A Man's Emotions

Somewhere through the centuries, we men have been taught that we are not to readily show our emotions.  Okay, happiness may be okay, and anger seems to be permissible in certain situations.  But if it comes to tears, or to tender moments, well, those have definitely been drilled into us as "off limits", not to be shown at any cost.

In some ways, I seem to be a fairly a-typical guy.  On the day when Carrie and I were married, we had made sure that she had plenty of tissue with her, just in case the tears started to flow.  But as we got about to the midpoint of the ceremony, it became rather clear that we had given the tissues to the wrong person.  Instead of wiping her own tears, she ended up passing the tissues over to me.  I was the one who had tears streaming down his cheeks, and needed a couple of tissues to wipe them away!

This is something that many of you may not be very surprised at.  It has become pretty common knowledge within our congregation, too.  Every year, we have our young people who confirm their faith on confirmation Sunday.  It has happened pretty much every year that I shed a few tears at their pronouncement of faith.  In fact, it's even gotten to the point that the class will start asking me if I will cry at their confirmation.  I tell them that, after two years of pouring myself into them and growing with them, that it would be almost unnatural for me not to shed a few tears on their special day.

Which brings me to the point of this blog entry.  Within the next couple of weeks or so, Carrie is going to introduce a new little person into our family.  She and I have talked about how we will react when that new life first is presented to us.  Will we laugh with joy at the great gift that God has given us?  Will we shed tears of joy, overcome by emotion?  Will we simply be startled that the baby really is real, shocked and not really knowing how to react? 

I suppose that, having made it this far into this blog, a few of you may be thinking that it would be a wise bet to lay money down on me shedding at least a few tears.  And you may be spot on with that thought.  I'm not a guy who really wears his emotions on his sleeves, but I also don't bottle them up inside.  But how I will react in a given situation, well, I usually don't know that until I'm in the middle of the situation.

(How many of you would be surprised to learn that I actually got a little choked up even writing this blog entry?  Well, if you are, you need to go back to the top and start over.)

I'm pretty sure that we will let you know our first reactions when that little life first presents itself.  And yes, I am pretty secure in saying that there is a better than decent chance that part of my reaction will include a few tears.  I'm comfortable with that, and I hope that you are, too!

Pondering a Decade

Every once in a while, things happen in life that make us pause, look back, and reflect on where we have been in life. We think about our accomplishments, about how we have grown, what all we have learned, and we ponder where life will take us as we move forward. Usually, these times happen when something significant occurs, such as a major change or an important date.

In just two short days, I will celebrate the fact that I have been at my current job, post, and position for 10 years. Ten years! A full decade of one job, working with many great and wonderful people. A good number of you reading this have been a big part of my life, and so you know what these ten years mean.

I have to admit that I never really anticipated staying in one location for a full decade. There are some wonderful things about the place and location where I am, as well as some wonderful people. While there are challenges, the joys of my work have been some of the best of my life. Serving people, serving God, growing in both personal and spiritual ways, these have been some of the highlights of my time here.

Ten years of serving people and serving God have flown by. Who knows where the next ten years will guide my beautiful wife and I? Only God knows right now, but I can honestly say, I look forward to the journey, and am so very thankful for the role that so many of you have played in the journey I have been on thus far.

Of Books and Learning

You, our avid readers, have probably noticed that I haven't been blogging for the past couple of weeks. That's because I was taking a couple of classes as I work toward my doctoral degree. I went back to the school where I received my Master's degree for two weeks of intensive classes. Each weekday pretty much found me sitting in a chair in a classroom for about 7 hours, learning from some of the best minds in the various fields.

The first class (6 credits) was about reaching out with God's Word, and then, how to incorporate people into the local body of Christ of the congregation. I found this to be a very helpful class, and now my project is to write up two different plans, one for evangelism at the congregation I'm a part of, and one for incorporating people into the congregation as they hear the Good News. The best part is, these are not to be simply papers I turn in with great thoughts, but are to be actual working documents with the people of the congregation. Hopefully I'll be able to give you some updates on how these go in the future.

The second class (3 credits) took a look at interpreting the Bible. This was a very intriuging class. First of all, I had to break out my Hebrew and Greek skills, which are not always used as much as I would like. But in looking at the Bible, my classmates and I were challenged to interpret our selected readings as they occur in the Bible. For example, if you read the account of Elijah and the widow of Zarephath, what are some of your thoughts about that reading? How do we apply that reading to our lives as Christians? And how do we do it in a way that keeps the uniqueness of the miracle at the forefront of God's work?

For this class, I have a ten page paper to write. My topic is based upon Psalm 4:2-3. It basically takes a look at the two verses, praying them, meditating upon them, and then struggling with how they touch me in life. Throughout the paper, I use my example of the struggle with the reading to demonstrate how those who are part of my church body benefit from reading and struggling with what the Bible says.

One of the great things about these classes is that I have grown in my appreciation for just how strange and odd the God of the Bible truly is to our human perception. I have found myself re-reading stories I thought I knew well, and finding just how strange and unique the situation was. I would challenge each of you to take one of your more familiar or favorite stories, and then read it, looking at just how God appears in that story. Who knows, you just might be surprised at how radical God seems to be.

Character

As 2010 begins to wrap up, it's always a good time to look back at everything that God has sent through the year. There are always ups and down, high points and low points, things you want to always remember, and things you'd love to forget. Yet, as we experience each of these, God molds and forms our character, taking our rough clay and molding it into something that, hopefully, more resembles His Son.

Character formation is perhaps one of the most inexact things to measure. How do you know when someone has character? What is the difference between character and integrity, if any? How do character and personality interact and relate to one another? That's what makes it difficult to gauge how you have changed in character over time.

For myself, I have seen where God is really working on me and molding me. One area in particular is that of compassion and care. Sometime over the course of the summer and fall, it really struck me how God has a deep, heartfelt compassion for the people of this world, and that the Christian faith is best expressed when God's people have this same compassion. That involves getting over ourselves and our sense of self-importance, and truly making people the top priority.

That means that we reflect Jesus in our interactions with others. We genuinely care about them. We can all spot someone who doesn't really care, who is only using us to get something of benefit for themselves. Over the past few months, I have been shaped to care for others in greater, deeper ways. At times, that has even caused conflicts between myself and others when it meant that they didn't get their way since it was more self-centered. But I am okay with that. As long as God, myself, and the person for whom I am demonstrating compassion and care know, I'm fine with living that way.

Paul writes that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope. I have seen how God is working on the character part, noting how all of these are inter-related in my life. My hope and prayer is that you see God doing this kind of work in your life as well.

Tidbits, Odd Things, and a Bit of This and That

The Christmas tree is up. Our usual tradition is to put it up the day or two after Thanksgiving, but since we were out of town with some family commitments, we had to delay a bit this year. Right now, it has the lights, and the ornaments will start finding their way to the tree this weekend.

Carrie spotted a great deal for me over the past few weeks. I have a fairly large number of CDs in my collection that I rarely listen to anymore. She found a coupon to the local Hastings that gives you 5 extra dollars if you sell back 5 CDs. So far, we've had three such coupons, and I have made good use of them.

I have discovered a new favorite fruit. It's the asian pear, which has the taste of a pear, but the consistency more like an apple. We've signed up a few times for a local fruit and veggie pick-up, which has included these in our basket of delights, and I have truly taken a liking to these sweet delights!

Is it really December when you live in the mountains in the north, and yet it's still in the mid-40s outside?

We ordered some pants for me from L.L. Bean a couple of weeks ago. My size is such that it is fairly difficult to find my size in stock at stores. So we ordered a pair (getting a $10 gift card along with the order). I received them this week, and they fit great. Then, in the catalog they sent along with the pants, we found some more pants on sale for an even greater discount. Two more pairs should be arriving at our door soon!

I have maintained my running through the winter. It's very likely that I am in the best shape of my life right now. Though today's 8 mile run was one that I really had to push through.

As you can tell, my thoughts are a little random today. Maybe in the next day or two, I'll get back to you with one of my usual thought-provoking, laughter-invoking posts. Until then, may God be with you!

21 Gun Salute

In all my life, I have never had the privilege of attending the funeral of a war veteran for our country. At least, that is, up until this week. Last week, I posted about Carrie's grandfather passing from this life to the next, and how thankful we are for the hope of resurrection and new life through faith in Jesus. Her grandfather expressed his faith in Jesus, and we both have the certainty that he is currently attending the great marriage feast in heaven.

However, when he lived his life in this world, Carrie's grandfather was a World War II veteran. He was a paratrooper, and got dropped more than once during the invasion of Europe. We got to hear a few of his stories when we last visited him, even though he truly was so humble that it was difficult to hear a lot about his adventures.

Having survived the war, and the many years since then, he was eligible for the honor of a military burial. After the funeral service at the church at which he was a founding member, we drove out to the nearby burial ground for veterans. Though it was cold and drizzly, we gathered under a small shelter, during which time the honor guard went through their ritual. Perhaps the hardest moment for all of us was when the 7 guns sounded their three times, as taps sounded, and then, as the folded flag was given to his widow. Overall, it was a very emotional time.

We can never repay those veterans who have fought in the preservation of our freedom. It doesn't matter if they fought in such distant wars as Word War II, or in the many current or recent conflicts that have erupted around the world. In the same way, we can never repay Jesus for the fight He fought on the cross, and the freedom we have because of His willing sacrifice.

Saying "Goodbye"

There are always times in life where we have to say "goodbye". Sometimes it is when friends move away, or when we move away. At other times, it is when someone is permanently taken from us in death. Today is such a day for Carrie and I.

Carrie's grandfather, her dad's father, left this life earlier today. Last month, he was diagnosed with colon cancer (never a good thing), which had spread throughout his body. Over the past few weeks, Carrie has been able to talk with her family, including her grandfather, and was able to talk about faith matters and the like. While those kind of conversations are never easy, she has handled them with a great deal of grace.

We mourn today because of the death of her grandfather. However, because of our belief in God, and in what God has accomplished through Jesus and the cross, we believe that we will see her grandfather again in God's enduring kingdom. This means that, though we have sorrow now, we also can be thankful, and even joyful, that the end of life in this world does not mean the end of life. Instead, we merely enter into a life that is perfect and will never end with God, through Jesus.

Our hope is that each and every one of you will know this same kind of hope, which is yours when you put your faith and trust in Jesus.

What Might Have Been

June 2nd. A day filled with so much anticipated joy and expected happiness. A day that signaled a huge change for us. A day that seemed so far off when we first heard the date, and yet it is now here. And instead of joy...it's filled with sorrow. Instead of happiness....it's filled with unmet dreams. Instead of anticipation...it's filled with remembrance. Why?

Today was my due date.

Some of you have traveled with us on our difficult journey these past few months, and others have not known. I apologize for not sharing this with those of you we don't see very often, but it's only been recently that it's become easier to tell our story.

And so today, instead of waiting for or holding a small baby, I tell our story in memory of the small life that ended too quickly.

Late September 2009- we had recently returned from my brother's wedding and found out we were pregnant. We were quite surprised, yet excited as well. We began talking and dreaming about how our life was to change with a new addition in the family. We started praying for our baby nightly and I began my pregnancy journal. There was so much joy. We didn't tell many people though because we wanted to wait until after our first ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. We didn't have much reason to fear, yet we had seen a few people around us joyfully announce pregnancies, only to have them not work out.

October- our first ultrasound appointment on a Friday. I was 9 weeks at this point and was so anxious to know everything was ok. Nothing could have prepared us for the devastation we would experience when the ultrasound revealed the baby only measured 6+ weeks with no heartbeat or bloodflow. We went home and cried the entire weekend. It was horrible. I cannot begin to explain the emotional pain and heartache that occurred when we heard the term missed miscarriage. All of our hopes, dreams, and plans were snatched from us in a matter of minutes. I was so angry at God for not stopping this. I knew God hadn't caused it, yet I knew in His infinite power He could have prevented it.

We went back on Monday for a follow-up and to discuss our options. The ultrasound showed the same, but my hormone levels were still increasing appropriately for how far along I was. Therefore, we decided to wait and watch what was happening and pray for wisdom regarding decisions that had to be made.

November- We ended up waiting two weeks until my body finally was able to let go of our baby and naturally miscarry. What a dreadful two weeks those were...not really being able to move on because I knew our deceased child was still in me, yet grieving because the pregnancy had ended. I felt like a walking zombie during that time.

It was after most of this that we began sharing our devastating news with people. I knew I could not make it through the grief process without the prayers of so many, and yet it was hard to be so open and vulnerable with people- some of whom had been through this before and others that had no clue what it meant to lose a baby. Still, we opened ourselves up and shared where we were at.

Where does that leave us today? We are still healing, me more so than Scott. Grief is such an ugly monster- rearing its head at unexpected times. And yet I know it's normal and I know I'm healing. I don't grieve as much as I did before and I am finding more hope in life. I just didn't think it would be such a long process- emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And through it all, I know God is molding us to be more compassionate and loving because of our miscarriage. We are changed people because of it. God can use the hurt and pain in our life to bring about good.

And I guess that's part of my hope today. That by sharing my story, God would be glorified through it. I don't know what the future holds for us or our family, but I'm trying to leave it in the hands of God who is able to give immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

We will always remember in our hearts, however, our first child who changed us in so many ways.