So I'm running on 1.5 hours of sleep. I stayed up all night long working on the coding/linking of the site and just as I slipped into bed, Bradley greeted me and asked for Breakfast. Bummer! I honestly think these are the biggest bags I've ever had under my eyes. Lucky for me it's sunny weather outside, so I can rock sunglasses.

We are now done with 80% of the site and I can tell these last 2 days are going to be a mad dash to get everything perfect. I'm pretty sure it's my fault for making the work load so heavy, but I really want it to be da bomb before we show it to the world. Hey, so do you want another sneak peek?

What's a blog party without a ton of giveaways?!
When I first started working on the book, I had a lot of product donated to me and it made making the book feel like a picnic in the park. In fact I felt spoiled..almost like I was a 5 years old on Christmas morning. Once the book was finished, I contacted all the same companies and they were once again good to me... and now you ;)




Here is the giveaway line up this next week:
GCD Studios, Fiskars, American Crafts, Crate Paper, Studio Calico, My Mind’s Eye, Craft Junction, October Afternoon, Technique Tuesday AND let me tell you... they are all NEW collections and tools.


Some of you have already bought the online book and I'm dying to know what you think! Please do share a comment and let me know. For those that are waiting for the book, here is another sneak peek. This layout is one of my favorites in the book. It might be because Calvin is on it and he has the world's greatest chubby kissable cheeks.

Surprise! It's an early sneak peek of my alphabet chapter. Out of all the chapters in the book, this one is my favorite. I challenged myself to make a layout for every letter in the alphabet and it wasn't easy. When I got to Mm I thought "I don't know if I'll make it", but I pushed on and made it all the way to Zz. Each letter represents something different... from a technique, to a theme or a design. Xx was a tricky one until I figured out that I could do cross stitching for it. Yeah I know it's kinda cheating, but really... what works for X other than that?! haha



In about two weeks I'll show a real easy way to create this look, in a class and how to stay in form.


And if you haven't heard... you can now pre-order the book. The first batch of pre orders are going fast, so make sure to get it now. That way it won't be on back order for you. Before I go I wanted to thank everyone for their support and friendship. It means so much to me and I'm pretty sure this is why I love the scrapbook world so much. A whole lot of sisterhood.

We spent the weekend tending to our check list and I'm happy to say "we finally started our spring cleaning"! Oh man... the amount of dust we found was scary! We vacuumed in corners and organized piles from the last 4 months. The best part was, we only got to the front room and the boy's room. Being on bed rest for 3 weeks caused our house to look like a bomb went off in it and even though the boys hated cleaning, I enjoyed the smell of a dust free room and cleaning products. Sure there are more corners I need to get to, but at least we got 2 rooms completely done. Oh and we finally pushed the hutch into place. That thing has to way at least 2 hundred pounds!

The other item on our list : Finish Building My New Site

So to help us all heal, we have been packing our week with magical family moments. Visiting the surf and sand...was a perfect spontaneous moment and with normal clothes on, we played in the wave and then built a sand castle. When we put the finishing touches on the castle, we waited for the shore to fill the moat and when it did... we were so excited. There were only a few people at the beach, so we felt like kings and were able to just be goofy.

Later that night when Calvin was asked to bless the food, he asked in prayer that "mommy would have another baby soon and that it won't die. That the baby won't take long to grow". All his prayers have this same theme and longing to be a big brother. Yes it was the perfect day at the beach filled with laughter and joy, but we all have this aching lingering in our hearts and it's not that we are trying to ignore it... but to just deal with it. That part hurts too.

So today. Today I can breathe and it feels nice. We all seem to hug each other a little tighter and longer, since the big loss. That even though the baby isn't with us any more, we are all so much closer.

Oh man... this is ANOTHER "were do I begin??!" story, but I think you'll like it. So I thought I would share it with all my "struggling to lose weight" pals out there.

It had only been one week (from when I delivered our sweet 2 month old baby at home), as I stepped into a Weight Watchers meeting. I told Mr. Sonboul the night before "I want to get right back on the weight loss band wagon, so that I can continue to lose weight and to get healthy for the next pregnancy". However, even with all this motivation pumping through my chubby girls veins .. I had no idea how emotional it would be going back.

I walked into an 8:30am Sat meeting and was greeted by a very sweet women at the weigh in counter. She said "Are you new to WW?" and I said "no I'm returning and just trying to get back on track". I was trying to not tell her or anyone there that I had a miscarriage, but it was becoming harder and harder by the moment. The meeting started and I realized that WW had a "newer" system and so I should probably stay for the extra meeting after the weekly meeting. The WW leader leading the meeting noticed me and said "oh hello. I know I know you". In which I said " I was going to the Wednesday meetings with Danielle and after taking a little break, thought I'd try a Saturday meeting".  She then said "Oh did you hear... Danielle is pregnant? Isn't that so fun?! I'm now taking over for her on the Wed meetings".

By this point the tears started to swell up in my eyes, as I tried not to cry. Later on the second meeting started and I realized that not much had changed with the program... just a little bit here and there was different. If you remember before I got preggo, I was kicking butt on WW and was almost at my 10% within 2 months. In the middle of the meeting the leader said "you seemed like you know a lot about WW". Which forced me to say "Well, I was almost at my 10% and then I got pregnant, but sadly I had a miscarriage and now I'm back here". Her face looked heart broken for me and then she said "I'm so sorry Heidi. When did you have the miscarriage"? and I said "It was one week ago. I just really want to lose more weight, so I can make sure my next pregnancy is the healthiest ever". Everyone in the meeting looked down at the floor not knowing what to say and then they looked at me... how everyone has been looking at me. Wishing they could find the right words to comfort me in this horrible loss. Everyone was sweet to me, but it made it that much harder to not cry.

It was one of the 2nd most hardest moments of this whole experience,  but I made it through. I found out that I'm at 294.4 and that even though I was almost at my 10%, I have to start all over because I'm reweighing in. It's okay... it's just another goal for me to hit. From the last time I weighed in at WW I was 285. something. So I've gained around 10 months from Jan- now, which is fine. As I left the meeting, I got in my car and I started to cry for 2 reasons.
1. I really missed the baby and wished I hadn't miscarriaged.
2. I was proud of myself.! The old fassy girl in me would normally go back to emotional eating and I just couldn't allow myself to be that person anymore! That somehow... I've rewritten my bad habits, which is a miracle!

Where do I start other than... my heart is broken.

Last Monday I was just too busy and it caused me to have a tear in the placenta and my uterus. Which you can read about here. I was put on bed rest and even though I hated every moment of it, I did as asked and stayed down. On Thursday (3/28/13) at 6:30pm my mom, dad, Mr. Sonboul and the boys, all took off to see the science fair projects at the school. While they were gone I was to take a nap, but about 10 minutes after they left I felt a sharp pain in my back. Something I didn't experiences on Monday. I knew what it meant and I went to the bathroom. There was even more blood than on Monday.

I rushed to the phone and called Mr.Sonboul and said with tears running down my face "I'm bleeding again". They all rushed home and off he and I went to the ER again, for the second time in one week. I called my BFF and she met us there. The check-in was awful and I tried to not cry in the waiting room. They took me in for my 3rd vaginal ultrasound in 1 week and it hurt SO bad. I tried to be tough, but the blood running down my legs humiliated me and I just broke down. The girl doing the test was cold and I could tell... there wasn't a heart beat anymore and that her coldness, was her trying not to reveal any info.  I was then wheeled back into the waiting room and after a long wait (almost 2 hours total from check-in to the ER room), I was finally taken in. Seeing the room we got and knowing how long the doctor was taking... I knew the baby had died.

The Doctor finally walked in (which he was a lovely man), gently put his hand on my knee and said "I'm so sorry Mrs. Sonboul, but there isn't a heart beat anymore and the baby has passed away". Hearing those words were the most crushing words I have ever heard. I curled up into a ball and sobbed. I stopped paying attention to the time and with Mr. Sonboul's arms wrapped around me, I let it all out. Mira (my bff), Mr. Sonboul and I all sobbed. I felt like I couldn't breath and I felt like I let my baby down. The phone in the room rang and it was the doctor on call (for my doctor out of town). I heard the Doctor attending to us in the ER say "She isn't ready yet. She is still mourning, can you please call back in 15 minutes". 

When I calmed down, the very kind ER doctor talked about our options and after hearing them, I decided to go home to pass the baby naturally. We got home at 2am (Friday) and right after my parents left, Bradley and Calvin woke up. We shared the terrible news and we all cried together as a family for about an hour. Calvin took it the hardest, because he wanted to be a big brother SO bad. We hugged each other and then went to bed. 

As heart broken as I am, I have to explain that I felt comforted. It's almost as if our Father in Heaven was preparing me for this moment my whole life and especially over this last month. 

• That as a teen I thought "I wonder which family member will have a miscarriage"...being that we have so many nieces and nephews and no one had ever had one (Which is a weird thought for a teen). 
• That earlier this month I felt that something big was coming and I wanted to make sure I had all the items we needed for Easter. I went and bought all the chocolate bunnies and treats, which is something I ALWAYS leave to the last minute. 
• That I thought to record the ultra sound on my phone (on Monday) of the babies heat beat, right before it all went down. 
• That 2 Sundays ago I had two VERY close friends experience what I went through "on the same day". One had an issue with a tear in the placenta and uterus, and the other had a miscarriage. At the time I thought "that is so weird to have two friends have this happen on the same day". I even said out loud "It's almost like Heavenly Father is trying to warn me or prepare me".

We let the boys play hooky on Friday and we just took it easy. We spent a lot of time snuggling and crying. It was just the way I wanted it to be. Later that night we said "good night" to the boys and around 8:30pm I felt the sharpest pain in my back! For the next 3 hours I was in labor...at home and stupid us... we didn't get the pain killers filled! It was all back labor and no matter how hard I tried to be tough, each contraction took my breath away. Mr. Sonboul stayed by my side and rubbed my back the whole time. Seeing his heart broken face, made me cry even more. I could tell he was trying to be brave, but was hurting for me. I passed a lot of "stuff", but little did I know... it was no where near over. Saturday night came and I was back in labor again! This time we had the pain killers, but the pain was so bad... I felt it through the meds. At 11pm on Saturday night I had one last BIG contraction and the baby came out. The most crushing part was that I had to pass the baby on the toilet and flush it like a dead fish. I know that the tiny spirit was gone, but it still hurt so bad doing it this way and the next morning I passed the placenta.

It's hard to describe these feelings and everyone that experiences a miscarriage has a different story. What I do know is that I'm not angry. Even though I feel crushed right now... I feel the spirit so strong. That even in that last push and contraction, I felt comforted. I know 100% that our Father has a plan and even if I can't 100% understand it, his spirit was with me the whole time. I miss the baby and I loved the baby. It loved warm food, hated fast food, loved sleeping and taking naps (these were all my pregnancy symptoms with the baby). It was most likely going to have the softest skin ever, because it dried the heck out of my skin! All the Chinese gender charts said it was going to be another boy and the best part...Before I miscarried (early on Thursday morning while laying still on the couch), I felt it move. It was a small little flutter that was almost like a little "hello". It wasn't gas... it was the baby. It was almost as if Heavenly Father was allowing me to say "hello", before the big goodbye. It is a moment I'll never forget. It was a perfect and sweet moment...just what I needed to endure all the pain.

Now to all my dear family and friends. THANK YOU for all the beautiful flowers from across the country and all the sweet heart warming letters, thoughts and calls. Thank you for feeding our family, so that Mr. Sonboul can tend to the boys. As I laid heart broken in bed, I would read those comments and experiences and I found comfort in them. THANK YOU to my mom and dad who practically picked up my falling apart life and held it together. For helping the boys with homework and taking them to and from school. For making our favorite meals, cleaning our home and keeping me down. For watching the boys while we were in the ER. THANK YOU Bradley and Calvin for all the hugs and kisses. You always know how to make mommy feel better. THANK YOU Mr. Sonboul for loving me and creating this life with me. For not leaving my side as we said goodbye and holding me at night and in the saddest moments of all.

I don't know how long I'll feel like the world is spinning around me, but each day is getting better. I truly do know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for this tiny spirits that left us too soon. I am grateful for the comfort I received in such an awful loss. I am grateful for being a family that is sealed together forever. I am grateful for this tender baby who we will always remember.

~H

It was the most perfect day to take pictures! My hair issue ending up working out and I went with a  medium/light brown.  My sweet niece Abbie came along to be my assistant and to help step up the shots. She was the best helper and being able to hang out with her the whole day was amazing. After dropping the boys off at school, we met up with Stacee at the pier. Right away I LOVED her sunny disposition and laugh. She was such an amazing photographer and easy to work with. We started off down in the sand, next to the waves. We got a lot of funny looks taking my bike down there, because who takes their bike down to the waves? All the time I spent planning out the props for each set, turned out great and helped us use the time wisely. I even changed on the street... to save time. I guess all the years growing up at the beach and changing at my car helped. Don't worry no one saw anything, other than me pulling pants on under a skirt. Towards the end of the shoot we stopped and got lemonade, which was delightful! 



So here is a sneak peek of the shoot with Stacee. She takes the best sunlit photos. All in all, it was SUCH a fun day spent with people I adore. If you live local to me... book Stacee. I'm telling you, she is a joy to work with!

After getting ready for church, I decided to embrace my fassy (Fat+Sassy) curves and had Mr. Sonboul take a couple pictures of me. Whenever I dress myself, I look for clothes that fit my body well...being that I'm in a size 18 right now. If I wear a baggy top, I use a belt to show my waist and I wear a long skirt to make me look taller and thinner. They are silly tips, but they totally work.



Now let me address the hair color. Oh man, it's a little TOO orange! Going lighter backfired a little and I had to reschedule the photo shoot of the cover. I moved it to this Thursday, which will give me enough time to fix the "orange hair" issue. If you look closely you can see all the different shades of color. It's a normal thing with curly hair. The curls make pockets and the color sits in them. This is why I do my own hair coloring. I know what to expect.

So today I will fix the hair issue and hope for the best. Oh the joy of having natural curly hair.

For years I've been worried about posting full body shots on this blog and on FB. The facts are, motherhood and stress have filled me out in the middle and then some. Yes... I'm still working on my weight loss journey and I long to put on a size 10 again, but why should I hide who I am right now?

I often do my head shots from the chest up, but never any full body shots and I know I'm not the only one out there who does this! I have gone to CHA for 6 years in a row. Every time I go and meet someone new, I think "Oh she looks NOTHING like her avatar". This might be a little harsh, but it's the truth and I'm positive others have thought it about me. Even though the scrapbook world is a WOMEN'S industry, we hide our weight from each other and those "long time online friends" are just as heavy. We feel the need to make comments about ourselves when meeting face to face, almost apologizing for not sharing our real size. It's Crazy! I'm not calling out all my fassy sistas, but I am going to personally put a stop to it on my end (no pun intended. haha).

Maybe it's the "Aleida Challenge" helping me grow inside or maybe it's me wanting a change. I just know that I want to be me and I am REALLY HAPPY being me. I am a Chubby mama who gives the best hugs and loves anyone who needs me. I dress darling for my size and I enjoy fashion. So moving forward I am taking a stand. I will no longer crops out my chubby arms or thighs. I will share my fashion likes and I will post a LOT more photos.

Tomorrow I'm doing the cover shoot for my book and I'm so excited. I have put together a few adorable outfits and my hair will be light brown (Thanks for all the comments on that post). Do I wish I was thinner for the cover? Sure I do, but this is who I am and I love me! I love knowing that I will be representing all the chubby scrappers out there. We are the majority and those other talented gals on the covers make use question our size. Again, don't get me wrong... I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS, but I will never be Amy, Kelly, or Lizzy's size! My body was not made to be that size and it's okay.



So long story short... moving forward... I am embracing my size and am going to share it all on my blog. I guess this post is me celebrating Valentine's Day in a new way. I am loving me and encouraging you to do the same. Stay tuned for more photos and Happy Birthday Dad ;)

I just can't decide and I have less than a week. Next week I'm doing the cover shoot for my signature series book and I can't decide what to do with my hair. I'm pretty sure I'm going to wear it curly, but what about the color???? Should I put it up... or keep it down??? I'm thinking down is best, but should I go Lighter or keep it dark? Maybe an in between? Tonight, as I was trying to solve this world threatening issue... I decided to look up past photos of me.

All of these photos were taken within or right around 365 days. I knew that I changed my color a lot, but I had no idea how much. I almost feel like a spy.

Whatever I decide, it needs to be this weekend. Mr. Sonboul says to keep it dark. Oh dang it! I have no clue what to do. What do you think???

P.S. I'm so excited! Tomorrow I'm finally posting a layout on my blog. The dry spell is over people! Now that the book is done :)

With CHA done and my signature series book at it's end, for the first time in 6 months... this girl feels free. Me being so busy and never stopping made me put a lot of things on hold.

1. Our home- It is in need of a deep DEEP cleaning! I don't even want to know the germs lingering on the boys toilet. eww!
2. WW- I need to rebuild my relationship with Weigh Watchers ;) Tomorrow I'm heading over to WW to weigh in. I'm a little nervous, because I KNOW I put on some weight. I'm not going to let it get me down though. I still feel really good and I'm excited to get back into a workout schedule. I watched this documentary and it has changed me for the good. I want so badly to eat clean and to cut out sugar.   
3. No deadlines- I can finally get back to just being crafty for me and sharing my work on my blog. Yeehah! Oh, plus I can get back into photography. I LOVED working on my book, because it brought back my creative side. Ya know, from being burnt out (you can read the post here). So again... no deadlines means a happy Heidi!
4. Family time- I long to just travel, play, help with homework, and take family walks again. This last 6 months Mr. Sonboul has been helping out in all of these areas so that I could work faster. I couldn't have done this book without him. He even took off a full week so I could work CHA. I'll tell ya... he's a keeper!
5. New Year's Goals- I can finally start them. Being that CHA got pushed up, there was NO way I could even think about them. you can see my goals here

I think it's important to always keep moving forward and to improve where you can. Currently I feel like my life is wonderful, but when I take a closer look...there are little things I'd like to polish and shine. For example... I say my nightly prayers, but while I'm laying down in bed. Or I dress up nice for CHA and dates, but not when I pick up the boys. We travel, but only in the summer time. Last year was an amazing.... fabulous year! I held Mr. Sonboul's hand more (plus made out more ;). I slowed down in areas that helped me not stress out and I played more. You can see last year's goals here. I learned a lot, but I'm not yet perfect. I also learned how much I change my hair color in 1 year. lol

Just like the rest of the world, I've set my goals and I'm going to strive to not struggle with them or break them. Hey and maybe I'll even lose more weight along the way ;)
How about you? What are your goals this new year?

Remember this check list?
Yep...it's getting to me and yesterday I found myself TOTALLY emotionally eating and not just a little! Like... at dinner time I wasn't even hungry and I still had pasta and green beans. This is why I was writing out everything, so I wouldn't eat from stress. Dang It! Today, I'm going to do my very best to get back on track and start the day with a GOOD sweaty workout. Those always make me want to eat right. All that workout for nothing??? because I eat too many calories??? That makes me realize it's not worth it at all and it always helps me get back on track. To those that have my number or are friends on FB, help a fassy sister out by calling and messaging me (asking this questions) "Hey, did you workout?". Knowing that phone calls are coming my way... I'll feel motivated :)

One of these days I won't let stress bother me, by thinking "food" is what comforts me best. One of these days!

~H

I know that I'll get everything done on my list, but llama mama... I feel like it's never going to end. This is the first time in a while I've felt this stressed out and having a checklist helps me not want to eat as much. I've been trying not to fall back on old habits and so far I've done ok. It's odd how I crave more carbs and sugar when overwhelmed. Is anyone else like this?


So here is the checklist.

1. Finish my Book by Dec 31st
2. Plan and teach Crafts for RS (church women) Nov 27th Done
3. Christmas Dinner for RS (church women) Dec 4th
4. Mr. Sonboul's Christmas work party and finding something cut and fassy to wear. Dec 8th
5. Finish Catalog Cover for GCD and photograph- Done
6. Finish the cover for The PaperCut and photograph- Done
7. Thanksgiving dinner Done
8. Go Downtown LA to shop for flowers Done
9. Christmas Photo shoot for friends - Nov 24th
10. Set up a meeting for Bradley IEP- This next week
11. Lose Weight - working on it
12. Mr. Sonboul time off from work for secret meeting (we have a BIG project in the works)
13. Register Company name- shh Done 
14. Put together an online class for GCD (I'll post about that later)
15. Christmas shopping and wrap gifts- First 2 weeks of Dec
16. Christmas
17. TONS OF CHA WORK (which needs a checklist of it's own) Now- Jan 11th
18. Plan Wedding for Tanya (my BFF's sister) - Done
19. Tanya's wedding set up Dec 28th
20. Finishing touches of setup and run the reception- Dec 29th 
21. Clean our house (lol I like how this is #21 on the list) Done
22. Help Bradley with Cub Scouts and paper work
23. Home work until school is out for Winter Break