12 Days of Xmas Videos - Day #4

I'm even able to come across (actually, be given) an Xmas video so fitting to the main themes of this blog.  The first time you play it, you should close your eyes and let the innuendos build images in your mind on their own.  Then open your eyes and watch some vivid claymation to supplement all of the dirty jokes you just giggled at.

Never, ever, has Santa ever brought me sexy lingerie.  I don't think he likes me.  Plus, I don't even know where the video was trying to go with the ♪ stuffing stockings all night long ♪.  It's not even trying to be an innuendo...

Happy Holidays,
~RoB

Carcinogens

Your cell phone causes brain cancer when you talk on it.  It also increases gonad (men: man basket, women: egg basket) cancer when carried in your pocket all day, every day.  It also increases arthritis in joints from intense electromagnetic radiation over long periods of texting.  So, are you gonna give it up?

First of all, that first paragraph was absolutely hypothetical.  (It is, however, current news, though the debate has raged for a decade.)  [A physics professor once walked into a discussion and asked "Who here believes cell phones will kill you?"  Nobody raised their hand.  "Nobody would have raised their hand for cigarettes in the '50s, either."  It was a great example of how we think about things differently with hindsight.]

Secondly, I hate smokers.  I really, truly don't understand them.  I want to be able to breath and eat and dance and bowl without you making health choices for me by polluting my air.  This morning, on my way to work, I had my regular, 40-minute, ~RoB-thinks-to-himself time.  It was the first time that I was ever able to empathize with smokers.

It's 2011.  You absolutely know that smoking is bad for you.  It's not cool, and everybody hates you.  Yet you still smoke.  Why?

In my brain I flipped it to: your cell phone is bad for you.  Everyone's sick of you always being on it.  You're never in the moment.  If you do it while you drive you're going to slam into freeway divider, and your brain is going to explode across your cracked windshield.  Let's say we could confidently state it causes cancer.  Yet you still carry your cell phone around with you everywhere.  Why?

I'm one of those people who have become completely dependent on smart phones.  I honestly don't know how easily I could give them up.  It's not about being cool anymore (though it kinda is).  It's about being so used to it and fearing to return to the way things were.  Seriously, wtf is Mapquest?  Land-line?  Wait, wait, wait... you expect me to remember your 7 digits without putting them into my phone immediately?

I've heard people talk about their anxiety when they forget their cell phone at home.  I've heard (and was glad cuz it totally happens to me) of 'phantom rings' when muscles in your leg go off and imitate your phone on vibrate... causing you to answer your phone though nobody is calling.  I've seen, first hand, how awful people are when they are so addicted to their smartphones that they've lost all social skills.  (Hello, L.A.)  However, for some reason, they're still worth it to me.  I can't explain why.  I'm addicted...
...So are cigarette smokers.

If cell phones become cigarettes, socially, then consider me French (or Asian, wtf is up with that?),
~RoB

Podcasts

I drive ~39 minutes one-way to work.  I did the same commute in the summer of 2008, and I was almost excited to catch back up on all of my podcasts.  My enthusiasm ran out as quickly as my podcasts did.  The only things that I regularly listened to before this summer were: Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast, Freakonomics, and This American Life.  I highly recommend the latter two to everyone, but the first one is more up my alley than most people's.

Anyway, I went on a rampage of trying new podcasts.  I'm really happy with them some, and I have a few that I'd like to say aren't so good..  Car Talk is amazing, and How Stuff Works is super interesting.  Planet Money hits an interest that I've only recently come across: economics, so I listen to that regularly.  Adam Corolla's podcast sucked, so I really don't understand why it is so popular..  I've unsubscribed to TED Talks (stupid without video) and Comedy Central (same problem).  ESPN's B.S. Report and Jillian Michaels' podcast didn't do if for me, either.  A new podcast from the producers of WWDTM! has been pretty good, and its called How to Do Everything.

I'm a big fan of Doug Loves Movies, but I don't think I've correctly guessed a single movie yet from the Leonard Multin game.  I tried Jordan, Jesse Go!, but I don't think that I get it.  Not really my thing.  I'm also trying to settle on Sklarboro Country.  I'm a big fan of the Sklar Bros, but hearing them (instead of being able to look at them) as they continuously switch between each other is almost too much for my brain.  I like their interviews, though, so I'll probably keep trying.  Joe Rogan's podcast is just too long, he gets too long winded on some of his crazy rants, and I get distracted every time I think about the Fleshlight.  Bring back in the long list of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me! and Napa Valley Wine Radio 'casts that I allowed to build up in my iPhone, and I've got quite the fleet of entertaining sound bites to get me from here to work and back each day.

I've also learned some really important things from these podcasts over the last few months:

• How to Do Everything taught me that the only sure-fire way to get rid of hiccups is to stick your finger up in your butthole and tickle the inside a little bit.  Think about that next time you have the hiccups.
• Doug <3s Movies taught me that Johnny Knoxville lost a tooth to a high-velocity dildo while filming Jackass 3D.
• Doug Loves Movies also taught me that a taping of Mr. Belvedere was shut down early because Christopher Hewett sat on his own balls.  (He also had another instance where he fell out of a harness during a production of Peter Pan and landed on his balls... stopping production for another day.)  Pretty much, we learned that Mr. Belvedere had gigantic testicles.
• Planet Money, on a more serious note, has taught me that nobody in the world knows what the fuck they are doing when it comes to the economy.
• Oh, and How to Do Everything taught me that Annie is just as awkward on the radio as she is in real life.

BB's MMPC makes me think the word 'cunt' alot, to myself, too,
~RoB

Kiwis

It's kiwi season (or it's ending), so we have had a regular supply of them at our apartment, thanks to the two weekly farmers' markets we visit.  The other day I caught our vegetarian roommate eating the fuzzy fruit like an apple, peel and all.  I always rip them in half and spoon the insides out like a grapefruit.  She convinced me that it wasn't too awkward, and that it was really healthy for you.

So, I tried it today.  It is the equivalent of what I imagine having hairy balls in your mouth feels like.  I can't get rid of the feeling of hairy sandpaper on my tongue.

Not sure why ^ this one is shaved.

Not sure how this 'Asian scrotum' differentiates from most...

Things I learned while researching this topic:
1) If you're just starting to shave your cobblers, try it on a kiwi first.  (You can click on the shaved kiwi above to get a whole instruction manual on how to shave your figs).

2) There are a bazillion words to talk about testicles:

testes,

nads,

fruit basket,

nuggets,

wrinkle bag,

marbles,

acorns,

hacky-sac,

baby beans,

bollocks,

man pouch,

snake eyes,

plums,

stones,

family jewels,

gonads,

cojones,

junk,

man-jigglies,

man tonsils,

love spuds,

hanging brain,

ornaments,

figs,

cobblers [I've been using this alot lately],

kiwis,

teabag,

scrotum,

balls,

nutsack,

and, finally, my new personal fave, Ewoks.

3) If you've actually made it this far, then your reward is the cutest nutsack I've ever seen:

I'm blown away by how much more traumatizing it is to Google image search "scrotum" as opposed to "hairy scrotum",
~RoB