Lily's Birth Story

It was the only sunny day in a week of rainy ones.  May 17.  Lily's birthday and the only day I would know her on this earth.  May 17.  The day I allowed my body to let her go.  In the earliest hours of the morning, I assured her my heart never would.

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Around midnight, between the days of the sixteenth and seventeenth, I had been reading in my book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart," stories of other mothers losing their babies.  With wet eyes, I set the book down and told my Lily I was ready for her to come; I was ready to let her go.

Contractions started around 2 o'clock a.m., gentle and mild, a simile of my little girl.  Already gone, but still working with me.  The day continued without much fanfare.  No birthday cake.  No excited anticipation of the new life that was about to enter the world.  Just anxious waiting of what the night would bring.  All the while gentle.  All the while mild.  My Lily.

When our midwife came, I had been actively working for 30 minutes and I was already losing too much.  The blood would come, but Lily would not.  How did I think I could let her go?

Two hours passed and there was only red.  I laid down and couldn't get back up.  To endure this pain would only bring more.  She would not come.  I would not let her come.  How could I?  If she came, it would only be to go.

"What do you need?" Our midwife asked.  God, I thought.  But my faith in Him is shaken.

"What do you need?" Seth asked.  A blessing, I thought.  But I have distanced myself so far.

And so I weakened while Seth worried and our midwife wondered.  Weakened.  Worried.  Wondered.  Repeat.

"I need a blessing," I said.

It was given, and with it, Lily.

And then I wept.  My only wound, an empty womb.

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Lily was born around 9:45 p.m. on Sunday, May 17.  She was 4.5 inches long and perfectly formed, her toes like little poppy seeds.  If only she had more time to grow.

I was in active labor for about 2.5 hours.  Lily was delivered in her amniotic sac.  Seth removed her and cut her umbilical cord.  She fit perfectly in the palms of our hands.

The hemorrhage was caused because my cervix closed while the amniotic sac was halfway out, preventing my uterus to expel it completely.  I had been given several doses of medication to help the uterus contract, as well as an IV to keep me from passing out, but nothing was working because the cervix isn't controlled medically.

The cervix is controlled psychologically, and because I was afraid to let her go, I couldn't.  It wasn't until I turned back to our Heavenly Father that I was able to deliver Lily.  I had to trust Him again, submit to His will, and humble myself enough to ask for His help.  About 20 seconds after Seth gave me a priesthood blessing, Lily was born and we were able to get the bleeding under control.

For the three weeks leading up to Lily's birth, I was angry with and distrustful of God.  Since her birth, I have been extremely grateful for every moment He let me have with her.  I felt her move before she died.  I know she was alive.  As I received my blessing, I felt as though I was commending Lily's spirit back into God's hands.  I know she will be waiting for me.

Until then, I love you so, Lily dear.

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A little beautiful (but slightly graphic) post script.

Penny so was incredibly sweet with Lily.  She desperately wanted to see her after the birth, but I had been warning Penny that she might look creepy.

And while Lily was perfectly formed, she had started to decompose a bit.  Because her skull hadn't fused together, her head was flattening and her whole body was the color of chocolate milk.  Her facial features weren't quite as distinct as they would have been 3 weeks ago when she died, and she kind of looked like an alien skeleton.

But Penny was insistent.  She was more excited about this new baby than anyone else.  Seth brought Lily out to Penny.

Her eyes brightened and she exclaimed, "That's my sister! She isn't creepy at all!"

And then Penny spent the rest of the night cooing over her little knees, and nose, and ribs, and fingers; holding, feeling, and loving her baby sister.

Penny Rocks Out States

A Birthday 10 Days Late

As usual around these parts, my blogging frequency has been sub par.  But my boy had a birthday, and those are things I like to celebrate.  Every time a birthday rolls around, I'm overcome with how much I love these little babies of mine and how grateful I am to be their mama.  And so we celebrate.  But lightly.

Birthday breakfast sucker.

Teddy was born on a beautiful February day, and this birthday was even better.  It was warm and sunny, and because the boy likes being outside so much, we grabbed some lunch from a restaurant and headed to the park.

(Penny hiding in the tunnel.  She has a new hatred of being photographed.)

And because he likes vacuums so much, he got a vacuum cake.  But he couldn't tell what it was and now I think my cake-making days are over.  I can't handle the rejection.

The day before Teddy's birthday we went swimming at the new Provo Rec Center.  They have a wonderful indoor pool with kiddy slides and a lazy river.  It was freezing (even nice February days are too cold to swim), but Seth and I have decided to forgo giving our kids gifts and instead have experiences with them.  The babies loved the pool, Seth and I loved spending time with them, and I loved not adding anymore crap to our already overflowing toy box.

Happy birthday, Teddy.  Two looks good on you.

A Look Back at 2013

January
 Teddy boy is a baby.

February
Penny's big blue eyes still shining bright.

March
Packing herself for our move to Elk Ridge.

April
Learning they have a built-in best friend.

May
A fingernail painting party with aunties.

June
Turning three and a selfie.

July
Princess dress-up.

August
Best birthday present ever.

September
Growing more and more handsome (and helpful).

October
And even more handsome.

November
Mama's main girl.

December
Snow day.

We've had a blessed and happy year.  And we've learned that Seth hates to be in pictures.  Here's to a blessed and happy 2014.

Family Pics '13

All photos taken by Alisia Packard Sansom (duh).

So as not to be redundant, no family-family photos were posted.  You'll just have to wait 'til Christmas. 

New Camera....

...which means I can't find any of the Halloween pictures we took, but about some high quality photos of Ted?  Okay, here ya go.

A Handful of Pictures

Here's what happening lately.....

Defying time-out.

Painting a bench. THAT I MADE!!!! (More to come on that!)

Dancer of the Day!

DIY plastic bag kite.  And no, it's not cold enough for (Teddy's) snow clothes yet.  She just really loves dressing up.

Afternoon snack.

Tea party with friends.  I love this neighborhood.

Being left out from the tea party with friends.

His new love--a $2.00 vacuum toy I found at D.I.

See.  She really loves dressing up.  And dressing other people up, too.

Awesome horse ride after a dentist appointment.  Let me know if you need a good pediatric dentist in Spanish Fork.  I got one for you.

Not being left out from awesome horse ride.

We (kind of) Planted Flowers

New home developments suck in the nature department.  We hunted for Easter eggs in a dead field, all the trees are shorter than Seth, and the only flowers we've enjoyed are the volunteer sunflowers (aka-weeds) that have filled up our yet-to-be-landscaped flower beds.  I actually love the sunflowers, but for the sake of this post, let's pretend I don't.

We needed some BLOOMS in our house.  So we made some.

All good flower beds need worms.

Sampling the "dirt."

No sampling necessary.

Forget the flower, we just want the mud.

Next year, a real garden.  The end.

My Pretty Penny

Tedward

Teddy has been largely overlooked on this little blog of ours, so why don't I catch you up and tell you a bit about my little man.

1. His nickname is Tedward. My dad called him that once when he was about 2 weeks old and it STUCK. I love people's reactions when they ask his name and I respond with Tedward.

2. He's big and sweet and naughty. He wears the same size clothes as his 3 year-old sister. He blows everyone kisses, and makes the hardened construction workers around our house break into huge grins when he waves emphatically at them. He runs away from me when I tell him to come to me.  Every.  Single.  Time.

3. He's enthralled with shoes. Everyone's shoes--Mama's, Dada's, Penny's, stranger's at the pool. Not a day goes by when he isn't trying on a several pairs.

4. He loves his "loveys" as much as Penny loves hers. He knows which ones belong to him, and which ones are Penny's. He won't nap without them, and he almost always has one shoved in his mouth. So, neither of my kids had pacifiers, but both will end up with braces.

5. Penny is his favorite friend, and she's starting to warm up to him, too. Just yesterday she insisted that she and Teddy would be married one day.

We love our Teddy-boy. He is the perfect ending to this little family of ours.