So, everybody and his brother feels compelled to talk about the Michael Vick plea today. For something that any reasonably intelligent person could foresee, it has garnered a surprising amount of coverage. Of course he was going to plead guilty. Once the other co defendants agreed to testify against him in return for a reduced sentence, what the hell kind of case did he have? Vick had to plead guilty, otherwise he was going to end up in jail for a very long time.

But there was at least one entertaining and interesting development to come out in this sordid mess today. A shady, corrupt organization has placed an ad in the New York Times questioning whether PETA kills more animals than Michael Vick. Once you get over the shock of any group, however misguided and corrupt, daring to question the practices of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, it's pretty damn funny.

This is funny because this type of in your face, guerrilla marketing is what brought PETA to the attention of the general public in the first place. And anything that's bad for PETA is good for society as a whole. I do not like PETA. I am not a big fan of people who wear fur, but I don't really see it as murder. I do think that if you want to rock a leopard coat, you ought to have the good manners to take the big cat down yourself. But if you want to wear a mink or something like that, I just don't have the time or the energy to care about it.

My real problem with PETA comes from the fact that I believe it is one's moral obligation to eat meat. Think about. Over the last ten thousand or so years, we have domesticated a group of species and eliminated a number of predators in the interest of spreading what passes for civilization. If we suddenly stop eating meat, what becomes of the cattle and the pigs and the chickens and the turkeys? Are we going to allow the bears and wolves and wild cats to come back into our neighborhoods? Something tells me that that won't end well.

Of course, there are other, perhaps more practical alternatives to allowing the natural world to reestablish something approximating population equilibrium the old fashioned way. For instance, food animals could be sterilized and euthanized. What you do with the bodies at that point is beyond me, I realize there are alternatives but I'm not interested enough to research them.

I might be old fashioned, but I don't see how chemically castrating livestock and euthanizing them is particularly more humane than allowing people like me to eat them. I do think that food animals should be treated better than they are at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I have no sympathy or empathy for them. I just believe that if you raise healthier animals, I eat better meat.

I wonder, now, since I have Al Gore's assurance that catastrophic climate change could precipitate another ice age, how am I going to survive if I go vegetarian. I'm not a biologist, but I have noticed some things from casual observation of the world around me. One of the things I've come to realize is that plants have a tough time growing in winter conditions. The winter wheat might have been the greenest stuff Pop Fischer ever saw, but I don't think you're going to see much of it when the glaciers come rolling through the Boston Common.

Then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe prehistoric man weathered past ice ages on a hearty diet of lentil soup and tofu. I have heard that a three bean salad prepared properly has as much protein as a nice, thick porterhouse. But I've come a long way to say that the worst thing to come from this Michael Vick mess has been to elevate the profile of PETA, and the best thing to come from it to this point is this ad ripping PETA.

In other news, rumor has it that Mark Cuban will be this season's token stretch on ABC's inexplicably successful Dancing' With the Stars. I say stretch because Mark Cuban isn't a star. He's a waste of space who creates controversy. One silver lining in this dark cloud (more media attention is not what Cuban needs), is that this little farce might distract him long enough to derail his bid to acquire the Chicago Cubs.

As I watched PTI and Around the Horn this afternoon, I learned two things that some think might make this appearance something less than an abject humiliation (like being denied entry to a Manhattan night club after trying to bribe the bouncer). First, Cuban is a pretty good natural athlete. But more importantly, Cuban helped pay his college tuition by teaching dancing. So he's going to strut his stuff, right?

I have the Benefactor's athletic prowess on good authority. No less a luminary than Michael Wilbon has tested Cuban's skills in pickup basketball games. Hell, if you take one good look at Wilbon, you know he is a tremendous basketball player. Look at his svelte, muscular build. You know Wilbon has game. So if he says Cuban can ball, then the Benefactor us almost certainly a tremendous natural talent.

And then there's his past as a dance instructor. Before we get all kinds of crazy, let's not forget that Cuban taught disco dancing, and he did it while at Indiana University. I don't really want to insult the great Midwest, and Bloomington, Indiana in particular, but it's not like he was tripping a light fandango at Studio 54. I don't know what the last days of disco were like for the Benefactor, but I doubt he was brought in as a consultant on the set of Saturday Night Fever.

I expect Cuban will find a way to come out of this appearance on Dancing With The Stars looking ridiculous. Even if he dances brilliantly, there is no doubt in my mind the Benefactor will find a way to turn a bravura dance performance into a public humiliation. But if he comes out for one show sporting the lily white suit of armor that Commodus rocked in the final battle in Gladiator, I will gain respect for him. I'd go so far as to recant almost 83% of the unpleasant things I've said about him in this space.

Finally, since the game is still going on, and I'm on record as saying I wouldn't post at length on preseason football, I just have a few things to say about the NFL. First, I have to congratulate my old friend DeAngelo Hall. He shaved a message to Chad Johnson into the back of his own head, and then proceeded to be beaten in ugly fashion by that same player.

Then there is the trainwreck that is the ESPN Monday Night Football crew. Tony Kornheiser called Chad Johnson "the irrepressible Chad Johnson" and his mike wasn't cut off instantly. I hate to say this, because I like him as an analyst breaking down film, but Jaws isn't doing anything for me. He does great work on NFL Live and the Matchup show. But he doesn't seem to bring the same insight to the table in real time. Maybe it's just Kornehiser taking the air out of the booth, and that could happen to anyone.

Finally, Asante Samuel is back, baby. And with any luck, he has stayed out long enough so that he'll be out of sync with his teammates. What a shame it would be if the Patriots were to stumble out of the gate this season. I just don't think I could bear up under that type of emotional strain.

I am sorry that I haven't posted in a few days. I've been busy preparing my apartment for the inevitable collapse of the establishment. It's only a matter of time now. After all, the Sarah Silverman Program and the Naked Trucker and T Bones have been on for long enough to have caused the impeachment of the current administration. That must be there objective, after all why else would they be on Comedy Central despite the notable handicap of not being remotely funny.

There are many things in this world which baffle me, the fact that Sarah Silverman is on the air is only one of them. The fact that Danny Ainge is still employed in his capacity as general manager of the Celtics has been at the top of the list for a long time now. As the historic losing streak continues, now there is talk of tanking the rest of the season in hopes of landing one of the top two picks in the NBA lottery this summer.

What I don't understand is that people aren't calling for Ainge to go. I have been convinced, based on a lifetime of observation, that Boston fans are maybe 1/4 as intelligent and perceptive as they believe themselves to be. But this is beyond belief. This was a playoff team when he took it over. Now it's a disaster area. It's a matter of little importance to set a franchise record for a losing streak if you're the Memphis Grizzlies or even the Milwaukee Bucks. But when you manage one of the most storied teams in any sport to a record setting level of futility, there is no excuse for that.

If Celtics fans want to watch a good team, or even want to deserve to watch a good team they have to divest themselves of some illusions. First, there is no way this team can win a championship with Paul Pierce as its best player. Pierce is a very talented scorer, but if he were going to make the players around him better he'd have done it by now. And there's no getting around the fact that there are at least 10 players that play the same type of game as Pierce, only better. Is he really in the same class as Wade, James, Anthony, Bryant and others. If Celtics fans were honest with themselves, they'd admit that Pierce is a poor man's Ray Allen, and that's nothing to write home about.

Second, Ainge has stocked the roster with young players and expiring contracts, which is great if fans want a losing team. The trouble is in the level of expectation it breeds. Fans think that one more piece like Greg Odom or Kevin Durant will turn this team into a contender. I suppose it's possible, I wouldn't be much of a person if I denied the existence of miracles, but my faith in the Celtics isn't very strong.

This miracle can only happen if the players on the team now improve as the rookie savior develops. But what if it's Durant? What position will he play? He's not a center. The team is overcrowded at forward, with Jefferson, Gomes, Pierce and Wally. Maybe with stellar guards like Rondo, Telfair and West the plan is to play nothing but forwards. Or maybe there aren't enough minutes to go around. Or maybe we've seen the ceiling for Ryan Gomes and Al Jefferson. Maybe this is as good as it gets for them. Would drafting Odom admit that Perkins is a waste of oxygen?

Maybe Odom and Durant aren't sure things, either. Maybe the Celtics draft one of them and he gets hurt, or he's a product of the lackluster college competition. Maybe this draft pick will be snakebitten like Len Bias or Reggie Lewis. There are a lot of things that can go wrong. Maybe I'm a jerk for bringing it up, but that's the king of person I am.

The Celtics don't deserve to win. As I look at the Ainge era I see three tangible achievements. First, there are the Walker trades. Danny Ainge never liked his game, and maybe he isn't hungry this year since he won the ring, but he won the ring. Second, this team has gotten worse and not better since Ainge took over. Every season they've done a little worse, except when they reacquired Walker for the playoff run two years ago. Third, the team now has a cheerleading squad. If that resume isn't impressive, I don't know what is.

Now I might be being unfair. Maybe if Pierce didn't get hurt this team would have gone on a legendary winning streak. Maybe Allen wouldn't have been hurt while endeavoring to look like a jackass. I guess you'd have to be a Red Sox fan to believe that these things were likely or even more than remotely possible. Even without the injuries this team would not be very good. Even in the East they wouldn't be a playoff contender. With a healthy Paul Pierce, they aren't as good as Toronto or New Jersey.

Maybe I'm wrong about Ainge. As I've been writing this, I've been thinking. Celtics fans deserve Ainge. Celtics fans don't deserve to watch a winner. I had always expected to come back to the team when ownership had lost enough money to sell the team and a new GM came in who knew how to build a good basketball team came to town. But now the Celtics are dead to me. And it was the fans that finished them.

Once the Celtics fans cheered Kobe and chanted MVP as he shredded the Olde Towne team, that was it. There are times when it's OK to cheer for an impressive performance by a visiting player. It is OK to have grudging respect and admiration for an opponent. It is never acceptable to chant MVP at a player who is killing your team. Once you do that you deserve Ainge and Rivers and Wyc and getting worse year in an year out.

In another note, I never thought I'd ever defend a woman beater, but I think I have to now. The other day on Around the Horn, Jackie MacMullan called on the Philies pitcher who is accused of assaulting his wife in Boston this past season to donate $5 million of the $25 million dollar extension he recently signed to a battered women's shelter. I think he should be punished to the extent the law and a jury requires and he should donate money to said charity on general principle.

I do, however, have a problem with Jackie demanding 1/5 of his money. I know the media has taken the responsibility to direct every aspect of morality, law, justice, truth and the American way away from the courts, the government and the people. But Ms. MacMullin might do well to remember that the churches and religious organizations are content to wet their beaks in a person's pocket only to the extent of 10%. I know the organizations which expect their members to tithe expect that tithe to come before Uncle gets his, but you'd think Jackie might let him off at donating 20% after taxes and not before.

It was awfully big of the people responsible for Adult Swim to apologize for their amazingly insensitive publicity stunt before their lineup of animated programming went on the air this evening. For the life of me, I cannot imagine why people would be sensitive to suspicious packages and officials would not have a sense of humor about a gimmick like this is the post 9-11 world. More importantly, however, I still wait for the people at Adult Swim to apologize to me for their generally terrible programming.

Between Assy McGee, Squidbillies, Morel Orel, Aqua Teen Hunger Force (which is now a pale shadow of what it was when it was a pale shadow of its former glory) and the hit or miss Robot Chicken, it's getting very hard for a moderately intelligent well-adjusted grown man to watch a night of animated programs each week. If it weren't for the Venture Brothers, I'd flag animated programming altogether.

But on the off chance that the boys at Williams Street are included in the 14 or so masochists that find their way to this little waste of time, remember this: satire is no longer satire when it's not funny. Once the laughter is gone, you're left with a half hour of claptrap indulging the impulse to be a douche to every one who bullied you or simply didn't get you in high school. And maybe, just maybe, if the shows were a bit better, a major city would not have to be paralyzed in a childish effort to generate buzz for said programming.

You might be wondering at this point where this relates to any of the sports topics I tend to pursue in this space. After long absence, America's moral compass is back. Too often we lose sight of things in this country, and we need to be awakened to the shocking, agonizing, crippling injustice that is the Tank Johnson saga. Instead of being deported (despite being an American citizen) or broken on the rack or put in the stocks in the public square or forced to wear a scarlet handgun on his jersey, the Bears defensive tackle will play in Sunday's Super Bowl.

It takes the acid keyboard of a writer like Jay Mariotti to punish Tank Johnson for his transgressions. Jay Mariotti doesn't like the fact that Tank Johnson thinks his many critics (overwhelmingly, but not exclusively, of the middle-aged, Caucasian variety) might be racist. How dare he talk about race. After all, since when did that become the prerogative of an African American? With keen insight and bizarrely insensitive hypersensitivity, perhaps Mariotti could be a party standard bearer in 2008.

Among Tank's many sins: he mentioned race (I loathe the expression race card and avoid it where possible), he had 10 unregistered firearms in his house where he also had two daughters and he did not avail himself of "a chance to paint a remorseful self-portrait on a global stage." It's quite convenient to attack a guy for not busting out the tearful apology when the journalist in question would rip into him in equal measure had Tank come out with the remorseful self-portrait.

Even before Mariotti's piece, I thought Tank had every right to play in the Super Bowl. It's not because I am rooting for the Bears (even though I am, as the guy who kept the bandwagon rolling through some rough patches earlier in the year). Yes, he was arrested for the unregistered guns in his home and if he were Terry Johnson, defendant instead of Tank Johnson, defensive lineman, he wouldn't be allowed to leave the state. However, the system favors the wealthy and influential and this isn't the case that's going to restore liberty, equality and fraternity to human affairs. On top of that, not only did the judge approve, but the prosecutor raised no objections. What more do the guardians of all we hold sacred in the media need?

What would Mariotti have written or said had those guns actually been used in the commission of a crime. I imagine Jay would have found his backbone and been the first to volunteer to serve as executioner in a scene reminiscent of the killing of William Wallace in Braveheart. For the record, I don't know if one can deprive Tank of his life but not his freedom and I'm not comparing him to William Wallace. All I'm saying is that had Tank so much as fired one of these unregistered firearms and been caught in the act, the same people who are incensed that the guy is playing in the Super Bowl would probably demand that the authorities hang, draw and quarter this menace to society.

In addition to disagreeing with Mariotti's opinion on Tank Johnson's lack of contrition and status for Sunday's game, I find it shockingly reprehensible that Jay should criticize a black man for "playing the race card." It's almost as though some other Jay Mariotti wrote this piece a scant four days ago to exult in the first Super Bowl teams coached by African Americans. Why did no one bother to alert me that race could only be discussed by Mariotti in Mariotti-approved contexts? It would have made things ever so simple. I needn't think for myself at all any more.

It is an excellent thing that Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy have led teams to the Super Bowl. And I realize that it is a hard thing indeed to have to justify one's trip to Miami on an employer's dime with a daily column. Poor Jay, having to tear himself from fun in the sun, and having to work around Around the Horn's schedule to boot. It's too much to expect that hypocrisy, coin of the realm in Jay world, not rule the day.

But back to the original point (such as it was). Jay Mariotti is an unprincipled bully. I sincerely doubt that he honestly cares one way or another about the future of Tank Johnson, beyond his existence as fodder for a quick column. But it's a chance to lash out at a bigger, faster, stronger man who in the ordinary run of things could crush the average sports columnist like a bug. So for every bigger, faster, stronger kid that didn't tremble in his den at Jay's approach, now it's Tank Johnson's turn to feel his wrath. Take a run at Tank if you must, but at least leave a portion of the righteous indignation at home until there is a real crime to condemn.