Onions

Fair
99°F
37°C
Humidity 9%
Wind Speed W 9 MPH
Barometer 30.04 in
Dewpoint 30°F (-1°C)
Visibility 10.00 mi
Heat Index 94°F (34°C)
Last update 30 Aug 3:35 pm MDT


Summer getting in a few strong punches, but it's reeling on its last legs. Oh, we'll still get heat, and no guarantee of any rain, but the worst days are numbered.

The tomatoes, finally ripening and looking good, although split, tasted terrible. As in take a bite and spit it out awful. I think it may be due to the Tree of Heaven. They do rather taste like those weed trees smell. TOHs been sprouting up in the garden all summer, although I've been digging them up diligently. Maybe next year I'll just do a cover crop and let the soil have a little "me-time."


Or plant tons of onions.

Gene

And Marty.

Not to mention Madeline and Peter and Kenneth.

Mel and Cloris and Terri are still going, though.

Puddle

Listless and distracted, tearful and dizzy. After three months, I started to hope I was done, but no soap. No dice. Not a chance. If I'd told my ten year old self this would still be happening after 43 years, she would have walked to the center of the Ambassador Bridge and not come back. Would have taken all my persuasion to keep her going.

It's not really that bad, really not. Irritating, but you get the hang of it. Good for your heart and connective tissue to have working ovaries. The mess is manageable. The pain treatable, drugs are available.

My ten year old self would look at me now with scorn and exasperation. Yeah, yeah, I know, but Dylan and cats and life is worth it, worth everything that comes before. Seriously, that good, I promise.

But, 54?


OK, this part sucks. Feeling awful today. Bursting into irrational tears. Thankfully, Dylan knows not to take this seriously, and I joke about it to reinforce that. Slept long and hard last night, still not enough.

Called off tomorrow, working Wednesday instead, by Friday I'll be a puddle.

A puddle right now.

You aren't only the ripples others can see. You are made of oceans.
- Victoria Erickson

(via whiskey river)

Opal

Got a laugh from my scrub tech yesterday. Had to shove a foot pedal on to a surgeon's foot. He chose to go for the sleeze, saying suggestively "Oh, don't stop doing that!"

"I had no idea your ankles were so sensitive." I replied.

For some reason, this hit her as very funny.

We had some guys over that Dylan met at a gamer meet-up last week. I was lured into their RPG, something I've wanted to do, but never felt comfortable with before. Both of them were eager for me to join in. This is... touching. There will be at least one more player.

So, I have a character sheet, and I'm doing research, and we'll be doing a game every other week starting later next month.

Personally, I LOVE having people here. Makes me happy to have people in House. I think House likes it, too. Cats were friendly with Guys, which is a Very Good Sign. Dylan relaxed and happy, which is even better.

So tired this morning, body all hormones and disappointment. Dylan wants me to get a guitar-priced bit of pretty for myself. When I pick up the repaired necklace, I will look with that as my budget. Learning to take gifts has never been easy for me, but in that context, I will try. There is a time to be stingy/thrifty, there is a time to be a little lavish. Our years of excessive thrift have given us immense stability, time for small extravagances.

Probably an opal. Really soft on opals.



Not Opels, though. Well, not particularly.


Although...



Ok, it could be much worse on the lust front.

Bowling

Got off a little early. Took my broken necklace to the local, art jewelers who fixed it nearly eight years ago. Fantasized about getting a little something pretty there, but it's all beyond my ability to rationalize. Fixing what I have is enough, silver and beautiful. Enough. One day, maybe, I can have a huge splurge, perhaps when I retire. When I say huge... I'm not talking a month's wages. Never wanted an "engagement" ring like that. No lover of gold or diamonds. But good design? Perhaps a nice opal? That level of luxury. Less now than ever, but the attraction to beauty remains. Not so important, but, maybe, just a little over the line of practicality, would be nice?

Tolerant

"I didn't invite her, did you?"
"He's letting me sit by him!"


I was going to vacuum in there, but I haven't the heart to disturb this. Moby looking dubious but tolerant. Eleanor sneaky and blissful.

Yesterday was all rooms running, and two sick-calls, me on lunch/resource. So I ran the full ten hours. All five rooms still going at 1600, down to one by the time I left at 1730. Ate my own lunch at 1030, took a short break around 1330, mostly just kept hopping, keeping everyone tended. Made the day whoosh by. When I got home, though, I was utterly pooped. Still worn and low energy. The newer staff reeling a bit, and whining, they haven't seen it like this very often. More and more days like this coming up and through the end of the year. Typical pattern, school starting tomorrow. Much depends on weather and chance, of course. Even I forget how frantic it gets after a long slow stretch. Not forget, but my body does, and complains when it speeds up again.

Any rate, I'm tired. Sure I got in my full 10K steps yesterday. At work. Still feeling stunned.

Requested vacation days for birthday and week in March while our surgeons are at their conference. I want to imagine them all at a Con, doing cosplay...




"Eh, she's ok, really."

"mmmmmm..."

Steel

Many, many years ago. Ok about 25. Dylan asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Second one with him, the first occurring in Saudi. I told him I needed a good stainless steel mixing bowl. He may not have known what to make of that, but it was the simple truth, I did. (And the ex objected to buying me any gift that wasn't fun, for him to buy. So, it was kind of a test.)

Dylan gave me a set of steel mixing bowls for my birthday.

He really gave me the gift of listening to me, and believing what I said.

Still have those bowls, still use them all the time. Still have Dylan around. Still listened to. Still believed.

I've gotten a few new ones, with steeper sides, one has rubberized exterior, so it won't slip. A few from yard sales. Very useful things, steel bowls. Always reminds me of the Indian restaurant in Windsor, that had stainless steel tableware. (The ex and I ate there, it was amazing. Pity he didn't remember that.) Pity it was gone when Dylan and I were in Windsor, ON.

Scavenging the past for all that lasts. Like steel.

My silver necklace broke last night. It did this once before. I took it to a local jeweler with a lot of gorgeous stuff I love, but could never justify wearing. They repaired this same necklace before, I'm sure they will again. I will drool a little over their opals and creative designs. Maybe when I retire, if ever, I can manage something pretty, and not too expensive. Dylan would nudge me and say, "Oh, go ahead." But I'm happy just knowing he would. And getting the one I have fixed up. It really is the thought behind the gift that endures.

Unless it's also made of steel, then both do.


(Steel is the 11th anniversary, apparently. I call it for 26 as well, coming up, not now, no congrats you silly people!)

Stillness

How about a trip to Hawaii, then off to New Zealand? This little boat is on it's way. Remote controlled, solar powered, and intrepid.

Left my ipad at work, one of those things where I distracted myself at the last moment, and then didn't notice until I was home. Called Brynne, who found it (easy, with the distinctive cover it has, everyone knows it at a glance) and will lock it up, with the other OR ipads* for company. Dylan says it's a sleepover for them. I figure they'll bring out the virtual pyjamas and text gossip all night. Gonna be a tuckered out little ipad in the morning, though.

Stopped on my way home for catsoup turkey. They do like it, and are healthier for it. Eleanor has even stopped begging for kibbles every morning. Planning to put her (hairball control) treats in this little enrichment toy, cardboard tubes taped together, as suggested on the Simon's Cat video.

Still hot, still dry, still August.






*Those ipads record any video or images saved during surgery to be shown to the patient and family, which beats CDs and colored printers by miles and miles. Over time, a lot cheaper.

Blind

Got the yardsale blinds up in the mudroom/cattoilet. Only reduces light slightly, will insulate much better than the film currently there. Got to play with the dremel tool.

Cleaned the living room, in preparation for Friday game night. This has been in the works a long time, hoping it works, people show up and fun is had. We shall see.

August getting to me, the smoke and dry, the lowering glare of a searing sun. Hunkering down, despairing of rain.

Fair
93°F
34°C
Humidity 9%

Fads

The "color run" streamed by our house again this morning. We walked to a couple of close yard sales, then sat watching the runners/walkers. One scooted by in a Bowling Pin costume, two young women walked in white satin wedding dresses (presumably from thrift shops), and a series of groups sat on the curb in front of our house, in the shade of our tree and sunflowers. We had no objection, it's a good place to pause. It's a very silly event, and although there is some benefit to charities, the organizers are for-profit. I'm not fond of having the street closed for that. But I don't mind the actual people, and their kids. They get sprayed with colored powders, like a cut-rate Holi. Can't be ideal for their lungs, but whatever.

Once the road opened, we set out to get a canister for cat food, the one we had has a cracked lid. Got it cheap at a yard sale (natch), so we knew it worked well. See, there is this kitchen gear store... we can't go often because there are so many toys. Ahem. We got out of there with only a few extra items. (That's where I got my green teapot last month.)

And Dylan needed new shoes. He's been getting in 10K steps every day for the best part of this last year, is in better shape, and wears out his shoes. We go to the local sporting/outdoor gear store. The woman who fitted him was so modern-flower girl, full dreadlocks, pyjama type pants, vague and sweet manner. Humans do tend to fall into types, some more completely than others. No mockery from me, I was amused and delighted. And he has good shoes again.

So much disdain for hipsters and genxers and manbuns and pokemon players, but it's all just different flavors of the same old variations. We aren't different, we just show it differently. People my age and older whine about how kids don't get out and play, staying on their devices. Some of that is class and income, really. I spent hours every day sitting in front of the tv watching whatever was on. And mocked for reading too much.

Never got to do actual sports, that was not an allowed expense. Occasionally got to swim at the public pool, ballet at the public park center when I was very young. Hated organized sports in school because no one explained the rules, just yelled at those who didn't know for not being automatically good at it. I preferred to stick my nose in a book. And I was a very lonely kid, having a blog and internet access and twitter would have greatly expanded my interaction with other human beings, I could have found other kids like me.

I did ride my bike around, but over a lot of parental objections. Playing outside in the summer was vital, because we had no AC, and inside was unbearable. Detroit was very polluted, unsafe, very few kids my age. Today, most kids of a certain class play soccer or other sports as a matter of course. They probably get a lot more exercise than I ever did.

Not that constantly staring at a screen is great, but I don't think it's significantly worse than I had it. Really, I think it's comparing different populations and making hasty judgements. Next step from blaming helicopter parents to blaming the kids for trying to be connected.

As for men who can do a bun, I like guys who have fun with their hair. Why not? Our large Samoan scrub tech has one, and he's lovely. (Big teddy bear, and new kid brother. Ok, nephew.) As for video games? Gods, think about the money spend in arcades, or on comic books, or playing with toy soldiers. Fads come and go, but the purpose is largely the same. Creativity and distraction, escape and connection, fashion and finding one's place in the world. Like slang, it's about defining and excluding as a way of delineating. I listen and only use it with heavy, intentional (slight) misuse.

After lunch, decided I needed to walk a bit more, wandered through the nursery. Picked up an iris bulb and cat-grass seed. Saw a Moving Sale sign, and followed it to a street I'd never seen before. This part of the city has a lot of little half-streets tucked into larger blocks. Found a Clue game, some steel bowls, scissors, hole punch, planter roller, and little resin silvered Chinese dragon. And some lovely people.


The world moves along, with or without our approval. Might as well enjoy the show, bemused, and reminded of earlier variations spiraling around again.

Randomness

Apples and onions, say the bells of Paul Bunyon's.


Inside every common snake, is a common mouse trying to get out.

"Diggin' the hat."

Chemistry

Looked up all the failures on this blog. Impressive list of times I've thrown myself out into the ether, and had to scramble back, panting.

Which is fine. Proof of courage, for this timid child. Balls to the wall and have a bash! Not innate, not nurtured, but grabbed by the collar and fucking learned, eventually.

To try, and fail. Such is life. Beats the hell out of hiding and shaking in fear.

Too much fear in my early life. Insecurity amidst apparent stability.

The name of the Sister who taught chemistry and told me I'd never be a nurse because I would need to be good at chemistry - and I was not doing well in her class, came into my head this afternoon. Googled it. Found her. Sent her an email.

Not mean, but frank. Brusque even. She derailed an already lost child, because she couldn't teach for toffee, and blamed me. No idea if she'll ever get the email. Made me feel better.

Have lost all respect for irrelevant authority figures in antiquated institutions. She did me harm. Actual harm. Part of why I avoided hard sciences for a long time. When I re-approached them, I struggled but did fine. And chemistry is not that crucial for nurses. Not in most specialties. Not being able to do strings of equations/reactions at any rate. The only thing I got out of chemistry that I actually use is the ability to look at long chemical names without fear. (It's like German, just break it apart, and it's not actually a word, but a sentence without breaks or commas.)

Ok, now I have to look up someone to thank. Karmic balancing. I've managed to find and thank a number of people who've helped me over the years, which is wonderful. Rarely have I even tried to send a rebuke. Still, compassion and gentleness need to overwhelm. Must find a way to swamp this isolated kernel of resentment.

I'll let you know.


Thing is, I think I lived my early life expecting nothing but failure. Success learned only after Basic, when I won through and finished. Which is maybe why I am comfortable with falling on my face. Life has shown that despite many early losses, I eventually, through tenacity and attentiveness, gained ground. Found joy. Won.

By any standard I care about, I've won at life. Cats. Love. A house. The fuck else could I hope for?

I win.

No matter what follows. Golden honors galore. Au.

WOL

These notices had been written by Christopher Robin, who was the only one in the forest who could spell; for Owl, wise though he was in many ways, able to read and write and spell his own name WOL, yet somehow went all to pieces over delicate words like MEASLES and BUTTEREDTOAST.

A.A.Milne


How to feel like a small, squeaking creature.

Monday called off, eleven hours Tuesday and Wednesday, off today - Thursday. Picked up turkey thighs for catsoup on the way home, stayed up until 2230 to make sure it was cooked, to be stripped and prepped and mixed with pumpkin in the morning for kitty consumption. So tired.

Eleanor sitting on my chest this morning the last several hours of sleep-ish. I think she missed me a bit. I know I missed her vibrating purr and gentle paws. Slept until 0800, which was wonderful beyond words, especially with a cat purring on my sternum.

After making catsoup, I cleaned the kitchen, badly in need. Systematically, thoroughly, very squeaky. Job-in -front-of-me method. Night before last dreamed of the leeks and potato leftovers, how I must make potato leek soup, no idea how, too asleep to look it up. Started it this morning after cleaning the crock pot of turkey, and wondered over the instructions to puree it.

Today, walked to the Large Store a block away, found %50 off shorts*, and an $8 mixer. Figured, hell, can't go too far wrong. Turns out it's a pretty reliable little tool, went at the soup with. Soup turned out very tasty, to our delight. While at Large Store, heard a cashier singing the Mickey Mouse song. Elderly woman in her line apparently delighted. Walked out smiling and warmed by her small kindness, even without context.



Smelled fire last evening, soon after heard a plethora of sirens. Turned out to be a block away from an apartment we once lived in, several blocks away from us now. Pot raid the night before, guy arrested, let out on bail, neighbors figure he set the grow operation on fire. Sounds likely, or at least related. Could just be overextended wiring. Ruined old house, poor thing.

Reading Longbourne by Jo Baker, and loving it. Also read American Born Chinese by Gene Luen Yang, also very good. Nice to be reading books again. Last month I wasn't reading much.

Went out first thing this morning to dig out stink tree sprouts and check the tomatoes. Lovely just to be outside. Cats glad to have food.


*Shorts fit well, too.

Chores

Picked up a cellular blind for $1 at a yard sale yesterday, bright white. Thought it would provide some insulation for the mudroom. The brackets that came with it were utter crap, though. Will have to jerry-rig it, which is fine, don't need to be pretty. Need a bit more time. Lets in plenty of light, which matters in that otherwise very dark space. Dylan thought it would take us 15 minutes to do, he jinxed us. Oh, well, we'll work something out before it gets cold. If it ever gets cold. Took a little time to call the owners of the (empty, for lease) corner store, vandalized with graffiti last night. Very imaginative and artistic (not) dickdrawing. Could have been worse, really.

He had to work this afternoon, so we ate dim sum at Hong Kong Tea House, which nourishes body and soul. I figured I'd get busy and take care of some little stuff. First, I had to take Moby outside for a good sunning, he did insist. Hacked back the ivy between the houses. There are stink trees growing up there as well, they're everywhere this year. Neighbor thinks it's because we took one out. Could be.

Moved a small bookcase from the music room closet to the workroom space, and the larger bookcase there into the vacated place, shifted and shelved books.




Tweaked the q-tip holder I made out of a decorative box salvaged from work, finger hole needed to be bigger. Re-hot-glued the butter retention strap. Dyed my hair (still in the process.) Helped other neighbor clear a fallen tree branch into yard waste bin, salvaging the main branch for the grape arbor to be.



addendum:

Seems like a lot, but I do as much at work between cases when we have to shift positioners, as between say a shoulder scope and a hip scope, followed by a hand case. And it's lunchtime so there is no help, or very little.

I took my own pace, and did only as much as I felt like, dammit. Got called off work tomorrow, so I need to plan more tasks.


Julia. Aunt Alma's brother's wife's name was Julia. I called them Aunt Julia and Uncle Al. The one who cooked the catfish I caught, and didn't like children, but liked me anyway.

Antidote

The comic guys met last evening, they are my antidote to the apparent waves of misogyny rising all around. Not in any squishy, sensitive new-age way. No, it seems to grow out of healthy souls and self-educated minds. Surely such men have always existed, quietly living in fairness, and kindly with the women in their lives. Whole human beings rolling along inside whatever skewed times they lived in, rolling their eyes at the blowhards and privileged.

Thinking about Harold and Maude, and the song at the end. Don't think I ever want to watch the movie again, fearing disappointment. Saw it several times in my 20s, and once after that. That last time nearly spoiled the first impression for me, so I'll keep that early, overwhelming experience. Such stuff is best unanalyzed, protected under glass, kept safe in my heart and away from direct sunlight.

Still, such a profound rogue wave, hitting me at just the right moment in my life. So many ideas shiny new to me, glimpsed and only vaguely understood. Thusly are favorite movies made. Not the story alone, but in conjunction with one's receptivity. Or vulnerability.



Go and love some more.


It's not just me, this exchange from a discussion online.

Mouse_Woman
I am amazed at memories of the starry-eyed idealist who occupied my body forty-five years ago. I honestly believed that my generation would see the end of sexism, racism, war, and measles.

i wasn't even right about the measles.


Talitha
I know just what you mean.

cococo
It's amazing to me. Even on a small scale, look at Miss Manners today.


AlsoCuteandFluffy626
A few weeks ago there was some Miss Manners that must have been cross-posted to some anti-gay website, because the comments were just horrifying. It made me feel sick just reading them.


Talitha
Yes, it was awful... a siege.

obxwahoo 88
It's a nice way to think, even if the reality doesn't measure up. Maybe in a hundred years... nah, we'd need enough time for people to actually evolve further.


DJWinMassachusetts
Faulty theories about the causes of sexism, racism and war.


AlsoCuteandFluffy626
It takes a black man and a woman running for president just for people to see the ugly racist and misogynist streak in this country. Some of the rhetoric and slurs that just get tossed around in conversation are horrifying.

Of course, the reality is that it was always there, but people felt they had to hide it before.

obxwahoo 88
There are actually a lot of signs of hope - it's just ugly while we lift up all the rocks they were hiding under.

WonderfulWorld
Mouse Woman -- We're not dead yet!

Mouse_Woman
No, but at this rate, it will require several incarnations to get much of anywhere. I just hope I don't come back as a cat.

WonderfulWorld
Why not? We are at the top of the chain...humans obey our every wish.

Punch

Rained enthusiastically yesterday evening. Rain barrels are full, garden has been wetted, and I'm feeling better about all the lifeforms. I was not feeling kindly disposed yesterday, so I took a long, hard walk around the park and back. As the rain spattered on me, the toxins ran and thinned.

Spent an hour grieving my poor niece, brother's eldest child. Knew her only a little, being 13 years old when she was born in another country. Air Force brat, shifted around from Arizona to England to Michigan to Texas. And me, disinterested in children at the best of times, on moderate to shaky footing with my brother, and shaky to poor with my SIL. She would have been about 11 when I moved away for good, or bad as it turned out*.

She had a daughter young, married three times, trouble with drugs - according to a news clipping I found. My younger older brother (only 9 years older) sent a link to a tribute. Not watching it, I know the tendency to canonize the dead. I'm not opening back up that channel of communication either, anymore than a can of worms.

I feel for her daughter, who couldn't be more than 22, 23.



I hope she found some happiness. Enough to count.

Keep thinking about comfort in, dump out. I can air my truth here, but never to anyone closer in, my brothers, for instance. It's like punching down. Never make jokes about those in a weaker position, only speak truth to power, only insult those above you.





*At least for a while. Got better.

Unicorn

It's an ad, but holy unicorn poop.

Workshop

The Hamson Tomato isn't looking great. Well, from one angle it looks lovely. Letting it ripen inside, I'll cut it open and see how much damage. If it looks well localized, the better half will be eaten. More are starting. Can't see any pests on the plants, so I have no idea what is happening. Other than excessive heat and scarce water. I've been dripping back there for several days, maybe they are just stressed.

Hot night Sunday, woke up to 80˚F in the morning, usually the coolest part. Meaning 0530-0600, which is when I get up. This morning, 67˚F such a relief. Looking at more moderate temps.

The workshop in the works, this time with a magnetic strip. We will be getting more of these.



Cat still on the bed, but with fewer tools. I cleared him a spot earlier.

Much ado in the neighborhood last night, two fire engines, an ambulance and four police cruisers across the street and a few houses north. We thought it was in the shack-like house, or the run-down one next to it. But no, it's in the newish apartments/condos. Older guy killed by a younger guy. My first thought was, sexual advances made, young guy loses it kills older guy. Had numerous second theories, since the first seemed too stereotypical and banal. As the news seeps in today, guess what. Yeah. Sometimes I hate being right.

Like when I read about my poor niece. As soon as I saw 'oncology' in her obituary, I thought, cervical cancer. Seriously, if I'd had the training when I was young, I'd have been a brilliant diagnostician. Or maybe not - if I hadn't lived my ramshackle life, I wouldn't have the instincts.

Feeling rattled and off step. In a mood to set the world on autodestruct, blow up any peripheral friendship, smash glass and turn my back on any god around.




Ok, that's better.

Sorting

"The first week of August hangs at the very top of summer, the top of the live-long year, like the highest seat of a Ferris wheel when it pauses in its turning. The weeks that come before are only a climb from balmy spring, and those that follow a drop to the chill of autumn, but the first week of August is motionless, and hot. It is curiously silent, too, with blank white dawns and glaring noons, and sunsets smeared with too much color. Often at night there is lightning, but it quivers all alone. There is no thunder, no relieving rain. These are strange and breathless days, the dog days, when people are led to do things they are sure to be sorry for after."
- Natalie Babbitt
my mind, it wanders

via Whiskey River.

I encase Eleanor in a snug harness and carry her out to the catnip, where she luxuriates. Sits near the thyme, gets her paws into the dirt. She still occasionally bolts, so I hold on firmly to the leash handle. She is more easily comforted and calmed now. She must be carried back in, complaining, most times. Still, she loves to breathe in all the garden aromas.



We both take Moby out, on a minimal harness that he can get out of, given a moment, but he doesn't. We can unleash him, and he will wander through the garden sometimes. We can pretty much tell when he's being Adventure Cat!™ and we need to keep a line on him. He largely stays to the paths and soaks in the sun, listens to the wind and birds.



We are making progress on turning the back/spare room into a workspace. Sorting tools, getting a magnetic tool strip. The worktable is the old kitchen island, legs shortened, and two legs added. It sits solidly at a good height for both of us. Clearing out the ikkea drawers left by P.O.s, to repurpose them, again. They are not pretty, but they do have a nice slide action. The bed is still there, still usable. We have used it ourselves, perhaps once or twice a year, when one or the other of us has a bad flu cough, and the other needs to sleep. It's a bit hard, and low, but perfectly acceptable for a night or two. No guests yet, but we like having it there for peace of mind.

So far...

Consequence

I have two nieces. Born when I was still in high school, to a brother and SIL in the military and not present. I was the first's godmother (by proxy), and proxy for the second one's godmother. I have had no real contact with either since I was 23 and moved away, met them once when I got back from GWI and visited my brother in Texas for a few days.

The older niece has just died, I found her obituary, with a thanks to an oncology hospital. I left a note on the funeral home site, since I am not in contact with my brother.

I can only imagine. Wanting not to intrude where I would not be welcome, I hold my peace.

My family is fraught, as usual. Enmeshed and emotionally abusive, too hot or too cold. And I want to keep my own hard won sanity. Version of sanity, anyway.

That I was her godmother, as well as aunt, bothers me. I was not given a choice, just told and expected to feel honored, even though I secretly didn't believe. Much as I was assumed to accept my Confirmation, even though never really asked in a way I could refuse, as a dependent child of angry parents, going to Catholic school (an excellent education, which I valued, and still value to this day.)

Not going to call. Nope. They couldn't be arsed to lift more than a finger to even try to find me to let me know my (admittedly detested) father was dying, or dead. They, who make such a fuss about FAMILY, as though genes are magical creators of LOVE, couldn't find online whitepages and make a few phonecalls. I could, to find them when I found my father's obit. It's not rocketsurgery.

Sorry, sorry. I do feel badly for them. To lose a daughter. Even one with so many troubles. Including an arrest for dealing meth. And a string of last names, commemorating various husbands. But of course, they were wonderful parents. Of course they were. And people miraculously become loving wonderful parents as soon as a baby is born. No parent would hurt their own child. Family is everything.


Mostly, I feel sorry for her. Could have been me, given a few different twists. At least she's free now. And I can do nothing for my other niece, either. I don't know her. I last knew her when she was too small for school. There is no connection, only a vague genetic strand. None of my business. Unless she reaches out, and why the hell should she?


Dylan's parents are moving much further away, and I'm feeling done and done and done. Even where their house is was a trying and miserable distance. Driving sucks for me, and they are going further away. I love them, but I don't much like visiting with them, too many conversational pitfalls. To drive over an hour away on terrible roads to bite my tongue for an hour, then drive another hour back? Not that it's anything to do with me.

I know, nothing to do with me. Still, it hits all my own family of origin hot buttons, and it's all I can do not to react. They have chosen an extra bedroom over living closer. At least they will be closer to their son's in-laws, which will make time with their grandsons easier. Which is wonderful.

I don't mind not visiting them. But I know the pressure to get non-driving Dylan out to them is going to increase. Dylan won't expect this of me, not at all. But sending him out there by himself, via train then as a ride-share hostage, during our sparse time together...

Must step back. As others have made their choices, I must make mine. And as they take their consequences, I accept mine as well.


I need to send brothers an email. Out of compassion. Because it's the right thing to do. For my own peace of mind.

Ribbon

It was a bad ribbon cable, as Dylan suspected. Not too expensive, certainly cheaper than a logic board refurb, or a new refurb laptop, and took much less time than feared. So, back on and very glad to be. The spacebar issue is also resolved, which I suspect was related to the cable going out.

Yay.



The new teapot, and it's first cup of tea. I'm really happy with it, pours well, good size, and although I wasn't fond of the color in the store, it looks very appealing in the kitchen. Well, and I tend to see the beauty of useful things, once I know they are useful. Had a pair of scissors once, thought the reddish handles were ugly, until I started using them, and fell in love. Realized they were gorgeous.

Love imparts beauty, reveals it, recognizes in both parties.

Thanks for all the encouragement. I've been reading all the comments. I'll reply sometime soon.



So contented.

Snaps

Hi. I'm on the iPad, no photo capability. That I have this much is only due to Dylan's IT skills. Laptop has suffered a probable logic board failure, in hospital at the moment, for an undetermined stretch.

It's all rather awkward.

Tis the week for it. Expect autocorrect type misspellings. I've broken two teapots this week, which is a bit much even for me. One handle, one spout. Considered getting a stainless steel one, but wound up with a rather different, and what's more - green pot. Possibly chartreuse.

Commenting and posting will be bare bones and spotty. Especially since the next four days could potentially be solidly book. Or not. Stretch of low census days may continue with short schedules.

Record heat, breakage,
Complications and hurdles
Stretching and snapping.