Three years

This time three years ago, I was in route from Cartersville Medical Center to Northside Hospital in Atlanta via ambulance. My youngest son, Matthew, was born today. Born into sickness and pain and uncertainty. I look back at my first born son's birthday and think of that day with such fond memories, immediately thrown back into the warm fuzzies and feelings of awe and wonder as we became parents for the first time. No one can describe that feeling until you feel it - seeing your first child born - wow!
Once I found out I was pregnant with our second child, I was over the moon. I couldn't wait to decorate the nursery, look through baby names and see how William reacted to my growing belly. Well, we didn't get the nursery painted and ready until Matthew was already 6 weeks old. I looked up names with special meanings that would "look good" on a grave marker. I had to get help from the doctors to have a "baby bump" showing in my belly. This pregnancy that I was excited so excited about did NOT turn out how I had expected. Being told terminate your pregnancy by three different doctors and even told by "well-meaning" family and friends that "maybe it just wasn't meant to be - don't intervene too much, God will heal him in heaven", it just strengthened my resolve to get Matthew here alive.
Then he arrived. I didn't feel the joy and peace I had felt with William. I feel sad to admit that. :( I felt relief I got him here alive. I felt grateful he was in good hands with the hospital staff. And I felt scared about the medical procedures, tests and surgeries he was facing his first few days of life - nearly 2 months before he was even supposed to arrive.
I met Matthew via a polaroid picture. The doctors telling me all his lab, ultrasound and intervention results. I had no clue what they were saying - it was a different language to me at the time. His lungs were small, his bladder was huge, and his kidney didn't function even a small percentage. I cried; I cried until I met him face to face the following day when he was on his way to a more intensive care NICU that could handle his needs. I saw him and all the torment that was bottled up inside started to dissipate.
He was here. He had made it. And I would make sure I gave him his re-birthday. A day to be born again into health. I would make sure I fixed whatever I had messed up when I was making him in my body. I know I'm told often it wasn't me...but I still can't shake that. I still feel tremendous amounts of guilt of what he has endured because my body failed me, failed him. But now he has his re-birthday; his new kidney; his new life. And we are able to celebrate three years with our son. Three years that started off with so much anxiety and now filled with so much happiness.
Happy birthday to my Matthew. My heart and soul. My miracle. My precious, strong fighter.

Time flies

This 4D ultrasound was taken just two days before Matthew was born. It was taken about 9 weeks before I was really supposed to see him. Surprise!
Two years ago, Ian and I got up at 4:30 am and got ready to head out to Northside Hospital in Atlanta. We had a 6am appointment time, even though they don't open until 8am normally. (yeah, me and my MFM were tight like that) ;) He usually only worked at the Atlanta office on Monday's and Friday's, but it was a Tuesday and baby boy needed some fluid (even though I had just had some on the Friday before - he was a little fish). So Dr Gomez came down and opened up just for us.
I've described infusions before - they are not fun, but they are SO rewarding. I just LOVED seeing Matthew go from no fluid to LOTS of fluid. You could almost hear the chuckles and see the smiles of happiness on the ultrasound. How he would reach out his hand or kick with his feet to the needle where the fluid was pouring in from. You could see his little hands waving back and forth to make bubbles. You could watch the shunts he had pulled out at various times post-surgeries float up and around my uterus...sigh.
That morning Dr Gomez was playing his Rolling Stones cd. Matthew was enjoying it and "dancing" away. Whenever we need to do something close to him or the umbilical cord, we had to turn down the music so he would be still. :) And sure enough, about 5 seconds after the music stopped - so would he. It was like he got quiet to listen to see where it had gone. :)
For our early morning wake up call, Dr Gomez ordered us breakfast while I was on the monitor for 30 minutes. I was having contractions. I had them a lot the last week of the infusions. Of course I had three infusions in 7 days - so that might have had something to do with it too. ;) More meds to stop them, yummy breakfast, apologies to Dr Gomez as he called Northside satellite office in Alpharetta. It was already 8:15 and he obviously wasn't there... Infusion took a lot longer to do once Matthew as past the 28 week. He used up his fluid so much faster after having received his steriod shots. They said that was how it was supposed to be as he was practicing his breathing more frequently. He was bigger, there was less room to place the needle without causing damage to the cord, the baby or the placenta. So instead of it taking an hour, it would sometimes take upwards to two. Especially that last when I was having contractions that pushed the needle out - causing them to re-sterilize my tummy, get a new needle and find a new place to begin again.
Lisa, our favorite ultrasound tech, sprung me loose after receiving Viki's blessing that the contractions were slowing down. Down the hallway to a room I hadn't been in yet, I'd been in most! It was the FUN room. The 4D ultrasound room. Lisa spent half an hour giving us picture after picture of our little guy. He was gorgeous. Looked like a doll. I was SO excited to meet him. Little did I know it would only be 48 hours away.
But that's another story...
Thank you to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department at Northside Atlanta. Without your steady hands, your genuine concern and your willingness to put up with my bad jokes (and my laughing and shaking belly while you are trying to operate) Matthew's birth was filled with hope. The hope that pushed me to keep pushing for him.

One week ago...

I became a mom for the second time! I received my little 4 lb gift 8 and a half weeks early, but one look at that tiny face makes all the hardships to come worth it! I'm slowly recovering from my emergency c-section, but keep over doing it in favor of visiting with my little miracle that is an hour away in an isolette at Scottish Rite children's hospital in Atlanta. Been very sore and busy this past week. And I'm off to pump some good stuff for my baby boy, Matthew Ian. Can't post too much for now, but I'll be back as soon as possible.
Here's a link to his birth story from a baby site I journal on for him to read one day: http://www.babycrowd.com/jr/online/krfm2003/

Please keep my precious bundle of joy in your prayers. We have a long road ahead of us, but have come a long way already.

Snapshot Sunday

For today snapshot, I was planning on using the incredible 3D image we received of our little son Matthew on Friday. We had to have two infusion in less than 48 hours this week due to complications during the infusion process on Wednesday...which I'm still bruised from. :( But for our efforts (and for getting up at 4:30am to beat Atlanta rush hour) we were given permission to get a 3D sneak peak at our little stinker. He looks NOTHING like his older brother, but is still just as gorgeous. Maybe I'll post it after he is born as a comparrison between in utero and out!
But yesterday we had an exciting day. I was having contractions through out the day like I usually do after repeated procedures like those...no biggee. But then I started to feel crampy and nauseous. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Not bright red and in copious amounts thank the Lord...I would have been hysterical! But I had passed my muscus plug. (I know...TMI!!!) When I did that with William, my water broke just a minute after and an hour after contractions were coming every 3 minutes. So, needless to say, I kind of over-reacted and FREAKED! We called both our high risk doctors and our normal OB. They both told us to come in for monitoring just to check if I was dialating. So, I get on the phone and call the family brigade out to watch William. Ian's dad, who is just five minutes down the road, and my mother. Ian's dad to stay with William if I'm admitted, my mother to be with me incase they say "it's time". I have already requested to have both hubby and my momma in the OR room.
When get there and get all hooked up. Little Matthew is doing wonderful. I'm having definite contractions, but they aren't in any pattern and after a quick check (ouch!) they see I have not dialated any...but have begun to efface.
They send me home with explicit instructions of do NOTHING, but drink lots, rest lots and urinate lots! If I have more than 5 contractions (with or without a pattern) in an hour come in immediately. So we are home, crossing fingers (and legs) that we haven't done too much too soon with those procedures back to back. I go see my OB on Monday to be checked again (looking forward to that...sarcasm dripping off the keyboard!) and then in for an ultrasound, tap and infusion on Tuesday with my perinatologists. If they think it is too risky, I'll just be admitted and monitored for no fluid and cord compression.
So with all of this going on, I just wanted to bring out some awareness of preterm labor and premature babies. Things have come such a long way and it's not the death sentence it used to be, but these little babies need more love and support than full term babies. Please say a prayer for all the families and babies going through this roller coaster ride. Thanks!

I've moved...again!

Man...I thought you moved a lot in the military...which we did. But at least we had longer stints of time in places. We haven't even settled into our home that we bought back in February, only for me to have a new address: Northside Hospital Atlanta, High Risk Unit, room 100. Yeah boy! Needless to say, I've not been as excited about this move...but am more grateful than can be said. I'm so happy they are helping my son even before he is born. I love our doctors, nurses and techs!! They rock.
But needless to say, I'm pretty much on continuous monitoring and getting poked and prodded quite a bit, so I won't be blogging all that much from now on until Matthew arrives. (which could be an hour from now up to three weeks). They will schedule a c-section for the first of June when I am around 31 -32 weeks. They say the risks of prematurity will be less than the risk of keeping him in with absolutely NO fluid. Yep, the infusion failed. :(
So now it's just a wait and see. I'll be back as often as possible.
I want to say a little prayer of Thanksgiving to my friend from Liz and her daughter Claire. I am SO happy for them and proud of mommy!! Great job. I've read the blogs, just haven't had a lot of time to post...but wanted you to know that I did read them. :) Thanks for your prayers for us. Hopefully I can keep little munchkin in a while longer. Vitals time...tata for now!