The seemingly simple act of getting out of bed, washing your face and brushing your teeth should have been the easiest thing one can do to start the day. 

But that was not the case for me. I think I was in the worst place I've ever been in my life - and that is saying something coming from someone who went through steroid withdrawal at least 2 times. 

The knowledge of having brushed my teeth always made me feel more human, maybe because of the peppermint to wake up the senses?

I didn't know it could be this bad. I didn't know I could wait till 5pm or 6pm to eat my first meal or drink my first cup of water for the day. I didn't know my phone battery would allow me to scroll IG for 4 straight hours and still have 20% battery. What I do know is that it was self-destructive behaviour, but I didn't have motivation to do anything at all.   

But what else could I have done, after facing the biggest betrayal in my life? I don't think he can even comprehend the hurt..and I shouldn't but I hope he burns in hell..

I hope he will experience the same kind of hurt I did. 

It started with an announcement that we had to move our desks just so he could have 'more privacy'. 

I looked at him, the information already making me uncomfortable for some unexplainable reason. We work in an open concept office and wanting more privacy made sense. On the other hand, we also have meeting rooms and phone booths. So just moving to next to a wall would provide more privacy..? Also, I hated that we would be further away from the toilet and exit. What if I had an stomach emergency? That was always my fear, because it happened in my previous company.

Nevertheless, I kept my comments to myself and grudgingly complied. I packed my things, said goodbye to my neighbours and settled into the new space. The tradeoff for his supposed privacy was a desk in more crowded section for me; my new neighbour had a tendency to shout his 'Hellos' into the mic. "We are a noisy bunch here," said another new neighbour, trying to break the ice. I smiled weakly at her, not knowing what to say.    

RED FLAG 2

Before I left for my two-week holiday, he had proposed a new additional job scope and said he would do up the official job description when I was back. He asked about my health and I said it's better now and I appreciate him understanding my condition, especially the optics when I walk into the office late. I ended with telling him I will commit to the new scope and to give me feedback on my work.

Two weeks flew by and I accepted a meeting invite he sent me to go through the new job description upon my return. Going into the meeting room, I was surprised that the Head of HR was already sitting there. Her name was not on the meeting invite. 

"Do you know why I'm here?" she asked with a smile.

"No?" I looked at him but he only stared back blankly and almost shrugged.

She went on the explain the implication of accepting the new additional scope in the job description, "should I choose to accept the mission". My performance would be rated on the new scope and if I did not do well, it would affect my performance review. 

I looked through the long list of items and my brows furrowed, scrutinising at the detail of the document. I've never seen a job description that had so many numbers of deliverables; usually it would be a gist of the task, not the actual task itself. It even had a line saying "To report to office not later than 9.30am" to boot. 

"Are you okay with it? Do you think you'd be able to do it?" she asked. 

"I need some time to digest this and look through it. There's a lot that's new and I feel overwhelmed," I replied. "I haven't done them before but I'm willing to try and learn new things," I added, reemphasizing on my willingness to accept change.

The Head assured me that I would be shown the ropes of course, but eventually I would be expected to do the work on my own. I nodded my head, agreeing. That made sense. "Give me a day or two to look it through, I want to think about it," I told them, not wanting to jump into the water without knowing the temperature. "I think it is also too detailed for a job description." The Head agreed that we would extract specific KPIs from the job description and put those into the performance rating system where it should be. And I submitted the document with my signature on it, agreeing to start the new scope with 6 KPIs set from June to August.

I didn't like that he invited HR into the meeting without telling me first, but I had thought it was just because HR is typically involved in these 'dealings'. But did it have to be the most senior HR person?? Maybe it was the ease of doing business with her that he asked her, perhaps. She was direct to the point and I've always had a positive image of her. I filed that annoying feeling away, looking forward to get started with the new scope instead. 

RED FLAG 3

He fell ill and took a few days off. Then his wife's grandfather died and he extended his absence a week more. HR came to ask me what happened to him. His biggest stakeholder also wanted to know why he wasn't in the office recently. I told them what I knew and pinged him to ask if he was okay, along with some questions on work but he just answered my question about work.

I thought it was odd he didn't answer my question on whether he's okay- when his uncle died he had plenty to say. This was a stark contrast.

MORE RED FLAGS

After completing my first foray into the new scope, in the following weeks I sent feelers to check if he had other work for me. "Do you need help with anything?" There was no definitive reply and nothing came my way. "Do you want to have team lunch?" I asked several times and it was brushed off with excuses of appointments or meetings. I gave up asking and decided it wasn't my job to bring the team together to build better relations. But I felt responsible for the latest intern and didn't want to leave her alone.

Two months after our latest intern joined the team, we finally had our team meeting together, in person.  I was amazed it took this long. Since I worked from home on Mondays, I usually joined online and the previous intern and he would dial in from a meeting room. We would call with our cameras on and we would always run out of time to discuss every item on our planner. 

But now he seemed as though he was in a hurry to get to another "meeting". Every item was met with brusque questions or comments and the meeting was hurried through. Nothing much new was added and at one point, I felt like he was trying to make himself seem very busy. More questions were circling my head, but it no longer felt safe to ask them anymore. 

And so I continued my work while waiting to hear from him. There were scraps that he'd direct to me and I'd complete them in a jiffy. Did this task count as part of the KPI? I would wonder. There was no feedback or acknowledgement or thanks. I tried to include him in the ongoing tasks I was working on, especially the time I drafted an article on my personal experience. 

I knew it was a good piece which made my stakeholder very happy but there was no response from him at all. I was not looking for praise, but there wasn't even an acknowledgement when in the past, there would have been. It was as if the things I did for my job didn't count at all, unless if it was related to the new scope. But I couldn't tell what belonged to the new scope at all!

THE LAST STRAW

July rolled around and it was a lull period as Denmark was on vacation. I was tired of being bored and running out of things to do. We hardly spoke and when we did, I always felt like I was being brushed off. I felt the chasm widening and a building sense of quiet frustration. I couldn't understand why he was behaving this way - it was like a 180 degree change. Did I do or say something wrong? Why won't he talk to me anymore? When did this start? Why does it feel like he's a totally different person now??

I was very annoyed, but I didn't forget the timeline of when to complete my list of KPIs; I've completed 3 out of 6 but the remaining 3 were all related to the new scope that I had not started on. "Can you let me know if I'm on the right track and tell me how/where to start?" I finally wrote him, and left for the weekend. 

He sent me a meeting invite on the following Thursday evening with the very ominous title "Catch up". I accepted it, telling my husband maybe this is the meeting where he tells me to resign. I prayed and asked for wisdom for whatever conversation we will have.

My hunch was right, except the words didn't even come from his own mouth. And guess who showed up at the meeting? Yes, it's the uninvited HR Head again.

"Do you know why I'm here? Normally if I show up with a piece of paper, people will hate me already," she started. I had no idea what she was talking about and was still wondering why she was in a meeting that I wanted to have just with my manager. My face must have had a thousand questions.

She asked me how I was coping with the new job scope. "I feel like I barely did anything on it," I said. The rest of it became a blur. "I am quite reactive," I admitted and also thinking to myself, but I was super busy with internal comms to start on the new scope. "We need someone who can plug and play," she concluded.

Throughout the meeting, while listening to her, two observations were forming in my head: #1, she was the only one talking, not him. #2, there is no point to argue or defend myself because this was likely what they wanted in the first place. She gave me two choices: I resign or I go through Performance Improvement Program, which would be nasty. I quickly came to the conclusion: there is no point in staying in this organization anymore. Whatever remaining respect or obligation I had towards my manager immediately vanished.  

He had to be prompted by HR VP to talk. And he only said three things that I could remember throughout the entire 20-minute conversation:

1. I don't think you can help me succeed in my future plans

2. Thank you for the help you gave me initially when I first joined

3. I will not be here during your last day because I'll be going to Saudi Arabia, but Gert will be here

HR Head ran through the HR things and asked me if I had confidence to land a new job. Because I have always been looking out at what's in the market, I could immediately say yes. "It's easier for you to find a new job than for old fogeys like us," she tried to reason, as if that is supposed to make me feel better.

She asked if I had anything else to add and told me to take the next couple of days off without applying for leave. I saw someone pinging me on my laptop and just said, okay I gotta go, someone is looking for me. And the meeting ended just like that. 

While trying to connect to the person who uncannily gave me an excuse to end the meeting, I felt a burning anger gathering in my stomach. My fury built on the entire journey home. I held my tears in until I recounted everything to my husband. I started bawling and stopped, repeating the cycle a few times while my husband tried to comfort me.

THE AFTERMATH

I couldn't sleep that night, my mind rehashing what happened over and over. I became a zombie the next day and I didn't want to eat or do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I let the Katseye documentary played the entire day while moping around, self-consoling. A part of me still clung on to that initial, open working relationship we had and tried to think from his POV. Maybe he was under pressure. Someone said something. It must be that. But it still didn't justify what he did and how he behaved.  

The good thing is, I get angry quick but I also think it out quick. So I came to the conclusion that this is for the better and everything happens for a reason. They were assholes, but I didn't do anything wrong. Sure I was losing motivation, but I tried to do all I could, nevertheless. 8 years is high time to leave, especially this fast-sinking ship. This was further validated by the counselor I spoke to and everyone who heard my story. I was determined to villainise him to the most possible extent. I feel hurt and I want to hurt him back. The news also upset a lot of my friends.

Letting people know the truth about what happened is my main goal now and I'm still mulling over to submit a report or not. I don't feel like I have to worry about my next job because God will provide and quite honestly I'm not sure I can muster the courage and mood yet to start applying. I did tell Mike my manager should walk around the black rock a few more times when he goes there and pray bloody hard to his powerless god that this doesn't bite him back in the ass.

Looking back at the 2+ years with him, I'm not sure I learned anything from my manager, except perhaps, what the face of a coward looks like. 

So here I am, having to confront these again, after trying to ignore them and drown them with distractions. 

My therapist surmised my uncontrollable emotions over Andrew's retrenchment in two factors: 1. Unresolved grief and 2. Loss of control.

He also suggested to start journalling to make sense of it all.

Well that's it isn't it, I didn't want to think about it. But it's messing with my insides and now I can't control what's outside.

Control. Why do I feel like I need to hang onto this, when I thought I've already let it go? 

 

 I dreamt of my mother again, vividly. And of course, I woke up with my eyes already a watery blur. It was probably around 5 in the morning. I was trying to keep it down but my husband with his light sleeper's supersonic ears heard me sniffling. And then I sobbed harder when he tried to comfort me. Later in the morning he said, 'I heard your breathing become shallow and was wondering what happened.' 

I realised when I have vivid dreams of her, it was mostly my confused brain trying to make sense of it all. 

The scene I remembered before I woke was of my brother and youngest sister still as a child and toddler respectively. The three of us were hugging her (my other sister was somehow not in the scene) and it was very vivid because she felt warm. She was wearing an all white tshirt dress. (Later I discovered it was because I was wrapped up in my blanket steaming away like a piece of meat in a bun.)

We didn't say anything while hugging her and she suddenly asked "Why, what happened?" As if she didn't know what would happen to her and that only the three of us knew her future. Tears were already streaming down my face when I told her, "You won't see us grow up." 

And that was when my brain tried to reason, we've already grown up before she passed. This dream didn't make sense. Then again, since when do they make sense? I later surmised that my brain meant, 'You won't be with us to see through the rest of our lives, grandkids or marriages and all'.    

I was trying to calm down in the dark, frantically trying to conjure memories of my mum and I, and coming up with nothing. 

In my small finite human brain, I even tried to compare it to the time when the infinite God had to turn away from Jesus as he was being crucified on the cross because of all the sin in the world. I was thinking bitterly to myself, You only had to turn away for a few hours, while I have to wait till I get to go Home to see her again and who knows how long that may be. It looked very unfair.

But I guess it was the Holy Spirit who reasoned with me later on, that given the relationship that God has with Jesus, even a few hours apart, disconnected, is more than unbearable. But it had to be done, so that we would have the promise of going back to our eternal Home. So that God wouldn't look at us repulsively like He had when Jesus bore our sins. Finally I heard a quiet whisper in my mind, 'I was sad too.' 

I think He meant the time when Jesus had to die, and then the time my mum died. But the plus is that both got to be resurrected. Death is a temporary separation and pastor said it had no sting for those who believe in Christ. I never understood that until he explained what it meant. 

He believed that just before Christians physically die, they get 'whisked' away to heaven. I'd like to believe that too, though I would never really know when that moment was for my mum. The day my grandmother died felt like the day she died too. I didn't have even space to grieve for Grandma because we were all cried out for my mum. 

I remind myself that the wait here on earth is but a passing breath compared to eternity being Home with people we won't see momentarily. But while we wait it out, we have to pick ourselves up and carry on with whomever is still here, no matter how long we've got. 

My mum and grandma are waiting for us at the finish line.  

 

Do people still blog? I guess maybe they've moved on to different platforms, what with the World Wide Web expanding everyday. But a blog post can be so long on Instagram and FB, where people's attention spans have shortened to a pitiful few seconds thanks to the never ending downward scroll.

I'm here again because I chanced upon an article that told me to check what came up if people Googled me. I did and I was shocked to see a 19 year old me complete with the bunny teeth and ever round face with frizzy hair pop up, right beside my professionally taken one back when I first started working in my current company.

What a difference. (Maybe my face is still round.)

What's more shocking is that I didn't expect that my old friend posted it - without telling us..PDPA yo. I clicked to read the post, it was an introduction of his classmates. The photos were taken during a photo shoot of us individually and I had edited a version to include all of it to become one class photo, effectively slimming Yang down exaggeratedly in the process. I loved my poly classmates. I struggled like hell to get through my stupid diploma but if not for them, I would have dropped out and gone to art school.  

I say old friend..But then again we're not even on talking terms..maybe he doesn't even consider me as a friend anymore. I wish I could change that. Wish I could tell him how sorry I was for all the stupid things the 19 year old me had said. Or that it pained me as much that we had to lose our friendship, the way we lost it. I wish I knew what I could have done to keep it without you wanting more from me. But I wasn't mature enough, I didn't know how to handle it.

I know we've all moved on but I think about it from time to time. Because it remains a time when there was great hurt. I've heard of how it distorted your view of Christians and now that I have learned much more about how we're supposed to treat others, I wish I had acted better.  It was stupid of me to have been so proud (of what? Ignorance?) and every time someone mentioned you, there would be this sad sense of loss.

I don't know if you even care and I don't even know what else to say to you that would make up for it but, I'm so sorry Ced. I have always been.

  

 

I wonder why God thinks we were ready to let her go.

We numb ourselves to fill the hole we cannot hope to fill with countless TV series and movies. Short of constant quarreling, we retreat into our solitude of hopeless frustration, deep grief and a quiet despair.

Work has become a chore instead of a welcome distraction. The lack of physical human interaction has drained me of motivation - so I busy myself with household chores instead. Those don't require thinking and working with my hands gives me a small sense of respite.

Maybe I'm taking the mantle of being the caretaker too hard. Maybe it's not even mine to take.
We know something is wrong; we don't want to rock the boat because we don't know how to fix the impending capsize. Instead we try to work on things that we know works. I'm glad that despite our differences, my siblings and I still have that bond when we play together.

These days I find myself thinking reminders to breathe and breathe deeply. I'm thinking the air in heaven must be so sweet and nice to breathe in.


Lock down days are quieter but my heart finds it difficult to be stilled. On sleepless nights I pray myself to sleep and wake with same sense of numbness. 

After our conversation/ argument, I just felt like torching all the books on interior design that I just borrowed from the library. Except I can't, because then I'd have to pay it back.

Only marry when we have career stability..?  What about entrepreneurs, do they have career stability, especially when they first start out? Yet they still have families and all.

When's a right time for marriage anyway? I thought 3 years was long enough. (Long enough for the fizzies and love-tinted glasses before they broke anyway.) Technically I wasn't really waiting waiting I guess. After all, I was also looking for 'career stability'.

Turns out we were both crumbling under different pressures and not a team at all. He feels pressured to do the wedding and house, concerned largely of the costs, while I feel pressured that I want to keep things moving. Things to do just keep coming. And I keep feeling like we don't have enough time.

I dunno, I just think, when can we ever start living our 2 people world again? I haven't felt that in a long time. Yet I also can't think of being stuck with someone for a long time. So hard to be a romantic. Girls always feel like guys don't put in enough effort, guys always think girls are demanding. Then why did they even get together? I think I'm starting to understand why people rather pretend to be dogs or dragons, than humans, cos it's just simpler that way.

I feel like we're leading such separate lives, that only handling this wedding and house thing is the only common thing we have. It's also something we always fight about, ironically. Might as well don't marry. Now it feels like I'm just getting married for the sake of achieving some life goal or fulfilling some duty. I don't think I can get married life anymore.

Unearthing more than just the couch, I think it was more heartbreaking to know that he felt forced into marrying me. Thinking back all those things he said, "I can't wait to marry you", just feels disgusting now.


I put him on mute and wished I can go for a smoke.



whatever man, i don't even feel like buying a fking couch with you anymore.

Actually I'm afraid of how I'd look at you on our first night. What will you see from my eyes?

Will it be fear? 

Or disappointment?

I've been hiding both and keeping it to myself because I don't know if it was my problem. Maybe my expectations are too high.

The only thing I can be grateful to you for is that you stuck to me during difficult times.

I had so many ideas for the thank you speech but now I struggle to even pen a word.

I keep reminding myself that I'm not better than anyone but sometimes it's hard.

I think my mum not making it rattled everyone and they were changed in some way. For me, I wished she was around to mentor me. Maybe she wouldn't have been the best mentor given her closed nature but at least I could ask her what to do and she could nag at me. Now I won't have that anymore.

Sometimes I'd look at her pictures and think she was so pretty. She must be this pretty in heaven now. How I miss her. I cannot imagine the hole it tore in my dad. He still cries pretty hard. 

From the time I came back from the compassionate leave I threw myself into work, or rather, there was a surge of workload, and I put my grief aside, partly relieved that I had something to distract me.

It felt productive, it felt like I was moving on and going somewhere. But some days when my mind has time to wander and I allow myself to think of her, it'd creep up on me, remembering how she suffered and how we all suffered together, her pain, watching her, taking care of her until it was just taking care of a body. I think it's a trauma that will take very long to heal. 


And now with Nick gone and Gert wanting to push me up at this point in life..it just seems like too much. Until I started treating J like some slot machine. And the kind of excitement to hear from or see him just disappeared.

People ask me if I was excited about the wedding or about the house. I'm not. Both feel like burdens to me. Initially I guess I was..heck, I wanted one in the first year of our dating, being so excited. But on hindsight I could have had a lot more doubts about having married him if we did so.

I looked back to my blog posts from 3 years ago and it feels as if a different person wrote it.
It's in the same style, same words, but the feelings that come from it were so different. I guess that's what they called puppy love, until harsh reality sets in.

Reality is I can't get my 'dream' wedding or 'dream' house..(House is really a modest 4 room resale which we liked) but the reno will cost a bomb, destroying the 'dream' part for the house. Oh well. I must be content that I will even have one, even if it will start out simple. It's okay, I tell myself.




I'm not okay. But that's okay.

Oh how many times have I started a sentence on this page, in my head, only to squash it and distract myself with other things instead.

Blogging, reflecting? It can wait. Open Instagram, open a game, read a book, Netflix, whatever, is enough to keep me busy.

We don't have to dig deep, we don't have to contemplate why we feel the way we do. And praying is only talking to myself in my own head.

I hear from my friend, they wished they were not human, that being a human being is difficult.

I think to myself, I think being a Christian is sometimes more difficult. Some people agree, saying that they don't want to tie themselves down to any 'rules' but I think the 'rules' are only the easy part. Don't do this, do this etc..

The difficult thing is "do this when you don't feel like doing it". "Do that even though you can't see it." "Believe." "This is faith." That's what is difficult isn't it. "Don't judge others, because you will be judge the same way." Having to keep this a conscious thought everyday is tough. Knowing that people are watching how you behave, what you say, is stressful sometimes.

Maybe let's make a list of burdens, starting with the basic things. Since I'm at work writing this..

1. Lack of work satisfaction

These days my 'work satisfaction' comes from making a pretty poster or other ad hoc for the HR team. Sometimes I think maybe it's not really in my job scope, but I don't mind doing it cos there's not much to do anyway. Sadly this shouldn't be my main job scope but reality is our organisation is still in a mess without any direction I don't like it when there's nothing to work towards.

2. Lack of job security

Other people can get converted from contract to perm within months/ after probation..me? After 1.5 years my job is still dangling in the air. It's not really a pressing matter for me after all I believe God will have my next job waiting anyway, but still. With the wedding and house in the timeline, the uncertainty is a burden.

3. When can we get a house?

Indeed when and where? I keep feeling like we don't have the luxury of time for settling down. And that houses are so expensive now, plus the stupid rules we have, we won't be able to afford to move/ upgrade in future. We still have a bit of time before the wedding but I wish we can settle this uncertainty soon. Also so I can start moving all my shit there.

4. Future In-Laws

Currently its like a love-hate situation with them, personally for me. Love- they're supportive towards me and my family and love to encourage esp because of my mum's situation. Hate- they're divisive within their own family and love to preach at the dinner table. Haha. The irony. I've taken to making fun of it to J, by annoying him with 'Bible say cannot like that you know' or 'This is not biblical!' because those are his mother's favourite phrases. I'm waiting for the chance to use it on her and am holding back to as much as I can. At least, till after the wedding.

But I really hate the way they treat it each other and sometimes I want to have nothing to do with them. How does a family become SO two-faced and then call themselves Christians? I cannot understand. J can understand why they behave the way they do because he grew up in that warped family, and really it's a miracle that he's not like them at all, but sometimes I'm not sure I want to accept this burdensome group of people.


5. Grandparents

Up until recently, these two people have always been a burden I could put off far away. They are people I recognise on the outside but sometimes the things that they say, they might as well be strangers to me. They are just so different from the people I used to know, a shadow of those healthier, younger, happier times. My grandfather says shocking things about how he wished they were both dead, yet can still tell me how we as Christians should behave. I think even animals have more love for their mate than this stubborn, bible-thumping-but-not-practicing 'Christian'.

The illusion hiding who they really are shattered as my grandma's cancer progressed and their ugly sides revealed themselves. I try to be as amicable as I can to my grandfather, though I avoid talking to talk to him. They're just talking nonsense anyway. Will I regret this? I reason that it's better off for me remembering the good times and treat this as a different person instead.


6. Mum

At the back of my mind, I know we should do more but I just can't bring myself to. I want to continue my life as normal, because normal is already such a burden (refer to point 1-5). It still hasn't sunk in that my mum might only really have 6 months left with us, and dad is trying all he can/ he read to help her. But it's frustrating that sometimes it seems like she doesn't want to help herself.

It's conflicting. Dad has all the sense of urgency but the sick person doesn't. And I am left in the middle, because we can't force her to take what she doesn't want, and he just wants to push her (and us) to. I think in the face of adversity, I follow after mum, who, is now an emerging pessimist. In fact I think we got this all from my grandfather, who is a seriously sarcastic person.

I don't know what's the point of asking how she feels everyday, because it's not like flu where you feel like shit for a few days but you will feel significantly better after a few days of bed rest after the flu has run its course. Every day will be a bad day and it will only be 'badder'. There is no end for the horrible monster growing in my mum, at least not the end where people come out of it alive anyway. But we must keep hoping right? More incredible cases have withstood the overwhelming odds of surviving..so this should be easy right? J says we have to celebrate the small things and yea, now we have to celebrate her successfully doing the big one in the toilet because we had a worrying time when she couldn't for a few days.

It's a waiting game, but I don't know if we are in denial or having faith, or both. The line is kinda blurred to me. And my fear is, what if we have faith, and we hold onto God's promises that she will be healed, or pastor's reassurance that she will live to see her children's children, but it's not God's will that my mum will overcome this? What then..? And if we don't have enough faith? How much is enough? If we don't have enough, then is it our fault? So in that case, we will never measure up right?

Of course we cannot possibly imagine why God, since he is said to be good, wouldn't allow my mum to live..but we are supposed to believe that despite the pain we are to expect hope anyway. God is sovereign, God has a plan, God will bring something good out of all this..trust God! they say.

I'm still waiting to see exactly what is this faithfulness of God that everyone is talking about. Do we have to do something to get it? Cos it feels like a transactional thing: you gotta pray you gotta read the bible, I gotta do my part before God will do his part etc. I know all the textbook answers in my mind, but maybe now its time to see if this works. Yet there seems to be conditions; you have to do it right or else...see, I dunno, even this is an uncertainty. I don't know what to look forward to anymore.

Maybe this is the 'bringing the us to the end of ourselves' to let us draw 'closer to God' part. But if my mum doesn't make it, it would feel like the world's biggest betrayal and I wouldn't be able to tell what is a lie anymore.


7. The Wedding

I don't particularly care for this event, even though the whole world says I should. This is just another event to plan to me and I want to quickly get this over and done with because it is impossible to do it the way I wanted. It's not in the venue I wanted. We don't have the resources to do it elsewhere. So why put so much effort or hype into it? I'm just working with what I have.

What stupid dress, what floral arrangements..dude, I don't give a shit because we're too broke to and I think that's actually a good thing. Partly I know, I know that I'm having this attitude to spite my extravagant, money-burning MIL. She has very kindly offered to pay for the catering and the floral arrangements, though my initial reaction is HELL NO. J insisted there are no strings attached but I still can't rest easy, thinking that this kind offer will bite me back in the butt later down the road. I will have to dissuade him from accepting too much from her. Leave and cleave after all. I don't know if the poor boy is capable of doing it. The mum seems to have a tight hold on him - only son and youngest one after all.

Good thing event planning comes relatively easy to me so I can do this without using too much brain power when I'm on a roll.

I've already gone as far as to do the decorations myself and skip a lot of unnecessary stuff. I planned 99.9% of it. The only question is whether we should postpone this earlier.


8. J himself

Sometimes I feel all he cares about is his business, which yea, we're both proud of, and yet a little frustrating to me. I know it takes up a lot of his time, and really, the success so far is something to be thankful for at least, but at the back of my mind, it annoys me that the money used and time taken is for the wedding/house.

I have to tell my stupid self that:
a) it's his money through and through
b) he's doing something he likes and enjoys it
c) he's doing it for us
d) it's not like I have any contribution towards it
e) heck I can't even save as much money

Sometimes I have doubts that he knows what he's doing and I get ticked off when he forgets appointments. Because he can remember when to meet customers but he can't remember when we are having dinner with who. Is it so difficult? If so, there must be a way to improve on this right? That's me for you I guess. A problem always has a solution, especially with one as simple as this. Things like this cannot activate my empathy, and only incurs my wrath.

All the activities he can suggest doing I can count on my fingers: Netflixing, catching a movie in the cinema, walking around in town, eating the usual things we like.....................

Yea that's it. That's IT.

Everything else, I have to initiate. And it's usually errands. I mean, if you find me cold, can you blame me? Because we only do 4 things. Outside of which, are my own things. We haven't had a date night since forever. And even if we do, I'm pretty sure there's nothing much to look forward to. Not that anything can surprise me.


9. Myself

This post isn't about ranting about other people and how I feel they have wronged me. It's just to reflect the influence of these people and how I feel about them.

It seems time has come to a standstill and I lack the motivation and inspiration to create. To paint. To decorate my glass bottles or make the wedding decor. (But still got motivation to browse Taobao at least) Sometimes I struggle with selfishness, to withdraw to myself and not communicate with J or care about his feelings. Because I feel like he can't do anything to make me feel better. He can't say what I want to hear.

Just a short while ago I aspired to want to do more and go further at work but now I don't anymore. All the books I read, goes in one side and comes out another. I think I need to re-read a few times before they can all sink in. But my head already feels like bursting.

Each day just goes on in its monotony, and it feels like we're just waiting for something to happen with bated breath. I let dreams die because I don't think there's a place for them in my life when I feel like I can't even plan ahead. Past few months I've had quite a bit of nightmares and mental smoking sessions. The most recent nightmare is still lingering in my head even after 2 days, I can still smell the black tar; that's how vivid it was. Maybe this is a form of mild depression. I still feel like I have a lot to fix about myself. Such as saying the past 2262 words aloud to someone.

Since young I channeled my emotions into writing because I've had to suppress them - that's why I find it so hard to verbalise my feelings and frustrations without bursting into tears. It's easier to write it out. I keep thinking of another Day of Prayer.....



End notes:
I think J is right. For someone whose top strength is adaptability, I can't stand uncertainty at all. It opens the can of worms, each asking, who am I? What am I good with if I can't even adapt to this? Maybe I shouldn't be defined by that because people change. I think I can't be as adaptable anymore without feeling as carefree as I used to, because of these burdens.

Hello blog.


Many things have happened in a blur for the past 3 weeks since I started my new job. I feel like my 'holiday' was eons ago, or that I never had it. But the fact is, 4 months has passed. I was a little conflicted between getting what I asked for, everything that I asked for, and now that I have it, it seems too much for me. I fear I might have bitten more than I can chew, and that I'm not ready to handle so much yet.


But my parents tell me to rise up to the challenge, to learn new ways of handling the stress. After 4 months of mostly inactivity and playing victim, my brain struggles to get the cogs in order to work again, albeit with a bit of rust. But everything comes to me quickly; getting into the pace, knowing what to do, I eventually picked it up.


I have much to learn. I have much to reflect upon.


I thank God for it. I thank God for the miracles that I didn't expect. And when I do, He is there at it again.




So I expect He will do many more miracles in my life. I must remember it. I must remember that He will help me fight the forces pulling me in other directions.

Feelings change. But how to change a sense of being?

Stopping work only made me more acutely aware of the weight. Having fun only distracted me from it.

I prayed a lot. Am I not praying right? Then why don't you tell me anything? I'm trying hard not to be angry, but it's hard.

I wake up feeling frustrated everyday. I get no sense of motivation or purpose. I don't even feel encouraged to do anything. I just want to tune everyone and everything out.

I already told you I don't know what to do, but I feel like you're not doing what you promised.

First, regret. It felt really good to scratch; though part of my before-sleep ritual, I also suspect that the 'shiokness' of it made me fall asleep easier.

During the night however, I have no control. Sometimes I sleep right through and wake up with some wounds or none. Sometimes I consciously wake, finding my hands busy, scratching away.

The next morning, I'm afraid to look at the damage done. I procrastinate to get out of bed for hours, and when I do, I don't look at it until I've washed up. Then I clean the wounds.

Sometimes I think they call it 'weeping eczema' because we damage our skin so much that it literally sheds 'tears' for mercy. But it's not that we WANT to hurt it. The itch receptors are just a bitch..a lot.

I dunno when I will see the light at the end of this tunnel. Sometimes it does get to me. And I feel like looking around for something or someone to blame.

The bf's been exceptionally supportive and comforting but that's not really what I need. I need my life to go back to normal again.

Oh my, 3 months have passed so fast! Well, I was mostly busy with the annual report, and submitting my resignation letter. After 2 years of being micromanaged and bogged by stupid admin work, I've decided that it's enough. 

How do I tell you that I've already seen you when you're 50, even if it's 20 years from now?












How do I verbalise and condense what I feel when I look into your eyes?










I can't. There's just no structure, no reason.

He heard an angel sing. With her voice as clear as sweet bells, he sat mesmerized.

When she laughed, it was like pleasant wind chimes in the wind.

Her almond-shaped eyes were bright and inquisitive, and they looked at him with something akin to adoration. He decided he could drown in them.

He couldn't stop looking back at her, studying her features and committing it to memory. He'd run his fingers over them, noting every contour and softness.

He wished time would stop in this moment with her and they wouldn't have anything to worry about.

At the back of his mind, still struggling with the fact that this beautiful and intelligent creature was somehow his, he wondered if this was what they called love.

The seemingly simple act of getting out of bed, washing your face and brushing your teeth should have been the easiest thing one can do to start the day. 

But that was not the case for me. I think I was in the worst place I've ever been in my life - and that is saying something coming from someone who went through steroid withdrawal at least 2 times. 

The knowledge of having brushed my teeth always made me feel more human, maybe because of the peppermint to wake up the senses?

I didn't know it could be this bad. I didn't know I could wait till 5pm or 6pm to eat my first meal or drink my first cup of water for the day. I didn't know my phone battery would allow me to scroll IG for 4 straight hours and still have 20% battery. What I do know is that it was self-destructive behaviour, but I didn't have motivation to do anything at all.   

But what else could I have done, after facing the biggest betrayal in my life? I don't think he can even comprehend the hurt..and I shouldn't but I hope he burns in hell..

I hope he will experience the same kind of hurt I did. 

It started with an announcement that we had to move our desks just so he could have 'more privacy'. 

I looked at him, the information already making me uncomfortable for some unexplainable reason. We work in an open concept office and wanting more privacy made sense. On the other hand, we also have meeting rooms and phone booths. So just moving to next to a wall would provide more privacy..? Also, I hated that we would be further away from the toilet and exit. What if I had an stomach emergency? That was always my fear, because it happened in my previous company.

Nevertheless, I kept my comments to myself and grudgingly complied. I packed my things, said goodbye to my neighbours and settled into the new space. The tradeoff for his supposed privacy was a desk in more crowded section for me; my new neighbour had a tendency to shout his 'Hellos' into the mic. "We are a noisy bunch here," said another new neighbour, trying to break the ice. I smiled weakly at her, not knowing what to say.    

RED FLAG 2

Before I left for my two-week holiday, he had proposed a new additional job scope and said he would do up the official job description when I was back. He asked about my health and I said it's better now and I appreciate him understanding my condition, especially the optics when I walk into the office late. I ended with telling him I will commit to the new scope and to give me feedback on my work.

Two weeks flew by and I accepted a meeting invite he sent me to go through the new job description upon my return. Going into the meeting room, I was surprised that the Head of HR was already sitting there. Her name was not on the meeting invite. 

"Do you know why I'm here?" she asked with a smile.

"No?" I looked at him but he only stared back blankly and almost shrugged.

She went on the explain the implication of accepting the new additional scope in the job description, "should I choose to accept the mission". My performance would be rated on the new scope and if I did not do well, it would affect my performance review. 

I looked through the long list of items and my brows furrowed, scrutinising at the detail of the document. I've never seen a job description that had so many numbers of deliverables; usually it would be a gist of the task, not the actual task itself. It even had a line saying "To report to office not later than 9.30am" to boot. 

"Are you okay with it? Do you think you'd be able to do it?" she asked. 

"I need some time to digest this and look through it. There's a lot that's new and I feel overwhelmed," I replied. "I haven't done them before but I'm willing to try and learn new things," I added, reemphasizing on my willingness to accept change.

The Head assured me that I would be shown the ropes of course, but eventually I would be expected to do the work on my own. I nodded my head, agreeing. That made sense. "Give me a day or two to look it through, I want to think about it," I told them, not wanting to jump into the water without knowing the temperature. "I think it is also too detailed for a job description." The Head agreed that we would extract specific KPIs from the job description and put those into the performance rating system where it should be. And I submitted the document with my signature on it, agreeing to start the new scope with 6 KPIs set from June to August.

I didn't like that he invited HR into the meeting without telling me first, but I had thought it was just because HR is typically involved in these 'dealings'. But did it have to be the most senior HR person?? Maybe it was the ease of doing business with her that he asked her, perhaps. She was direct to the point and I've always had a positive image of her. I filed that annoying feeling away, looking forward to get started with the new scope instead. 

RED FLAG 3

He fell ill and took a few days off. Then his wife's grandfather died and he extended his absence a week more. HR came to ask me what happened to him. His biggest stakeholder also wanted to know why he wasn't in the office recently. I told them what I knew and pinged him to ask if he was okay, along with some questions on work but he just answered my question about work.

I thought it was odd he didn't answer my question on whether he's okay- when his uncle died he had plenty to say. This was a stark contrast.

MORE RED FLAGS

After completing my first foray into the new scope, in the following weeks I sent feelers to check if he had other work for me. "Do you need help with anything?" There was no definitive reply and nothing came my way. "Do you want to have team lunch?" I asked several times and it was brushed off with excuses of appointments or meetings. I gave up asking and decided it wasn't my job to bring the team together to build better relations. But I felt responsible for the latest intern and didn't want to leave her alone.

Two months after our latest intern joined the team, we finally had our team meeting together, in person.  I was amazed it took this long. Since I worked from home on Mondays, I usually joined online and the previous intern and he would dial in from a meeting room. We would call with our cameras on and we would always run out of time to discuss every item on our planner. 

But now he seemed as though he was in a hurry to get to another "meeting". Every item was met with brusque questions or comments and the meeting was hurried through. Nothing much new was added and at one point, I felt like he was trying to make himself seem very busy. More questions were circling my head, but it no longer felt safe to ask them anymore. 

And so I continued my work while waiting to hear from him. There were scraps that he'd direct to me and I'd complete them in a jiffy. Did this task count as part of the KPI? I would wonder. There was no feedback or acknowledgement or thanks. I tried to include him in the ongoing tasks I was working on, especially the time I drafted an article on my personal experience. 

I knew it was a good piece which made my stakeholder very happy but there was no response from him at all. I was not looking for praise, but there wasn't even an acknowledgement when in the past, there would have been. It was as if the things I did for my job didn't count at all, unless if it was related to the new scope. But I couldn't tell what belonged to the new scope at all!

THE LAST STRAW

July rolled around and it was a lull period as Denmark was on vacation. I was tired of being bored and running out of things to do. We hardly spoke and when we did, I always felt like I was being brushed off. I felt the chasm widening and a building sense of quiet frustration. I couldn't understand why he was behaving this way - it was like a 180 degree change. Did I do or say something wrong? Why won't he talk to me anymore? When did this start? Why does it feel like he's a totally different person now??

I was very annoyed, but I didn't forget the timeline of when to complete my list of KPIs; I've completed 3 out of 6 but the remaining 3 were all related to the new scope that I had not started on. "Can you let me know if I'm on the right track and tell me how/where to start?" I finally wrote him, and left for the weekend. 

He sent me a meeting invite on the following Thursday evening with the very ominous title "Catch up". I accepted it, telling my husband maybe this is the meeting where he tells me to resign. I prayed and asked for wisdom for whatever conversation we will have.

My hunch was right, except the words didn't even come from his own mouth. And guess who showed up at the meeting? Yes, it's the uninvited HR Head again.

"Do you know why I'm here? Normally if I show up with a piece of paper, people will hate me already," she started. I had no idea what she was talking about and was still wondering why she was in a meeting that I wanted to have just with my manager. My face must have had a thousand questions.

She asked me how I was coping with the new job scope. "I feel like I barely did anything on it," I said. The rest of it became a blur. "I am quite reactive," I admitted and also thinking to myself, but I was super busy with internal comms to start on the new scope. "We need someone who can plug and play," she concluded.

Throughout the meeting, while listening to her, two observations were forming in my head: #1, she was the only one talking, not him. #2, there is no point to argue or defend myself because this was likely what they wanted in the first place. She gave me two choices: I resign or I go through Performance Improvement Program, which would be nasty. I quickly came to the conclusion: there is no point in staying in this organization anymore. Whatever remaining respect or obligation I had towards my manager immediately vanished.  

He had to be prompted by HR VP to talk. And he only said three things that I could remember throughout the entire 20-minute conversation:

1. I don't think you can help me succeed in my future plans

2. Thank you for the help you gave me initially when I first joined

3. I will not be here during your last day because I'll be going to Saudi Arabia, but Gert will be here

HR Head ran through the HR things and asked me if I had confidence to land a new job. Because I have always been looking out at what's in the market, I could immediately say yes. "It's easier for you to find a new job than for old fogeys like us," she tried to reason, as if that is supposed to make me feel better.

She asked if I had anything else to add and told me to take the next couple of days off without applying for leave. I saw someone pinging me on my laptop and just said, okay I gotta go, someone is looking for me. And the meeting ended just like that. 

While trying to connect to the person who uncannily gave me an excuse to end the meeting, I felt a burning anger gathering in my stomach. My fury built on the entire journey home. I held my tears in until I recounted everything to my husband. I started bawling and stopped, repeating the cycle a few times while my husband tried to comfort me.

THE AFTERMATH

I couldn't sleep that night, my mind rehashing what happened over and over. I became a zombie the next day and I didn't want to eat or do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I let the Katseye documentary played the entire day while moping around, self-consoling. A part of me still clung on to that initial, open working relationship we had and tried to think from his POV. Maybe he was under pressure. Someone said something. It must be that. But it still didn't justify what he did and how he behaved.  

The good thing is, I get angry quick but I also think it out quick. So I came to the conclusion that this is for the better and everything happens for a reason. They were assholes, but I didn't do anything wrong. Sure I was losing motivation, but I tried to do all I could, nevertheless. 8 years is high time to leave, especially this fast-sinking ship. This was further validated by the counselor I spoke to and everyone who heard my story. I was determined to villainise him to the most possible extent. I feel hurt and I want to hurt him back. The news also upset a lot of my friends.

Letting people know the truth about what happened is my main goal now and I'm still mulling over to submit a report or not. I don't feel like I have to worry about my next job because God will provide and quite honestly I'm not sure I can muster the courage and mood yet to start applying. I did tell Mike my manager should walk around the black rock a few more times when he goes there and pray bloody hard to his powerless god that this doesn't bite him back in the ass.

Looking back at the 2+ years with him, I'm not sure I learned anything from my manager, except perhaps, what the face of a coward looks like. 

So here I am, having to confront these again, after trying to ignore them and drown them with distractions. 

My therapist surmised my uncontrollable emotions over Andrew's retrenchment in two factors: 1. Unresolved grief and 2. Loss of control.

He also suggested to start journalling to make sense of it all.

Well that's it isn't it, I didn't want to think about it. But it's messing with my insides and now I can't control what's outside.

Control. Why do I feel like I need to hang onto this, when I thought I've already let it go? 

 

 I dreamt of my mother again, vividly. And of course, I woke up with my eyes already a watery blur. It was probably around 5 in the morning. I was trying to keep it down but my husband with his light sleeper's supersonic ears heard me sniffling. And then I sobbed harder when he tried to comfort me. Later in the morning he said, 'I heard your breathing become shallow and was wondering what happened.' 

I realised when I have vivid dreams of her, it was mostly my confused brain trying to make sense of it all. 

The scene I remembered before I woke was of my brother and youngest sister still as a child and toddler respectively. The three of us were hugging her (my other sister was somehow not in the scene) and it was very vivid because she felt warm. She was wearing an all white tshirt dress. (Later I discovered it was because I was wrapped up in my blanket steaming away like a piece of meat in a bun.)

We didn't say anything while hugging her and she suddenly asked "Why, what happened?" As if she didn't know what would happen to her and that only the three of us knew her future. Tears were already streaming down my face when I told her, "You won't see us grow up." 

And that was when my brain tried to reason, we've already grown up before she passed. This dream didn't make sense. Then again, since when do they make sense? I later surmised that my brain meant, 'You won't be with us to see through the rest of our lives, grandkids or marriages and all'.    

I was trying to calm down in the dark, frantically trying to conjure memories of my mum and I, and coming up with nothing. 

In my small finite human brain, I even tried to compare it to the time when the infinite God had to turn away from Jesus as he was being crucified on the cross because of all the sin in the world. I was thinking bitterly to myself, You only had to turn away for a few hours, while I have to wait till I get to go Home to see her again and who knows how long that may be. It looked very unfair.

But I guess it was the Holy Spirit who reasoned with me later on, that given the relationship that God has with Jesus, even a few hours apart, disconnected, is more than unbearable. But it had to be done, so that we would have the promise of going back to our eternal Home. So that God wouldn't look at us repulsively like He had when Jesus bore our sins. Finally I heard a quiet whisper in my mind, 'I was sad too.' 

I think He meant the time when Jesus had to die, and then the time my mum died. But the plus is that both got to be resurrected. Death is a temporary separation and pastor said it had no sting for those who believe in Christ. I never understood that until he explained what it meant. 

He believed that just before Christians physically die, they get 'whisked' away to heaven. I'd like to believe that too, though I would never really know when that moment was for my mum. The day my grandmother died felt like the day she died too. I didn't have even space to grieve for Grandma because we were all cried out for my mum. 

I remind myself that the wait here on earth is but a passing breath compared to eternity being Home with people we won't see momentarily. But while we wait it out, we have to pick ourselves up and carry on with whomever is still here, no matter how long we've got. 

My mum and grandma are waiting for us at the finish line.  

 

Do people still blog? I guess maybe they've moved on to different platforms, what with the World Wide Web expanding everyday. But a blog post can be so long on Instagram and FB, where people's attention spans have shortened to a pitiful few seconds thanks to the never ending downward scroll.

I'm here again because I chanced upon an article that told me to check what came up if people Googled me. I did and I was shocked to see a 19 year old me complete with the bunny teeth and ever round face with frizzy hair pop up, right beside my professionally taken one back when I first started working in my current company.

What a difference. (Maybe my face is still round.)

What's more shocking is that I didn't expect that my old friend posted it - without telling us..PDPA yo. I clicked to read the post, it was an introduction of his classmates. The photos were taken during a photo shoot of us individually and I had edited a version to include all of it to become one class photo, effectively slimming Yang down exaggeratedly in the process. I loved my poly classmates. I struggled like hell to get through my stupid diploma but if not for them, I would have dropped out and gone to art school.  

I say old friend..But then again we're not even on talking terms..maybe he doesn't even consider me as a friend anymore. I wish I could change that. Wish I could tell him how sorry I was for all the stupid things the 19 year old me had said. Or that it pained me as much that we had to lose our friendship, the way we lost it. I wish I knew what I could have done to keep it without you wanting more from me. But I wasn't mature enough, I didn't know how to handle it.

I know we've all moved on but I think about it from time to time. Because it remains a time when there was great hurt. I've heard of how it distorted your view of Christians and now that I have learned much more about how we're supposed to treat others, I wish I had acted better.  It was stupid of me to have been so proud (of what? Ignorance?) and every time someone mentioned you, there would be this sad sense of loss.

I don't know if you even care and I don't even know what else to say to you that would make up for it but, I'm so sorry Ced. I have always been.

  

 

I wonder why God thinks we were ready to let her go.

We numb ourselves to fill the hole we cannot hope to fill with countless TV series and movies. Short of constant quarreling, we retreat into our solitude of hopeless frustration, deep grief and a quiet despair.

Work has become a chore instead of a welcome distraction. The lack of physical human interaction has drained me of motivation - so I busy myself with household chores instead. Those don't require thinking and working with my hands gives me a small sense of respite.

Maybe I'm taking the mantle of being the caretaker too hard. Maybe it's not even mine to take.
We know something is wrong; we don't want to rock the boat because we don't know how to fix the impending capsize. Instead we try to work on things that we know works. I'm glad that despite our differences, my siblings and I still have that bond when we play together.

These days I find myself thinking reminders to breathe and breathe deeply. I'm thinking the air in heaven must be so sweet and nice to breathe in.


Lock down days are quieter but my heart finds it difficult to be stilled. On sleepless nights I pray myself to sleep and wake with same sense of numbness. 

After our conversation/ argument, I just felt like torching all the books on interior design that I just borrowed from the library. Except I can't, because then I'd have to pay it back.

Only marry when we have career stability..?  What about entrepreneurs, do they have career stability, especially when they first start out? Yet they still have families and all.

When's a right time for marriage anyway? I thought 3 years was long enough. (Long enough for the fizzies and love-tinted glasses before they broke anyway.) Technically I wasn't really waiting waiting I guess. After all, I was also looking for 'career stability'.

Turns out we were both crumbling under different pressures and not a team at all. He feels pressured to do the wedding and house, concerned largely of the costs, while I feel pressured that I want to keep things moving. Things to do just keep coming. And I keep feeling like we don't have enough time.

I dunno, I just think, when can we ever start living our 2 people world again? I haven't felt that in a long time. Yet I also can't think of being stuck with someone for a long time. So hard to be a romantic. Girls always feel like guys don't put in enough effort, guys always think girls are demanding. Then why did they even get together? I think I'm starting to understand why people rather pretend to be dogs or dragons, than humans, cos it's just simpler that way.

I feel like we're leading such separate lives, that only handling this wedding and house thing is the only common thing we have. It's also something we always fight about, ironically. Might as well don't marry. Now it feels like I'm just getting married for the sake of achieving some life goal or fulfilling some duty. I don't think I can get married life anymore.

Unearthing more than just the couch, I think it was more heartbreaking to know that he felt forced into marrying me. Thinking back all those things he said, "I can't wait to marry you", just feels disgusting now.


I put him on mute and wished I can go for a smoke.



whatever man, i don't even feel like buying a fking couch with you anymore.

Actually I'm afraid of how I'd look at you on our first night. What will you see from my eyes?

Will it be fear? 

Or disappointment?

I've been hiding both and keeping it to myself because I don't know if it was my problem. Maybe my expectations are too high.

The only thing I can be grateful to you for is that you stuck to me during difficult times.

I had so many ideas for the thank you speech but now I struggle to even pen a word.

I keep reminding myself that I'm not better than anyone but sometimes it's hard.

I think my mum not making it rattled everyone and they were changed in some way. For me, I wished she was around to mentor me. Maybe she wouldn't have been the best mentor given her closed nature but at least I could ask her what to do and she could nag at me. Now I won't have that anymore.

Sometimes I'd look at her pictures and think she was so pretty. She must be this pretty in heaven now. How I miss her. I cannot imagine the hole it tore in my dad. He still cries pretty hard. 

From the time I came back from the compassionate leave I threw myself into work, or rather, there was a surge of workload, and I put my grief aside, partly relieved that I had something to distract me.

It felt productive, it felt like I was moving on and going somewhere. But some days when my mind has time to wander and I allow myself to think of her, it'd creep up on me, remembering how she suffered and how we all suffered together, her pain, watching her, taking care of her until it was just taking care of a body. I think it's a trauma that will take very long to heal. 


And now with Nick gone and Gert wanting to push me up at this point in life..it just seems like too much. Until I started treating J like some slot machine. And the kind of excitement to hear from or see him just disappeared.

People ask me if I was excited about the wedding or about the house. I'm not. Both feel like burdens to me. Initially I guess I was..heck, I wanted one in the first year of our dating, being so excited. But on hindsight I could have had a lot more doubts about having married him if we did so.

I looked back to my blog posts from 3 years ago and it feels as if a different person wrote it.
It's in the same style, same words, but the feelings that come from it were so different. I guess that's what they called puppy love, until harsh reality sets in.

Reality is I can't get my 'dream' wedding or 'dream' house..(House is really a modest 4 room resale which we liked) but the reno will cost a bomb, destroying the 'dream' part for the house. Oh well. I must be content that I will even have one, even if it will start out simple. It's okay, I tell myself.




I'm not okay. But that's okay.

Oh how many times have I started a sentence on this page, in my head, only to squash it and distract myself with other things instead.

Blogging, reflecting? It can wait. Open Instagram, open a game, read a book, Netflix, whatever, is enough to keep me busy.

We don't have to dig deep, we don't have to contemplate why we feel the way we do. And praying is only talking to myself in my own head.

I hear from my friend, they wished they were not human, that being a human being is difficult.

I think to myself, I think being a Christian is sometimes more difficult. Some people agree, saying that they don't want to tie themselves down to any 'rules' but I think the 'rules' are only the easy part. Don't do this, do this etc..

The difficult thing is "do this when you don't feel like doing it". "Do that even though you can't see it." "Believe." "This is faith." That's what is difficult isn't it. "Don't judge others, because you will be judge the same way." Having to keep this a conscious thought everyday is tough. Knowing that people are watching how you behave, what you say, is stressful sometimes.

Maybe let's make a list of burdens, starting with the basic things. Since I'm at work writing this..

1. Lack of work satisfaction

These days my 'work satisfaction' comes from making a pretty poster or other ad hoc for the HR team. Sometimes I think maybe it's not really in my job scope, but I don't mind doing it cos there's not much to do anyway. Sadly this shouldn't be my main job scope but reality is our organisation is still in a mess without any direction I don't like it when there's nothing to work towards.

2. Lack of job security

Other people can get converted from contract to perm within months/ after probation..me? After 1.5 years my job is still dangling in the air. It's not really a pressing matter for me after all I believe God will have my next job waiting anyway, but still. With the wedding and house in the timeline, the uncertainty is a burden.

3. When can we get a house?

Indeed when and where? I keep feeling like we don't have the luxury of time for settling down. And that houses are so expensive now, plus the stupid rules we have, we won't be able to afford to move/ upgrade in future. We still have a bit of time before the wedding but I wish we can settle this uncertainty soon. Also so I can start moving all my shit there.

4. Future In-Laws

Currently its like a love-hate situation with them, personally for me. Love- they're supportive towards me and my family and love to encourage esp because of my mum's situation. Hate- they're divisive within their own family and love to preach at the dinner table. Haha. The irony. I've taken to making fun of it to J, by annoying him with 'Bible say cannot like that you know' or 'This is not biblical!' because those are his mother's favourite phrases. I'm waiting for the chance to use it on her and am holding back to as much as I can. At least, till after the wedding.

But I really hate the way they treat it each other and sometimes I want to have nothing to do with them. How does a family become SO two-faced and then call themselves Christians? I cannot understand. J can understand why they behave the way they do because he grew up in that warped family, and really it's a miracle that he's not like them at all, but sometimes I'm not sure I want to accept this burdensome group of people.


5. Grandparents

Up until recently, these two people have always been a burden I could put off far away. They are people I recognise on the outside but sometimes the things that they say, they might as well be strangers to me. They are just so different from the people I used to know, a shadow of those healthier, younger, happier times. My grandfather says shocking things about how he wished they were both dead, yet can still tell me how we as Christians should behave. I think even animals have more love for their mate than this stubborn, bible-thumping-but-not-practicing 'Christian'.

The illusion hiding who they really are shattered as my grandma's cancer progressed and their ugly sides revealed themselves. I try to be as amicable as I can to my grandfather, though I avoid talking to talk to him. They're just talking nonsense anyway. Will I regret this? I reason that it's better off for me remembering the good times and treat this as a different person instead.


6. Mum

At the back of my mind, I know we should do more but I just can't bring myself to. I want to continue my life as normal, because normal is already such a burden (refer to point 1-5). It still hasn't sunk in that my mum might only really have 6 months left with us, and dad is trying all he can/ he read to help her. But it's frustrating that sometimes it seems like she doesn't want to help herself.

It's conflicting. Dad has all the sense of urgency but the sick person doesn't. And I am left in the middle, because we can't force her to take what she doesn't want, and he just wants to push her (and us) to. I think in the face of adversity, I follow after mum, who, is now an emerging pessimist. In fact I think we got this all from my grandfather, who is a seriously sarcastic person.

I don't know what's the point of asking how she feels everyday, because it's not like flu where you feel like shit for a few days but you will feel significantly better after a few days of bed rest after the flu has run its course. Every day will be a bad day and it will only be 'badder'. There is no end for the horrible monster growing in my mum, at least not the end where people come out of it alive anyway. But we must keep hoping right? More incredible cases have withstood the overwhelming odds of surviving..so this should be easy right? J says we have to celebrate the small things and yea, now we have to celebrate her successfully doing the big one in the toilet because we had a worrying time when she couldn't for a few days.

It's a waiting game, but I don't know if we are in denial or having faith, or both. The line is kinda blurred to me. And my fear is, what if we have faith, and we hold onto God's promises that she will be healed, or pastor's reassurance that she will live to see her children's children, but it's not God's will that my mum will overcome this? What then..? And if we don't have enough faith? How much is enough? If we don't have enough, then is it our fault? So in that case, we will never measure up right?

Of course we cannot possibly imagine why God, since he is said to be good, wouldn't allow my mum to live..but we are supposed to believe that despite the pain we are to expect hope anyway. God is sovereign, God has a plan, God will bring something good out of all this..trust God! they say.

I'm still waiting to see exactly what is this faithfulness of God that everyone is talking about. Do we have to do something to get it? Cos it feels like a transactional thing: you gotta pray you gotta read the bible, I gotta do my part before God will do his part etc. I know all the textbook answers in my mind, but maybe now its time to see if this works. Yet there seems to be conditions; you have to do it right or else...see, I dunno, even this is an uncertainty. I don't know what to look forward to anymore.

Maybe this is the 'bringing the us to the end of ourselves' to let us draw 'closer to God' part. But if my mum doesn't make it, it would feel like the world's biggest betrayal and I wouldn't be able to tell what is a lie anymore.


7. The Wedding

I don't particularly care for this event, even though the whole world says I should. This is just another event to plan to me and I want to quickly get this over and done with because it is impossible to do it the way I wanted. It's not in the venue I wanted. We don't have the resources to do it elsewhere. So why put so much effort or hype into it? I'm just working with what I have.

What stupid dress, what floral arrangements..dude, I don't give a shit because we're too broke to and I think that's actually a good thing. Partly I know, I know that I'm having this attitude to spite my extravagant, money-burning MIL. She has very kindly offered to pay for the catering and the floral arrangements, though my initial reaction is HELL NO. J insisted there are no strings attached but I still can't rest easy, thinking that this kind offer will bite me back in the butt later down the road. I will have to dissuade him from accepting too much from her. Leave and cleave after all. I don't know if the poor boy is capable of doing it. The mum seems to have a tight hold on him - only son and youngest one after all.

Good thing event planning comes relatively easy to me so I can do this without using too much brain power when I'm on a roll.

I've already gone as far as to do the decorations myself and skip a lot of unnecessary stuff. I planned 99.9% of it. The only question is whether we should postpone this earlier.


8. J himself

Sometimes I feel all he cares about is his business, which yea, we're both proud of, and yet a little frustrating to me. I know it takes up a lot of his time, and really, the success so far is something to be thankful for at least, but at the back of my mind, it annoys me that the money used and time taken is for the wedding/house.

I have to tell my stupid self that:
a) it's his money through and through
b) he's doing something he likes and enjoys it
c) he's doing it for us
d) it's not like I have any contribution towards it
e) heck I can't even save as much money

Sometimes I have doubts that he knows what he's doing and I get ticked off when he forgets appointments. Because he can remember when to meet customers but he can't remember when we are having dinner with who. Is it so difficult? If so, there must be a way to improve on this right? That's me for you I guess. A problem always has a solution, especially with one as simple as this. Things like this cannot activate my empathy, and only incurs my wrath.

All the activities he can suggest doing I can count on my fingers: Netflixing, catching a movie in the cinema, walking around in town, eating the usual things we like.....................

Yea that's it. That's IT.

Everything else, I have to initiate. And it's usually errands. I mean, if you find me cold, can you blame me? Because we only do 4 things. Outside of which, are my own things. We haven't had a date night since forever. And even if we do, I'm pretty sure there's nothing much to look forward to. Not that anything can surprise me.


9. Myself

This post isn't about ranting about other people and how I feel they have wronged me. It's just to reflect the influence of these people and how I feel about them.

It seems time has come to a standstill and I lack the motivation and inspiration to create. To paint. To decorate my glass bottles or make the wedding decor. (But still got motivation to browse Taobao at least) Sometimes I struggle with selfishness, to withdraw to myself and not communicate with J or care about his feelings. Because I feel like he can't do anything to make me feel better. He can't say what I want to hear.

Just a short while ago I aspired to want to do more and go further at work but now I don't anymore. All the books I read, goes in one side and comes out another. I think I need to re-read a few times before they can all sink in. But my head already feels like bursting.

Each day just goes on in its monotony, and it feels like we're just waiting for something to happen with bated breath. I let dreams die because I don't think there's a place for them in my life when I feel like I can't even plan ahead. Past few months I've had quite a bit of nightmares and mental smoking sessions. The most recent nightmare is still lingering in my head even after 2 days, I can still smell the black tar; that's how vivid it was. Maybe this is a form of mild depression. I still feel like I have a lot to fix about myself. Such as saying the past 2262 words aloud to someone.

Since young I channeled my emotions into writing because I've had to suppress them - that's why I find it so hard to verbalise my feelings and frustrations without bursting into tears. It's easier to write it out. I keep thinking of another Day of Prayer.....



End notes:
I think J is right. For someone whose top strength is adaptability, I can't stand uncertainty at all. It opens the can of worms, each asking, who am I? What am I good with if I can't even adapt to this? Maybe I shouldn't be defined by that because people change. I think I can't be as adaptable anymore without feeling as carefree as I used to, because of these burdens.

Hello blog.


Many things have happened in a blur for the past 3 weeks since I started my new job. I feel like my 'holiday' was eons ago, or that I never had it. But the fact is, 4 months has passed. I was a little conflicted between getting what I asked for, everything that I asked for, and now that I have it, it seems too much for me. I fear I might have bitten more than I can chew, and that I'm not ready to handle so much yet.


But my parents tell me to rise up to the challenge, to learn new ways of handling the stress. After 4 months of mostly inactivity and playing victim, my brain struggles to get the cogs in order to work again, albeit with a bit of rust. But everything comes to me quickly; getting into the pace, knowing what to do, I eventually picked it up.


I have much to learn. I have much to reflect upon.


I thank God for it. I thank God for the miracles that I didn't expect. And when I do, He is there at it again.




So I expect He will do many more miracles in my life. I must remember it. I must remember that He will help me fight the forces pulling me in other directions.

Feelings change. But how to change a sense of being?

Stopping work only made me more acutely aware of the weight. Having fun only distracted me from it.

I prayed a lot. Am I not praying right? Then why don't you tell me anything? I'm trying hard not to be angry, but it's hard.

I wake up feeling frustrated everyday. I get no sense of motivation or purpose. I don't even feel encouraged to do anything. I just want to tune everyone and everything out.

I already told you I don't know what to do, but I feel like you're not doing what you promised.

First, regret. It felt really good to scratch; though part of my before-sleep ritual, I also suspect that the 'shiokness' of it made me fall asleep easier.

During the night however, I have no control. Sometimes I sleep right through and wake up with some wounds or none. Sometimes I consciously wake, finding my hands busy, scratching away.

The next morning, I'm afraid to look at the damage done. I procrastinate to get out of bed for hours, and when I do, I don't look at it until I've washed up. Then I clean the wounds.

Sometimes I think they call it 'weeping eczema' because we damage our skin so much that it literally sheds 'tears' for mercy. But it's not that we WANT to hurt it. The itch receptors are just a bitch..a lot.

I dunno when I will see the light at the end of this tunnel. Sometimes it does get to me. And I feel like looking around for something or someone to blame.

The bf's been exceptionally supportive and comforting but that's not really what I need. I need my life to go back to normal again.

Oh my, 3 months have passed so fast! Well, I was mostly busy with the annual report, and submitting my resignation letter. After 2 years of being micromanaged and bogged by stupid admin work, I've decided that it's enough. 

How do I tell you that I've already seen you when you're 50, even if it's 20 years from now?












How do I verbalise and condense what I feel when I look into your eyes?










I can't. There's just no structure, no reason.

He heard an angel sing. With her voice as clear as sweet bells, he sat mesmerized.

When she laughed, it was like pleasant wind chimes in the wind.

Her almond-shaped eyes were bright and inquisitive, and they looked at him with something akin to adoration. He decided he could drown in them.

He couldn't stop looking back at her, studying her features and committing it to memory. He'd run his fingers over them, noting every contour and softness.

He wished time would stop in this moment with her and they wouldn't have anything to worry about.

At the back of his mind, still struggling with the fact that this beautiful and intelligent creature was somehow his, he wondered if this was what they called love.