Life is perfect

I mean, it's perfect right now.
I haven't had much time to blog. Or even read blogs (work blocks them. gasp!)
But I've been making time for myself. And for training. And for sleep.

And right now...right now it's a little after 8pm on New Year's Eve. And I'm all alone in my new place. There are tunes playing and Clubber is on the floor gnawing on a bone. It's still 60 degrees outside (we got some freak heat wave). All the snow has melted. We can see grass for the first time since November. I got out this morning for a quick run...in shorts! I walked to work. I had teddy grahams and milk for breakfast. I walked to my car after work in a t-shirt. And then I went for a two hour ride with Judi...again, in shorts. And it was then that we witnessed a traffic jam going to a liquor warehouse. And a small black dog on the back of a motorcycle, complete with tank and riding goggles. No joke. I wove through traffic to pet the attention whore pup and chat it up with the driver.

I got a call from a friend after the ride who told me I sounded "euphoric". And i was. That was the most fun I'd had on a bike since September. The wind was howling and I worked, but it wasn't biting cold. And I was riding outside with a friend.

It's the last day of, yet another, tumultuous year...and I have more hope coursing through my veins than I've had in a very, very long time. And I can't say I know to what that's attributable. I've had some very special people help me through this year. And some of those people helped me even when I thought they were hurting me (and yes, Chris A is one of those special people). I had a great early season of races. I travelled with friends. I fell in love. I learned to ride with the race pace group. I left a job with which I was dissatisfied and complacent. I took a very big risk. I followed my heart. I had my heart broken and I cried with more emotion than I knew I had in me. And then I took a stand. I went go-cart racing. I abused my body, in both good and bad ways. I turned 30. I burried my head under the covers. I took home some money from races. I won my first tri. I worked at the bike shop and wore jeans and tanks and flip flops to work everyday!! I discovered that I'd be ok from flirting with some travelling Cervelo demo dude. I leaned on mom, on friends. I moved into my dad's basement. And i learned how it feels to be poor. I made new great friends. I developed a relationship with my step-mom that I didn't know could exist. I earned an even greater appreciation for my body and of what it's capable because the mind will push it through. I re-found myself through lots of talk, lots of alone time, lots of tears, lots of anger and lots of laughs. I attended my first gay wedding. I went on a beer tour. I qualified for ITU Long Course Worlds. I reconnected with old friends (thanks, FB). I learned how very important it is to be open to synchronicity. And I realized how much lighter life feels without a huge load of anger. I found that I have friends and family that believe in me more than I even believe in me. A job fell into my life. And I asked a question and got a place to live. I once again have this feeling that right where I am....is right where I'm supposed to be. And for that very fact, I'm grateful for all that occurred this year.

I can't think of a more perfect place to be to ring in a new year of adventure, seeking, learning, loving, desiring, hoping, discovering, finding....

Cheers to a fabulous 2011!

I'm looking at the (wo)man in the mirror

I'm asking her to change her ways.

The disappointment must stop. I must let go. I must not continue to emotionally entangle myself. I must not invite in the chaos. I must not respond. I must not show weakness. I must not let him know he still infiltrates my thoughts.

Because he thrives on these things. Each time one of these things occurs, he gains some control. I must take back the control. The only reason he has power is because i gave it to him. And I'm finally just sick and tired of pain.

At least the emotional sort. The physical kind is beautiful.

Last night was my first bike under Coach E. It was on the trainer. The warm-up and 30 sec fast spins were easy. Then came the 40 min steady state in z4. Fifteen minutes into this, I wanted to rip the fucking bike off the trainer. My legs felt swollen, achy. But how could i tell Coach I bailed after 15 mins? So, i kept pedaling. Ten minutes later, my legs had come around. I felt fresh and powerful and the remaining time went by quickly. I emailed Coach notes. He responded with "Tomorrow sould be a good one-be strong!!"

After the night sweats and the early morning dog walk, I woke to legs that felt better than they've felt in weeks. I tried to commission Tom into meeting me at the track. He declined, said he might just stay in bed. I made one last desperate attempt and decided I'd swim at lunch and go to the track after work.

And then...at about 11:40, I get a text from Tom "I've got to get out. Tell me when and where before I change my mind" LOL! So grateful he changed his mind. I needed a push. Someone else there. Someone else to push me to feel the pain.

We met for my track work. 10 min warm up. 8x30 sec stride with 90 sec recovery. And then...3x1 mile with 2 mins recovery. I already had my mind made up I was going sub 7...maybe 6:45? First mile my heart rate was up. I could hear my breathing. I could feel my legs. 6:30. and on to recovery lap. Next mile felt easier. I gained focus, got relaxed. 6:30 again. And last one...go out on the first lap, maintain for the second, push on the third, hang on for the fourth. 6:37. Slightly off, but I'll so take it. Cool down and change back into work clothes as I drive back to the office. When my next workout is only 4 hours away, there's no need for a shower.

The women in my new department are poster children for J Crew. The men, Brooks Brothers. They all drive Beamers. Hell, they sell aircraft. I go back to my cube with sweat soaked hair and I'm sure I stink. They think I'm silly and immature, no doubt. I live an entirely different life. They have no idea the joy I feel out racing, testing my limits. Maybe it's the same thing they feel watching their kids walk for the first time...or say "dada" or how they feel when they land a big deal with rich payoffs?

After work, a quick swim. Had to get it in and out before aqua aerobics. 5x(150 swim, 150 pull). Short and sweet.

And tonight, I pray I can refrain from contact...even more than for lack of sweating.