BP Oil Humor Overnight

Remembering Justice Stevens

Ian Frazier, somehow, remembers being busy as a bee during his salad-and-barbecue days as a copy-cat law clerk for Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens.

Monday BP Oil Gusher Update: No Go Fish

1. No Go-Fish.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) late yesterday banned commercial and recreational fishing "for a minimum of ten days in federal waters most affected by the BP oil spill, largely between Louisiana state waters at the mouth of the Mississippi River to waters off Florida’s Pensacola Bay." Locally, that grounds fishing boats that put out to sea for fish warehouses and commercial sellers as well as charter fishing boats. According to NOAA:

[T]here are 3.2 million recreational fishermen in the Gulf of Mexico region who took 24 million fishing trips in 2008. Commercial fishermen in the Gulf harvested more than 1 billion pounds of finfish and shellfish in 2008.

All "finfish, crabs, oysters and shrimp" are included in the ban. NOAA scientists will continue evaluating the "evolving nature" of the spreading river of oil and will "re-evaluate closure areas" as "appropriate."

2. All of Florida May Be Affected.

Concerns are growing, as we mentioned yesterday, that the oil spill could spread from the Northwest corner of Florida all the way south to the Keys. Now, Duke University coastal biology expert Larry Crowder has weighed in:

"There's a real potential there, a big problem," he told Sarah Larimer of Associated Press. "The biggest concern I would say from a Florida perspective is that once the oil gets entrained on the Loop Current it will be on the East Coast of Florida in almost no time," Graber said. "I don't think we can prevent that. It's more of a question of when rather than if."

As Larimer explains:

The Gulf's waters come through the Yucatan Strait between Mexico and Cuba, then circulate in what's called the Loop Current, before sweeping south along Florida's west coast. There they head into the Florida Straits and pass along the string of islands that make up the Florida Keys eventually to form the Gulf Stream, the world's most powerful sustained ocean current. The force sweeps up the East Coast of the United States before ending in the North Atlantic.

3. Obama in Louisiana.

Sunday, President Obama flew to the Gulf Coast to state the obvious:

"The oil that is still leaking from the well could seriously damage the economy and the environment of our gulf states and it could extend for a long time,” Mr. Obama said. "It could jeopardize the livelihoods of thousands of Americans who call this place home."

One can't help wondering why he didn't foresee that obvious risk on April 1, when he shocked environmentalists and much of his political base by promising to open the Gulf to more drilling in future years.

To be sure, Obama was (sigh, once again) trying to triangulate a political compromise with Republican right-wing senators, including Lindsay Graham of South Carolina. But how much longer can he get away with treating Republican recusants more kindly than the Democratic faithful like Senator Bill Nelson (D-FL)?

4. How Deep Is the Ocean?

That's the title of an old torch song by Irving Berling. It's also the lyric to new questions being raised right here in Pensacola.

Yesterday, Rick Outzen of Pensacola's Independent News reported that prominent Pensacola torts attorney Mike Papantonio claims BP's Deepwater Horizon well is deeper than the MMS permit allows:

Papantonio also said that the Deep Horizon well was only permitted to be 18,000-ft. deep, but BP was drilling the well to 25,000-ft. "This screwed up all the permutations on how to deal with this problem," says Papantonio. "The engineers were thinking the well was only at 18,000 ft."

It's not clear from Rick's report where Papantonio gets this information. The BP drilling application which we referenced Saturday explicitly mentions a "depth limit" for the exploratory well of "5,328 feet bml," or below the mud line. Perhaps the actual permit was more restrictive. Or, perhaps, something was lost in translation.

In any event, public scrutiny of every promise BP Corp. made to, and permission it received, from the governing Mineral Management Services agency is warranted. This is the same agency, after all, which during the Bush Administration years was having sex and drug parties with employees of the very energy companies they are supposed to regulate. When it comes to MMS, everything it has done bears thorough investigation.

5. Sans Safety Valve.

In the same interview, Outzen reports Papantonio and Bobby Kennedy, Jr. also complained that:

[T]he BP well not only didn’t have the acoustical, emergency valve that could have shut it off, but was also lacking a deep-hole valve that would have also been able to stop the leaking of 5,000 barrels a day into the Gulf of Mexico.

“The acoustical valve is a device required all over the world,” says Papantonio. “In Norway, you can’t drill in the ocean without one.”

This has been more widely reported in the national press as, for example, last week by the Wall Street Journal ["Leaking Oil Well Lacked Safety Device"].

6. BP Bares Its Dark Soul.

In a companion article, Outzen also reports Papantonio saying, "BP... 'parachuted' a corporate team into the Gulf Coast area that is offering local fisherman $5,000 to use their boats." The contracts contain fine print that purports to "prevent the fisherman from suing BP."

That ugly display of BP's corporate ethics has been well established in the past twenty-four hours. Last night, the Mobile Register reported

BP had distributed a contract to fishermen it was hiring that waived their right to sue BP and required confidentiality and other items, sparking protests in Louisiana and elsewhere.

So, BP is running a "fine print" scam. Alabama Attorney General Troy King "has told representatives of BP that they should stop circulating settlement agreements among coastal Alabamians." A mere spokesman for BP by email told the Mobile Register the company "will not enforce any waivers that have been signed in connection with this activity."

Yeah, right. The fishermen now have word of a PR flack-catcher. That'll stand up in court about as long as the Marx Brothers' "Sanity Clause."

7. Unrepentant Scoundrels.

Über right-wing crazies Bill Kristol, Neil Cavuto, and the entire Fox News team in the wake of the BP Deepwater Horizon disaster think oil companies now should be allowed to drill closer to the Gulf coast. Really, they do.

"I'm a drill, baby, drill person," Kristol says.

Oily Social Notes from the Gulf Coast

Washington, D.C.

Date: April 28, 2010

"The Department of Interior's Mineral Management Service (MMS) announced today that the 2010 Annual Industry SAFE awards Luncheon scheduled for May 3, 2010, at the Offshore Technology Conference (OTC) in Houston, Texas, has been postponed." (Click here or on the graphic to see the original).

McCain Left on Straight-Jacket Express

John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight

An Urgent Email

Dear American:

An urgent email addressed especially to your person by the Ministry of Treasury of the Republic of America is waiting in your inbox here. Please to be sure you read it as it will be to your great benefit and good fortune.

Time Out for a Weather Media Joke

We'd like to dedicate this Onion video snag, below, to the intrepid Jim Williams of Hurricane City. Jim is truly a world class asset. On occasion he grows justly impatient with, and even owly about, those who at times seem to care more about their own ass than anyone else's. Happy birthday, Jim! Enjoy --


Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South

A Leader Just Like Us

Judith Warner wrote this week in the Times:

One of the worst poisons of the American political climate right now, the thing that time and again in recent years has led us to disaster, is the need people feel for leaders they can “relate” to. This need isn’t limited to women; it brought us after all, two terms of George W. Bush.

Jon Stewart's Daily Show makes the same point, hilariously:

Racial Progress in America

Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans
Humor to commemorate Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, August 28, 1963.

McCain: Filming a Political Ad

Find that Preposition - Quickly!

Quote of the Week:

"If you are part of Meals on Wheels and don’t have dentures to eat, one of the major things that happens to you is that you become malnourished."

-- Florida State Representative Joyce Cusack

Tort Story

Florida playwright and novelist Bobby Cramer, who blogs at Bark Bark Woof Woof, apparently ran into "an elderly gentleman in a 2007 Infiniti" when the old man "made a left turn directly in front of me at an intersection." Bobby's okay. The elderly man is okay, too. But the Mustang is in critical condition.

Bobby writes:

Fortunately it happened in the middle of downtown Coral Gables and within five minutes there were three police cruisers and fire rescue on the scene.

That little detail brings to mind the story of a Yankee friend of ours who had a similar accident a few years ago. He was in New Orleans on business, driving a rental car.

Unfamiliar with the streets and signs, he suddenly found himself in the center of town, going the wrong way on a one-way street in heavy noontime traffic. Frantically looking all around, he tried to inch into the intersection so he could angle onto a two-way street, but in the process he "T-boned" another car -- in slow motion.

Our friend says he stopped immediately. Inexplicably, a large crowd gathered around both vehicles immediately. Our friend quickly exited his rental car and tried to make his way through the gaggle of gawkers to the other car, hoping to find the other driver wasn't hurt (he wasn't). As he pushed his way through the bystanders, one after another stopped him.

"I can get you a good lawyer," one fellow told him urgently.

"Me too, " said another. "I know where you can buy the best lawyer in town."

A third man grabbed our friend's elbow. "Hey, buddy," he said. "I can buy you a judge."

Fishmonger's Son Arrested - Again

The late Joe Patti's idiot son, Frank, is in trouble again. He claims to have a clear memory of the event, unlike the last time when he tried to convince government shrinks his memory was erased after he mysteriously slow-crashed his car into a display locomotive.

Give it time. Frank may yet suffer an attack of amnesia. He just won't know for sure until his lawyers can assess Frank's chances of beating this wrap.

A Christmas Necktie Tale

Every few decades around the holiday season we go through the closet to cull unfashionable neckties. It's a thankless job, but federal law requires men to do it. (This is part of the same statutory scheme making it a felony to rip that tag off your mattress.)

"What's a necktie?" the young'uns are asking. Well, it's a piece of cloth with no known practical function this side of Alex Comfort's Joy of Sex. In the Dark Ages, about 30 years ago when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, every male in America was required to wrap a tie around his neck in the morning before heading off for work, in case he needed a napkin at lunch or suddenly had to sneeze.

There was a time when all fathers, husbands, and uncles could count on getting at least one new necktie for Christmas. Some unfortunate wretches even received two or three. Of course, this was before T-shirts were invented.

The tie almost always came wrapped in a shallow, rectangular box that left no doubt about its contents. Nothing else could fit inside that distinctively shaped box except the dreaded Christmas Necktie. Certainly not the tackle box or that new sand wedge you really wanted.

"Oh, what a surprise," the man was expected to exclaim as he opened it. To lend verisimilitude to this fib he would add, as if the thought had just occurred to him, "You know, I really needed a new tie." Men of a certain age know these words better than the lyrics to Deck the Halls.

At the first opportunity, all new neckties would be transferred to the deepest recesses of a storage closet never to be seen again. Before that, however, Emily Post or some other government official mandated that every adult male in the nation had to wear his new Christmas tie at least once -- no matter how hideous it might be.

We were reminded of those ancient customs the other day when we noticed by the neolithic calendar on our wall that it was time once again to sort through our neckties and see how many we could safely throw away. For most men, every excursion of this kind into the necktie closet is like a bad trip on the dangerous drug of nostalgia. What we found this time brought flooding back memories of someone else's very special Christmas tie.

Back in the '70s, after the Watergate scandal when Gerald Ford was serving out Nixon's remaining term as president, the only U.S. president never elected to national office made an otherwise-routine appearance before the White House press corps during the holidays. It must have been in late December or early January of 1975 or '76.

The next day's news reports mentioned that Ford stepped up to the presidential podium wearing a "predominately" brown necktie he had received for Christmas. One sharp-eyed reporter immediately noticed that the brown swatch hanging down Ford's shirt-front was, in fact, a joke tie cleverly masking a blatant obscenity.

Remember, this was the 1970's, a decade known to modern historians as "the '60s." Blatant obscenities were the order of the day.

According to our mental transcript of the event the reporter asked, 'Where did you get that tie, Mr. President?'

'It was a gift from my children,' President Ford replied proudly.

'Sir, did you notice what the tie says?'

This puzzled the president. 'What it says?' he asked doubtfully, looking down his chest. 'It's just a design. Nice, don't you think?'

The reporter doggedly persisted. "Mr. President, isn't that an obscene word woven into your tie?"

"Not that I know of," the president replied.

The press corps twittered. A few guffawed.

This may strike the modern reader as unkind and disrespectful of the White House Press Corps, but you must remember the times. It was before Fox Cable News. Beltway journalists were still flushed with their success in ferreting out the ugly truths behind that "third rate burglary" at the Watergate. They had not yet learned the avuncular art of dutifully transcribing any ol' thing a president might say, regardless of its patent ridiculousness, and repeating it in print or on television with utter credulity.

How times have changed. The press back then recognized reality even when the president wouldn't. They knew what all men at home that day knew, too, and probably for the same reason. That particular Christmas season every man in America, even professional journalists, had received the same damn gift tie.

Having thoroughly confounded the president -- though it must be admitted he was an easily bewildered man -- the White House reporters moved on to a different topic, and that was the end of that.

Newspapers the next day reported on the press conference. Several mentioned that President Ford had worn "a Christmas tie" his children had given him. Many published photos of the president, although taken at such a distance that the only thing to be seen clearly was the faint suggestion of squiggly diagonal lines. But a number of more intrepid reporters, as we recall, went so far as to add that embedded in the tie was "a common four letter word" about which the president seemed oblivious.

There are perhaps ten thousand web sites that offer old neckties for sale. Google them and you will be astounded. Amazingly, however, none -- at least, none that we could find -- displays President Ford's Christmas joke tie. Perhaps it's now hanging in the back of some archival closet at the Gerald Ford Presidential Library.

Our own copy of the same tie inexplicably surfaced the other day while we were rummaging through a rarely used closet at home. It's a good guess that all over the United States this Christmas season other men will be doing the same. After all, it's that time of the century: get rid of those vintage neckties, men. Make room for new.

Click the tie to read it, if you dare. But don't take it personally. Soon, you'll be seeing thousands of them for sale on Ebay.

CLICK IMAGE TO READ

Shag Ad

Presidential Preferences

Bob Herbert today calls down the Republican Rambo Wannabes running for president.

I don’t know if children should be allowed to watch the Republican presidential debates.

The candidates seem so eager to flex their muscles and engage the nation in conflict: Let’s continue the war in Iraq. Let’s show them what we’re made of in Iran. Let’s round up those immigrants and ship ’em back where they came from.

It’s like watching adolescent boys playing the ultimate video game, with no regard for the consequences. Rudy, the crime-fighter and terror maven, says he’s tougher than Mitt, who actually had illegals working on his property. Mitt begs to differ and says he’d like to double the size of the Guantánamo prison.

Are we electing a president or a sheriff?

Bobby Rivers makes the same point in a hilarious way:

When Driving to Pensacola Beach....

UPDATE BELOW

When driving to Pensacola Beach ... for the holidays, just remember that the other cars you see may well be driven by lunatics like this woman, who was "so bored" she began filming herself on the road from Atlanta to Pensacola. On camera, she says she's itching to "go faaaassst," waves both arms in the air as she plays air guitar, nearly falls asleep when her eyelids droop, and yawns uncontrollably.

Those other drivers, just like this woman, may confess in mangled syntax, "For some reason I can't speak properly when I drink." After eating a "ribwich" while driving, they could become so smeared with barbeque sauce they are tempted to take their hands off the wheel to demonstrate how greasy they've become.

Those other drivers, you can bet, frequently will be taking their eyes off the road as they play around with music CDs. They could be repeatedly gazing at their own image on a video cam screen. Likely, they will fall asleep at wheel, as this woman nearly does.

Most disturbing of all, remember that those other drivers on the road well may be afflicted with such bad judgment that they will post the evidence of their gross negligence on the Internet for all to see.
UPDATE
12-2 pm

Alas, the video has been removed from YouTube. After entertaining us for several days -- not to mention educating us about driving habits of those heading for Pensacola Beach -- it seems the budding Atlanta film-maker/imminent auto wreck victim has had second thoughts. Maybe, just maybe, her judgment is improving.

Good luck to her... and anyone she may encounter on the road.

That's Six Inches?

Just before local elections in New Orleans last summer, the U.S. Corps of Engineers published new flood risk maps for the districts of Lakeview and Old Metarie showing how Corps improvements have improved the area's flood protection on a block-by-block basis. The maps didn't include specific technical data, so it wasn't possible to independently verify their accuracy. But they sure looked pretty:

The maps showed that the improvements made to the city canals' drainage systems would reduce flooding during a major storm by about 5.5 feet in Lakeview and nearby neighborhoods. The maps were based on a storm that has the likelihood of occurring at least once in 100 years.

So pretty, in fact, that the New Orleans Times-Picayune says Federal Gulf Coast Recovery Chief Donald Powell "called the reduced flood risk one of the most important events in the state's recovery."

Now it seems all those boastful men at the Corps made a small estimating mistake. Instead of 5 1/2 feet, the protection offered is just six inches.

The Surge Continues

Via Intel Dump, Iraqi Army Training:

Wrap Rage

"Wrap rage: Injuring oneself by using a sharp object to try to open hard-to-open plastic packaging like the kind they sell cheap consumer electronics or household items in."

-- Urban Dictionary

Mackenzie Carpenter of the Pittsburg Post-Gazette sometimes is credited with coining the phrase " wrap rage". Others say it was the BBC, which reported more than 67,000 injuries in a single year by people trying to get at the goods once they brought them home.

Whoever came up with the phrase, it's an apt description for the usual consumer response to those clamshell plastic prisons and endless twisties in which everything from computer hard drives and cell phones to Barbie dolls and Dora books are imprisoned. As McClatchey's Jackie Crosby reported a couple of days ago, this is the scene nearly everyone has to face on Christmas morning:

The wrapping paper is in piles. The ribbons are in shreds. Now it's time to get out the heavy artillery: scissors, box cutters, screwdrivers, ice picks, sheet-metal shears, and perhaps a hacksaw or two for good measure.

Freeing the toys, electronics and other gifts of the holiday season from their bulletproof packaging can require the strength of Superman and patience of Job.

"You have to run around the house, find scissors, cut it open, then you hurt your fingers trying to pull it apart, then there's these twisty things you have to untwist, plus the batteries," said Cynthia Salone, 8, of Minneapolis, recalling a recent packaging battle. "It can take 10 minutes to open."
* * *
"It's very, very, very frustrating," said Ann Hunsaid, 76, a retired teacher from Minot, N.D. "Especially for someone like me who is used to simple packaging. I do not follow this new kind of thing."

Most of us assume that manufacturers who encase their products in packages that need a jackhammer to open do so to discourage theft. But there may be more to the story than that. As blogger Sarah Gilbert pointed out earlier this month, it also gives manufacturers control over marketing and display at the retail level.

Consumer Reports posits those two reasons, and more, in suggesting [subscription required to read the whole article] that increased clamshell packaging is due to these factors:

• Plastics. When plastic became cheaper than cardboard, about a decade ago, manufacturers were able to wrap goods in new ways. Many of those options proved harder to open than the cardboard box.
• Safety. Federal safety laws require seals that will show evidence of tampering, and child-safety caps on most over-the-counter drugs. That often makes them adult-proof, too, says Laura Bix, assistant professor of packaging at Michigan State University.
• Theft. Meanwhile, shoplifting losses at retail stores in the U.S. are an estimated $15 billion a year, according to Ernst & Young, leading to electronic tags and big, sealed packaging even for tiny items, so they can’t be pocketed.
• Overseas manufacturing. Products were once largely made in the U.S., but many are now made abroad and must withstand a long sea voyage in a cargo-ship container, says Chris Byrne, editor-at-large of Toys & Family Entertainment, a trade magazine. Rigid plastic containers excel at keeping everything in place.
• “Try me” packaging. Children are encouraged to touch and interact with playthings before buying them. This has led to the creation, for instance, of what might be called Prisoner Barbie--a doll with shackled accessories. They are easy to see but hard to steal, Byrne says.
  

Some suggest voting with our wallets to avoid the impenetrable clamshell. Others say that's hopeless, after three decades of federal prosecutors ignoring federal antitrust laws, too many products have little competition and none that doesn't conspire to adopt the same kind of clamshell packages.

We think the simplest, most effective way of ridding the planet of hard-to-open packages would be for one of the TV networks to launch a new reality show -- one where the CEOs of consumer products companies are put on a desert island and, to earn the right of return, they have to open their own products on camera, using only their bare hands, toes, and teeth.

Until then, we will have to be content with watching Stephen Colbert opening a new calculator: