Mini-Review - Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack (2012 - Dir. Takayuki Hirao)

Due to the time pressures of not having been too well recently and trying to get more painting done to start a new art career, I've been struggling to get many reviews written. So what I've decided is that I'll write longer reviews for really good (or bad) films and for the more average of offerings, I will do a little mini-review. Here we go then with my first. Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack.

It all starts off as pretty bonkers, yet entertaining, with scenes of fish walking on metallic legs attacking people left, right and centre and even a cheeky threesome (fish not included).

Then, at about the halfway point, the fish creatures are replaced by human creatures and the whole thing - whilst continuing the bonkers theme - falls apart into a turgid mess. A disappointment after the promising first half.

2/10

evlkeith

Review - The Pack (2010 - Franck Richard)

(Due to the fact that I've already reviewed The Pack, the competition rules state that Doccortex has to review it instead. So here's the final review of the FA Cup of Actors as Émilie Dequenne faces Ellen Page, who scored a respectable 6.5 with The East - evlkeith)

It’s the final of the FA cup of actors and I’m faced with reviewing this offering from the tournament favourite Émilie Dequenne with equal amounts of anticipation and trepidation. After her steadfast campaign through to the final of the World’s premier acting knockout competition, her ultimate success relies on what I think of this grubby looking little horror film. My hopes are not high, but maybe her impressive pedigree in the game will pull her through this final challenge.

It’s strangely likeable for a French horror film but no less predictable, with grotesque characters performing unspeakable horrors to passersby in the rural heartland of the country. Dequenne, however somehow manages to hold our interest with a smouldering, tobacco stained performance as the hapless road tripper Charlotte. She single-handedly turns the film from something I would have mercilessly fast forwarded into a positive experience holding your hand as you charge headlong through a nightmare world of fat women in chain mail, hell’s angels and miners. (Yes, that’s coal miners.)

The rest of the cast, action and plot seem to swirl around her classy performance in a somewhat shambolic fashion. After picking up a mysterious hitch hiker Charlotte ends up a captive in a dubious bar/café establishment which not only serves up croissants, coffee and onions to French rural folk, but also acts as a feeding station for a gang of mutant zombie coal miners who rise from the earth now and again for a bite to eat. 

Although the miners are heavily stylised and moderately ferocious they’re no way near a frightening as their South Yorkshire cousins who chased me around a local golf course as a teenager due to the ‘Did you shout fore?!’ incident. Needless to say it all ends in tears as bikers, fat woman, zombie miners and an attractive French actress all meet up for the shack based resolution rumble.    

It’s a cut above the other French horror films I’ve viewed due the dark humour, the atmosphere and Dequenne’s excellent performance. Ultimately it’s fun, a little gory and engaging stuff but lacks anything particularly memorable or especially scary, (and to be honest evlkeith’s original review was way more entertaining than the actual film!) And for that reason…I’m sorry Emily because you were great…I’m rating the film just a little better than average at 6/10. I just hope that’s enough but I know how highly evl rates Page so I'm not hopeful…
6/10
Doccortex

How close was that? It all came down to half a point. But Ellen Page is the winner of the FA Cup of Actors. We will have the crowning ceremony soon... - evlkeith

Review - Dark Water (2005 - Dir. Walter Salles)

Here's Jennifer Connelly's shot at gaining a place in the illustrious final of the FA Cup of Actors. I'm quite glad that this came up as it's something that I'd fancied seeing for a while. I saw the original version some time ago and thought that it was suitably creepy and generally okay. Let's see what I make of this American remake of Dark Water (or to give it its title in Yorkshire: Dark Watter).

Dahlia (Jennifer Connelly) is splitting up from her husband (Dougray Scott) and taking her little girl Ceci (Ariel Gade of Some Guy Who Kills People fame) with her to a new apartment. It's a shame that a dodgy estate agent (John C. Reilly) convinces her to rent an apartment in an entirely dubious location and it is run down in the extreme. It would be an understatement to say that damp is a problem. As things get worse for Dahlia, both in the flat and in her personal relationships, lawyer Jeff Platzer (Tim Roth) is on hand to advise.

This is one long slow burn of a film; think House of the Devil long burn. I quite like it for that alone. Not having any kind of attention disorder, I can cope with things gradually unfolding. Eventually slow burners need to reach a point where something great or shocking happens but like the aforementioned film, Dark Water doesn't get to that point.

The most potentially interesting relationship in the film is between Dahlia and her lawyer. Platzer's office is his car and he goes to the cinema on his own to see films like a real saddo. (You wouldn't catch me doing things like that. Not this week anyway. There's nothing on.) Yet he is a real professional and does a great job of sorting Dahlia's problems out. This was the most engaging thing for me but their relationship never gets resolved; Platzer just seems to drop out of the film in the final stages.

Jennifer Connelly does a good job of being a paranoid migraine sufferer. She doesn't quite go as deep as her role in Requiem for a Dream but you feel for her as her world falls apart. Her relationship with her daughter Ceci is also convincing. It doesn't harm things that she looks as though she could be Ariel Gade's real-life mother. 

The less said about Pete Postlethwaite's accent the better.

The question for a large portion of the film is whether the spooky goings on are supernatural or psychological. At one point in my life I'd have been desperate for the ghosts to charge out and slime everyone, but now I quite like the idea of it being more ambiguous, with clues littered throughout the film. I won't tell you which route Dark Water goes down.

I half enjoyed this film but be warned, it is very grim. To get a feel for Dark Water go and live in Hull for a month and experience the never-ending rain, the smell of drains and the overwhelming greyness. (I lived in Hull for a few years and loved it despite it's grimness. It's got a shopping centre that is vaguely reminiscent of the Millennium Falcon. What more could you want?) If the ending had been better, it probably would have bumped this up to a six or even seven. But as it stands Connelly just doesn't quite have the attacking power that Page possesses. So Ellen Page is through to the final.
5/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Dark Water (2002), The Ring.

Review - Peacock (2010 - Dir. Michael Lander)

Here we are at the semi-finals of the FA Cup of Actors then and our first match is between Ellen Page and Jennifer Connelly. Now, when Peacock came up for Ellen Page I thought that she'd blown it. I didn't fancy this in the slightest. I'm not that keen on Susan Sarandon and I haven't liked anything that Cillian Murphy has done, (either of the first two Batman films or "it's not a zombie film" 28 Days Later) he's way too slinky for my liking. Things aren't looking good for Pagey (a bit like when half of your players have the flu and the opposition forces you to change ends after the toss).

But crikey, (and maybe even blimy) it's actually not too bad. In fact, it's pretty good. And shock of shocks, Cillian Murphy's performance is great. Let's find out more...

For once I'm going to quote directly from IMDb to give you a little portion of background info: "A train accident in rural Nebraska gradually unveils a mystery involving the town's bank clerk." The reason why I've thieved this is because it gives away nothing, which is dandy. It's good to see that the person writing this knew that to say any more would be to spoil everything about the film.

The director describes this as psychological horror, which I would agree with. It's part drama, part mystery, part thriller and part horror. Fitting it into an existing genre is very difficult, which is generally a good thing; it shows the film-makers have tried something different. Another positive is that the ending is ambiguous leading to plenty of post-film chat.

Cillian Murphy is the major revelation of Peacock. This is a mightily impressive performance, without which the film wouldn't work, and at worst would become laughable. One scene in particular, where there is a certain amount of deception going on, borders on stunning. Changing my mind about someone is pretty hard going so well done Mr Murphy.

Ellen Page, meanwhile, is badly miscast. Her acting is up to her usual standard but I just can't see her as living in a trailer park, and selling her body for cans of Special Brew. Added to that, she doesn't look like a natural born smoker. I can see why they jumped at the chance of having Pagey in their film but for me it was a mistake. If she gets through this semi-final, she's pulled it off by bringing in the ringer Cillian Murphy who should have been in the running for an Oscar.

I've found it really hard to give this a rating. It's worth seeing for Murphy's performance alone (which I would give a 9/10). Overall though, I'm glad that I've seen Peacock but it's not a film that I would watch again, basically down to personal taste. If you like Psycho and Lars and the Real Girl then you will probably enjoy this. 
6/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Psycho, Lars and the Real Girl.

Review - The Violent Kind (2010 - Dir. The Butcher Brothers)

For the first half hour of the film you’re never quite sure what genre the film is heading for. It’s an unusual and pleasant feeling as we criss-cross from biker gang violence into spooky supernatural happenings and back again. In fact the first half of the film is a thoroughly enjoyable romp at the junction of gritty motorcycle gang street and spirit possession avenue. In fact I had little idea that this was anything less than a big budget production with some quality acting, with Cory Knauf and the tasty Taylor Cole the most noticeable.

Possibly the most notable feature of the film is the amount of punching in the face that takes place. It’s a veritable festival of bare knuckle fist fighting throughout in a semi-slapstick fashion that reminded me of a combination of Rocky, Bottom and The Sweeney. A heady cocktail if ever there was one. If you like seeing people, and sometimes demons, get punched in the face, then you’re in for a treat.

Sadly however, this is a game of two halves and just as the film reaches fever pitch everything goes pear shaped. After the half time jaffa-cakes it all looks cheap and amateurish, and not in a good way either. The actors drafted in are not a patch on the originals and you really want to put your head in your hands, with Pussywagon and Trixie straight out of pantoland. The plot changes from a decent horror story into a jazz hands infused, Clockwork Orange meets Grease parody of Rebel Without a Cause on steroids. In a capitulation not seen since Halifax Town visited Belle Vue in the early 90’s, the film snatches defeat from the jaws of victory in a big way.
(That was a bad, bad day - evlkeith)

The spooky and atmospheric ending is too little too late as I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth, and a feeling that I’d been cheated out of watching the actual second half of The Violent Kind. If you want to make a rubbish film then make a rubbish film, but don’t make half a good film then dash our hopes by drafting in the acting equivalent of Chico and the Cheeky Girls from the X-Factor halfway through. We were robbed!

7/10 for the first half, 0/10 for the second half.

0/10 overall for cheating us.
Doccortex

If you like this you could also try:
Doing something really great - like eating toast spread thickly with gorgeous Marmite - and then do something fairly horrible, drinking liquidized cat vomit, for instance.

Review - Not of This Earth (1957 - Dir. Roger Corman)

I haven't done very well trying to watch all of the films mentioned in F. Paul Wilson's 'Nightworld' but I'm going to try and rectify that in the coming months. So here we go with Roger Corman's Not of This Earth.

An alien agent from the planet Davana (sounds like a seventies variety act) comes down to Earth and cases the joint. He's after blood you see - aren't they always - and he uses his wily alien ways to kill unfortunates, nick their blood and performs his dastardly experiments. He enlists the help of a petty thief Jeremy and a nurse called Nadine (the saucy old devil). In fact, he pays the nurse to live in his house to "take care of him". 

I decided in true 'Nightworld' fashion to watch this at night and I'm glad that I did, much of the atmosphere would probably have been lost in a bright sunlit room. The film was made on an obviously shoestring budget but it still manages to impart a sense of dread. To turn Paul Birch into an alien, all the special effects fellows did was slap some white contacts into his eyes. Which you don't see for the majority of the film due to his Peters and Lee glasses. He is made even more alien by his Jedi mind tricks where he talks directly into people's minds. Again this is cheaply done by a bit of dubbing in post production. All simple things but, along with his performance it's pretty convincing stuff.

The music helps with the whole atmosphere thing. It is fairly typical of fifties sci-fi B-movies but it does the job very nicely. It all feels distinctly creepy and made me think that I was watching something that actually happened in 1956 and this was just a Crimewatch style reconstruction.

The story plods along in a standard kind of way. It's obvious where it's going from early on and I can't say that there's anything that memorable. Unless you count a doctor being attacked by an umbrella creature as memorable. Mmm, maybe. But the story does its job. 

As you may have guessed the special effects are poor, especially on the umbrella creature, but this also extends to the sets. One sliding door that features prominently doesn't so much slide as judder along a bit as it's pushed by some behind the scenes chain-smoking technician. It all adds to the charm, I suppose.

There was a remake of this made in 1988 as a result of a wager. Someone bet the director that he couldn't make it on the same budget (allowing for inflation) and in the same time frame as the original. This sounds quite interesting you may think, until you hear that the director was Jim Wynorski. Oh dear. On the positive side it starred ex adult specialist film starlet Traci Lords. Okay, it still sounds really bad.

Not of This Earth makes a change from the usual alien invasion stories we get nowadays. It's a lot simpler and a lot quieter experience. Yet it's surprisingly chilling at times. A good late Friday night film.
4/10
evlkeith

Review - Dead Space (1991 - Dir. Fred Gallo)

I'll tell you now: Marc Singer is out of the cup. Jennifer Connelly has got it sewn up and she only got 5/10 for The Hulk. Dead Space (nothing to do with the games) is a very poor film that homages to within an inch of its sad and sorry existence.

All it says on the IMDb summary is, "A deadly virus attacks the crew of a Saturn space station." Yep, that's about it. Oh as long as by 'virus' you actually mean 'alien'. And that is 'alien' in the sense of Alien and Aliens. The virus idea is virtually non-existent in the film; despite it being a mixture of every known disease, everyone quite happily walks around without hazmat suits or even face masks. In fact, their high level protection against this virulent virus is to "keep away" from it. So it's an alien then.

It thieves blatantly from the Alien franchise. But even then it does so in a tedious fashion. An android gets torn in half. Amazingly, it's not a patch on the shot from Aliens. It's so blatant that it nicks a complete line from the same film. As time goes on the alien, I mean virus, becomes quite large, a bit like the alien queen perhaps. But whereas the proper queen charges around scrapping with Ripley and chasing Newt through ducts in a manner befitting Scooby Doo, this virus quite spectacularly stands still for a bit. Well, for a while really. It's not the most mobile of creatures.

Marc Singer does nothing to liven up the proceedings; in general he wanders around aimlessly shooting. That about sums up his performance. At least he would have been able to buy himself a chip butty from his wage packet. As long as he cadged a quid off his mum.

Is this film recommendable to anyone? Maybe. There is one small subset of society that may benefit from watching this turgid piece of poop: blue spandex fetishists. Even then they could fast forward to a couple of scenes where some ladies get a bit frisky in said garments, and forget the rest. Even lovers of futuristic ear rings shouldn't bother; the best they can manage here are some curly telephone cables. Pathetic.

The only thing that Dead Space has going for it is the most prolonged bout of a creature being stabbed by a dart committed to celluloid and some waking up acting to rival Grandpa Walton. Avoid at all costs.
1/10
evlkeith

If you like this you could also try:
Blue Spandex Babes VI.