I'm dying.--

.Wednesday, December 28, 2005 ' 9:44 PM Y

Do NOT approach her.
Do NOT talk to her.
LEAVE her alone.

Three simple rules.

And i can't stand nor follow any of them. I can't take this. Really. It's totally crushing.
I'll probably be missing out a lot from cg cuz of sch and the fact that i don't want to see her otherwise be crushed. and seriously, anything is better then the alternative.

SHOOT.
LATER.

.Tuesday, December 27, 2005 ' 4:35 PM Y

I am going to swear off love for the rest of my life in puberty.

Yeah right. Like that's going to happen.
I'm tired of everything. Tired of school, homework, solving other people's problems even if they didn't ask me to, not being able to solve my own problems, being sulky, upset, hurt. I'm frustrated. Angry.

I remember when one day I dragged mrs leong aside during my pr 4 year, during the time my eyes became sore very easily, and then she swithced me to sit next to Junice, and...well. ala jaesta elest. or basically 'you should have known what happens next'

and i told her everything...including the embarassment i felt when she had my place shifted by 'coincidence', my very heartfelt deep infatuation for jun and a whole long story to go with it. i guess she must have found it quite amusing at that point of time.

she told me, in the end after all the talking and advice, that i should be concentrating on my studies. typical ADULT response. But she said something after that that shocked me out of my gourd and that point onwards she sort of became my 'mentor' when i needed help.

I guess concentrating on being a good friend is the main thing i would like to do now. Not as if...well. nvm.

School starts in a week. i hope everything goes well, especially if i have to tell the guys i'm not crazy abt ms ang. it's going to be hard to convince them.

and obviously that's not all. i have to deal with that @*#(&($&)(0*@ yile also. And my studies...and thrashing jun jie in literature and history and english and math otherwise he'll beat me overall.....

what is....my life. What is the part of em that remains hidden yet bursting to come out? Right now my question is whether it is a good or evil part of me. It hasn't affected my HIJACK but....i'll see.

Whether i am suicidal, or disheartened, or hurt badly, or inaffectionate or insenstive...reflects on me.

.Sunday, December 25, 2005 ' 6:52 PM Y

When was the last time i said 'hello'to a person whom i haven't seen for sometime?
how would he or she react if the person knew what i have become....
can you imagine it?

hi. nice to see you again. nothing's really changed over the past few years except for a couple of little things.

1. um...i'm a proper christian now, not to win sweets and prizes.
2. no, i lied about the above sentence, no christian is 'proper"'
3. i'm insane
4. i 'm suicidal, i tried last year and promptly failed and it was the most pathetic and comical suicide in the universe.
4. i'm still suicidal because im in love with a girl older then me and she's scared of me and doesn't give a hoot about anythign i feel for her at all./
5. and i've given up on trying to hit on jun
6. and i'm even more suicidal becuz a lot of my favourite and best frens are going to hell, and so am i if i keep thinking this way
7. i realize today we actually have something in common. just read her nick, i understand completely.
8. i;m a HIJACKER. but you don't knoiw what that is. and i'm not going to tell u\
9. ex-spy
10. the darkness always surrounds me. i embrace it sometimes, despise it at other times.
11. i am not always as happy or sad as i appear to be.
13. i can become very high, without drinkign alcohol or smoking. becuz i'm insane, basically. u would be too if you''ve gone through everything i have.
14. and the pain hurts...it hurts so much to consume that if i ever talk it would seem normal, but my heart and mind and soul are raging.
15. i'm not goign to talk to you anymore.
goodbye.

shoot me. i would beg her to shoot me. and that is how hurt i am.
wish she wa'sn't afraid of me because i am afraid of myself . the darkness is always around me. i am different. no one is like me.

who am I? what do i matter to the world...to myself, and while that is not the main issue it still concerns me.

i live for god.always that way.
but what abt everyone else?

.Thursday, December 22, 2005 ' 11:01 PM Y

I've been dreaming of her these past 3 days and the dreams are so unrealistic and unreal and so preivous that i know, it is definetely a dream, and i keep waking up and sneezing and crying and trying to remember any thing that actually happened. LAtely i've gotten more flashbacks then ever but one i really remember was when we were at jeremy's house and marcus was teasing us and she said something like 'are you crazy he's younger then i am'or 'i'm older then he is'can't rmember which one. but it's sad. we don tok. at all/

thnx for everyone who tried to cheer me up. yes, i have been praying. hoping all sorts of things but i haven't dared to try anything MYSELF. so i'll think and consider.

i mean i don wanna scare her. she's really more sensitive then jun. but then,i never found out whether jun ever cried when i pressurized her i've been like that for so long, i wonder what she went through. and yes, i feel guilty, even though she said she already forgave me.

take today for example. i tried to seehow scary i could possibly be on the way to aoki-san's place. so i happened to have my scarf on and my hood so ppl could only see my eyes. i practically glared at the lady in front me of me ( yea...she was kinda pretty) but it was only a test so i kept my distance but nevertheless after the half an hour train ride she ran out of the train and ran down the stairs/ and maybe....maybe it was coincidental or something/ just maybe. but then when i looked at myself in the mirror i looked like a bank robber. seriously. and my eyes scared me for a moment. maybe i shld learn that staring is rude.

but i don't stare. not for long anyway. maybe i stare without realizing cuz the person is someone i admire, or happens to be very cute. well yarh, hehehe.

nobody really cares abt THAT/
i had a fun time, so not so depressed now. another few days of this and it might jsut ahve been worhth the packing for this trip.

to anyone who can understand this.

There are 4 of me now.

L
AE
A
?

To blacknight and T i hope u understand my purpose b4.
i have missed u guys.
wish it was like b4.

and i still wish u would try goin there. for me.
and that u understand what i feel for her. u don get it anymore.
kinda sad.
sayonnara.

.Monday, December 19, 2005 ' 9:38 PM Y

I'm sorry. I wish she knew.
I was a big jerk yesterday, to my frens and to the gilr that i now love, i think now is the time to jsut be humble.
GOd can do anything....and i have to trust that no matter how painful it is...it will be over soon.
i can''t wait though.
i can't look at her and not feel guilt, pain, regret, love, hatred towards myself and her...
it is over.
amen.

.Sunday, December 18, 2005 ' 8:28 PM Y

Everytime time I look at her....trying to wonder if she is scared of me...if i have scared her. Any girl that i have ever come close to liking already begins to hate me. I wonder.

Everytime i jsut think.....would it have been this way had i not been so open about my feelings? Or so trusting? People are like that, betrayal of trust is such a common thing.

I'm not saying I'm not guilty of that either. But hey, it' been ruined for me one too many times.
i was always unique. Always different. From the beginning of my bicycle crash to the end of my attempted suicide, i knew.

i am different.
feel like an abnormaility now. Or like an.....Abomination.
How much longer would I have lived if things continued on? Not longer then my 14th birthday.
I'm mad. And i wonder for the last time.

do you hate me.
would you ever care for me again?
and of course the answer is .....

It's not as if she's ever cared about how I feel. Anything. Sheesh. Girls are so sensitive.

It's not like they don't have reason to be, but i wish they wouldn't.
I have the answer to the question last year that cheryl asked ( or told) me.

She said something about feelings. That they're not real enough. That they don't...well. not sure now.
But my answer is, wouldn't it be nice if they were?
The answer is as nonchalant as the answer mr tan gave me after talking with me during my recoery from suicide. Isn't it a foolish choice.

And i know. I have to surrender. To him, and to the plan he's made out for me.
It's not like it's not painful.

Um. I'd like to thank everyone who's helped me get through. I don't think i'll ever fully recover from this. I mean...nah. let's just ignore that. anything is possible.
maybe i'm just too emotional. haha.

last question though.
if everyone has......
nah. forget it.
i'm leaving for japan tomorrow. won't be around here for a while.
see everyone next year....

buh-bye.

.Friday, December 16, 2005 ' 3:07 PM Y

To anyone who understands this:

Luke
AlterEvil
Abomination
ShadowFighterX
GrimReaper

Hijack 1501.
Please.

Okay. i got rid of some of the old links and put in some new ones.
Phew. I'm surprised a lot of ppl are giving up blogging. Maybe it's cuz it's not so private.
I am sleepy. Two days to Sunday. What was I supposed to do on Sunday?

Um. will be away for the whole of next week for Japan trip. I'm not exactly enthusiastic abt the whole thing, i'd rather stay at home actually, but it might be fun. Might.

Really got lack of sleep now. I don't really know what's bothering me now. And yes, i have tried praying.
It's part of me that is flase, i suppose. Eventually i'll have to face it. So...well. I'm okay.

At least now, i don't know if anyone at my age has been through so much.....it's unbelievable what i have become. It's not necessarily good...but yes. it is unbelievable. And that's why i'm grateful it happened.

If everyone is exceptional, doesn't that mean no one is? Kinda sad.

Tomorrow got CITP.
Going to MArcus' house later in the night. Goodness knows what i am going to do there.
i'm starting to think joel is not as spiritually stagnant as rachel and i thought. who knows?
I'm getting very tired, very easily angry recently too.
It's not thinking of her that's bothering me this time. It's got to be something far deeper then that, something less obvious.

Search my mind.
Search my heart.

.Wednesday, December 14, 2005 ' 5:11 PM Y

I am sleeepy. very sleepy.

Anyway today i feel slightly better. The 3rd match against guang yang was today and yours truly scored the most no. of points against them. Furthermore they are in B division and I'm in C. Hahah.

I'm not too affected by anything bad right now...so yarh.just very tired.
i'm not worried.

something bad is going to happen though.
it's definetely something to do with school books or the japan trip.
right.
phew....

just edited this post cuz it turns out i don't have much space left.
phew. why are people asking me to give up on ximin and go out with pam instead? firstly the idea of going out with pam is definetely unusual. and i mean seriously. no. way.

and also cuz well. nobody approves. nobody should encourage me anyway, so that's good. i think.
sigh..waiting and tired.
i was right about something bad happening, cuz i spent an hour trying on long johns and gloves that i used 2 years ago. i am so embarassed.
later.

.Tuesday, December 13, 2005 ' 11:30 PM Y

Please resist the temptation......

Personally Luke. you're being stupid.

Well. maybe not.

Okay. Here's the deal. I said i would leave her alone. I promised i would leave her alone.
It's less then 2 days and i've broken it. smart. just smart.

i feel very guilty. and lousy. but that's...who i am. at last.

it's not as if she hasn't been trying to avoid me anyway. i'm not exactly asking her to marry me anyway. so ...well. all i can say is sheesh.

and i feel worse. and guilty. again.

'BERLIN WAR' keeps ringing in my head.
Sometimes i wonder...maybe if she shot me, it wouldn't be so bad.
maybe if she just told me to be the one to leave her alone.
if i can't do it for myself because i'm too conceited, would i do it for her?
would i leave her because she asks me to?
do i care for her mroe then myself?

i don't know. and knowing isn't gaining. not this time.

Just shoot me. I beg you.
I love you too much already.

. ' 3:19 PM Y

yay. finally somebody thinks i am cool. not ssaying who.

hahahahahaahahaha!!!!
no. i know it's not something to be proud about. don rub it in.
whew. extra sleepy today.
i don't actually wanna go to japan next week but i'm extra fortunate still. but then again, packing, hotels, travelling, passport.....etc. so harasssingly complicated and unecessary. the word holiday is so ironic.

yesterday was a killer session for basketball.
i'm hungry.
going to eat something.
later.

.Monday, December 12, 2005 ' 12:27 PM Y

Um. Hi.
I didn't finish the previous post cuz my mum was reading part of it. I know it's good to share, but my mum worries too much sometime and i was afraid to stress her somemore. She's...already got enough problems.

So does dad. Something about his medical condition i suppose. i wonder if he's been praying.

Joel's really enjoying himself after we found that new shop. The one that sells shadow the hedgehog, lord of the rings third age, and devil may cry 3....a lot of games. Seriously.

Um. btw. how did anyone get my blog site? maybe i should put it somewhere. Like update my profile or something. I'm not exactly a spy anymore. that's in the past. .
hahahahaha. spying on ppl and getting PAID.

cept that's mean.
at least i know now.

Nad um...i decided not to complete the previous blog entry in case...
1. She sees this. The 'she' can be my mum, um. then again. if she's sees me. or yarh. i forgot i'm not suppose to care anymore.

2. and that some one overeacts.

well not NOT care. i mean um. stare. love. be too open. got to remember.

probably ximin. okay. yes ximin. i already...gave up. this is not the time.
andrea tried to give me a speech on how i shouldn't try even. or shouldn't have tried in the first place.

some thing like she's older, something something which i wasn't paying attention to, then something like 'can you imagine yourself with her?'

obviously.
silly question.
peh. maybe last time. not anymore.

i keep getting a lot of painful and interesting flashbacks after youth camp. when she and i first met, there was somethign about a book. i'm trying to recalll that flashback still.

my stomach hurts like crazy. i'm not going to eat fried chicken for at least 5 days.

sleeepy and tired after basketball practice.
but after not playing for a weeek, i think i did exceptionally well.
hongkai is catchign with me in terms of one on one and ability stretches.
he's got weaknesses though.
sigh.

um. please pray for yan lin's friend christen who's got leukaemia. i think they're quite attached to each other so...

new town guys? if you're reading this ( which is not likely) then i tell you. i'm not jealous.
i'm over it.

in fact i'm over a lot of things.

i'm over kicking yile's idiotic ass.
i'm over Junice.
i'm over ms ang. there. i said her name.
i'm over xi min. i promise. well. maybe not. but i have to be anyway, eventually.
and yanlin. this has been too much anyway..

i just wanna live my life for God.
Until i can keep waiting and waiting.

God is good. Really. Steph, i hope you understand that someday.
He loves you.
And me.
And we should love him.

.Saturday, December 10, 2005 ' 1:15 PM Y

Youth camp really rocked.
Really touched me.
Affected my life.

There's been a lot of happy and sad moments in these 5 days.
13 hours and 30 minutes awake, and i feel like this has been the longest days of my life.

And the most powerful moments.
More then HIJACK.
More then anything else.

The first day. i couldn't stop sighing. It was disappointing. Compared to last year. Boring. No cheryl. No jass. No timothy. No outings to wild wild wet. No cool names for teams. sheesh.

Second day. PRayer, quiet time sermons....games. heh. i felt slightly better. but i was begining to wonder.
what do i come to church for? or more like what DID i come to church for. was it truly for god?

and then there were more questions.
like why during worship or the sermon i would look everywhere to see how cute she* looked.
or why joel wouldn't come to cg. or why he didn't come for this youth camp. again.
or why pam wasn't enjoying herself. even though i told ehr she would.
or why i was feeling downcast. why i was feeling this again.
felt like a hypocrite.
like someone who's so vulnerable to false love. or not.
to anything.
felt weak.
and sad.

day 3. i felt spiritually stronger. but my heart wouldn't stop pounding. felt lovesick. felt guilty. about a lot of things. i cried for the 3 rd time in two days.

at night, i shared with vera the feelings that i had becuz of her*. and felt lousy while thinking about it. it's like i was just switching my feelings for this girl and for another one and all that. got advice and felt better. but it was a little harsh. i couldn't take it after a while. cried at night.

tried to speak to her* again. but she kept making excuses. just for a little whilei wanted to speak to her. not to tell her i love her. of cuz not. i don't believe i do. but it's true that....sigh...

4th day/5th day(yesterday). omega night rocked. i fel closer to the spirit ever then before. singing and dancing for him. cheering.
and then more games. haha. stayed up until like 5.3o am.
i tried very badly that day to talk to her. just to say a couple of things, not stupid, not reckless. not anything i'd regret this time. i knew what to do now....with the experience.
i promised my self i wouldn't sleep until i talked to her. to ...try and apologize. recognize my motive. i didn't want to ...

but i fell asleep at 5.30 a.mplus in bethel hall cuz i was having a guy to guy talk with Cedric. Never knew he was sso muic like me. so we talked for hours. until we fell asleep.

woke up at 7.50 plus. sleepy. but nevertheless....
took out my stuff, brushed my teeth, etc. went to cana hall. turns out kalop and some of the guys didn't go to sleep. including her. she was sooo cute when she was asleep. i sat next to her a while and she didn;t realize it. so cuute! but i didn't want to wake her up cuz she...well. becuz she looked so cute.

okay fine. wrong motive, totally distracted. next thing you know kalop is calling me over. just in time cuz she wakes up, shrugs her head and goes back to sleep.
kalop tells me that she cried last night. or this morning. cuz i approached her again...and i totally broke down.
it wasn't my fault. well actually it was. at least i only cried. i would have died if she and i still had a friendship like 8 months ago.

i wouldn't stop crying the whole morning for at least another few hours. then i had a guy to guy talk with kalop. there were a lot of