Brodimus the Gifted

I haven't known Brodimus Prime for very long, but what I've seen so far has been impressive. I met him initially not through a blog, but through his artwork on Flickr. I've always prided myself on my creativeness in photography, writing, and drawing. So it takes some amount of jealousy for me to be impressed by someone else's work in any of those areas. I can honestly say that Brodimus' art is something worth being envious over. This of course only makes me like him more.

It also helps that he looks a lot like Hoop (according to Hoop). My other half isn't the type to meddle in my tiny corner of the blogosphere. Occasionally he'll humor me with a guest post or surprise me by knowing the real names of my closest Blogger buddies. But last night, as he peered over my shoulder at Brodimus' blog, he took a strange interest in our featured member. "He's from Atlanta? Then he MUST be cool!" So there you have it Brodimus, you have been deemed "cool" by the toughest critic ever.

If Hoop ever establishes that "Church of Cool" like he's been talking about for the last two years, you might have an invite for a deacon position. Hoop would also like to add that Happy Hour is every Sunday from 8-5. On top of being a Blogger and a professional graphic artist, Brodimus is also newly engaged. His fiancé is a stone cold fox. Which is another thing he and Hoop have in common. *Cough* I'm kidding. But seriously, you should go over there and leave him some newlywed advice. But none of that generic stuff.

If I hear "don't go to bed angry" one more time, I'm going to puke. Tell him something really useful. Like, "don't get so much life insurance that you're worth more to them dead than alive." Or if giving advice doesn't appeal, maybe you could give him some funny wedding stories or ideas. Regardless, go say Hi. Brodimus is a pretty awesome guy to know. I was tickled when he chose this post as his prize. What better way could there be to introduce him? So to you, Brodimus my gifted friend, welcome!

Tomorrow: Back to normal (whatever the hell "normal" is around here) with a farewell-to-July post. Yay!

Arabella Day

Last year Arabella was one of the winners of the PB contest. As her prize, she chose to have a personal post done about her. It wasn't a hard one for me to write. She is an amazing woman, Mom, and blogger. But most importantly, her appreciation of it made me realize how infrequently I voice how much you all mean to me. You are more friends to me than most of the people I see physically. Last year I jokingly told Arabella that I was going to make a holiday after her.

Then it dawned on me... Why not? This little corner of the blogosphere is MINE. I'll make whatever I damn well please. Besides, there aren't enough non-commercial holidays. So in celebration of you, all of you, I am naming this Arabella Day. It's the day for telling your fellow blogger what they mean to you. Here's how it goes. Leave a comment about the person who wrote before you. The next person will leave a comment about you. On it goes. You can comment as many times as you like.

Examples:
"Jay makes me laugh so hard I feel like pissing my pants"
"Newt has a heart of gold. She makes me want to be a better person."
"Mama T has great tits."

That's it. Have fun!

Friday Contest Winners!
Brodimus Prime- Post (Tuesday)
Jay- Goody Bag
Pamer- Goody Bag
Geenalyn- Goody Bag
Fiwa- Goody Bag
For everyone who chose the goody bag, please email me your mailing address (twstdtinkatyahoodotcom). I'll have them out in the mail by next weekend.

P.S. Jay presented me with the "Creative Blogger Award"! Acceptance speech on Wednesday. Bring tissues. I'm gonna cry.

P.P.S. Twisted (Tink) has been updated with another revised chapter, "Smudge On The Rug." More to come (hopefully today).

2nd Annual PB Contest!

(Rules and prizes listed in yesterday's post.)

9:00 AM Contest
1. What breed of dog are Jazzi and Duff?
2. What do Hoop and I like to “hunt” for on the beach?
3. On what day did I hit 365 posts?
4. What did Ginger the Miracle Puppy ingest over Christmas break?
5. What kind of fruit is growing in our backyard?
WINNER- Brodimus Prime!
Prize: Post

1:00 PM Contest
1. What can Hoop almost always be seen wearing?
2. Finish this sentence, “My father had two ------.”
3. What color are my eyes?
4. Name two of my addictions.
5. What color is our kitchen?
WINNER- Jay!
Prize: Goody Bag

5:00 PM Contest
1. What do I think the birthmark on my leg looks like?
2. What was the name of the tree where I buried a crystal?
3. Where did Hoop and I find the sporks used in the current header?
4. What kind of car did Hoop run into?
5. What shape does "Karma" take the form of?
WINNER- Pamer!
Prize: Goody Bag

Surprise Contest
1. Where did Hoop and I share our first kiss?
2. How many horses do my parents have?
3. If Hoop had a blog, what would it be named?
4. Give the punch line to this joke: “What has six eyes and seven teeth?”
5. What kind of company do I work for?
WINNER- Geenalyn!
Prize: Goody Bag

Midnight Contest
1. In what month did Hoop and I stop being homeless?
2. How many brothers does Hoop have?
3. Name five movies that Hoop and I have seen this year and LIKED.
4. How long is my commute to work (one way)?
5. Where was the Alamo Plaza?
WINNER- Fiwa!
Prize: Goody Bag

That's the end of the Second Annual PB Contest! Thanks to everyone who played. To those who won, please leave a comment on which prize you would like to have.

Have a great weekend.

The Guest Of Honor

(Post By Hoop)

Now I have my own holiday? Just for finding out my girlfriend has been secretly supporting our relationship to the world? I tink somebody loves me!!! It's a damn good thing too, because that somebody means everything to me. I wish I could have partook in the holiday festivities. But unfortunately, I was secluded in my little internetless world I like to call work. No but really, I hope you guys had fun. I'm sure ya'll enjoyed all your booze, strippers, and sandwiches. Damn I love sandwiches. My Grandma makes killer club sandwiches. I can make a sandwich out of anything. It's my special talent. Some of the best sandwiches are the classics like ham, peanut butter and banana, grilled cheese, and the old faithful pb&J.

I grew up on those, but then expanded my horizons to such sandwiches as egg salad, chicken salad, BLT's, and clubs. I also love tuna fish, roast beef, cubans, steak, chicken, baloney, or just plain ol' turky sandwiches. Throw some pepper jack on and I'm in heaven. As I got older, my love for sandwiches evolved even further. I started experimenting. Throwing a little mayonnaise on my peanut butter and bananas, tomato and mayonnaise, spam sandwiches, Eggo waffle sandwiches. I concocted sandwiches out of anything. One of my favorites was the triple decker with pb&J on the bottom, pb and bananas on the top.

Oh yeah, I forgot baby, nobody cares about those things but you.

Well I am getting tired, so I will say my goodbyes...

This one goes out to all of our (Tink's) fans. Thanks to everyone who supports us and Tink's Blog. You have been great.

(Back to Tink)

Don't forget, tomorrow is the Second Annual PB Contest!

The Contest: We're going to do this a little differently this year. If you would like to participate, the first part of the contest will start tomorrow at 9am (Eastern Time). I will post five questions. The first person to submit the correct answers to the comment section of tomorrow's post will be one of the four winners. The second set of questions will be posted at 1pm, the third set at 5pm, and the last set at midnight. I staggered the times so that everyone in all times zones would have an opportunity to play.

There'd be a set between 5 and midnight, but Hoop and I really want to go see the Simpsons movie. If plans change, a fifth set might unexpectedly pop up. :)

Da Rules: In the circumstance that no one gets all the answers right, the person with the most correct answers will win. If for some reason you can not comment on the blog (Blogger has been known to screw up) you can submit your answers to my email. You cannot win more than once. Cheating, if you are clever enough to find a way to, IS allowed. There is only one right answer to each question. But feel free to argue a point. I love a good debate. Winners will be announced as they come.

Prize:
1. (Will involve you emailing me your mailing address) A mixed bag of surprise goodies.
OR
2. Because it was so popular last year, a personal post. Which means I will dedicate an entire post to you and things that make me think of you

Have fun!!

Happy Hoopla!

(The anniversary of the day Hoop discovered this blog)

May I present to you...

The Hoop Interview!

Which is either the crappiest interview ever or the longest and best Hoop conversation yet. You decide.

Tink: What's the craziest thing you ever done?
Hoop: Am I keeping this PG?
Tink: You don't have to.
Hoop: I had sex with three midgets. Don't put that on there! I was kidding! *Tackles Tink*
Tink: Come on!
Hoop: No! Quit typing.
Tink: Anything you say can and will be used against you. How bout I change it to "midgets"?
Hoop: Fine.
Tink: OK. What was the craziest thing you've ever done for real?
Hoop: Um... Um... I don't know. There's too many to choose from.
Tink: What's the first one that comes to mind?
Hoop: Um.
Tink: Turn off the TV! Fine, next question. What do you think of Lindsay Lohan getting caught this morning drunk driving again.
Hoop: She got caught again?!
Tink: Yup.
Hoop: Man, she's stupid.
Tink: If we weren't together, would you do her?
Hoop: Am I sober or drunk?
Tink: Sober.
Hoop: No way.
Tink: What's your favorite color?
Hoop: Black.
Tink: That's not a color.
Hoop: Now you're getting picky.
Tink: Are you looking around the room for a color?
Hoop: Brown.
Tink: Geez.
Hoop: Maybe green.
Tink: Who do you think you were reincarnated from?
Hoop: If I believed in it, you mean?
Tink: Yeah.
Hoop: Wow babe, these are hard questions! I guess it would be... MC Escher.
Tink: I can see that. Next question. What's one of your favorite memories of us?
Hoop: Kissing on the beach under the moon.
Tink: Awww. What's one of your least favorite?
Hoop: This morning.
Tink: *Laughs* Niiice. Now ask me a question.
Hoop: What?! Why do I have to ask you a question during MY interview?
Tink: I can't think of any more questions.
Hoop: Oh fine. Do you like smooth or crunchy peanut butter?
Tink: Crunchy!
Hoop: Do you like your toilet paper rolling on the inside or outside?
Tink: Outside.
Hoop: Me too. Have you ever kissed a girl naked?
Tink: Not naked. OK, OK, back to your interview. Which would you rather do, watch a porno with your parents or watch a porno of your parents?
Hoop: With.
Tink: Which is scarier, babies or old people?
Hoop: Old people. Hey, I just thought of the craziest thing I ever did!
Tink: OK.
Hoop: I put a tattoo on my arm while I was screwed up. (Which has now been removed)
Tink: That was pretty reckless. Why did you pick Marvin the Martian?
Hoop: Because I liked him.
Tink: How long did it take you to not like the tattoo?
Hoop: Two weeks.
Tink: Ouch. Next question. What's the coolest dream you've ever had?
Hoop: I was flying through space and I got lost and couldn't find Earth... Is my interview interesting?
Tink: I think so. But it's not long enough. If you found $100 tomorrow and couldn't spend it on bills, what would you buy?
Hoop: A steak dinner.
Tink: Mmmm. Steak. If you were a superhero, what would your power be?
Hoop: To stop time.
Tink: And what would you do if you could stop time?
Hoop: Rob a bank.
Tink: You would rob a bank?! *Stank eye*
Hoop: Probably not.
Tink: Probably?
Hoop: I don't know what I would do!
Tink: What would your name be?
Hoop: God.
Tink: Sorry, "God" is already taken.
Hoop: Whitie.
Tink: What if you get a tan?
Hoop: Pfft.
Tink: If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, what would you do?
Hoop: Rob a bank.
Tink: Shut up.
Hoop: I'm just kidding. Are you writing all this down? Don't write this down!
Tink: I have to. It's an interview.
Hoop: This isn't Sports Illustrated. Do I get to edit it at least?
Tink: No. It's an interview!
Hoop: You're going to make me look like a dumb ass. Stop it. Stop typing.
Tink: Nope. Still typing.
Hoop: Stop it!
Tink: I'm. Still. Typing.
Hoop: This interview is OVER.
Tink: Party pooper.

Tink's Top Five Hoop Conversations:
5. Brain Cancer
4. Closet Necrophiliac
3. Hammer Juggling
2. Butt Mints
1. Transplants

Off The Radar

I've got meetings all day and well into the evening. So I won't be checking everyone's blogs today. But tomorrow I'll be back for the "Hoopla!" The one year anniversary of Hoop discovering this blog. In honor of the occasion I'll be posting an official Hoop interview. For your part, think of the most reckless thing you've ever done, the worst joke you've ever heard, and/or your favorite Hoop conversation.

Oh! And this is strictly a BYOBAS (Bring your own booze and strippers sandwiches) ordeal. What, you think I'm made of money?

See you tomorrow!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: If I tell you something, will you promise to not let it keep you from eating something?
Hoop: Oh-kay.
Tink: When we were eating edamame tonight...
Hoop: Yeah.
Tink: ...I found a grub in one of the soy pods.
Hoop: A grub.
Tink: Yeah.
Hoop: Is that all?
Tink: Uh huh.
Hoop: *Sigh of relief* God, Babe. You really had me worried for a minute!
Tink: So that doesn't gross you out?
Hoop: No.
Tink: It's not going to keep you from eating it?
Hoop: Nope.
Tink: Really?!
Hoop: I'm surprised it didn't gross you out.
Tink: Now that you mention it...

Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?

Weekend Recap:
1. Don't worry, this post doesn't contain a single spoiler about the new Harry Potter book.
2. After work on Friday, I headed over to my parents' house to feed the horses and release the hounds. Hoop and I had been placed on "Zoo Watch" while my family took a vacation.
3. You don't know the true meaning of insanity until you've babysat 12 dogs. All of which continuously bark for no apparent reason. Maybe they hear fleas farting. Or ghosts. I don't know.
4. I'm actually hoarse from trying to yell over the sound.
5. Around 9:30 that night, Hoop and I headed to B&N for the release party of Harry Potter 7.
6. I faltered at the door when we arrived. The sea of people was overwhelming. I felt like I was trapped in a "Where's Waldo" book. Only it was more like a "Who's NOT Harry" one.
7. If Hoop hadn't acted quick, I might have stood there all night. He lead me to the table where they were handing out wristbands. "Number 233," the witch behind the counter mumbled.
8. "233?! As in, we're the 233rd customer?" Hoop stared at the woman incredulously. "That's correct." "We're never getting out of here." Poor Hoop. He's not even a Harry Potter fan.
9. While trying to decide what to do next, an old school friend came up to say hello. She was dressed like Hermione. I'd remembered seeing her at the last book release.
Tink: Cute outfit.
Hermione Look-Alike: I had it custom made.
Tink: I like your wand.
HLA: Thanks! It's authentic.
Tink: Oh yeah?
HLA: Made with a Phoenix feather and carved from a Holly-
Hoop: That's impossible.
HLA: ...
Hoop: ...
Tink: Oh-kay. Well it was nice to see you again!
10. Cutting through the crowd, we made our way to the coffee line. Then we followed it all around the store until we found its end. So we decided to take a drive to DD's instead.
11. After we got back, Hoop cleared a seat for us along the racks. We sat and drank for awhile, watching the freaks walk by.
Hoop: That guy looks just like Harry Potter!
Tink: What? He's not even in costume.
Hoop: I know. Crazy, huh?
12. At some point in the evening, a young girl and her friend came up to talk to two 40-something-year-old ladies sitting across from us.
13. I was unnerved by the fact that the friend was standing so near, with her crotch positioned directly to the left of my face. Had I turned, I might have hit it with my nose.
14. "Get this girl away from me!" I hissed at Hoop. The two girls left a few minutes later. The ladies stared after them with looks of confusion on their faces.
Tink: Did you know them?
Lady 1: No.
Tink: No?
Lady 2: She just walked up and started talking to us.
Tink: About what?
Lady 1: I have no idea!
Lady 2: She was telling us a story or something. I kind of blanked out for awhile.
Lady 1: Weirdo.
15. The clock finally struck midnight. Everyone cheered and anxiously waited for their number to be called. I stepped outside for some air.
16. Within minutes, the parking lot was dotted with people. Each had walked out the door and turned to the last chapter of the book.
17. "I'm going to read the last chapter!" One obnoxious woman screamed as she stepped outside. She flipped the book open and made as if to read aloud.
18. "Do it and I will hurt you," I calmly told her. She laughed nervously and closed the book, unsure if I was kidding or not.
19. Truthfully, I'm not sure either. ;)
20. An hour later Hoop and I sprinted for the car, book in hand. "My precious!" I crooned, rubbing my hand across the cover.
21. The rest of the weekend passed in a blur of animal feedings, video games, and book reading.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While at the gas station talking to this guy)
Attendant: Are you reading the new Harry Potter book?
Tink: Yeah! I'm about 1/2 way through it.
Attendant: Wasn't it crazy when-
Tink: -So how's your book coming along?
Attendant: Great! Thanks for remembering. I just wrote two new chapters last night.
Hoop: *Whispers* You should give him the link to Twisted Tink.
Tink: *Whispers* NO.
Hoop: Ok, well have a nice day!
Attendant: You too.
Hoop: You didn't want to give him the link?
Tink: No way.
Hoop: Afraid he might steal your work?
Tink: More like, afraid he might keep contacting me.
Hoop: Can you imagine what the story would be like if he stole the idea?
Tink: Oh Gawd. He'd spend two pages describing the trees.
Hoop: Then he'd add an elf, a troll, and a warrior.
Tink: I can't believe how much the story he's writing has been stolen from Tolkien.
Hoop: He should call it, "Master of The Loops."

Harry Potter A Go-Go

It's the topic on everyone's lips today... What will become of Harry Potter?

"The End."

Something all who have followed the story have been anticipating with excitement and dread. There is security around the boxes at the local bookstore. People run in to see if they can reserve a copy and leave dejected. "We've been sold out for weeks." The cashier says, as if she's said it a million times already today. There are teenagers walking the street with wands and brooms, striped socks and black framed glasses. Kids are put down for naps in expectation of a long night. We wait.

I never thought I'd get wrapped up in this. Sure, I love the books. But I never thought I'd be the kind to watch the clock, to plan my night around standing in line. There's a static charge in the air. I have to know. I have to know the end before someone tells me. That's what it boils down to. I could wait a week. I've just begun reading the 6th book again. I've had numerous discussions with coworkers and friends about what we think is going on. But after tonight, there will be no more guessing. Anyone could know.

Where will you be when the clock strikes midnight? The end is coming...

Will you be there?

Around The Water Cooler:
Coworker: Got any big plans this weekend?
Tink: Hoop and I are going to the B&N tonight for the Harry Potter book release.
Coworker: Are they doing something special?
Tink: They have face painting, costumes, contests, stuff like that. For the most part it's just a bunch of people milling around and waiting for the book to be released. Last time they had over 200 people there.
Coworker: 200 people?! Aren't you worried about riots and fights breaking out?
Tink: *Blink* At a HARRY POTTER assembly?
Coworker: You never know.
Tink: Us book nerds are usually a pretty peaceful lot.
Coworker: You can't tell me all those little kids waving around their pointy wands doesn't scare you. *Shudder*

July Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. shrinking brother Now that's a trick! Does it work on exes too?
2. dog tits Proof of what dogs do while we're away... They search on the Internet for porn.
3. ass like whoa
4. strong tink I've been eating Wheaties.
5. funny film man with leaky nipples

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Somebody's birthday is in less than a month.
Hoop: Whose?
Tink: Yours.
Hoop: I'm not having any more birthdays.
Tink: No?
Hoop: Nope. I'm giving you time to catch up.

Have a great weekend!

I Forgot To Screw It On

...and now my head is gone.

The volleyball I'm using in it's place has made a request that I not overtax it. It is, after all, just a volleyball. So I'm giving you a mission.

This is our house.


It needs paint.


Preferably a light base with dark trim, because that's what's going to be easiest. I need some suggestions on colors. Got any?

Help a volleyball out!

Weirdees

Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.

Women Seeking Men

HERE I AM WHERE ARE YOU? Widowed too young, white, 49, Leo is my sign, let's meet to wine and dine, just to talk would be fine. I smoke, letting you know- so you don't choke, plain simple folk, lots of fun, try me hon! A rhyming ad. How... cute. Maybe you and your date can hit up a Dr. Seuss convention.

SEEKING SUGAR DADDY. Slim, curvaceous, attractive professional single female wishes to enhance her lifestyle with personable professional having life's finest amenities. This classy beauty boasts 0 baggage, 0 tolerance for drama. Highly effective Kama Sutra adventuress. Qualified? You know business is slow when the prostitutes are advertising.

SIMILAR INTERESTS? Travel, Jesus, family, divorce, romance, passion, honesty, commitment, beach, canoeing, shopping, dining. Similar interests? Write, print, stamp, send. I should request an ad space next to hers...

"SIMILAR INTERESTS? Local, Satan, hermit, bachelor, torture, obsession, lies, kidnap, desert, hunting, robbing, cannibalism. Seeks opposite. I'll. Find. You."

Men Seeking Women

SEEKING SEXY SMOKER. Handsome, divorced, white, 5'10" 180, 57, well-educated, financially secure, affectionate, quality traits. Especially prefers a woman who smokes! Should be reasonably attractive, affectionate, monogamous and appreciate a man who will love you completely and your cigarette smoke too. Oh yeah. Because there's nothing sexier than dirty talk through a mechanical larynx.

FRESH OUT OF B.S.! I'm the big 5-0, 6', 205, gray-white hair, physically fit, non-smoker, non-drinker, restoring my aluminum castle. Enjoy being with open-minded, sensual women that know ideal men are indeed imperfect! "Restoring my aluminum castle." Is that a fancy way of saying "Getting my trailer out of hock"?

EXCELLENT DANCER. Mature, Bostonian, excellent dancer, sports car enthusiast seeks elegant ballroom dancing partner. Romantic co-pilot for mutually good times, experience preferred, willing to train right candidate. Life is a romantic banquet, let's not starve. Most people shoot low once they get to the point of needing an ad. Not this guy. He wants a ballroom dancer who knows how to co-pilot a plane. I hope you're rich, Buddy. Otherwise you'll be enjoying that banquet alone... With some Vaseline.

I Saw You

BE MY CHILLI PEPPER! You: pierced hot tamale who makes me wanna get spicy! I hope your nacho bell is grande. Me: Sista you can't resista', red beans and rice didn't miss her! Come dip your chip in my salsa anytime. Mmm. Taco Hell. I'll have a Chalupa without the side of stupidity please.

ASIAN ELVIS. You: more Elvis than Bruce Lee. Me: Short haired minor. Saw you first on the wrong side of the tracks in San Marco. Haven't stopped wanting you since. Could you bring my heart back across the Buckman? Elvis always did love minors.

RED BOWTIE AFFAIR. Saw you, Pee-Wee Herman look-alike, at UNF sporting Greek letter AT. Is that frat house as much fun as the playhouse? I hope so. Me: Cowboy Curtis. I think we were made for each other; let me lasso you down. I always thought those two had a thing for each other! Curtis was always telling Pee-Wee, "You know what they say! Big boots...big feet!" Uh huh. We're on to you Curtis.

Tally Me Banana

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

You must have thought I'd FORGOTTEN to post updates on the house. Rest assured, you haven't MISSED much.

Wood Door Frames In Master Bedroom (Before)


Wood Door Frames In Master Bedroom (After)

You have no idea how much of a pain this was to do.

Office (Before)


Office (In Progress)

It took Hoop a full day to measure, tape, and paint it. I think it's absolutely perfect. I could have never done such a flawless job. Not with my tilted-head syndrome anyway. Our next chore is to get the furniture in and hang Hoop's black and white drawings in the black line.

(Random Pictures)

Brotherly Love

Tech and Hoop. Also the first picture I've ever posted of Hoop with his visor off!

Unripe


Florida Showers


Pretty In Pink

...and just a little evil looking.



Banana "Fingers"

Hoop and I are psyched! We found these banana "fingers" hanging off one of the trees in our backyard. I was a little concerned at first on how we were going to get them down. Then my good friend Brodimus Prime suggested we hire a Tally Man. So I'm nominating him. See you in a few weeks, Brom!

Another Day In The Bloggerhood

Weekend Recap:
1. On Friday night I made an eighteen year old cry.
2. When I woke up Saturday morning, she'd left me an apology scribbled on a napkin.
3. It all started after work. If you remember, I'd been having a pretty shitty day.
4. I met up with Hoop and Nash at their Mom's house for dinner. Then I headed home. Hoop called an hour later to say that Nash, Bob, Bob's girlfriend, Bob's girlfriend's friend, and he were coming home.
5. I had just slipped into PJs and washed my face. You can guess how enthusiastic I was for company.
6. I knew when they arrived that I didn't care for Bob's girlfriend's friend. We'll call her Mandy. She was loud and immature from the start. Every other world out of her mouth was "fuck."
7. "So I fucking called that fucking bitch and I fucking told her fuck-ass that I wasn't fucking her fucking boyfriend."
8. When she wasn't putting sailors to shame, she was engaging us in deep conversations about politics.
9. "I used to LOVE Bush before this war 'thing'. Now I'm all like, he can fucking go away now."
10. I was doing fairly well at ignoring her. Then it started to get late. By 2:30 am I was tired and ready for everyone to go home.
11. Then I noticed the white living room carpet. There were PUDDLES of beer on it.
12. The puddles didn't bother me as much as the fact that someone had spilled their drink THREE times and didn't tell anyone.
13. I was sopping up the mess when Mandy decided to spill an entire bottle of beer on the brand new couch. The first words out of her mouth were, "I didn't do it!"
13. My host gloves came off.
14. Visions of the night flashed through my head as I stormed to the kitchen for some cleaner.
15. I replayed when Bob's girlfriend stepped on our couch with her shoes, Bob trying to egg our dog into biting him, the beer on the carpet and couch, the bugs flying around because of the door no one seemed able to close.
16. Hoop came in and I handed him a towel. "Fix this. I'm going to bed," I growled.
17. Our guests didn't leave until 5:00 am. I fumed in my bedroom as they laughed and yelled, apparently trying to sober up enough to leave. I felt like a prisoner in my own house. I snapped.
18. When I walked out of the room everyone got quiet. "Use this," I said to Hoop, handing him another cleaning product. "Give me some skin!" Nash shouted cheerfully, putting his hand out. "NO." I snipped, going back into the room.
19. That's when Mandy started crying.
20. It's the least she could do.
21. It wasn't until the next day that I found out she was eighteen. Which might explain the complete lack of respect. But it doesn't make it excusable. I've become one of those people who uses the term, "Stupid kids."
22. I'm going to start having to check IDs at my door.
23. Thursday night, Hoop and I saw "Harry Potter 5"
24. REVIEW: I'm a little jaded by the books. Because of this, no Harry Potter movie has ever stood up to my expectations. But as far as the HP movies go, it was good. The computer graphics weren't obvious, as they'd been in the first three. I thought the girl they chose for Luna Lovegood was PERFECT. The main flaw in the movie was the age of the characters compared to the age of the actors. Harry, Hermione, and Ron are supposed to be 15 in this film. In real life they're 18, 17, and 19. It shows. There was one part in particular where Professor Mcgonagle exclaims, "But he's just a boy!" about Harry. I couldn't help but think, "That's no BOY, lady." We give this film three out of five sporks.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(At a pearl shop)
Hoop: What is that?
Clerk: It's called a "Mabe Pearl." They inject an irritant into the oyster shell and it creates a pearl under the surface.
Hoop: Then they just cut it out of the shell?
Clerk: Exactly.
Hoop: So... It's an oyster cancer?
Clerk: Um. That's a rather unpleasant way of describing it!
Hoop: Gross! Who would want to wear a tumor around their neck?

Not Far From The Tree:
Nash: I finally finished "Resistance."
Hoop: Wow, and it only took you three days of continuous play.
Tink: Can we go down town now?
Nash: Aren't you guys impressed?!
Tink: Oh yeah... I think you should put it on your résumé.
Hoop: BURN!
Nash: Maybe I will.

I Have Issues

Surprisingly, I don't feel like discussing them here. The world is filled with far too many morose thoughts as it is. Who needs me spreading mine around like icing on the proverbial cake? What I CAN tell you is that this cake is made of shit. So forgive me for this lackluster post. I'll practice my A-game and post something better this weekend.

Until then...

Twisted (Tink) has been updated with a newly revised chapter. Click on over and check out, "All That Glitters."

Have a great weekend!
Do something crazy and name it after me, will ya?

"You like me, you really like me!"

Thank you Maggie for nominating me for this "Rockin' Girl Blogger" award. I'm not worthy! Although I can play a mean air ukulele.



I would like to thank all the little people: Dopey, Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Stupid, Sleazy, and Drunk. Without you and that creepy witch corrupting my childhood, I wouldn't be nearly as strange as I am today. I would also like to thank my fellow bloggers, Hoop, Mom, and this thankless job. It's because of you that this blog is even still around. And now to pass the torch. Would the following people please stand to receive their award:

Newt
Meno
Gray Mama
Mama T (Even if she mistakenly thinks she's going to beat me in a poking contest)

In Other News:

Hoop got into another car accident on the way home yesterday. He's fine. It wasn't his fault. He'd been sitting at a light when the young kid behind him decided to not stop and plowed him into the back end of a truck. The only thing damaged was the already ruined bumper. No one else's car was hurt. So Hoop struck up a cash deal with the culprit and went on his way. We think the car is cursed. Anyone want a cheap car with low mileage? It's only a little possessed.

Many thanks for all the advice and support I got on Tuesday's post about quitting smoking. My Mom has decided to get on Chantix first and be the guinea pig. Depending on her reaction to it, I may or may not be getting on it within the next two months. As before, you guys will be filled in on all the gritty details.

Hoop woke me up this morning at 4am, coughing and hacking. After several minutes of walking around and flipping on lights, he crawled back into bed, only to resume coughing and hacking again. After three nights of disturbed sleep due to the overcrowding of dogs and Hoop's tossing and turning, I'd had enough. With a quiet curse I leapt from the bed and made my way to the guest room. I slept there until my alarm went off at six. It was pure bliss! I had plenty of room. It wasn't too hot or crowded. Should I feel guilty for having enjoyed it so much?

Heat Wave

It's so hot I think my brain cells are fusing together.

The air conditioner in my car died two weeks ago. I looked at the temperature gage on the way home yesterday and it said it was 100 degrees IN the car! It was four degrees cooler outside of it. I spent the majority of this morning fantasizing about ways I could drive the car without actually having to be in it. My best idea so far involves the use of a giant peg leg. Hoop wants to get rid of it. The damn thing is horrible on mileage, eats all its oil before I can change it, and now feels more like a mobile sauna than a SUV. But it's paid for. When you're broke, free sounds so much better than "sign over your soul on the dotted line." Which is what I'd have to do to get another vehicle.

But I'm not bitching. Really. Each time I sit down in that vinyl-seated hotbox I think of all the money I'm saving by toughing it out. Not to mention the calories I'm burning from sweating so much. It also helps if I pretend I'm in an endurance challenge or that the fate of the world relies on my ability to sit in my own sweat for an hour without fainting. I'm doing this for you! Now make me a damn cape. By the time I get home, my mind has tricked me into thinking the house is a mirage I will never reach. I have to stop myself from flinging my body through the door and onto the cold tile. I've actually started resenting people with AC. Hoop calls, chipper that he's out of work, and I want to repeatedly ask him how cold his car is.

"What temperature do you think it is in YOUR car? Is there dew forming on your windows? Are you sweating anywhere? Put the phone up to the vent. Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Man, that sounds so GOOD!"

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: Bayyyyybe.
Tink: Not now, Hoop. I'm busy.
Hoop: Do I stink?
Tink: What? No.
Hoop: Oh.
Tink: Why do you ask?
Hoop: I thought I accidentally put on Tink repellent today.

P.S. The fabulous and creative Maggie nominated me for an award! Acceptance speech tomorrow. Bring tissues.

Eternal Twilight of a Spotty Mind

I feel like rambling today... and toast. Toast would be nice.

For those who don't know, I smoke. I tried to quit over a year ago. The experiment was a huge disaster. The drug I was on, Welbutrin, did nothing after the first week to cure my cravings. It DID, on the other hand, increase my libido to that of a fourteen year old boy's. My highs were higher, my lows were lower. In between the mood swings and insatiable desires, I felt void of feelings and thoughts. I cried for days that I would never live normally, immobilized by the fear that I would do something that might trigger a nicotine attack.

So I fell off the wagon. Or maybe I just slipped off in the middle of the night. Regardless, I started smoking again. Spare me the sermons, please. There isn't anything you can say that I haven't already heard. The reason I'm mentioning this now is because they've developed a new drug. This one is supposed to repress the addictive portion of your brain. It actually makes smoking (and in some cases, drinking) un-enjoyable. Sounds perfect, right? Here's my quandary. What if it represses other addictions too?

What if I wake up after taking it and no longer like making lists, or sex, or the taste of coffee? Would I still be me? I read the news each morning and am amazed by all the advancements in technology. I want to believe that we're moving toward the common good of man, making things easier and more efficient. Did you know that Microsoft is making a tabletop computer? You can use all ten fingers at one time. It can read your credit card information just by setting the card on its surface. No more wait time for paying at a bars or restaurants!

Then I read articles like this. They're developing ways to erase people's memories... ON PURPOSE. Their justification is that they'd use it on trauma victims. But all I can think of is that Michel Gondry movie where a man and woman decide to have their memories of each other erased after a bad breakup. The implications are frightening. One fight could mean the end of your existence to someone. Not to mention if the techs fuck it up and erase more then they're supposed to. "Hi! My name is... My name is..." Shouldn't they be working on a cure for Alzheimer's instead?

It's because of these scary developments that I'm hesitant to buy into any miracle cures. Every day they post new warnings about the products we use on a daily basis. Coffee is good for you. Coffee is bad. Coffee in moderation can be healthy. It prevents Parkinson's disease. No wait, it causes strokes. What the hell?! I feel like a lab rat who they keep shocking just for the fun of it. So, I'm undecided on whether or not to take the new pill. I'd like to stop smoking. I'd like to live longer and be healthier. But at what cost?

July Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. How to paint tiny specks of paint on the wall You could always do what I did and sneeze on the brush. Of course, that wasn't intentional.
2. Splenda causes eye twitch I'd rather be skinny and twitchy.
3. Redneck Moms Come on down! You can get them by the truck-full here.
4. mitsubishi black smoke clean up Because Mitsubishi smoke is so much different than any other?
5. solid gold dildo Sounds great in theory. But you'd have to share it with a dozen people just to afford it.

Brain Kegels

Weekend Recap:
1. What to say to the woman you love:
Hoop: I think you're going to be a good-looking older woman someday.
2. What not to say:
Hoop: I don't think you'll ever be as skinny as your Mom though.
3. Men are so stupid.
4. Friday night, Hoop and I took his brother (Tech) out for some drinks on the town.
5. The evening started off late, due to a miscommunication about where we were supposed to meet.
6. Tech's eight year old daughter, Mal, had met us at the door of Hoop's Mom's house. "What are you doing here? Dad said he was meeting you down town."
7. So we walked and we searched. Then we stopped for a drink. Then we walked and searched some more.
8. Finally, Hoop got wise and called the house. Apparently, Tech had been chilling over there the entire time.
9. So Hoop and I discussed how we were going to get back at Mal while waiting for Tech to show.
10. Fortunately for her, we couldn't agree on a swirly or a noogie-wedgie combo.
11. I'm kidding. I wouldn't harm an eight year old!
12. But hypothetically, which do you think would be worse?
13. Friday morning, because I took the day off, I went to my parents' house to celebrate Lil Bit's birthday.
14. Yes, I know I'm doing this all out of order. Think of it as kegels for your brain.
15. Mom and I took Lil Bit, Big Bit, and two of their friends to see "Transformers."
16. REVIEW: The computer animation alone makes this movie worth seeing. The actors/acting was good. The plot wasn't too cheesy. The producers took a theme that used to be for kids and Pop Culture rejects like me and brought it forward to the 21st century. The only negative I found was that the filming style got a little jerky during battle scenes. At one point my Mom and I had to look away because we couldn't follow what was going on without straining our eyeballs. I gave it two thumbs up. I hope they do a sequel.
17. Sunday afternoon, Hoop and Papa Bear went to see "Transformers." They were the only two in the family that hadn't seen it yet. So it made sense that they would go to see it together.
18. That didn't stop us from heckling them though.
19. As Papa Bear was leaving the house Lil Bit called out, "Have fun on your date!"
20. When Hoop got home:
Tink: Did you two... sit together?
Hoop: No. We sat at opposite ends of the theater.
Tink: Really?
Hoop: No.
Tink: Was there a seat between you?
Hoop: *Glare*
Tink: I'm just asking!
21. Eh, it's good for them.
22. Last night Hoop and I watched, "The Illusionist."
23. REVIEW: Even though the movie was predictable, we enjoyed watching it unfold. The imagery was beautiful in it's simplicity, with effects that weren't too complicated or overdone. Even though it was released as a competing film for "The Prestige," it was a completely different kind of film altogether. Less dark and more hopeful. I adored the actress who played young Sophie and have always been a fan of Edward Norton. Hoop and I give this movie one to one and a half thumbs up.
24. Hm. Maybe I should start using stars instead.

Hoop Quote of The Day:
"Is that paint, or were you screwing elephants while I was away?"

How was your weekend?

Now Beefier

Contrary to popular belief, I have not been carted off to the nut house... Yet.

But thanks for the concern!

I've been busy. Between work, remodeling the blog, adding chapters to TT, fixing up the house, Hoop, my family, his family, Little Bit's birthday, and my little project below, I can't seem to get a good grasp on time before it slips right past me. I promise, regular posting will resume on Monday. Until then:

Golden Spork Awards Revisited:

It only took me seven months to get these graphics out. But they're finally here! For those of you who won an award in the Golden Spork ceremony back in December, you can pick up your official awards here. For those who didn't receive one, the next ceremony is being held in December of this year.



The code can be copied and pasted from below. I have set it up so that anyone clicking on the graphic will get transferred to the official Golden Spork Award page. Feel free to adjust the height and width as necessary. For Blogger members, the easiest way to do this is to paste the graphic into a post. Then, adjust using the arrows on the sides. Once the image is the size you want, copy and paste it into your template. If you have questions, comment.

Red Background
<a href="http://pickledbeef.blogspot.com/2006/12/golden-spork-awards.html"><img style="WIDTH: 130px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 249px" height="306" alt="" src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1376/752066305_9e4c88f161_o.jpg" border="0" /></a>

Hope your weekend is going well!

EDIT: I've fixed the graphic problem (hopefully). I'll add the other version when I get home.

Tunnels

It's 10 o'clock, Tuesday night. Hoop is asleep on the couch. The neighborhood kids are outside lighting fireworks, pretending they're cowboys in a shoot out. The rain has finally stopped. The dew on the lawn shines like a million tiny eyes. They watch me, waiting for my feet to stir, to crush them into the ground. I pivot slowly. There's a toad two feet away. I ball my fist, comparing the size. He stalks after a worm that has been loosened from its home. Nip. Nip. He flings him into the air, swallowing him whole. No more.

I creep back in. Toe, heel, toe. Hoop stirs, a shallow smile flickering across his face before he slides back into sleep. The house is quiet. Too quiet. I fold my legs into my lap. I unfold them and then tuck them in. I untuck them and then stretch them out. I selfishly trace a finger across Hoop's foot, willing him to wake. My mind runs in and out of tunnels, unearthing things like long lost tombs. My best friend in high school made mixed CDs. I listened to them in endless cycles. But it wasn't until today that I heard them. Truly heard them.

They spoke of love, a love that wasn't. "If I push you, you might break, loving me for friendship's sake." He spoke so little. When he left, silence was my only reminder. The tunnel turns and there I am, slipping through my open window. I trace the road away from lights, to a tree next to a dock. In the moonlight we bury a stone, smokey and pale beneath the dirt. It looks like an egg. I daydream about what it might hatch, drawing doodles across my homework of leafy birds with gigantic beaks.

The tunnel drops and cools, sinking below the wealth of hidden jewels. I'm brought back to the last supper of my Father, a Godless meal. We yelled while it crackled in the pan. When we were through, my Father tossed it into a bowl. An uneaten feast. No matter how much I wanted it, I couldn't stomach a single bite. My mind wouldn't stop whispering, "It's poisoned." Suddenly, it's too dark. The tunnel is too deep. I surface, seeking the light. Hoop's snores, soft and raspy, signal me home. I curl into his warmth, a bed of flesh, and wonder why I ever left.

P.S. Twisted (Tink) has been updated with two newly revised chapters, "The Name Game" and "A Hairy Tale." Fly on over for more of my twisted tale. As always, comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Joi gin, June!

June Hit Statistics:
1. The primary day for hits was Friday.
2. The most popular hour being 4pm.
3. The top referrers were Lefty and Mamalujo.
4. The most used search term was, "fraudulent hermaphrodite."
5. My favorite search term was, "female pudding wrestler." As long as it's chocolate.
6. The highest hit post (200) was on June 14th, the day I hit 365 (+2) posts.

30 Quirks for 30 Days:
1. The other day my Mom called to say, "Your brothers and I would like to unbury the crystal beneath Fate."
2. Which probably sounds like a bunch of gibberish to you.
3. Ten years ago, a girlfriend and I buried a large Quartz Crystal at the base of a tree. It was "our" tree, the one we met at each morning and snuck out to each night.
4. We had named her "Fate." She was the last on a lot, saved from the saws. Unlike the grove around her, which had been covered in KKK symbols and then chopped down so as not to cause offense.
5. Three years after we buried the crystal, our friendship dissolved. We agreed to leave the crystal behind. I think we both wanted to believe that it would protect the tree in our absence.
6. Or maybe it was so that some part of us would still remain, a trace of all that was.
7. I think about it sometimes. I wonder how my friend is and if the tree is still there. I wonder if she ever went back and got the crystal...
8. I guess there's only one way to find out.
9. When I was four, the fire sprinkler system at my KinderCare malfunctioned and flooded the school.
10. I remember being scared and wondering why it was raining in the building.
11. But most of all, I remember hiding in a fireplace.
12. I'm pretty sure there wasn't a fireplace in my classroom.
13. Maybe I had been eating glue that day.
14. I taught my dog how to snort like a pig.
15. I figure if she looks and acts like one she might as well SOUND like one too.
16. Not only am I a compulsive hand washer...
17. ...but I'm a compulsive hand sniffer too.
18. Which kind of goes hand in hand if you think about it.
19. I don't have penis envy. But I AM fascinated by balls.
20. One night I asked Hoop all kinds of questions about them until he started blushing. Which is as rare a sight as Nicole Richie eating.
21. In my opinion, balls prove that God (should you believe in one) is a woman.
22. Because if God were a man, those things would be covered in steel.
23. Hoop says I'm secretly obsessed with sex. I like dirty humor. My favorite songs have to do with the horizontal tango. I look up from whatever I'm doing whenever there's a scantily clad person on the tube.
24. To which I responded, "And this BOTHERS you?!"
25. Apparently I have a lot in common with other people's boyfriends. One of my leading search terms for the month was, "my boyfriend's nipples taste like onions."
26. So between that and the "obsession with sex," I'm pretty sure I was a dude in a previous life.
27. Maybe I was Elvis! I can wiggle my hips AND I like blue suede.
28. Although in all likelihood, I'm probably a reincarnation of Billy Fury. He died the day before I was born.
29. Wow, I bet he was disappointed.
30. If you want to know who you might be a reincarnation of, you can check the famous death listings here.
31. Why do these lists always get weird the further I get down them?

Second Annual Blog Header Show Down:
And the winner is...

A Few Good Sporks

Thanks to everyone who voted. I'll have the new layout done soon.

For those Americans who don't have to work tomorrow *Grumble*... Happy 4th of July!

Happy New Half Of The Year!

Today at noon, the year officially rolled over into its second half. I can only hope this half will be better than the first. To commemorate the occasion, I have scheduled some special events for the month.

July 25th: The anniversary of the day Hoop discovered my blog. As celebration, I will be holding a Hoopla. A day for sharing bawdy stories, jokes, and recapping the best of the Daily Hoop Conversations.
July 27th: The Second Annual PB Contest. Instructions and prizes to follow.
July 30th: Arabella Day, a blogger holiday dedicated to celebrating the bloggers who matter the most to you. It was so much fun last year, I decided to do it again.

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday evening, Hoop and I went to see "1408." Added together, 1408 equals unlucky 13. But that's about as scary as the movie got.
2. REVIEW: The plot was based around an evil hotel room which was being investigated by a writer who specialized in paranormal activity. Because the movie was rated PG-13, Hoop and I didn't expect much. For that reason alone we weren't too disappointed. If you're looking for a Gorror film, this isn't for you. Albeit spooky, the movie lacks any true elements of terror. There are no key monsters or bad guys. In fact, the room seems unable to cause any real harm to its victims. Hoop and I give this one two thumbs down. We think it was probably better off as a novel.
3. As we were leaving the theater, Hoop and I noticed a young girl and guy tinkering with the car next to ours.
4. "Yup. It's leaking gas." The guy said as the girl pulled the car out of the parking space. I looked down and realized that "leaking" was a vast understatement. The ground was puddled with fuel.
5. "I'll call you if it blows up." The girl said, leaning out the window to steal a kiss. Liquid poured from her engine like a gut wound.
Tink: You can't drive it like that!
Guy: She has to.
Tink: That's not safe! You should just park it and call a tow truck.
Girl: *Shrugs and pulls away*
Guy: Crazy thing is, she just got it fixed today.
Hoop: Doesn't she have someone she can call?
Guy: Yeah, me.
Tink: But-
Guy: -Don't worry. She has a full tank.
6. Hoop and I stood around for a few minutes after the guy left.
Tink: Are people really that stupid?!
Hoop: Yes.
...
Hoop: What do you think would happen if I lit that gasoline trail on fire?
7. Saturday night, Hoop and I decided to walk a few blocks to the nearest bar. Our route led us through a small block of low income houses. Half way down, we noticed a couple of people fighting in a driveway.
8. One person was in an SUV, preparing to back up. The other person was standing in front of it, pounding on the hood and yelling "You can't leave!" Hoop and I slowed our pace to allow time for the fight to break up.
9. Just as the SUV was pulling away, the man in the driveway turned in our direction. At the same time, fireworks went off from somewhere behind us. The man wavered on his feet for a minute, unsure of what was going on. Then he bolted for the door.
10. Hoop and I turned to watch the colors explode across the sky. It was then that another man walked out from the house to inspect the scene. "Man!" He yelled back through the door. "It was just fireworks!"
11. The other guy, the man who had ran, had thought we were SHOOTING at him!
12. I laughed so hard I had to clutch my sides to keep the ache from doubling me over.
13. Sunday afternoon, Hoop and I went to see "Live Free or Die Hard."
14. REVIEW: If you've seen the other three "Die Hard" movies then you know what to expect. There aren't any surprises there. As with the original, the action scenes are masterfully orchestrated and the movie moves quick. No long, drawn out plots. I was hesitant about seeing this movie at first. My knee jerk reaction was, "Isn't Bruce Willis too old for this?" But he pulls it off without conveying the feeling that he's TRYING to act like a young hotshot. Hoop and I give this movie two thumbs up. It's a good action flick for the whole family to enjoy.

Sudden Death Match:

This poll begins at 3pm (Eastern time) today and ends at 3pm tomorrow.

Please, only vote once.

Bigger pictures of the contestants can be found here.

For updates on the poll, go here.

Let the death match begin!

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Tomorrow: "Good-bye June" post.
Wednesday: A new chapter of Twisted (Tink).

ULTIMATE BLOGROLL

A Slice Of Life

And The Pursuit Of Happiness

Apathy Lounge

Aunt Jackie

Back In The Day

Bring Me Up

Brown Eyed Girl

Captain Corky

Celtic Knot

Confessions Of A Monkey

Crusty Beef

Cynical_Bastard

Debbie Does Life

Deep In The Forrest

Fiwanese

Flutter

For The Love Of Pete

From The Planet Of Janet

Furious Blog

Glass Half Full Gal

Glimpses Through The Blog

Halfasstic

Happily Ever Now

Kcinnova's World

Kill The Goat

Knight Rambling

Lazy Gardener

Mama Tulip

Man Overboard

Meno's Blog

Mind Moss

Moo's Moo

Mumblings

My Last Good Nerve

Newt's Muse

No More Casual Nonchalance

Not More Empty Fortune Cookies

Not Just Nouns And Verbs

Old Dog New Trick

One Daisy

Perpetual Exhaustion

Planet Alien

Planet Of Janet

Potter's Blog

Random Synaptic Misfire

Rude Cactus

Sibu Pegasus Power

Smiling Through It All

Stumbling Over Chaos

Texaconsin Diva

The End Of The World

The Great Elsewhere

The Smitten Image

The View From My Garden

This Is How We Roll

The Death Of Retail Price

The Invisible Woman

The Story Of Me

Thought Concoction

TNC Photo Journal

Trattoria Breve

Why?

Woman In The Window

Pimp My Awards

Eh. We can't ALL be humble...