Up Now, Can’t Sleep

I woke up from Ely’s bed at 12:45 AM sweating. Ari had turned off the air conditioning and it was HOT! Tried to take myself to my own bed, turned back on the AC, but my mind was up. Racing. Thinking.
What to do? What to say? How to do it? When? What is most important? How do I get him to care? To listen? Should I? Shouldn’t I? How? When?
Money. Do we have it? Should we spend it? How do I know? How do I make the decision?
Going to the states. Sending Ely. 7 weeks. Without me. Ari doesn’t like it. I feel selfish. I need the break. But is it too much for her? For Mom? For me?

Should I join them at the end? A lot of money. Do we have it? Should I spend it?

Logistics. Getting from Baltimore to Boston. Kids could probably do it on their own. Together. But should I make them? Means expectations from Mom and MIL. Packing. Shopping. Stressful.
Maybe I do want to be there. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I just need a short break. I hate flying.
I need sleep. But can’t get it. It eludes me.

Clean up the kitchen. Still digesting “dinner”. Can’t eat. Can’t sleep.

DB is leaving. Mentally and physically. I’m struggling. Don’t want to over-function. Graduation tomorrow. Not the same. Is he missing out? Are we? How could it be?

Sending the girls to camp. I’m torn. Time. Money. Responsibility. The “right” choice.

Still can’t decide what I want to do for my birthday. I will end up doing nothing… That will be sad!

New clients. Social skills. Converts. No-shows. Cancellations. 32 hours left to go.

Dovid’s coming. Professional Baseball in Israel. Fun or stressful?

Should I go to the states or not? Will Ely need me? Will it be too much on Mom? Ely says, “I’ll call you everyday Imma.” I know she’ll be okay. And maybe I should just go at the end. It’s only money. That’s what we have it for.
Why save it? Why spend it? Spend it until we don’t have it? Who should I ask? Who should I listen to? Who really knows?

Maybe I should take the money freedom course. LYO?

Mind racing. Need sleep. Felt "low" today. Kept going. Ignored it. But felt it in my gut. A little scary. Kept going. Don't touch it.

Embassy tomorrow. Anxious about the stress. I try to stay calm. Ari and I react differently. I over-function. Can’t stand the conflict.
Teenagers. So much work. Buy me, Get me. I need. I want. Take me. Leave me alone. You’re annoying. I don’t want to. How come? Whatever…

Israel. I live here. It’s not easy. Politics. War. Corruption. Prejudice. Judgment. Aggressive. Me Me Me. Shalom.

Decisions. Lights. Colors. Comfort. Practical. Useful. Money.

I need a break. Thinking too much. Need to relax my mind. Slow down. Stop.

Sleep. Go. Stop. Breathe. Go. Stop. Sleep.