pardon me if i come undone.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

4:26 AM

In the silence of this night, where all I hear is the hypnotic humming of the air conditioning and the gentle pitter patter of fingers on a keyboard a table away from me, all I can think of is us. What about us, exactly? Well, everything.

How we work so well together, how we could never work well together, how we would have been so happy together, how we could at the same time never be together.

Us.

I made it very clear to myself that I wanted to - on my part, at least - end it. To stop thinking about us in that way, and stop thinking about us having any sort of a future together. I made it very evident that it would never happen, and now I've made it so. And truly, there are days when I walk by and even with you and feel nothing more than what I will let myself feel.

But on nights like these, I dig up the past, and un-dam the thoughts I don't let myself think, the things I don't let myself feel and the possibilities I won't - and simply can't - let myself imagine, and I just sit.

I sit.

And I bask in wave after wave of melancholy and yearning that have only these nights to rear their raging selves at me. And at the end of it all - yes, it does end - I take a deep breath, and breathe you and all other beautiful sentimental traces of you out of my heart and my life once again. And just like that, I'm me again.

Now, the bricks get piled back on the dam. As it becomes complete yet again, something else remains quite incomplete.

Everything's back in place, and all is still again. Yes. Until another time,

All is still.

0 blabbs.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

2:21 AM

Hello, my name is Mark, and I'm an Obsessor.

So, this may not come as a surprise for many people but it's only recently just comes to terms with it fully. Well, I've always known this about myself but never thought much about it. I always just laughed it off and never gave it much thought.

But the truth is that in the past week, I've obsessed so much about this new show that I'm addicted to that I've completely disregarded my final exams, I've ignored SMSes, emails, people - everything. My whole world revolves round it. I only sleep at four in the morning, I wake up 12 or 1pm in the afternoon and the first thing I do is wolf down about three episodes before I get up to wash up and get lunch. Then I return, and after watching the show all the way till 4am again, I finally take a shower and head to bed before repeating the same cycle the next day.

Yes, this is terrible. But the worst thing is that this isn't just about the show. It's about everything that I decide to obsess about in my life. If it's Hall Production season, I'm up till 4am obsessing about the script, or the staging or costumes etc and then I wake up again - sometimes I don't even sleep for fear of being unable to wake up the next day - later for a 9am class. I once obsessed myself with finding love, and I literally spent days and nights scouring through my friends pages thinking about how it'd be like with each and every single person. And even when I was out of the room and away from the computer, I'd walk around thinking about who's cute, who's hot, and who's great for me or who I'd be great for, and I'd think of absolutely nothing else.

My middle name should really be 'Obsession' or some cool Spanish or French word to make it more sexy and sophisticated. Ugh I could puke at myself right now.

My obsessive nature is ruining my life. If I don't cut it out, I will ruin so many great things in my life. My fire for things ignite so quickly but also die in a flash as well. The only things that haven't died (so far) (thankfully) is love for theatre, advertising and hairstyling.

I've always lived by a principle in relationships - believed la. saying 'lived by' misleadingly makes me sound like I've BEEN in a relationship before - that 'Nothing that starts in a flash ever lasts.' Perhaps I should apply the same principle to life.

This whole tunnel-vision obsession of mine is absolutely destructive. I shall change.

(and yet at the end of this post, when I hit the 'Publish Post' button, I am going to watch my already-buffered show. Despicable me? Oh yes indeed.)

1 blabbs.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

12:02 PM

Don't you just love how Facebook Notes has become the new blogspot/typepress/wordpress blog?

I don't. I'm just not the kind of person who writes something out for it to be read. For sure, when we blog, a small part of us is prepared for it to be read by someone else. But blogs are like more passive because if no one cares about you, and no one looks your blog up, your thoughts are essentially a secret. Facebook Notes however, audaciously shoves itself in people's newsfeeds (or face) and forces people to read them. That isn't my style. If I don't come up to random people and spill my guts out in real life, you can be sure that even in the virtual world, I'd keep my thoughts to be discovered by people who truly care and appreciate me - which at this point, I'm pretty sure, is no one.

So yes. In response to everything that's going on right now, and everything that isn't going on between you and me, I'd just like to say that I've spent too much faith, hope and the risk is getting to me. There is only so much that I can give without you reciprocating. Yes I understand that you have issues as well, but it's not as if I haven't tried communicating with you throughout it all. If a random person were to repeatedly brush me away despite my concern for them, I'd just walk away - a little confused, a little frustrated, but otherwise alright. But you. I've stood at your door and have waited there despite you closing the door on me every single time. And it's not as if you slam the door on me - which is fine because that'd annoy me and give me something to be angry about and eventually I'd cease to care - you always close the door on me slowly, and at times you don't even answer the door. Worst of all, sometimes you open it, let me in and then push me out two seconds after. How much of this can any one person take? How much can I take?

I can't say that I love you, but I can admit that I really do care about you. But even I, and all the sacrifices I'm willing to - and have made for you - have a limit to how much pounding I can take. And even though I say here and now that I'm walking away from this, you know that I'm still always here for you, and will always be waiting for you.

You know, I've always been the type to wait for people to make the first move. It was a tactical thing, to sit back and decide what the person was doing before reacting accordingly. If I deemed someone as being false or unworthy, I would either not reciprocate or would let the person down gently. But with you, I was different. I intentionally made the first move, and I put myself out there completely naked and completely at your disposal. And I don't do this for many people. Ever. Surely you can imagine how much you mean to me for me to do such a thing to myself, for you.

I don't want you to think that you don't deserve this kind of love. That's rubbish because I never waste my emotions and my care for anyone who doesn't deserve it. I just want you to pick up the courage to actually make a move. Do something for a change. If I mean anything at all to you, you'd do something to salvage this, because - for the lack of a better expression - the ball's now in your court.

I'm a sentimental guy. I've never really ever stopped loving anyone that I've ever truly cherished or who've had a truly great impact on me. You are no exception.

0 blabbs.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

2:26 AM

So Selena's I Could Fall In Love With You has been on repeat for the last half an hour and for some reason, I'm swaying and mouthing the words silently if only to keep from waking my roomie. I'm not in love with anyone- God no I could never say the world love. But I am in love with someone. Not anyone in particular, but many people. No I'm not a whore or anything. Hear me out.

I don't know if this is strange, but I'm in love with all the little things in many different people around me. The little personality traits, the little habits, the smiles, the beautiful looks, the way some of them treat and take care of me- all things that I could fall in love with in a person. All the things that make me melt. This isn't the first time that this has happened to me. I've been feeling this way for many months now and well, I can never fully love someone because there's always the deal-breaker. And so I'm in love with so many people, and in my mind, I'm in a relationship with each and every one of them for short moments at a time.

Yeah if you didn't think I was crazy earlier, I'm sure you'd think otherwise right now. Fine, but I can't help it.

I'm looking for the perfect partner, and sometimes I just wished I could order my perfect companion the way I order my Subway Sandwich.

1 blabbs.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

11:11 PM

So this whole possibility of going on for exchange to the US has made me very much proud to be a Singaporean. I really do want to be an ambassador for Singapore and show the world all that our tiny little island has to offer. I want to speak in whatever broken Singlish I can muster, and I want to be proud of my love for chilli, and flaunt whatever little cantonese and mandarin I can as well. Yes, Singapore isn't perfect, but it comes pretty darn close in my heart. And with this little benefits thing coming along (what exactly it is I don't really know- hurray for ignorant youth!) the reasons to love Singapore just keep piling on.

An additional note is on how one hour of youtubing Singapore national day songs of the past decade has made me realise how the names Stephanie Sun and Kit Chan have become synonymous with Singaporean pride- with three and four time appearances in national day songs, respectively. Not everyone can understand how it feels like to not just be a Singaporean, but a proud Singaporean as well. You've just got to experience it and come to your own conclusion yourself.

Damn straight I'm proud to be a Singaporean- and I didn't even need to do NS to be.

0 blabbs.

Friday, February 11, 2011

11:37 PM

It's very commonly said that 'when one door closes, another opens'. And true to that, many doors have closed, and many other doors have opened for me as a result. Like how if I hadn't turned down GIP Vietnam, I wouldn't have have had the chance to work with the amazing group of people that is my CI Club. That's just one of the many doors that have opened up as a result of the few others that closed. But no. Today I'm not talking about the things that we gain as a result of the things we've lost. Today I want to ask why some relationships have to die - or at least ween - in order for new relationships to grow.

The thought started when a friend recently got attached, and since then, it's been difficult even just seeing this friend- let alone talking to this friend. That bugged me for a bit, but then I kind of thought about how my own relationships with my old friends waned with the flourishing of my new friendships, and I kind of noticed the trend. Carrie and the girls from Sex and The City constantly talk about never wanting to turn into 'those kinds of people' who disappear the moment they get attached, and I too made that promise (less glamorously, and amidst less champagne) to myself many years ago. We bitch about our disdain for our attached friends because our slight envy at them kind of makes everything more obvious and fun to bitch about, but the truth is that it happens to all of us. Not just in intimate relationships, but even in mere friendships.

Relationships are difficult. They are difficult to start, and all of them are very difficult to maintain. Hell it takes a hell lot of energy and drive to make really important relationships last. And honestly, I am of the opinion that if we were to try to make all of our relationships work out at the same level, we'd be left with a bunch of unfulfilling, superficial relationships.

So yes, the girls from Sex and The City have it right. It's hard to preserve all your relationships, so why not just stick to the people who mean the most to you. And only when you're stable and confident that you have enough of you to share with a life partner, should you go out and find a mate.

I guess when it comes to that friend of mine and me, it's just gonna take alot of work to keep our friendship strong. That, or I'd better start getting comfortable with the idea of not having that friend in my life.

0 blabbs.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

4:17 AM

Well, here I am. Almost an entire year away from the very place that I used to call home. There were some great times back in my old-but-not-as-old-as-this-blog tumblr, but that was mostly because of my somewhat overactive Twitter account. It's funny how we drop everything that was once familiar to us at the drop of a hat and all for the prospect of something new and hopefully better. Yet at the end of the day, here we are exactly where we once were when we first started out- glad and thankful that nothing has changed since we'd left.

I haven't blogged in almost a year. To put it more cruelly, I'm four short days from a full 365 days since I last blogged on my blogspot account. I miss this familiarity and the home that I'd built. I miss everything about my current account. The familiar black background, the familiar formatting, the fonts that were ripped from some poor designer years ago, and a picture that I'd painstakingly uploaded and formatted into the layout. It's familiar, it's cosy, it's home, and come to think about it, maybe 361 days ago I was too eager to leave for allegedly greener pastures. Too eager to leave behind a past I wasn't proud of; too eager to pretend like all the horror stories of my past weren't true; too eager to hope for a better, brighter future. Not all bad things, but definitely not good either. But anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself with all this self-bashing.

Now, in the spirit of the festive Chinese New Year celebrations (which most of my loyal, long time readers would recall is one of the least favourite holidays), I've decided to do a little spring cleaning of my own. However, not in terms of my room - since I haven't lived in my room in over a year - but in terms of my blog. Yes, I am going to post up another image of myself in the spirit of change. A little change - I might add - since I've changed so much in the past year and it's only fitting that my blog change - slightly - as well.

Heh, well look at me. From being so eager to seek and embrace change, to suddenly becoming a great conservative of change. But I guess everything in its time. Small changes at a time.

Alright now that this first entry is done, I shall scrub up and head to bed. Chinese New Year reunion dinner is tomorrow and I don't think that dark eye circles would go well with my as-yet unplanned frumpy outfit. I shall blog more (and by 'blog', I of course mean 'bitch) about the holiday in the days to come. Till then, feel free to follow me at @markmarkcheng on twitter.

Like it or not, I'm back and I'm not going anywhere and you have Carrie and the other fabulous girls from Sex And The City to thank.

-MC

0 blabbs.