I'm dying.--

.Sunday, May 25, 2008 ' 9:45 PM Y

Mood: mm..

nervous? in less than 11 hours, i'll be doing my o lvl exam..
dunno la...even though my mock exams have been fine im still...not mentally prepared..
thinking about bball, which i can't do...
a certain girl who's gotten into my head again lately..

and ddr. let me tell you honestly. it's fun.
seriously hard. but fun.

I can do basic. :) (after my third try! ;)

ShadowFighterX

I updated my story!

.Sunday, May 18, 2008 ' 11:44 PM Y

Well, I'm back y'all!

In a cruel twist of fate, my L1R5 is pretty high, and i FAILED MY ENGLISH COMPO BUT GOT HIGHEST IN THE STANDARD FOR MY CHINESE COMPO. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT LA.

anyway. exams aren't over yet...chinee o level...
lots of tuition...
and work..
and stuff..
im sleepy...

that's not the point..

updated my Night Phantom story a little!

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2457257/1/Secret_Loves_Night_Phantoms_Rain

and furthermore, I typed out my English Compo in defiance to failing! (even though I don't have any reviews, I've had _ hits, which means that 30 people have seen it! yay! ( i guess. it IS a one shot, after all)

sleepy. well...that's about it. for now.
later.

.Friday, May 09, 2008 ' 10:45 PM Y

Mood: Tired.

I am so, so tired.
Ugh.
well anyway. i went to school really early to write, but it turns out there were actually people as crazy as I am, except they were studying! *audible gasp*
I have no idea why I typed that.

Okay then I spent time chatting with estella and shannon. And yes hoe son, shannon is cute. I said so before. But anyway, she's not my type la. Way too hardworking. just looking at the both of them studying so intently makes me feel tired.

and i JUST found out that earnest is estella's brother. no resemblance, except a bit on the looks. i am totally lagging..

mm...
lesse. ooh ya, the physics paper was okay. and the ne quiz was actually fun, but no one told me that you have to answer the questions in a time limit and thus i couldn't get 500000 points and got like...300000 instead, while everyone else got like...400000 something. ugh.

um. then went back, ate lunch, went bball with brother, earnest, que, bernard (brendon didn't show), the guy whose name i keep forgetting that has four characters, amiru and mark. I was owning, but I was the only sec 4 invited to join them after all. =(

that sounds like...
nevermind.

mm..
the rest of the day was very emoistic cuz I found out I got no reviews (even though my story got another 200 plus hits) and mrs lee came unexpectedly. so i didnt get any rest. plus, I kept getting reminded of the whole weelin thing cuz I was so angry at a certain someone else for hurting my feelings, though not in that way...

anyway, I'm sort of grateful to adrienne.
Sounds weird right?

I've been doing a lot of thinking, about how the girls bring out my bad side...but more importantly, how I let them...and I'm kind of disappointed at my own attitude as well. I should have handled stuff a bit more matured-ly, I guess.
Will probably vent my emotions on my story though.

anyway, I went out, to the hotel where my mum's side was having mother's day for my grandma. talked to almost all my relatives today, which is quite an accomplishment, before going to hide in the lobby and talk to Cedric, Pearly and later adrienne.

I feel like a small burden but constant nagging burden has been lifted off my heart...because I think that while I didn't get any answer from weelin (she doesn't know why she didn't trust me to not be stalking her even though she claimed to love me) it wasn't exactly...unexpected. It still hurt a little, but I was being...myself, throughout that whole 'conversation' with liqing, her and adrienne, so I felt better...i didn't have to pretend or become a jerk anymore..

liqing is cute actually, albeit a bit sensitive...I almost forgot that she helped weelin with that ..thing... but I was surprised she did. Li qing's such a sap, I guess (this is a compliment). She's acts all mean on purpose but she does little things to be nice even when she doesn't like me. I guess that makes her very nice but very weird? Huh.

Thankfully, I won't ever know. I agreed to leave them alone and they agreed to leave me alone...

Somehow feel like I matured from this, because I got my just desserts about osm...it's kinda like..bad karma actually. Told her I loved her when I didn't mean it, and broke her heart later. Something while I throughly regretted, never got retribution for. well, I have now.

Which brings me back to exactly how I'm going to deal with that prophecy and HIJACK and ...a whole lot of things. O levels seems so...insignificant now.

What am I doing with myself? (apart from bball and my novel? I really don't know..)
Shucks.

I'm just..being me.

Luke

don't think I'll be posting anymore....nothing more to rant about...at least not for a while..

.Friday, May 02, 2008 ' 5:12 PM Y

Mod: Terrible.

I'm fugging sick.
I haven't been pucking sick in two fugging yeas!!
sluits!

...this really sucks, you know that?

you get a life, loser. I'm perfectly fine with mine.
what, you've got not enough friends that you have to waste time coming here? hah. sucker.
this is my place..
beat it.

.Wednesday, April 23, 2008 ' 8:17 PM Y

I feel numb.
Kinda like..6 months ago, I asked a bunch of girls what had happened with sidney and his bunch of punks...and well, naturally i made it a point to make sure that he didn't go after them. That's me, I guess. well. it was me. naturally, I'm a whole lot more cynical after the incident...it's one thing to be hated, it's another thing to be hated just for being myself.

and I guess in some way, I feel betrayed by words, but I was careless, I was gullible. I opened my heart to someone who told me that she felt like she could tell me anything, to someone who confessed to me in the cutest way I have ever known.

I don't get a whole lot of confessions nowadays, but that one's really hard to forget.
well other than the other one telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to her, but losing that one was actually my fault.

anyway, my main issues 6 months later after that incident is that...
I have no qualms about hitting adrienne. whatsoever.

bitch or no bitch, adrienne's a girl. well. No, she can't be considered a girl.
in fact, everytime I see her I'd like to hit her. a lot.
just the sight of her makes me wish I was dead. as in. so I DON'T have to see her.

hmm.
hitting weelin would be a problem. simply because I can't do it.
I don't think that's possible.
I can't believe I'm even considering it. Is that really how limited my patience is now? I don't know..it's just that they hit me at all the worst times, when I'm stressed and when I'm just trying...to get myself back.

as for my crazy neighbour.

ARGH. who the hell am I kidding. I'm Luke Ho, darn it!! sheesh! I don't freakin HIT girls.

but then again, I've hit guys for less than what they've done to me. hmm.

god. girls.

yeah, ming rui will probably think I'm even MORE selfish now.
I know, okay. I used to believe it too; that there's no excuse for a guy hitting a girl.
except when that bitch hit ubik, it totally changed my perception.

I said so one time, and I'm sorry to people who'll be disappointed in me, but I already said I'd bring them all down if I had to.
This isn't about anyone's agenda anymore. just because I'm not defending someone else doesn't make me selfish. it just makes me a lot less selfless.
and as for my compromised morals? well. you know who to blame.

I'm giving you a last chance, adrienne.
leave me alone.

or the next time you shout 'lulu', it'll be with your face rearranged.

.Friday, April 18, 2008 ' 11:20 PM Y

Mood: Distressed

Well, I sucked at basketball today, at least defense wise. Got blocked and ankle breakered.
Today is not my day. And that's the least of it.

I know I said this would be the last post, but that was as someone else..
I think I'm back..and back for good.

Been thinking about so many things..
Up to the point that I'm not just emoing..it goes beyond that.
After all these years, I finally know my place.

I really, really like ms ang. She's beautiful, smart, mature, devoted to Christ. The kind of woman I really wanted to grow up and spend the rest of my life with.
Except, I'm not grown up, and she's already married.

I'm kind of..relieved actually. That I still have a heart. sort of.
I liked 'i kissed dating goodbye' but 'boy meets girl' really turned me off somehow. I just...can't accept that I don't get a choice.

maybe the retribution is not having any reviews. lol..?

so scared of who I am. or..whatever that being is called.
didn't think I'll go so low..

I can't sleep. Not like I used to.
Can't breathe.
Can't think.
Can't love.

So many regrets. So many mistakes.
I'm kinda happy in some weird, freakish way. Everyone that...
well...clarissa. yanlin. weelin. shimin. pearl... don't know how many more. lost count so long ago it just sticks to my skin.
I think they're all happier now than they would have been with someone like me.
I thought it would be more painful to admit. but it's not.

so relieved.
so relieved...

.Saturday, April 05, 2008 ' 9:49 PM Y

yawns*
nice to know that after not blogging for a month, all my favourite spammers dropped by and none of my favourite people..

anyway, this is my last post. it's been too taxing and boring to keep a blog..I've had so much writing to do and stuff, and i've been bllogging for other blogs also, so yeah..

ugh. now I really regret getting drunk..

Blasphemy-er's a usual person, so I know you're somewhere on my msn. I suppose the only thing I can say is that I truly regret knowing you. whether you're close to me now or whatever...I wouldn't know. you're that good, I'll give you that. but you'll never know true friendship.

I'm sort of responding to these spammers like a kid would when he's angry...but this is the last time I'm doing this. for the rest of this last post, you shall see who I am.

BLAH-, that's true. haiz. well, I've changed. haven't you? I don't know. I guess I'm not actually into the sort of thing, but it's pretty fun, if I want to be honest. Doesn't mean it means anything, but I guess the way I do things nowadays just seems so convincing because the truth is, sometimes I would wanna be that way. I'd like to yell 'chiobu!' at some hot babe and mean it, just for the sake of saying it. fun, and yet not always harmless..it's wrong, I guess. maybe you do it, maybe you don't. i don;'t know..but I only do it here cuz people don't actually see me doing it for real? =) shucks. you'll never know anyway...this is my last post, and the best part? I'm not coming back to read your reply. guess I get the last say after all, huh?

BLAH 2- I can honestly apologize. It kinda hurts when I look back on my life and see how much I've changed. there has been so many situations..where i've had to change in order to save someone else. be a little worse in character, a little selfish. but I haven't just been selfless..these acts changed me so that I could save other people instead (although I admit that some of those acts, were completely out of line, and also to save myself, but does that make me selfish. does wanting to care for myself make me selfish or just not selfless? there'sa huge difference) so doesn't that count as not being selfish. well, it's up to you to decide. I'm sorry you see it that way..

I don't know about the 'luke you once knew' but whatever competition you came for in the afternoon, I hope it wasn't softball.

yawns*
I don't know him. he probably hated the way he was. maybe people liked him more, but he was always suffering for someone else.

for me, I wanted to live a little more for myself. that doesn't make me selfish. that makes me less selfless. i don't know.

I'm tired of arguing..
just watch the way I live...

instead of the way I write.
Good bye.

Luke Ho