Yeah. Well.
I'm not a terribly sociable person. I have the skills, it just takes so much out of me. It's a job, not what I do for fun. I can charm the hell out of my patients, pour it all out for them, expect nothing back, save my paycheck. But fun or not, some part of me that enjoys being around people, especially smart, witty, funny people, is hungry.
So often, the people I've befriended have simply taken my efforts, and smiled, and walked off with them. I too often attract the needy, when what I want is egalitarian companionship. I give too much. Not that I give the right things, or am generous, but I dump too much on others, and they leave before being swamped. Learning just how much to offer is not an easy task for me. Never had much of an example to follow, no pattern to recognize. My parents did not have friends, they had family. And a fuckedup family it was, too.
For intimacy, I have D, who cares for me so utterly.
Perhaps what I don't need is a dear friend, but a few friends of a lighter variety.
So often, I have found excuses for myself, why I can't find any friends. Too religious, too conservative, too into their own children*, too into food/crafts/stardreck. And while I will not tolerate abuse nor evangelical ranting, most folks can avoid sensitive topics for an evening. Some situations create spaces for friendly banter, and I think that is what I most need. The old pockets of interest that created this are gone. The army was great, any time, day or night, one could joke around with someone, if only the CQ on fire guard. Not about to join up again. Belly dance (the scene has evaporated), pottery open studio time(studio closed), library volunteer desk (fine at the time), sacred harp singing (I just can't seem to stomach the religiosity of the sacred harp songs anymore), all have filled this trace nutrient need for a while. All those are come and gone, and I need to find something else for this. Work helps, but sorta doesn't count. No choice involved, high price for error. And I don't need much, maybe a dose a month.
Not that I haven't been trying, but I think I've let it all slide. Taken my failures too much to heart. Like when I was learning to be an ESL tutor, and they sent me to the LDS Mission Center to teach people in a large class who were learning English and were illiterate in their own language. Not to mention the 30 minute drive on my only day off. For me, this is all nightmare fuel, as communicated to the program instructors on the first day. Oh, well. Or the Meetups where I wound up talking to the nutjob, while wanting to talk to the person two seats over, but no one could hear because we were at a bar with the music too loud, and I got tired at nine because I had to be up the next morning before six.
Buggered by scheduling.
Nevermind. I don't think I need a close friendship, I need a group I can socialize with once a month. What I don't need is someone needy. Casual, "guy" friends. Not necessarily male, but poker buddies, without the poker. D is trying to organize a RPG here, with my full support. This could take a while.
Perhaps this is the point of knitting circles. I'd form a book club, if that wouldn't suck utterly.
That I have all of you who read here, and leave me notes, makes a huge difference. Essential. If only I could invite you for a weekend…
I like the house across the street. The roof has a certain rightness to it. Nice proportions, I think.
*I am glad of parents who like their children, so this is about my own whining, while admiring their proper dedication. Yeah! for good parents.
15 comments:
i find myself touched by the friendships that have blossomed on the blogosphere. amazing, isn't it? like pen pals of yesteryear, but different in many ways.
i find myself blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. it's worth it. i understand the work situation, though - it wasn't until i went back to school and found myself surrounded by like-minded individuals that i discovered how hungry i'd been for that.
good luck. you will find them. and why not start a bookless club?
I'm thinking the meetup system has to be useful for something. Gotta make it weird enough, without attracting those with huge axes to grind, though.
If I could figure out how to phrase 'bookless' club, I'd give it a go. As stated, I think it would just confuse people. Most people. I see that as,
"Hey, did you read a book this week?"
"Sure did."
"Cool."
"… "
"… "
There are people who don’t make friends. Who don’t have friends and never will have. People like me who just don’t know how to make friends and, when someone makes an effort to get friendly, can’t be arsed to do the work to make it function.
I want friends too, oh how desperately I do, but would I keep up with anyone? Probably not.
My parents had no friends and I’m an only child. Solitary and ego-centric.
I'm another friendless person. Most of the time my husband is more than enough camaraderie for me, but every once in a while I'd like to have a woman friend.
We're transplants here. We chose the place by placing a pin on a map and drawing a circle of 100 miles. We didn't want to be too far from Memphis to drive in case of emergency, but not close enough for "drop-in" visits. As circumstances evolved, the one we wanted to be close enough for has died -- and the rest will never drop in.
So, if financially possible, we will try to sell this place in 2014 and move back to Colorado. We have no friends there, but we do have some family and perhaps that will fill the need I have for additional conversations and affection. We also prefer the climate in Colorado, although we worry about the lack of water. And the cost of living...
I empathize with your need. Perhaps you should look for a neighborhood pub... one without loud music... although in an LDS state one might be hard to find!
i am not friendless.
recently, however, i lost my two best friends. i am not looking to replace them.
meantime, you may come by anytime you want. i will be happy to pull something nice out of my freezer for you or whip up a little something but you must PROMISE not to stay too long because i like my space.
Oh, I do love you all.
Maybe for us, friends are a trace nutrient. Can't go completely without for too long, but don't need all that much as long as we have some kinds of connection.
Friko,
I think you are lovely. I hereby declare that blog-friends count. And you have many of those, including me.
Class,
Moby thanks you again for reminding me about the hotpad, and counts you as his friend.
flask,
Oh, I'd stay at a nearby motel, promise.
One of the good things about the blogosphere is that it's very open and friendly and casual. That is one of the things we are missing in our own lives, I think, we don't have much of a sense of community in it. Such a cliche but this is what it means in practice. Here, local libraries often have interesting stuff up on their notice boards, hope you find something you want to try.
A huge amount to think about in this post. Several years ago I was part of a wonderful group of friends here, most associated with the university, most from overseas. Gradually they drifted away — finished their studies, got jobs elsewhere and so on — and although a few remain, I don't have the regular meet-ups I had during that period. Fortunately, I'm comfortable on my own most of the time, but I can understand the desire for regular company of the right kind — and I enjoy it.
One of the wonderful things about travelling is the constant making of new friendships. They seldom last once we move on — maybe an occasional email gets exchanged, but even that knowledge doesn't seem to detract overly from the enjoyment of brief but excellent friendships. I don't know what that says about me (!), but maybe it's a kind of substitute for longer term friendships? Most travel is temporary, though.
You're all invited to my place. Might have to camp in the paddock or scrounge the spare rooms next door or stay at Songbird Gardens up No. 1 Line (idyllic), but we could make it happen. Except for the distance, though — this is when I realise New Zealand's a long way from almost everywhere.
:^)
Making friends as an adult is haaaaard. I don't even keep up with my old good friends who I now live far from. When I think about calling them it's not usually the right time of day. By evening my social self has gone to bed already.
Bookless book group is a great idea. Game nights appeal to me but I've never gotten one going.
I miss checking in with someone regularly and hearing about their minutia. And laughing, that's the best part of friendship.
I enjoy my book group, which consists (mainly) of people who aren't really like my usual friends (who're mainly English teachers) but whose company I quite enjoy anyway. But like most book groups, we don't spend the majority of our time discussing the book. We chat about all sorts of things. I wonder why you're so against them?
The other thing I like is that it makes me read books I wouldn't have chosen. I don't like them all but I've really enjoyed some of them.
But I think your idea of a bookless group is a great one.
Thanks for the thanks -- I'm proud to have Moby for a friend. I have a cat who looks just like Moby and his name is Muggle. because he is a non-magical creature!
Well, that about says it all, don't it? It's not just each one of us, it's about our culture, time of life, circumstances beyond our control. So we have each other, and really, that's just fine, really is.
Isabelle,
I have never found a book club that actually meets, or reads anything that I wouldn't throw against the wall. Tried one, read a terrible Oprah bookclub book, and the meeting never even happened. Ugh.
Like Isabelle, I also enjoy my book club and can make identical claims; we tend to talk about the book sometimes at length, if the book warrants it, and other times hardly at all. Some of our members typically come to the meeting having read only a fraction of the book, while others have always read the book to completion. We organize a meal with our book club too and we take turns hosting, so whomever is hosting provides the main component of the meal, and each of us (coordinated through email) brings a component like an appetizer, side dish, dessert, wine.
It is too bad you haven't found a book group that appeals. I don't know how you would find one; my book group doesn't advertise, we gain members through word of mouth, and lose members periodically too.
As for friends, my wife excels at making and keeping friends while I have just a handful that I put some amount of effort at maintaining as otherwise my natural tendency would be to let those friendships wither.
I often feel like someone without a great gift for friendship, for many of the reasons you and the others here have outlined. It's quite refreshing to hear people say freely they don't really have friends, it's almost taboo to admit this so it sometimes seems. But we're not all of us such social animals, and some people it seems to me protest too much about how wonderfully befriended they are.
It's good to have a reason to meet up, doing something concrete with other people, which some jobs I've done provided, generally the more hands-on, low-status ones, in fact. I enjoy the more or less weekly yoga and coffee with a couple of other women which we've been doing for years. Sometimes I feel a bit bad I don't do anything much else with them, but it's a regular slot and it suits me. One of the problems here is distances and lack of suitable spaces outside of home to meet, which puts an onus on invitations and feeding people which gets rather burdensome.
I used to like the idea of a book club but now would rather resent the idea of my reading being prescribed in that way. I think I quite like the idea of a knitting circle because I might enjoy discussing the technical minutiae of something, shared references to yarns and patterns and stuff, a bit nerdy really. There were one or two women at the knitting show I went to who I struck up conversation like that with, and they seemed to have a bit of a hinterland of other culture I could respond to as well. But I have a feeling there'd be lots of chat about children and things I couldn't be bothered with.
Of late I have felt more appreciative of the loose but fairly supportive network of people I have around, on and off-line. Doesn't mean you have to be soul-mates, or in each other's pockets or anything.
Sorry to be so late here, I've enjoyed catching up and this was the post I felt most drawn to comment on.
Lucy,
You have it precisely. And you have exactly what I could enjoy. Especially about the prescription of a book club.
I think this post hit a nerve with many who stop by here. I may have to work on this issue here a bit more.
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