a (almost) twenty five-year-old is in dilemma
Posted by al on Tuesday, May 26, 2015.
The problem with me is too difficult in making decisions. Usually, I just ask my mother but now I gotta make my own decisions. Damn adulthood. I have been living in dilemmas all my life but it was easier making decisions with her. Her NOs were my YESes, and vice versa. She said No when I wanted to take driving classes, No when I got the offer to matriculation, No to UNIMAS and No to further my master study and again back to UNIMAS. But look at that, I did it anyway and yet she was my greatest supporter of all!
Now I supposed I'll be graduated since I have submitted my dissertation, I have signed the graduation form and was confirmed by lecturers and Graduate School, so supposedly now I'm literally fresh graduate (still hot from the oven), only to wait the convocation day (which is on November) to get the scroll, transcripts, etc. *hashtag team menganggur*.
I do envy most of my friends already got their lives together, knew what to do with their lives, meanwhile I still ask money from father (and I'm not even feeling guilty or ashamed with this - yes something wrong with me, WHY I don't know - family not loaded either). But for a few weeks now I did some job-hunting (is that what they called it?) from the internet and deposited my resumay *imagine pronunciation* to like four posts already.
So, back to my current greatest dilemma. My supervisor (who is known to have received plenty of grants because of his study of interest is quite high in demand or useful or whatever - I think), offered me to continue my research project in PhD (with a very cheerful and excited face). This offer made me having mixed feelings, first, my thought was like 'wow why? I mean why me?' 'why do you trust me that much?' because as long as I'm concerned I didn't even showed my interest in that field, hell, I'm not like those enthusiastic students out there, or simply I'm not an academic people (and yet I did my master study - amazed at myself why just why I don't know).
Secondly, even I did survived the years of master study, is not looking forward to another years of stuDYING - I want to have a job, I am 25 now not supposed to get money from father, I should give him my money. Then, my supervisor said with a little disappointed tone "if one day you want to continue this study just tell me". This offer was in March.
And a few weeks ago, I met him again to signed this and that forms for the dissertation etc., he asked me what will I be doing after this. So, I told him I want to find a job etc. Asked me if I will come to Sarawak again I said maybe in July if my friends still need an assistant in the fieldwork for their research I might return. Then he said he might received another grant if God's Willing, and asked if I want to be his research officer. *In my head, again? why? why you trust me?* Then I answered vaguely yes or no. *In my head, this is an opportunity, this is a job - UNIMAS lagi - but work in the lab (I enjoy field works) - I don't like going to his lab the students there mostly are arrogant people I detest them*
oh I'm lost where I'm going with this cerita. But, here goes my dilemmas.
Sorry (you who isn't reading this, you just saved your time, don't procrastinate)
May 27, 2015 at 8:00 AM
i'll be joining the club soon, all the best out there!
June 17, 2015 at 1:28 PM
I will come back use the hashtag in a month.. Like freaking a month but I can't wait for that.. It's hard, you know that... I've been posting my resume since may, but to my dismay, only two feedback received.