T1ts & A55

Thanks to all who listened to Hoop bitch below about his horrible coworker.

Because if he mentioned her one more time to me, I was going to scream.

Speaking of Ginger, apparently she called out with Infantigo this morning. As in, that skin rash that generally only effects two through six year olds. Yeah, I think she's sleeping with her doctor.

I opened up my email box this morning to a bunch of interesting spam. By "interesting" I mean bizarre. How do spamers come up with this stuff? Do they have computer programs that generate random garbage? You'd think they would at least be equipped with spellcheck. I can understand the substitution of certain words, like "b@@bies" and "pen1s". But what's up with all the general grammatical errors? "Millionss of people accross the world have already tested THIS and ARE making their girlfriendds feel brand new sexual ssensations! YOU are the best in bed, aren't you?" Compliments from a stutterer perhaps?

Others are just pure nonsical. "There were four furnaces here, and they were all between plaisance and the coupee. What do you to thaw!" Wha? "A hedgehog to a lamb. If you had consulted me i should are like oil and wick exist, so long the light." Whatever you say, dude. Why don't they fill their emails with more interesting substance, like stories? They could even stuff them with subliminal messaging, or leave them with cliffhangers. "Once upon a time there was a beautiful business woman who had it all. But she was still unhappy. So she paid an under ground witch doctor to create a spell to..." Please click on link below to finish story.

LINK

Hoop and I had a pretty eventful weekend.

Friday night we went touring the area and got my SUV stuck in a ditch. I would like to add that Hoop was driving. I have no ideas of grandeur when it comes to my vehicle. I KNOW it's a piece of shit. After a half an hour of pushing, turning, and rocking the vehicle we resorted to destruction of public property. In short, I busted up an old barrier fence so I could lay down a track for my car to drive on. It didn't work. So much for being clever. Fed up and muddy, we decided to ask the local fishermen for help. They all declined. We must have looked pretty pathetic though, because one came back. With our powers combined... we got the stupid vehicle out.

Saturday afternoon we went to the county fair. We weren't expecting much, but it ended up being the best fair ever. There were sea lions there. Holy shit, SEA LIONS! They were right next to the Frisbee-catching dogs and the live butterfly exhibit. Afterward, we stopped by a nature park near our house we'd never noticed before. Evidently, we need to start being more observant. This park featured a sulfur spring, a beautiful view of the river, and tree houses. If it were better maintained, we might have even considered it for our ceremony location. A dilapidated lodge probably isn't the best backdrop for a wedding though.

Saturday night, Hoop and I drank beer and played with polymer clay. There have always been things I just assumed I'd be good at. Oddly, photography was never one of them. But for some strange (and obviously deluded) reason, I always believed I'd be a wiz with clay. And I am, if anyone is looking for a bunch of clay snakes or squiggles. I also make a mean circle. Sunday, Hoop and did yard work all day. For me, that constituted as yanking all the vines that have taken over our surrounding bushes and trees. By the time I was done, I had a four foot high pile and our shrubs looked rather naked. I think I scared one of the neighborhood kids on my way to the end of the driveway. Wrapped in vines, I looked like a large walking plant with arms.

How was your weekend?

No Good

No good could come of my broken brain today.

All I can think of is work, and the idiots around me who orbit like dysfunctional satellites. I walk to the coffee pot and they circle, asking things like "How do you spell 'scratch'?" Grown men, old enough to be my father, and they can't spell at a third grade level! When I complained to the receptionist she replied, "Don't they have spellcheck?" As if THAT were the point. I walk back to my desk and they swoop in to gather data. "How do you forward an email?" "How do you put paper in the printer?" "Can you fix this for me?" I want to stab at them with my stapler, screaming "Back! Back!"

But I don't. Instead I calmly go and fix their problems, answer their queries, tell them there are no stupid questions. But I'm lying. There really ARE stupid questions. I hear about a hundred a day. Last night I dreamt that my ex-boyfriend's wife broke into our house because she wanted to see what were we're all about. But the roof was caving in and it reeked of cat pee. She acted appalled and quickly declined my offer of coffee. "We don't have any cats," I remember thinking. "This isn't what we're about!" I yelled after her. Then I closed the door and cried. I don't know why. It's all so strange.

My parent's, the biological one and the adopted, aren't speaking to each other at the moment. So I can't act happy until they're through. It just wouldn't do. I can't talk about the cute things Hoop said to me today, or the way I woke up smelling his hair and I didn't want to leave the bed. I can't talk about how he has annoyed me lately either. That would clearly mark me on the side of my Mother... or man-haters... or women in general. So I don't talk. It's not safe. Instead, I watch the clock and wait for the day to change. Is it the weekend yet? Can I stop pretending to be nice, or to care, or that I'm really sane under here?

Like I said... No good can come of my broken brain today.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
When We're Together I secretly blame my farts on you.
Revolter What is... A gun that makes you sick.
Grinning Ear To Ear Has anyone ever stopped to imagine how WEIRD that would look?
Misunderstood? Not really. They all pretty much understand that I'm a nut.

January Search Terms:
(What people type into search engines that gets them here)
my hamster got shaken what can I do Oh no! Quick, reverse time.
warmed cockles
I hate elves Me too. Unless they're making me rice crispie treats... or cookies.
sesame street squares are really rectangles
homemade nair Removes the skin as well as the hair!

Hey You, Stalker.

This year Chris Cactus, the man with the kid so cute I wonder if she's been genetically engineered, has decided to host Delurker Day. So comment, even if you don't normally. In fact, I'll make it easy on you!

Copy and paste the phrase below:

Hi, my name is (insert name here). I think you're (adjective). My favorite color is (color). My favorite food is (food). When I grow up I want to be a (person). I have a fetish for licking (first thing you see).

Not only could you gain new friends, but you're just in time to receive a Golden Spork Award! Cutoff time for comments is 5pm (Eastern Standard Time) today, by the way. Shiny utensils ROCK.

Overheard Conversation:
Doctor: Who's next?
Nurse: Tink in room 2.
Doctor: What's she here for?
Nurse: Anxiety.
Doctor: Oh! I probably shouldn't have left her waiting so long than.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
Cassh Boonus Casinoo Are you cold?
Dating for naughty people They just check "The" list.
Tooter Hoop's perfect job.
Lucidity Only on the weekend.
Unwanted pounds could be easily burnt off That sounds painful!
Wait till she sees you. Yeah, in the Intensive Care Unit.
Gynecological shrapnel It's so sad when pussies explode.

Never A Dull Moment

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I could have sworn that guy was my teacher from insurance class.
Tink: He said he wasn't.
Hoop: Do you think he was lying?
Tink: WHY would he lie?
Hoop: Because he's an INSURANCE agent.
Tink: I have a confession.
Hoop: Shoot.
Tink: You're horrible at face recognition.
Hoop: I am not!
Tink: It's OK. Most men are. Women are good at remembering faces. Men are better at remembering numbers and names.
Hoop: That's not true.
Tink: Yes it- Whoa, did you see that guy?
Hoop: What was he doing?
Tink: Having a temper tantrum in the street.
Hoop: It's probably because he forgot what his kid looked like.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: We need a birthday card for Mom.
Hoop: How about this one?
Tink: It has the word "wiener" all over it.
Hoop: Wieners are funny.
Tink: No they're not.
Hoop: Yes they are.
Tink: I'm calling Mom.
*Gets on the two way*
Tink: Hey Mom, is the word "wiener" funny?
Mom: I think it's kind of funny.
Tink: Oh my God.
Hoop: Are we getting the card?
Tink: Well now we HAVE to.

Daily Hoop Conversation 3:
Tink: If you had to go out in the freezing cold with only enough insulation to cover one appendage, which would you choose: your hands, your feet, your head, your chest, or your balls?
Hoop: Definitely the balls.
Tink: Really?!
Hoop: Hey if I'm going to be an amputee, I might as well still get some enjoyment out of life.
Tink: But what if you lose both hands?
Hoop: Then in the name of circulation I'll have a nurse massage them for me.
Tink: Your balls.
Hoop: Yup.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
Time Control Finally!
You'll want to read this Hand it over.
Insider Info Just hand it over.
Insider Info Leaked Aw man. I really liked these shoes!
This Christmas, give the gift of family values Nah, I'm too cheap.
Cheapest soft That's more like it.
Rock her world How about I just tilt it a little?
I was recently transferred to Chalfont... Who the hell are you?
Best soft for you Soft what, ice cream?
Oeminoem Are you eating my ice cream?!

The Works

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(In which I reveal our real names! *Gasp*)
Hoop: Are you farting on me?!
Tink: No.
Hoop: Yes you are!
Tink: HOW did you know?
Hoop: If I told you the sign, then you'd stop doing it.
Tink: I was trying to be sneaky, too.
Hoop: Well you weren't, Cristinky.
Tink: Cristinky! I kind of like that.
Hoop: Oh yeah?
Tink: Yeah. Just don't tell my family, because then it'll stick. Then I'll have to start a nickname war-
Hoop: -Right... So, what would mine be?
Tink: Um. Jeffpoopy.
Hoop: Real original, babe.

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: So where'd you go at lunch?
Tink: To get my little brother a birthday card.
Coworker: Aw.
Tink: Yeah. The front says, "Great, another boring birthday card." The inside says, "With a booger in it!"
Coworker: Ew.
Tink: I know, real mature. It's not like he's turning eight either. He's going to be fifteen!
Coworker: Are you putting money in it?
Tink: What do you think the booger is going to be holding in place? Duh.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Oo, babe! The local community college is going to be putting on a theater production of Peter Pan!
Hoop: That sounds... awesome.
Tink: We could take the boys (my brothers).
Hoop: Don't do that to them.
Tink: What do you mean?
Hoop: They love you, and because they like spending time with you, they'll go. But they're not going to WANT to go.
Tink: Oh my God. You're right!
Hoop: What are you doing?
Tink: Calling them.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
He will dance Only if you shoot at his feet.
Party on this Halloween You're either late or really really early.
Bigger is better they say WHO says? Please, point the way. I'd like THEM to make me clothes.
Why settle for what you have? Pfft. Yeah. Cause that would be stoopid.
Want it to hang? Like, out? No.
As seen on television Hopefully not on COPS.
Dating for sexoholics What dating? Don't they just meet at a hotel?

Question Of The Day:
Without looking back in the archives, what is the most memorable post on this blog? What about another blog? For example, whenever I think of Mama T's blog, I think of the post where Julia found a dead ladybug in the car and wanted it revived. For the life of me though, I can't find that post. I'm not dreaming it up, am I Kat? When I think of Sunshine, I think of Blog Prom. With Mignon, it's the horribly misspelled (and hilarious) Valentine's from her daughter's class. So, what is it for you? You tell me yours and I'll tell you more of mine.

Bag Hand Man

And other fairly stupid conversations...

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Emo people confuse me.
Hoop: Me too. I mean, why would you name yourself after a Muppet on Sesame Street?
Tink: What?
Hoop: You know, the one that dances and sings.
Tink: I don't- Oh! *Bursts into laughter*
Hoop: What?
Tink: Not ELMO, you nerd. EMO!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Why do you have a plastic produce bag on your hand?
Hoop: It's keeping me warm.
Tink: Oh-kay.
Hoop: Just call me, "Bag Hand Man."

Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: Got any big plans this weekend?
Coworker: I think my wife is dragging me out to a farmer's market or something on Saturday. Then on Sunday I'm going to landscape the front yard before it gets cold. We might go see a movie tonight. "The Kingdom" looks good. I don't know. We'll see. What about you? Got any plans this weekend?
Tink: I'm making cupcakes.
Coworker: Oh.
Tink: ...
Coworker: Is that all?
Tink: Is there a better way to spend the weekend?!

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
Did you get this yet? Get what?
Don't lose this. What is it?
We have what you need. Lots of money?
Here, this is for you. What is it?!
!..!!![]:! -.!! :(!!! ) : No need to get belligerent.
Custard Celestine Uh, thanks. Just what I've always wanted... Saint pudding.

Have a fantastic weekend!

P.S. Don't forget, the WWC words for this week are Posed and Natural.

Better Than The Dog's Balls

Sunshine, the Queen of all things sparkly (including thongs!), passed out awards on Tuesday morning. Don't get too close. You might get a hairball.



This is the closest thing I'll ever have to a cat, since Hoop is allergic. But the next time he pisses me off, I'm going to rub this bad boy all over myself and then hug him.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Quit grabbing my boobs!
Hoop: Why?
Tink: Because they're my boobs!
Hoop: No they're not. They're MY boobs.
Tink: Fine. You can have one boob.
Hoop: Just one?
Tink: Do you want the right or the left?
Hoop: Um... The left.
Tink: That settled?
Hoop: *Fondles boob* Uh-huh.

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
I don't have to take this. I'm going to go play with my boob.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: So have you named it yet?
Hoop: Named what?
Tink: Your boob.
Hoop: No, I guess I haven't thought about it.
Tink: Well you should.
Hoop: How about... Floppy.
Tink: *blink*
Hoop: Jiggly?

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
Careful, you're being watched By who?
From the desk of Mr Cabiru Bello That dirty bastard.
This one exploded on the scene today What?! Oh wait. Nevermind.
Sheesh man, what were you thinkin I thought you said he exploded on his screen today. EW.

Tomorrow: If work doesn't bury me further, the last revised chapter for Twisted (Tink) before the new ones start up again.

Just The Good Stuff

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I love you.
Hoop: I love you more.
Tink: No you don't. I love YOU more.
Hoop: That's impossible.
Tink: Nuh-uh. I measured it while you were sleeping.
Hoop: *Blink*
Tink: Your love. I measured your love while you were sleeping.
Hoop: Whoa.
Tink: Yeah, that came out wrong.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(While spooning on the couch)
Hoop: *Whispers*
Tink: No you don't.
Hoop: How did you hear that?!
Tink: You were whispering into my ear.
Hoop: Oh yeah.
Tink: Dork.

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: I went on a date with --- last night.
Tink: Oh girl.
Coworker: What? We had a really good time!
Tink: I told you, --- is a drug dealer. He told me so when he went to Hoop's birthday party last year.
Coworker: I know. But he didn't seem to be on anything when I saw him.
Tink: What, and waste profit? Of course he wasn't.
Coworker: Good point.
Tink: Go find yourself a nice guy.
Coworker: But I really like THIS one!

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
Can you return a call? Can I? Sure! Will I? Probably not.
Jump the bell Like Taco Bell? Mmmm. Chalupa Supreme.
A Little d.i.c.k That spelling it out trick only works when you're saying it out loud.
You want yours bigger, all men do All men want my what bigger?
Best Prices for Impotence! Because the market for Viagra was already cornered.

Tomorrow: Good-bye August post.

Rinse and Repeat

One of these days I'll write a post with some SUBSTANCE.

Not today though.

Maybe tomorrow.

Around The Water Cooler:
Sales Rep: Good-bye! It was nice working with you.
Tink: Good-bye?
Sales Rep: I put in my notice today.
Tink: Where are you going?
Sales Rep: Arizona.
Tink: Did you find a good job there?
Sales Rep: Nope. I think I'll wait a few months.
Tink: How do you plan on LIVING while you're there?
Sales Rep: Remember my wife?
Tink: The woman who put a restraining order on you. How could I forget?
Sales Rep: She moved there last week.
Tink: Weren't you in the process of divorcing her?
Sales Rep: I think everything will be a lot better now that her kids are gone.
Tink: Where'd they go?
Sales Rep: She gave custody to their father and hauled ass out of town.
Tink: Sounds like a lovely woman.
Sales Rep: Now she has a cushy job as a nurse in Arizona. She said she'll pay for everything if I decide to move there with her.
Tink: And you believed her?
Sales Rep: I know. I'm a fool for love.
Tink: A fool for something.
Sales Rep: By the way, you wouldn't happen to be heading down town for lunch would you?
Tink: What happened to your car?
Sales Rep: I woke up this morning and the Saturn was gone. Repossessed. Apparently, the wife forgot to make payments on it.
Tink: What happened to your Mustang?
Sales Rep: She has it.
Tink: You never got it back?!
Sales Rep: No, but she says she'll give me the keys once I'm in Arizona.
Tink: *Open mouth stare*
Sales Rep: What?
Tink: Get out of my office-
Sales Rep: That bad?
Tink: -NOW.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
Get a huge COCK But how would I fit in my pants?
Dude, what if your wife finds this? I have a wife? Sweet! Make me pancakes, wench.
Dude you're gonna get caught, lol. Not if I kill you before you tell, lol.
Where did you hook up with that? Walmart. Their merchandise isn't the only thing that's cheap.
OMG, what are you thinking I'm thinking... What if I stopped shaving my toes?
So what you say Twprigge How did you know my elven name?

Around The Water Cooler 2:
Tink: Didn't you used to smoke?
Coworker: Yeah. I quit about two years ago.
Tink: What did you use to quit?
Coworker: Use?
Tink: Yeah. Like, gum, the patch, meds...
Coworker: I didn't use anything. I just stayed busy.
Tink: That's all?
Coworker: Mostly I just masturbated.
Tink: No wonder you're so happy!
Coworker: That's the trick. You need to find something to do when you get a craving that will make you forget about smoking all together. Something fun.
Tink: Like drinking?
Coworker: ...or sucking on a mint!

Btw: Despite the fact that I haven't responded to many of your comments lately, I DO read them and enjoy them immensely. It's what gets me through my days. So, thank you! Because of you, I haven't been carted off to the nut house yet.

I'm The New Ringleader

There's nothing quite like job hunting to make you feel completely worthless.

I applied for a Training Coordinator/HR Assistant position with the state about five days ago. Everyone kept telling me it was a waste of time. Florida law requires they post all job openings, but usually someone from within gets the position. Most times they have a candidate picked out before the notice even goes up. So I wasn't surprised when a day later I received an email saying the position had been filled. The following day I received a phone call saying they needed to ask me some questions to continue my application process.

Despite being confused, I was excited to still be in the running. But my expectations for actually getting the job were still pretty low. There was an email of decline in my box last night. "No biggie," I thought. That is, until I actually READ it. "I am contacting to say that you are not qualified for this position. Feel free to apply for another position that you are qualified for." Wait. What? Training Coordinator/HR Assistant is the position I have NOW. I'm not qualified?! I'm not qualified for the same work I've been doing for three and a half years... Ouch.

Bastards.

It appears I need a change of direction. So I've dug around in my head and come up with the one job I KNOW I'm qualified for. A Circus Employee! I'm great at juggling projects. I work really well around a bunch of nuts. *Ahem* I have a pair of pants that remind me of a circus tent. My boss won't have to worry about inter-company relationships because clowns scare the shit out of me. I'm not allergic to lions, elephants, or trick ponies. I'm little, so fitting in that tiny car will be no problem. As long as I'm the last one in and the first one out. Claustrophobia and clowns. *Shudder*

I'm flexible. I can touch my nose with my toes! I'm not scared of heights, unless it involves ropes or rope bridges of any kind. I was the swinging champion back in third grade. I leapt off six whole feet! I totally whooped Lindsay H.'s ass. I have awesome balance, unless the object I'm balancing on is moving or smaller than the span of my foot. Ummm. Uh. Oh who am I kidding! The state is right. I'm completely talentless. I mean, they would know right? They're in charge of taxes, the police force, road construction, traffic lights... And we all know those things are perfect.

Fucking Bastards.

Spam Subjects:
(In the order I received them)
"Ring Ring, The phone" I'm sorry, my email didn't come with a phone.
"Answer the phone" I can't!
"Can you get the phone?" Fine, I'll pretend. Hello?
"Women like big ones" That's what you called me about?
"Please Confirm" That depends on how big we're talking. If it's the difference of gherkins or cucumbers, well...

Combo Platter

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: I wish I had a fast forward button. I'd skip right through this day.
Hoop: I wish I had a pause button. I'd stop time as soon as we got home. Then we could unpause it whenever we were ready to go back.
Tink: We'd never unpause it then!
Hoop: Exactly.
Tink: We'd live our whole lives suspended in a day.
Hoop: Wouldn't that be great?
Tink: We could travel.
Hoop: We'd have to buy a boat.
Tink: Pfft. We could steal a boat. Who would know?
Hoop: That's true.
Tink: We'd have to be careful though. No one would be there to help us if we got lost or hurt.
Hoop: We could drift along and fish for food.
Tink: The fish would be pretty easy to catch.
Hoop: We could just scoop them out of the water.
Tink: *Sigh* I wish I had invented the world.

Around The Water Cooler:
Tink: Last night I dreamt that I removed all my teeth.
Coworker: Eww.
Tink: Then I tried to put them back in but they wouldn't fit. So I ate them.
Coworker: Were they good?
Tink: Eh. Kind of crunchy.

Spam Mail Subjects:
"Get your swiss together" Between a few slices of ham maybe.
"Rolex mania is down" So you no longer have to promise your first born to get one?

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
bunifa cell phone smoothie That's one way to recycle.
does a dandelion tell if you like butter Sorry, I don't speak "dandelion."
how to keep a bathtub white Don't use it.
gay sports Um... DRAG racing?
Should I try to rekindle a toxic relationship? You obviously don't watch Dr. Phil.
I would like to tear off your bra and suck milk from your sexy boobs Only if you spend 10 months in my uterus first buddy.
Arabella get naked in Playboy Hey now. Whatever she did before I met her is none of my business.
Does steak make your boobs grow? Buy me some steaks and I'll let you know.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Shouting from separate rooms)
Hoop: Hey babe!
Tink: Yeah?
Hoop: Could you help me take off my clothes?
Tink: You can't do it yourself?
Hoop: No.
Tink: Nice try, Hoop.
...
Hoop: Hey babe!
Tink: Yeah?
Hoop: I have a present in my pants for you!


Courtesy of Odd Mix:

Time
Remain

Come on, you know you want to play! Rules of the game are here.

Twisted (Tink): I've updated each chapter with buttons so you can scroll backwards and forwards through the pages instead of clicking home every time.

Have a great weekend guys!

Short and Stupid

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I can't believe how many "W" stickers I still see on cars.
Tink: Stupid Bush. I say we boycott him by not using the letter "w" anymore.
Hoop: That...might...be...a...little...difficult.
Tink: Had to think about it first huh?
Hoop: Yeah.
Tink: Maybe we- crap. I used a "w".
Hoop: Give it up.
Tink: But it was such a good idea!
Hoop: We could boycott "u" instead. It's half of "double-u".
Tink: Why is that? Shouldn't it be called "Wah" instead?
Hoop: It's also the only letter without its own sound in its name.
Tink: Weird.
Hoop: Stupid Bush.
Tink: Yeah. Stupid Bush. Way to ruin a cool letter!

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
Is it just me, or does that man's mouth look like a talking pussy?

Spam Mail Subjects:
(YAY! They're back.)
1. "Stay at your place." I'll be waiting with a ball bat, buddy.
2. "Fraudulent Spam" At least they're honest.
3. "Want to get laid tonight? You can!" Pfft. Thanks for your permission.
4. "Extra Money Required" Extra money? What the hell is that?
5. "Join the BizOp of 2007" Fo shizzy.
6. "Call me back." I don't think you understand how EMAIL works.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(Talking on two-ways)
Tink: Don't forget we're having dinner at my parents' house tonight.
Hoop: What? You're breaking up.
Tink: Don't forget we're having dinner at my parents' house tonight!
Hoop: Hold on babe.
Tink: *Grrr*
Hoop: Sorry about that. I was pulling into McDonalds.
Tink: WHAT? Why are you doing that?
Hoop: So I could hear you freak out when I told you.
Tink: You are such a shit.
Hoop: I know... So, what are we having?