Bring On The Eggnog

This weekend was interesting, to say the least. My family came over to the house Saturday evening, following a birthday party for my Mom at a nearby restaurant. When Hoop opened the door to let them in, a tiny bird flew in too. From the way my brother's girlfriend was screaming, you would have thought it was a pterodactyl. I eventually caught the poor thing in one of our hanging cooking pots. Its heart was practically humming against my hand as I took it outside. When I opened my fingers it paused, almost in disbelief, before shooting straight up into the black sky.

Sunday, Hoop and I took my brothers Christmas shopping. All was going well until we went into the sports store. We were just about to leave when Big Bit (the 16 yr. old) came limping up to me and said he'd gotten cut on a stationary bicycle. It wasn't a cut though, it was a gash. Our next stop was the local hospital. Three hours and six stitches later, we were more than ready to call it a day. There's only so much weather channel a person can take. Although, people watching was at its finest. I saw three broken hands, two injured eyes, and a wood chopping injury. Ouch.

Friday's Holiday Meme

1. What was the best present you've ever received?
For Christmas- An entire set of model horses. I was eleven. All my friends had them. I'd been pining after a set of my own for months. My Mom and I had carefully picked these out for my cousins, so I'd thought. But in the end, they turned out to be for me!
Other- The first year Hoop and I were together, he bought me a digital camera. I'd been using his for about three months when it died. I felt horrible and offered to replace it. But instead, he bought ME one. It was totally unexpected and more expensive than I'm comfortable admitting. By far, it was the most thoughtful gift he could have given me.

2. What was the worst?
A set of chipped angel-head butter spreaders that were obviously used.

3. What is something you really want this year for yourself?
Books.

4. What is something you really want this year for someone else?
A Vita-Mix juicer for my Mom. Unfortunately, it's WAY out of price range.

5. What's your favorite Christmas memory?
When my brothers were very young, they would get up at the crack of dawn and run screaming through the house that Santa had come. I miss that excitement. Christmas is always lovely. I have my family. We have our health. But there's something special about Christmas through the eyes of a child.

Let us know if you participated!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Are you hot?
Hoop: Am I hot?
Tink: Yeah.
Hoop: No. I'd need to lose 20 pounds and get some sun first.
Tink: Oh-kay... So I take it you DON'T want me to turn on the fan then?

How was your weekend?

There's Snow In Hell Today

I've decided to create a meme.

No, I'm not drunk.

It a SEASONAL meme, OK? I was feeling Christmasy. So here's the deal. I'm not going to make you partake in this. But if you do, I promise to tell Santa that you've been very good this year (even though I know the truth). That's right, the big guy and I are close friends. I helped him cover up that drunk driving scandal a few years ago involving Blitzen and that old lady from down the lane, Grandma something-or-other. Well, you're just going to have to believe me.

Here we go.

Answer these questions here or on your own blog with a link to it in the comment section.

1. What was the best present you've ever received?
2. What was the worst?
3. What is something you really want this year for yourself?
4. What is something you really want this year for someone else?
5. What's your favorite Christmas memory?

For those who don't celebrate Christmas but would still like to participate, feel free to substitute the holiday with another or a birthday. I'll post my answers on Monday.

Have a great and safe weekend Homebloys!

Attack Of The Memes

The last time I participated in a meme (not of my own creation) was back in January. The reason is simple. I don't like them. So, if you have tagged me in the last nine months and I have failed to acknowledged it, please know that it's not because I don't love you. It's because I, much like a child below the age of five, like to believe that if you can't see something, it can't see you either. Like maybe if I ignore the fact that you tagged me, you might forget that you did it. What, that doesn't work? I'm going to ignore that you said that. But sometimes, if you're lucky and I'm bored, I'll do your meme anyway.

Like today...

Tagged by Krissa:

1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and link to their blog. Feel free to steal this if you want to.
4. Let each person know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. Consider yourself notified.

1. I hate imitation banana flavoring.
2. Sometimes I talk in a British accent for no reason.
3. I STILL hide things that I did as a teen from my Mom.
4. I have no problem handling frogs, lizards and snakes that I know aren't poisonous.
5. On average, I take about three photos a day.
6. Hoop has better fashion sense than I do.
7. I love conventions for the free food.

Tagged by Tawcan:

5 things I was doing 10 years ago-
Smoking pot
Sneaking out
Sleeping in class
Thinking I knew everything
Typical 15 year old crap that drives parents crazy

5 things on my to do list today-
Work (Bleh)
Get Marriage License DONE!
Do laundry
Watch "Pushing Daisies"
Walk at least 7,000 steps

5 snacks I love-
Pocky
Extra Cheddar Goldfish Crackers
Cut-up Mango
Candied Pecans
Fried Onions

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire-
Quit working for awhile and travel
Go to college
Pay for my brothers to go to college
Invest
Donate the rest

5 places I’ve lived-
Sylvania, Ohio
Toledo, Ohio
Phoenix, Arizona
South Bend, Indiana
A Small Drinking Village, Florida

5 jobs I’ve had-
Novelty Knife Salesman at a Flea Market
Peon at the Body Shop Clothing Store
Condo Cleaner
Transportation Clerk at a Food Warehouse
Do-All Girl at a Beer Distributor

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Crap. The only thing on is "Cops".
Tink: Hey, I think this was filmed in Jacksonville. I recognize the uniforms.
Hoop: You recognize the UNICORNS?!
Tink: Yeah, because that makes so much sense.
Hoop: I thought you were calling the cops unicorns or something.
Tink: "Freeze! This is the unicorns! Come out with your hands in the-"
Hoop: -Oh shut up.
Tink: Man, I hope I never get pulled over by a unicorn.

I'm Not Drinking Pee

If you haven't read yesterday's post, please do so before reading further.

Here are the stats:

Eight of you voted for the same four I did-
1. A male carpenter, 25 years old
2. A male biologist, 50 years old
3. A pregnant college student, 28 years old
4. A female child, 6 years old

Seven of you voted for the physician instead of the biologist.

Four people voted for the four youngest.

One person chose to keep all the girls.

One person kept only guys.

One person suggested eating other people.

Three of you suggested they just drink pee.

Three people killed the pregnant chick.

Six people killed the kid.

Six of you are sick bastards. (I'm just sayin'.)

And eight people wimped out and didn't pick at all.

Thanks for answering, guys. That was really fun!

In Other News:
Have you seen this?

*Sigh*

End Of Da World

Before we begin, I would like to explain that this is an ethics exercise.

There is no wrong or right answer.

NUCLEAR FALLOUT SHELTER EXERCISE

You are trapped in a fallout shelter with the other Homebloys who visit this blog. The instruments in the shelter indicate that it will not be safe for your group to leave the shelter for six months. Luckily, there is enough food, water, and other facilities to permit your group to remain in the shelter for the required six months.

There is a telephone in your shelter that is linked to a fallout shelter in another city. One member of your group just spoke with a person who is trapped in the other shelter and reports the following information:

"There are nine people in the other shelter. After surveying their provisions, it has become apparent that there is only enough water to keep four members of that group alive the six months before it is safe to leave the shelter."

The other group realizes that five of its members will have to be put out of the shelter so that those remaining will have a chance to live. However, they have been unable to make the necessary decision as to who will be put out of their shelter.

The other group has asked you to make a decision on its behalf. It has agreed to implement your decision immediately and without question.

The group in the other shelter consists of the following people:

1. A male carpenter, 25 years old.
2. A male biologist, 50 years old.
3. A female attorney, 40 years old.
4. A male minister, 40 years old.
5. A pregnant college student, 28 years old.
6. A female college student, 18 years old.
7. A male mental patient, 48 years old.
8. A female child, 6 years old.
9. A male physician, 72 years old.

Which four will you choose to remain in the shelter and why?

(I have written down my own answers for tomorrow's post.)

A Bunch Of Shit I Just Threw Together

Van at FuriousBlog tagged me I-don't-even-know-how-long-ago and I've ignored the email ever since. It's not because I don't adore him. I just... Well, memes make me cringe a little. If I get one more request for four unique facts about me, I'm going to start telling people shit that isn't true. Like maybe I have a sexual fetish for Post-it notes. Oh yeah, wrap your brain around that one my friends.

(two other names you go by)
Babe and Cristinky
(two things you are wearing right now)
clothes and dog hair
(two things you would want (or have) in a relationship)
laughter and the ability to forgive
(two of your favorite things to do)
make up new lyrics to songs on the fly and take trips with Hoop
(two things you want very badly at the moment)
a vacation and a big wad of found cash
(two pets you had/have)
a mouse named Lucky (who wasn't) and a mouse named Zoa (after spermatozoa)
(two people you think will fill this out)
you and you
(two things that you did last night)
ate steak and opened presents
(two things you ate today)
chips and cake (but not together)
(two people you last talked to)
Hoop and the voice in my head
(two things you’re doing tomorrow)
driving to our other facility and training a new employee
(two longest car rides)
Indiana to Florida and then Florida to Indiana (four times!)
(two favorite holidays)
Halloween and Christmas
(two favorite beverages)
coffee and key lime water
(two people no longer alive who you’d like to talk to)
Amelia Earhart and Roald Dahl

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Do I have weird elbows?
Hoop: Yup.
Tink: You mean your arms don't go in and then out again if you hold them out in front of you with your palms up?
Hoop: Um, NO.
Tink: Why did it take me twenty-five years to realize I have dysfunctional arms?!
Hoop: Your arms aren't dysfunctional, babe. Just your elbows.
Tink: Oh God I hope our kids take after you. We're going to have mutant babies, I just know it.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: My boss yelled at me again for not putting the toilet seat down. I told her, "Well maybe women should learn to put the seat up!" I don't want to have to touch it. That's gross!
Tink: They don't want to have to touch it either! Besides, guys are the ones that dribble all over the place.
Hoop: Well maybe I'll just start peeing with the seat down.
Tink: I'm glad I don't have to deal with that. I have two private bathrooms at my disposal, one to pee in and one to poop in.
Hoop: *Chokes*
Tink: What, you thought I stayed at this job for the MONEY?

January Search Terms:
1. "turned to poo" Why you should NEVER piss off your Fairy Godmother.
2. blowjob revenge knife Ouch
3. I'm too chubby for my shirt
4. How to attract fairies to come inside your house Pizza and beer
5. It can never be over until it's over

I'm off to my company's other facility. See you on Friday Homebloys!

Outbreak 2

What the hell is wrong with you people? Quit tagging me!

Forewarning, this sequel is probably going to suck like "Jaws 2".

But I'm doing it for the *delectable and savory G-Man. Even though this meme requires not four but SEVEN random facts. Oy vey. Maybe I'll make it a holiday edition. After that I'm disinfecting the blog. So please, do not pass your infectious memes this way. I will bust out the sporks. I haven't had a spork-slaying this year, but it's not too late to start.

1. Provide a link to the person who tagged you, and spell out the rules of the meme on your blog. DONE
2. Share 7 (seven) random and/or weird facts about yourself. How bout six and a half?
3. Tag 7 (seven) random bloggers with this meme and post links to their blogs at the end of this post. I like how they spell out the number just in case you're too stupid to understand.
4. Let those who have been tagged know so by leaving a comment on their blog, and telling them where to find information regarding the meme they are now obliged to do. Ha ha. I'm not going to do it just to spite you, evil meme!

Vun. The year before I met Hoop, I dated a guy who was nicknamed Korndog. Yes, with a "K". God, that man was stupid. It was right around Christmas time when I realized I didn't want to continue seeing him. He was controlling and had a bad habit of resorting to childish behavior each time things didn't go his way. Like turning on the washing machine, the sprinkler, and the dish washer while I was taking a shower just to be nasty. So I ended the relationship with Korndog... So I thought. He had other ideas. For two weeks he badgered me with phone calls and texts. Finally, as a last resort, I agreed to have dinner with him so we could "discuss" things. I offered to pick him up. Only instead of driving to a restaurant, I took him to Target instead. "I just need to exchange a few things," I told him. I loaded him up with bags and we went into the store. You should have seen the look on his face when I opened the bags to reveal all the Christmas presents I had bought him! He asked to be taken home after that. How's that for closure?

Two. I could do without the presents, the fancy dinner, and the lights outside. But Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas without a tree. Even when I was living alone, I made the journey to the tree lot almost every year. I couldn't afford much more than a Charlie Brown variety, but having a tree always put me in the spirit just the same. Last year, Hoop and I didn't have a tree because we didn't have a house. So I'm really looking forward to decorating one this year!

Tree. The worst present I've ever received was a set of chipped angel head butter spreaders. The second worst was a necklace made out of rusty bits of metal. Both were given to me by my maternal Grandfather's wife. I think she secretly hates me.

Vore. The best way to NOT get something from me for Christmas is to tell me that you want it. I pride myself on getting people presents that they don't expect and always love. So it's always a huge disappointment when I find out the person either didn't like the gift or hasn't used it since. Last year I bought Hoop a Camelbak, a Chipper Jones collectors picture, and a bunch of other crap he's never used. So this year I'm focusing all my gift-giving energy on him. If that doesn't work, I think my new tradition will be to get him drunk on Christmas morning.

Vive. One of my favorite Christmas memories was from 2003. I was working retail with a single Mother of four and a bachelor with three girlfriends. None of the girlfriends knew about each other. So it was always a little risky when one showed up while he was working. The bachelor would post me as look-out at the front of the store while he spent time with the girlfriend in the back. On the occasion that one of the other girlfriends showed up, my job was to tell them that the bachelor was on lunch and out of the store. Then I would go to the back for "restock items". In reality, I was going to the back to tell the bachelor that the corporate office had called and that our DM was on her way for a visit. So then the bachelor would usher the girlfriend out the back so she didn't bump into the other girlfriend at the front. As you've probably guessed, this was a recipe for disaster. On the Christmas of 2003, all three girlfriends found out about each other by all coming to the store at the exact same time...

Sex. ...Needless to say, the bachelor didn't have any girlfriends by Christmas. So instead, he pooled the money he would have spent on gifts into a fund I had created for the single Mom. We both met after work one day, bought presents, wrapped them, and dropped them off at the back door of our store. She never found out who did it, although I'm sure she suspected. Since then, it has always been a goal of mine to find another single Mom at Christmas. Two years ago, Hoop and I made due with a Mom whose husband was overseas. It's a great tradition. One I wish more people would catch onto. *HINT*

Savan. Sex un a have. Whenever I sit on Santa's knee, it makes me really, really h-

Well, that's all folks. I hope you enjoyed the show. Hopefully tomorrows post will be meme free.

*Please see post 1.

Outbreak

The *delicious and wholesome Alli has tagged me with a meme. Don't worry, I've forgiven her. She's new and doesn't understand how frequently these things make the rounds. They're like colds, only more vicious. The only thing the flu has ever gotten out of me is snot. Unlike this meme, which requires five random and weird facts. Jebus. Isn't my blog just one BIG random and weird fact? Enough bitching, here's da rules.

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog. Done.
2. Share 5 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are TAGGED by leaving a comment on their blog.

Vun. I hate grease. Greasy foods. Greasy skin. Everything greasy under my hood. When posed with the question, "Would you rather eat a double scoop of lard on a sugar cone or drink a 6oz glass of phlegm?" I didn't even hesitate to shout, "Find me a straw!" Fortunately, it was just a game and I didn't really have to eat anything. But the thought of licking up a big grease ball made me want to cut out my tongue. On a rare occasion Hoop can get me to eat grease in the form of fried chicken, but only if it's well hidden in a salad. Other than that, count me out.

Two. I'm a HUGE "What if" person. I once spent an entire commute (approximately one hour) thinking of ways I would escape my car if it happened to go over the side of the bridge. For many years I carried a Swiss Army knife, a coat hanger, a bottle of water, and a spare pair of panties in my trunk. All items were eventually lost or used for non-emergency purposes. The underwear met its end at the hands of some drunk friends who used it as a slingshot.

Tree. Names and name meanings fascinate me. In Twisted, every name has a meaning that correlates with the character or story in some way. When I was little, I thought of a million names I wanted for my future children. Toby, Lily, Nova, and Cora were among them. Those names have since been used for various pets. Each of our dogs has four nicknames at the least. I name cars and certain appliances. Once, I even named a stapler. Its name was "Moose" if you're curious.

Vore. Unlike Alli, I have never met anyone famous. Unless you count Mickey Mouse. I've never even met someone who became famous later on or was locally infamous. When the Superbowl was being held in Jacksonville, I went to a huge publicized party in the hopes of seeing someone famous. But the Playboy Bunnies and P. Diddy didn't show up until after hours. I tried to look super cute, but the bouncer still threw me out.

Vive. I have bizarre fantasies. No, not those kinds of fantasies! I mean the totally random and off the wall kind. The other day I was standing in the middle of the produce isle and I suddenly got the urge to bite an onion. I didn't. But I wanted to. Sometimes I fantasize about pushing people off curbs or driving until I run out of gas. I used to fantasize about taking a bath in milk. No lie. Lately my fantasies have been of the work variety. I daydream about staying late just so I can screw with the desks of all the people I dislike. Nothing too extreme. Maybe I'd just switch their supplies from right to left or put a piece of tape over the ball on their mouse.

TAG: Eh. If you're feeling froggy, jump.

* You can only use the descriptions awesome, wonderful, talented and beautiful for so long before they stop meaning anything. So I've decided that I'm going to start describing things like I do food...

P.S. Don't forget, the WWC words for tomorrow are ASSORTMENT and PURPLE.

"You like me, you really like me!"

Thank you Maggie for nominating me for this "Rockin' Girl Blogger" award. I'm not worthy! Although I can play a mean air ukulele.



I would like to thank all the little people: Dopey, Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Stupid, Sleazy, and Drunk. Without you and that creepy witch corrupting my childhood, I wouldn't be nearly as strange as I am today. I would also like to thank my fellow bloggers, Hoop, Mom, and this thankless job. It's because of you that this blog is even still around. And now to pass the torch. Would the following people please stand to receive their award:

Newt
Meno
Gray Mama
Mama T (Even if she mistakenly thinks she's going to beat me in a poking contest)

In Other News:

Hoop got into another car accident on the way home yesterday. He's fine. It wasn't his fault. He'd been sitting at a light when the young kid behind him decided to not stop and plowed him into the back end of a truck. The only thing damaged was the already ruined bumper. No one else's car was hurt. So Hoop struck up a cash deal with the culprit and went on his way. We think the car is cursed. Anyone want a cheap car with low mileage? It's only a little possessed.

Many thanks for all the advice and support I got on Tuesday's post about quitting smoking. My Mom has decided to get on Chantix first and be the guinea pig. Depending on her reaction to it, I may or may not be getting on it within the next two months. As before, you guys will be filled in on all the gritty details.

Hoop woke me up this morning at 4am, coughing and hacking. After several minutes of walking around and flipping on lights, he crawled back into bed, only to resume coughing and hacking again. After three nights of disturbed sleep due to the overcrowding of dogs and Hoop's tossing and turning, I'd had enough. With a quiet curse I leapt from the bed and made my way to the guest room. I slept there until my alarm went off at six. It was pure bliss! I had plenty of room. It wasn't too hot or crowded. Should I feel guilty for having enjoyed it so much?

A Little Somethin' Somethin'

Tagged: by Chelle

Use ONE WORD for each answer.

Yourself: Nutty

Your Partner: Nuttier

Your Hair: Scraggly

Your Mother: Strong

Your Father: Waste

Your Favorite Item: Chapstick

Your Dream Last Night: Dirty

Your Favorite Drink: Coke

Your Dream Car: Mazda

Your Dream Home: Finished

The Room You Are In: Office

Your Fear: Clowns

Where You Want To Be In Ten Years: Loved

Who You Hung Out With Last Night: Hoop

You’re Not: Shy

One of Your Wish List Items: Ring

The Last Thing You Did: Peed

You Are Wearing: Smile

Your Favorite Weather: Sunny

Your Favorite Book: Adventure

Last Thing You Ate: Pocky

Your Life: Crazy

Your Mood: Hopeful

Your Best Friend: Hoop

What Are You Thinking About Right Now: Leaving

Your Car: Utilitarian

What Are You Doing At The Moment: Duh

Relationship Status: Taken

What Is On Your TV: Commercials

What Is The Weather Like: Enticing

When Is The Last Time You Laughed: Today

Tagging: Anyone who wants to play.

Technicolor Tink

I believe we all live colorful lives.

It's just that sometimes we're color blind.

Lately the colors of my life haven't been as vivid as they once were. I haven't enjoyed the simple things as much, too bogged down by the complicated ones. I realized this morning, during that tedious hour commute, that I don't like this cynical girl. "Where'd the other one go? Is she hiding?" I decided last week that I'm going to be less grumpy in the mornings. If you knew me, you'd understand what a huge undertaking that is. "But you're ALWAYS a mega bitch in the mornings!" Hoop responded when I told him of my plan. "That's... who you are!" Thanks babe.

I've done pretty well so far. Instead of pitching a fit because I can't find my shoes or the shared comb Hoop likes to hide, I do meditative breathing hyperventilate in the mirror. Baby steps. It's better than throwing things. But don't judge me too harshly. I only throw sturdy things into soft things. Like the phone into the pillow. You see, a second before I reach for something to break, there's a tiny voice that pops into my head. "You're going to regret thiiiiis," it says. Which is annoying when you're really really pissed. So I decided to compromise with it so it shuts the hell up.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes, rambling. There's a hole puncher on my desk. It's one of those archaic metal ones, the kind you could club a baby seal to death with. When I first moved into my office, people would stroll in looking for a pencil to steal and catch their eye on it. Not literally folks. Stay with me. "Where'd you dig that out from?" They'd ask. "I stole it from a dead guy." That pretty much ended the conversation. The scary part is... It's true. Although to be fair, I didn't know he was dead when I stole it. I mean, I didn't know I was "stealing" it either.

When I first started working here, "here" being completely irrelevant, my cube was completely bare of office supplies. It didn't take long for me to figure out why. In this company, the moment you leave your position, your office supplies go up for grabs. Sometimes within an hour of you giving your two weeks notice. You never figure out who grabbed what, so it's pointless to pull blame. But you can bet the people with the poker faces know SOMETHING. During the first week of work, I managed to snag a stapler and a pair of scissors.

I was fortunate the head of graphics had called it quits, otherwise I might have gone another week licking and tearing papers. On the second week of work I noticed an empty office. I watched it carefully, waiting for the employee who used it to come back. But he never did. So one day, after five days of waiting, I went in and cleaned house. The prize of the haul was my infamous hole puncher. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I learned the story behind my hole puncher's previous owner. Evidently he'd died. They'd been keeping his office that way in remembrance.

As much as you may want to believe this story is fiction... Because let's face it, it's kind of demented. It's true. I own it. It's part of the colorful (somewhat twisted) life I lead. Maybe it would be easier to tell people I found the hole puncher. But this is the shit I'm talking about. Color. No, not auras. Although I believe I'm a peachish color if you're wondering. I mean the crazy details and stories we forget to notice. Like the warehouse guy I work with who whispers certain words like they're vulgar. I don't care how hot and bothered "humidity" makes you. It's not a dirty word!

So I want you to tell me something colorful. Give me an interesting story/twist/detail for something completely ordinary. Like the girl who works at the gas station who has curls in the front of her hair but not the back because she can't reach it with a curling iron. Or... There's a scar on my leg that my Mom swears is a chicken pock scar. But I distinctly remember a worm crawling out of it when I was seven. It scarred me for life. I can't touch the damn thing without getting the heebie jeebies. You have something to share. I know you do. Shake off the color blindness.

Header Tutorial for Jen:
Most of my blog headers start off as photographs. Like the one for Twisted (Tink). It started off as a picture I'd taken of a tree. Then I cropped it to the appropriate size and ran it through the filters in Digital Image Pro 7. For that specific header I used "Diffuse Glow" and "Stain Glass", in that order. Then I overlayed a picture of an apple I'd cut out from another picture I'd taken. After that I overlapped my title. You can find some neat fonts on websites like Urbanfonts.com and Dafonts.com. You can find color schemes here, along with their html codes. It takes time to get it exactly how you want it. The program is limited, the price you pay for being inexpensive. But the finished product is almost always worth the time!

Blogger Day Of Fun

I'm taking the day off from posting. Instead, I'm going to make masterpieces...

I call this one "Fairy Orgy."


"War Of The Triangles"


"Naked Lady With Big Butt"


"Boobs"


You can thank Jinx for turning me on to the Jackson Pollock site. Give it a try! Or comment about another addictive site that you've found.

As well as making dirty art, I'll be updating Twisted Tink today. So stop by and tell me what you think of the new layout.

Ciao!

Catastrophe Averted

Updates:
1. Grandma's surgery went well! They didn't find cancer in any other organs. She's recovering and should be back at home (on bed rest) come Sunday.
2. There are over 200 fires in Florida right now. They say the dry spells are getting worse. In the past six months there have been only two days of significant rain, and they were the same days we had tornadoes. Maybe Hoop and I should put our house up for sale as "Future Desert-Front Property"?
3. The fire near my parents' house has slowed down a bit, thanks to Subtropical Depression Andrea. No new evacuations have been ordered as of yet.
4. Hoop has decided he wants to become a stripper.
5. Not really. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Around The Water Cooler:
Boss: I have nothing to say to you.
Tink: Then why say anything at all?
Boss: Oh, you're gooood.
Tink: That's why you hired me, sir.

Around The Water Cooler 2:
Coworker: I heard about the fires near your parents' house. Is everything OK?
Tink: Yeah, Papa Bear said he'd call if they evacuate.
Coworker: Are they going to stay at your house if they do?
Tink: Well, the boys will. Papa Bear is determined to stay and fight off the flames himself.
Coworker: WHY?
Tink: He says it's because they wouldn't have time to move the horses. Personally, I think he's itching for the chance to play hero.
Coworker: So... Barbecue at their house on Friday?
Tink: Pretty much.

Tagged By Cindi:
7 Things Meme (Seven random facts/habits about me)

1. I can't pee if I know someone is listening. It wigs me out.
2. I used to bite my toenails.
3. I'm a compulsive hand washer. Which also means I go through A LOT of lotion. But I also don't get sick that often.
4. I can't stand carpet. I think having carpet is like wearing the same shirt every day without washing it.
5. I love ears. I nibble and play with Hoop's all the time. I used to tug on mine whenever I was nervous. Then someone pointed it out.
6. I used to wish I was a hot Asian chick.
7. I hate suspension bridges, but LOVE roller coasters.

P.S. Tag, if you're feeling froggy.

May Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. names for a womans privates Check out my list here.
2. where can i buy pickled beef That depends. How much money have you got?
3. taboo 3 - two 40ish moms seduce pizza guy That's taboo?
4. it's your virgin, take it back How did it get stolen in the first place?
5. dog diarrhea puke cures I suggest plugging up the holes.
6. Thinking Room Sorry, next blog. This here is the Stupid Room.
7. hottest chick of mud bogging The first one you find with all of her teeth.
8. Why do my girlfriends nipples taste funny? Hoop?!

Skull Shaped Blog

Thank you all for giving Hoop such a warm welcome to the blogosphere! He hasn't gotten a chance to read or respond to any of the comments yet, due to a 40 hour crash course he took over the weekend for his job. But he called repeatedly to ask how many responses he'd gotten and if "any were good." So I can only hope this will mean more guest posts from my lovely other half.

In other news...

Sunshine of "The Pursuit Of Happiness" has nominated me for a Thinking Award. Feel free to covet it.



In the year and a half since opening this blog, this is the FIRST award I've ever received. Part of me wants to frame it. It would go great next to my pretend professional degree in Bullshit and all those ribbons I got in Elementary P.E. that say "Number 1 Contestant." Which is just a fancy way of saying I tried. So thank you Sunshine. You completely made my week. Here's why she says I deserve it:

Tink is one of those people I’d put in the “old soul” category. She’s an adorable little tiny 20-something who has a wisdom, knowledge, and maturity far beyond her years. She writes about a variety of topics and posts often, keeps you interested. I never know what she’s going to write on. Sometimes it’s a sad reflection about AG (you have to start reading her to know what that stands for) and then she’ll write a hilarious post about 12-year olds in an axe throwing contest at a Scottish festival.

My Thinking Posts: (As opposed to the ones I reread and wonder how many brain cells I killed during my heyday. Which probably explains the Tilted Head Syndrome.)

12/12/05 Ghetto Christmas

02/03/06 The Flight Out

02/15/06 Layers Of The Onion

02/16/06 Onion Soup

04/05/06 Media Roast

10/20/06 Thinking Room

11/22/06 Giving Thanks

01/30/07 Bum Fuck Egypt

01/24/07 Two Laughs

01/24/07 Dandelion Heads

02/20/07 George

03/22/07 "Be a good girl."

Now it's time to share the love to the following five. I tried to pick people who haven't received an award from me before or are not on my blogroll yet.

MENO'S BLOG I was hooked after reading Meno's post about buying her daughter a vibrator. I never knew a Mom could be so cool! I love that she's also down to earth, and exceptionally witty. Whether she's talking about the time she put a fish in her brother's car or about friendships of convenience (we've all had them), she always gets me thinking outside of the box.

MIND MOSS I can't believe Maggie hasn't been awarded this yet! Unless she has, in which case she should fake like she hasn't. Her poetry is some of the most beautiful I've ever read, completely thought provoking and raw. I look forward to going to her blog every Friday for the next verse. She's an extremely talented lady.

THE MOODY CHICK Wonder when it's OK to lie to your kid? Do you know what the six key steps to being a good salesperson are? MC's topics are always interesting and never cookie cutter. When she's not writing, she's posting pictures of her beautiful daughter and all her previous travels. Seriously, check out the photos. They're amazing.

LONG RELIEF Lefty is one of those guys who physically left bachelorhood, but never left it mentally. It probably has something to do with all the women in his life. I became a reader after finding his post on being left home alone. My favorite posts deal with stupid coworkers, bad haircuts, and really long nose hairs. I don't know if any of those posts can be considered "thinking" posts, but I like them, and I like how his mind works.

BUTTERFLY IN DISGUISE Some of my favorite "thinking" posts by BG deal with love, children, and catching the neighbors having sex. Yeah, that was the curve ball. Her blog is like a window into her world, completely honest and without disguise (despite what her blog title says).

Please pick up your shiny new awards HERE.

Tomorrow: Weekend Recap. It's going to be a doozy.
Wednesday: WWC Pictures.

Do You Have Dogitis?

I had a dream last night that my Mom came over for a visit and found some old medical paperwork of Hoop's. It was buried in between pictures of him shark and octopus hunting. You thought I meant fishing didn't you? No, he was doing it on dry land. "He's got Dogitis!" My Mom gasped, waving the paperwork in my face. "Dogitis is a disease that makes your face bloat and changes your skin color. He has been looking a little blue lately." So I confronted him about it and he admitted it was true. Caught by scratching at an infected scab one day. When the alarm woke me up, he was turning a lovely shade of green. I'm kind of disappointed. I didn't get to see what color he ended up being!

Questions from the fabulous and creative Odd Mix:

1. Do you find it easier to make friends with men or women? Why?

Definitely men. I get their humor. They're easier to read. None of the cattiness or sneakiness that's prevalent among women. They tell you how it is and expect you not to cry about it. They're less judgmental because the threat of competition is gone. I've found them to be generally more easy going and adventurous when the need for entertainment arises. I love being a woman. I love the women that are in my life. But those relationships I worked for, cultivated and cared after. With men it always fell in to place... "Want to go get some beer?" "Sure." "Cool." A pitcher later we were friends.

2. If you had to move away from Florida, to where would you want to move? (assuming that you could find a job and house without too much trouble)

Hoop and I talk about that a lot. We've considered somewhere in Tennessee or maybe the Carolinas. We both really liked Savannah, Georgia. Although Kentucky might be nice. I've only ever driven through it in passing. There are so many beautiful places around us. It would be hard to decide! Maybe we'll take a road trip before we do.

3. If you could get and care for another animal - but not a dog, cat, bird or fish - what would it be. Why?

A Giraffe! How cool would that be? I'd strap a camera to his head and spy on the neighbors. I bet he'd eat a lot though. Maybe a Kangaroo? I've heard they're kind of mean. I've always wanted a pot bellied pig or a goat. But Hoop doesn't seem very interested in either. He says a dog that thinks she's a pig is bad enough and goats will eat all our plants. So maybe something smaller? I wouldn't mind a corn snake. They're not very cuddly. But they're fascinating to hold and watch. You know, I think I'd like one of everything. Oh, and the money to house and feed them all too.

4. Why did you start smoking again? When are you going to quit?

I'm weak! Out of the three of us (Mom, Hoop, and myself) I was doing the best by week two. I was down to one cigarette a day and had gotten over the spontaneous fits of confusion and anger. Instead, it was replaced by a deep depression I couldn't shake. I don't know which was worse. One after the other my partners fell off the wagon. I held on for another day or two. But in the end I realized, I need help. I'm still looking for it. It's not going to come in a patch or gum. Maybe medication. Maybe therapy. I can promise you this; I'm going to continue trying.

5. What advice would you give to the father of a brand new baby girl? (assume married and first child)

Love her as fully as you can! You'll always be her Dad. But she won't always be "Daddy's Little Girl."

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: How much do you love me?
Hoop: *Spreads arms* This much.
Tink: Only that much?
Hoop: My hands are open!
Tink: So?
Hoop: That means it goes on FOREVER.

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...

Familiar
Unknown

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "Evie's Family." Feel free to leave suggestions for a better title. I seem to be running a little dry on ideas today. As usual, comments and critiques are always appreciated. Here, I'll even get it started for you. "This chapter sucks/rocks because..." Now you fill in the rest.

Have a GREAT weekend!

Early Bird Special

G:
1. Besides being a Mom, what would you say is your greatest life accomplishment?
2. What physical feature do you try hardest to enhance?
3. Which is better, Pudding or Jello?
4. What's the most rebellious thing you've ever done?
5. If you could be a guy for one day, what would you do in that day?

Mama T:
1. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?
2. What are some things you hope your children do differently than you did?
3. What mythical animal do you wish were real?
4. Where did your screen name come from?
5. Who is hotter, Catwoman or Batgirl?

Alien:
1. What's your favorite position? (And I don't mean in baseball)
2. Have you ever shot a wild animal?
3. If you'd had a son, what would you have named him?
4. Who had it harder, Snow White or Cinderella?
5. If you had to create a title for yourself, what would it be?

Turtle:
1. It's said that owners resemble their pets. How do you most resemble your cats?
2. First kiss, magical or disappointing?
3. What do you do professionally?
4. What is something about you that most people would never guess on first meeting?
5. Would you say you wear the pants in your family, you or Foo? ;)

Kim:
1. Ever had any run-ins with the law?
2. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
3. Public places, kinky or tasteless?
4. If someone handed you a "Do Over" card, would you use it?
5. Which would you rather, the ability to fly or to breathe under water?

Jay:
1. Tits, ass, or legs?
2. If you had to choose, what would your last meal be?
3. Do you have any nicknames?
4. If you could relive one year of your life again, what year would you choose?
5. Admit it, you're pretty optimistic aren't you?

Newt:
1. What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone?
2. What character (from a book) would you most want to be?
3. Do you dream in color?
4. How much did your most expensive pair of shoes cost?
5. Which appeals more, being a princess or warrior?

Alex:
1. What's the worst date you've ever been on?
2. Despite money, job, or family, where would YOU most like to live?
3. Do you believe in ghosts?
4. Noisy in the sack, turn on or turn off?
5. What would you consider yourself, a leader or a follower?

Fiwa:
1. What would you most like to be remembered for?
2. Intimate acts, better all natural or with "enhancements"?
3. Who's hotter, Jack or Sawyer? (LOST)
4. If someone offered you and four people of your choosing to live forever, would you do it?
5. What do you do when no one is looking?

Mary:
1. You've seen a lot of medical ailments. Which would you most NOT want to have?
2. Why did you choose the profession you're in?
3. What's the most rebellious thing you've ever done?
4. Is there a specific song that hubby can play to get you in the mood?
5. Which superhero is hotter, Superman or Spiderman?

Chris:
1. Do you believe in reincarnation? If so, who do you think Chaos was in a previous life?
2. Which is better, happy endings or surprise ones?
3. If you could eat only one type of ethnic food for the rest of your life, which culture would you choose?
4. How many girl "toys" do you own?
5. In what ways are you predictable?

Wordgirl:
1. You're our master of words. So, what's your favorite ONE?
2. Best time for nookie, early morning or late at night?
3. Which character (from a book) do you think you most resemble?
4. What's the best compliment you've ever received?
5. What room in your house do you spend the most time in?

For anyone who didn't comment in time:
1. If you could swap lives with someone for a week, who would you choose?
2. What's the worst nightmare you've ever had?
3. Which is better, sweet or salty?
4. What is the worst pick-up line you've ever heard or used?
5. You're driving down the road when suddenly a neighbor you don't know and your beloved pet run in to the road. You have to hit one. Which one do you choose?

Anyone I forget? Tell us in the comment box when you've played.

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: *Walks by whistling*
Tink: Miguel, please stop. It's too early.
Coworker: It's because you don't like Mexicans right?
Tink: What? That doesn't even make any sense.
Coworker: *Whistles*
Tink: Stop!
Coworker: You know. If you put it in your mind that someone is going to be annoying, then they're going to seem annoying. I think maybe you had it out for me before you came in this morning.
Tink: No. I can assure you that's not it.
Coworker: You don't think so?
Tink: No. You were already annoying before I got up this morning.

Interview With A Vampire Satire

Questions from the wonderful and talented Mamalujo:

1. If you could meet some famous historical person (now dead), who would it be?

There are so many to choose from! That's like asking me which books I'd like to read before I die. My list of dead people to commune with would be: Da Vinci, Roald Dahl, Amelia Earhart, Douglas Adams, Anne Frank, Hans Christian Andersen... Wow, most of these are authors. Of course there's the generic answers like Napoleon, Cleopatra, Abraham Lincoln, Joan Of Arc, and Jesus. I don't think there's a dead person I wouldn't like to meet. Save for Hitler and such. Let's not resurrect murders thankyouverymuch.

2. What's the longest you've ever gone without taking a dump?

Seven days. I was vacationing in New York at the time. I have a problem with pooping on holiday. Apparently my body doesn't think it's necessary. After the sixth day I stopped eating, too afraid my body would explode with the pressure. Can you imagine? You're waiting in the subway, minding your own business, when suddenly the woman standing next to you combusts and showers you in shit. Lovely.

3. Have you quit smoking?

Sure! Twice. Am I smoking now? Unfortunately, yes. That is, until I can figure out a way to stop and NOT be tempted to kill everyone who looks, talks, or breathes at me. Hoop's Mom, a psychiatrist, keeps offering to hypnotise us. But I'm too afraid I'll walk out of her office clucking like a chicken or throw myself in front of a bus at the first unhealthy thought I have towards her son. They say you can kill one addiction with another. So far I'm just racking them up: coffee, books, movies, vibrators. I'm still working on it.

4. Do you go to church?

The last time I went to church was... eleven years ago. Unless you count the two minute wedding ceremony I attended back in 2002. But we were all counting the seconds until we could get drunk, so it wasn't exactly "holy." I tried being religious once. I wanted to believe in angels and heaven. Besides the whole Eve scam, I thought all the stories in the bible were pretty cool. And then that youth minister had to go and ruin it by telling me there were no such thing as dinosaurs. "How do you explain the gigantic bones?!" My thirteen year old self had asked. "Man created them," he explained. Then he asked me not to raise my hand again.

5. What do you consider to be your "signature" dish?

Hmm. I'm partial to my Marsala porkchops. Hoop likes my family recipe for chicken salad. I have a friend who raves about my spaghetti sauce. But desserts are my favorite thing to make. Cake cookies. Mini-cheesecakes. Mint chocolate chip cookies. Canollis. Man, I'm making MYSELF hungry!

Want to play? Leave a comment saying, "Interview me." I'll respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions to be a little more intimate! Then you will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.

Be afraid. ;)

Courtesy of Odd Mix:


Busy


Content


(Some Random Weekend Pictures)

Barge At Sunset


Dockyard


"Strike A Pose!"


Pretend Video Gaming

That's the new TV that Nash is "playing" on.

Borrowing A Beat


Private Drive


Find a few more pictures HERE.

The Three R's of New Year

Rage, Resolution, and Roaches... Oh my! This weekend was definitely one of those in which I wish I'd had a pair of magic shoes. Something in size 7 please. Preferably with the capability of transporting me someplace OTHER than home.

Rage: I came across this recipe during the weekend.

Recipe For Disaster
1 Frazzled woman
1 Basket dirty laundry
2 Sinks of dirty dishes
2 Unappreciated meals
A dash of PMS
1 Lazy boyfriend

Blend and simmer in a hotflash until burnt to a crisp.

It's a bitter meal folks, best not served over a three day weekend. I don't usually hold back on my feelings. Now I know why that's a good thing. My anger snowballed until suddenly I was pissed there was a receipt on the floor, the house smelled like onions and, "Goddamn it Hoop, why can't you throw away that Coke can? I don't care that you're not finished with it yet!" Ok, so maybe it wasn't that bad. But it was something worth marking on the calendar. We're OK now. Hoop did a few loads of laundry and bought me takeout for dinner last night. As I heard the washing machine whirling I felt the She-Hulk receding back into her shell. I think I've scared Hoop though. He hasn't been able to look me straight in the eye since. Geesh. Wimp.

Resolution: Ugh! So I've gone and done it. I've binded myself to a 2006 resolution with my Mother and Hoop. February 14th we are all going to quit smoking... February 15th I'm going to kill everyone. Just thinking about quitting makes me want to go smoke. My incentive is a digital camera, bought with the money I saved from not buying cigarettes. At about $4 a pack, that's $360 in 90 days. What I would really like to buy with the extra money is some sedatives. Sedatives might keep me from tackling all the people outside on smoke break when the withdrawals kick in. What the hell am I setting myself up for?

Roaches: As I was getting into Hoop's car last night I thought I saw something crawl across his door. I blinked. It was gone. It must have been a trick of the light. Hoop scooted in and suddenly I saw it again.

Tink: Babe, there's a roach in your car.
Hoop: Ohmygodwhere?
Tink: It crawled down your seat and disappeared.

He closed the door, blanketing us in darkness. Suddenly I heard the most blood curdling scream. In the shadows I vaguely recall Hoop's arm being flung around and the car door being swung open, blinding me momentarily with the dome light. Hoop was gone. Did the roach eat him?! Maybe that awful flailing was Hoop trying to free himself from the roach's death grip. His face peeked back into the car.

Hoop: Is it gone?
Tink: I have no idea.
Hoop: Fucker was on my arm!
Tink: Poor baby.
*He slides back into the car, breathing erratically*
Hoop: Any idea where the keys are?
Tink: You had them a second ago. What did you do with them when you jumped out?
Hoop: I don't know.
Tink: You don't know?
Hoop: *Closes eyes and leans back* I blacked out.

Tagged Again!
You can thank Momma Tulip for the therapy you all are going to need after reading these "Five Weird Facts" about myself.

1. I can bend my hand backwards and drink out of it like a bowl.

2. When I was little I had a weak eye that required me to wear an eyepatch. My Mom used to draw an eyeball on the patch or decorate it with stickers so I wouldn't feel so bad.

3. I nac daer dna etirw sdrawkcab ta tsomla eht emas deeps I nac daer dna etirw sdrawrof. I can read and write backwards at almost the same speed I can read and write forwards.

4. I am afraid of clowns/mimes and driving from a side lane to a middle lane when there is a car parallel to mine in the other side lane.

5. I was born with a horribly stunted navigation gene. The family joke is that I'll drive somewhere only to get confused and turn around to go home, because that's the only place I know how to get back to.

These 5 people have been tagged:

TB

Debbie

Brooke

Mrs. Harridan

And...The first person who comments that isn't listed above.

Random Weekend Information:
1. I had a dream on Saturday that I had a baby... And I forgot to feed it!
2. I went and saw Narnia on Friday with Hoop, who thoughtfully pointed out that I should get one of those, "Talking Beavers."
3. No midgets were harmed while in the act of groping this blogger over the holiday weekend. Not to make it sound like there was midget groping to be had. He was thankfully absent from the celebration.

The 2005 Endcap

So here I am on the cusp of yet another three day weekend. It's just too much for me to comprehend guys. I think I might start foaming at the mouth or something. Since it's bound to be a crazy weekend, hopefully NOT involving midgets with roaming hands, I decided to take down all the Christmas decorations early. *GASP* I know! What was I thinking?! I was so proud of myself when Hoop got home. I took down the decorations, disposed of the tree, and cleaned up the mess that comes from ramming a fir six times into a door frame by accident, all by my fucking self. Was he impressed? No. He was upset that it no longer looked "festive." I looked at him and said, "Well if you want it back, then you can go drag it from the marsh behind the house." That pretty much cured his waning Christmas spirit. Truth be told, I'm ready for this year to be over with. So without further ado... Here's my 2005 endcap chock full of my random "5" lists. Feel free to hop into the conga line.

5 2005 New Years Resolutions Busted:
1. Paint the house... Well, I have the paint cans. That has to count for half, right?
2. Stop smoking... *Puff puff* Did you all know these things are addictive?!
3. Save money... I saved before I spent it all.
4. Walk the dogs more... I walk them. Ok, ok. So it's in circles while I smoke. But it's still walking.
5. Quit making lists for everything... *Blink* Huh.

5 Great Ideas:
1. They should make backwards Christmas music for when you're taking down the tree.
2. There should be an art degree for bullshitting and lying.
3. Anyone over 70 should retake their driving test every 3 years. Anyone who fails will be given a complimentary golf cart instead.
4. People going on first dates should bring along resumes documenting their dating history.
5. Schools should teach more life skill classes. Example: "Quick Cures For Morning Hangovers 101."

5 Pet Peeves:
1. Up-talkers: the people who make everything sound like a question.
2. Paper cuts and hangnails.
3. Realizing there's no toilet paper after you've used the John.
4. The fact that athletes make more money than teachers.
5. People who call simply because they're bored.

5 Fun Facts:
1. The Statue Of Liberty is a lighthouse.
2. If you shake a can of mixed nuts, the larger ones will rise to the top.
3. The glue on Israeli stamps is certified kosher.
4. A microwaved baseball will fly further than a frozen baseball.
5. Astronauts cannot burp in space.

5 Oxymorons
1. Head butt
2. Clearly confused
3. Mud bath
4. Rubber cement
5. Only choice

If I don't post again until after the holiday... Have a great and safe New Year everyone!!

Tagged!

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.

The Houston Chronicles

Kim's Blog

Planet Alien

Where am I going...and why am I in this handbasket?

Pickled Beef

Questions!

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was busy trying to grow boobs. Aw, don't look at me like that. I was only 12.

What were you doing a year ago?
Getting over the breakup of a two year relationship with a man who thought a "Parka" was another word for "Opinion." No shit... I've moved up in the world.

5 snacks you enjoy?
* Flavor Blasted Goldfish Crackers
* Fruit Rollups
* Gingerbread Biscotti
* Fruit Smoothies
* Garlic and Herb Croutons ((I eat them like chips.))

5 songs you know all the lyrics to:
*"Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls
*"Date Rape" Sublime
*"Waterfalls* TLC
*"Crazy Train" Ozzy Osbourne
*"Short Short Man" Gillette

5 things you would do if you were a millionaire:
*Sell my house and buy something with land
*Go to college
*Pay off my brothers' college
*Start my own graphics business ((After college))
*Donate to research for the cure of Cancer

5 bad habits:
*Smoking cigarettes
*Substituting coffee for breakfast and lunch
*Blogging and surfing while I should be working
*Procrastinating
*Having passive aggressive fantasies of putting holes in the $70 pants a female school mate gave to Hoop for Christmas.
((Forgive me Lord for I have sinned... Over and over and over again.))

5 things I like doing:
*Hanging out in smoky, eclectic coffee shops
*Reading
*Playing games ((Board, video, computer))
*Anything with the family
*Riding on roller coasters

Tag 5 people:

TB

Mamalujo1

Ditsy Chick

Arabella

Pixie