planning...
no...
moved.
no....
in the process...
blogs i mean...
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
it's more like knocking against a wall...
you know... God...
help me to forgive them for they know not what they talk about...
help me to forgive them for they know not what i go through...
help me to forgive them for they simply do not understand one single bit...
help me to forgive them for the simple reason that all these that they do are nothing but defensive mechanisms of the human body...
'cos i know for a fact that this is not the true me... but this is the me that has been moulded since the day i could understand... these people have no doubt been in want... whereas i have not... but the difference is that they have never ever been in want of a helping hand... or a hand that wishes the very same goal... whereas i have...
and through all those indifferences... we are who we are through our experiences...
which is of course why i get it when i don't really get along...
which is of course why i concentrate and work better when i'm alone... but from time to time... sadly and unfortunately... i still require help like any one else...
but all these people know... contrary to what they think they know... is only on the outside...
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otherwise God... how could a prayer go from....
a pure and raw child-like interest... which was never really fulfilled to what i thought it would be...
to a prayer of sweet puppy-likeness... fairly fulfilled...
to a prayer of shock... dismay... and utter disregard in school... unfulfilled
to a prayer of minute hope that could have arisen... unfulfilled
to a prayer of feeling so lost... unfulfilled
to a prayer of numbness and where i convinced myself that maybe nothing at that time was worth even one ounce of help or care and concern... unfulfilled...
to a prayer of being just very very and utterly simply good enough... just good enough... but no... unfulfilled...
to a prayer of possible surprises... and also very cautiously allowing some minute belief that there could be hope once again... unfulfilled
to a prayer of a point of encouragement and reason why your best might just be worth it... unfulfilled...
to a prayer of... unfairness....
and of course the one little prayer since day 1.... of healing and restoration...
unfulfilled...
and i didn't even get an answer at all...
while i've never had much 2nd doubts... how then am i expected to actually really believe with all my heart... mind... soul and strength...?
it's an impossible task...
no this isn't purely envy... 'cos it's what i've wanted... desired... since i could remember my very first prayer... since my very first words that i could remember saying of "police"... "catch"... "red"... "man"...
no... but the envy just make it all the more worse....
help me to forgive them for they know not what they talk about...
help me to forgive them for they know not what i go through...
help me to forgive them for they simply do not understand one single bit...
help me to forgive them for the simple reason that all these that they do are nothing but defensive mechanisms of the human body...
'cos i know for a fact that this is not the true me... but this is the me that has been moulded since the day i could understand... these people have no doubt been in want... whereas i have not... but the difference is that they have never ever been in want of a helping hand... or a hand that wishes the very same goal... whereas i have...
and through all those indifferences... we are who we are through our experiences...
which is of course why i get it when i don't really get along...
which is of course why i concentrate and work better when i'm alone... but from time to time... sadly and unfortunately... i still require help like any one else...
but all these people know... contrary to what they think they know... is only on the outside...
---------------------------------------------------------
otherwise God... how could a prayer go from....
a pure and raw child-like interest... which was never really fulfilled to what i thought it would be...
to a prayer of sweet puppy-likeness... fairly fulfilled...
to a prayer of shock... dismay... and utter disregard in school... unfulfilled
to a prayer of minute hope that could have arisen... unfulfilled
to a prayer of feeling so lost... unfulfilled
to a prayer of numbness and where i convinced myself that maybe nothing at that time was worth even one ounce of help or care and concern... unfulfilled...
to a prayer of being just very very and utterly simply good enough... just good enough... but no... unfulfilled...
to a prayer of possible surprises... and also very cautiously allowing some minute belief that there could be hope once again... unfulfilled
to a prayer of a point of encouragement and reason why your best might just be worth it... unfulfilled...
to a prayer of... unfairness....
and of course the one little prayer since day 1.... of healing and restoration...
unfulfilled...
and i didn't even get an answer at all...
while i've never had much 2nd doubts... how then am i expected to actually really believe with all my heart... mind... soul and strength...?
it's an impossible task...
no this isn't purely envy... 'cos it's what i've wanted... desired... since i could remember my very first prayer... since my very first words that i could remember saying of "police"... "catch"... "red"... "man"...
no... but the envy just make it all the more worse....
Sunday, December 27, 2009
better late than never....
hmm... this post should have been made earlier... but i just didn't have the mood to do so...
first of all... i take back what i said about uni being akin to poly... nah... i think it's more like 99999 level of secondary school... really... the maths and science stuff... i still get nitemares... and the friends are few and far in between... but there is one which i really wanna keep... because of the things i'm reminded of....
yea... it's still sinking in... and it does take getting used to...
the hope when you lie there in the hospital...
the hope that you might get surprised some day....
the hope that the lies and excuses might stop...
hmm... then there wasn't even a picture to go by...
well they said it would take the same amount of time to know... and then to forget... so here we go...
omg... uni life sucks so much...
first of all... i take back what i said about uni being akin to poly... nah... i think it's more like 99999 level of secondary school... really... the maths and science stuff... i still get nitemares... and the friends are few and far in between... but there is one which i really wanna keep... because of the things i'm reminded of....
yea... it's still sinking in... and it does take getting used to...
the hope when you lie there in the hospital...
the hope that you might get surprised some day....
the hope that the lies and excuses might stop...
hmm... then there wasn't even a picture to go by...
well they said it would take the same amount of time to know... and then to forget... so here we go...
omg... uni life sucks so much...
Sunday, November 15, 2009
when everything doesn't mean a thing...
i really shouldn't try any more...
just give up and suck it up...
there are places which are more deserving... and better for me too...
while i once believed that opposites were better... i'm begining to see how those of a same feather might have the same effect...
but still...
anyways... it's so exhausting...
don't know if i'm right to say this... but even though the ship has sailed... as long as it knows you are there... there's always the opportunity and chance it might come back for refueling... because i loved the tuesdays and thursdays... and i was observing all the time... and from what i saw... i hoped that i could be right for once...
too bad...
heck... at least there's a picture this time... and i wouldn't have to listen to any lies...
no one deserves such crap... least of all people who know how to treasure it....
there are places which are more deserving... and better for me too...
while i once believed that opposites were better... i'm begining to see how those of a same feather might have the same effect...
but still...
anyways... it's so exhausting...
don't know if i'm right to say this... but even though the ship has sailed... as long as it knows you are there... there's always the opportunity and chance it might come back for refueling... because i loved the tuesdays and thursdays... and i was observing all the time... and from what i saw... i hoped that i could be right for once...
too bad...
heck... at least there's a picture this time... and i wouldn't have to listen to any lies...
no one deserves such crap... least of all people who know how to treasure it....
Sunday, November 08, 2009
this feels like poly again... up 999 levels
it's so much harder... but i just don't mean academically...
it all feels the same again... 'cept less an alwyn or so to crap with... no big brother or so to introduce me to the "bad" things... lol... it's where i started on anime or anything japanese for that matter... which of course led to YUI...
here in NUS... you deal with all sorts of people... and you learn how different the education system is... the way poly and jc grads think and write... world of a difference... and when the grades don't agree with you... it gets so much more discouraging...
oh and the fact that i have a crappy tutorial teacher.... when i could have a welly pretty one! :(
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in any case i still can't quite forgive the lies... and how i tried to convince myself that it was possibly the truth... it's probably going to stay that way for now... for awhile...
aren't we all nice IF we want something....?
you know... if i had been that way in pri 6... it would have been so very much different... at least till sec 4... and i do think i could have convinced it to go past that even...
funny how everything just grows cold like that when left alone...
hindsight's such a wonderful thing... and the list of people who you can trust gets smaller everyday...
but maybe there are better things to come... right..?
RIGHT?
yea right....
it all feels the same again... 'cept less an alwyn or so to crap with... no big brother or so to introduce me to the "bad" things... lol... it's where i started on anime or anything japanese for that matter... which of course led to YUI...
here in NUS... you deal with all sorts of people... and you learn how different the education system is... the way poly and jc grads think and write... world of a difference... and when the grades don't agree with you... it gets so much more discouraging...
oh and the fact that i have a crappy tutorial teacher.... when i could have a welly pretty one! :(
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
in any case i still can't quite forgive the lies... and how i tried to convince myself that it was possibly the truth... it's probably going to stay that way for now... for awhile...
aren't we all nice IF we want something....?
you know... if i had been that way in pri 6... it would have been so very much different... at least till sec 4... and i do think i could have convinced it to go past that even...
funny how everything just grows cold like that when left alone...
hindsight's such a wonderful thing... and the list of people who you can trust gets smaller everyday...
but maybe there are better things to come... right..?
RIGHT?
yea right....
Thursday, October 29, 2009
so what's new...?
well would i be wrong to say that everyone was informed about the little change but me...?
sigh... how things change...
but why do the show-offs still get to show-off...? and even more and more...?
God probably thought of the sin to fit the commandment instead... so that it would be (confirm, guarantee pruss chop) broken....
"hmm... do not envy eh? a.k.a teh most dangerous sin of 'em all!! sounds cool..! ok... err... now let's define envy..."
sigh... how things change...
but why do the show-offs still get to show-off...? and even more and more...?
God probably thought of the sin to fit the commandment instead... so that it would be (confirm, guarantee pruss chop) broken....
"hmm... do not envy eh? a.k.a teh most dangerous sin of 'em all!! sounds cool..! ok... err... now let's define envy..."
