last beat,

aku quit, bukan sebab aku dah hilang minat.
itu, satu-satunya passion yang tak pernah mati dari mula-mula cuba, sampai sekarang.
aku berhenti, sebab utamanya aku tak mampu bahagi waktu sama adil sama rata.
jadi final year student, bukan senang.
lebih-lebih lagi aku, gelut.
sebab-sebab remeh macam tawar hati seperti yang lain,
tolak tepi. nak layan tawar hati, terasa-terasa, patut lama dah aku berhenti.
mana ada benda mudah.
aku menulis blog ni pun pernah dipertikaikan.

dan aku tinggalkan pentas (untuk satu semester ini,)
(semoga nanti aku akan dapat naik pentas lagi. atau pun sekadar dalam studio latihan pun tak apa)
dengan ini,

"its not the costume you wear, or the make up you put on, or the stage you are about to step on, or the beat you would dance for. its about the soul you carry along with you. and everything shall be nothing to be compared to"

ada rezeki, aku belajar koreografi pula.
:)

nota kecil,

nota kecil untuk awak, ada dalam buku nota.

untuk hari saya tiada di depan mata,
di sebelah, atau di mana awak menginginkan,
saya tinggalkan baris-baris kata untuk awak.

=)

15th of 22nd

we begin with the first thing. first of all, today is 22nd december.
in another 2 months, it would be my 23rd birthday. yeay for that.
getting older and should be smarter.

the best coincidence of the date is that, today is when the result is coming out.
(i'll tell more details on it downwards)
another coincidence of it that, today is also 15 Muharram.
a mixed event on one day.
and oh yes, a baby was born today.
a baby boy. congratulations angah shafiza, and from now on,
i have someone who would call me "makcik".
make it sounds better, cik reen. stands for makcik reen. -_-"

aaa yes, the results.
to tell you the truth, i expect of failing one of 4 papers i sit for.
i woke up as early as 8.30 am.
i insisted to took a shower first,
i switched on my laptop and was 1st checking on updates on facebook, and
logging on to unimap's portal.
after several trials, i get passed through.
tadaaa~ the result was unexpected.
i felt like crying, screaming, jumping, laughing.
all at once.
and the very first thing i did was texting both ummi and abah.
for the very first time, i score above 3.0 for my cgp.
its like winning a grammy award trophy.
its like the whole world belongs to me.
its my very first time out of 7 semesters.
minus 1, the one with internship. left out 6 semesters.
i didn't want to spread it out.
and i was expecting for the best for the rest.

sadly, through out the day, not everyone did as well as they expected.
some do have flying colours result, and some didn't.
still, i am grateful enough. i knew i work pretty hard for previous semester.
with internal conflict and all kind of stuff.
not to include lack of time to sleep cause of some project, mini project, assignments,
tests, dancing trainings.

and by the end of the day, i have this one particular question that keep coming in and out.
of course, with NO answer at all.

so while having dinner, i texted someone i knew that she's also in her own hiatus world.
i just have to. i asked her,

"kakak, what's the point of being happy when you have no one to share it with you?"

and she replied me,

"what's the point of being dead with nothing to remember of?"

i was left with numerous of questions. and i think i have a point of view. so i texted her again,

"should i say, this is about living life and sometimes its just time of living it alone? to learn how to actually living life."

she replied me,

"better live a sucky life than dead. share it with none but you. then, you'll see more coming. May not be the one you want tho"

i breathe in hard with such a completely mixed feeling.
as i exhaled, i realized that,
perhaps, i couldn't make things becomes too perfect.
where the concepts of sharing is caring and all that was not really applicable to daily basis life.

i went back.
cried hard and letting of all things out through the tears. wrote this down.
(so that i would never forget this day ever.)
and start to think about rewarding myself like suggested by a friend of mine.


come to think about it again,
i think, its ummi and abah are one should be rewarded.
that includes the three musketeers at home too.

life, is about living the unexpected, not over-expected.
toodles~

kokping,

tak boleh kata apa.
puas hati.
:) penantian dari banjir, sampai banjir surut,
sistem aturan barangan yang dipos ke kolej.
akhirnya, sampai ke tangan.



ini, mei tahun lepas.


ini, disember 2008.
selepas setahun jadi stalker tetap.
heh. sorry, i memang obses sama kak fynn.

kadang-kadang pelik macam mana boleh sayang sama dia.
tapi bila fikir-fikir, Tuhan kasi aku perasaan yang macam tu,
ada baiknya.
dan dia, semoga awak terus maju.
sebab belakang awak, paling tidak,
ada saya. :)

batu

lihatkan aku seperti melihat batu-batuan
keras
pejal
seperti mana beratus tahun dibiar sampai jadi keras
seperti itu juga
biar

sampai nanti suatu saat
bisa dibaling
sampai berderai
debu dan serpih
hilang
larut
bersama jisim yang
tidak pernah
disedari

of life,

the thing is, you don't have manual in life.
to do this and not to do that.
and life is never perfect.

you met different people,
you have relationship with them.
call it, friendship, love or whatever.

you screw it up.
you let each other drown into frustration,
you hurt them,
you say sorry, and you learn from it.

the best part of it,
you may keep repeating the same mistake you made before.
again, and again.
until one day,
its either you lose it.
or, you gain another.

but still, i believe in friendship could last for life.
the thing is, while i'm still alive,
i am not confirm, which one of you,
i could rely on in any situation.

of life, destiny, love, friendship and family.

looking back and forward,
there are only plenty time left.
before i finish my study and graduate.
time does fly faster than we thought it would, ey?

as much as i thought i had my life wasted on track.
there are at least something i've learned.
of friendship and love.
and most important thing, learned about life and destiny.

and wise man said,
the experiences you face through out in you life is the best teacher you would have.
enough said.
there were days i would feel like ending up life caused of frustration,
(and there was a little depression, too)
and there were also days i would say, the best among them.

and life treats you fair enough.
fair enough that He never leave you all alone at all.
and that we should never forget that,
whenever we were in the best,
or even worst situation,
He will always be there.
it takes us only at least, 5 times to "pick up the phone and give Him a call."
daily.
which sometimes, i must admit,
i take it for granted.
and still, trying my best to be better.

i've come from a phase,
where i could care less on relationship of Him and i,
and i've met these people who are now are those whom i would be grateful to call them friends,
and family.
and i must not say that i am better now.
i am still, learning and trying.

and i believe, i should keep this post.
and someday, when life treats me bad,
and i am being drag to the lowest point,
i would go through this post,
and realize that,
life is treating us fair enough.
to let us be the happiest person in one day,
and the most miserable person, in some others.