretful...mournful...and thinking. And hoping. But..there's..no hope left.

THis is what spooiled idiots do.
they yell at the person they're crazy about cuz of stupid matters.
my name is Luke ho. And I am a spoiled idiot.

still. you can't help but notice and wonder why you love in the first place. is it worth the pain and the hopelessness just to have love doomed to remain unrequited?
People know. Who do you think you are? WHo do you think I am?

is she worth it anymore.....is she worth it......all the struggle...the pain........
diedie. DIE. All of it. Destroy every foolish, reckless, painful feeling that ever existed for her. I live for no one on this earth. No one. Die for no one. Exist for no one. I am all I am.

And I am going to decide...very soon....so soon....


Okay. Today I screwed up everything. So far all my studies is like a pretty pathetic a2 average, and I failed art. not going as well as I thought.
firstly, we only won UWC by a narrow margin of 5 points. Not smart to brag as much as they did. They got what they deserve...but...we...did also....

Still top scorer, but not for this match. Sidney was awesome today. =) Nice game!
20 points in 2 matches. Not so bad for a Luke Ho RenHui.

My history test was totally wasted....arrgh...still a2...losing out to junjie again this year!! noo!!!!!!
I can't afford to lose....crap....especially since art and chinese marks not counted yet...

please, for anyone who cares bt me...I am asking, begging you to pray for me. and not just for my results....you know.
i can't go on like this. No one is stupid enough to choose to love and feel pain rather then stay the way I am.
I am..all I am. And you....know.

I don't....believe in true love on this world anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

pray for me. please. I'm dying....
and I know you will be, cuz I'll be praying for you...

Mood: Previously bitter, now relatively happy.

She said it so directly I had to catch my breath for a moment.

Anyway, thanks to her I feel so much better now. A bit moody, a little relieved, a little disappointed. Guess life is like that.
Bet she doesn't know she wa passing his message. It is a sign. Lolx.

Is she a fraud? I'll never know. I mean the other one.
My feelings for her won't go till I find out myself....in the meantime, I have to find myself.

Sunday...
Dad went overseas.
Loved every moment of service and cg.
And when I saw her, I wiped out. fool. Feelings will only get you hurt...especially if you don't know your motive.

I miss her. I love her.
So heartsick. So naive.
Had I not found out a reason today.....

Whats the truth? To trust them or myself?
What do I know?
What do I believe.

hahaha.
I believe that no one is complete without him. That every one's life is black until the light slices through the darkness.
And these little candles also light up your life. they're your friends, your family, the people you love, the people who love you.

THis is my life.

My name is Luke Ho.
I am so different from all of me. I am all I am.
I know all the rules.
This is a new game. A war.
No casualities.
No prisoners.

All death and destruction.
My name is Luke Ho.

I know there are people who will always support and love me. These are the lights the light the way. Every step you take there is someone....

My name is Luke Ho.
This is my game now....

Actual Time: 10. 45a.m
Mood: Tired. Sleepy. Hungry. Depressed. Wishful thinking.

Since I don't have time to type later....I have the feelign sppl shouldn't come here to get depressed. Hopefully something good actually happens later.

I just gave up. I was right. I am a big quitter. And every inch of me is still dying, still bursting to do something. But no. The heart doesn't rule over the soul right now.

The pain slowly increases...very slowly, very painfully. I am guessing it'll die down when I am least expecting it.
In the meantime, Luke Ho is a very moody, rash, violent, mean and depressed person. Keep away from me for today.

I hate being hyper sensitive. I hate being A HIJACKER ( although I'dnver tot i'd say that)
and I have 2 tuitions today. why can't I like, not have any more tuitions?!
At least for math and science.

I have no free time anymore!!
Even if I tried to drop by church it would be for the wrong reasons.

Just remembering the ppl from the church in bukit timah, being the cream of the crop in the sunday school classes....
look at me now. look in me now.
I am so different from all of me. I am all I am.

And sad to say,
there is no hope.
There is no hope.

Actual time: 11.11pm

Mood: Better. Sleepy. and wondering. A little crazy.

Another job for yours truly, leader of M.I, one of the most powerful HIJACKERS.
And that is? Well. Not telling ya.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
evil grin*
Anyway finished boring tuition and lots of laughter at study group. tuition stinks.
very late now.
tomorrow's agenda is to play bball. lots of bball. to vend anger. and while at church, hope for an answer.
love her.
love her with all my heart an soul.
now i'm crazy.
ahahahahaha. shoot me, shoot me!!!
whooo.

Wonder why all this weird stuff is happening. Not all of it is painful, but kinda weird. I need this...time...to find me. Find all of me.

Wonder if she'll ever love me half as much as I to her. Not a chance, but it would be.....
Wonder what my results will be like. So far bio A1 ( super rare), math a1 ( whoohoo! ) , english a2 ( k..?)
I failed art. No surprise there.
Hate madeline yeo. Not my neighbour. My neighbour is very funny and sweet and heartfelt. Not liek my classmate. HMMPH.
and to think yours truly is trying so hard to be kind. arrgh! people are thinking weird things lately.

ooo000000hh. evil.
Evil me.

Mood : Dying. Stupid. Reckless. Hurt. And not thinking clearly. Only happy bt tests. Big deal. Sigh. =( =( =( =( -=( =( =)

When I look at her I see many things.
Firstly, flashbacks of before. It was nice. Nothing special anymore. When you've developed someone new within you that uses different things to bury feeling you're not the same anymore.

Next...many many many painful feelings come in mind. you just want to die. Every moment that you live you want to die..if you don't have her.

And finally....depressioon. But mostly you keep it to yourself. Pretty noticeable though.

I saw her today. Why was she there I have no idea. And that part was just bursting out of me. I want her. I need her. Ive gone mad.

And I killed it. Destroyed every inch of existence in it. And something within me changed.
I'm scared. What did I do to myself?

I never saw her face. Too dark for that. And I didn't look like I was looking anyway.
So different from all of me.

Me. I just love hating me. I'm a athlete who doesn't look like one, pretty much the opposite.
I have lots of pimples for some reason.
I smell bad for some reason.
I'm not intelligent for some reason.
And I've got all these talents and responsibilities i don't want for some reason.
And a lot of problems for some reason.

Dear Heavenly Father? What is the reason?
I kinda know there's a purpose.

But hey.
This really stinks.

Me. I'm really...burstign to say and do something. To say ' I love you. ' To say how much she means to me. A lot of things.
And I hate, I HATE keeping it to myself!!!!

It cuts and cuts again.
When i see her my heart sinks like a stone.

I cry no longer because I love her so.
I cry because I know, there is no more hope left.
There is no more hope left.
For me.

Mood: Sleepy, excited, and yet hurt. =) =(

When you've got a infatuation as bad as the one you had that lasted nearly 8 years, you've got a major problem. When you can't get rid of those feelings so she won't ignore you, you've got another problem.
When you're Christian and you still don' know the answers to your questions, when you ask and ou wait...and wait....and you have no patience, you have another problem.
When people turn to you for help you've got a problem.
When you agree to help them you've got a problem.
OR maybe just an idiot.

Helpful idiot? HAhaha.

Nah. Helping is nothin to brag about.
PRetend i didn't say those lines earlier.

When you've got things piling up, and people you want to help but can't help yourself, you're just mad.

And when your name's Luke Ho, it tops it all off.

Hi. My name is Luke Ho.

Oh yarh. If you also have a crush on your teacher tha's really the last straw. *sigh.* later.


Okay. I found a way to get rid of most of these hyper sensitive HIJACKED feelings.
By using compromise and smarts and psychological sense. Don't worry, I asked him already.

She is one year older then me right? So I look at all the girls in my school one year older then me. I choke and smirk. Seriously? Not one of them are half as cute as she is. And probably not nice either.

As for the teacher crush thing? Even easier. Have you seen how grown ups look lately?
It's a lot easier o bury my feelings this way, as least for now.

Anyway, I have a match with Queenstown tomorrow, so me and subhas and hongkai, the practically aces already are really excited. Although I dare say Hong Kai is just relaxed. I envy the both of the...they've improved so much lately and I haven't. and they even look the handsome sports athlete type.

why not me? I'm as fit as they are. just look nerdy with glasses and thin and bony and not fit at all.
Just look in me, not at me.
At least for New Town Guys.
=( Am I like....um. Hmm. Maybe someone could help me look better. I just don't look good. Lolx.

But in the meantime, I am me. No matter if I can't look at them anymore.
I still have a life to live. For him and for ppl who love me.
Just waiting.
For the right moment.

Mood: Lousy, upset, very hurt.

I keep getting crappy flashbacks of all the lousy times. with her and with her.
I hate it. Every moment feels so painful. It's...breaking me heart and shattering it into a thousand pieces. Waiting for the wound to heal before it happens again.

Sigh...so lousy at bball today....subhas improved so much and I improved so little...arrgh!

And nothing else seems right. =( very painful.
to love and to love more.
and to die.
eventually, people just won't get it.

this is a really short note.
What makes me. Luke Ho RenHui. So different?

Because I know the rules. I know all of them. I have all the questions. All the answer. Unusual for someone my age. Way too unusual. peh.

And what makes me even more different?
I don't listen to them. Never do.

Mood: Sleepy, sad....and really disheartened. Still, there is always something to laugh about.

Some angels don't have wings. They're called friends.

Okay. So far here's the story.
My name is Luke Ho. 14 this year, might be the star of the basketball team, best sec 2 runner in the school. The school is New Town though.

Right now I've got a lot of problems. So let's just get back to the people who actually know me.
Math test tomorrow....arrgh!! This stinks. Guess I don't really have much say right now. Anyway, my big plan is totally not falling into place, but my back up plan just might. I have to see how she reacts ...

Anticipating, analysing and observing. See one and know all.
Sigh. The job of an ex mastermind. Obviously I still have the talents of organizing....( i think? haha....that's totally arrogant) and maybe still pretty good at the plan making. Hopefully this works.....

This really keeps my mind of any crush or infatutation I might have. Like I said, everyone wins.
I know she's happy.

Next. To NEw Town ppl? That ' Marry me, Shimin.' thing is a total misunderstanding. Nobody does this for fun k? And I know what I am doing. Jsut see what I do later. ;)

I'm going to fail math....for the first time...arrgh.....crappy math teacher. Not helping ok.

And tomorrow match genna postponed to goodness knows when. I wanted to be around woodlands area. Hopefully church ppl can support me...hahax.
I wish.

It's time to reveal the biggest plot of all.....

evil laughter*
I can still use evil's weapons until now. Problem is, I never know what and how it will affect me.

Ms ang didn' come today? Hmm. Hopefully not tomorrow. That way science don pass up so fast...got more time to do corrections and recheck etc.

Besides. Time is really wasted on stuff like music and art.
Which reminds me. I failed my first two art assignments. I totally do not like our new art teacher. I actually PASSED last year. Chinese did better. And ppl who know me sure know that my chinese isn't half as gd as yours.

Wonder how hpps ppl are doing.
Wonder how jun is doing actually. Hmm. The weird things is that after the infatuation goes away, the care and hope remains. I think it's better that way.

No time for relationships...hahaha...
girls don't chase after guys like me...
guys chase after girls like them.....

haiz. sleep and moan sadly.* =)

Mood: Heartsick....slightly ok....sleepy.

I am in love!!!
I think. Peh.

I just removed the password! Ah well. More or less free I suppose. Who the heck is CJ? Hmm. haha.....
The tests were more demanding then anticipated, but okay. As for the great big plan, i'm not sure. It's taking my mind of the matters that aren't so important....like dreaming....and dreaming....and um. thinking>? =(

I really can't imagine if life continues on like this. I can't express any feelings....can't keep them restrained...and at the same time, no way is it going to work. Never.

At least it's proven some ppl actually like me a little more. =)
I kinda wonder why I cried yesterday/.

People only cry when they're in pain or in love. Lately it's the same thing.
Loving someone...and being in love...is so different......
And if you fall, you'll never pick yourself up again.

thnx for ppl who helped me through.

Whew. Next thing. Why is that guy screaming in my head that I'm super pathetic? I kinda know that already.
Having my old self sticking around is not helping me. Especially not with self-motivation.

So if I like her....then I should lose feelings for her? But if I love her, what should I do?
Now is the moment where I say, " I hate my life" for the howmanyeth time.

Life's challenges are difficult. But that's reality.
I found a girl who reminds me of what I was before...except I was worse....but now....
If I can change her life by using the talents I have been given. =)

And that will take my mind of things. Things that don't matter, things that won't happen, things that I dream will never come true, things that I long to say and do to express with love and eternity.

Pity life itself was never meant to be fair.

I know she's happy.
I know she's happy,
I know he's happy.
I know the trio's happy.

4 down. Last one to go.
And 2 down. Two more to wait for....

Mood: Relatively elated. Unhappy bt certain things.

She talked to me!!! She talked to me!!!!! whooo hoo!!!!!!
I feel GREAT. At least abt this anyway. Generally on sundays I complain abt getting um. no attention at all?
Block catching looks fun. Wish I could stay in woodlands longer each week.

Sigh. If I like her so much how come I keep thinking of ms?
Sheesh. Me and my self, and I.

So much different from all of me.

Okay right now I just heard something that I LOVE and I feel great!!! yay! i'm not telling ya what it is!
Okay I heard something else and I'm back to swearing my life off. At least she toks to me. I think.

End. I just feel sad. now.
My heart was warmed...and it just froze.
from spring to winter.

Mood : Sleepy. Don wanna go for tuition. wahh.

Ookay. Firstly i am wondering if I should get baptized the nextt time after this month.
Secondly I'll just admit I lose right here right n0w so I won't keep getting jealous.

Let's just face it. I'm not a super I love God person. I sure don't exactly love him with a passion that never dies. And i always blame him. Happy? It's kidna like confessing sins that aren't so obvious.

Maybe I am supposed to do something now. Hmm.

anyway everyone loves her. that's gd. okay. next topic.

missed ting xie becuz of cheap means. don ask. lolx. i'll write it down in my diary so u can see someday if i disappear.

Next. I have huge amount of tests but right now I'm relaxing. No one can pull off studying for so many tests, going to church tomorrow....etcetcetc.

I wanted to get involved in all sorts of church thing which I can't cuz i live so far away and I have no time.
What I am doing with my time?!
Well you'll have to read that someday too.

I figure a good rest will release the tension.

I have a kneee injury and arm cramp. Not good when you're playing the best sch in the division next wednesday. The sch is S.A.S. I think it's in woodlands ring! Hopefully I can drop by church and hang out a little. yeah right. teach-in-charge would nv allow that.

I'm chicken, right now. And tense and nervous for many things. and sleepiness overwhelmes all of that.
Pleez pray for me if you're chritian. if not pleez hopee like crazy.

but at least nothing horribly bad is going on in my life? I think.

Hmm. Pity.
I have to let go for a while...

Mood : Scared. Well. No. I fear nothing from man. But....hmm. A little sad.

Clarence, you better not be serious bt being gay cuz otherwise I just don't know you k? You've changed way too much....i sure didn't expect this from an ex-best fren.

Now I'm freaked out. Still, he's probably not serious. Furthermore, i'm not a girl and lesban, so why shld she be afraid of me?

Peh. No fear.
My new plan just isn't working out. I hope everyone agrees with me somehow. This needs to work.

Everyone wins.

She'll change. For the better. That is, i f I can pull off my final phase.
Then she'lll leave the girls alone for a while....
Then I'll be taking my mind of ms for a long time while working these plans out.....
And be changing her future.
And this...just has to work. For the good of everyone.
They are depending on me now? Maybe.

I hope so. i hope people trust me.

I have loads of tests right now.

Monday i have home ec and history.
Wed I have math.
the week after that I have physics and chinese.
the week after that I have bio.
kinda squeezy. mum probably will make me miss cg a while. sad.

nd to sleep. actual time now is 12.13am saturday 5th feb. 1o days to go.
phew....

Mood : Very powerful, very relaxed, but slightly nervous cuz of tests.

Phew.
Alright! Great day!

In more ways then one.

Firstly I get to miss chinese spelling. Lolx. hahhahahahaahhaha.

Then math 3 periods super free cuz mrs lim nv come. hooray.
then lunch very gd.
tok to grace and joan and wanting for a very very long long time.

Very sleepy. So I had a nap.
Mum is only giving me 10 min on this com. Not fair.

I totally have no time. Not like she knows that right?
Sighz.

Hmm. Wonder when madeline is going to use her brain.
Please larh. no one wants to go through life as an outcast. even yile has friends! otherwise I would be more sympathetic towards him.

i think i have frens.
i know i have frens. =)

I know ppl don always understand, bu at least they try. And care. =)

I'll be ok.....for now.

Ahahahahaha.

I can crush your heart and soul and mind without touching you.....
But only if I need to.

Mood : Defintely lousy. I notice there's a pattern for a certain day.

I'm tired...sick...angry.

Naturally.
Ms ang was totally not in a good mood. Obviously I got punished for the mind map thing, so....etcetcetc.
And a lot of other stuff. GOt tired with sch....so much homework which I only just completed....angry abt bt a lot of unfairness stuff....still pissed bt what happened on friday.....and a lot of other other stuff. Sleepy.

I miss her. And I'm going to keep missing her. Nothing seems right.
Seems.

I'm ...
Just...
Ready to burst into flame........

Ad something evil and powerful seems to unleash in me......
It's scary.
I..don't know what to do.....

Something i jsut remembered brings me a bit of comfort. Just a bit. Better then nothing....
Am I so lacking in faith? Shame. Especially how Ximin and Renfred turned out to be. And look at me? I'm hardly even grateful.

Writing does reflect the truth.

Today's verse by leader. For me to live is Christ, to die is gain. Something like that. I got to remember what exactly it was.
And a very simple song.

His love is warmer then the warmest sunshine
Softer then a sigh
His love is deeper then the deepest oceans
Wider then the sky
His love is brighter then the birghtest stars
That shine every night above
And there is nothing in this world that can ever change his love.

thank god for helping me with my studies.

right now i'll just stay pissed. please help me.

this power is the key
the power changes me!

Luke Ho
15 Years Old
15/02/1992
New Town Secondary School
Basketballer

Likes

Jesus, my Lord and Saviour
Her--obviously,who else..?
Basketball
Running
Slackin
Any form of games that i am fantastic at


Detests

[x]Betrayers
[x]Liars
[x]Heartbreakers(not directing to me.)
[x]Jerks

Alex

Amanda

Bettina

Charmaine

Cynthia

Dinah

Fanny

Hannah

Hernhern

Jia Wen

Joshua

Jules

Jun Jie

Junice

Kai Yang

Leonard

Liping

Marcus P

Marcus Wee

Marion

Mrs Ang

Mr Ang

Nicolas

Nicole

Pearly

Peggy

Priscilla

Sano

Shimin

Stephie

Sulwyn

Varun

Vera

Xiang Rui

Ximin

Zeken

Class blog

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