The Sleepless Mom

So, finally Kareem fell asleep.. and as it is the case every night, I take advantage of being alone and free at last to have some "me" time before he wakes up again. By "me" time I definitely don't mean going shopping or going out with friends or relax or watch a movie or maybe read a book or something, as I used to do before, my me time these days is no more than check mail, send a message, make a phone call, or take a quick peek at my favorite websites, not to mention enjoying a cup of hot cocoa or ice-cream or any other guilty pleasure. I actually cherish this time when I am finally all alone, when I can do what I previously mentioned without having to be in a hurry...
*sigh*

So, instead of heading directly to bed to get some sleep after a hectic day, I find myself seduced by a state of silence and solitude to stay awake and enjoy it as it lasts.
Every morning, when I wake up so tired and sleepy, because Kareem wakes up like every hour or two at night, I blame myself for staying awake after my baby sleeps and decide that I'll never do it again and I better have some mercy and get myself some sleep cause in my case, every minute of sleep counts! And here I am, can't overcome the temptation of having some time for myself, and can't fall asleep despite the severe sleep deprivation I am suffering from. I don't remember when was the last time I had a good night's sleep. I've been sleep deprived since I was pregnant, so it's been more than a year now.... Sometimes, I feel lucky that I still remember my own name, LOL!! Seriously, I'm losing it! Can't function or focus, can't concentrate on anything. And guess what?? I'm looking for a job! Isn't that funny! :D

I'll talk about the job thingie later, and why I am looking for a job, but now, what was I talking about?? Oh yes, the sleeplessness, I need to find a solution sooo badly. Remember when I let Kareem cry himself to sleep? I felt so guilty afterwards and decided never to do it again no matter what, and completely abandoned the whole idea of letting my baby cry it out. So I searched and searched and read so many articles about this problem until I came across this book, The No Cry Sleep Solution, read it and just started following the instructions. Now I have my fingers crossed hoping that this plan will work and I finally get some sleep and start functioning like a normal human being again, lol .

Our First Anniversary

Exactly a year ago today, we got married. I don't believe it's been a year! As if it was yesterday, despite the many events and changes that took place during this year.
Leaving Lebanon, celebrating our wedding in Jordan, moving to Turkey, then back to Lebanon, then moving to Dubai, and now back to Lebanon... getting pregnant.. and the most important thing my angel's birth...
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I became a wife, and a mother!
Ammar and Kareem, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm blessed to have you in my life.

Happy Anniversary my love, I love you :)

from Lebanon...to Jordan.. with Love...

In the past, the word Jordanian meant nothing to me.. it wasn’t more than a word written in my passport and a direct answer to the question: what is your nationality?

All what I can recollect from my childhood about the "Jordanian spirit" in our house is that my late father, God bless his soul, used to watch the Jordanian TV a lot, and a weird accent he and some men used to speak when they meet or speak over the phone.

With the passage of time, I started to become curious to know more about Jordan, excited to learn more about our family there. And the only way to satisfy this curiosity was to go there and find out myself.

We used to hear remarks about the Jordanians being closed-minded, old school, very conservative people. Some people even warned me from going there expecting that my family there wouldn't like the way I dress and force me to wear hijab, or may oblige me to marry one my cousins and stuff like that... I admit that this kinda freaked me out, yet didn't change my mind about visiting Jordan as soon as I had the chance to. It wasn't before the year 2001 that I finally made up my mind to go.

I set off on a chilly day in December 2001.. a day that I vividly remember. It was the first time I leave Lebanon; the first time I travel a long distance all alone. It's not a long distance travel between Lebanon and Jordan you know but back then, to me, it was. I felt a bit uneasy, but the excitement feeling was more overwhelming. When I arrived, I was showered with love... I can't tell you how sweet and caring my family in Jordan turned out to be. They are anything but closed minded and old school! It was Ramadan, and despite being very exhausted and sleepy, I stayed awake until after suhur. We had a big family gathering at suhur, and it was one of the most exciting and the most unforgettable nights I've ever had.
I spent the Eid there too. And what can I tell you, Eids in Jordan have a different taste. All the family gatherings, rejoicing, laughing, joyful conversations and great times... all were new to me. I've never thought that I had such a big happy family, and I felt very sorry that I missed all that fun in the previous years of my life.

Now, see, things became totally different. Jordan now holds a special place in my heart, Jordanian is not just a word written in my identity card, not anymore... it's now something deeper and more meaningful. Jordan is the beautiful country, the good people, the big family, the feeling of being protected and surrounded by loving, caring people. It's the place where I met my husband, where I had both my engagement and my wedding parties. The place of the most beautiful memories. The place where I had the chance to meet great people and great friends like: Rana, Ola, Areej, Weddo, Amjad, Qais, Raeef, Dina, Maher, and my best online friend Simsim, and a few more...

I'm glad that I had the chance to blog about Jordan, I thought at first that I won't find anything to write about since I don't live in Jordan. The post is personal more than anything else, but hey, at least I tried. Of course I have to thank Qwaider for coming up with this great idea :)

Ghorbeh

I am a person who gets very attached to people and places that I suffer a lot when leaving them and find a big difficulty in adapting to new ones.
I've experienced what's called culture shock more than once in my life, and I'm prepared for yet another one that's coming very soon.

The first time was when we moved to another city, leaving my friends, with whom I spent eleven years of my life, back. Despite being in the same country, the change was too much for me to bear. At school, I was surrounded by strangers instead of friends. I felt alienated and heart-broken. I used to call my friends and send them letters telling them how miserable I was without them. I didn't want to study anymore, I hated everything and everyone in my life, my school, my classmates, my teachers, everything. My grades were getting worse and worse. And I was getting more aggressive and depressed. Believe it or not, (I myself can barely believe that) It took me years to get used to my new life.

I visit Jordan once or twice a year, and I do love being there and enjoy it a lot. But it takes me one month only before I start feeling uneasy and homesick and would cry like a baby asking them to "take meeee baaaack hoooome".
The idea of living abroad and leaving Lebanon used to freak me out, and I had a feeling that I was going to leave, sooner or later. And that's what actually happened. When I got married and had to leave I promised myself not to think much about it, to be open-minded and look at the positive side, and do my best to get used to this new life as soon as possible. You know during the first stage, one feels excited, everything about the foreign country and its people seems interesting and fascinating, but later on the suffering and the homesickness begins... the worst phase of all.. when you're overwhelmed with the uncomfortable feeling of not belonging, of being an outsider, which will eventually lead to a feeling of isolation and even a hostility to the new environment. These symptoms, however, are most likely to disappear with the passage of time. I didn't reach the "recovery" and "stability" phase which is the normal outcome of living abroad though because thankfully my unborn baby decided to put an end to my frustration and bring me back home.

What made me write this post is that I noticed that there are people who, just like me, feel like a fish out of water when they move from a familiar environment and enter a strange one, while others can more easily cope with culture shock, make new friends and move on in life.
I have these two friends, one of them left her husband in Spain after three months of getting married and returned back after she could take it no more. While the other has been living in Holland for years and barely complained of being bored, homesick or depressed. People are not the same after all.
I hate el "ghorbeh".