So my sisters want me to talk about how my life was changed when they were born so here is my blog Regrets. I'm just kidding girls. I must say that I don't really remember how my life changed when Tara was born because I was all of 2 years old. Sheena, I was 5, remember very little. Miranda, however, I was 10 and I can remember when she was born. I can remember coming home from school one day and there was a balloon tied to the railing at the top of the stairs. Mom was there to sit us down and give us the good news. I don't remember how I reacted but I did hope that I would be getting a brother. The pregnancy is a blur but I remember the day of her birth. We went to the hospital and I remember sitting in the waiting room playing with my color changing Toyota MR2 Hotwheel waiting for Miranda to show her face. Even though mom and dad had told us it was a girl I still had hope that the doctors were wrong and that she would be a boy. Dad came out and told us that she was born and to come say hi. I walked in the room and said,"boy or girl?" Mom said girl and I said,"no way." I had to be shown before I would believe that I was blessed by yet another sister. Now this isn't a regret because I went on to make sure she was fully a tom-boy so that I could pass her off as a brother. She was tough, liked video games, watched the same movies I liked and listened to the same music as I did. We shared a bedroom for a couple years until Dad finished the basement and Tara and Sheena moved downstairs and Miranda and I got our own rooms. Now to get to the part that is a regret. I started dating when I was 15. I went to my first dance when I was 15. From then on it was all about girls for me. I let slip my relationship with Miranda. Tara and Sheena never really had the same relationship with me because they were closer in age to me and had their own friends and their own things going on. Miranda I got to help raise. I changed her diaper, I helped feed her, I babysat her, I got her dressed and we played all the time. Chauntay reminds me a lot of how Miranda acted towards me. We were buddies. She even liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She would rather play Legos with me than Barbies with the girls any day. And how rare was it in the early nineties for a girl to play video games that didn't involve My Little Pony? So my regret was that after the world of dating opened up to me I didn't hang around the house as much. I was going out on dates and staying out all night. I was gone all weekend and when I was home I was on the phone with girls for hours at a time. I didn't continue to cultivate our relationship and I think that helped to shape who she is today. I wish I would have made a better attempt to hang out with her more and maybe both of us wouldn't have gotten in trouble as much as we did.
So regrets. I don't have many of them but there are a few. I wish I could have served a mission. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and my family but if it weren't for Jacob coming around I might have been able to go on a mission. I know it was my choices that led to Jacob coming around and I regret missing that opportunity but I wouldn't give him up for the world. Cheryl and I have been married for almost 12 years now. We are happier now than we have been in a while. We have a great relationship. We support each other and we're there for each other. I love her more now than when we first got married. I don't regret getting married when we did. Under the circumstances it was the right decision. I had to step up and be responsible for my choices and I did. Our lives became one and we were now working toward making a family that would be raised right.
School is a regret I have. Not that I haven't been going to school but I wish I would have gone to school when I first applied. I wouldn't have forgotten everything I learned in high school. I wouldn't have had to take lower classes to catch up to where I needed to be. I could have been done much quicker. I also wouldn't have had to work at the hospital. I believe that this is where my problems with depression started. I was working with unhappy people that included the patients and staff. On top of that I started having back problems. I couldn't perform the job as well as I had at first and so the one person who I thought I could trust to work with went behind my back and complained about me. She actually lied about me to the supervisor to try and get rid of me from the unit. By the way, they were good friends so that was real fair to begin with. It didn't work. I got a slap on the wrist and I left for back surgery with no intention of going back to work there. After that surgery I was out of work for 8 months. My depression just got worse. I blame all of it on my choice to work at the hospital. I had hoped that working there would be a great stepping stone on my way to medical school and a career in medicine. Working there also changed my mind about my future in medicine. I don't want one now. There was too much in the way of politics going on there. I wanted to help people but in that environment you just can't. You can only do what you can do before the administration kicks them out on their ass and says good luck. So that was a regret.
I feel better now about my mental health. I'm not as angry as I used to be. I listen to less political talk radio now which helps. Politicians piss me off. I have many pills I have to take now that help me control myself. I don't regret much as I said before but my life's not over. I'm sure there will be plenty more for me to regret later on in life. After all, my kids aren't teenagers yet. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
Thanks for reading.
