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Somedays my 24/7 caregiving responsibilities are quite manageable. Then there are days like yesterday and today that make me wonder "can I continue?" It sure would be nice to take a break but that is not to be.
The current challenge is an old one, Bill can't see. He has macular degeneration. He's legally blind. Yet he insists on doing things like his eyesight was perfect. All he succeeds in doing is making life harder for me and for him. But I can't seem to get through to him. He's stubborn. He always has been.
Yesterday he somehow managed to break the wire to the headphone jack to his portable transistor radio. It was a clean break. For the life of me I can't figure out how he did that but he was lost without his headphones and listening to his radio, the only station of which he can get in clear is the local Fox Propaganda Network. I've warned him if he listens too much to those lies propagated on that Treason Network his brain will turn to mush. He'll be one of those Far Right Zombies. Wouldn't that be nice to care for? But break the wire he did so I ordered a new one from Amazon. But it won't be here until next week. What? They have to get it from China?
Well, we couldn't wait that long so I took him down to the local Walmart. Yes, I fought that Friday night summertime August beach weekend traffic to go to the Rehoboth Beach Walmart to get new headphones for Bill. I had to get the kind with a jack because he can't figure out how to operation the wireless ones. They had one left, $4.97. It works, thank God.
For a backup I bought another set of cheap headphones at Walmart because he will break this one I just bought him and I'm leaving the order into Amazon.
Bill's downstairs vacuum cleaning his bedroom now. He can't see of course what he's vacuum cleaning but he wants to be "doing something." I understand that. Earlier he was calling to me (which I was brushing my teeth) in desperation. I thought "What? Did he fall?" No, he was trying to plug in the light to check if there is a leak near the sewer pipe exit out our bathroom wall. He can't see of course but he's "checking" nonetheless. Now I'm not totally heartless, I know he wants to be "doing something" but all he's succeeding is doing now is making my life more difficult.
HE CAN'T SEE!
For some reason (his stubborness) he refuses to accept that fact. I can understand now why so many inmates of nursing homes spend most of their days drugged with their heads on their chests, sleeping the day away. If Bill was in a nursing home he would be one of the primary candidates for Drug Therapy. Even when I visited him at the rehab facility in Dover, they had him so drugged up that I couldn't understand him and he didn't even know who I was. I asked why they drugged him (which they denied by the way) and they told me "Mr. Kelly sometimes gets agitated." Agitated? That's Bill. If he doesn't get his way.
I do have to admit he has changed somewhat in the year and a half since his strokes and he's home now. And this is where I want him so I can take care of him. I couldn't sleep at night knowing he's in some sterile, heartless "facility", rotting away. I just couldn't do that to him. But I do wish he would work with me a bit here at home while I am caring for him. I don't expect to ever be in the situation that he's in now but if I was and someone was caring for me, I know I would do everything possible to make my caregiver's life easier. But we're all different. Bill is always used to "doing something."
I used to worry, "What if I die before Bill?" I don't worry about that anymore. One less worry. Whatever will be, will be. Things will sort themselves out. One day at a time folks, one day at a time.
5 comments:
I don't have any helpful answers. Just saying to follow your heart.
Ron, I am pretty sure I know exactly what you are going through. It is a very difficult situation and one that even the professionals often have to play it by ear to get through. If only my husband had been more co-operative those last three months the stress would not have damned near killed me. We slept in seperate rooms and when I got up in the morning the kitchen would look like a tornado had run through it. He'd try to eat everythig he wasn't allowed to have and then try to give himself an insulin injection. Often leavening the insulin out on the counter and the refrigerator door wide open. Then of course he;d crap the bed and everything would be a mess. I gave up asking him why because all he would do is cry and say he was sorry. Thankfully the caregivers that took the day shift so that I could run the businesses. The hospice account nurse stopped by to check up on us each week, One Sunday morning she found my husband a mess in his bed and me crying. She held my face in her hands and said that it was time. I said okay and the hospice team arrived in a few hours. He said he hated me for what I was doing, He died ten days later in my arms having never spoken another word to me. The hospice nurse said that it was his way and nohing was going to change it at 85. Your Bill is going to be his own worst enemy and should you go first he is going to regret not being more cooperative and easier on you. Take care of yourself my distant Tipton cousin. Be safe. Be happy. Adieu. PS: Forgive me if I said anything to ofend you.
I know exactly what's you're going through, Ron. As a professional caregiver (RN), I saw so much with what families deal with and with my own family. Being a health care professional didn't always make it easier. Having more knowledge of resources was a benefit. You're doing a commendable job. Those words don't always help when you're in the midst of the war. Taking care of yourself is a huge issue which is not the easiest thing to do under the circumstances.
Use what resources are available to help you get some hours away if that's possible. Thanks for the update on the 'stove'. That 'family business' stuff sounds kind of suspicious with that company. Take care of YOU.
paranormal John
one day at a time remains the best way to do anything. good for you.
Please please please take care of yourself. There are professional people who can come in and help. Besides his eyesight, perhaps there’s some dementia that is keeping Bill from acting responsibly.
Also… it’s September 7. Eleven days without a post. I hope everything is okay with you and Bill..
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