November 01, 2007 my New Birthday

It was officially last November 01, 2007 when I heard the news that I am HIV+. Iba ang feeling. Di ko maexplain. Hindi ako naiyak, hindi ako natuwa, parang numb ang buong katawan ko. I was just listening to the doctor telling me about the test. Both of the two tests came out positive or reactive. There were two tests palagi, the first is the ELISA, and if positive ka sa ELISA, they will do the Western Blot and if both are positive, you are officially declared to be HIV+.

After the doctor have explained everything, saka lang ako parang nagkamalay, and I asked the doctor the craziest question na pwede kong maitanong that time, I actually asked the doctor if there is no chance na mawala pa ang virus. Crazy di ba? Kse i know naman that once you have it, it will never go away.

Isa sa mga sinabi ng doctor is that I should not feel na parang wala ng pag-asa. Pero HIV+ ako, how can i feel na meron pang pag-asa. He explained to me that being HIV+ is not synonymous of having AIDS. HIV+ means you have the various and if hinayaan mo mag take over ang virus sa katawan then that's the time it become AIDS. AIDS is the progressed stage of HIV.

According to my doctor, there are many medicines now that suppresses the virus, and many HIV+'s live a normal life nowadays, unlike 20 years ago daw that once meron kang HIV then you will be ostrasized and magiging outcast ka na sa society.

I understand what the doctor was trying. He was trying to lift my hopes, my spirit. Its working a bit pero andun pa rin ang katotohanan na HIV+ na ako. I felt light headed all throughout the day. Paglabas ko ng hospital, I immediately called my bestfriend and my friend. I felt that pare-pareho kmeng nafeel. Sabi ko sa kanila, nasalisihan ako sa isa sa mga sexual encounters ko.

I have this gay friend, sinabi nya na we (meaning, us gays) are not far from contacting this virus, its just a matter of time kse sa lifestyle namin, mas at risk kme. I wanted to tell him na I have it na, but I am sure na di sya prepared to accept the fact na meron ako. Im sure he will tell me na nagjojoke lang sya nung sinabi nya yun and he will ask me bakit ko tinotohanan.

Andami kong naisip nung araw na yun, its just so hard to organize them so pasensya na kung magulo tong blog ko. Im sure in the future it will come as bits and pieces in my stories. Its November 3 now and at 2am November 4 the time will fall back. Sana pwedeng ganun ang buhay ko, fall back to the time na wala pa akong HIV. Sana this is one bad dream.

To my dear friends....

I am creating this blog for you my dear friends. You will read this blog when the right time comes, but as of now, I am not ready to tell you that I have "it". Mahirap magkwento from the start, it is painful to tell a story of what happened to me when the time comes na ready na ako, so naisip ko, i'll just send you guys and gals an email with the link, napaka-informal di ba, pero as much as possible gusto ko kalimutan ang first day that i receive the news. I hope you understand.

I am opening this account on the second day that I have 'it'. Naisip ko lang to create this blog para may outlet ako ng mga emotions ko. There are only two very close persons in my life who knew about my condition, they're the people whom i trust my life with. Pero since may mga partners sila, im pretty sure their partners already knew but i am confident also that i could trust them.

Who are these persons I trust my inner most secret with? Isa sa kanila is a long time friend, I grew up with her and we never lost touch. We went to school together in high school, we got separated in college because we went to different schools, but we never lost touch. We still would hang out together for drinking night session or bar hop eventhough we are from different schools na. After that she went abroad for greener pasture and yet we never lost touch. I would send her a message from time to time in her email and when i finally got a hotmail account, i was able to get hold of her sa msn messenger. I thought when she went abroad, mawawala na ang communications pero hindi. Although there were moments na walang message pero pag meron naman sobrang haba and kwento ang ginagawa namin. Little that I know na marereunite pala kme. Finally, the time came and sinundo na nya ako sa airport and i stayed with her until I was able to settle sa place ko.

The second person is my best friend. I met her in college. We belong in a co-ed organization and sya ang sobrang naging close ko. She became my confidant and vice-versa. Problema nya sa boyfriend nya, problema ko na rin. Problema nya sa family nya, problema ko na rin. We became really really close na pati sa mga family affairs nandun ako. Even her siblings kilala ko na rin and ka-close ko na rin. Unfortunately like nung una kong best friend, she also has to seek greener pasture. She went abroad kse ang partner nya abroad din. She got a job naman agad and when they decided to get married, umuwi sila for the wedding ceremonies. After that they went back and little that I know na marereunite din pala kme. Sa Pinas pa lang she kept texting me na how excited she is na darating ako. She told me that although malayo kme from each other at least we are now in the same country.

These are the two people who knew my secret already, and kayo na mga nagbabasa ng blog ko. This is just the start of my stories. More to come, I have to go to bed now but i will tell you kung ano ang mga nangyari sa kin that day that I receive the news sa next entry ko.

To my two special friends and their partners, thank you so much for the support. You have nothing to worry, di ako ang suicidal-type na tao and the remaining time that I have here, sobrang eenjoy ko. I love you friends.

To my friends who doesn't know yet, pasensya na kayo, I dont want you to worry. Im ok, im in perfect health and im still living a normal life, yun nga lang if others have cancer, I have 'it'.