cNutgroist

From the BBC...

Wife put excrement in man's curry

Jill Martin pleaded guilty to culpable and reckless conduct

A disgruntled wife has admitted feeding her estranged husband a curry containing dog excrement after their relationship broke down.

Jill Martin, 47, pleaded guilty at Paisley Sheriff Court to culpable and reckless conduct against husband Donald Martin.

During the hearing, defence solicitor Terry Gallanagh likened the case to "an episode of Desperate Housewives".

Sheriff G.W.Sinclair deferred sentence on Martin until 1 November.

Depute Fiscal Margaret Dunnipace told the court that on 13 March, after placing the dinner in front of her husband Donald and watching him start to eat it, Martin had burst out laughing.

You can see in the photo above just how ashamed she is. I think we'd all like to see a picture of her husband, the man who ate a shit. No matter what else he's done in life, i'm afraid that's it for him. Reputation sealed. He could save the world from a nuclear holocaust, cure AIDS and become President of Earth but to me, and you, he'll always be known as "the man who ate a shit".

Jill, should you ever release a cookbook, here's my contribution:

2 Eggplants
Big handful of Okra
Fresh Coconut
Fresh Dogshit
Dried Dogshit
Onion
Garlic
Ginger
Green Chili
Fresh Tomato
Ghee
Cumin
Curry Powder
Fenugreek seeds

Slice onion, garlic, ginger and chili thinly and fry with the fenugreek seeds in sunflower oil til soft and turning brown. Cut the tops off the okra and slice the eggplant into small cubes, then add to the pan.

In a separate pan, dry-fry the coconut, having carefully separated it from the shell . When it starts to smoke, remove it from the pan and grate into thick shreds. Now add cumin seeds to the pan and do the same. Remove before they burn and grind in a pestle and mortar to a rough consistency. Turn the heat up on the pan and add a big lump of ghee. As soon as it starts to bubble, add the fresh dogshit and turn regularly to sear, thus sealing in the juices and keeping it from turning to mush.

When the vegetables soften sufficiently, transfer the fresh dogshit into the pan. Break it up into lumps first. I prefer bite-size but don't copy me. You know how you like them. When the shit has started to take on a golden brown (for this reason, I recommend not using Retriever, Setter or Lab turds as they are naturally this colour - and besides, they are too nutty for this dish anyway), add the freshly ground cumin and an equivalent quantity of curry powder. The flavours should really start to take off at this point, so it's best to dip a finger in and taste before adding salt. When things start to dry up, add the fresh tomato. Again, I prefer it whizzed into frothy oblivion before introducing it to the curry. You may prefer it chopped roughly or mushed up first. Whatever way you like it, remember to remove the bitter stalk at the top of the pith first or it will ruin the taste of the curry.

5 minutes before serving, add the flaked toasted coconut and the dried dogshit onto the surface of the curry. I suggest a freeze-dried, vacuum packed turd from your local deli, though if you're in a hurry a common-or-garden-or-pavement air-dried turd will do. Avoid fur, which is a sign of early fermentation. If you can get it, Old White Crumbly is the white truffle of dogshits.

Serve with basmati rice or nan. A strong, fruity, young Alsatian wine would go with this, rather fittingly, or maybe a glass of fresh fizzy cat's piss if you don't drink alcohol.
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