Rish presents his time travel(ish) story "Olivia Rewinds." Our gal Olivia and her boyfriend break up, but then she can whatever she wishes . . . just like you.
Note: This is NOT the Valentine's Day episode.
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Logo by Gino "Be Kind Rewind" Moretto.
So, this is Christmas, and what have you done? I guess what I did was a couple of podcast episodes, finishing a story that I thought was done two years ago, and this Twelve Days of Christmas thing with Fake Sean Connery.
Now, I've never plugged it before, much less linked to it, but during the pandemic, I created an Instagram account for Fake Sean, hoping to post inspiring content. That didn't last--does anything?--and I did go back to it from time to time when I heard a joke that might work with Fake Sean telling it.*
But toward the beginning of December, I got it into my head that I could have Fake Sean do the 12 Days of Xmas, and that I might have him tell the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, the greatest of all tall tales. And even though "A Christmas Carol" is not long, it was waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long to do on Instagram, even broken into twelve parts.**
But I tried to figure out how to split it up evenly, and then I took the text, and tried to pare it down short enough to get it all on my dry erase board (which had sat in the trunk of my car for three years since I stopped trying to do pop songs in outdoor locations). And man, it was work to get each segment down to about four minutes (and in a couple of cases, Instagram didn't want me to upload even that much).
I had lost the original bald Fake Sean mask, and when I went to order another one, they were out of stock, but they did have one circa 1983 (looking like he did in NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN), which works, but isn't really Fake Sean in my mind. He needs to have a beard and be bald, I think. So I ordered another bald one from the UK, which was dirt cheap in itself, but the postage really shivved me.
And I discovered that it is really hard to see (let alone read) while wearing the mask. I guess I have a pretty big head, because you could always see my chin or my hair or my ears when I wore the mask--necessitating me putting on a hat the couple of times I had one handy. Also, I learned not to put the camera below me, but that it looked better at eye level or above me--eventually, I started holding the camera instead of setting it down, which tired out my arm after a while.
And it took a while because I screwed up so many times. I started out reading it without the mask, then doing a trial take, but soon I skipped the read-through, and tried to get through it in a single take. Inevitably, I'd screw up, and there was one where I did four takes before deciding I couldn't bear to do it again.
Two nights ago, I created a document for the final day (when Scrooge wakes up and finds it Christmas Day), and had to cut out so much content (it really should have been two days), including the great part where he meets the gentlemen from the start and they are not happy to see him, and the bit where he goes to his nephew's party and impresses the wife. But it took so bloody long that it was two-something when I finished, so I left it for the next morning (which would work better in daylight anyway). Unfortunately, I was awakened about six by the sound of my laptop restarting, and realized that that meant the abridgment would be gone when I went to do it. So I had to do the whole thing again, but it was far easier than the night before, because I was well-rested and had already decided what to keep and what to lose. And this one--the final one--was the only instance where I recorded it in only a single take, and was content to let it be.
There are no segments that are perfect, unfortunately, and I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist with my sketches and audiobooks, but it had all been such a monumental undertaking (shame that I didn't have someone else to do it with me, because it would've gone so much faster) that I couldn't achieve anything near professional-quality. But I hope that people take it in the spirit of the thing, and it pleases some stranger out there.
May Sean bless us, every one.
*I know there are literally thousands of jokes out there, but you'd be shocked--downright flabbergasted--to find out what percentage of them are actually funny. Maybe 8%. Just this week, I heard someone laugh at this execrable Christmas joke: "How did the Magi know what gifts to bring the Baby Jesus?"
"Because they were three wise men." (insertPicardfacepalmimagehere)
**Truth be told, I needed about fifteen just to do a bare bones, but complete, retelling.
I really bit off more than I could chew with this 12 Days of Christmas Carol thing. I hadn't anticipated how long it would take to do an abridgement, and then write it up on a dry erase board, and it doesn't help that it starts getting dark at, what, three-thirty?
So, there's a learning curve, and what I learned on Day 2 was to put the camera ABOVE me, rather than below me, because it ruins the "illusion" when you can see my darn face the whole time.
Sigh.
About Thanksgiving, I got this idea to present Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" as part of the 12 Days of Christmas, one post each day leading up to The Day, which seemed a bit ambitious, but doable (especially since I had a month to prepare). What I had to figure out was how to slice up the book into a dozen parts, and then see how to present those sections.
What I ended up doing was taking each part of the story (for example, the introduction of Scrooge) and abridging it down to as short as I could manage, then writing it up on a dry erase board, setting it in front of me, and trying to go through it in one take. I recorded the first couple of them so you could "enjoy" the effort, and I'll present it here.
It's very rough (I don't think there's a single one I didn't curse through), and the darn mask looks absolutely ridiculous barely covering the front of my face, yet squashing my nose badly enough I could barely breathe*, and preventing me from seeing the script. But ah well, it was worth a try.
*By the fifth or sixth day, the steam from my breath has started to warp the inside of the cardboard, which leads me to believe I'll have to throw the mask away when I finish.
I deeply love Halloween. I met this girl, Paola, who claims to love "spooky season" more than anybody, and I thought I'd wish her a happy October 31st . . . but she treats Halloween as so holy, she took the day off. Touché.
I recently bought another Sean Connery mask to replace the one I lost somewhere. Unfortunately, it's a Connery-circa-1983 mask, but hey, I'll still use it. I grabbed it last night to record a Halloween greeting, having forgotten to do so over the past week (I even considered doing it up at the cabin, and was disappointed I hadn't brought it when some cool fog rolled in last week). I also thought about driving to the cemetery, but instead, just did it outside the storage unit where I keep the mask, since no one was around to interrupt, mock, or attack me.
I decided to do the "Rap" bit from the end of Michael Jackson's Thriller, having known the words for forty years now (what I wouldn't give to hear a recording of little kid Rish Outfield saying, "Darkness falls across the land..."). I rehearsed it once, trying to make sure I got the words right, did the accent, and didn't trip over myself since I can't really see out the eyeholes.
Then it was time to record it. I went through the whole song with no errors.
And then, at the last possible second (during the laugh), I screwed it up.
Figured I'd share that here.
So, here's another episode out of order, but ah well. In this one, I talk a bit about the whole "Lara and the Witch" series, and the recently-completed novel "When You Need It Most."
Also, Fake Sean knew you were trouble when you walked in. He's wise that way.
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Logo by Gino "Sir Yawn" Moretto.
