Conversations With Liam

Daddy: What happened here? (looking at a map that's been ripped off the wall)

Liam: It was an accident. It was on purpose.

Daddy: It was on purpose?

Liam: No it was an accident. The accident was on purpose.

Late Night Snacks & Good Reads

Supreme Leader worked until 6pm last night so the boys and I braved the wilds of East Van and Burnaby to go pick her up. As soon as we got rolling, young and usually happy monkey started demanding a movie (DVD player in mini-van, if you've ever seen these and mocked them, you're stupid). Usually I'd just put it on but today I wanted some Olympic updates before giving up...er, listening to Cars for the 1001st time. Patience was not on the books. There were immediate threats to kick my chair, send me to my room and slam the door, and bestest, sneeze on me. He's turned the corner on blind screaming anger to being able to vocalize it. He's still working on the vocalizing.

I tried explaining that daddy just wanted to listen for a minute, that I'd put the movie on soon, but he was having none of that. And he does not need a nap. No, sir. Since daddy was not giving him the fight he needed he turned to his older brother who was more than willing to accommodate. That's love.

About ten minutes later they were both asleep. They were still asleep when we got home. Then comes the dilemma. Wake them up or put them to bed? Not being able to remember the last time we had an evening to ourselves we chose bed. And what a lovely evening it was. Until 9:30 and 2:15am, respectively. 9:30 wasn't too bad. Connor and I watched some beach volleyball and ate some Fruity Cheerios, back to bed, Bob's yer uncle. (What the hell does that mean?) 2:15am was a different story though. Who doesn't like waking up out of a deep sleep to their child screaming? Not sure what the dream was about but it sounded like a dispute over a toy. Then he sits up and says, "I'm hungry." Yes. Of course you are.

So after about 10 minutes of standing in the middle of the kitchen cold and naked wondering what the hell to feed a 3 year old at two in the morning I grabbed a chewy granola bar and chopped a few small pieces off. Liam takes these pieces and instead of just shovelling them into his cake hole like he usually does, he takes small bites and then chews slowly like he's pondering the subtle nuances of peanut and hydrogenated cottonseed oil. Daddy is going to drift off into oncoming traffic later today and it will be your fault.

On the bright side, when we got home yesterday, Canada Post had left us a present!



The picture doesn't do it justice, that's 2.2 pounds of sweet reading. Do I recommend this book? No. I recommend you drop whatever you're reading and run to your nearest Chapters/Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Amazon whatever and buy book's 1 through 7 of this series. That's what I recommend. If you like fantasy. If you don't, go out and buy them anyway, you'll change your mind. If you don't then you suck. But that's just my opinion.

Yesterday I was totally lacking motivation, Sleep Deprivation Ninja recommended the next time I felt this way I should try taking a ninja nap,

"a ninja nap--it's like a regular nap except you do it with your eyes open
while running up and down the side of a mountain. Nothing says lack of
accomplishment like a nap with no sleep involved."

Thanks SDN. That's kinda what last night felt like and it must have worked. BTW, why the FUCK won't Blogger let go of this freakin quote no matter what I do? Oh, and why the giant gaps between paragraphs that won't correct either?

Emails From Home: Busted

Subject: I just got in trouble
Liam found some toys parts in the garbage and now he's angry at me and finking on me to his brother.

Subject: Oh dear god
Now he's found that half of Bumblebee in the garbage. I'm being sent to jail.

Juggling With Burning Toilet Paper

Liam: (sitting on potty) Daddy, what is this?

Me: It's the toilet paper holder, hon.

Liam: (points at the toilet paper on the counter)?

Me: Toilet paper.

Liam: Why is it there?

Me: Because your mommy has a bachelors and an honours degree but still can't put toilet paper on the roll.

Mommy: (faintly from the next room) What?

Later...

Bernadette: Why did Connor just ask me if I was going to be grumpy when I wake up tomorrow?            

Me: (looking for an escape route or defensive weapon) Um... well... you might have been a teensy bit grouchy when you woke up and I suggested to him that it would be better for everyone if he didn't act crazy before bed and put on his jammies quietly. (nervous laughter)

Stars In My Sky: Uh huh. (turning with a look of promised reprisal)

Saturday Morning Birth Control

Liam: (crying, crawling into my lap as I'm reading Sleep Deprivation Ninja) Daddy! I want to watch Little Einstein's not Tiger and Pooh!

Me: Um...ok...(tv is not on) I'll go get it out of the van.

Liam: (tears magically gone) Yay!

Out to the carport in my boxers because it's 8am on Saturday morning and I'll only be out for a second so who's going to notice...

Neighbour: Morning Chad.

Me: (shit) Hey

Back inside, movie in, back to the computer.

Liam: (running across the kitchen and jumping in my lap) It's the WRONG one! I want the caterpillar one!

Me: (hunched over, face on table because he has jumped on a testicle crushing the possibility of a new brother or sister) ....gasp... cough... give daddy a moment...

Liam: Daddy, why are you crying?

Honey's & Hom's

Hom's, you ask? No, that's ok, you're not supposed to know what that is. It would probably make sense if you were 3 or 5 and reading this, but then, you wouldn't be reading this like you are now and that's why you don't understand.

...........................?

Maybe I should start over. My children, like every one's children everywhere, have their own 'special' language. Things that only they understand. Things that will only make sense in the circle of your own immediate family. Right now, for Connor and Liam, that is honey's and hom's. Everyone in the world, real or fictional, can be divided into a honey or a hom. Honey is fairly self explanatory. They are honey's. Hom's are where things start getting complicated because hom's can be good or bad. I am a hom. Bernadette is a hom. Connor and Liam's cousins Michelle, Mikayla, Dakoda and Josh are all honey's. Wait, Josh (my step brother) is actually their uncle... forget it, long story. So you're probably thinking ah, children are honey's, adults are hom's. Simple. Oh no, nothing is that simple.

Honey's:

1. Connor & Liam
2. Dakoda & Mikayla
3. Josh
4. Michelle
5. Grampa Gordo & Grampa Jerry
6. Auntie Ann
7. Auntie Melanie
8. Uncle Aaron & Auntie Tracy
9. Gary (next door neighbour)

Hom's:

1. Mommy & Daddy
2. Po Po & Gong Gong (grandma & grandpa)
3. Auntie's Lucy, Billy & Dizzy
4. Uncle's Philip & Thadeo
5. Brandon
6. Bad people, bad toys - planes, cars, etc
7. Uncle Craig & Grandma Lynn
8. You
9. Everybody else

Special category: Nana - bunny (don't look at me)

For the most part, hom's are probably people who will discipline them for misbehaving and honey's aren't. For the most part. Or they're just crazy.

**email from home - "cherries with stems are honeys, cherries without stems are homs.....I think. It's ok to eat the homs."

3:10 to Yuma, or Liam's room

3:10 am, wailing from youngest child's room. Enter stage right, punch drunk father.
Me: What's wrong, baby?
Liam: I don't want you to go to work!
Me: ....processing... but honey, it's only Thursday, daddy still has to go to work today.
Liam: (half way through the above sentence) zzzzzzzzz.....

Hmm? Three year old's nightmare or mystic precognition? "Hello? Hi, this is Chad. Ya, listen, I won't be coming in today. No, I'm fine, my son just had a vision last night. No, I'm not sure. He's only 3 and it was early in the morning so it's not like he could really define what he saw, but you know how it is? Ok, sure. See you tomorrow, thanks!"

Wouldn't that be nice? Somehow I just don't see that flying.

Near Earth Objects and Carnivores

In the bathroom last night...

Mommy: Mommy's got meat stuck in her teeth. 'Cause she's a meat eater.
Liam: Mommy's a meteor?
Daddy: No. MEAT EATER.
Mommy: Mommy eats meat.
Liam: I jump.

I Will Not Post My Children on Craigslist. I Will Not Post...

Connor: Daddy! Daddy! Come upstairs and see what we did to the clothes!
Daddy (growing sense of dread): Uh, ok.
Bedroom: Who's cleaning up this mess?

Happy Saturday!

via connor's doodles

Reykjavík

Connor couldn't sleep last night so I while I was lying down with him I suggested he repeat the alphabet over and over. Counting sheep is great, but not so effective when you're five and can't count all that high. He didn't seem to excited by this, not surprising, so I suggested he say the letter and then a word that starts with that letter, just like in pre-school. So, A - apple, B - boy... you get the idea. I got all the way to R and then stopped because I couldn't think of any 5 year old worthy R words and finally blurted out Reykjavík. Well, not the best choice as apparently the capital city of Iceland's name was the funniest thing Connor had EVER heard of. I left him then, hoping he'd get to sleep before midnight.

The Boys, For Auntie Lulu

I had a complaint recently from my sister-in-law Lucia, that there hasn't been enough child related posts lately. My a-POO-logies. It's true though, I haven't. It's been mostly pictures and things I find on the net. What can I say, I'm lazy. It's not like they don't supply a lot of material. Every single day.

Connor: In the last week or so he's begun saying, "What the...?" I guess I know where he got that from. At least he doesn't finish it, which means I don't either. So that's a good thing, right? His whole world revolves around WWII airplanes right now, particularly German ones. I tried to explain to him that these were the bad guys, but in the video games we rent you can choose to fly any plane you want. Guess he just digs the colour scheme. Anyway, he reasoned his way past the whole bad guy thing by deciding we stole the bad guy's plane so it's ok. He knows a startling number of plane names, probably because he spends his days at Grandma and Grampa's watching movies on YouTube. I was going to add he can also pronounce 'Messhersmidt' perfectly, but so can Liam and he's 3. Two and a half months and Connor will be starting kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! WTF? His whole head fit in my hand, like... yesterday.

Liam: Is Liam. He's still his usual cheery bundle of joy and happiness, but it's taken on an edge. When he gets angry now he gets really angry. He's into throwing out threats now too when he's upset like, "you're going to jail(your room)," or "I don't love you as much." On the whole though, Liam is 3 going on 3. He's happy where he is and enjoying every minute of it. He's still not potty trained, but so what. He'll be ready when he's ready, although he now has a deadline which we're trying to make him understand. No peeing in the potty by September, no pre-school. But that's still two months away, and when you've only been alive for 38 months, that's a long time.

Connor MUST sleep with a pair of socks on. It doesn't matter if it's 40 degrees out (104 F), he will freak out if we don't put socks on him before he goes to bed. Liam, as long as he has his two baby penguins and his froggy, is not so OCD. We've had to start some minor brainwashing though. He went through a phase where he would not go to sleep. He'd talk to Connor, not lay down and force his eyes open just to stay up a little longer. Not so pleasant the next day. So we started telling him that if he wasn't quiet the Sleep Fairy would hear him. She would come into his room and make him go to sleep. Think Tinkerbell with her magic wand. I'll think Julia Roberts in that little green skirt from Hook, but you think Disney. Where was I? Oh ya, so it totally worked. Then we added closing his eyes because she would come in to check on him and if his eyes were open she'd know he was still awake. Judge if you will, but if you do, you don't have children and should probably keep your dumb ass opinions to yourself.

Liam and the Lime

Hmm...what's this?

I'll try a bite.

Whoa!

WTF?

Meh, I'll eat it.

Shoes

I'm not going to complain about putting the kids shoes on ever again...



pixdaus

Kellog's Lego Fun Snacks

I would love to know what sick bastard at Kellogs came up with this genius idea. I just spent the first three years of my sons life trying to get him not to eat blocks, and now you're telling him they taste like fucking strawberries. Thanks a lot assholes. Seriously, how in the hell did this ever get past their legal department. You can't tell me that this isn't a lawsuit just waiting to happen. I can only assume that their next product is fruit flavored thumbtacks.

via Penny Arcade

Sunday Morning Cannibalism

It still amazes me how fast you can switch from dead sleep to wide awake and ready to face anything the minute one of your children cries out in their sleep. Granted, some nights I'm stumbling down the hall like a zombie with a belly full of brains, but most times, like last night, instantly awake and ready to combat a night mare, leaking diaper or the forces of evil. Fire! Flood! Famine! Well, fire and flood anyway. Famine? That's a little tougher, but my little monkey's need to eat. We crash land in some remote area and there's no food? Watch your ass, cabron, cause I'll hack it off and eat in a heartbeat if I have to. Your heartbeat. And I'll eat your heart too if need be. I'm just sayin'...

Have a nice Sunday.

A Partial Retraction

The genius child is a picky eater. Getting him to eat anything, unless he's in a pre-growth spurt is...CHALLENGING. Or, unless it's spaghetti carbonara. When he finds out we're having carbonara he turns into a shark that's just smelt blood. He eats it like a 16 year old which is entertaining yet terrifying since he's not yet 5.



Notice the two handed action.

Now, retraction. This child was told in not one, not two, but three different languages (English, Spanish & Swahili) not to touch the pan the spaghetti was in. And yes, smart ass, I can say 'don't touch' in Swahili. I can't spell it, but it sounds like U-See-kamata. Anyway, first thing he does is try to push Liam his bowl as I'm trying to drop spaghetti into it, earning him a hand full of hot pasta. Then he tries to move the pan with the back of his hand. Later, after his sixth bowl of pasta, he slips off the chair he's been standing on and hurts his knee. The chair that he'd been told 12 times to sit in, not stand on.

What can I say, he's his mother's son when it comes to food. Yes, I am going to pay for that dearly when she reads this, but I'm hoping I get a laugh or two out there for my pain.

Don't Make Me Angry, You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry

Yesterday while Bern was watching some movie trailers Connor asked to see the Hulk. She had to do something on the stove so she told him to wait a second and she'd do it when she came back. When she did come back she'd found he'd typed HULK into the URL. Just now he spelt it again on the fridge with some magnetic letters. I don't want to say my kid's a fuckin' genius or anything, but my kid's a fucking genius.

Sunday and Inevitability

I love it when I'm trying to upload photos to Blogger and it takes so long I can't even remember what the fuck I was going to blog about in the first place. And what the hell is with the first picture? It looks great on my computer but like ass here? Whatever, it took so long to upload I'm not going to delete it now.



And speaking of frustration... This is what yesterday started out like. It was a sunny pink and blue flowery kinda morning. Or a Siberian something or other (not Forget Me Nots so shut up with that) and Virginia something something should-have-kept-those-tags kinda morning. Full of promise and hope.



Full of cute children doing cute things. Cute children who were apparently possessed by aliens this week because they were so well behaved and nice their parents did not know what to do with them. Parents who just decided to go with it and enjoy because inevitably it would end.



So then it was off for a pleasant lunch. Mmm, ginger sauce. What would I not eat with a little ginger sauce? Road kill? Nope, I'd eat that too. Plum sauce, meh.



Then inevitability caught up with us and it all went to hell. If you happened to be on Main Street in Vancouver yesterday and were passed by a light blue Caravan full of screaming banshees, we apologize. You probably thought the Hell Mouth had just opened, and you were right. Luckily for you though it was inside a mini-van heading south as fast as the law would permit... and then some. I'd like to say all was well once we reached home, but it wasn't. Some solitary confinement was dealt out, a hand full of Advil was taken and screaming carried on until it just got boring.

Ah, Sunday.

Can I Get An Amen?!

Last Saturday I wrote about Connor's new love for gospel. It's one of those things that needs to be experienced. So, here's Mahalia Jackson, the Edwin Hawkins singers and Connor.


Oh Happy Day! from Zoo Keeper on Vimeo.