cNutgroist

"What do you want from England?" asked a friend who came to stay recently. "oh, that's easy, I really miss th...uh...hmm". Because you see, Canada has ample supplies of Marmite, Fish and Chips, British Beer and The Queen on the money. So what else is there I actually miss? Oh, loads, I think..

Twiglets: Wholemeal and yeast, dusted in milk powder and maltodextrin - like fossilised poos from the Marmite monster - I love them, miss them, will be writing to Jacobs in a feeble attempt to get them to send me some. These guys know what it's all about... http://www.awholelotofcrunch.com/

Whelks: Grey, seaside, rubbery rock-pool jewels doused in white pepper and vinegar. Tastes of childhood. Add winkles and potted shrimp and you have true, fishy love.

Immigration Officials: "British Passport? White? In you come, pal."

Good neighbours: If you get pissed off with your country, you can always move to France. The next nearest place to Canada that's worth living in is.... also France.

Paedophiles as the root of all evil: How I miss the British press and its loyal, evolved readership

People that look like me, sound like me, dress like me and like the same things as me but are, for some inexplicable reason, complete cunts and fuckers: And why do I miss that? This isn't a rhetorical question - literally, why the fuck do i miss that? I think.. actually... maybe I don't.
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