Games, deep breaths, and determining intention

Do you ever have those days when you feel empty, and you really aren't sure quite what you are living for?  The way I remember it, it seems that quite frequently in my life I have gone through phases where I have assigned myself value and worth in dysfunctional ways.  I can't believe it has taken me almost 22 years to put together such a simple puzzle about life's meaning and purpose. 

If you happen to be outside soon, just take a slow, deep breath and look at the sky around you.  And the clouds.  Does it really make sense that this world is here unintentionally - that there is no real purpose behind it all?  I just can't think that way, because at that point, there is not much reason to live.  I cannot help but think that God has put this world in place for a special meaning.  In the past, my problem has always started at this point.  My usual pattern of thinking goes like this:  Yeah, this world is really fabulous and meaningful in the moments I can see pieces of God in the people and things around me...where there are little glimpses of how God will set all things right in the end...but right now I cannot find a meaningful place for me here, and often I stumble around and live from day to day with little purposeful direction...and it is so hard for me to see how I am giving any sort of significant contribution to it all. 

Back to the puzzle:  recently I allowed my mind to wander in a direction it does not normally take, and when I was just taking in my surroundings, I realized something else.  Yes, God was purposeful in creating the world, but that means He was equally purposeful in bringing me into it.  For some reason, He has set my feet here, and there is something I am supposed to do, things that I was created for that only I can do; if someone else could have filled my role in the way God intended, then I wouldn't be here at all.

I have gone through phases where I thought I would get a lot out of life by treating it all like a big game.  Why not take chances?  Life is just a game.  Why not have fun conversations and just relax, don't be so tense?  Live is just a game.  Why not make it as enjoyable as possible for the people around you and for yourself, in the most Godly way you know?  I think this viewpoint is really refreshing, and for a few weeks I felt like quite the genius for thinking of it.  But this game idea is flawed, because it still let me stumble around and play around without much real responsibility or direction.  This view makes it seem like God just set up this big playground, and we can frolic around and have fun fulfilling our own purposes, when we should be working towards God's purpose.

So, quite simply my new revelation is this:  The fact that I exist, that I was created to be here at this point in time on earth, gives me worth and value.  God has some sort of intention for me that I haven't figured out, but my role is important to him. 

More problems come up here.  I know I am important (but of course not the most important or the center of the universe) but I do not know what God wants me to do - I have been asking Him but don't have much clarity to report yet.  I acknowledge that I am entirely too selfish and that I would be serving God by letting go of myself and serving other people more often, setting my eyes on them.  I know I can live with and learn from all the other people here in the world because they are just as important to God as I am, and they have things to contribute to God's purpose that are unique and completely individual.  If my purpose can be partially fulfilled as a Registered Dietitian, which is what I have been working toward academically at least, I know I can serve others and improve their lives through nutrition.  I am struggling with being selfish, and not "feeling like" studying or doing the work, but I am not honoring God or my original intention to major in nutrition by being this way.  I know I should be working for school as if I am working directly for God, but studying seems so meaningless at times; however, I originally was drawn to nutrition because I wanted to help people become healthy because of the way restoring my own health has impacted me.  I feel that everyone deserves to be in good health, and we can do this by eating right and being physically active before disease comes our way (because then diet and exercise becomes specialized, as in the cases of chronic kidney disease and diabetes mellitus). 

A long-term goal of nutrition is to help people prevent disease, but my short-term nutrition goal started as a belief that exercise and a balanced, nutritious diet can improve one's quality of life immediately.  I kind of think this post has helped me determine some goals for myself just in typing out these words...goals to not be lazy and realizing that schoolwork will take its significant effect down the road...but I know my life is meaningful for more than just the field of nutrition.  My heart is reaching out, wanting something more, and I can't satisfy God's purpose for me through a nutrition career alone.  This is what gets me.  I would be thrilled to have my life down the road be spontaneous, a busy, varied workload in numerous settings (not just nutrition), but I don't know where else God is calling me.

I have gone on mission trips with church in the past, and I love singing, participating in and helping lead worship.  As of right now, I feel I would also be letting good parts of myself die if I were to neglect my loves and passions for theatre and acting and for the specialty coffee movement.  I do have ideas of where I would be happy and well-equipped to set out for, but it is hard to march towards anything because I don't know how God will manifest Himself in my future.  I straddle between being too worried about it and being too relaxed - not worried enough!  I know God will put His hand in my business, but I worry that I will be too passive and jut wait for something to happen rather than actively work towards what God wants.  I know His word says that God equips people with the abilities they need when He calls them to do something rather than only calling people to serve who are already have the needed "equipment" - so I know not feeling ready is fine, because God will make sure I am endowed to do what He wants me to do.

I have gotten my worth and value caught up so much in things other than God over the years.  When those things fall down or disappoint me, I am left again with something empty - and this is partially a great thing, because it makes me realize what a sinner I am and how I need God that much more.  But you know what?  Falling on my face isn't painless, and I don't actually enjoy it too much.  I have caught myself up in feeling valuable because of success in things I have done and because of certain support I have received from other people; but when I fail or when others fail me I am forced to crawl back to God and tell Him how badly I have messed up, how I have both unintentionally and intentionally allowed other things to have more significance to me than He does, things I have looked to to make me feel significant...all the while thinking of myself as a Christian, reading the Bible, and continuing to make excuses and twist my intentions to make it seem like they are in line with God's.

I am looking to Bible reading and prayer to set my direction.  Human hearts, including my own, have so many spots of black it is hard to know if any of my intentions are good anymore...but this is okay.  God accepts us exactly where we are, and even though we sin sin sin, He is a much bigger Savior than I am a sinner, and He can make up for my falling short.  God loves me and values me, and He loves and values you.  We don't have to be perfect, and we don't have to be successful for that love to stay constant.  God's love makes me want to be better and step up my life, but at the same time, I know God will be there for me no matter what, and that when I fail, I am not worthless and I have God to help me back up.  We do not have to face this life on our own.