Honeymoon: Day 1 and 2

(Click for larger pictures or visit my Flickr page.)

This was our ship, the Enchantment of the Seas.

We almost didn't board her in time.

Here's a fact you might not know, I suck at directions. Hoop sucks at planning things. So imagine the trouble we get into when I trust him to plan something and he trusts me to gauge how long a drive is going to take. It was about ten o'clock on boarding day when Hoop checked the Royal Caribbean website and realized that our ship was going to begin loading at one. It was going to take us five hours to get down to Fort Lauderdale. "Baaaabe." He called from the office. "We have to leave- NOW." I was about halfway through my packing. I did the rest of it in tears, convinced we were going to miss our honeymoon.

We made it, but with no time to spare. The only time we stopped was to pee and to collect a warning ticket for speeding. By the time we got on the ship, my nerves were shot. Hoop gave me a tour of the facilities and then steered me in the direction of the boats massive buffet. Never have I seen so many of my favorite foods together in one place before! There was lobster ravioli, sushi, steak kabobs, stuffed chicken, and a dessert bar that could almost convince you to skip dinner entirely. Unfortunately, I could do no more than look at my overflowing plate with trepidation. The ship had begun to move.

I never got sick on the cruise. In fact, after the first night I was completely fine. I could run up and down the decks and eat two plates of food without ever a thought about where I was. But on that first night, my fear got the best of me. I retreated to our room for a little R&R and Hoop made his way to the casino. The next morning I awoke to a stillness I hadn't expected. "Why aren't we moving?" I mumbled to Hoop. Suddenly, we both shot out of bed and looked out the window. We were in Key West! After Hoop force-fed me breakfast, we left the boat to explore the port and score some drinks.


(An island off the coast of Key West.)


Our first stop in Key West was the art museum. Located just off the port, it was an easy choice for something to get into. It featured lots of "interactive" art, which Hoop and I took to mean "art you can get pervy with."


(Pinching The Mona Lisa.)


(Painting Grope!)


(Licking the Girl with a Pearl Earring.)


(Right At Home.)

There were tons of others. But really, how much dignity can we afford to lose on one post? After the museum, Hoop and I went bar hopping. But mostly it was for the cool t-shirts. At the last stop, the Flying Monkey, we got alcoholic slushies to go. We were in pretty good spirits by the time we bumped into this guy.

I can't remember the joke he told us. But I remember it had something to do with blowjobs, and the punchline included him letting beer pour out of his mouth. What a gem. Hey ladies, there's no ring on that finger as far as I can tell! Whatcha think? No? Ok, moving on.


This is where we eventually ended up, at the southern most point of the U.S. Obviously, this picture was taken by someone else. Why do people always cut us off at the feet? You should have seen this picture before I cropped it. There was allll this space on top and nothing on bottom. It was like that with several other shots too, all taken by different individuals. Next time, I'm bringing a tripod. As a whole, Key West was really fun and laid back. Not to mention colorful. I would definitely go back, if for nothing more than those alcohol slushies. YUM.

Bonus shot for Newt:


Tomorrow: Turkey Day! I'm taking the day off. Have fun Homebloys.
Friday: Cozumel, Mexico.

Bachelorette Party

(For full-sized images, please go to my Flickr page. I figured out how to fix the problem manually, but it still doesn't explain why Blogger will no longer reformat my pictures to fit in the post frame. Why does Blogger suck so bad?)

I had plans of doing all sorts of crazy things with the Bachelorette party pictures; like Photoshopping Newt and Daisy into incriminating scenes involving half-naked firemen or something. But, I got drunk on Saturday afternoon at book club and then Hoop and I spent all day Sunday pretending that we were going to do something productive, but really just playing video games in our underwear. Hey, don't judge! We're old married peeps now. We can do whatever the hell we want.

These are my girls. That's Daisy (the Shoe Whore) to the left, me in the middle, Newt to the right. What you can't tell from the picture is, I'm wearing a pink boa, a veil, little crown earrings/necklace and an engraved "Homebloys" bracelet. They practically *mugged me when I got to their hotel room. *Would it still be considered "mugging" if they put stuff on me instead of taking stuff off? Hoop, who had stopped in to meet our honored guests, didn't stick around for dinner. I think he was afraid to be seen with me, personally.

As well as dressing me up, the girls gave me a waffle maker for luck, a Wedding Day Emergency Kit (in a Tinkerbell backpack no less) and lingerie. All three have been used and loved, the first and the last by Hoop especially. After dinner, the girls and I took a short drive to the most popular beach bar. Seeing as it was only 8-something on a Thursday night, it wasn't very crowded. But we didn't let that stop us from making asses out of ourselves. The bartender kept us supplied in free shots and when those ran dry, the girls kept me supplied in drinks. I don't think I've ever been so spoiled!

Here's Daisy and I pointing at the bill Newt signed to commemorate the night.


Sometime after this picture was taken, it started getting fuzzy... or maybe wobbly is the better word. I remember some old guy hitting on Daisy and then us deciding to skip over to the gas station next door. Did we sing "We're off to see the Wizard", or did I imagine that? Newt and I were sitting outside waiting on Daisy to reemerge from the bathroom when the store attendant came out for a chat and a smoke break. To my utter annoyance, the girl turned out to be someone I went to school with. I remember the chick talked a lot, mostly about other people I hadn't seen since high school.

On any other occasion, a person like her would have killed my buzz. But this time it only intensified it. I think it's because I was thinking the words, "GO AWAY" as hard as I could. By the time she went back in (and Daisy came out) my head was humming. We headed to the pier, but not before rescuing Daisy from herself and then from someone I'm pretty sure was a dumpster dweller. Oh, and let's not forget that hot Mexican on the beach. Or maybe I made that part up. At some point, we made it back to the hotel.

Newt was nice enough to give me a shirt and a bed for the night. I woke up four hours later in bed with a trashcan (unused, thankfully). With one eye open, I drove to the hotel where Hoop was staying. The room was 89 degrees when I walked in and Hoop was laying belly up, fully dressed on the bed. I rubbed his stomach and he nodded happily in his sleep. That's how I knew he'd had a nice Bachelor party. I was dog tired that day, but it was worth it. I couldn't have asked for a cooler party, or for better friends.

Picture Updates by Alex M.

Walking Down The Aisle


All Smiles


First Kiss


Picture Updates by Newt

Three Generations Of Hands


Golf Cart Fun


Tomorrow: WWC

Maiwage (Part 2)

The one thing I will suggest to any bride-to-be, having now experienced the whole wonderful/horrible process first hand, is to stay hydrated. That's right, hydrated. Throughout dinner and the following reception, guests kept me pleasantly occupied in non-stop conversation, which lead to horrible dry mouth. But every time I tried to make my way to the bar for a drink, someone would stop me to talk. Next thing I knew, thirty minutes had passed and I was four people deep and no closer to the bar.

My solution was to politely ask whichever family member was closest to get me a glass of water. Ten minutes later, I was still thirsty and could see said family member across the room eating cake and talking to some other guest. This happened no less then six times that night... twice by my own Mother. When Hoop and I got to the hotel room later that night, I was so thirsty, I stuck my head under the bathroom faucet like a dog. It's really not a complaint though. Weddings are hairy for everyone involved. Which is why all weddings should include alcohol.

Some other points of interest: While reading my vows, I noticed that my heels were sinking into the grass and my mind instantly created a mental movie of me falling backwards, shoes still planted firmly in the ground. I had to bite on my tongue to keep from giggling. When the ceremony was over, I looked down and saw no less than twelve holes in the ground where I had sunk in and pulled myself out again. After the ceremony, Hoop's slightly eccentric uncle (also our photographer) told us to go around back to wait for him. Then he went inside and promptly forgot about us.

Hoop and I tossed around the idea of running away and starting our honeymoon early. It's probably good that we didn't. What good is a reception without the happy couple? Some time in the night, my family snuck away with the disposable cameras to take pictures of my female relations pretending to use the urinals in the Men's bathroom. None of the culprits were under the age of 40. The DJ, who continued to call herself "DJ Harm0ny" despite the fact that we all knew her name was Cheryl, kept reminding guests to sign the guest-photo like it was a Target blue light special.

One of the most memorable moments of the night for me though, was when Nash/Chris' five year old son stopped in front of us and said in complete awe, "You look so beautiful!" Somewhere, Hoop's uncle has a picture of me hugging him, and on my wrist is the memorial bracelet Hoop and I bought for the wedding party in remembrance of Chris. Each bracelet reads, "Forever in our hearts - Christopher H." You can say what you want about where we go when we die. But I swear to you, I felt him that night. It was like he was smiling down on us.

Tomorrow: The Bachelorette Party!

Maiwage

People said that I would have trouble sleeping on the night before my wedding. Those people obviously didn't drink heavily two nights before their big day, turn around and go to work for nine hours, only to have a rehearsal immediately after, followed by a party and an hour drive to their sleeping location. I slept like a baby on Dimetapp. It was awesome. When I got up, I waited for the anxiety to kick in. But it didn't, so I went into the living room to watch cartoons. Cartoons were followed by breakfast and a hair appointment.

Since my parents' live in a little town, the hair stylist offered to come to the house to work on my hair instead. Call it big city mentality, but I just couldn't get over how unsafe that was for her to do. What if we were ax murderers? This is the part of the story where Hoop would laugh. He doesn't think I'm all that scary. I don't know why. I scare myself all the time. After the hair appointment, in which my 'do turned out looking like something from the 50's, I cornered my littlest brother and said, "Tell me the truth. Do I look stupid?"

Lil Bit stared at me for a moment in complete shock. "NO." He finally stuttered. "You look beautiful!" With that, we were off to the wedding. What happened after isn't the least bit blurry. I can honestly say that I remember each and every moment of that night. But I can't imagine it would be that interesting to you, so I'll skip around to all the highlights. Newt and Daisy were the "mysterious" Bloggers who came down for the wedding and threw me a surprise bachelorette party (more on that Friday).

I don't know what I would have done without those girls! They were my bridesmaids, photographers and entertainment all in one. The only way I could repay them is to somehow convince Gerald Gerard (I'm such a tard) Butler and his hot friend to become their Cabana boys. If only I could build a big enough trap- but now I'm just rambling. After I was dressed and alone in the room, I practiced walking in my heels and dress. It was the first time I had combined the two. What I found was that I couldn't walk. Well, not easily.

The only efficient way of walking was to throw my legs out like a Russian soldier. Thank God I had on flashy shoes to distract people from it. Then the music began. Hoop and I hired a violinist to perform during the ceremony. My processional music was "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve, a favorite. Just before I stepped out on the grass I had a slight moment of panic. My heart felt like a broken bird. But the moment I saw Hoop, it completely went away. Nothing mattered after that. It was wonderful.

The files below are rather small. I had to hijack them off Hoop's cousin's site. I currently don't have many pictures of our wedding that aren't on someone else's website. Consider this a preview. I should have many more soon.





Believe it or not, these were MY shoes.

More tomorrow...

Mrs. Hoop (and Mr. Tink)

I know you all have been patiently waiting for updates and pictures...

...but you're going to have to wait just a little bit longer.

Please, lower the pitchforks.

The wedding was wonderful. Other than a stubborn breeze keeping us from lighting our unity candle, the ceremony and reception went off without a hitch. My only disappointment was that no one saved me any cake. I think someone *cough*Hoop*cough* should buy me another to compensate. The honeymoon was amazing, full of beautiful sights and adventures (and just a couple of misadventures). Details and pictures to come. Work has me buried, and since I'm currently the sole breadwinner of this little family, I'm inclined to not lose my job. I know, life isn't fair.

I was reminded of that when we got home from the boat and I realized I was going to have to cook again. Then this morning, I dropped a towel on the floor and remembered that no one would be by later to pick it up and replace it with a fresh one. Bummer. Hoop thinks the solution to cruise withdrawal is to go on another, like, immediately. His idea is that we should sell everything and live in our car. Then we can stash all the money we make from our jobs to afford going on a cruise once a month. When I asked him what we would do in our car for entertainment (not to mention eating, washing, or going to the bathroom) he said, "stare at each other".

Oof. Here I go again, making a quick update into a rambling post. So, what did I miss in your world? I missed you guys! I see the beer is still here... Well, at least the cans are. Thanks again to the wonderful and amazing Jay for hosting the WWC. Come back here tomorrow for the newest edition. Later this week, I'll update you on the wedding and honeymoon. I'll probably stretch it out for a few posts. Believe me, you want this in doses. As a bonus, I might tell you about my kick ass bachelorette party (pending the girlfriends/bloggers who threw it for me don't mind).

P.S. For those who, like my coworkers, are inclined to ask if I feel different... I got married; I didn't get a face lift. Although I have to admit, Mrs. Hoop is going to take a bit of getting used to.

Last Post As A Singleton!

What's happened in the last two days...

Three salon visits and $120 later, my hair is back to normal condition. Yay!

Hoop was laid off from his job.

One of our guests was taken to the emergency room. He's OK.

Three more guests were added to the roster last minute. Grr.

My two girlfriends (also Bloggers) threw me a kick-ass bachelorette party.

I got way toasty and molested a pink feather boa, not necessarily in that order.

I was so hungover this morning, I forgot to put mascara on one eye.

The wedding is taking place in exactly 24 hours from now!

Thanks for all the advice and well wishes! I'll see you on the flipside.

P.S. Don't forget to go to Jay's for the WWC on Tuesday!

Pre-wedding Freak-out

I went into the hair salon two days ago to get my highlights touched up and came out a dark brunette. The woman said she had to even things out. I thought she meant with lowlights. I went in the next day to see if they could at least add some highlights back in. They gave me orange streaks. I AM NOT A HAPPY BRIDE. I have an emergency appointment at my Grandmother's (reputable) salon this afternoon to see if they can make me beautiful again. Pray my hair doesn't fall out.

After that, I have to get my nails done and then I have to run home to finish place cards. Tomorrow I'm working and then meeting up with two girlfriends, also Bloggers (Guess who!), for much deserved drinks. Friday is more work, followed by the rehearsal. Then Hoop and I have to split ways until the big day... SATURDAY. Holy shit, I'm getting married on Saturday! When did that happen? Didn't we just get engaged? I've lost five pounds in the last seven days. Did you know that getting married was the perfect weight loss regimen?

I wouldn't recommend this for the faint of heart though... or the faint of wallet. This is hands-down the most expensive five pounds I've ever lost. I'm hoping to gain it all back with cake. Mmmmm, cake. I'm not going to be on much for the rest of this week, if at all. Please don't take my silence as a sign that I don't love you. I'm just afraid to open my mouth, lest I start screaming and never stop. Just know that you all are in my thoughts, and please, let my hair be in yours. I'll try and pop on before the wedding to let you know that everything is OK and that I haven't run away.

Until then, have fun, be safe, and don't you dare touch the beer in the fridge.

Much Love,
TINK

Superbride

Today I...

...wrote six thank you letters.

...diffused a radioactive MIL-bomb.

...created a seating chart for 68 people, 24 of whom don't like at least one other person attending.

...sent my engagement and wedding rings in to be sautered together.

...spent 15 minutes googling the word "sauter" because it just didn't look right, only to find out from Bob in the comments that it's "solder". Duh.

...created a final "to do before I dos" list. Top four list items: groomsman gifts, disposable cameras, sparklers, magically get a tan in two weeks. Does anyone know what to get a 13 and 15 year old groomsman?

...sent Hoop off to pay our rental chair bill. OUCH.

...watched a few horrible videos of things I really hope don't happen on our big day.

...completed the above all before 1pm.

Countdown to wedding: TWO WEEKS!

In Other News: I met up with a girlfriend for lunch today. Our waiter was some squirrely bald dude who had the memory of a goldfish. He had us repeat our order twice and asked us if we wanted to-go drinks three times. Then he followed us to the pay counter and declared that he could cash us out at the table. I refused to go back, forcing him to ring us up at the counter while the cashier looked on helplessly. Then he gave me the wrong receipt and gave my friend back the wrong change. Just as we were preparing to flee, the guy turns to me and stutters, "Are you single?" I don't wear my ring for ONE day and look what happens! The funniest part was, I think his coworkers were more horrified than I was. They all stopped what they were doing to hear my answer. It was no, of course.

Cannibal Kitchen: As some of you may know, Hoop and I are attempting to turn our garage into a Cannibal Kitchen this weekend in preparation for Halloween. I don't know why we promised my brothers we would do this. It's not like we don't have other things going on, like *cough* a WEDDING. But, being the sucker I am for all things Halloween, not to mention the adoration of my little brothers, I am determined to do this. So... I need your help coming up with "menu" ideas. No worries, no one is actually going to be eating this stuff. Here's what we have so far:

EYE candy
BRAIN food
TOE jam
Lady FINGERS
FINGER food

Have a fantastic weekend Homebloys!

The Mouth!

(CNN.com Front Page: 10/13/08 08:30am)

Weekend Recap:
1. My Grandfather turned 85 this Saturday! We celebrated by eating our weight in food.
2. On the menu: venison sausage, wild boar sausage, fried mullet (the fish, not the hair), fried catfish, cornbread hush puppies, BBQ chicken, green bean casserole, potato salad, baked beans, and cake.
3. I'm STILL full.
4. After dinner, Grandpa sat down with us to fine tune the wedding ceremony. He's the one who will be marrying us. He's a retired minister.
5. He also married my Mom... twice.
6. Hopefully that's not an unlucky sign.
7. Maybe it just didn't take the first time.
8. Sunday, Hoop and I went to the zoo. That was also supposed to be a family thing, but my family pussied out on account of the weather.
9. The weatherman said there would be a 70% chance of rain.
10. What we got was NO rain and a hella lot o' heat.
11. It was so hot, the monkeys barely had enough energy to eat their own poop.
12. Barely.
13. We weren't spared the horror of watching a monkey eat from his own butt like it was a Tootsie Roll factory.
14. Hey, speaking of really crappy experiences...
15. ...Until 30 minutes ago, I hadn't been able to get a hold of our DJ for five days.
16. ...Our cake people just tried to double charge me.
17. ...And our florist tried to charge me $1,000 extra for no reason.
18. I am SO ready for this wedding crap to be over!
19. Dear Jebus and the Flying Spaghetti Monster; if you get me through this without losing my mind, I swear I will try and be the happiest married person ever. Amen.
20. In other wedding news, Hoop's Mom gave us our wedding present yesterday. It was a set of Depression glass from the 1920's. It was very sweet of her. But, I have no idea what I'm going to DO with it. It's green. Jello green.

So, how was your weekend?

Gallimaufry

(noun: A hodgepodge or jumble.)

My parents live in central Florida, which is about 45 minutes from where Hoop and I live. Somewhere in between the two, at about the 30 minute mark, the weather pattern changes entirely. It's like the difference between the Sahara and the Tropics. Last month, the waterway beside our neighborhood flooded. Meanwhile, the lakes in my parents' town were dwindling away to puddles. If Hoop doesn't mow for two weeks, the weeds in our yard begin to devour our house. My parent's struggle to grow anything besides dirt. You would think we'd all be used to these differences.

Saturday morning, Mom called to tell me that they were leaving for the zoo. "So you're going to meet us there, right?" I stared at the downpour outside. "Um. I hate to break it to you, but I don't think we're going to the zoo today." She told me not to be silly; it was sunny outside. "Oh-kay." Then I got ready to go to the movies. Thirty minutes later, I received a phone call. "It's pouring!" Mom wailed into the phone. "Would it be OK if we went to the movies instead?" "Sure!" I told her before reading off the movie times I'd pulled from the computer 30 minutes before.

We went to see "Ghost Town". I can describe the movie in one word. SLOW. I would have rather watched two snails wrestling. The story is about an unlikeable dentist who goes in for rectal surgery, dies, is revived, and then starts seeing dead people. Only, these dead people want things from him. The rest of the movie is one long, boring boy-tries-to-get-girl subplot that isn't even interesting. Just when you think you might fall asleep, they throw something funny in, bait enough to keep you watching (and hoping). Skip this one altogether. Hoop and I gave it one out of five sporks.

Sunday evening, Hoop and I went to visit his Mom. As I mentioned two posts ago, the soon-to-be-MIL still hadn't gotten us the addresses of the people she wanted to invite. I'd long ago decided not to care about it, seeing as I'd already sent out the other invitations and was busy rounding up RSVPs already. But Hoop couldn't let it go. "Have you got the addresses yet?" He badgered her on Sunday. Then she did something I will never forget. She handed him a phonebook and huffed, "Well, they're listed in the yellow pages." Then, to my utter shock and disbelief, Hoop did something equally absurd...

...he handed ME the phonebook.

Un-fucking-real. I handed the book right back to him, of course. Apparently, they have both lost their fucking minds. My new name for Hoop's Mom is MILzilla. My new name for Hoop is Stupid. On top of that, Hoop's Dad keeps telling me our wedding website is down. Granted, the man has never tried to access the site himself. No, he's taking the word of some computer-illiterate friend. Despite my assurances and telling him how many people HAVE accessed the site, he doesn't believe me. Ugh. I'm done. I'll be drinking in the corner until this is all through. Let me know when I need to walk down the aisle, OK?

So, what fun and exciting things did you do this weekend?

Dum dum de dum

Mom and I went to a bridal show on Sunday. The tickets were free and I was bribed with cake. FREE CAKE. Sweet Jebus, they could have asked me to show up in a toilet paper gown and I would have done it. When we arrived, I was instantly assaulted by a greeter with a "Here Comes The Bride" sticker. The woman never stopped smiling, even while she was talking. Then we were handed empty bags and directed through a door like two trick-or-treaters entering a fun house.

I was just telling Mom, "This isn't nearly as creepy as I thought it would be," when we entered a room decorated to look like a church. There was even a harpist. The next room was set up like a reception hall. They had a DJ, and hors d'oeuvres, flowers coated in glitter, and lots and lots of bows. I'll be honest, it looked like Easter had thrown up all over the place. Who knew pale pink and green en masse could actually make someone feel ill? The main room was a little better, but only because there was food.

In total, Mom and I spent about thirty minutes at the show. Most of it was spent pushing through crowds to get to chocolate covered strawberries and bite sized petit fours. The other brides were busy snatching up fliers and jabbing at each other with elbows to reserve vendors. It was a relief to be able to say, "No, thank you. I already have one of those." Although, I did snag a coupon for tuxes and saw a few ceremony decorations that I might like to duplicate. I also saw a few people that I hadn't seen in years.

It was funny to watch them glance at my obnoxious discreet bride sticker and then exclaim "I see congratulations are in order!" If they were hoping for details, I gave them none. It was at about that point that the cake binge caught up with me. Cake, it's like crack turned kryptonite. I was ill for the rest of the night. But now, just thinking about all those sweets has me googling when the next show will be. Mom and I have decided this might be our new yearly thing.

Only next year, we're going to lie and say Mom is the bride.

P.S. For those who have been asking, the wedding is November 8th!

Return Of The Weekend Recap

Weekend Recap:
1. Yesterday was Chore Day. I worked on the house while Hoop begrudgingly mowed the lawn.
2. Sometime around three it started to storm.
3. I went to the back door to check on Hoop. I found him standing in the middle of the yard, open mouthed, as the rain poured down.
4. He smiled when I stepped out on the covered porch. "Could you bring me some soap and shampoo?" "Seriously?" "Yeah." "Ok."
5. I came back out to find him naked.
6. "This is the most exhilarating thing I've ever done!" He yelled, ducking his head under the mini-waterfall our eaves made.
7. I've come to the conclusion that weddings make people lose their minds.
8. Friday, Hoop's Mom asked if she could have some blank wedding invitations just in case she decides to invite her coworkers.
9. So now we're just passing these things out like Valentines?
10. I don't fucking think so.
11. Saturday evening, Hoop and I received our first wedding present... a Wii!
12. Actually, we bought it ourselves. But it was under my Mom's instructions, as she's the one who is going to be paying us back for it.
13. My Mom, the health nut, swears by it. Papa Bear lost five pounds playing with theirs.
14. Crap. I just realized I forgot to do the good-bye month post for July! I'll get to it sometime this week.
15. Friday night -Oof, this is all out of order- Hoop and I took my two younger brothers and their friend Lance to see "Star Wars: The Clone Wars."
16. Lance wore a Darth Vader helmet.
17. Lil Bit wore a sombrero.
18. I'm not claiming it made sense.
19. On the way into the mall, a police officer yelled at Lance to take off the "mask". We tried to explain that it was a helmet and he was only wearing it in support of the movie, but the cop would have none of it.
20. Reason #982 why I don't like the police...
21. The movie was lame. It felt like one big advertisement for the cartoon coming out this fall. But I didn't care. The boys made it well worth the money.

So, what did you do this weekend?

The End Of A Love Affair

I'm breaking up with Yahoo Answers.

I posted my question on their site this morning and they shut me down!

Pfft, as if I needed more votes anyway. I think it's pretty clear who's going to win. But, what can I say? I'm a poll whore. Secretly, I just wanted to see how many strangers I could drag (willingly) into my wedding madness. Five minutes after I'd posted the question, someone came and flagged me (TWICE) for inappropriate contest / spam. So then Yahoo yanked my legitimate question off the site and docked me twenty points. Twenty points! Srsly?

The point system really pisses me off anyway. The whole thing reeks of a 10th grade popularity contest. You get two measly points every time you answer a question, ten points on the off chance you get voted for best answer, and minus five points if you dare to ask a question. Then, people get to judge you on how much they liked your answers. It doesn't have to make sense either. Sometimes people will give a thumbs down to a perfectly good answer just because it isn't what they wanted to hear.

"I'll just email the administrator," I thought at first. "They'll sort this out for me." But really, it's hard to rationalize a situation like this when there are questions on the site like, "My fiance's father called me a 'WOLF BREASTED VAGINA' what does that mean?" Surely that's more offensive than, "What color invitations should I get?" After a couple of hours the administrator-bot finally emailed me back. Enclosed was a copy of the site policy and a manufactured apology. But they weren't going to retract the action. Asshats.

I shouldn't care. I really shouldn't. But it's the principle of the thing!

The Cleaning Lady's Daughter:

The little girl's name is Amelia. I feel better for knowing it, somehow.

I came in to work yesterday and was immediately disappointed that there wasn't a note on my desk. I had been sure that there would be that day. After double checking the cabinet and both shelves, I came back to the desk and wheeled out my chair. There is was, folded neatly on the seat. I opened the page and a smaller one fell out. The smaller one was from the girl, Amelia. She wrote:

Thank you so so much for my paper pad. Ive been felling real sad because my brother had to go back to Washington so Ive been sad for the last day. Thank you so much I will use it everyday and all the time. THANK YOU!! Love, Amelia.

The bigger note was from her Mom. It read:

Thank you for the nice note. I knew Amelia was leaving notes on ---'s desk, however I didn't know she was leaving them on yours as well. Amelia had been coming with me for the past few weeks and was feeling sad because her stepbrother moved back to Washington. However, she shouldn't have been leaving notes on people's desks. Anyways, that was very sweet of you to give her sticky notes. Thank you so much.

I have a feeling I won't be getting notes anymore.

But it was fun while it lasted.

You Have The Power

"What power?" "The power of voodoo." "Who do?" "You do!"

(Great. Now I have the Labyrinth stuck in my head.)

I'd originally decided to get my wedding invitations through Etsy. I'm all into handcrafted shit right now. So after much deliberation, and then even more waiting, I finally got my sample invitations in the mail. Wouldn't you know it, they suck. I am SO glad I didn't order a whole bunch of them! The first thing I noticed was that the ink was smeared in spots, KEY spots, like around our names. Where the ink wasn't smeared it was filled in poorly. Portions of the design were outlined in white where it should be black.

Then I saw the envelopes; they were strip-and-seal. Strip-and-seals are OK for normal use, great even, but they look tacky when used for something as formal as a wedding invitations. I just don't get it. If you were sending someone samples of something, wouldn't you make sure they were perfect? Even if you crapped on the rest of them, the initial ones should look good, right? I've realized that this is probably how the whole wedding planning thing is going to go for me. I'm going to screw it up before I get it right.

I chose the wrong wedding venue, but then I got it right. By the way, I finally got the check! That baby is going in the bank TODAY. I chose the wrong florist, but now I'm going to get it right. We requested she send a sample (again with the samples) of the color rose I was interested in. That was a month ago. No rose. No call. I phoned her two weeks ago and she couldn't even place who I was. Then she assured me that she'd get it and would call me by the end of the week. What's the chance of me getting two deposits back?

I chose the wrong invitations, but now you're going to help me get it right. What's that, you say? You heard me. I think it's time for yet another poll! Hoop and I have picked out the invitation we like best (a mix of my modern taste with his traditional) but we can't decide on the color. So we decided to have a poll and go with whatever color gets the most votes. There are four to choose from, and don't worry about matching it with anything else. We've decided not to go crazy making everything into a theme.

The choices are:

MIDORI

CHARCOAL

CHOCOLATE

ORANGE


VOTE HERE!

The poll will end on Sunday at midnight.

You can check on the results here.

Tomorrow: Updates on the story of the cleaning lady's daughter!
Friday: Pickled Beef will be closed for the holiday.
Monday: Good-bye Month

Sudden Death Match

Despite having "sudden" in the title, this match will go on for two and a half days, starting today at 5pm (EST) and ending on Sunday at midnight. One of these contestants has an amazing lead, which almost caused me to cancel the sudden death match entirely. But tradition is tradition folks, and I'd like to give the people who voted for the other three contestants a chance to make this one count. So for your voting pleasure, here are the top three contenders:

(Click For Larger View)

Peeking

Bullshittier

It's What's For Blog


VOTE HERE!

Please, only vote ONCE. If you'd like to see the poll results, you can go here.

In Other News:
1. The cleaning lady wasn't fired! In fact, she came in yesterday with her nine year old daughter and made the little girl apologize to my coworker. I'm not sure who was more mortified. "I was afraid I was going to make her cry!" My coworker told me afterward. I only wish I'd been around to see my post-it-note pen pal. I'm thinking of leaving her a small present, via her Mother. Whatcha think?
2. I would like to clarify that the coworker who was vandalized was NOT the same coworker in the conversation on Wednesday. But for those who were curious, the last coworker is 31 years old. I'm thinking of putting a globe in this year's Christmas gift exchange.
3. Hoop called our original wedding location yesterday to see if they'd mailed out our check yet. I was getting worried, seeing as they'd told us it was in the mail two weeks ago. Come to find out, they hadn't. Why am I surprised at this?!

Random Conversation:
(On the phone)
Tink: Hi, I was just calling to update some information.
Wedding Cake Lady: OK?
Tink: Our wedding venue has changed. We found out a few weeks ago that the coordinator had overbooked the place.
Wedding Cake Lady: Oh no! That's horrible!
Tink: Tell me about it. But we found a new location and I'm going to need to have the cake delivered there instead.
Wedding Cake Lady: Not a problem.
Tink: Also, my cellphone number has changed-
Wedding Cake Lady: -OK.
Tink: I should probably mention that those two are totally unrelated.
Wedding Cake Lady: *Laughs* I was afraid to ask!
Tink: Yeah, I'm not hiding from them or anything.
Wedding Cake Lady: I thought maybe you had punched that coordinator.
Tink: Oh I wanted to. But then how would we ever get our money back?

Have a fantastic weekend Homebloys!

Something Else

I realize I've been kind of negative lately, what with talk of termites, wedding woes, and gripes about America. I'm not going to do that today...

I just thought I'd let you know.

Shit That Rocks

1. Two of our fellow bloggers (and personal friends of mine), Newt and OneDaisy, are trying to raise money for MS. They're going to put those cute feet of theirs to work and they need some sponsors! No donation is too small. Have a heart, click over to Feets Of Fancy. A special spork-themed award to anyone who participates.

2. My company's key account manager and I had geared up all morning for yet another long, boring webinar. But just as the conference was starting, and I had wondered aloud whether we even needed to be there, the webinar went down. "Maybe we should wait?" I asked. But the KAM was already shutting things off. "Looks like no webinar today!" He replied cheerfully. Before I'd even had a chance to move from my chair, he was out the door. "Where are you going?" I asked him. "Fishing!" And he was serious! Thank God for Florida living.

3. This place:

Obviously, since I don't own a helicopter, I did not take this picture. But it's beautiful, isn't it? Somewhere down there is Hoop's and my ceremony location. I should have pictures of it specifically in the next two weeks. Yay!

4. "The Story Of Stuff", an awesome website that Mike sent me to. The video is 20 minutes long, but well worth it. My Mom actually thanked me for sending it to her and plans on incorporating it into an article she's writing for her business website. You should check it out. It may just change your life.

Tell me some other shit that rocks.

Crack Tea With Balls

This may come as a shock to none some of you, but I happen to have an addictive personality. The first time someone told me this, I thought it was a compliment. Like, "Aw, they're addicted to me! Isn't that sweet?" My date promptly corrected me... right after I made some dumbass comment about them needing to make Tinkorette gum. The point is, it wasn't so obvious to me then. Sure, I dabbled in illegal substances when I was young. But that never developed into a habit. Then there were cigarettes, coffee, and Pez. Oh how I loved those little candy bricks. But not the yellow ones, they tasted like Pledge.

Pez was later replaced with Zebra gel pens and cigarettes with ITunes. At one time I loved the game Creatures. That bled into Creature game forums, which lead to blogging (hey Homebloys!), which collected sites like Etsy, Facebook, and Neopets. I've since realized that I have an addiction problem. If there is the slightest possibility that I might really like something new, I try to stay away from it. But apparently, my addiction has adapted, grown legs, and attached itself to things I would have never dreamt of liking. Like Boba. Do you know what this stuff is? It's the crack of the tea world.

The first time I bought one of these drinks I handed it back to the guy and said, "Uh. There's something in the bottom of my drink, man." To be honest, it looked like rabbit poop. I wasn't going to allow my brain to process the thought to my mouth though. "Is Boba!" The Swede behind the counter laughed. "You know, bubbles?" "Those are NOT bubbles." Who was he trying to fool? "No, no. Tapioca balls." Oh great, now they're balls?! Then he made a motion with his mouth as if sucking a straw, which might have been a little obscene. "You eat balls!" He handed me back the drink. I stared at the straw, suddenly noticing how large it was.

"Oh-kay." So I drank until something gummy and round popped through the straw opening. Then I chewed it. My first reaction was total disgust. There should not be gummy balls in my milk tea! But the texture grew on me, as did the strange nutty taste (no pun intended). I threw the empty cup away later thinking, "Well, that was interesting." Little did I know, the drink had already worked over my addictive personality. Now I can't go to the mall without making a beeline for the Boba shop. Have any of you experienced this wonderful/horrible drink? Are you convinced it's laced with crack too?

*Ok, I just read over this post and I can't decide whether it is overly sexually suggestive or just really disturbing. So I'm not going to end on that note. I also have a growing addiction to Yahoo Answers. Let me tell you, there are some bizarre questions out there. There are also some really good questions too. *Digs toe in dirt* Yeah, that's my question. If that isn't enough of an indication, we found another venue for our wedding! Yay! It's beautiful (facing a marsh) and completely secluded (we'll be the only wedding allowed there that day). We also found active termites in our bathroom yesterday. @#?$! Details to come.

How was your weekend?

Wedding Hell

Saturday afternoon, Hoop and I went to finalize the details of our wedding at the restaurant hosting our ceremony/reception. I'd diligently written a list of questions the night before, determined not to leave anything out. The moment we arrived, I felt uneasy. The coordinator, Bridget, looked all of seventeen. "Let me show you the upstairs room," she said airily. "We don't need to see it," I said. "We've already booked it. For the eighth of November?" Red flags were popping up in my head. I willed her to remember. "Oh!" She replied, looking confused. She took us upstairs anyway.

"I have a question about the seating," I started off. Originally, we were told this room could seat seventy-five. Then we were told only sixty. I was wondering if that was the max capacity of the room? Does that include the servers and the DJ?" "You don't have to feed your guests if you don't want to." She answered. I tried again. "No, we WANT to feed them. I was just trying to figure out how many people we could invite." "Um..." It was obvious she had no idea what I was asking. "We don't have a fire code or anything. But it would probably be too crowded to have a dance floor if you invited sixty people."

"Are you serious?" My throat was starting to constrict. "I wish someone had told us this before we reserved the room." Trying to diffuse the situation, Bridget took us back into her tiny office to look over the calendar. "Unfortunately, these other two rooms are booked. This one has a reception at four-" "-At four?" Hoop interjected. "But... Won't that conflict with our ceremony? They'd have to walk through where we're having it to get to their room." "Oh!" Bridget gasped. "Well, that's not going to work! Who booked this?"

"YOU booked this," Hoop snapped. "I booked it with you on the phone about two months ago." I was starting to feel dizzy. "Can we just go home?" I pleaded with Hoop. "You could always change your date." The girl suggested, pointing at the next weekend. "But we've already ordered the cake and the flowers and the favors-" I answered weakly. "That's not going to work," Hoop replied. "We've already put in for the next week off and booked a cruise." Bridget shrugged and looked at me pityingly. "You could always have the ceremony at 4:30." Great. Right as the Saturday dinner crowd is arriving.

I suddenly had a vision of what the place would look like with two ceremonies, three receptions, and a normal dinner crowd all going on at the same time. Would anyone even know which party they belonged to? I begged Hoop again to go home. I wanted to leave before I cried. There was no way I was going to let this little ignorant girl push me overboard. It was either cry or leap across the room and beat her with her own toothpick arm. That's doesn't make me a Bridezilla, does it? I suddenly understood my florist's reaction when I'd told her where we were getting married.

"Oh, the Hilltop." Said as if it were a synonym of "puke" or "herpes". "What's wrong?" My Mom had asked, suddenly going very white. "Nothing," Quick recovery. "It's just... They have a slight problem with double booking or overbooking their venues. You just make sure they do things right by you." I blew it off as just a bad experience. How could a lovely place like that, which makes most of it's revenue from weddings, possibly screw this up? So here I am, four and a half months to go, looking for a new location for our ceremony and reception.

Thank God I hadn't made the invitations yet! Just cross your fingers these assholes give us our deposit back. While you're at it, cross your other fingers that the rest of this goes smoothly. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Remember, I wanted to elope! Poor Hoop. Last night, as he was falling asleep, he mumbled into my hair. "I knew the moment that girl opened her mouth that she was going to ruin my weekend. I just knew it. That's why I was so mad." Well I'm glad he has this whole thing in perspective. Maybe I could learn a thing or two from him.

Are There Nuts In Heaven?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: *Crying* I just hit a squirrel!
Hoop: Aw, babe.
Tink: I've never killed anything before. It sucks!
Hoop: I'm so sorry. At least it wasn't a human.
Tink: *Sniff* That's true.

UPDATES

Health: I have been smoke-free for nine months, two weeks, five days, twenty hours, twenty-seven minutes and fourteen seconds. But seriously, who's counting? Overall, I have "saved" myself $1,016.72 and not smoked a total of 5,437 cigarettes. I have no idea where all that spare cash went though. I think maybe my IPod ate it. Although I have long passed the point of caving in, I still think about cigarettes at least once a week. Sometimes in a dialog.

Me: Hey there.
Cigarette: Sup.
Me: You doing OK?
Cigarette: Oh-ho, so you're talking to me now?
Me: Look, it was nothing personal.
Cigarette: Yeah, whatever.
Me: I just... didn't like your friends.
Cigarette: Who, Cool and Enjoyable?
Me: No, they were OK. It was Cancer and Emphysema. They're kind of bullies, always hanging around threatening people.
Cigarette: Oh.
Me: But it's OK. Maybe we'll hang out again someday? I probably won't care as much when I'm 80.
Cigarette: Yeah, I'd like that.
Me: Stay safe.
Cigarette: *Laughing* You're funny.

Wedding: Groom. Check. Location of ceremony and reception. Check. Flowers, dress, cake and shoes? Check! Favors. Hm, partial check. Honeymoon. Oh yeah, check that one off! Tuxedos, rings, DJ, invitations, menu, hotels, transportation, videographer, seating, unity candle, cake topper, passport- Shit. How many months do we have again? Only six! For real?! OhmyGod. So anyway, the wedding plans are going swell. My Mom and I ordered the flowers last Saturday. My bouquet is going to look something like this:


(Not my picture)

For our honeymoon we've decided to going on this cruise. I can't even explain how deliriously happy this makes me. Cozumel! Belize! I check the site almost daily to see if they've updated the land excursions. I thought nothing would beat taste testing wedding cakes. But this, to the girl who has been all of nowhere, is by far the best surprise yet. Now for all the less-fun stuff... *Sigh*

Pride For Sale

Weekend Recap:
1. How low does someone have to get to sell their Mother's burial plot on Craigslist?
2. What about the wedding ring off their still-married hand?
3. In the past few months I've seen numerous postings for cars, jewelry, and wedding dresses all under the headline of "Lost job. Must sell!"
4. But today there was such a sadness in their posts. As if they were really saying, "Please don't make me do this."
5. How can anyone deny that we're in a recession?
6. I'm currently looking for a new car. Mine is costing me as much as a second mortgage each month.
7. Despite the fact that it guzzles gas and oil, both back tires are bald and losing air, that it has a severe coolant leak and that it can't go faster than 70mph without losing control...
8. I'll be sad to see it go.
9. Hoop keeps asking me what I want to get next. As in, "What color? What kind? How big?" My answer of "cheap" and "runs well" apparently isn't good enough.
10. I'll drive anything. No seriously.
11. If you wanted to strap on some wheels and could get me to work in under an hour, I'd pay YOU each month. You wouldn't even have to change out of your PJs.
12. Saturday morning we ate wedding cake!
13. After a month of anticipating and planning, my Mom backed out last minute. If she was waiting for me to reschedule because of her, it didn't happen. I had cake on the brain.
14. We decided on three tiers, each a different flavor. The bottom layer is going to be Hoop's favorite, vanilla with raspberry filling. The second layer is going to be almond and the third is going to be key lime flavored. Mmmm.
15. I took extras to Hoop's Mom and then finished off the rest for breakfast the next morning.
16. I'm wondering if I can do it again in a couple months. I might have to get my dress let out.
17. Besides being sold on the actual taste of the cakes, the ladies running the place were amazing. Neither had gotten more than an hour of sleep the night before. One due to baking and the other because of a concert. But instead of being dull, we chatted and laughed for over an hour.
18. Don't worry, I relieved Hoop halfway through. He didn't even hesitate on his way to the comic store next door.
19. Yesterday, Hoop and did some much needed house work and watched all three Lord Of The Rings movies.
20. I'm officially overdosed on LOTR.
21. Although I really shouldn't complain about watching Orlando Bloom for twelve hours straight.
22. There are worse things... ;)

How did your weekend go?