IN SCHOOL WAITING FOR MY ARCHERY TO START. STILL HAVE 1 and 1/2 hours to GO!
sianz... sigh.. she today sent me a sms says that her mum scolded her and ask her to behave herself. sigh. den now.. ended that i cant sms her le, and wad i can do now is to wait for her to sms me which means that the situation has cooled down.. but i think that, everythings isnt going to end that fast.. sigh. me one day not smsing her, my heart really feel like stopping at times. how i wish i can travel to the past and the future. and if i were to have a wish, its to have no feelings. sigh. i admit that although i do not know her long enough, but i still have the feelings for her. sigh. i know maybe i am not a very gd person, thats why everytime i really want to have a serious relationship, God would not it have in my way. sigh. i am feeling so miserable. when i receive the sms, i really felt like crying. sigh. though i stoned on my bed for that few mins, i still cant accept the fact that i cant sms her anymore le.. argh! to me is so heartbreaking to read a sms. sigh. throughout yesterday night, i did not sleep well. although i lie on my bed at 12 plus, but i did not really sleep for even 30 mins. sigh. every few mins, i would just take my fone under my pillow and look at it, still no response. i know she is asleep, but i was so hoping that a miracle will happen, that she wakes up in a middle of the night to reply me. sigh.. but in the end nth. although until 7am, i still did not sleep, and when i just about to switch on my laptop, she smsed me. sigh. to tell me not to sms her le. sigh, God, why must you torture me in this way when you know that i have been waiting for her sms and yet the sms i get in return is a most discouraging one? sigh. i just hope i can get her sms real soon.

every min of waiting makes my heart stop for awhile. i wonder when den my heart will stop for good and i will also leave this world for good. maybe we are fated not to be together. sigh. but i know this time my feelings for you is real. sigh. forget it le. everything to me now is just an illusion. wad i can do to console myself is to kept telling lies to myself. i guess this is the only way for the best solution to solve everything. sigh.

Labels: the higher i fall., the higher my hopes

sigh, things dun turn gd to me. esp when it comes to relationship. sigh. now. i really like this girl. but. she seems like. avoiding me. i dunno. i just hope not. sigh. i just want her to be the happiest girl, and not because of her past, that disallows her to have another guy who will treat her gd. i agree that i am not gd wif my words, but i really hope now that she wont sees me like her any other ex. i just wan to be different from all your ex. although i cant make and promises to you, but i am sure that i will make you the happiest girl. i wont neglect you and be by your side. sigh. for me to be alone, i really felt like dying. but upon thinking of wad has happened in the past, i chose not to think about that again. maybe all is fated. let me suffer for the process, and not to die without suffered from it. i guess. i really have to change myself. for the better. i know no matter wad i do, u still wont like me de. but, i am still clinging onto the small tiny hope that i wish you would suddenly turn back. how i wish u were the one. or, maybe i shld just leave this world, and end all sufferings, at least, ppl around me will forget me and forget wad i have caused them to make them angry about me or wadsoever. sigh. i really like you alot. i admit i do not like someone as much as you, and i wont let time come between us. because to me, its the feeling that matters for the both of us. i guess i shall end it here. anyone reading this. i hope this post is just a passer-by to you and wont affect you so much. because, there is so much things in my mind, and too much are left unsaid. and i am too sad to continue to blog le. i came to blog just awhile cause my heart cant stand any longer. i am so afraid that i will have a heart attack soon. sigh. maybe it shld happen to me and all ends it well at here. all these are just 1% of wad i am trying to say....



miracles wont happen again. it wont. sigh. i just wan to sleep and nvr to wake up again. to die peacefully. sigh.

Labels: Maybe i shld be left alone

hmm, its been so long since i come in and write any post le. haha. actually is i really very lazy to write and type so my blog kindof turning rusty. or i should put it in this way: my blog has rusted already. lol. haha. and i decided at least i would blog once per week. lol. haha. now is already 1.45am, and yet you know wad? i have to wake up at 7am, tutorials starts at 8am and my sch will end at 5pm. haha. by the time i write finish, it would have been already 2am le. haha. and i just hope that i will quickly take all my exams finish and then my vacation will start on my birthday!! hahax. dun worry la, i will invite those who been wif me in my sec sch years. you guys really impact me alot, although we are like. the best of best friends. esp my clique in sec sch. i really enjoyed my days in sec sch. sometimes i really wish that we all will still be studying together. the time we spent in class and all the laughter, jokes, teasing about some of them of their parents name, when it comes to thinking of it, time really flew damn fast. yea, so, we all must really make use of the time we have now and spent wisely. because, time wont wait for us, and when it is passed, it is passed. it wont come back again. and what we are left are just all memories. although we do quarell sometimes in sec sch very badly, but i feel that in the end, everyone would still come back together and concerning about each other's life in the tertiary education. how i wish someone would invent a machine and we can go back to the time as and when as we like. haha. there is so much things to say, and i think i shall end it here. take care! may you have a better day ahead of you :)



sometimes things are not meant to be said, they are meant to be shown to prove things.



somethings are worth remininscing. i would certainly wont forget anyone that is with me in dunman NORMAL ACADEMIC. its not just my class. it also applies to the 2 other class also. i believe that every teacher and even the principal, will still rmb us after so long. and in future, they still will.

keep comments to yourself.
if you dun like my character, its up to you.
thats me.
i hate ppl most whom ALWAYS break promises when wants to go out with people, giving all kinds of excuses.
JUST GET OFF FROM MY SIGHT AND if you really dun like me as a friend, den i would greatly appreciate that can you stop coming to my blog and see what i post.
what i post is for myself to see and those who were willingly to visit my blog and read just to know me more.
ARGH!...its so HEARTBREAKING!!!!!!!!!
sigh....she doesnt know that i have a blog, and she doesnt know my feelings now.right now,i am just feeling very sad,its kindof even more sad that that period of time that i like mh.sigh..on the surface,she may thinks that i am alright with it, but i just dunwan her because of me feeling sad after she had the courage to tell me the real thing.SIGH.maybe its fate.all is predestined.and i really have nothing to say.i am starting to lose my friends one by one,and now i even lose the person whom i really lvoe the most.SIGH.dunno when den i will lose myself from this earth.SIGH.really dunwan to repeat history anymore.but temptations keep coming into my mind.and its very hard to cast those thoughts aside.

no one knows what i am feeling right now.only you the person who is reading this right now will know wad i feel.SIGH.but i beg you that if you read le,please dun tell anyone about it.SIGH.its best that you keep it to yourself, and let this pass by you.SIGH.what if.i really repeating the history?SIGH.but it has caused such a big happening to those people around me.SIGH.i am not as fortunate as my friends.they have their own girlfriend/boyfriend.and i am the only one who is lonely.SIGH.no words can describe how i feeling now.SAD.HEARTBREAKING.EMO.SUICIDAL.

these words made me feel like i am starting to escalating in my mood.SIGH.its getting worse now.no medicine can cure me.even time cant heal the wound that is too deep for anyone to think.SIGH.the misery is just so empty.



U GONNA MISS ME WHEN I AM GONEEEEE...........WHEN I AM GONEEEEEE........WHEN I SAY GOODBYE,GONNA LEAVE A HOLE BEHIND ME.....I GUESS ITS UP TO YOU....ITS WONT COME BACK TO THE PAST WHEN IT USED TO BE.....
now its o level period...and yet i am coming back to blog...because...recently...some things just happen to me...
i am back to an emo person...its like...sigh... i feel very depressed...its totally the same feeling of what i felt at *that period of time*...sigh...but i promise alot ppl tt i wont repeat the history...although the thought keeping coming into my mind..and i tried all ways to cast that thought away. and yet...its still holding on to me..sigh..
when alot of ppl told me that she had went back together as couple...i didnt quite believe it...but..when i ask her best friend...she told me its true..and at the moment of time..my heart shattered in bits and pieces, and it cant be fixed back by anything or what soever..i just..cried that night.i cant take it la. no one knows.but i know its o level period.i shoulnt think of such things now. but i just cant. whenever i am nt doing anything,that thought would just come back every minute and every seconds. especially when tt night,once i started to lie on the bed, i cant shake that thought off. it has become a scar in me. and i know no matter wad...even how hard i change myself, to be a better person, no one will still take notice me..i tried all ways to change myself. but i feel that ppl just..think tt i am juz another normal person. although i told her clearly tt i wan to be friends wif her now.its true.. but she just wont give both of us a chance. i know i have many bad points, and not a single good point, thats why maybe this is the main reason which i am still single, and did not have and girlfriends before.all my friends went throught it.they were able to have requited love. but i am only the odd one out.which everytime the love i gave would be a unrequited one. i just feel so desolated and dejected. even i think 'EMO" this word cant even describe me fully...
i just cant accept the fact..the blow to me is too big..and the truth is too harsh..but..its reality.maybe i am really a one loser guy on earth.i seriously think that i would remain a bachelor forever in my life.maybe thats God that wants me to live in this kind of way.
but i really not contented of the way i am living my life. i just feel like. forget it..i just dun wanna sae...its just too sensitive.**sigh**


I never felt nothing in the world like this beforeNow I'm missing you& I'm wishing that you would come back through my doorWhy did you have to go? You could have let me knowSo now I'm all alone,Girl you could have stayedbut you wouldn't give me a chanceWith you not around it's a little bit more then I can standAnd all my tears they keep running down my faceWhy did you turn away?


So baby I will wait for youCause I don't know what else I can doDon't tell me I ran out of timeIf it takes the rest of my life


Baby I will wait for youIf you think I'm fine it just ain't trueI really need you in my lifeNo matter what I have to do I'll wait for you


It's been a long time since you called me(How could you forget about me)You got me feeling crazy (crazy)How can you walk away,Everything stays the sameI just can't do it babyWhat will it take to make you come backGirl I told you what it is & it just ain't like thatWhy can't you look at me, your still in love with meDon't leave me crying.


Baby why can't we just start over againGet it back to the way it wasIf you give me a chance I can love you rightBut your telling me it wont be enough


Baby I will wait for youBaby I will wait for youIf it's the last thing I do
wah...so long didnt come in and write le..hais...really busy wif so many things..school work espescially....hais....most of the times i reach home..i use the com will only know how to open the dota program..hais..i really felt that i was so lazy because i really didnt want to type..but since today today i cant even find a game to play...hais...den i decided to come in and write a long one..hais...i really dunno i have hais for how many times..but sometimes i really think that i hais is because i am sad?hais...but no one will know de la..its better for everyone..so people wont have to worry me...then i also wont cause and troubles to people around me..hais..but come to think of it..actually i wanted to sae sorry to 3 WOMEN in my life.coz they matters to me alot.yah.basically these 3 are mh kel and miss yew.hais..i think the 3 of them since that incident,they have changed the impression of me.coz of wad i have done,i have lost their trust and confidence in me.maybe i should nt done it.hais.but wad is done is done.but i really wan to sae sorry to them.even tough they may know or may not know how much they matter to me,but they are the girls which i think tt really will change my heart if they spoke to me..because the 3 are nt my gd friends.to me they are best friends.hais..i know although sometimes miss yew online...but she like nvr talk to me in msn le..hais..but nvm..at least she would give me some english assessment to do.i really feel touched that night when she went down to help me to select the question for me.looks like i really cant dissappoint her...i muz get an A1 for my english.i aim for it and i believe the end result i get would determines how much i have put in the effort or rather to put in another way...how much my friends and teachers have helped me.hais..then now to kelly,i know u muz know that that time during the incident..someone or who which i dunno,muz have told you how much i hate you...but actually.i regretted.yahz..i should nt blame you as you are my really really gd friend.i felt blessed.yahz.sorry for the words that hurt you..hais....den now..lastly mh..know why i say her last?its not because the best is save for the last,is because i know that if she sees this and see that why i sae her first..she might think.....yahz...i needn't spell it out.at least this would make her feed better...i know she is feeluing very very depressed..despite need to put a happy face to let ppl see..because she is a cl?hahax..but i really think she is nt as happy as b4..because of the thigns that happen to her...plus me everytime irritate her wif my sms...30 over smses per day...hais...i have decided le..yahz..i wouldn't sms you so many le..i have limted myself a maximum of 5 sms for you everyday..if there is a need..hais..if you happen to see this post..yahz..there's something that i really wan to tell you.."i know you are unhappy sometimes about the way you living or wad...and i know that sms i sent you have hurt you alot..i know you will know which sms i meant..i know that you really wan to care for me as a friend...but do you know that its very hard for me to accept you as a friend.its not i dun wan...its i cant..i been keep having the feelings for you which its really cant be explained...i know i want to called it love..but those who read this would nt agree..because i am still young...hais..nvm..juz wan to tell you that you MUZ live a life for yourself.yah..and take care of yourself..although i will nt send those sms to care for you..but in my heart i will still care for you..if you gt anything you can just sms..i am willing to lend you my ears and shoulders for 24/7..i know that its really impossible for you to like me..hais..nvm..but you will be in my deepest memory forever.." haha....this 3 person have really sort of impacted me since that incident...because i can see how they would react...i know my relationship wif them is nt like the past..because of wad i did have encrypted a scar in them.hais...THEN now...haha..guys..i have 4 best friend in my life..because they really go through wif me alot of times..i will nvr forget them..yah..because i am a guy who really treats my friends very well...haha=.= they would be ben alvan elvis jerome..lolx..i go by register number..because this does nt show any rank in among the 4 of you..AND THE & OF YOU ARE THE 1ST IN MY LIFE..(UNRANKED)...hahax...shall start wif ben..ben..i know that our friendship were not that close anymore..its also since that incident..hais..i really enjoy the times with you riding and going out...shopping..pool..movies...still miss the time where kel me and ben would watch movie together..haha..its been quite alot of times during a period of time..hahax...he is really a nice person to mix with..hahax..no regrets.he is also very happy go lucky...hahax..may our relationship would be better den last time.. :)den now...to alvan..hmm..i really sorry for wad i did..i know that incident i had threaten to fight wif you..but..that time i was really very angry and sad over something le..plus..do you know everytime you wif mh..i dun feel good?because my best friend between the girl i like...hais..but i chose nt to say it out to you all because i know u all would sae i think too much...hais..alvan..i really wan to sae sorry for wad i did..and you are really a true friend indeed,i have nt regretted being chose you to be my friend..hais...hahax...elvis PRESLEY..lolx...although sometimes i call you presley or yeo..but i really think that you are also a person who would lend your ears to other people and you are really a gd friend to me..i enjoy with you the times we spent together...sometimes wif you alvan and jerome...we 4 would play basketball together...and i can also see you also treat relationship very serious and impt..haha..i wont regret being your friend..altough we didnt go out tt much..but you have sort of impacted me too...by your anger adn character...nice guy to be with..haha..and lastly..jerome...haha...i know that now we having cold war..hais..but i know that since primary school...we had seen each other..thats why u had gave me a deep impression..i really sorry for wad i did...i still would rmb the times we walk home together and to talk at the staircase under your block...and the problems that the both of us shared..you are a true friend indeed..trustworthy...haha...NOW..i shall give a overall impression of the 7 of them..they are trustworthy nice helpful caring loyal and enthusiastic...yahz...i am really glad that i have this 7 person in my life.

sometimes things i really wan to let it go..i know that once i let it go.it would never come back AGAIN.i am so scared and afraid..but at the same time..its really hard for me to let it go...wad can i do...its really my choices..i have to make a decision fast..i know once i let it go..many would rejoice and be happy..because i know...esp mh..she is so sad and stressed over me by wad i did..still have to ask cheng to help her to reply me..i know she doesnt wan to talk to me or see me...thats why i have already choose not to sms her so often...now i think i starting not to sms her day by day...and me by not going church..so that she would not be able to see me..she can focus on serving God more...and also people wont sae that i go to church because of her..then she would feel better..i know i have cause her so much troubles..i am really sorry for wad i did..maybe letting it go is really your wishes?but i had nvr had such feelings and would not go to such extent for a girl like you..i know ppl may sae that i am stupid and stubborn..but i know that as long as you are happy..it doesn't mean anything if how much i did..i know that no matter wad i wan to sae...u would nt know it...coz all is deep inside me...i have too much to sae...i start to get tired after typing for so long...but you are the only one that can change and influence me very much..wif you..i believe that i have change to a better person since my pri sch character...its like 2 diff sides..i be happy for you as long as you are happy..it doesn't matters to me if i am injured or sad..i dun mind sacrificing everything juz to make you be a happy person..as for now...i can only be your guardian angel..where i can only see you be happy..but i really wan to exp your woes..hais..nvm..i know its impossible...so its useless for me to sae anything...

i be back to post once i have time and energy..see ya:)
Wow! year 2006 has already been a past to everyone...i really didnt expect time to fly so fast...not even a blink of an eye...but...am i a past to everyone too?hmm...i really dunno wad to have for my new year resolution...but i really can see the growth of yhope dunman in this harvest...i believe i can do it...and i shall fear no rejections... hmm...although i face rejections is equal to the amount of time i sigh...hais... its really more than wad i could never expect...from her...from friends and also from people that i evax... but...wad i really learn from the camp is that i muz really stand firm in my decision and everything.. and so that i ask everything in his name and i would be given.. i really want to grow more spiritually... and also mentally.. and.. this year is really a crucial year for me... so many of my friends has already taken their O level subjects.. and they were all rejoicing now...although they still haven get their results.. but i really believe them that they will get goo results and eventually will also use their glorify God.. i believe in breakthrough... because of breakthrough 1000! i really can believe it man! this breakthrough 1000 really impacted my life a lot and this has also made me want to grow more in christ-likeness and also to fufill the great commission that God has given us... i believe everyone can do it... hmm... these few days i really very sad bah...except for yesterday...because she got online... then i send her songs as well as help her do her blogskin...although it is my first time doing it for anyone..but i actally succeed.. because i really rely on God and trusted God that everything i do and everything that i believe... will She? i dunno... its her decision and i really hope she can really sae yes one day.. i know in secondary school life..she will not make a decision...but can I really last long for her? sometimes i see her...i really dunno wad to sae...because i dun fully understand her yet..and i really wan to care for her and everything...although i know she of alot of problems but she dun wan to tell me...i also cant do anything...and i really respect her... wad i promise her i will never break it..NEVER!! i believe if she really want to tell me...she will tell me by herself..right? i just have to slowly gain her trust and really hope that she can really feel that i realy care for her..really concern her alot..sometimes i just think i am not that good enough for her...just to care for her all these...because.. i really think wad i did is wad a normal friend would do...i really hope she would one day come and accept me...i tell you...if that day really comes...i really really dunno how to handle and react to it...i believe that the day WILL come...is just a matter of time... i really hope that i can really pass this year well and get really good result...as well as some of my friends can come and know christ and cross the line of faith.. sometimes i also think that i am too good for her..maybe she really need some time to be quiet from my sms...because wad i did for her...i would never harm her...and my shoulders are 24/7 ready for her to lean on...its just that whether she wants anot...but i think she would rather go to her shepherd or her sheepmate...but i believe she will also grow alot in all her problems... sometimes i just easy for me to know...but i chose to respecther decision and her trust...i feel so happy when she trusted me.. i believe...really...i really have to increase my faith a thousand times...i believe God will help me...as well as my caregroup members too...they are a bunch of people whom i really loves hanging out with...this eyar 2007...ED1 shall not be stagnant and shall break 50 and hit unit size... because once you believe it...it will surely come to past..hais...but today i just cant take it la...hais..she never reply my smses...but i believe that she is busy..thats why...and not that she is trying to avoid me...hmm...i shall end here bah...maybe laer at night or tmr then i blog again...hmm... alot f homework and test are coming on the way.. all charging towards me.. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hais.. never mind la.. GET USED TO IT CAN LE.
WHOA!!!its really so long that i didnt blog le...hais...i really want to sae alot of things...firstly...school is starting soon and i really haven start revising my work...haven study for my amaths test and as well as finish my homework...yah...den the worst thing is...school books haven buy lahs...hais...den during 26 dec to 28 dec...my whole day was like?i really not used to it...i really can sense my xin ku...hais..but no one will knows..i know God knows how i am feeling at that moment of time..but i really feel like i really dun exist in the world liao?hais...but at least...for the better...i managed to sms on the 28 dec..but not all the sms was replied back la...hais...i also feel very sad and disappointed...but can i?i still have to smile in front of others to show that i am really fine?then friday..its was brother night...ya...initially nigel came my home...den after i bath and everything le...we den go eat prata...haha...den we wanted go 7-eleven go buy alcholic drink but 3am to 6 am cant buy...but before tht we sort of disturb jol under her hse la...hahax..think she is frustrated lo...hahax...den we walked from my school the side gate there the 7-eleven to rc...den the time was around 4 plus...den i had to sleep..if not the service i would sleep..some more i got mm and need to reach nexus at 9.30...but i woke up at 9.06..den i knew i was late la..den i told jiayi i would reach at 10am..den i rush home to bath...den after that i go fr nexus...but i reach there at 10.40am...haiz....she was very angry la...because friday the mm retreat i didnt go..but se mentioned that thosepeople that was going were all late..den somemore mm practise everyone was late la...hais..i think we really need a breakthrough in our punctuality....den i did lyrics,hostings and sermon for both the services lo...hahax..yah...tough is quite tiring lo...but i manage to make juz a few mistake...fr both services..thnk got less den 10 bahz...ya...just started lyrics nt long ago...but i really want to perfect it...den after i am good in media already..i would then move on to lights...den sound...hahax...its still a long way for me..but everything as just started only... hmm...i really want to become a team leader la...although i know its not easy...but i really want to become one..to serve and lead the ppl in the ministry for God to greater heights.....den after service...go le meridien and eat..den after that we had to go for the harvestor celebration at 8pm..yahz..and i am eally glad that we had breakthrough 1000! it has already come to past.amen!..hmm.. i am also amazed that the northeast...or northwest got 56 converts...siao la..hahax...but at least for God..hmm..den after the celebration...we all went home...ya..den on the train...supposingly nigel sae tt we had order tao huey from jol and yy...den we two go home first..den after tt i wait for his call den we go out together lo..bu i reach home le..bath le den i go sleep le...hais...den i think jol and nigel call me like 10 over times lo...hais...i really sorry yy and jol...cause you two had to come all the way here at my hse void deck to give me the food and yet the food is still not delivered yet....hais...really feel very guilty leh...but at least to me they were very good sisters to me...thank God for placing them into my life...den i wake up....hahax...and i am now here blogging lo......and en after that at 2pm still have to work...den cynthia working at 6pm...huijuan and liling work at 7pm...hahax...but we be working at esplanade la...haha...think i am able to see so many yhope there..because my cg ppl are going wif the ed2 and ed3 guys...den i hink more is still going...hahax...i think there will be more to come...den think my friend celebrating birthday also at marina bay..den they be counting down at esplanade la...think so..nt sure..hais...she really didnt know how xinku i am now...at least my only hope is that we could retur to the time where we could sms each other,,,yahz...but now...is like she didnt reply all m sms and were juz giving me 1 reply per day la..you know howit is so pathetic?i really felt like crying everytime...but....do i have a choice...?i cant..my only way is that i could only tell God and cry out to God..but yet i still cant do anything about it...the thing is not simple...its imply just too compicated...hais...i really like the song...right here waiting for you...i really start to believe more in this song...hais...God..i really want to go back to the times where i can sms and smile at the same time.hais...i am really discouraged and down now..please help me God..if i were to make my whole life to be very happy...i really dont mind living on earth shorter life...because to me..i think its worth it la..hais...you are too good to be true...i be there for you no matter what happens...but when then the time can come?WHEN??hais......
A Story That I Had Seen and Read....Its Just Too Sad To Be True....


Then one day things went terribly wrong. The next few weeks were like a very sad song. He made her jealous on purpose he tried. When the girl asked, "Do you love her?" on purpose he lied. He played with jealousy like it was a game. Little did he know Things would never be the same. His plan was working but he had no clue. How wrong things would go, the damage he would do. One night she broke down, feeling very alone. Just her and the blade, no one else home. She dialed his number, he answered, "Hello" She told him she loved him and hung up the phone. He raced to her house just a minute too late. Found her lying in blood, her heart had no rate. Beside her was a note, in it her confession. Her love for this boy, her only obsession. As he read the note, he knelt down and cried. Grabbed her knife, that night they both died. She was found in his arms, both of them dead. Under her note his handwriting said: "I loved her so, she never knew. All this time I loved her too."
whoa..really a long time i never come in and blog liao..since i am waiting to MEET her..hais...den i shall take this time and blog lo...hmm...last sunday and yesterday working..then i have no time to online all these stuffs..haha..but mon to wed i was playing o2jam with liling serene and yanyu..hahax..i think next time they will be better than me..its JUST A MATTER OF TIME..hais.it carries alot meaning if i caps..hahx..and ma not related to the subject..yahz..and later i think playing basketball whole day lo...tmr maybe might be a boring day for me..hais..when then i can withstand all these things in my mind? although all these things were hard or difficult for me..but i still try to make time and everything for you that i can..so that you wont feel guilty or wad..but hais..never mind la...i also get used to it le..so be it lo..let it be this way..hais..i also dunno wad i did or other people did would make me feel happier or wad..maybe all these things still remains and my mindset and thinking is still the same..just really wan to get back to the times where we all can chat at night thru sms..hais...those were my happiest days..hais..i send one sms..she replies back...to other people a replied sms of yes or no or a word may mean nothing..although i feel that sometimes it not that worthy to send a sms just a word...but...everything she send really means alot to me.. forget it la..i post here..because i really want to tell God..what i really feel or think...i think she also wont look at my blog..because..wad i think she also wont care so much about me le..and she is so busy..hais...'hao bu rong yi' den can meet her..hais..think also no one will see my blog..because only she and maisie knows my blog..and this shall be the conversation that i can really tell God everything..hais...when then we can get back to those nights??i really look forward to it..hais...although sometimes or everytime you dun care for me...but i really will be there for you..i mean it..but you just choose not to tell me anything den i also dunno you got problems..hais...my life everything is so complicated...why muz it only happens to me??who knows my ''xinku-ness'' that i really feeling right now...hais..but one thing that i am so convicted..i really wont give up..because i TRULY believe that perserverance is the key to success...its just a matter of time. i really dun mind doing everything for her..hais..thats my character..no one cant change me de la..but really can hope she can really feel wad i did for her is that i really genuinely 100% really care for her..hais...when i was at miss chin's wedding last sat..i was thinking of the 2 two of them in the pictures and everything they took..WOW...its just so nice...and i really hope the ONEDAY would be juz me and her...although ppl might sae its impossible..but to me.. '' WITH GOD EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE '' yes..i really agree..AMEN!..hais..i knew this year was a hard and difficult year for me..and i think the rest of the year would be even worst ba..hais..and one more thing..i think most probably i am changing church liao...hais..because of so many things...firstly..is because of my leaders in my group...they choose not to put me in any clc...kick me out of dmm..dun choose me to be games comm. or team leader..everything cant find me must find her..its like...all these things happen to me in like 2 months- 4 months? you think i still able to take it?plus my outside problems..who knows my '' xinku-ness '' ...and the second thing is that when i not i the church...she would not be able to see me..and thus will not be reminded of me..and then she can focus more on God..rather than see me le then feel very insecure and pressurised..hais...i sacrificed..and it just can solve two major things...isnt that good?i think this is the only way out for me..but i got my ministry..how am i supposed to leave...hais..die le la..think i cant leave the church..because i am serving quite a number of roles in the MM team..i think my blog should end around here le bahz...i think i have wrote quite alot of things here le..and the entry is quite long also...shall blog again if i got time lo..see ya.." HOPE TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE AHEAD " =D
today have to go to mm training in nexus later at 10am...hmm...think i am preparing soon le..den later think i am going to the rc to slack again...wahahaha...den jia min shuh fen they all muz be busily doing the mascot..hahax..i yesterday also watched them do only....hais...then think i should reach rc around 3 plus bah...hahax...den i think i am sleepin in rc again?haha..i also dunno...so sianz..thursday woking at 9am..then sunday working at 2pm..so good lo..both days i want work 18 hours..hehe..then think thursday i need to book see which day i can work next week..hmm...i also now also dunno wad to write le..think later at night if i feel like writing den i write lo..hmm... ~peace out~
Sometimes things are juz not meant to be in this way..you have to wish for miracles to happen.but..mine miracles can happen just a single day?
hmm...lolx...this post might be shorter or longer...not sure..hahax...yah...yesterday told her i bought the chocolate den i wan give her today...but then she insisted that i must pass her on sat...but then..hais...i bath all these den i meet her at her house void deck lo...ya..then call her come down take the chocolate...den iwas reall happy i can meet her again like that..although i know maybe next time dun have any of these chance or wad..but..i really very contented and happy when i see her...esp in her just waked up looks...haha...yah...den after pass her the chocolate..i knew i am already late for my mm...so i take cab go nexus lo...and i only have $4 cash in my wallet..i thought the cab would have the machine to accept nets but the uncle tell me he haven install the machine yet...den on my way..i clled jiayi weather she at nexus...den she told e she not at nexus so she ask me to call huiying....ya..then i call her...hais..she got the money..but then she haven reach somerset...den never mind..i ask the uncle wait for me then i quickly go withdraw money and pay the uncle back...hahax...to come think of it...i really dun mind pay the cab money because i give her the chocolate...in fact...i really give the money more happier...hahax...and i also dunno why i can spend money that level of happiness...haha..maybe dont have experineced it before...hais..but also she wont accept me de la..its the fact for sure..i know in future is also the same....because maybe she got someone she like le...hahax...hais...i dunno la...i also dun wan ask her or wad...but i just let things run on its own...if things were meant to let me know..i will know it...hais...den today overall..i quite happy le...maybe its just because of the trip that i gave the chocolate..hahax...
hmm.....this update must be really very long le...hahax...first i shall start talking about my trip to malacca...yah...my basketball training tour was at there...and it took us around 6 hour to reach there and also to play our first match with them...hmm....the first match we played..we lost very badly..think the result difference is more den 50...ya..is like lose until everyone is so sad and everything...den after that at evening...we went to watch the team malaysia Vs. team thailand...hmm.....their reults were keeping on par with each other...an is like...supposed that thailand should win the game...but then the referee insist the ball is not counted as the bell went off first...hais...den thailand people very unhappy...but both team really played very well...den day 2..hmm...we play with the same team again...but then this time the result diference is 4...although we lost the 2 matches...but this trip really makes the whole team bond together and also i think our skills have improved alot..hmm...i really look forward to the next basketball trip..yah...and after we play the match liao...we all went back hotel..changed and eat le den go shopping le..haha...shoped at times square and mega mall but only buy one clothes...hahax...she sae nice..hehe..my taste not bad..hais....den after we shoped le...is at night le..den we all went back hotel den mr tan announcing the 12 people to be in the team...then i was the only sec4 this year nt selected...yah...its really very depressing...but..hais..all i get used to it le..i everything do also fail...i did nothing to have success...its like that...thats wad it has been happening to me since this year...hais...so be it la...ya...and the hotel's aircon is really very cold lo...but i endure...very shiok...haha..also managed to soaked in the bath tub for like half an hour...hehex...shoik shoik...=p...den went to sleep after that den wake up and den soon we all checked out from our hotel early in the morning...hmm..den we went to the 'twin tower' , the highest building in asia...hais..but too bad la...we go den ticket sold out..we cant get up to the highest floor or the sky bridge which is located in the middle of the 2 towers which connects together..hahax...but really very wasted...cant go to the 88th storey..hais...but never mind lo...den after that we all went to chocolate factory...ya...called beryl...lolx..i at first thought is berynce..lolx..so like...and the chocolate is very nice la...i eat until i dun wan to stop eating...den i bought a few packets which cost me 90.50 ringgit...hais..but nvm...because i like to eat chocolate ma....den after that the bus head straight to the bee farm...yah...den the uncle ask me buy one bottle of honey which can cure alot of illness and symptoms all these..den i buy lo...since drinking honeyis no harm at all and i sitll have the money to buy....70 ringgit..haha..quite expensive...but never mind la...den soon we all ehad back to singapore le lo...den reach school gate at 8pm like that den reach home at 8.30pm...ya gonna post another one for my today's de...hahax...
hmm.....these few days really very ired and lazy and busy to update..ya...hais...den sunday i work from 5pm to 1am..and the most amazing thing is that on tuesday i work from 7am to1am...lolx...18 hours...i also cant believe it..hmm...den today work from 5pm to 11pm...because today is quite a short and easy one..these few days also got no time to think my problems...hmm..den going malacca in few hours time...be back only on sunday...really hope i can be in the team...i really dun wan to sleep...so sian now everything...i really feel so dull and everything..i think juz let it be.it would be better for everyone..thyink i earn around $200 le..yea..for 3 days...haha..but wan chiong other jobs also...also very glad that can see some of my friends work..like joleen..liling..huijuan...hahax...but they muz tahan lo..hope they can take it..then also believe things will turn out well for them..gtg le...eyes tired..but i really dun wan to sleep...and my brother wan to use com le..wish me good luck..can?but i know the sms juz wont come de..i juz think too much liao...if she really send...lolx...ya la..i will be happy..althoug ppl dunno how much i really feel..hmm..then in my workplace..know 2 chio-bus..jeanette and elizabeth...both are really hor...haha...really glad can wor with jeanette 7am to 5 pm this tue...she quite lame and funny lo..haha..hais..think she working mostly in the morning..also get to know her quite well...haha...like wan get her number...lolx..i this one den need see first..coz....yah...if not i very wad le...cant do this...really gtg le...take care :)
yippie!hmm.....so many people sae i hais so many times...really wan to cut down my lesser of hais..yah..and i be starting to work today...later will be long way tiring for me..because i will need first go and cut my hair..and den after that i will need to go to people's park and buy my pants for my job de..yah..because my aunt is working at there...and she can get OG's staff price..den the pants will be cheaper..yahz...hmm..and den after that think should be time to go work le..5pm. really dunno how it will be like..hope it can be really easy for me..hahax..and den hope by the time i can really buy a laptop and use it whenever and wherever i go...yeah!...but..hmm...next year o levels le..muz really buck up this time..n levels is over..but i will still just chiong for my most final lap..after this lap..no more studying for me liao..i made up my mind.yah...i believe everything will goes well smoothly for me next year..may i have a better year ahead..yahz..and most importantly...really hope that God can really bless me well as i would trust him and put in my best..so that he can do the rest..and...decision is final..ya...shall end off here...think tmr den blog..coz think i am working til overnight...den later can claim the taxi fare to go home..hahax..
these few days had happened alot of things to me..really..i really thinks that everything is just caused by me..the only one..which cause everyone to be so worried and upset..hais..really wan to say sorry to the people that i have implicated..really very sorry..to me now..hmm..i think that no matter wad i do..or even i really die le..the result and the fact will still remain there..hais..but does anyone know the kind of feeling and suffering that i am going through? but never mind..because i choose not to tell anyone my feelings..sometimes its just better to hide it from others and you juz try to be hapy in class and everyone would juz feel happy for you.in fact..i still like her but hais..juz dunno how to put into words...my feelings just on and off.how i wish that i can live in the future now.yah.so much things happening..and it also hurts me very deeply and it also leave a scar which can never be erase from it again.but everything just goes on..thats life.i have to face the reality of life and hope to start leadin a hapier life..but..with her presence..i will till try my very best to be happy and be myself.no matter wad.its still you..ya.you may not know or anyone also may not know how much you matter in my heart..but i juz wan tell you that i have really felt the kind of true love that other people felt.from now onwards..yah..i wont do those stupid things and i juz let things flow on its own..there is nothing i can do now.wad i do will only make matters worse.i really hope that day will come.my friends will support me de..right?hope so..but some still wan to oppose me..hais..never mind la..it is life..there will have some people supporting as well as some people opposing you..yah.and true friends will only reveals when big things really happens to you.but in the future..no matter what would the kind of result come out.i am now prepared for it.i must really learn to take things in stride and to be calm even when i get the worst reuslt that i wont want to get..but all i just leave it to God..i believe that he will help me..yah..and i really feel so guilty..i really neglected God through my tough times..and..without his help..my life is in such a mess..i believe that God will really strengthen and make me be a better person..sometimes i really dunno wad to sae to make people believe me..the only word i can sae is "undying"..if you knew wad i am saying..i believe you should know wad i am really feeling right now..one hand feeling xin ku..other hand is feeling happy...contradicting right?hais..i alo dunno how to tell people about my feelings..i juz cant help it..i tried my best to be a better person..everything or wad i do will eventually leads to a better reuslts..i muz believe and trust that there will be a better result..because i dont believe it..how will it able to come true one day..yeah?hais...later still got basketball friendly match competition..think i am not able to get into school team le..another thing that worries me..the coach seems unhappy about me..andi really dunno wad to do...i really wants to play for the team and get something out from my cca...everything i just leave it to you God..i believe you will prune me to be a better person.later i hope the match..coach will put me in to play..all the best chuanjie.Go!..hais...muz buck up in everything i do le..everyone is catching up..things are just so competitive..yah...shall end off here...really so long didnt come in to blog..sorry...quite busy or lazy sometimes to blog...yah..bye.shall blog later or tmr if i still got time.
everything is over..that sms juz hurts me so much..i really wan to die now..but why does my friend all still dun wan me to die and yet they do things to make me give up?i cannot withstand all the pain anymore.theres is only one solution.and hope no one will juz come and stop me..everything juz ended like tt.i believe you will be happier and i would be gone forever..would be happy for you too..i am juz too useless..wad i do still cant succeed...i really feel very depressed now..i really now feel like jumping out of my hse window grill but i juz cant do it now..i will not able to lead a happier life again.i will forever be the same and no one is there to fully support me and give me a helping hand.everyone juz dun agree with me..to me..now is all meaningless and i juz wan to take a long rest.a rest that might really heal my wounds..but it has a deep scar already..how to heal it..its juz impossible..and no matter wad anyne do..the scar will still be there forever and ever...no matter wad i do for you..you still feel the same..why cantyou juz sense it?i am truly sincere and everything..but why cant you feel it? now..to me..this blog would be my history...and everything should end off well and smooth..hope that there will not be and problems again....this ime..i shall be a more successful person..at least let me be successful once.
why you still bother to talk to me in that room? you everytime juz wan to bluff me out and somehow trick me into taking exams..forgiving him..etc...there is so much things that you do le..but you know that after the whole things it juz hurts me so much?i trusted you everything and somethings you juz choose to tell other ppl..nvm la..now you have won..and i had lost very badly..all thanks to you..i really wan to say a big thank you.
sian....still need to post one more again...mr tan just called me because he have to send his cousin to polyclinic because he is sick ..and he may also be late for the class...hais..den me?hais..nvm..he said he wold teach me after lesson..hope that it would really help me for my TMR 'O Level' E Maths paper...hais...life is really hard to live..but with God..hais..............
today needa go school...so i type this in a just short post...yea..hais..morning den the Lord has answer my prayers..haha..hais..and later goin rc to study after my lesson in school...hais...today dunno wad will happen..hais..i just dun wan see them in school..but..who ask me in same class as them?sianz....today think studying the whole day again...and den i had to see their face?hais...but today she going rc also...hais...think i needa go school...meeting mr tan at 9.30 because i really got alot of things i dunno...things that are too many that i cant even count!..hais..i really want it lo..I REALLY WANT-its jus can represent so much things which i think i cant make it..i seriously also thinks that this year is a bad year for me lo..hais...
miss her so much yet i cant do anything.wad you wan me to do?tell me?but at least now i really feel better den last wed..hais..i really want it lo..but i also cant force you...hais..i am juz a person who do everything and anything and yet i would still get the same results..WHY GOD?
hmm..hais....today i really study alot lo..hais..but..study until headache..hais..wads the point?hais..den today start studying from 9am to 8pm.managed to do it.yea..but not continuosly lo..hmm..early in the morning lucky tt i met ben..if not i have to stay outside the rc til 12 plus b4 yiqin they all came..and today i did quite alot of maths.yah..really hope the LAST lap can really help me get an A1..i depend on you all...God..hais...den today she says she would reach the rc at 2..but i think she was late for her cg..but nvm.hais..den today i think is rui lin fault..coz he ignore meng when she talking to him..and she help him buy the panadol lo..hmm...den was really feeling much better when.....hais....when her cg came out..hais..i was sleeping..ya..and she came out but i again..didnt dare talk to her..coz i very de awkward..hais..den i today very sian and bored plus upset and depressing..because on bad terms with yiqin because we argue about why am i 'kicked' out of the dmm and til now were not back yet, and everything juz end off badly..ya..after she went off..i quite sad actually..also dunno why...hais.den juz now on my way back home...i needa take the bus..den b4 taking the bus..a motorcycle speed..den i ran across the road..and is like almost den ran over me..is really ALMOST..hais....den juz now while sleeping in the rc...i really thought of wanting to eat the whole box of panadol in one go..den i will maybe really sleep forever and live in my dreams..and isn't it good?hais..den at interchange..saw jia min from 4I de..hmm...i didnt know she lives a block away from me..hahax...quite alot dunman ppl live near me...but how i wish i would live near her...hais..den today do so many emaths questions..quite alot of things i really dunno...sian...so wish can get them all correct and score an A1..hais...may God really bless me really GOOD results?hais...
sometimes i really wan to talk to you.but why cant you talk with me on fone?i dun mind my phone bill burst..as long i can talk to you..its all that matters now..hais..so hope you can really give me a chance..but..is that possible?hais..i am juz not that lucky and fortunate..hais..den i now really very depressed..hais.. hais..but i really dunwan anyone to help me..now wad i wish for most is that you can really be by my side forever and not to leave me alone..hais..is so great to have your presence.. but could it really come true or my wish be fulfilled?hais..
hmm..today early in the morning wake up so early..7.30am..hais..den still waiting for my hp charger to charge the batt full..if no later the batt die how?uh no..den i cant...hais..its better nt to sae..hais..today intend to study from morning 9 plus til later 8 plus in the night..hope that i can do as much papers as i can..ya..juz few days only...aand is the last paper!..why not i chiong and maybe i can really get an A1? hais..but i did not did a o level e maths paper and get an A1 b4..how?hais..dunno la..think by 9am really need to reach rc..early morning is gd...so quiet and you can think more clearly!hais...gtg...later at night if i got time den i post one again lo..
hais..2 pm arh? so late leh..hais..why cant i juz only ask you questions?i really meant it..hais..but..hais..i know you wont..hais..but at least i tried asking you.hope to see you in the morning..praying hard for it..argh!hais..be with you always.
hais....today really have a bad day..today study at rc for maybe think got 5 hours plus bah..hais..den my mum nag at me today..ask me to tidy my whole room which it took me 2 hours..because its really very messy..hais..thats why i reach the rc around 1pm..den i also like dun feel like studying because i tidy my room until i half tired liao...hais...den today she did come to rc..so long didnt see her..but she went into the room den didnt see her liao..but after she came out i dun dare talk to her..because of the presence of so many people..hais...never mind.shan't talk about it..its so waste for me la.hais..so dumb and useless of me..den also quarell wif my mum because of the bike that i lend to ben..den she ask me today muz take back..hais..but wads she saes maybe correct..coz she says tt i treasures friendship more than family..which i think is really true...but does they treasure me back the same too?hais...den juz now meet ben to take the bike back after i study for quite long..hais..my hand and leg so pain..den still have to chiong back home..hais..den juz now i chiong across the road den almost met wif car accident.lucky..Its God Who Bless Me..hmm..hais...really hope tmr will have a better day than today..hais..
why cant we be together?how long i muz still wait?i really very xinku now.hais..never mind.because it juz takes 2 hands to clp.its juz too true to me.really prayin hard for it.
ahmm...today is the first day i starting to write this blog..ya..hais...everyone is really studying very hard for their exams..hmm...maybe i must really sense the urgency too?why cant i juz study as much as them?...today didnt much sms..but at least i ytd feel much more better...she can sms me like wadever sms i send..hais..when that time has gone...it would nvr be back again...time is precious.money can buy anything but not time!hais...think if i free den i blog lo..if not hais...wasted maisie's effort..haha..really want to thank her for helping me for this blog..ya..hais...later goin to study at rc le..think i eat lunch at home den go rc study til 10 plus...hope no more circuit breaker..hahax..May God Bless Me In Wadever I Do and Bless Me Wif Gd Results.~~
sometimes its just better for me to stay in this way..how i wish tht everything would just turn out fine and goes well in my way.hais.its not possible.but how to amke itpossible?hais