Childhood Exposure to Violence Changes Brain Function

This is what has happened to me as a result of being around violence as a child as well as as an adult. I have P.T.S.D. I stay very stressed. It is hard for me to relax.

When a person has been exposed to certain kinds of stressful situations, such as ongoing family violence, the amygdala may become overreactive. When this occurs, the body's alarm systems react more quickly and more energetically to threats than they do in normally reactive people. This neural phenomenon has been documented in soldiers who show symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.

This is an important article.

Red Light District

The Year in Review, Sexually Speaking

A year of focusing on sex scandals like Anthony Wiener's while reproductive rights were under viscious attack.

Street Harassment

Great article.

Great New Blog

Well, it's a blog I just discovered. It's called "psychopathy awareness" and it is about what being in love with a psychopath or sociopath does to one's life.

What My Sister Didn't Let Her Facebook Friends Read

(see two posts down for more on this incident)

She announced out of the clear blue on her own page, pulling from a conversation elsewhere on Facebook, that I call my kid a possible "sociopath like her father" and a "sadist," then let her friends take their shots at me, one even saying, "That woman does not deserve the title of 'mother'" and another saying the poor pitiful teenager is just misunderstood.

This is a kid who saw another woman in her father's lap when she was five, told on him, and still tells new people from time to time that it was her fault her parents' marriage ended up so rocky because she is the one who told. In her own life, however, she considers herself a "playa" and makes sure to play with boys' hearts and break them before they can break hers. She laughs at other people's pain. She laughs when people beg for their lives in scary movies and laughs more when they die bloody and horrific deaths. She beat me with my own cane. She calls me "bitch" and "cunt," just like her father. She is cold and cares about nothing and no one other than her own materialistic desires. Oh, and playing with boys' hearts and sleeping around. And hating me.

So, here was the response my sister didn't have the guts to let HER readers read:

This angel of mine, whom I adore and considered an angel right up until she did it, beat me over the head last year with my own cane while I was ill. Up until then, she had been caught skipping out in the middle of the night -treated only lovingly and talked to. She had been caught sneaking alcohol - still my darling angel and she was lovingly talked to. Then, the day she beat me with my own cane, even then, she was my angel. When her father called the police and the local small town police chief was fingering his handcuffs, saying he had a daughter her age and that if she had hit HIS wife, he would have beaten her ass and then let the other cops have her, all eyes were on me, as the victim. I chose not to let them take her away. When she was little and something was wrong and she could not sit still to learn, I and I alone saved her e ducation by calling around, finding a private school that could best cater to her learning style. I found she could not sit still to read, so I took her out in search of every hands on experience there was - combing the local paper for free things, even making it through a guided tour of the local vet school and managing not to pass out while she put her hands in cow guts. When she got to public school, I insisted on testing and then got the private testing to get her 504 diagnosis - auditory processing disorder - and went to all the 504 meetings, followed up on all of the accommodations she was supposed to get every year, checked homework online every day. I even discovered her best learning style was to keep moving, so all the way to high school, I made flash cards of her test information, then drilled her during walks through the neighborhood, studying in motion as the ancient Greeks did.

I did it all. I was super mom.

Eventually, however, her FATHER'S ABUSE of me took its toll. I began to suffer from PTSD. He is a sadist and a sociopath. He raped me repeatedly. He molested or attempted to molest three teen girls. He disrespected me in front of our daughter and called me "bitch" and "cunt" in front of her. He put his hands around my neck during sex, gave me inhalants because I would not sleep with him after finding out about his thing for teenage girls. He wrapped a belt tightly around my neck. He put plastic bags over my head during sex more times than I can count. He also got me drunk and had five men have sex with me while he videotaped it. I never agreed, never met these men. Felt a hot warmth on me and realized while I was being brutalized, he was shining a bright camera light on me. He still quite enjoys this videotape, so I am told.

A few weeks after I escaped, I brought my daughter to live with me, but, as much of the educational literature on domestic abuse suggests is typical acting out for children of such families (you DID READ educational literature on children of abuse before commenting on my parenting, DIDN'T YOU???), she blames the abused mother for being weak, for being beaten and broken and having no fight. Once I got some spunk back, she was in no mood to take orders, fifteen or not. I brought her to live someplace new. I did everything to try to please - bus money from my housemates to get around D.C., a keyboard for her new piano class, a new room painted purple. Nothing for myself, all for her. But, for financial reasons, we had to leave D.C. and move to another tiny town. She purposely flunked out of school as a way of demanding going back to Louisiana - and I agreed she could live with her PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER, as I do not trust her father with teenage girls. But they did a bait and switch. He took her and kept her, and I have no money to fight it. My daughter lives with an abuser, calls me a "mother-fucking bitch" and a "cunt." She refuses my phone calls. She is interested in all the wrong things, not the kind of person I worked at raising at all, taking her to political rallies and Sunday school and social justice events and teaching her to care about others above self. None of it stuck. And, yes, I AM afraid she is turning out to be like her father. She has no feelings about whom she hurts. None. She grew up with an abuser and she has an abuser's mentality. Don't think that admission comes lightly from me. It is pure agony, a mother's heart cracked in half and bleeding all over the damn place.

My facebook page is assuredly not a public forum. Only friends can see what I write. I am not Facebook friend with Sarah. Furthermore, I have my friends list carefully broken down into sub-groups. I choose a group for every SINGLE post I make. For instance, "political" is reserved for posts of a political nature. If I am not SURE of an old friend's politics, I keep my political stuff hidden and available only to the like-minded activists in my group. "Trusted" is a tiny group of family and close friends. Only they can read the really personal stuff. Those of you in the group read things and think that because you can see it, one hundred others in my friends' list can as well. This is not so. Only about a dozen of you can. Don't make assumptions about "public availability," Miriam and Rachelle, because YOU are able to read something. You may be among just ten people who can see it.

There. Now, those of you passersby who felt entitled to cat-call the clothesline on my sister's page at least know ALL OF THE DIRTY LAUNDRY. You are much like my daughter, it occurs to me, full of fury at me without knowing that I am the victim of abuse at the hands of her father, without knowing what it is like to have your husband hold your legs back for five men to use and abuse you while he videotapes, without knowing what it is like to have her father hold plastic grocery bags over your face while he gets off on suffocation games, to learn he has attempted to molest two teenagers you dearly love plus another you don't know so well, to be held hostage to his cheating while he does whatever he wants and refuses to fix your car and keeps you hostage in your home in the country for two solid years, to be so weak from it that you can no longer walk and have your ANGEL, you thought, your sweet baby grab your cane and beat you with it.

There is my blood for your entertainment, nosy nellies. Enjoy. Now you can judge but at least do so with some fucking information at your fingertips.

That feels oddly like a coming out of sorts. That is the most about my life I have ever published...you know, my hidden life, my real life, my abuse.

And she deleted it and let people continue to call me an "idiot." I ended up cutting myself last night, for the first time since the new meds. I wonder if they would feel proud if they knew. Apparently that is what they wanted - to be judge and jury. I think it makes people feel superior. It's why people watch Jerry Springer. And heaven knows, my estranged husband did all he could to turn us into a Springer family.

.

new direction for this blog

I think I am going to begin writing at length about my road to recovery from abuse at this blog. Facebook has proved so toxic for the things I really want and need to say.

I can't believe she did that

My sister put on her facebook page a complaint about some things I said about my daughter, saying no wonder the kid hates me.

Her friends piled on, began calling me a bad mother.

I responded, explaining in detail about the abuse, that my concern about my daughter is that, since she has been raised around abuse, she IS turning out to be a sadist and possibly with an abuser's mentality. She beat me with my own cane last year. She calls me "bitch" and "cunt." I went into detail and said that, if they wanted to opine, at least NOW they could see my blood on the sidewalk and opine in informed ways.

My sister's initial complaint had been saying things in a public forum, on FB. So she deleted my comment, which I respect. Her friends, however, continued piling on, one even saying, "The problem with debating idiots is that they can pull out life experiences and beat you at it." I politely asked my sister to remove that post, saying, "I respect your wishes if you don't want my long comment on your wall. However, if I am not permitted to defend myself, please do not permit strangers to call your sister an idiot. Please remove the criticism of me." She refused, saying I deserved it.

I have defriended her online and de-sistered her in real life. I would not permit anyone to call her names or to criticize her, even if I disagreed with her, because THAT is my SISTER. I am stunned that she does not feel the same way.

I wonder if it is the alcohol talking.

Either way, she is currently dead to me. I would NEVER let anyone speak about her the way she let those people speak about me. All she had to do was delete their criticism of me, the exact same way she deleted my defense of myself.

I am so fucking tired of how my estranged husband can make people think I am the crazy one. HE IS the abuser. He is the one who did sick shit to me. Yet, sociopath that he is, he comes across as calm and charming and, victim of a sociopath that I am, I come off sometimes as off-balance. Then, if I explain in any detail what he did to me, people don't want to know. They don't want details of abuse. They can't handle it. They want to silence me, which is fine - I don't actually have a NEED to trash him, but I don't like being treated like the crazy lady either. I am tired of this shit. Tired, tired, tired, tired, tired. Worst day I have had since I started the new meds over a month ago. First REAL *fall* since I have been on it. It helps so much. I thought I was all set, that this would not happen again. Apparently, I was wrong.

Scotland on Rape - "No, Not Ever"

Transcript:

A scene of a party. A pale blond woman in her 20s stands talking to two men, one pale and one with darker skin. She wears a black top and sparkly blue skirt, and all parties hold drinks in their hands and appear to be having a good time.

Woman: (laughing playfully) You’re terrible! (laughs) You’re so bad! Shut up!

Cut to two presumably white men across the room.

Man One: (looks at woman, sucks in air between his teeth) Check out the skirt! She’s asking for it.

Man Two: (laughs)

Cut to scene of the same woman in a department store. She pulls two skirts off the rack, one the sparkly blue skirt she wears at the party, and takes turns holding up each one to her hips. A sales assistant, a pale middle-aged woman, walks up to her.

Sales Assistant: Can I help?

Woman: Yeah, thanks. I’m going out tonight and I want to get raped. (smiles) I need a skirt that will encourage a guy to have sex with me against my will. (holds up each skirt again)

Sales Assistant: (smiles eagerly and folds arms across chest) The blue one. Definitely the blue.

Woman: (nods and smiles)

Woman turns and directly faces camera, with a sarcastic look on her face.

Woman: As if.

Male Voiceover: Nobody asks to be raped. Ever.

more at The Curvature

Women Must Prevent Rape - NOT!!!

When it comes to popular messages about sexual violence, many of us are treated to a (un)healthy dose of fear – in the guise of awareness and self-protection. You know the drill: don’t walk alone; don’t drink too much; avoid certain streets; be wary of strangers. . . the list goes on. One of the troubling things about these messages is the way they imply that one just needs street smarts and savvy to prevent sexual assault. (Another problematic aspect of these messages is the way they shift attention away from the fact that the majority of assaults are perpetrated by a victim’s acquaintance, friend, or partner; these ubiquitous stay-safe tips don’t mean much when it comes to people you already believe you should trust. Then there’s the fact that plenty of folks don’t have the option of not, say, commuting to and from work late at night or avoiding areas where they might be vulnerable to crime.) Moreover, the notion that we can reliably prevent being assaulted dovetails neatly with victim-blaming after the fact: “she/he really shouldn’t gone out there without a friend”; “it probably wouldn’t have happened if she/he hadn’t been drinking to excess”; “what was she/he thinking, going to a party in that neighborhood”

"Protect Yourself?"

Sharron Angle UGH

Really?

Sharron Angle, the Nebraska Nevada Republican Senate candidate who recently made headlines when a radio interview was unearthed in which she opposed legal abortion even in case of rape/incest because "God has a plan" (and your assault is part of it), has caught media attention again for her advice to 13-year-old incest victims to just make lemons into lemonade.

The Huffington Post reports that, during an interview on the conservative Alan Stock Show, Angle was asked what she would say to a 13-year-old incest victim who became pregnant by her father's rape. Angle's response? She says she counsels teenagers facing "very at risk, difficult pregnancies" to just look about for alternatives, and when they do, "they found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade."

I don't think "lemon situation" accurately describes the unfathomable situation of a young girl who has been raped and impregnated by her own father — a situation that would be made even worse if Angle had her way and the girl was subjected by law to forced pregnancy. Angle's flippant, clichéd comparison shows how out-of-touch she is. You can survive a traumatic situation, move on with your life, but that doesn't make child rape a "lemons into lemonade" situation. There is no "upside" to being raped as a child, especially by your own father.

"Raped by Dad? Just Turn Lemons Into Lemonade!"

Love This

Love this!

Via the Carnival Against Sexual Violence:

These are all fairly minor events but they each illustrate this assumption that men believe it is okay for them to touch a woman, to grip her hands, to pressure her into going with them to wherever they want to go. This sort of mentality, that of control, is the first step, the beginnings of the idea that men should be able to tell women what to do, they should be allowed sex, they should have access to women’s bodies whenever they want.

more at

"So I'm Pretty. That Doesn't Obligate me to Sleep With You"

What Tami Said: Social capital and denying the pain of black women

This is SOOO good. I hope you will read it! Plleeeezzzz!

What Tami Said: Social capital and denying the pain of black women

abyss2hope: 7 Simple Responses Which Help Support An Anti-Rape Culture

abyss2hope: 7 Simple Responses Which Help Support An Anti-Rape Culture

Marcella has seven great responses. Very sharp!

Guess One Need Not be Too Bright to Get Into Princeton!

The real 'Sex on a Saturday Night' - The Daily Princetonian

Did she have the right to accuse the boy of rape? Before you say yes, think about this for a minute: Should the fact that she willingly got herself into an advanced state of inebriation prevent her from complaining about anything that happened to her while she was in that state?

She knew what would happen if she started drinking. We all know that the more people drink, the less likely they are to make wise decisions. It is common sense.

Therefore, the girl willingly got herself into a state in which she could not act rationally. This, in my opinion, is equivalent to agreeing to anything that might happen to her while in this state. In the case of our girl, this happened to be sex with a stranger.

This brings up another question: Why is the guy always to blame? Since the beginning of time, society has taught us that whenever a situation like this arises, the fault belongs almost entirely to the male participant.

Since the beginning of time, it has been the male's fault? ON WHAT PLANET, SISTER? No, blame has always been assigned to the woman.

Also,
girl drinks: expect to get raped:: boy drinks: expect to be assaulted or even murdered

Girls Gone Anti-Feminist -- In These Times

Girls Gone Anti-Feminist -- In These Times

This may be the best analysis of "fun feminism" I have yet read. This is REALLY good!

Enlightened sexism sells the line that it is precisely through women’s calculated deployment of their faces, bodies, attire, and sexuality that they gain and enjoy true power— power that is fun, that men will not resent, and indeed will embrace. True power here has nothing to do with economic independence or professional achievement: it has to do with getting men to lust after you and other women to envy you. Enlightened sexism is especially targeted to girls and young women and emphasizes that now that they “have it all,” they should focus the bulk of their time and energy on being hot, pleasing men, competing with other women, and shopping.

Enlightened sexism is a manufacturing process that is constantly produced by the media. Its components—anxiety about female achievement; renewed and amplified objectification of young women’s bodies and faces; dual exploitation and punishment of female sexuality; dividing of women against each other by age, race and class; and rampant branding and consumerism—began to swirl around in the early 1990s, consolidating as the dark star it has become in the early 21st century....

This essay was adapted from Susan J. Douglas’ new book, Enlightened Sexism: The Seductive Message that Feminism’s Work is Done (Times Books, March).

Pamphlets Tell Women "Ungodly" Dress Provokes Rape

original story

In Tri-Cities, Washington, religious fundamentalists are handing out pamphlets telling women that their "ungodly" dress provokes rape. What century is this again? I get so confused....

A lady sitting in the backseat leaned forward, between the two men in front, and handed her a leaflet: “Women & Girls” it said across the top.

“Even though nothing is showing, you’re being ungodly,” Canter recalled the woman telling her. “You make men want to be sinful.”

Canter was wearing boots pulled up over jeans, a pink zebra-print shirt with a black jacket zipped up over it. She has blond hair, dark eye make-up and a little red lip ring. “I just asked if she needed any salt, pepper or ketchup,” Canter said. “I mean, how do I respond to that?”

Minutes later, Canter’s mother, Pam Yates, who owns the restaurant, returned from the bank. Canter handed her “Women & Girls” and Yates started reading.

“You may have been given this leaflet because of the way you are dressed,” it begins. “Have you thought about standing before the true and living God to be judged?”

It continues with one essential theme: The sins of men are, in part, the fault of women, specifically women in tight-fitting clothing. Yates was annoyed. Then she got to a section on page two:

“Scripture tells us that when a man looks on a woman to lust for her he has already committed adultery in his heart. If you are dressed in a way that tempts a men to do this secret (or not so secret) sin, you are a participant in the sin,” the leaflet states. “By the way, some rape victims would not have been raped if they had dressed properly. So can we really say they were innocent victims?”

The hand-out is signed “anonymous.”

Yates was angry.

“What if my daughter had been a rape victim?” she said. “I hope that they never handed this to anyone, especially a young person, who’s been through that and struggles with that daily. And then they get handed something that says they are at fault. I cannot believe that a Christian, someone who walks in God’s shoes, would have made this.”

Leaflet in hand, Yates locked eyes with the old man driving the old white car, still parked in the lot, and stormed outside. The car quickly drove away.

Sandra G. Rasnake, the sexual assault program director at Bristol’s Crisis Center, had one eyebrow cocked as she read through the leaflet Thursday morning.

She cocked the other as she read aloud: “some rape victims would not have been raped if they had dressed properly.”

“Wow,” she said. “This idea that men don’t have enough self control – and evidently they shouldn’t have to – plays into all the old myths that we’ve tried for years to overcome: Rape happens to 2-year-olds and 92-year-olds, not just attractive young women. How about we hold the person doing the action accountable, whoever it is going against the will and consent of somebody else?”

more at link

Eve Ensler: Embrace your inner girl | Video on TED.com

Eve Ensler: Embrace your inner girl Video on TED.com

WONDERFUL, EVE!

Penny Red: Carnival of Feminists, 23/12/09: Tidings of Comfort and Joy

There is great stuff at the new Carnival of Feminists.

Penny Red: Carnival of Feminists, 23/12/09: Tidings of Comfort and Joy

A.P. Puts Pandemic of Anti-Female Violence in Quotation Marks

So, the U..N. wants to do something about the widespread abuse of women worldwide, and the A.P. article about the effort calls it a "pandemic," with the quotation marks coming from the original. It's a QUOTE pandemic of violence against women? Really??? Like the A.P. isn't sure? Really???