Lily's Birth Story

It was the only sunny day in a week of rainy ones.  May 17.  Lily's birthday and the only day I would know her on this earth.  May 17.  The day I allowed my body to let her go.  In the earliest hours of the morning, I assured her my heart never would.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Around midnight, between the days of the sixteenth and seventeenth, I had been reading in my book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart," stories of other mothers losing their babies.  With wet eyes, I set the book down and told my Lily I was ready for her to come; I was ready to let her go.

Contractions started around 2 o'clock a.m., gentle and mild, a simile of my little girl.  Already gone, but still working with me.  The day continued without much fanfare.  No birthday cake.  No excited anticipation of the new life that was about to enter the world.  Just anxious waiting of what the night would bring.  All the while gentle.  All the while mild.  My Lily.

When our midwife came, I had been actively working for 30 minutes and I was already losing too much.  The blood would come, but Lily would not.  How did I think I could let her go?

Two hours passed and there was only red.  I laid down and couldn't get back up.  To endure this pain would only bring more.  She would not come.  I would not let her come.  How could I?  If she came, it would only be to go.

"What do you need?" Our midwife asked.  God, I thought.  But my faith in Him is shaken.

"What do you need?" Seth asked.  A blessing, I thought.  But I have distanced myself so far.

And so I weakened while Seth worried and our midwife wondered.  Weakened.  Worried.  Wondered.  Repeat.

"I need a blessing," I said.

It was given, and with it, Lily.

And then I wept.  My only wound, an empty womb.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lily was born around 9:45 p.m. on Sunday, May 17.  She was 4.5 inches long and perfectly formed, her toes like little poppy seeds.  If only she had more time to grow.

I was in active labor for about 2.5 hours.  Lily was delivered in her amniotic sac.  Seth removed her and cut her umbilical cord.  She fit perfectly in the palms of our hands.

The hemorrhage was caused because my cervix closed while the amniotic sac was halfway out, preventing my uterus to expel it completely.  I had been given several doses of medication to help the uterus contract, as well as an IV to keep me from passing out, but nothing was working because the cervix isn't controlled medically.

The cervix is controlled psychologically, and because I was afraid to let her go, I couldn't.  It wasn't until I turned back to our Heavenly Father that I was able to deliver Lily.  I had to trust Him again, submit to His will, and humble myself enough to ask for His help.  About 20 seconds after Seth gave me a priesthood blessing, Lily was born and we were able to get the bleeding under control.

For the three weeks leading up to Lily's birth, I was angry with and distrustful of God.  Since her birth, I have been extremely grateful for every moment He let me have with her.  I felt her move before she died.  I know she was alive.  As I received my blessing, I felt as though I was commending Lily's spirit back into God's hands.  I know she will be waiting for me.

Until then, I love you so, Lily dear.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little beautiful (but slightly graphic) post script.

Penny so was incredibly sweet with Lily.  She desperately wanted to see her after the birth, but I had been warning Penny that she might look creepy.

And while Lily was perfectly formed, she had started to decompose a bit.  Because her skull hadn't fused together, her head was flattening and her whole body was the color of chocolate milk.  Her facial features weren't quite as distinct as they would have been 3 weeks ago when she died, and she kind of looked like an alien skeleton.

But Penny was insistent.  She was more excited about this new baby than anyone else.  Seth brought Lily out to Penny.

Her eyes brightened and she exclaimed, "That's my sister! She isn't creepy at all!"

And then Penny spent the rest of the night cooing over her little knees, and nose, and ribs, and fingers; holding, feeling, and loving her baby sister.