today, deon said that he misses the old bubbly me.

What's the bubbly me, I asked.

These days you're happy for awhile, then you become sad again. I miss the bubbly you. He replied.

It frightens me to hear this because I really don't remember how it was like before to be bubbly. I remember that permanent joy in me. I remember that permanent smile with me.

These day I have too much tears, too much sighs, too much silence.

Aren't I doing what I love? Yes, I love children, but I'm starting to really wonder if this whole teaching thing is for me. More still, I know I dislike the thousandandone other responsibilities and work I have to complete. Not to mention how the efforts are never really recognized or acknowledged.

Zero satisfaction.

Six months is enough to change me into a sad person. What will another 2.5 years do to me, I wonder.

I am hardly breathing these days. I'm suffocating.

Father, will You remind me of my purpose and what You can do through me?

As we grow older, does our regrets grow bigger too?

When i was young, I promised myself to never do something or not do something I will regret. And I've stayed true and never regretted anything till now.

These days I have too many regrets. Too many. So many, I don't know who I am anymore.

Wasted

Sometimes I just selfishly need some quiet time. I'm an extreme introvert. I'm tired, tired and drained through the weeks and months of having to pretend that I love to talk and be around people.

I thought today could be a day I can be me again. Me with a book. Me without words.

Sad is the word to use now.

I wish life was a lot more simpler.

Reality and dreams.

Reality to me, has become more and more suffocating. I don't feel brave enough to live as it is in this life that's too real, too competitive, too much as it is now.

I'm really suffocating. I don't feel the sense of satisfaction about what I am doing anymore. I dislike where I am and doubt myself for what I have become.

I want a dream, I want to dream.

I want to be honest with myself and breathe.

On days like this, I hate what I am doing.

Abba Father, I really, really need a break.