Portia De Rossi Admits Falling For It

Motivation for reading:
I decided to read Portia De Rossi’s book Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gainafter seeing it on a list of books about self-acceptance. One of my 2015 goals for this blog is to promote self-acceptance.

What is Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain about?
Portia De Rossi is a model and actress who stared in the popular TV shows Ally McBeal and Arrested Development. In this book she shares her personal struggle with eating disorders. Beginning at age 12 she began practicing excessive dieting and bulimic behaviors to stay thin for her modeling career. After feeling shamed by her size 8 body during a photo shoot for L’Oréal she takes her diet and fitness obsessions to a new level and becomes anorexic. Weighing only 82 lbs. she collapses. Doctors inform her she has osteoporosis and her organs were shutting down, but it wasn’t until she realizes she "fell for it" while reading Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Mythdoes she begin a turn-around:

I remember feeling ashamed for calling myself a feminist when I had blatantly succumbed to the oppression of the mass media telling me what was beautiful, how to look and what to weigh. I had always prided myself on the fact that I was smart, analytical, and someone who didn’t “fall for it.” By starving myself into society’s beauty ideal, I had compromised my success, my independence, and my quality of life. The stick-thin prepubescent girls never should have had power over me. I should’ve had my sights set on successful businesswomen and successful female artists, authors and politicians to emulate. Instead I stupidly and pointlessly just wanted to be considered pretty. I squandered my brain and my talent to squeeze into a size 2 dress while my male counterparts went to work on making money, making policy, making a difference. (Pg. 287)

My Thoughts:
This is a book about De Rossi and the conversations she has with herself about food, body image and her lack of self-acceptance. She mentions only in passing Ellen DeGeneres and a few of her co-stars from Ally McBeal. I was struck by how lonely she was and how she feared she would lose her career if her true sexual orientation was discovered. Her detailed account of eating rituals and obsessive workouts are truly scary.

Another interesting point, even at 82 pounds De Rossi still saw herself as fat. It wasn’t until after her health scare that she realized dieting wasn’t going to change her body’s proportions:

I saw a round face, thin arms, a body rib cage, a thick waist, and big thick legs. It was the same body I had always seen, only smaller. The proportions were the same. (Pg. 272)

Bottom Line:
If you know someone with an eating disorder and are interested in learning more about their rituals and how they think I recommend this book. I don’t recommend it for someone with an eating disorder. Professionals feel it is too much of a how-to guide for those prone to eating disorders and they may get additional ideas. It also glosses over the recovery process.

I do recommend it for a self-acceptance book club. It could lead to an interesting discussion.

As for me, I too fell for it. I’ve written before about how I spent most of my free time in my teens and early twenties shopping for the perfect outfit, styling my hair and experimenting with beauty regiments. My husband, on the other hand, at the same age was participating in sports, learning new things, working and traveling. I am also adding Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth to my reading list since I’ve never read it in its entirety.

Have you fell for society’s definition of the beauty ideal? What books would you recommend for a self-acceptance book club?

How to dress "strong" at work?

When I began my career in the late 80’s it was easy to dress “strong” at work. I would wear an expensive freshly dry-cleaned power suit, a pair of tan colored nylons, along with matching pumps and I was out the door. Whether I was at work, lunching with my co-workers or running errands after work I always felt strong in this outfit. Then along came the 90’s when many companies adopted relaxed workplace dress-codes. Currently, it is not unusual to see jeans, capris or even flip flops at the office. The problem with this relaxed-style is I no longer feel “strong” as I walk into meetings wearing a polo shirt, khakis and flats.

For suggestions on power dressing in a business casual environment, I turned to executive styling consultant expert Catherine Storing who agreed to be interviewed on this topic. Catherine Storing can be found at http://catherinestoring.com/.

Several years ago, I attended a two-week workshop covering communication skills for women. The first week I wore a purple suit, the second a pink one. After the last session, the instructor pulled me aside and told me I dressed too pretty. She recommended I wear grey or black if I wanted to be taken seriously in the workplace. Ironically, just prior to my interview with Catherine I came across a photo of myself wearing a lavender jacket and tan slacks at a work function. I sent the photo to Catherine asking her to critique my outfit:

 Catherine was much kinder than my former instructor instead of blurting out my outfit was all wrong she complimented my smile and offered the following suggestions:

You want to stand out.

You want to be the first thing people see when they walk into the room.

Don’t be afraid to wear color.  The lavender jacket I was wearing in the photo muted my appearance. She recommended I not wear pastels unless I contrasted them with color.

Here is more of my interview with Catherine Storing:

Do you have any recommendations for dressing casual at the office?
Business casual was meant to relax corporate dressing and give employees a little more freedom to express themselves through their clothing.  Business casual should be professional only a little more relaxed. My motto is comfortable = confident. Clothes should be loose and comfortable; they should fit well and be designed for your body type. If an article of clothing bothers you when you put it on, take it off.  It will bother you all day.

Here is an example of appropriate business casual attire:

Just because your office has a business casual dress code, it doesn’t mean you have to adhere to it, at least not completely. If you’re looking to get promoted, you need to dress seriously. And you have to dress the part-as if you already have the part you want and have earned.

Suits are very important. If you own two suits including a jacket, skirt and pants you should be able to create ten different outfits. Wear them with a colorful funky blouse that is form fitting. The jacket should hit right below your waist and shouldn't cover your butt completely.

Purchase one or two charcoal separates because they are so easy to pair with something else.

Dresses are also a good choice because they eliminate the need to find a matching blouse to wear with them as you would with a skirt or pants.  They can also be dressed up or down.

What about accessories?

When done right accessories compliment and elevate corporate attire. Just remember you are going to work and not to a party.

Earrings are a good choice because they frame the face. Wear small hoops.  Over-sized hoops do not belong in the office.

Necklaces – layer medium size bangles of like colors and textures.

Watch – every career woman needs a good timepiece.  No girlie watches and never one with rhinestones. She recommends Michael Kors for affordable style.

Rings – wear one or two that compliment your outfit.
 

Here is a photo of Catherine having fun with accessories.  Also, I love her shoes:

Speaking of shoes, can I wear high heels to the office?

It is fine to wear 3-1/2 inch heels, but don't wear black and never skinny. Wedges are easier on your feet, as are platform boots. I recommend wearing heels because you want to be at eye level to be seen and heard. For comfort I like Naturalizer and Rockport.

What current trends do you recommend?

Color - I prefer solids. If you want to wear a pattern make sure the pattern is small.

Leggings

Awesome wrap around sweaters

Jeans - trousers are amazing. Wear them with a little top for a polished look.

Capris are fine as long as they are form-fitting. They shouldn’t be short.

Tights off black or black are great for winter.

What stores do you recommend?

Talbots – for dresses.

Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor Loft – for your power suit.  Watch for sales.

Banana Republic – for pants. They also have a great selection for petites.

TJ Maxx – for accessories especially watches. Also, good for undergarments, tights and socks.

Make sure your style is age-appropriate:

For the 30 – 50+ crowd you should not wear low riser jeans. Do not show your stomach or wear really tight clothes.  When I talk about form-fitting clothes I mean tailored to you, not tight.  Forever 21 is a store for teen girls, not for adult women.
 
What are some of your business casual don’ts?
No flip flops ever.

No sweats.

Never go sleeveless.

No cleavage. You want people to notice the color the color of your eyes.

No miniskirts. Your skirt should fall either right below or above the knee.

Never wear nude nylons. Unless nylons are the right color they don't look natural. Instead she recommends shaving and not showing too much skin.

For more tips on dressing appropriately for work please see Business Casual Dress Code Done Right.
 

What should a woman wear to a meeting where she is the only woman in attendance?

She should wear her favorite outfit or power suit, the one that fits her well and is comfortable.  This is not the time to go out and buy something new.

 

 What should a woman wear to a conference attended almost entirely by men (all wearing blue oxford shirts and khakis)?
A dress and don’t be afraid to wear red.  She should also wear make-up.

 

What should I wear when I need to make a quick run to the store? More than once, I’ve run into a colleague wearing sweats and no makeup.

Wear a trench coat. Close it and it automatically dresses up whatever you are wearing. Also be sure to wear a bra.

 

How should I dress for my body type which is athletic?

By athletic do you mean flat chested?

Yes, that is what I mean?

For the athletic body type:

Your look should be feminine. You should wear dresses and skirts. Wear necklaces and scarves to draw attention away from a smaller bust.  Opt for fitted clothing over clothes that are loose.  Make sure your bra maximizes whatever there is. You do not want your bra to separate, but to lift.

Are there any books that have influenced you or that you recommend to others?
The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin. Gretchen is a mom and business owner who promotes balance and forgiving yourself for not getting it right.

I'd Rather Be in Charge: A Legendary Business Leader's Roadmap for Achieving Pride, Power, and Joy at Work by Charlotte Beers.

Turning Pro: Tap Your Inner Power and Create Your Life's Work

by Steve Pressfield

What do you know now that you wish you’d have known when you were 18?

What I wanted at 18 will change over time and that is okay. Study what you want in college don't care what your major is. Go for what you love.

What is the most important advice you give to clients?

I believe I am an amazing person and everyone else is too. Everyone is so judgmental about what they look like and can't take a compliment. Just say thank you.
 

Is there anything else we should know about you?

We are a work in progress.  and  Where we are is where we need to be.

Thank you, Catherine Storing for an enjoyable and informative interview. In addition to Catherine Storing's website, She can be found on twitter and pinterest.  To learn more about Catherine's services, please visit:

 http://catherinestoring.com/services/

Balpreet Kaur: A Strong Woman

I first learned of Balpreet Kaur and her story on CNN in Jodi Lobozzo Aman’s blog post If We Responded This Way We Would Change The World.

Balpreet Kaur is a Sikh woman who has visible facial hair and wears a turban. Two college students took her picture and posted it on reddit under the caption, “I’m not sure what to conclude from this.” The photo elicited comments from those who teased to those who were disgusted by the post. After hearing of the taunt Balpreet Kaur posted the following response on reddit:

"Hey, guys. This is Balpreet Kaur, the girl from the picture. I actually didn't know about this until one of my friends told on facebook. If the OP wanted a picture, they could have just asked and I could have smiled :)

However, I'm not embarrassed or even humiliated by the attention [negative and positive] that this picture is getting because, it's who I am. Yes, I'm a baptized Sikh woman with facial hair. Yes, I realize that my gender is often confused and I look different than most women. However, baptized Sikhs believe in the sacredness of this body - it is a gift that has been given to us by the Divine Being [which is genderless, actually] and, must keep it intact as a submission to the divine will. Just as a child doesn't reject the gift of his/her parents, Sikhs do not reject the body that has been given to us. By crying 'mine, mine' and changing this body-tool, we are essentially living in ego and creating separateness between ourselves and the divinity within us.

By transcending societal views of beauty, I believe that I can focus more on my actions. My attitude and thoughts and actions have more value in them than my body because I recognize that this body is just going to become ash in the end, so why fuss about it? When I die, no one is going to remember what I looked like, heck, my kids will forget my voice, and slowly, all physical memory will fade away. However, my impact and legacy will remain: and, by not focusing on the physical beauty, I have time to cultivate those inner virtues and hopefully, focus my life on creating change and progress for this world in any way I can. So, to me, my face isn't important but the smile and the happiness that lie behind the face are. :-)
 
 So, if anyone sees me at OSU, please come up and say hello. I appreciate all of the comments here, both positive and less positive because I've gotten a better understanding of myself and others from this. Also, the yoga pants are quite comfortable and the Better Together t-shirt is actually from Interfaith Youth Core, an organization that focuses on storytelling and engagement between different faiths. :)

I hope this explains everything a bit more, and I apologize for causing such confusion and uttering anything that hurt anyone."The original reddit poster was then shamed into writing an apology.  

There is so much going on here from the original reddit poster who goes by the handle “european_douchebag’s keyboard courage, to Balpreet Kaur using this incident as an opportunity to educate us about her religion to Jodi Lobozzo Aman’s post highlighting Balpreet’s ability to dissolve conflict rather than feed it. 

I want to focus on Balpreet Kaur herself; a calm, courageous and strong women. In this age of get injections or get lost and the quest for beauty even if it hurts it is refreshing to hear of a woman who truly accepts herself.

I can’t help but wonder if more people, including myself, aspired to Balpreet Kaur's standard of inner beauty and wisdom how much better off our society would be. Balpreer Kaur is an inspiration and an amazing example of a strong woman.

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Will I be pretty?
The Body Project
Shadeism

Will I be pretty?

I discovered this video of poetry slammer Katie Makkai reciting her poem “Pretty” over on Bella of One Sister's Rant's website. Watch it – I guarantee you’re definition of the word “pretty” will never be the same:

In Bella's post Who's ready to stop the insanity?, Bella encourages us to join forces and together redefine what comprises beauty. She writes:

Let us laugh, giggle, and support each other in our grief, pain, and triumphs.

Let us go back to the time when being best friends meant sharing secrets, helping one another, and splitting a stick of gum.

Let us encourage each other so that we can all come to believe we are beautiful; that we are worthy.

The only way we can stop the insanity is by coming together to say, enough.

Let us demonstrate that the sisterhood still exists and it’s on a mission; a mission to stop the insanity.

What say you, ladies?
Are you in?

I was the first one to respond I was in.  Stopping the insanity has long been one of the goals of this blog and my Making Women Count project. One of my biggest life regrets is spending too much time and mental energy in my teens and twenties trying to attain society’s ideal of “pretty.”  

For all of you, who are joining forces with Bella and me, be advised we have our work cut out for us.  My 10-year old niece is a gifted athlete, but receives many more messages from family, her peers and the media that she should work on being more “girlie” rather than on her soccer game or pitching arm.  At a recent Father-Daughter dance at her school, some of her fourth grade classmates showed up in makeup and with their hair professionally styled.  These are nine and ten year olds.

Then there is the latest addition to our family.  A baby girl born on Valentine’s Day:

Just days old and there have already been comments about her appearance.  Here is a picture of the baby's parents and brothers:

Have you spotted the baby's flaw?

You got it.

The baby's hair is not blonde.

It is not the baby's mother who is concerned about this (she knows her baby is perfect), but another family member.  A bleached blonde who gasped when I pointed out that the natural hair color of all the adult members of our family is actually brown.

I spend many family get-togethers kicking this particular family member under the table or jabbing her with my elbow while she is talking to the ten-year old.   I don't want today's girls growing up believing the message society continues to force upon girls:  we need to be "pretty."  Instead why can't we instill the message from my favorite line of Kattie Makkai's poem:

“You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing. But you, will never be merely 'pretty'.” 

What can we do to stop the insanity? How can we change the conversation?
Lisa Bloom in How to talk to little girls provides an excellent example of how to talk to little girls.  Instead of telling a little girl she had met how gorgeous she was and asking her to model her pretty dress, she asked her about her favorite book.  What a novel idea; asking her about her mind. Bloom goes on to say:

Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.

Be cognizant of opportunities to change the conversation:
Recently ahead of me in the checkout-line at the grocery store, an eleven-year old girl and her mother were admiring the models on magazine covers. The girl was pointing at them talking about how pretty and skinny they were. I butted in on their conversation and said, "They don't really look like that you know. Those photos are photo shopped." Her mother took my cue and agreed with me.  She began telling her daughter how perfect she was and that she didn't need to wear makeup.

Are you ready to change the conversation and to stop the insanity? If so head over to Bella's blog and let her know you too are in.

Here are links from a few fellow bloggers who've committed to changing the conversation:
Virginia Sole Smith's Brave Books for Girls (not Princesses) provides a list of her favorite books from childhood featuring brave (non-princess-y) girls as the main characters and none of them never so much as mentions their weight.

Elizabeth at Yo Mama praises Ashley Judd for slapping media in the face for speculation over her 'puffy' face appearance in  Making Ashley Judd's Moment Last.

Lori at The Ole Master Plan writes about weight and her own experience with prednisone in Worth Doesn't Equal a Size 4.

If you have written a blog post or know of one that belongs on the above list, let me know I will be happy to add it. Let's work together and say enough.

Boss attacks employee's weight

Rachel writes:

I recently received two personal attacks at my workplace. First my boss, who is female, told me I was putting on weight in front of my co-worker. Then five days later she said it again only this time in front of my peers, other managers and her boss. I'm quite sure I'm not overweight, but with age my belly is kind of rounder than before. I do not work in the modeling industry where slimness is important. It's really demoralizing to be humiliated in front of everyone. Any ideas how I can deal this?

Your boss’s comments were rude, inappropriate and unprofessional. I am actually surprised the other managers or your boss’s boss did not say something to her at the time of the attack. Perhaps they were so taken aback they didn’t know what to say.

Here are some ideas to deal with this:

- Was this common behavior? Has your boss personally attacked you or made inappropriate comments about you in the past? If this has been the norm write down every incident you can think of and take your case to your company’s HR department.

- What about your co-workers, does she attack them or make inappropriate comments about them as well. Put your stories together and go to HR as a group. If your company does not have an HR department, schedule a meeting with your boss’s boss.

- If this incident was a rare occurrence, schedule a meeting with your boss. Tell her you were humiliated and embarrassed by her references to your weight. Ask that she not mention your weight to you or anyone else again. If she starts making excuses like I was just trying to help or something ridiculous like that tell her you do not want to discuss it further, but would appreciate an apology.

- Ignore the incident or make a joke of it. If this is a one or in this case two time occurrence and you are not comfortable talking to your boss or going to HR you could write this one off as she is being a “Queen Bee” and her day will come. If she makes another comment you could make a joke about it. Say something like, “You know what they say - Thin may be in, but fat is where it’s at.”* Her comments say more about her than it does about you. I bet she has insecurities about her own weight and puts a lot of emphasis on appearance.

Speaking of belly fat, I want to mention I have the same problem. Once I entered my mid-forties I began noticing my belly protrudes a bit yet I hadn't gained weight. I even asked my doctor if there was something I could do about it. She told me my “belly fat” question was the most common question she receives from woman aged 45-55. Unfortunately she blames the problem on gravity and didn’t offer any solutions.

*This was one of my mother-in-law’s favorite jokes. I told my husband I was including it in this post and he thinks it is terrible advice. He prefers you talk to your manager one-on-one and demand an apology.

What do others think?  Do you have any advice for Rachel?

Making Women Count: Ending the Year on a Low Note

Last year around this time I read a little book by Susan Bulkeley Butler called Women Count: A Guide to Changing the World. I was so inspired by the book's message (Butler re-assesses how far we’ve come – and how far we have to go) that I made it my 2011 blog goal to Make Women Count. Looking back on my blog postings throughout the year I have to admit many of them were down right depressing.  Here is a sampling:

Shadeism:  I discover that discrimination still exists between lighter-skinned and darker-skinned members in the same community. Mothers along with their daughters, some as young as six, continue to use potentially harmful skin lightening creams. The question has to be asked, "Don't women already have enough to deal with?"

I am Guilty of Gender Bias - In the midst of my Making Women Count Project, I am disappointed with myself when I automatically and wrongly assume a woman I was introduced to is the subordinate and the man she is with the manager.

Muslim Women Reformers - Ida Lichter’s book Muslim Women Reformers: Inspiring Voices Against Oppression I read of the horrific plight of Muslim women and the brave women reformers who risk everything including their lives to fight for social and political rights.

Should Employee Report Sexual Harassment - In this true story, both the female employee and her female manager are afraid to report sexual harassment for fear of retaliation while their male manager continues to grope, intimidate and harass them. 

The Body Project - In Joan Jacobs Brumberg's book The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls I read increasingly since the early 1900s middle-class adolescent girls and women went from developing their inner beauty to working on their body; so much so that their bodies have become a project.

Gender Wealth Gap - In Mariko Chang's book Shortchanged: Why Women Have Less Wealth and What Can Be Done About It I learn that although women are making advances in the pay gap they still drastically drag in the wealth gap owning only 36% as much wealth as a man owns.

Lisa Bloom Preaches to the Choir - In Lisa Bloom's book Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World I learn twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize and that twenty-three percent would rather lose their ability to read than their figures. Come on ladies please stop spending so much time watching reality TV and start spending more time reading.

Then last night I viewed this enlightening video:

In the video Sheryl Sandberg informs us we still have a real problem:
Women became 50 percent of the college graduates in the United States in 1981. Since then, we have slowly and steadily made progress, earning increasingly more of the college degrees, taking more of the entry-level jobs, going into previously male-dominated fields, moving up each step of the ladder. But there is one big exception to this improvement -- the top jobs. Thirty years later, we have not come close to holding our proportional share of positions of power in any industry.

More alarmingly, the numbers at the top are no longer improving. In the 2008 election, women lost seats in Congress for the first time in three decades. Across the corporate sector, women have held 15 to 16 percent of the C-level jobs and Board seats since 2002. Globally, only nine of 190 countries are led by women. So even as people worry about boys falling behind girls in education and write articles with headlines like "The End of Men," we have to acknowledge that men still run the world. Our revolution has stalled.

For me the lowest point of the video was Sheryl's revelation that:

My generation really sadly is not going to change the numbers at the top.  They are just not moving.  We are not going to get to 50% of the population.  In my generation we are not going to get to the 50% of women at the top in any industry.

What generation is Sheryl talking about? Sheryl Sandberg was born August 28, 1969 and is seven years younger than me.  She is right though; my generation and those of you who are a few years younger are not going to achieve this. We had too far to go:

I remember my female dorm mate back in 1981, a civil engineering major whose professor advised her to change her major because women were not qualified to be engineers.  She stuck it out though, coming home in tears more than once after being publicly ridiculed in class.  He gave her a "D."  She graduated five years later with a B.S. in Engineering. I haven't kept up with her, so I don't know where she is now, but I do know she struggled to even become an engineer.

Which brings me to Rebecca Traister's book Big Girls Don't Cry: The Election that Changed Everything for American Women one of my last reads of 2011 recommended by Kim at Sophisticated Dorkiness. I don't particularly enjoy politics, so I really struggled to finish this one; especially the chapters covering the contest between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Since Kim mentioned she enjoyed the chapters after Hillary was out of the race a little bit better I forced myself to soldier on. In the end Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary, and became the first woman ever to win a presidential primary contest - a fact down played by the media  Though with her loss to Barack Obama, many first wave feminists also lost hope of seeing a woman elected president in their lifetime.

The book brought home the realization that both sexism and racism still exist in America and played a role in the 2008 election. Both Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin were victims of sexism.  Plus, feminists questioned whether a Sarah Palin win would actually be harmful for feminism. Here is what Lafferty had to say about Sarah Palin in the Daily Beast:

Not believing in abortion personally was one thing. But preventing other women from exerting full control over their bodies and health, assessing their value as lesser than the value of the fetuses they carried, was, it seemed to me and many others, fundamentally anti-feminist and anti-female.

Other interesting tidbits:
Michelle Obama has been forced to tone down her power and brain to better suit the media's demand for a more subdued and traditional first lady.

And as to Hillary – it was easier to embrace this woman in a state of diminished power, once she had lost the big prize, when she was no longer threatening the chances of the cool guy.

In conclusion:
As the title of this blog post indicates my Making Women Count project is ending the year on a low note, although I am energized to hear Sheryl Sandberg state she is hopeful that future generations can achieve the 50%.  While revisiting my initial Making Women Count post, I realized that despite the depressing revelations and disappointing results Making Women Count continues to be important goal for me. I have decided to continue with the project in 2012.

Weekend Wisdom

This weekend I've decided to participate in Hot Coco's Weekend Wisdom Blog Hop. Participants are to answer one of three questions.  I am choosing:

What did you learn this week that made a difference in your life, and could make a difference in someone else's?

I have to admit I’ve been a having a difficult time lately. I wake up at odd hours like 4:00 a.m. and am unable to fall back to sleep. I'm irritable. I wrote about losing my cool here. Then this week I got uncharacteristically upset when management announced a new training program based on the book Who Moved My Cheese? Unable to control my emotion, I expressed what a colossal waste of time and money this would be. Even my boss who usually backs me up couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t let this one go. I find myself unable to control how my brain works. On Friday, I had two difficult meetings along with an important project due. By the end of the day I was asking questions that didn’t make sense, began addressing co-workers by the wrong names and even told a salesman a co-worker was absent when she was clearly sitting at her desk.*

When my husband (who can tell my mood by looking into my eyes) asked what is wrong and that I seem so edgy lately, I realized I've had enough. Similar to the smoker who wakes up one morning and realizes they’ve had enough and its time to quit, I realized I no longer want to be like this. I am tired of being angry all the time. I let little annoyances fester into obsessions; the girl at the gym who never stops talking and invades my space, the manager who discounts all ideas that are not his or the one who boasts about how smart he is. Plus, I'm not feeling up to all the cooking and cleaning that comes with hosting Thanksgiving.

I told a friend my New Year’s resolution was going to be working on not getting so upset over trivial things. In 2012 I turn 50. I don’t want to be this angry middle-aged woman. Surprisingly she answered with:

That is so weird. I just told another friend that my New Year’s resolution is to relax and not get worked up about things that don’t really matter. Mellow out and take things slower. Stop killing myself for my ungrateful kids and start doing more for myself. I want more out of life. We were talking about all the ailments we have as we get older and I told her what your doctor told you that time “embrace the new you”. I still think that is sadly hilarious and true.**

Then it hit me, I along with my friends are experiencing the symptoms of menopause. During this crazy time, when I can’t control what is going on with my body I am going to need the support of friends or possibly a good therapist more than ever. I have always taken great pride in my ability to control my emotions and was able to work uninterrupted for many hours. A healthy diet and exercise program is not going to be enough. Perhaps recognizing that I have a problem and committing to change will make a difference.

* The appearance of fine lines on my face along with my perpetually chapped lips is not helping my mood.

**This was my doctor’s response when I asked her what I could do about my belly fat.

If you would like to learn more about my thoughts on business books see my post Can reading a book transform you or your business from good to great?

The Body Project

Motivation for reading
I decided to read Joan Jacobs Brumberg's book The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls after reading this review posted on Ava’s blog A Striped Armchair.

What is it about?
Brumberg provides an historical look at adolescent girls’ perception of body image from the Victorian era to the early 90’s (the book was published in 1997). The book’s premise is that increasingly since the early 1900s middle-class adolescent girls and women went from developing their inner beauty to working on their body; so much so that their bodies have became a project.

In the Victorian era, beauty was thought to derive primarily from internal qualities such as moral character, spirituality, and health. (Pg.70)

Compare that to this 1982 New Year’s resolution:

I will try to make myself better in any way I possibly can...I will lose weight, get new lenses, already got new haircut, good makeup, new clothes, and accessories. (Pg. xxi)

Brumberg points out girls are maturing faster and menstruating sooner than they did in the past and that our society currently does not provide a protective support system for them as the mother-daughter bond did in the past.

Although middle-class parents are invested more than ever before in the health and education of their adolescent girls, one of the most intimate aspects of the mother-daughter relationship- menarche and menstruation- had been relegated to medicine and to the marketplace by the time of World War II. (Pg 198)

My Thoughts:
The Body Project is a quick read that brought back my own body project. In my teens and early twenties I spent almost all of my free time shopping for the perfect outfit, styling my hair, applying Clearasil to my pimples and trying to tan my porcelain white skin. Looking back I regret not spending this time doing something more worth while. Reading the book I realized how subtle things like standard-sized clothing and bra sizes had a big impact on how I felt about my appearance. I was a flat-chested, petite skinny teenager who had to shop in the children’s section long after my class-mates had graduated to junior sizes. Brumberg mentions how when the movie “10” with Bo Derek’s perfect “10” body came out boys began rating girl’s bodies on a scale from 1-10. I remember the boys in my high-school doing this. I never learned my score, but was convinced I was a 2 or a 3.

I was also reminded of “the body projects” of the girls I knew; the worst being a college class-mate who water-skied professionally during summer breaks. After one winter, her manager told the 116 pound 5’ 6” girl she was fat and needed to lose ten pounds if she wanted to ski in his shows. This statement ruined her life. She headed down a path of bulimia that she still suffers from today not to mention all of the dental bills she incurred (bulimia wears away the enamel of your teeth).

I have to point out marketing gimmick discoveries. Brumberg informs us:

By 1995, American women and girls were spending more than $100 million on “cellulite Busters,” many of which needed to be applied liberally, at least once or twice a day, at a cost of $60 a tube. Although scientific studies have never supported their effectiveness, thigh creams are major business; and liposuction, a procedure that vacuums fat from the thighs and buttocks has become the most popular kind of cosmetic surgery in the United States. (Pg. 127)

Overall, I enjoyed reading the historical information and the development of marketing trends, but the book was a little dated. There was an entire chapter on body piercing. And I am not sure if I needed to read about the diminishing importance of the hymen. Current topics that I’d like to see included are botox and the effects of social media on girls and young women. I agree with Ava this book would make a great read for a women’s book club. The book brings up so many topics for discussion several of which I already talk about amongst my family and friends. How to talk to our daughters? How much to tell them and when? How to change the focus from a perfect body to a healthy body?

This would be a good book for a mother, teacher or any women/teenager/girl trying to understand how her body became a “body project.”