Mood : Sleepy....tired...lazy....slightly not content. And passionate.

Sigh....long day today.
First me and Joel had to do housework..then we play cards with our new decks intil lunch...after lunch study...tok online a while...watch frens....then at night play bball....and swimming...and table soccer....

And now I'm back home. I wanted to say something to someone. Just felt like one of the days your heart is bursting to say something/

I wonder if she's okay.
I found out that the new one is evil. Not totally....but I'd hate to take her down. Especially....since......

This is going to be painful.
Anyway tomorrow's basketball shld be tiring...I hope i'll be okay....and I don't want anything really bad to happen.

I'm..okay. Just a little confused..tired.
Done nothing much worthwhile today.
I still have a job to do.
No matter how painful it wil be.

And I can't say until it's done....

Mood : Sleepy....tired...lazy....slightly not content. And passionate.

Sigh....long day today.
First me and Joel had to do housework..then we play cards with our new decks intil lunch...after lunch study...tok online a while...watch frens....then at night play bball....and swimming...and table soccer....

And now I'm back home. I wanted to say something to someone. Just felt like one of the days your heart is bursting to say something/

I wonder if she's okay.
I found out that the new one is evil. Not totally....but I'd hate to take her down. Especially....since......

This is going to be painful.
Anyway tomorrow's basketball shld be tiring...I hope i'll be okay....and I don't want anything really bad to happen.

I'm..okay. Just a little confused..tired.
Done nothing much worthwhile today.
I still have a job to do.
No matter how painful it wil be.

And I can't say until it's done....

Just got enough time to put this in.....

Luke, your true color is Red!

Your color is red, the color of racy sportscars, blushing cheeks, and luscious roses. Red symbolizes passion, romance, and love. So, since you're ruled by red, you probably trust your feelings more than your brain and tend to act spontaneously. If you see something you want, you go for it without thinking twice — impulsive is your middle name. You don't wait around for people to make decisions, either; you dive right in. Quite the romantic, you pay close attention to your emotions. In fact, if your heart isn't in what you're doing, you won't be satisfied. Of course, even when you do pour all your energy into the projects you tackle, your impetuous nature means your passions can shift as frequently as the wind. That's why some reds have trouble with commitment. Our advice? Next time you're feeling fickle, think before you act, if possible. You might be surprised at the results. Overall, though, it's great to be red. No one lives life more completely than you do.

I have the feeling michael chee cheong fan is in my life for more reasons then one.
At least this is not as surprising as previously. based on my so called 'personality?'

7 or 8 out of 10. peh.
anyway see what u guys think.
later.

Mood: Complainiing person. But content with today. =) Jsut one smile.

I want to join Odysey of the Mind.
I want to play basketball everyday with my ppl.
I want to collect more money.
I want to join the captain's ball team at church.
But i can't want anything!! Wahhh!!

Or I can't get anything I want right now anyway. Sighz.
And to top it off school is coming round' on monday, ppl will be askin me regarding friday, and I missed out stuff I wanna do.
I just want to be so free. Play all the time. See her smile.
And yea, i have tuition on sat from now on.
Are my marks not good enough?
Sheesh.

Actually they're not.
I haven't completed revision for Home Ec and History yet.

If you're Chritian pleez pray for my tests. If you're not and you're Tom or waikeat, pleez hope. Or just hope anyway. I need a lot of it.

LAtely I don't have much free time....=(

And now for the good things of today.
I saw her smile on Sunday. So ...wow. No words describe it.
I saw ms ang smile on friday also, but it was becuz she was laughing. Not funny when someone doesn't take ya seriously. PEh. if only she knew....

bleeh. Anyway at least got loads of cash from hongbao's....=) . First thing I like that's got something to do with chinese. =)
What a great custom! LOlx.
if i get married, i won't be saying that anymore.

but that's later.
much later.

wonder if I can get Hiro and his gang to challenge a bball match.
Sigh. So bored...and yet got so much work to do. At least got time to blog. =)

I decided to take today and tuesday off, and so I have no idea whether I can study in time.

Hope. =)

And lastly the serious and very sian and boring part. i guess this is why very little ppl come here. not like ximin. ppl tag her blog everyday.

don't ask how I know.

Wonder what life would be like if i were not christian?
Like...how evil would I be?
How dangerous?
Hmm.
It's somethign to be grateful for, not think about.
my life was changed becuz god sent jun into my life. and that was the beginning of the beginning.
and the beginning of the end.
my diarys are located in a file on the com. if i disappeat pleez look for it.
I'm worried because something bad is going to happen soon.

Mood: Elated....empowered....very appreciative of life. ( way too many smiles today)

Whoo hee!
Chinese new year!
And that means $$$$$!!!
I'm sure you guys know about hat already.
Today's sermon was not exactly exciting...but interesting. About the river.
Won't tok bt what it meant to be. THat I will keep to myself.
I liked the song breathe. It's...very heartwarming.

How am I supposed to collect the tickets from atalia?! Crapp....arrgh.

Hahax.
She looks so different with glasses. Well...doesn't make her look worse.

Pity...I didn't get to see her much.
Hardly at all recently.
I guess cuz of change....

But I'm happy. I've started to feel a bit more grateful then usual. EVen when I'm down. I mean it this time!

I should treasure the frens I had and have in pri sch and remember them for who they are, now and previously. ( whether...um. drastic changes....)
And I should be grateful...I can wake up each morning to see the sunrise! ( not really actually. but when I can it's nice. =) )

and that every moment I live is...different.

I am not going to say should be..I am going to say I am....

I am glad that ms ang can get married anytime....at least someone is. Someone who I have feelings for.
I am grateful for my high math results lately.
I am grateful that at least I nearly got out of the green guardian thing.
I am content with tests and projects.....for now. ( wink* )
I'm grateful ppl even come here to read all of this.
Even if I'm not as popular as I would like to be.

That I have talents.
That I can live, no matter how painful it is.
That I know that there are people who love me....

And I beat him today. Just today. Every day I just have to take him down.

I'm glad...I can write this truthfully and honestly.

I still hope I can say what I need to say though, when the time comes.....
but I'm looking forward to it.

maybe it's just intuition?*
hmm/.

I long to see you smile everyday.

Mood: Elated....empowered....very appreciative of life. ( way too many smiles today)

Whoo hee!
Chinese new year!
And that means $$$$$!!!
I'm sure you guys know about hat already.
Today's sermon was not exactly exciting...but interesting. About the river.
Won't tok bt what it meant to be. THat I will keep to myself.
I liked the song breathe. It's...very heartwarming.

How am I supposed to collect the tickets from atalia?! Crapp....arrgh.

Hahax.
She looks so different with glasses. Well...doesn't make her look worse.

Pity...I didn't get to see her much.
Hardly at all recently.
I guess cuz of change....

But I'm happy. I've started to feel a bit more grateful then usual. EVen when I'm down. I mean it this time!

I should treasure the frens I had and have in pri sch and remember them for who they are, now and previously. ( whether...um. drastic changes....)
And I should be grateful...I can wake up each morning to see the sunrise! ( not really actually. but when I can it's nice. =) )

and that every moment I live is...different.

I am not going to say should be..I am going to say I am....

I am glad that ms ang can get married anytime....at least someone is. Someone who I have feelings for.
I am grateful for my high math results lately.
I am grateful that at least I nearly got out of the green guardian thing.
I am content with tests and projects.....for now. ( wink* )
I'm grateful ppl even come here to read all of this.
Even if I'm not as popular as I would like to be.

That I have talents.
That I can live, no matter how painful it is.
That I know that there are people who love me....

And I beat him today. Just today. Every day I just have to take him down.

I'm glad...I can write this truthfully and honestly.

I still hope I can say what I need to say though, when the time comes.....
but I'm looking forward to it.

maybe it's just intuition?*
hmm/.

I long to see you smile everyday.

Mood: IF you asked me a trick question now, I would be easily fooled. And tired. And boring.
Don't even listen to me/

The darkness is really good. So far my HIJACKING has throughly been interfered with my my dark sides. As for studies, it's going well, but not ...well? enough? Peh.

I imagine her smiling. She looks so beautiful when she smiles. Beauty is something to be appreciated, not as a tool for darker means.

I wonder why she's so free. Just...how do they do it? It's just not very fair. Why am I so different?

Why am I who and what I am?
Is the answer going to come soon?

It's...discouraging.
When I know when she's happy, self sacrifice and love tells me to be happy. THat was the entire point.
Selfishness and personal desires tell me to be sad...angry...hurt...jealous....envious...so far, it's really working.

I don't think I've ever actually gotten the attention and love people need. But then again, if i haven't who has?
What a pity for my condition. I don't know. Maybe I should just give up trying to ...beat these feelings. Maybe they're not meant to be beaten. Maybe it's...meant to be?

MAybe it's okay to let unfairness and injustice go ahead in this world. What's the point if you can't make a difference?

By the time you find the I in you, there is just so little time left.
So jealous. Hurt. Envious. ANgry.

I don't understand these emotions. At all.

Just hold on for a little while longer.
I just want to be loved.

Mood: NEarly didn't stop crying. Now i feel refreshed. Not happy. Not sad. Content. =)

Peh. Today chinese new year celebration was a total failure. I have to admit yanlin looked nice though. People were nudging me. She doesn't even LIKE me anymore? Sigh. People don't get that. And shimin keeps accusing me of making silly decisions..like shld have asked her out first or something like that.

Have I mentioned what a pathetic bf I am? Or not even bf. Jsut a date.

I have no cash. Can't provide anything,, I like being alone...I am totally lousy at this thing.

WOnder how yong siang does it. lolx.

I don't know what to do now. Mostly homework and housework and chinese new year stuff.
How annoying. Not to mention troublesome.

Some part of me still wishes she could have told me outright. To crush and flatten me directly.
Some part of me still...wants to see her smile.

How pathetic.
Humans by their own will...are so...weak.

I guess that's why ppl have god.
Maybe it's not nice to say ppl are weak...but..i guess they are.

Sigh. Asking now...what do you want me to do?
What's the call?

I don't know who I am, what I am, whether there's an I in me, whether there's a me in Luke.
Whether I am meant to be what I am now.

I am just...all I am.
Now it makes sense.

I don't know. Even if I knew, I don't listen.
But i can say this.
I am willing to try. To conquer the darker side of the past evil that lies in my life.
I want to find out.
I need to find out.

There's a difference between want and need.
There'a difference between loving someone and being in love.

glimmer of light at last.*

Mood: Totally depressed. No need to draw small faces this time, I'm sure you all know why.

There was nothing to say.
My name is Luke Ho. And as everyone should know by now, I'm exceptional. I'm different.
Everyone has hard times.


Just different.

Today..was nothing worth mentioning. I'm just kinda disappointed. In me, in some of the people who tried to help me. I guess I'm not such a martyr sort of person after all. More like the selfish brat.

Nothing is right right now, so I presume after finishing mrs lee's work I'm going to sulk around. I'm tired. I fell asleep.

and i have tuition later.

I found a cheap meal at kfc which is really good deal. =) I guess that's the only thing that was good today, except madeline only threatened to whack me twice and I have been talking to shimin. I mean I still miss time with yanlin but anything's better then nothing.

And I just wanted to tell her how I felt. I decided. That's all I want to do.

Whether she doesn't take it seriously. There is no, 'or not'.
I'm just a fool. It will be the end of me for that period of time.
I know what to do.
I just...don't listen.

help..

OOkay.
I met ms chan and mrs ang together!
it was quite interesting...seeing them together sicne they..both know.

Anyway. I find myself in a weird position. I'm guessing she already saw my mail and right now, i'm sort of confused. I guess teachers are a lot smarter then i tot.

Anyway...now I....need...to know.....

Nah.
Forget it...

I've just missing someone all of someone a long time. Very weird.
She's suddenly...just seems so...beautiful?
Nah. Haha...
Not in love. Just confused.
That's trange.
I've never been more confused then lovesick.
I think Ellice can become a pastor....lolx.
I hope to revolutionize NEwTown.
As soon as possible. Hopefully this will work.

What am I>?

Mood: Depressed but slightly excited. =( =( =( =( =( =]

I have come up with one of the most risky, complex plans ever in M.I.
Still. It should work. This is a one man job.
Hopefully...I can accomplish.
Hopefully this is what he wants me to do...put an effort to try, not just wait.

Hopefully.

I don't know what I want.... what I need.... who am I?
I'm..just a lost identity.
And I have tution later.
I need to remind ymself these things.

Powerpoint english project-Earthquakes.-deadline- next week.
Dna structure : Deadline Friday. Paint cubes and attach with string.
Green guardian project- Create an animated recycling bin- Deadline by end of term.
Project work- ????
Home ec test-6 feb.
CHinese soon . forgot when.
History smae as home ec.

Got a lot of stuff.
Got tuiton. LAter.

Okay.
I totally had it.
Talk bt weak.
That is me.

I am so jealous of her!How often do you go dinner with youth ppl!

LEt's consider.

Apart from the fact I don't live at woodlands?
Apart from the fact that I'm totally not free?
Apart from the fact I'm not a super god loving person cuz I don't raise my hands up during service and sing for all the world to hear?! ( okay that is just cruel and mean so pretend I didn't say that. )
I'm not a girl?
I'm not popular?
And..um. OOkay.

No I can be like her. Great.
WHy am I me?
GUess theres a purpose.
But I am so jealous.
Where is the happiness in my life now?
God is right.
MEn have no patience. Seriously.
Although I am never going to be as happy.
But I'm not supposed to be...supposed to be glad for her..so much for all talk huh. =( sigh...just a little lie. just a fool. just not me. not someone. some ppl.

I choose my path. And I wonder whether it was right.
I know it's right.
Phew. I;ll never know. Whether I'll have everything I need.
OR do I already have it already>?
I am so blind.
But I just don;t listen.
someone tell me I am wrong. someone tell me popularitym, godliness and all that aren't the most important things in life. I''m just different.
A whole new type of person.
A new.
All I am.

I'm free....
Not.
But close enough.

Okay. As usual I'm sneaking andlooking at popular ximin is and i'm typing all this cuz she doesn't knwo and neither does anyone at church. Nearly everyone in church.

YEsterday was pam's birthday! kinda forgot.
6th jan is nat's birthday.
8th jan is palmer's birthday.

happy birhtdays! Lolx.

Anyway.
Hopefully someone will tell them that.
I'm considering just letting this be a diary since hardly aI'mnyone comes here.

I hope ximin's okay. She probably is though. bEtter than I am doing anyway.
And ms.

And jun? Hmm.

Peh. Really keep feelings hidden. Sure.

I'm tired. The juniors at hpps are getting more spoiled and proud. Like they have anything to brag bt. Peh.
Especially the fat one on the bball team. I mauled him with a basketball. Should have thrown harder. Who nowadays gives chance?

Joel's okay. I know he is.
Hmm. But lately...i don't have time to care abt other ppl.
That;s just sad. I should have been to begin with.
Instead of wallowing in my problems.

Now 5 ppl know level 2 of my secrets.
Phew.

Anyway, ms chan going to make sure I get counselling. Claims I only wan ms ang to reject me for the attention.
Not really.
But partially.

Wonder who wants it?
A?
Alter?
?
or EVEN ME?
Scary. Hmm. I'm still thinking bt the match from fri, so I'm content. For now.

To the one who understands:
I can kill you, destroy you, take apart your life piece by piece and let it burn....but now I'm good.
I choose a path. I know it's the right one this time.
Doesn't mean you can get your way.
I can get you.
Anytime.
Anywhere.

And you'll just be dead.
I am all I am.

ookay.
had church today, cg all that. mostly fellowship and logo for ministry.
Not havinbg cg for another 2 weeks.
tired.
sad.
in fact, i think from this blog onwards i shall put my mood b4 writing so that ppl will try and sympathise. lolx.
anyway.
i had a really powerful flashback. last year. abt jeremy saying out loudly "why? do u lurrvvve her?"and I was so pissed after remembering this.
Still. Maybe she would have found out already.
I haven't done physics mindmap yet. Or Art.
But I studied history, math, and very little home ec. NEd to start studying already. Sigh..tests.

My feelings grow stronger everyday. BUt so does my will. I would love to depend on god without doing anything. IT's as if I am more than myself. More than all I am.
More than I.

FOR THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND
I killed him in HIJACK and unleashed his true memories. But it was going too fast, so i used my ability to read his emotions at those point of times.

Now I know why he hates me so. Why he can't accept people for who they are.
And I am ashamed I reacted with hostility to begin with.

When we told him he was so wasted....it...just wasn't nice.
Wasn't fair. And when he got amnesia, he became a hasbeen. HE suffered. But not half as much as I have.
Stil, the worst thing you can do is keep it to yourself. Eventually you have to let it out. But he didn;t, How sad.

I'll jsut point out I'm not talking bt my bro here.

Now back to usual stuff.
Yesterday's study group was ok. YEsterday's lunch was fantastic. THose who know me know what it was.

Atalia called yesterday asking bt st margeret's concert tickets. Hm. Wonder if justin and subahs wil go with me.

Hope no other fren has turned lesbian. i'm losing too many sane ppll already.
TIred from bball and sports.

Last thing. She talked to me in one two three piece words today but it was better than nothing. At least she made an effort. Then I totally blew it.

=( I'm sad. IT was totally my fault. I just....want to talkt to her again.
It will never be the same.

But it sure doesn;t hurt to try.
Well it will actually.
I guess now I can truthfully say..it's worth it.

And when I look back I can say "It was good while it lasted".

I hope....it lasts ..just a little longer....

11th march saturday
first day of sch holidays

St margaret's school.
94825346 Atalia

Okay. At least I got that right.
=)

$15 for a ticket.
Ask justin and subhas to come.
Kill subhas.
These are today's notes.

I know I have to move on...
I wish you would tell me to forget ypu, because it seems that is is the only way now.
No matter what it is, i would do anything for you.
At least, for now.
While I still care.........


OKay. We won the match yesterday. But it was tough and pretty ugly, so even though i scored the most I think everyone contributed more in their own ways, so I guess it evens it up.
I never imagined such a powerful sense of unity while playing, but I practically hugged the team after our victory. 'Winning was something we have been waiting for a long time...

Hmm. I guess subhas was most enthu. I'll shorten the description of the match..
1. We won 34-30. PRetty close/ Reminds me of the Trio match vs the Japanese.
2. I had three one on one spectacular plays that I still remember so clearly.
3. FIrst on was when I beat the big guy who's a head taller and way stronger to the basket and scored. PRomptly miss free throw.
4. Second was when I burned two guys with one hook shot. THe big guy and the tall and lanky guy.
5. I beat four guys to the basket and they all crashed into each other. I scored.

I admit I am kinda proud of myself. But I acknowledge that hardly any credit goes to me. I mean... i wasn't focused at all to begin with and GOd helped me to focus...forget about her...so I 'm glad. And...well. At last I get to save the day!

Phew. I talked to mrs leong the other day and she claimes I really don't smile enough. We hardly haave any reason to smile though, but ...I guess now there is. There always will be.

SHe claims that I make too much of a big deal outta things. I neevr learn/ True.
But it would help if those things didn;t happen to me!

Well..can't spend all day moaning.

Oh,. Bad news for ex-hpps. Ex-students are not allowed to enter anymore. THe teacher's room, i mean. Sad. Reports of theft and the scouts or something like that.

endeavour to explain some of the rationale
My bro is soo cool. I have always looked up to my bro, but never thought of him as cool. His letter to the principal makes most adults shamed.

Still. It's not nice to know why he wrote a letter in the first place. So I' not telling you.
I'm kinda disappointed....in him...but i trust him. ANd I have faith God knows what he is doing.

Anyway....the green guardian stuff was boring, got dismissed early, and so played a while. It's a shame thiugh cuz i might have made it in time for my tuition.
Honestly, green guardian is a big waste of time.

I....talked to mrs leong today for a while. I guess she finally got straiht to the point. But as ever caring as ever, she put it so nicely i didn't realize it until now.

I'm not like my bro. Sigh.

BEsides that, i have
a book report to do
CME work. can't believe it either.
Math 205 Q that will be taught...
NEed to learn simultaneous equations...
having tests real soon.

I pray God will help me through all these things.. Hopefully i won't be too distracted under all circumstances.
=)
-later.

Not only do I like her, but I'm really starting to admire and envy her now.

I mean...she's more....carefree. I don't know whether she knows about any kind of burdens i've had so far.
Oh well. No use comparing.

She's got kors and jie's and mei's and wadeva. And she writes very postive stuff on her blog. Me? I'm sort of a loner. And kinda faithless and pessimistic.

But then again, we are all very different.
Hey.
I haven't found anything in common with her yet. Lolx.

I'm not going to try anyway! She's still scared.

Hmm. But i'm feeling better today. It's more like 3rd week of sch and dm still yells a lot...but...well...i don't really care.
I'm very slowly forgetting both of them. It hurts. But processing is processing.
Okay. that has nothing to do with anything.

Math is starting to stink.
I still love science, teacher or no teacher.
I think.

and now I only have one more problem left.
And I'm smiling.
cuz any day now, everything will just fall into place, no matter how long it takes or how painful it gets.
I believe.
And I am waiting.
And finally, i can smile.


I want to be free.....

Short note here.
I am tired.
So tired.
No time for this. No time for that.

DOn't jump to conclusions. I have plenty of time for God.

But i guess it would be nice to have time for myself right?
mAybe?

Haha.

Nah. Shouldn't complain...

Right now I'm wondering when is the best time to tell her I like her.
And yep, she won't take me seriously and probably tear my heart into pieces.

But hey.
This time i'm smiling.
At least for now. I dont know.

I have to tell her somehow though. Hmm.
Anyway...after that i'm going to be following jw's advice.

IF anyone can help me clear up this mess, it's him.

And I look to you.
And I wait for you.
I am ready.

I changed.

I finally got an answer.
A flashback.

I looked at myself. I looked so much younger than all my previous flashbacks.
7 years old? 8?

I didn't know. Couldn't guess.

I looked at myself. What was I doing?

What am I?

I looked closer.
I laughed. My small self was praying.

And i stopped laughing.
Now i remembered.

HEheh. I stop here.
BEcause I can't reveal everything.
Except this.

I was begging for it.
Begging for suffering.

I don't know what I ws doing. Too in love maybe.
But i asked for it.
MAybe i truly, honestly wanted everyone to be happy. Even if I took the blow.

Now. I would so love to take it all back. Regret. Sure.
Cuz i'm older. And now i know the consequences.

But through all of that.
I deacided.
Iwon't take it back.
I can't ever.
Nothing is impossible with God.

No matter how much i complain, no matter how much i sulk or yell , scream or feel suicidal doesn't solve the problem.
And at least I know.
* faint smile*

I have to start listening to myself now.
And finsih everything I've ever started.

in one moment.

here's the deal ppl.
who actually bother to come here. thank you for...um. you.

i went to ximin's blog a mo ago. without asking, obviously. i wonder if she's still scared.

hey. is anyone else here scared of me? cuz i would like to know. seriously. that way, you can crush me and flatten my feelings all over!!!!

nah. just joking. i've already been through that route.

bad joke isn't it.

here's the real deal. i spoke to ms chan and obviously i won't reveal everything. except she put in a lot of info bt ms ang which i can no longer apply because i'm not supposed to even try.

be happy for her...be happy for everyone who you've one sided loved and crushed you like a pancake.
or will crush you.

not good description. worse sarcasm.
i need to talk to mrs leong now. seriously.

and now i realize. because someone said it instead of me. she is going to get married.
so what?
well obviously I don't want her to.
well actually I do, but I don't at the same time.

I'm such a bad person. Really. i should be happy for them and not sad at all. sure.

Why'd I even bother putting in 7 years of misery on something that wasn't going to happen? Jun was just 5! Or 6. well.

And Ximin. obviously i scared her away. well there you go luke, smart move!
i wish.

And now i know. I know what I had to do, right from the very beginning. For them, not for me.
So what if i am crushed?
There is always something better?
Maybe.
There is always a plan?
Yes.
Get rid of the feelings. Feelings are lies.
And get blasted. Easiest way to forget a girl.

I'm sure.
It's....going to be alright.

At last I can say that truthfully.
A glimmer of light slices through the darkness......

Today..........
Seems so different from each day that I seemed to be living.
Got way too many flashbacks.

Okay. Ms ang had UPL, so she wasn't around, and then we had a crappy relieve teacher, and a very ahrd assignment that might be slightly easier had we more of ms ang's notes, and then it kept raining for basketball. Sheesh.

While i was playing, i was hit hard by a flashback.
'Ýou seem visually upset.'

And marcus whacked my bone on the left arm.
And then i remembered something else.

'She's what? 25-26 by now?''

I wonder how could I have forgotten someone telling me ms ang's age.

And then i wondered. And asked.
Why did I have to know anyway? Who's ....cares?
I'm not exactly going to marry her, am I ?

I guess this is the time where I truly deny my own personal happiness. I mean, I have to do it ANYWAY, but...

I know that I want everyone single person I love two things.

One, that if that person happens to be a girl that I love way more then i should, that i should wish and hope and pray that the person's happiness is fulfilled for the greater good of everything. And the guy who gets them will love them more then me.

I mean , the guy who gets angeline is really, really blessed.
And ximin.
And Junice.
And ..um. stop.

Secondly. That everyone I love goes to heaven. I'm still working on this one.

And then...i just kept remembering the stuff through pri sch, all the times where my friends stood by me when i needed it most, i won't give examples.

Oh yarh/ Someone pleez tell nat and palmer happy birthday.

And until i remembered a flashback from during the time in k2 i was upset that Jun wouldn't take much notice of me, and i asked aunty june , and she said....

''You will always have happiness in the Lord."

I don't actually know if that's from the Bible. But it gives me hope. ANd comfort.

And now i wonder again. And smile.

Just how much happiness have I been missing out on?
I guess it's time to make up for it.

Um...recently I got this sort of survey like thing ( thanks dave) which is something to do with what kind of dog are you? Usually I don't bother answering invitations and stuff like that cuz i know I don't have enough time but i figured this was just for fun. Anyone who's had this survey b4 just tell me what you got.


Luke, you're a Golden Retriever!

No bones about it, you're a popular, fun-loving Golden Retriever. Adored by all and too cool for school, you're extroverted and enthusiastic. Your magnetic personality makes you the life of any bash. Since you're a true people-dog, you genuinely love all kinds of social gatherings. Going to parties, dinners, and other shindigs is the best way to add faces to your constantly growing circle of friends. But besides being on the social A-list, you're a confident, well-rounded pup who's definitely something to bark about. Pretty accomplished at anything you set your mind to, your sunny nature and winning ways make you one of everyone's favorite dogs. Woof!
Friends' Scores
See how your friends' scored! Request their scores using the address books below.

Yep. I found this unusual too. I'm pretty sure some ppl will make certain comments.

ANyway that doesn't exactly cheer me up that much but maybe, just maybe.........
nah. I won't tell ya.

I was going to say a lot fo stuff, but i changed my mind. maybe cuz ......well.
I don't know what I want anymore. OR does it matter even.
Just tell me.

Please......

I need to tell you....can't wait forever.

=(

Super upset. Maybe it's because i can realize.....
Just a short note.


I've decided to use painul methods to forget anyone i 'love.' This can't be real love, but i it isn't then real love eels so much better.....and what i elt before was so unbelievable already.

for a first, i am fine. i mean.......it'll be painful very much later, but if i truly love someone then i would only want the best for that person and for that person to be loved much more. And there isn't going to be any part of me there. there shouldn't be......but thaere's always some part of me that's content that they're happy. i guess i shld be happy for them also. all i have to do is wait for it to be complete.

But for now i wonder, what about me? Am i so impatient.....

Soon my mind should be wiped clear. Although iam taking a huge risk. If this doesn't work, i will be more crushed then b4.
probably more suicidal.
probably lose a lot of faith.
but i've prayed, read the bible...um...consulted several individuals......
i think i'm going to have new probs soon though.

but tis is part....of my life.
and i am waiting.

He carried the gold trophy in his hands. It said ' Annual Jog-aton 2005 ....3rd place....(etc)'
She stopped him.
"Is it your trophy?"
"Um...no. Subhas' one."
" Did he win first place?"
"Um...no."
"Who did?"
"Um...Luke."

She was silent for a while.
"Oh. Luke."
And she said nothing more.

He found this strange, so he figured she found out already. So he told.....


Me. My name is Luke Ho.
The 'L' in my name stands for many things. It can stand for my personality, my life, my friends, my actions, thoughts, desires, hopes( what i mean is the things in it.) . And it can stand for Love. Especially Love.

Right now it stands for LIAR.

I was sooooo sure! I really thought I had gotten over her already. It's more than a year!!
Now i'm crazy over two girls who are older then me. Or maybe i'm just crazy.

Why did i have such a hard time last year?
Now everything from HIJACK to reality is flowing back to me. My emotions and flashbacks.
And that sucks.
What happens if I see Junice face to face again.
Will I do something I'll regret?

I have no idea. And i'm losing my mind. My sanity. I'm losing......me.
Everytime my feeligns get in the way and make me a different person.
And I pray. And i try all sorts of stuff and I wait. And i keep waiting.
No answer.

And I just give in.
Just .....shoot me. And this time there are two guns which I would be willing to take.


Righto. First day of school.
And after from how amazingly beautiful she looks when she smiles, i'm not gonna give you the details.
My life just sucks.
I need to talk to her so badly now!! Um. Don't ask which ' her.' Actually i think i mean both.
But I have to get this settled. Then I can.....give up.
And go back to my past.

All this is so beyond me.

I looked at her questioningly.
'You're not going to play?'

She gave me a faint smile. Or the person that was me i was watching anyway.
Lately it seemed that i am living my dream again. But this time, i was watching me from a distance. Apparentely i was not spotted by myself or her. Like i was......invisible.

she muttered something about the sun. I probably never heard it and that is why i don't remember cuz i was too busy looking at her. So cute.

I sighed at looking upon myself. Did I eveer know what was going to happen next? OR what would happen eventually?

I watched me get hit my a volleyball as the scene faded away from me.
Why did I get these flashbacks of the best moments of my time with her during the worst times of my life?


School is starting......tomorrow. THat sucks. I hope i don't get a certain bio teacher.
And meet up with certain people.
Old faces and new faces.....

But why can't I forget a certain face?

Luke Ho
15 Years Old
15/02/1992
New Town Secondary School
Basketballer

Likes

Jesus, my Lord and Saviour
Her--obviously,who else..?
Basketball
Running
Slackin
Any form of games that i am fantastic at


Detests

[x]Betrayers
[x]Liars
[x]Heartbreakers(not directing to me.)
[x]Jerks

Alex

Amanda

Bettina

Charmaine

Cynthia

Dinah

Fanny

Hannah

Hernhern

Jia Wen

Joshua

Jules

Jun Jie

Junice

Kai Yang

Leonard

Liping

Marcus P

Marcus Wee

Marion

Mrs Ang

Mr Ang

Nicolas

Nicole

Pearly

Peggy

Priscilla

Sano

Shimin

Stephie

Sulwyn

Varun

Vera

Xiang Rui

Ximin

Zeken

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